Zoisite opened his eyes to look at the ceiling as a knock sounded at the door. He'd laid out across the couch, much as Zoran had done numerous times since returning. They had spent a lot of time here since Zoran regained his memories. Zoisite hadn't left the apartment or returned to Zoran's work. Zoran hadn't tried regained control.
Zoran hadn't wanted to regain control. He didn't know where he belonged in this new life. If Zoisite could have control, shouldn't he just take it? Zoisite understood everything better than he did. He had trained for this kind of job. Zoisite had been correct. Zoran was basically a child in this matter. Hell, he'd missed 5 years of his life. He barely felt like an adult half the time, anyway. He thought he'd matured quickly while taking care of himself back home, but that was nothing compared to what he faced now.
The knock had somewhat shocked them both. It probably shouldn't have. They both should have realized that someone would eventually check on them. Zoran knew that if they didn't at least care about him, they would care about Zoisite. However, no one had bothered them thus far.
They'd been left alone for five days to wallow in the memories. Zoisite had talked over so many other memories with Zoran. He understood more about Zoisite's life and relationships with his friends in that period. Zoisite being the youngest in the guard, Kunzite had made it a mission to ensure he was prepared, pushing him to improve in different ways. Jadeite and Zoisite, being so close together in age, had a relationship based on friendly competition. Nephrite had taunted and teased, as he had with everyone. The Prince had been more than just a ruler. He'd been their friend. They'd talked and laughed as a group. And, Zoisite had worked so hard to get where he had, and it had all come crumbling down around him with some well-placed words and "warnings."
Zoisite hadn't planned to answer the door. Making sense of the memories, the shame, and the guilt was all either one of them wanted to continue doing but when Zoisite picked up the sound of a key in the lock, he sat up. Zoran knew only one person should have access to the apartment. Two if you counted the actual owner of the place. The doctor wouldn't be coming to visit, though. Ami would.
Zoran began building up the walls, trying to block out any pain seeing her may cause him. He felt Zoisite tense up, his body growing rigid where he sat, his hands gripping the edge of the couch. The pain blossomed the second her face came into view. Most of it belonged to Zoisite. The regret and heartbreak tearing at Zoran's consciousness, as well.
"Zoisite or Zoran?" she asked without greeting, her eyes roaming over his face.
"Zoisite," he answered. His voice had come out low and pained. Zoran felt Zoisite try to pull away, relinquish control, but Zoran pushed back, not allowing the wall to break. He didn't want to face this either, face her while knowing that some piece of him had led to her death.
"Is he okay?" she asked. The concern was clear in her expression and tone.
"He's processing," Zoisite answered and then finally relaxed his body before pushing to his feet. "You go by Ami now, right?"
Ami nodded, "Yes."
"What are you doing here, Ami?"
"I wanted to talk," she answered, not being dissuaded by his brevity.
Zoran felt Zoisite poke around a little, testing the walls that had been built. Zoran pushed them higher. Zoisite shook his head, "He's not ready to talk."
"What about you?" her head tilted in a way so familiar to Zoisite that Zoran felt the internal flinch, the figurative punch to the stomach, easily himself.
"Why would you want to talk to me?" Zoisite answered after a moment of silence had passed. "What could you possibly want to hear that I could say? Do you want apologies? Me to beg for forgiveness?"
"None of that," she responded, low and soothing. "You don't have to apologize, Zoisite. We know what happened."
"That doesn't mean you should forgive it," Zoisite closed his eyes, head shaking. "She was able to convince me so easily that I was tricked. All because Melite had been more reserved, more dedicated to her mission."
"Mercurians were known for their intelligence and logic, not for their ability to convey emotions," Ami responded. "She showed you the best that she could."
"I know that now. It's so obvious in retrospect. But, at the time, it made everything Beryl said seem so true," Zoisite opened his eyes again. "It's not an excuse. I still failed in my purpose and I failed her."
