-Jan 5 1994 8:37 pm- I was sort of feeling like my twin Dylan was kind of brushing off everybody lately, and the thing was that even if this was annoying me, I did not think he was doing it on purpose. I think that maybe he was just up to something, and as a result, he was sort of feeling like he was just needing to deal with that most of all. And as a result, despite the fact that we were connecting relatively well, we were just having a bit of a drop off lately, and as a result, we were just sort of unable to actually know what was going on around us.
I was worried about Dylan though, and I was feeling like maybe I did need to try and find a way to go on and talk with me here, and see if maybe the two of us were going to be able to come to some form of understanding. But I guess that if something like that were to happen, then the two of us were going to be making a huge issue on something that could truly have been not really all that important, and I would feel like a loser.
I was seeing that Dylan was clearly up to something, and I was feeling like maybe the two of us were going to be able to talk for a bit, and maybe by doing something like this, we could be able to get some stuff cleared up, and then we could talk things out, and then sort of have a plan to get along with it all.
I saw him one day, when we were both in our room, and I was seeing him just looking at the ceiling, and I was seeing that no matter what I would tell him, or what I was wanting to say, he was going to sort of be off on his own, and that maybe I was just going to have to remain quiet, and I would have to see if he was willing to go on and speak with me. If he was wanting to talk though, you sure as hell bet that we were going to try and discuss ways that we could be able to come to some form of a understanding here.
Eventually, I was telling myself that I was just needing to accept the fact that he was not a huge fan of these conversations, and as I was telling myself this, I was sort of feeling sort of awful for it all, but I was just telling myself to kind of get over it, and that he was my brother, and that even if we were related, he was not forced to be polite to me. He was just forced to live with me, and that was the only thing that mattered.
I was holding onto the hope that he was going to tell me more, and I was telling myself that surely he was going to want to speak with me, and I just needed to wait for a bit longer. Eventually, Dylan was looking right at me, and he was wondering what to do, and I was clearly able to tell that my plans to pretend to lay low was just not going to be working no matter what.
"Hey Drake, can we talk?" Dylan asked, and part of me was glad to be heading him willing to do this, but I was telling myself to just keep it inside, and that I was needing to present myself in a way to make it look like I was being rather impartial on this. "I have been thinking something for a while, and I can't stop thinking about it." After she was saying this to me, I was feeling like I just needed to find some form of idea what to be doing now.
"Yeah, I was hoping you would." After I said that to him, he was looking at me, and he was sighing, feeling like he was just needing to get this over with, and whatever he was needing to say would be better if I had just said it. Eventually, Dylan was sighing, and I was feeling like I just needed to be as calm and respectful as possible, and just get this whole thing over with.
"The thing is that I am kind of worried about Gabe and the others. The older ones. They are always going out, and doing stuff, without having any idea of what to tell us. I feel like there is something that they are just trying to hide, and I am scared what that is." After Dylan said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was really wishing that I would listen to him, and that I would not brush him off, or try to pretend like it was no big deal. Because it was a big deal.
"I wanted to just pretend like everything was fine. I wanted to pretend our siblings were just out having fun." After Dylan was saying this, I was kind of just wondering where the resolution of this story was going to go, and I was feeling like maybe he was going to need to be careful with this, because I knew right then and there that he was actually scared, and not in the over dramatic little brother way. Whatever he was going to speak of was worrying him badly.
"I was worried about them, and I decided that I would just try and see how they were, and there was a strange guy outside the window. You know, the one from earlier. But I saw him again, and Seth told me not to go see him. Seth was scared." After he had finished telling me that last sentence, I was looking at him, finally feeling like I needed to take this more seriously.
"He was telling me that the guy who was there was somebody he knew." After Dylan had finished that last part, everything was stopping inside of me, and I was feeling like where ever this was going to go now, I needed to give him my full intention. I needed to give him everything that I had, and make sure that he was doing alright. That he was also not lying to me.
"I was thinking that I could get over it soon enough. But no, not after that. Now I'm worried about Seth." After Dylan was telling me this, I was looking at him, and I was slowly nodding, as if feeling like I needed to accept the fact that maybe what he was saying did have validity to it after all, and that maybe I was being a bit of a fucking asshole for not listening to him earlier, and now I was feeling like I just needed to see what I could do to help him.
"Why worry about Gabe?" I asked, feeling like this was the more important thing, and the one thing that was confusing me. Why was he was feeling like he needed to be there for Gabe, when he was not Seth, and he was older than almost everybody else in the house. I was feeling like he was going to be able to take care of himself. But then Dylan steeled himself, and was willing to continue to speak with me, and explain to myself why this was the case.
"He was out one night. He was telling me not to go into it. He was scared when I told him. He seems to have some idea what is going on the most out of it all." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to see what I was going to be telling him now, but I was sighing, feeling like maybe something like this was just not happening. Maybe he was just never going to fully show me what the issue was. But from his looks, and his sadness, I did not want to test him on it.
"But do you think it matters?" I asked, and then I was looking at him, and I was seeing that he was looking a bit unsure of what the hell we were going to be getting ourselves into. But then I was feeling like maybe Dylan was just not wanting to talk about it anymore. So with that, I was sighing, and just not pushing him on this any further, feeling like maybe we were just going to leave the subject alone for the time being.
"It does. Anything that scares our brothers matter." After Dylan was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but that in a way, he was clear that he was losing me, and then he was sighing, just thinking that maybe we were needing to let the subject go for now, and I was wanting to change it all, but I knew that something like this was just going to be fucking impossible in a way.
...
-Jan 6 1994 11:35 pm- I was about to go to sleep when I was seeing that Lydia was looking like she was going to be getting ready to do something without us, and that she was clearly looking like whatever she was about to do was actually kind of exciting. But I was feeling like I just sort of needed to see what the issue was with Lydia, and see if she was going to actually go along with me and work this out.
"Hey Lydia, what are you planning to do?" I asked, and then she was looking at me, and she was looking like she was not really wanting to say anything else, sort of worrying about what I was actually going to be doing. I was feeling like maybe if she was going to try and hang out with me, I would be able to try and make something closer to working out, and we could be able to feel like we were actually going to connect together on this.
"Not much. Just hanging out with friends. You know, making the most of it that I can." Lydia was telling me, and I was seeing her clearly looking like she was just wanting to see what I was going to be saying now. Or if maybe Lydia did not really actually want to try and connect with us. Maybe Lydia was just too excited to be doing this to be dealing with any of this. And I was wanted to see if we could go along and play with each other for a small bit.
"Can I come along?" I asked, genuinely wanting to see if this was going to actually work out. She was looking right at me, and she was feeling like maybe this was a bad choice, but she decided not to say anything that could indicate such a thing. She was just smiling at me though, clearly feeling like as long as we were happy together, that was all that was mattering. "I would really have fun." I said, and then she was looking almost kind of sad at this.
"I think that something like this might be out of the option. I don't know how my friends would like the idea." After she was saying that to me, I was seeing her clearly looking like she was actually kind of feeling bad for telling me this, but decided that if she was honest at least, then maybe I would sort of be able to get over it. Soon enough, I would be sort of be able to finally piece together everything that was happening, and how I would be able to win Lydia over.
"I think that when my friends might grow to like the idea better, then maybe you can come along. But for the time being, I would highly suggest against it." Lydia was sort of feeling this statement was kind of making her feel sad, and when she was feeling sad, I was going to feel sad, and I was wanting to see if maybe we could be able to find something else to sort of connect with each other in the mean time. But then she was giving me a slight hug before shaking her head.
"I have to be going now. I hope that you will be alright." Lydia was telling me this, and then I was seeing her looking like she was wishing to say more, but decided that maybe remaining silent, and just not making a issue out of this, would have been for the best. Eventually, I was feeling like it was finally time to be letting her go, as much as this was going to be the polar opposite of what I was really wanting.
"Good luck, and have fun." I said, and then I was seeing Lydia looking like she was never going to be letting these small moments go, as if these moments were giving her sort of the reason why she was doing something like this in the first place. I was just seeing her clearly looking so much better on any of this. But despite everything that I had been feeling, I had told myself that she was just sort of needing to be on her own, and that I was not needing to be getting in her business on any of this.
"I will have fun. Trust me when I say that. I will have fun for you, and I will remember what fun is really like for you, to make sure that nothing hurts." After Lydia was saying this to me, and I was just sort of confused, she was heading out of the room, and I was deciding that I was just going to be leaving the situation alone. I was just glad to be seeing her feeling like there was somebody who liked her, and somebody who wanted her to be doing well, that nothing else mattered.
Eventually, as Lydia was gone, and I was seeing that there was nothing to do, I was just sort of sighing, feeling like there was no way in hell that I was going to be winning the approval of Lydia, and that in a way, she was going to be feeling like I was just getting in her way, and that I was just going to be kind of annoying. I did not want to be annoying, but I was feeling like maybe if Lydia did not want to hang with me, I might have failed to do that, and failed much worse than I had ever wanted to admit.
I was sitting down on my bed, and I was feeling so sad over everything, and I was feeling just an overwhelming sense of dread when I was here, and when Lydia was always off to do her own thing. I mean, I knew that she was my older sister, and she needed to do other things, but my god, I was wanting to do some other things. I was wanting to make her feel better. I was wanting her to be with my activities every single day.
But maybe I was being immature about this. Maybe I was just being a bit selfish on the way that I was treating Lydia right now, but I could not help but feel that way. I was wanting to find a way to make her feel differently, and feel like I was not making a big issue. But now that I was here, and I was thinking about it, I was feeling like maybe I was just going to be failing on this in virtually every single regard, for better or for worse.
I had looked right at Dylan's bed, and I was wondering what the hell Dylan was doing. I was feeling like maybe if I was able to pester Dylan enough, then I might be able to get him to join me in this whole thing. But I was just kind of over what Dylan was doing all the time. I was feeling like Dylan was taking the outside stuff of this family way too seriously, and to be honest, I was kind of feeling like he needed to go on and worry about different things besides what our siblings are off doing on their own. I felt like if I tried to tell him that though, he might be offended by me saying such things, and would tell me off.
So despite everything that I had been feeling, and despite everything that I was wanting to tell Dylan, and everything that I was feeling like I could tell him to make him feel differently here, I was feeling like maybe I was not going to be getting him to change his mind on any of this. And that maybe I was just needing to be glad that at least my twin was still here, and that he was the only one who was not messing around with me.
Maybe when I would be around Dylan, and we were hanging out with each other, I would be feeling differently on this. I was wanting to know that he was always going to be at my side, and we were going to help each other. But I did not want to piss him off, or make him feel like I was clinging onto him or something.
As I was starting to realize that everything was just going to be rough without my siblings, I was feeling like I should have tried to do something better for myself. I was feeling like one of these days, I was going to have to finally just accept the fact my family was just going to be off on my own. But in a way, I was feeling like maybe my family wanted to make me feel differently about everything. I was just wishing to just kind of get this whole thing over with.
I was then standing up, and then telling myself to just get over my sob story, and just to try and do something about it that I was feeling like was much more important. I was thinking that my family did not really want to see me in a way, but at the same time, I was feeling like if I made my point, and made my case, they would want to see me, and then they would actually grow up and just let me in, and make me feel welcome.
I was feeling like maybe I was not needing to try so hard, and that maybe if I was wanting to make this work, I would have just gone on and make something else work out for my own benefit. I was walking around the living room, and I was seeing that Seth was cooking something to eat for dinner. To be honest, I did not know that Seth was able to go around and cook at all. Seeing him accomplish this was fucking shocking, but I did not want to admit that.
"What are you making?" I asked, and then I was seeing Seth look shocked that somebody else was awake in the first place. Then he was looking down at me, and then he was smiling when he was seeing that it was me of all of them, and then I was seeing him looking like he was willing to just go on and talk with me more, and see how I was going to adapt to this whole thing. I was feeling like maybe seeing Seth happy was something nice for once.
"Just a midnight snack. I have nothing to do now, and just want to eat something to make my day better." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking better about this, and I was seeing him looking like he was sort of getting used to this, and like he was not bothered by me showing up, and speaking with him after all.
"Is it good?" I asked, and then he was looking at me, as if feeling like maybe that was going to be a hard question to answer, since he was looking genuinely unsure of what was going to be considered good or bad. Then he was sighing, as if feeling like there was just virtually no point in even trying to make me understand how it was at all.
"It might be. I never made it before. So it might be, or might not be." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him sort of sighing, kind of feeling like there was no point in saying anything else. "Hey Drake, shouldn't you be in bed? I mean, you know, you are probably much too young to be staying up this late." He was looking at me, as if wanting to see how I was going to be reacting to this, if it was possible.
"I don't care. You are more fun." After I was telling Seth this, I was seeing him smiling at me, and then he was clearly looking like maybe he was not going to fight with that. After all, in his eyes, he was one of the most fun people that I had met, and he was feeling like he was willing to sort of let that fact sink in. But I was just sort of not really even caring. I was wanting to make the most of it that I could before he was going to push me along.
"Yeah, I mean, I just like to go out and do things that I know are more exciting. But I guess that people might not really care." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him just trying to say more, but then he was feeling like there was virtually nothing else to say. "Honestly, I just want to make the most out of it that I can. But I feel like this is all that matters." Seth was just continuing his cooking, and I was wanting to make the most of it that I could here.
"How is school?" I asked, and then he was looking at me, as if feeling like he was not even wanting to think about what to be saying now, but I was seeing him just wishing to find more to say, but that maybe Seth was going to talk with me more, and that if we talked with each other longer, the more that we were going to be feeling like we were going to be happy in a way.
"It is boring as hell. I can't even possibly explain how much it sucks to go through that school. But every time I go there, I feel like I just sort of have no choice but to see how far we can go now. But I guess nothing really matters now." After Seth was saying this to us, I was feeling like I was just needing to sort of see how far this was going to go. I was wanting to see how long we were going to be able to talk and sort of keep this whole thing going before it would be all thrown away.
"Do you want to go there?" I asked, and even I knew how dumb this last question was, but I guess that I was just wanting to talk with him for as long as possible, and see what we were going to be getting out of this. Seth was looking at me, and I was seeing that he was clearly not even wanting to waste the time we were having with this debate. But I just had no idea what the hell we were even going to do now.