Ami glanced down, finding a spot on the floor to fix her attention, "I'm not looking for excuses either. I've had a while to think about everything that happened. Maybe it was your fault for falling into her trap. Maybe I hold some responsibility for not being able to show you how I felt. Maybe we both hold some blame for tempting fate by entering into a relationship that never should have existed."
"You can't…" Zoisite began, but she cut him off.
"Throwing around blame changes nothing," she gave a small smile. "I identified dozens of times when a small change might have kept everything from going so wrong. But, we can't change any of that. All we have is now."
Zoisite was silent for several long moments and Zoran watched the exchange quietly from his place of safety. Even with the walls built, he could feel the emotions from them both. It was almost painful to witness. For a moment, he wished he could shut it off, disappear completely and let the two of them work out whatever it was that was happening between them. He pushed the impulse away. He didn't want to completely give up, did he?
Finally, Zoisite moved slowly closer to Ami until he was right in front her. He reached out a hand and Zoran grew alarmed, What are you…
Zoisite's fingertips brushed her cheek gently and she didn't flinch or move away, just continued to watch him. He traced the lines of her face for a moment and then met her eyes, "How much of her are you?"
"She's there. Just a part of me. We're different, but she'll always be a piece of who I am," she answered.
His left hand joined his right in touching her. He gently placed it on her shoulder and the traced it down until it rested against her waist. Ami simply continued to watch him, as though the wondering hands didn't surprise her at all. Zoran grew wary. He didn't like how familiarly Zoisite touched her or how she allowed it to happen.
Zoran was surprised when he felt the heat in his left hand and it seemed to press tighter against her side.
Ami, once again, showed no surprise, "There's nothing there to heal, Zoisite."
A memory flashed in front of Zoran. A well-placed swing of the sword that left an injury deep enough to be fatal, at least when combined with the other injuries Mercury had sustained. He remembered Ami's words from the week before, the comment about him always being good at healing. So, this was the power that had been residing inside of him all this time?
"I'm sorry," Zoisite breathed, the heat dissipating and the touch becoming gentle. His forehead fell forward against hers, "I know you didn't want to hear apologies, but I am sorry. I was sorry then, but I couldn't get control of myself to do anything about it."
"I know," she whispered, her hand moved to his hair. The feel was familiar, and Zoran flinched back.
Zoran grew restless as the silence grew longer. They stared at each, lost in a moment that only included the two of them. He didn't like it. All of his insecurities, his jealousies, rose to the top.
Don't kiss her.
I wouldn't do that to any of us, Zoisite thought, his voice serious. He took a deep breath and straightened, taking a step back from Ami. They regarded each other again, but the atmosphere had changed. Zoran could feel the shift from past to present, something changing in the way the regarded one another.
"How are you different?" Zoisite finally asked.
"I'm human," she smiled.
"Do you know he's different?" Zoisite asked and Zoran grew confused. Who was different? The Prince?
Ami's smile broadened, "He's just as self-confident, but maybe a little less cocky."
Zoisite laughed, "And that's good?"
She nodded, laughing softly, "We're both different now. She loved you, but I'm not just her. According to Rei and Jacob, that takes some getting used to. But, I believe it. It's not the same as then. And it's not the same with him."
"Good," Zoisite smiled.
"Can Zoran hear me?" she asked.
"He's aware of what's going on. It just… feels different for him. It's easier for now," Zoisite answered and Zoran felt him poke at the wall again.
She stepped close again, this time taking his face in her hands and leaning close, looking into his eyes. Except, she wasn't talking to Zoisite this time. She was looking past the surface, "Zoran."
The sound of his name made him jolt, almost made him return to the surface. For a moment, he wanted to return more than anything. But, he was still afraid. Afraid what facing her might mean. Afraid what she may have to say to him. Afraid of what choice she might make between him and Zoisite. Afraid that he wouldn't be able to retreat again if he needed.