"I don't have any interest in going there. I like to go on and hang out with Manny, and that is all that I can do. I mean, having some friends are the only thing that even remotely come close to mattering." Once he was done saying this to me, I was seeing him say this to me, I was wanting to hear more from what it was like to be at school and stuff with friends, but I was not wanting to piss him off, since I knew that maybe he was taking this whole thing too seriously.
As I was sort of feeling all of this, I was just sort of wanting to say something else. But I was not wanting to go on and piss him off any further. I did not want to take any risk on this at all, since I was just feeling like maybe if I tried any harder, he was going to be sort of feeling like I was attacking him or something.
"What made you like hanging out with Manny?" I asked, genuinely feeling like as long as we talked, and as long as we were able to go on and connect, the two of us were going to be able to make everything perfect for each other. Seth was looking like he was genuinely thinking about the question that I had asked him, as if feeling like it was valid in its own way, as much as he might not have liked to admit that.
"The fact that he was actually willing to help me out. He treated me like an actual person, and I was able to appreciate that." After Seth was saying that to me, I was seeing him wanting to say more, but that it did not even fucking matter anymore. I was feeling like maybe if I was going to try and speak to Seth more on this, then it was just going to be a fucking waste of time, and there was going to be no real excitement that I would get out of talking about this with him anymore, and I would be sort of over it all.
"I was really desperate for a person to be willing to talk with me, and make me perform a good show and stuff. But I have nothing better to be able to describe this as. But in all honesty, I guess that none of this really matters anymore. I just wanted to make a name for myself, and Manny was able to help that." Seth was saying, and I was seeing him clearly looking sort of lost on what he was going to tell me now, and that he was just sort of feeling like there was no more point now.
"He made a difference. That is the only way that I can describe it. Maybe one day you will be like this." After Seth had said that to me, I was seeing him sort of looking at a loss of what to say now, and he was heading out to his room, sort of over this, and done with all the shit going on after he said good night.
...
-Jan 6 1994 1:30 pm- I was just trying to really comprehend the full meaning of what Seth had said to me, and I was feeling like it was the least that I could do after everything that was going on, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to try and see if I could be able to help him out feeling at least slightly better on everything. If I was even able to make my older brothers feel better on anything, and not just annoyed.
I mean, I knew that there was probably only a matter of patience that people were going to be having for me, and that sooner or later, that matter was going to be reaching its peak, and then they were just going to get angry at me if I were to even try and continue along down the path. And if I were to do something like this, they would be wondering what I was even trying to accomplish anymore. But in a way, I was just thinking about what I would need to do to have some fun in my own right.
I had been playing with some of my toys for a bit, and by this point, it had seemed like even Henry had finally moved on from his whole birthday, and he was sort of able to just pretend like it was not that big of a deal anymore. I mean, it was clearly a bit hard for him to admit something like this, knowing that in a way, he was no longer the star. But I was wondering how he was feeling about being six years old. In all honesty, I don't really know how many times I have met up with him this year so far.
But as I was thinking about this, and the fact that he probably did not even really plan on going out to see me too much, showed me that either we never really got along too well, or he was just sort of off on his own, and that he was never really taking the time to go on and hang out with me at all. I was sort of feeling like maybe I could have given him something simple, but decided against it, and decided that it did not really matter.
I was smiling, just deep in the thought about what my brother would be like with me actually being nicer to him, and what I could have done to reach out to him, and actually being a good brother, and maybe I could have tried to branch out and show that new feeling to the older ones, and see if Gabe was telling the truth about what was going on with that man. Since I had felt that I needed to hear it from Gabe before I fully jumped on the wagon of what Dylan was telling me.
I was thinking that this would be my next goal. See Gabe again, and see what I could learn from him, and see if he was willing to tell me the truth of the matter. Maybe if he did that, then I could be able to help him out in a way. I had wanted to help him out, but I was feeling like maybe Gabe would not see me in a while, and just not even know what I was wanting to do, and then probably be thinking that I was sort of just wasting his time in a way.
I then saw Lydia and when I saw her, almost everything that I had been feeling dropped, and I knew that I wanted to see her right away, and then see how I could be able to see if she was doing well. I was so happy to know that everything was fine. To know that she probably did enjoy hanging out with her friends, and that I did not need to worry about anything like this. "Hey Lydia, how were your friends?" I asked, and then I was seeing Lydia looking at me, almost forgetting about what we talked about earlier, and then shrugged, feeling like there was no point in not talking with me.
"They were good. They were really fun, and we had a lot of things we could do." After Lydia was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to say more, but did not know if I was going to have any fucking interest in this at all. She was probably worried that I was going to hear her for a moment or two, and then just brush her off, and then just sort of invite her to doing something I wanted to do instead.
As I was looking at her, I was starting to feel bad for what I had been feeling, and then she nodded. "I loved it, and we were just doing the best that we could. I did some things that I doubt you would actually be interested in." After Lydia was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking kind of sad, and I was looking at her sadly, and I was wishing to find something else to say, to change how she was feeling. But I decided that maybe it really did not matter anymore.
"You can tell me." I said, and then I was seeing her looking at me, and she was wanting to find something else to tell me, but then after a moment longer, I was seeing her decide that maybe she might as well just go with this, and see what I could say, and see if maybe she would want to at least try and make me see what was so exciting about what she had been doing earlier.
"We were just trying to see what our older brothers were so into. You know, the stuff that is making them all go crazy. We thought they would have an answer." After Lydia was telling me this, I was seeing her looking unsure of what to say now, and I was feeling like I needed to learn more. I needed to see if she had actually learned something, or if it had failed. I was not wanting to push her on this, but I did not care. I just needed the answer as much as possible.
"They were acting like they had started to witness some big revelation, and I was wondering what was going on. So we decided to be looking into some of these things for a while. I guess that something like this is just not happening." After she was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking almost sad, as if she was clearly feeling like she had failed us or something. I did not know what she was feeling. "I mean, it is just something that I feel like could be a fun and recreational activity in the first place, but I guess it did not work out too well."
"What did you learn?" I asked, and then I was looking right at her, just sort of wanting to see where this was even going to go. I was seeing that Lydia was clearly just sort of lost on her own. I was feeling like maybe if we talked more, she would have finally started to open up a bit more.
"I think the main issue was that it was meant to be a playful gesture. You know, to have fun, and we were sort of coming along, and having a good time. I did not think that what we were doing was anything too awful. But it seems like maybe that was just not going to work. It seems like the town is going to have too many questions for us to find the answers to, and it is just going to be a bit annoying." After she was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking a bit sad, but I was just sort of scared, feeling like there was literally nothing to do.
"I guess that maybe it is just not really anything that we are needing to really learn the truth of. As annoying as it is to not know the answers I wanted, part of me feels like maybe there is a good reason to this." After Lydia was telling me this, I was then thinking about what to be saying now. I was seeing her just sighing, feeling like nothing else mattered. I was wishing to change her mind, and I was hoping to make her feel better. But as I was looking at her, I was seeing that nothing else really even mattered anymore, and that I was just going to be wasting my time on this.
Do you think your friends are having fun?" I asked, and then I was seeing Lydia looking at me, totally unsure of what to say to this, and I was feeling like no matter what I was going to be saying next, she was going to be thinking that in a way, I had been pushing her too far. I was kind of feeling bad, but I did not care. I just wanted to see where this was going to be heading.
"I hope they are. I really hope they are. I mean, I know that it might be hard to have some fun given the current context, but I think that people need to try." After Lydia was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like she was willing to find more to say, but did not really want to say anything else, in fear of what I was going to be saying now. I was looking down, just unsure of what to say.
Eventually, I was looking at her, unsure of what the hell I was going to be doing now, and that was all that I really needed. "Hey Lydia, why are some of them not enjoying it?" I asked, and then she was looking at me, clearly not wanting to say anything else, and she was clearly looking like she was not wanting me to try and ask her any further questions on this. In a way to sort of hide the way she was feeling.
"I think that one of them is just too focused on other more important things. Some things that are going on with her family. I don't blame her for feeling this way." After she was telling me this, I was clearly seeing her looking a little bit sad, and I was wanting to say more, but did not really know what to try and tell her. I was feeling like nothing could be said. "I mean, in a way, it is all my fault, and I feel bad for her every single time that I see her, but I don't do anything about it, without making things worse for both of us in a way." After she was telling me this, I was confused what she was meaning, but I was just feeling like I needed to be quiet for her own sake.
"Why would it be your fault?" I asked, just truly unable to understand where she was coming from, and what her sentiment to this really could have been, and she was sighing, as if feeling like I was not going to be making this easy on her, and that she was feeling like no matter what the answer was, she just needed to say it, and sort of get it over with. I just really did not get what the issue really was, and I was feeling worried for her.
"It would be my fault because I should have done more, and I should have helped out, but I did not. I wanted to make her feel welcome, and I wanted to make her feel better. But that is just not happening. That is the exact opposite of what had happened." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her clearly looking like she was wishing to say more, I had felt like almost nothing could have been said, and I was feeling like I would truly never be able to get it, and I decided not to worry about it at all.
"She would not have known though. It is not your fault. Don't take it serious." I said, angry at her, angry at the way she was treating herself, and I was wanting to make her understand that this was not a big deal. As she was looking at me, I was feeling like I was just needing to do my best to try and make this work out in her favor. But she was sighing, and I was feeling like maybe I would never get where she was coming from. But I did not want to know where she was coming from. I wanted her to cut this shit out, and treat herself better and with more respect.
"Thanks for trying to make me feel better. But it is not working. I have my opinions on the matter, and that is all that matters." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her clearly looking like she had wanted to say more, and that she was wishing to try and make me clearly see where she was coming from, but that this was just not even working out. I was never going to change the way she was going at this, and I just sort of needed to kind of get over with it, and move on with my life.
"I think that maybe I should try and see how she is doing, and that might help." After Lydia was telling me this, I was clearly seeing her just over the subject, and I was placing my hand on her shoulder, and I was feeling like I just needed to make it better for her. "I mean, I feel like if I try to talk about it, I will be sounding silly just saying it out loud, and if I sound silly to myself, nobody will take me seriously." After she was done saying that to me, I was feeling like maybe I was needing to see where this was going to head, and I was just clearly worried for my sister, but unless she knew where this was going to go, and unless if she explained it to me, then I would never help her out here.
"Lydia, will you try and talk with her, and make things up?" I asked, and then I was seeing her looking a bit unsure of what to say now. I was feeling like if she had an idea on what to tell me, and I finally had an idea of what I could try and tell her to make a difference, then it could finally make sense, and everything would be much better for us all. To be honest though, part of me was feeling like I just did not care anymore.
"I might as well. I feel like I have to. It will be the only thing making myself feel better." Once Lydia was finished saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like she was actually thinking about that further. I was seeing that Lydia was wishing to sort of drop the subject, and I knew it was time for her to be happier, and that it was time for me to let this whole thing go, and just make her feel like she was having some chance of being happy.
"Sorry for talking to you about this." I said, and then I was seeing her looking fine, and that she was just glad to know that I was actually doing my best to at least be polite. It was the least that I could do, and I was feeling like maybe being polite was the only way that I could make her feel better. Lydia was just looking like there was virtually nothing she even could think of saying at that moment, and decided to not even try.
"I know that you meant well. I don't blame you." After Lydia was saying that to me, and she was hugging me for a second, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like maybe Lydia was just too far gone to really enjoy this discussion and that was something that even if I wanted to try and prevent, I would not really make any difference on, and that I was just needing to accept what I had done.
"Thanks for being nice at least. I mean, you are a really nice guy, and that is all I feel matters." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was wishing to say more, but was feeling like maybe if we were to talk further on this, then we were just going to be losing track on what was even mattering. I was seeing that Lydia was wishing to say something else to try and make me feel better about what we were doing, but decided that maybe there was nothing left we could even say now.
"It is the least that I can do." I said, and then I was feeling like this was the only thing that even mattered. I was then sighing in anger, at myself, and for being a terrible brother, and I was feeling like I should have been more for her, but just failed miserably to do something like this, and now it was all my fault that she was feeling terrible for what had happened.
...
-Jan 7 1994 8:18 pm- I was seriously just sort of having the entire conversation from last night run through my head, and I was having no fucking idea what I was going to be feeling right now. But I was feeling like I just needed to know what the hell was really keeping Lydia like this. I was honestly not even caring. As long as I knew how she was feeling, and I was feeling like I could help her, then I was feeling like I could be able to finally have an answer that would make it all better for me.
I was feeling like if I wanted to finally just know the truth, I was needing to just let her know. I was needing to get her to be honest with me, and I was needing to be able to get her to just tell me what was scaring her out of her fucking mind, and then when I would finally learn the answer, then I would be able to sort of see if I was going to have even a vague chance of being able to help her out. As crazy as something like this might sound, I was feeling like I needed to try.
I was scared for her sake, and I was feeling like as long as I finally got to know what the issue was, then I would be able to finally have some fucking answers, and I was going to show her that she did not need to worry so much about me, and that she was needing to finally take some time to make her self feel better, and that maybe if she was going to do something like this, then I would finally have some idea on if Lydia was truly fine or not.
I was sighing, telling myself that this was the next quest that I would have, was to reach out to her, and to see if perhaps she would finally open up to me, and if we were going to be able to help each other out, and make something actually make some sense. I was feeling like as long as we were going to help each other out, that was all that was literally going to even fucking come close to mattering in the grand scheme of things.
In a way, I was telling myself to just take things easily, and that maybe when I would see if Lydia had a answer for me, and if Lydia did like me, then everything was going to fucking finally be better for us. I was feeling like as long as Lydia and I worked together, and as long as Lydia and I actually helped each other out, and become better people, then I was feeling like I just sort of needed to take the risk, and go as far as we can. And maybe Lydia would actually like me a bit more.
But despite what I was telling myself, I was thinking about the one thing that I was going to never really understand. The fact that Lydia was sort of feeling like it was her duty to make sure that we were fine, and that we were safe. She did not need to feel that way. Sure, she was my sister, and she needed to try and make me feel safer, but she was sort of allowed to do things on her own without having to take care of us.
Eventually, I was seeing that Josiah was getting to the door of the house, and when he was doing this, I was feeling like I needed to try and talk with him for a bit, and see what he was going to do, and see if I was allowed to come along, or at least get a decent insight on what the plan was, and then depending on what his answer could be, we would be able to sort of find a way to connect after that, and talk for a while longer, and see if maybe the two of us had something we could discuss later.