"Zoran," she repeated his name when it became clear that he wasn't going to respond. "When you are ready, I am here. I've missed you."
She'd missed him? Not just Zoisite, no. She was talking directly to him this time. He didn't understand, after feeling everything that he'd felt between the two of them, why she would miss him. He didn't mean anything in all of this. He was the carrier, the conduit that had contained Zoisite. He meant nothing.
She released his face and he immediately missed her touch. But, she smiled as she backed away, "I'll see you, Zoran. Zoisite, I'm glad we got to talk one last time."
Last time? Zoran questioned, but Zoisite didn't answer.
He smiled at Ami, "I'm glad I could see who she became."
You really loved her, didn't you? Zoran asked as Zoisite seemed to dwell on yet another memory of Mercury. Zoisite laid with his head in her lap, her hands gently brushing through his hair. She'd been talking for a while, rhapsodizing on atmospheric differences between Earth and other planets and what that meant about life that had developed throughout the solar system. Zoisite hadn't really been listening since she'd moved from talking about her home planet to Venus. Instead studying the curves of her face, the feel of her hands, categorically committing everything to memory. He caught her hand, kissing the inside of wrist, feeling a smile stretch as her cheeks dusted pink.
The memories been constant since Ami had left a few hours ago. Though, there had been many similar memories since he'd regained his memories. He'd seen memories of them talking. Memories of them laughing. Memories of them kissing, touching. Zoisite had seemed to try and shut some off, put them away. It was the only memories that he tried to hoard so selfishly.
He'd avoided talking about her the best he could. Zoran's curiosity had grown day by day. He had all of Zoisite's memories and he'd seen Zoisite with Ami earlier that day, but he couldn't fully understand what the man was feeling while watching these memories. With all the trust that had grown between them, the other man still shielded this. Zoran wasn't sure if he was shielding the actual content or the affect it would have on him.
Zoisite finally sighed, "She was everything. She was smart, beautiful, powerful, sweet. How could I not have completely lost myself to her? She didn't not love me because she was quiet, or shy, or because she was always concerned with the princess. I was too lost to understand any of that. And, because of that, I lost everything that was important to me."
Zoran thought about Jacob's words, his warning. Endymion would always be more important. He always had to be more important. Seeing what happened with Zoisite, how Beryl had been able to turn him against his love, his home, and his Prince because of such a tiny spark of doubt showed Zoran how important that was.
There will always be someone else more important, Zoran repeated.
"It will always be Mamoru," Zoisite told him. "It has to be. That was always our mission, our primary purpose. I failed, but you don't have to."
Me? Zoran felt the panic rising. He wasn't ready for this kind of responsibility. I can't do that. You're better prepared for that. You could just stay.
"I can't," Zoisite sighed. "I made a deal with Beryl. She will always control my soul. You, however, are pure. She can't control you again if I'm not here. I didn't realize how susceptible it made you before, but I know now. It's not my purpose anymore, it's yours. And, you are ready. I can sense it in you."
You're leaving, aren't you? That's why Ami didn't plan on talking to you again, Zoran responded, the insight sudden.
"When you're ready," Zoisite told him. "Ami didn't need to talk to me again anyways. We found our peace the best we ever could."
She's human now. You could love each other like you'd wanted, Zoran felt a stab of pain at the thought. He knew his insecurities were showing, his fears regarding the woman he'd come to admire so much.
"I could never love her like she deserves. Because, I loved Melite and she's not her. And, she could never love me like… Well, like someone more deserving," Zoran could hear the smile in Zoisite's voice, knew he was still missing something. But, he felt the truth in Zoisite's words. Despite the emotions he'd felt between the two, Zoisite had loved who Melite had been. He didn't know Ami, had only gotten to know her through Zoran. Just like Zoran only knew Melite through Zoisite.
You won't go until I'm ready? he asked.
"Not a moment before I'm sure. I have one last request though. I'd like to see Kunzite… Khaled."