"What music are you working on?" I asked, and I was seeing Josiah looking right at me, and I was seeing that he was looking mildly annoyed at the timing of this, but since I was innocent enough with my question, I was seeing that he also knew that he needed to at least sort of go along with it, and just let me know, and then we were going to be able to both move on.
"Just some stuff with my friends. Probably something like rock like usual. Nothing too different. I mean, I think that we do not need to really branch out too much. I mean, you probably wouldn't really be all that interested anyways." After Josiah was telling me this, he was looking at me, as if willing to challenge me on this, and see if I was going to try and find something to say to make him change his opinion on this matter. As I was seeing this, I was seeing him looking like there was no need to continue this talk, and like I was actually wasting his time in a way.
"Do you want to play some of that with me someday?" I asked, and he was looking at me, and he was clearly looking like this was not the way that he was wishing to take this moment. As if feeling like this was the last thing that he was wanting to deal with right now. Then with that, he was sighing, and nodding, as if he was feeling like maybe he was being a bit of a asshole if he was not going to try and tell me something else, to make me feel better about this all.
"Maybe some day. Depends on if you are interested in this in the first place. But I guess that maybe if you are, then we could see how this is going to go." After Josiah was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like there was something he was probably slightly interested in, but that he did not want to admit this, in fear of making this turn into a sappy moment.
"I really do got to head out now. You know, just to take care of this right now." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him a little bit sad when he was saying this, and I was seeing that perhaps he was wishing to do something else, but did not want to be saying anything else, as if he was worried that if he were to say anything else, I would tell him that it was not a huge deal, and then everything he was feeling would be thrown away.
"See you when you come back." After I said that to Josiah, he was nodding, feeling like there was nothing else to discuss, and that once we were done with this, we were going to be done with this, and then I was feeling like I was just sort of needing to see what the issue was to this. I was feeling as if maybe Josiah was going to be making a big deal out of something that was not all that important, and that I was just needing to see how I was going to make him feel a bit different about it all.
Once Josiah was out of the house, despite the fact that this was making me feel sad, I was feeling like I was actually still a little glad to see that Josiah was doing so well, and I was feeling like I needed to just make this work out as well as possible. I was wanting to help Josiah make this whole thing better for himself, but if I were to do that, then in a way, I was going to forget the main thing that I had felt like I needed to sort of be taking advantage of.
I was wondering what it would be like to be basically out every single day, doing something that was more exciting and fun then being like a loser stuck up and trapped in his house over nothing else besides his age. Then again, he was in my spot once, and that he was needing to grow to a certain age first, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to sort of just play it off like it did not matter to me, but that was virtually impossible.
Eventually, I was sitting down on the couch, and I was feeling like I needed to listen to his music, and that it would be the most exciting thing in the world if I was able to go and just see one of his performances. The performance was something that I knew would have been able to connect the family again. But I guess that it did not matter all that much anymore.
I was telling myself that Josiah was probably going to be fine on his own, and that he was sort of happy, and that I was needing to not interfere with this whole thing all that much. I was telling myself that maybe as long as I was actually going to be there for him, and show him how much I was wanting to be his friend, then I was feeling like Josiah would have been doing a small amount better. Even if Josiah did not want to admit my contributions to this.
I was telling myself another thing: What my brothers and sister were doing had been none of my business, and when I was old enough to do something like this, go out on my own, then it was going to be none of their business what I was dealing with, and I would not appreciate it if they were going to try and force their agenda onto me or anything like that.
As I was thinking about that, and I was thinking about my brothers a bit more, and I was just sort of going to take things a little bit more casually. I was feeling like as long as I was having that issue on my own, and that when I would be feeling like this some day, I was going to be making things much worse for myself. I was thinking that as long as I was keeping things differently, and as long as I was going to change how it was, it would finally feel like I would start to make some peace with it all.
I was telling myself that as long as we did not push each other too far, then everything would have been fine, and I would have been making some change to this all. I stood up, and then I was walking along, and I was seeing that Jack was talking with Seth for a bit. I was feeling like this was the strangest duo I would see with my siblings, and despite how much I did not want to admit it, I knew that I just needed to get over this.
Eventually, I was feeling like this conversation might have been too good to refuse, and then I was going to the side of the wall, and I was feeling like I just going to listen to what they were talking about, and seeing how they were doing, and then I would be able to finally feel like I was going to have some answers in my life. So with that, I was hearing them talk for a bit longer, although I did not know if I was going to get too much out of this talk now.
"Honestly, I think that the more that we are just going to complain about the way that our siblings are doing things, the more that I will be angry at them. I feel like they do not care for how we feel. Almost as if they are just sort of wanting to do their own thing, and that they do not know what it is like to be in their spot, and hearing them basically acting like they have to take care of us like we are damn babies." Seth was saying to Jack, and I was feeling like there was nothing but pure annoyance with what she was saying, and I was wondering what pissed him off.
"I think that maybe I just need to sort of help them out. But until they admit their mistakes, and until they are willing to help us out, I feel like this might be a bit much to handle." After Jack was saying this to Seth, I was seeing Seth clearly wanting to say more to try and maybe make Jack feel better, but at the same time, just could not force himself to even pretend like he was cool with anything happening at all.
"They are never going to listen to us. They don't care what we think. They want to use us, and they want to pretend like we have no valid opinions at all. Which just angers me that they clearly do not value what we are dealing with." After Seth was making peace that he was not going to say something to make Jack feel better, he was looking at Jack, wondering what he was going to say next, if anything at all.
"I guess that maybe I would be used to it by now. But I am not used to the fact that people just clearly think that I am too far down to be taken seriously. I know I make jokes a lot, and that most of the time, I'm not serious, but when it comes to my siblings, I am actually really serious, and want to be treated as such." After Seth said that, I was shocked to hear him upset at not being taken seriously, and then I was telling myself that maybe I was needing to be very careful with this from now on, to make sure he was not going to be angry at me either.
"Well, I think that maybe we should try and talk with our siblings what the problems are, and if we speak our mind to them, and help them understand what we believe, they will take us more seriously." After Jack was saying that to me, I was seeing that he was clearly just trying to be making Jack feel better, but that there was just a part of him that was feeling like maybe something like this was just not even going to be possible anymore.
"Thanks for talking with me about this. It makes me feel better honestly." Once Seth said that to his brother, I saw that Seth was clearly looking like there was no need to say anything else, and that if he even tried, he would be feeling like a fucking liar, and that there would be a huge derailment of his point.
...
-Jan 8 1994 2:18 am- I was just sort of getting over this whole thing, and I was sort of bringing myself to a level of understanding that I did not even really matter anymore. I was sort of feeling like almost fucking nothing even mattered anymore. I did not know if my family was needing or wanting my help anymore, and I was sort of just accepting the fact that maybe something like this was just not going to be working so easily, and as I was feeling like I was needing to let go of it, I was sighing, sort of just angry at myself. Angry at myself for trying so damn hard to make my voice heard.
In a way, I was feeling like I was only making things much worse for them all. I was feeling like everything that I had done was only going to get people sort of just pissed at me, and I did not want them to be feeling this way, and I was feeling terrible if they were going to be like this. Feeling terrible if they were actually annoyed with me. But at the same time, I was sort of telling myself that I was not a terrible sibling, and I was feeling like maybe they would have been able to admit that in their own right.
I guess that it did not really even matter anymore. I was feeling like if people really actually wanted to know what I was feeling, they would have tried and talk with me in the first place. They would have tried and make me feel a little bit more open and a little bit more accepted. But something like this might have been a bit rough to even consider.
I was feeling like I was going to just hang out with my family one day, and when I would hang out with my family, and see how they were doing, I would finally just sort of be able to be enough of a man to kind of get over it all. I was thinking that maybe if I was showing my siblings more of how I was feeling, the more that they might have been kind of annoyed with me, and kind of just feeling like I had been pushing this too far, and the more that their patience, if they had any, would have been out.
As I was feeling this all, and as I was sort of just making these thoughts all to myself, I was standing up, feeling like I did not even want to be talking with other people about this. I did not want people to try and tell me off. I did not want people to act like I was going crazy, and I did not want people to act like I was fine with everything, since I was not going to be fine with the way that I was thinking about everything right now.
When I was in the kitchen, feeling like I was going to be sort of find after a couple of moments of thought, and then after this was happening, I was hearing Henry calling out to me. As if feeling like he was able to catch me in the act of doing something terrible. I was looking right at them, and then I was sighing, feeling like I was just needing to see what I would tell him, and talk to him over. "Hey, I was wondering if you were doing alright. Since it seems like you are rather busy." After Henry was telling me this, I was looking at him, as if wondering if there was something he was trying to accomplish. I was sighing, feeling no point in lying to him about what I had felt.
"I am doing fine enough. I mean, I see everybody doing fine and stuff, and I am kind of jealous. I am kind of jealous of the fact that it seems like you guys are doing so fine, and that I am here, wondering what the main issue was." I said, and then I was seeing him looking a bit unsure of what to be telling me. I was seeing him almost like he was wanting to already get out of the conversation, like I had sort of put him in a corner.
"I wouldn't really worry about it. Everybody is doing their own thing. Just let them be fine." After Henry was telling me this, I was seeing him looking totally confused at what the issue was, and I was glancing at him for a second or two longer, feeling like I would not say anything, and that I would just let him sort of try and tell me off. I did not want him to treat me like what I was saying did not matter. But in his eyes, it probably did not, and I would not lie to myself about it.
"It's just annoying to see everybody busy and off doing their own thing." I said, and I was meaning what I had said to him, and then Henry was looking like he did not even really want to respond to me, and that he was just letting me sort of be annoyed with myself, and that eventually, he would come in and talk to me about what he was feeling on the issue. But I felt no need to continue, so that came sooner than later.
"Everybody is just thinking that they can be fine. It's nothing shocking." After Henry was telling me this, I was seeing him looking at me, as if feeling like this is something that I should have expected by now. But I did not know what to be saying right now. I was feeling like there was a better answer to what was going on, and I was wanting to know more of what he had felt.
"But I wish people were more nice about it." After I had said this to Henry, I was seeing him looking differently on this, as if he was almost wanting to say something in agreement or to fight, but decided not to say something. I was angry at this whole thing, and I was thinking that I was just going to sort of leave the situation alone. "How are you with it?" I asked, feeling like I just needed to get him to open up with me a bit more.
"People are never going to be nice when they feel like they need to make a point. If people were nice about it, then they would be losing it. They would be losing the point, and everything would be made pointless." After Henry was saying this to me, I felt like I needed to try and say more, but decided not to say anything on it, and that I just needed to shut up. I wanted to hang out with Henry, and see how he was feeling. But he had made his point, and that was all that mattered now.
"But would being nice hurt?" I asked, and then I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but decided against it. Maybe he was feeling like I would not have enough of a grasp of reality to hear his statements. Maybe he was right, but this whole thing was actually kind of pissing me off, and I was wanting him to have a chance to sort of enlighten me on what to think on this whole matter at hand.
"Maybe it would. Maybe being nice would require a emotional connection that can't be made. I would not worry about it too much. But do what you can, and just have fun. Don't worry about what people say." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say more, but was not daring to, on the idea that I was going to go further on this, and that I was going to make him sort of be forced to talk longer, and talk further, and then we were all going to be going in loops.
"Maybe you know what it is like to make a bond." After I was saying that to him, I was seeing him looking at me, and I was seeing him clearly looking kind of bad for me, and I was seeing that he was wanting to find something better to say, but was just worried about my reaction, and was worried on if I was going to say something he would not really be ready for.
So as he was saying this to me, I was seeing him sort of ready to just let the subject go, and I was feeling like this was the best that I was going to get out of any of this. "I sometimes know what it is like to make a bond. But that is the best that I can say. And sometimes I do not even remember how important those bonds are." After Henry told me this, I saw him look at me, as if willing to challenge me on this.
"Seriously, I need to go bed now. I mean, I know that you probably want to continue this going on and on and on, but I can't lie to myself either." After Henry was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say something else, I was seeing him just sort of looking like in a way, he was not going to speak out anymore what he was feeling, and that in a way, he had already made his point.
"Sorry, I will see you later." I said, and then Henry was nodding, as if there was a small part that had silently been dreading this fact, and like he was not wanting to admit it, but he was going to just do whatever he was going to be able to do to get out of this conversation the nice but easy was. I was not wanting to make him angry at me, but I was feeling like the way that he was acting right now had been a bit much, and I was feeling like he was allowed to feel a certain way about me without being a fucking dick about it.
As he was heading off to his room, I was feeling like I just needed to be taking this easily, and I needed to be taking this in a way he was not going to be mad at me, and that if he was going to show me what he was feeling, he could have at least be a bit nicer on this, and then I would have helped him out a bit more. But at the same time I was just wishing to find a way to make myself feel differently on this, and not be dragging this out any further.
I was sitting down on the chair, and then I was looking at the screen, and I was feeling like I was needing to be taking this seriously, and that I was needing to be more respectful for him, and when I was feeling that, I was just telling myself to be taking it more seriously, and that I was needing to actually not just brush off everything so easily, and just be making a fucking joke on this. Since I knew that there was probably something of validity here.
I was smiling though at one thing. The fact that my brothers were just talking with me in the first place. Them talking with me was always something that I enjoyed deeply, and it was always something that I was willing to take advantage of no matter what the fucking route to that would have been.
…
-Jan 9 1994 3:25 pm- I had sort of given up on trying to figure out what the main issues with my brothers were. If I were to do that, I think I would have been going crazy, and I feel like I could not have really made such a thing work out in the first place. I was stuck here, and I was going to have to accept the fact that they were probably not wanting anybody to get in their business in the first place. They were probably better without me constantly being worried about them, in their own way.
So as I was feeling that way, and I was feeling like I could come to some form of acceptance with that, I had been looking at the small group of them who were still inside of the house after school was let out. Seth and Jack were already home, and it was looking like Lydia was going to be coming soon, due to the fact that she always came in later than them by about twenty minutes or so ever since she began to hang out with Claire.
I was feeling like I would try and talk to them, see how they were doing, see if I could be able to get along with them for a bit, and make them feel like I was going to get into their niche well. But at the same time, there was a part of me that was feeling like this was just not going to happen, and in a way, I would be wasting my time even trying to make such a thing come close to happening.
So with that, I was just looking at the window, and I was hoping for Lydia to return, since I was feeling like no matter what the case would have been, I would have been able to say hello to them, and get them to feel welcome, and maybe Lydia would give me one of her nice hugs, and then I would feel like I was being loved yet again. If such a thing was even needed to be affirmed. Although part of me was wondering something a little bit silly.
I was wondering if I was her favorite sibling out of them all. I was feeling like if I was not her favorite, I would be a bit sad, and I would feel like I needed to try a bit harder, to make her feel like I would be able to connect with her a bit better. But despite how much I was wanting something like that, to be her favorite, part of me was wondering if that even really mattered all that much at the end. I was wondering if I needed to be her favorite.
I mean, as long as she did not publicly say that I wasn't, and that she preferred another one, then I would be able to go under the narrative that I was, and that would have to be a good enough thing for me to go off of, even if it was something that I would have to be playing a little bit with.
Eventually, I was seeing Gabe coming out of his room, and when I had seen that, I was looking at the strange bulge inside of his pocket. One that I would later realize was much more than just a simple fucking wallet or something like that. I was feeling like I really wanted to see what the bulge was, and that I was going to just need to see if I could be able to convince him to tell me about it a bit, and then if he was not ashamed of it, then maybe I could see what was so special about it all.
I was feeling like if I was able to learn about that, and learn what he was doing, and what had started to make him transform from a guy who was always willing to be at our side every day, to just being a guy who was barely coming in and out of the house, then I would feel like at least part of my mental interest would be going away, and part of my confusion would be just brushed off now.
I was walking towards him, and when I was in front of him, I was tugging at his leg. I did this a couple of times to make sure that I got his attention, and he was turning around to look at me, and I was seeing that he was having a clearly mixed feeling of seeing me here. As if he was just trying to understand what I was even trying to accomplish here. "What are you up to?" Gabe asked, and I was seeing that he was wanting to not sound annoyed, but I was seeing that maybe he was just failing to do something like this.
"I was wanting to see if you were doing good. I never see you around anymore." I said, and then Gabe's look went from being annoyed to being kind of sad, as if he was aware of something like this, and he was now starting to let the weight of that sink in. He was sighing, as if feeling like maybe he was just needing to try and find a way to make me feel differently about this.
"Honestly, I wish that I could have been able to see you guys more often. That is probably not going to happen though. I wish that you never had to deal with the stuff that I was dealing with." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say something else, to try and make me feel a bit better, but that at the moment, there really was nothing else to say.
"I mean, this is very important. Don't worry about it. I am going to make sure that everything gets taken care of, and then we can go back into doing our own thing." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing that part of him was just desperately hoping that I would buy into what I was saying, and I was thinking about what the hell Gabe and I were even going to be getting out of this.
"Can you tell us eventually?" I asked, and then I was feeling like I just needed to see where this was even going to go. I was wanting to make Gabe feel like there was a choice, and that he did not have to lock himself into this. I did not know if such a thing was even possible, but I did not give a fuck. I was feeling like I just needed to get him to listen to me.
"This is not going to work out, I will have to keep this information to myself, and you are just going to have to accept it. One way or another, you are just going to have to accept this." Gabe was saying to me, and I was seeing him looking like he was really not in the mood to be messing with me here. If I even dare to say anything else, then I would annoying him.
"But what about the older ones?" I asked, and then I was seeing Gabe looking a bit unsure of what to tell me. I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to just leave me alone, and I was feeling like if I dared to say anything else, he would not go out of his way to try and act fine with this, he would be showing me that he was over it, and that he was wanting me to do something else with my time besides pestering him all the damn time.
I was almost feeling bad for this, and I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to get over it. "Sorry, I will leave you alone." I said, and then I was seeing that he was looking like that was the main thing that he had needed for me to tell him. He was looking like he was finally getting close to accepting everything, and that maybe when Gabe would find all the answers out, and when he would finally bring it together, then we would know what to be doing.
Eventually, I was seeing Gabe giving me a tight, unintentionally, but comforting hug, and then when he was letting go, I was seeing him looking right at me, and then he was smiling a small bit. "I appreciate you caring though." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking a bit better about what he had said and then he was standing up, and walking out of the house. As he was doing this, I was sighing, feeling like I could have been better, and I could have done more, but felt like it was going to be the best that I was going to get out of this, and just needed to accept such a thing.
As Gabe was finally gone once again, I was feeling like I had needed so much more, and like I wanted so much more than just a simple hug. I was feeling like a simple hug would have been the worst outcome, because I do not know how sincere it had been, and I had no idea if he was feeling like he just had to say that to me, to make me feel better about this whole thing.
I was feeling like if I was going to finally get him to open up, and finally get him to talk with me, that would have been all that I wanted. All that I had needed. But I was just sort of confused as to this now. I was feeling like when I would see Gabe again, I would try much harder, and I would force him to tell me more. Or as close to force as I would be able to when I was a younger kid, and barely anybody took me seriously.
I had no idea how much something like this would have required true grit and determination, but I did not care. I was feeling like if I needed to talk with Gabe, I would have been just saying that he was making me feel sad for not knowing how close he was to safety. I was going to tell him that he needed to have a greater connection with me, to sort of make it feel more genuine to how I was. Despite what I had been feeling, I just did not even care anymore.
I had tried to understand what the issue with this family had beem what the main thing everybody was even trying to accomplish was. I was feeling like if I did not know what the main goal behind this was, then I would have gone crazy. I was feeling like Gabe really was a decent guy, who felt like he was doing the right thing, but he was lacking the methods to get there, and I was feeling like the lack of proper methods was the main thing that was dragging him down.
If he would just tell us what the issue was, and tell us why he was lying, then I would have felt better about it all. I would have felt better about what I was getting myself into, and I would have felt better about not doing anything to help my brothers out. Which I was feeling like had been my grave mistake at the end of it all.
But despite what I had been feeling, there was something else that I was not wanting to admit but I knew deep down inside was probably the truth. And that was the fact that I was probably just simply not the sibling who could have helped out. I was only three years old. How the hell would I have been able to make any fucking difference? In all reality, deep down inside, I was aware that I was being a fucking idiot. I was being too brash.
But that did not change the fact that I had wanted to do something, the fact that I had felt like doing something was the best thing that I could have done. I was feeling like if I had some fucking route of plan, and some way to show Gabe that I was not lost and not going to make things worse, than I feel like maybe I would have had a leg to stand on. But I needed to first find something that was going to be considered anywhere close to a plan, and then once I would do that, I would have to find a way to try and come through with it, and not look like I was in the wrong path.
I was feeling like none of this even fucking mattered anymore though. I wanted to help my brothers, and that was the only thing that was on my mind for the longest time. How the hell would I have helped them, and how the hell would I have gotten them to see that I was willing to push my own boundaries for them. In a way, I was feeling like I needed to be more rough with Gabe and the others if I wanted to make my point.
Sure, I was the third youngest, and some people would barely consider me to be more than a baby, but I don't care. I don't give a fuck what I was feeling, and I don't care what they were feeling. I was wanting to be making them see that I was not a boy that I could be messed with. I then wondered for a moment what the others who were older than me even thought of me in the first place. Or if they were willing to be thinking about me much, and not feel like I was sort of just wasting time.
Despite what was going on in my mind, I was then thinking about something else. The fact that even if they were a bit much to handle, my siblings never showed any sign of contempt or anything towards me. In fact, usually the opposite. They usually always showed signs of caring for me, and wanting to make me feel better, and make me feel like I was there, and I was a man who mattered. It was just that sometimes it was hard to focus on me, considering the fact that I was on the younger end of the spectrum. It was a totally different mindset they were playing with here.
I was telling myself that my siblings were just doing the best that they could given the situation, and as I was telling myself this, and as I was telling myself that I needed to remember where they were coming from, and what they were doing, I was sighing, and I was starting to feel like I was going to have to try and accomplish this more often for all of our sakes. And that I would just have to stick with Lydia for a while longer.
As this was happening, I was seeing Henry looking at me from the kitchen. As he was doing this, I was seeing that there was a look on his face as if to sort of indicating that I needed to get used to this feeling, and that I needed to get over it, and not be upset about it anymore. And when I was seeing him like this, I was sighing, and just shook my head, almost not even caring.
I eventually was just wanting to make Henry know that I was not too worried over such a thing, but in a way, I was just not even caring. I was telling myself that when I would see Henry again, and talk with him, the two of us could talk about what it was like to be brushed off by the older siblings, and maybe he must have at least gotten what it was really like.
But as this was happening, and I was trying to find something to say, I decided that I was not even going to bother with this anymore. So with that, I was walking to the kitchen, and then I was going to just see how he was doing, and then we could talk about it. I did not know if we needed to talk in the first place. I did not care though. Part of me was just wanting to see if I would have been able to pester him.
There was one thing that was crossing my mind though, and that was the fact that I truly had no idea what Henry was feeling. I had no idea if he was used to something like this, or if he was just sick of it. I was feeling like he was probably sick of it, and that he had known this whole thing longer than I ever could have, and that to have me upset about it was almost kind of rich now.
I was wondering what Henry was having to deal with, being the first of the after Lydia siblings, and probably being treated as nothing more than a slightly annoying kid as a result. When I was starting to realize for the first time that what he was dealing with might have sucked as well, I was sighing, feeling like maybe I just needed to keep what I was telling myself in perspective more, and that maybe when I would do that, there was going to be a small chance that I would feel almost like we were together in a way. I had no idea what Henry was dealing with, and I just sort of needing to get over it, and I just needed to let it go, and not push my luck any longer.
…
-Jan 10 1994 5:25 pm- I was wanting to pretend like there was no real issue to what was going on, but I could not stop fucking thinking about what was inside of Gabe's pocket, and I could not stop thinking about what it would be like to just finally know the answer, so I would be able to move on with my mind, and just think about issues that I was feeling like would have been more important, and issues I felt like I would be able to possibly get to know more about.
But despite what I had been feeling, I was telling myself that maybe I was just going to need to think a bit harder about what it would be like to actually earn his trust in the first place. I was feeling that I needed to do something like this before I would even come close to having him feel like he would be able to actually be upfront with me, and that we could work out in a way. I was feeling that I could make more of a indent with Henry, and see what he was feeling.
As I was feeling this, there was something that I was sort of just wanting to get a better answer to. I was wanting to see if Henry knew what was going on, and if he was even actually able to open up, and talk with people, and not be sort of like a weird fucking mummy-like person. I was thinking that Henry needed to just do something better than just being angry and not talking with anybody, and just looking like he was wanting to snap at any second.
Maybe if I could get him to open up, and see that there was something he could do here, and that maybe talking with me would not be so bad, then perhaps the two of us would be able to kick it off, and then the two of us would finally feel like we were able to just bone a bit stronger. So with that, I decided that I was going to give it a try, and that maybe when I would see him, and talk with him, the two of us would be able to know each other more, and that the two of us did not need to worry about what everybody else was feeling about us.
But first I would need to get him to agree with the idea of talking to me. I was feeling like doing that would have already been a rough first test, and that him wanting to talk to me would have already been something that I would have to consider an achievement in my own right. But I was not thinking about that as I reached up to him, and then I spoke a greeting to him, and then he was looking at me, and I was seeing that he was looking kind of shocked to see me there, and was getting back to his gloomy self.
"I was just getting ready to do something. What were you wanting to talk about?" Henry asked me, and I was seeing him looking a bit worried to see me, and I was seeing that Henry was just trying to look normal, and that he was trying to make it look like he was having a minor amount of patience to this, but the more that I was looking at him, the more and more that I was seeing that he was just not able to make it look like he was able to accomplish anything like that. I was looking down, aware that I needed to get to my point as fast as possible.
"What were you going to do?" I asked, and I was seeing that Henry was giving me that exact same look that Gabe had given me earlier, and I was seeing that whatever I was getting myself into, I was certainly not seeing their bright side. But at the same time, I did not give a shit. I was wanting to see if maybe I could help him out, and I was going to do whatever it took to get there, even if I was going to be annoying him to get there.
But despite what he was looking like, and despite how he was feeling, he decided to talk a bit longer. "I was going to play outside." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him a bit annoyed about this whole thing. I was seeing him looking like he had wished to say something else, to get me away. But that there was a part of him that knew that even he could not be able to hold any negative feelings with talking to me.
"How is it like to play outside?" I asked, and he was looking like maybe what I was asking was just going to be a bit more annoying than anything else, but when he was thinking about what he was going to tell me, and he was clearly thinking about what it would have been like to properly describe the feeling, he was smiling, and thinking about how lucky I would have been one of these days, when I was five.
"It is nice, and it is a lot of fun to just mess around. You know, just not caring. Doing something you enjoy. I think that this is the best that I can say." After Henry was telling me this, I was seeing him looking a bit unsure of what to tell me now, since I was feeling like he had already voiced how he had felt, and that saying anything else would have been a waste of time.
"Do you want to have friends with you?" I asked, and I did not want to be saying that to piss him off. I was feeling like I just sort of needed to see what he was going to say, and if he was going to be mad at me. I was seeing that there was a level of annoyance that he was getting with people telling him about his lack of friends.
"I already have people that are nice to me. That is all that I need." Henry was telling me, and then he was looking like he was wanting me to leave him alone, and that he was just sort of wishing that he did not need to be reminded of this stuff all the time. I was seeing that there was a small part of him that looked kind of sad at me right now.
"Do you like to be with them?" After I asked this, I was seeing him looking a bit differently at that second question, as if feeling like that was a more valid one, and one that he would have been willing to answer. I was seeing him wanting to possibly talk a bit longer, but at the same time, there was no real issue to what was happening, and I was just wishing to see what Henry was really dealing with.
"Yeah, I do. They are not the most exciting people, but they are nice. They make me feel welcome, and they make me feel like they actually do like to listen to me." Henry was saying to me, and there was a part of me that was feeling like I just needed to let him feel this, and that I just needed to not be pushing what I was feeling to him any further, and that if I did that, I would only be making things even worse for him.
Despite what was going on, I was seeing Henry looking like he was having a rather conflicted feeling to all that was actually going on now. "Well, have some fun. Sorry for keeping you stuck." I said, and then I was seeing Henry looking right at me, and I was seeing that maybe we were just going to have to try and make some of this work out better for us. I was seeing Henry just looking almost kind of conflicted on the whole idea of actually enjoying something, and if such a thing would have even been a bit possible. So with that, he was sighing, and not saying anything else.
"See you later. Thanks for talking to me." After Henry was telling me this, I was seeing that there was a small hint of sincerity to what he had been saying, and that was the main thing that made me feel better about what was going on. Seeing Henry actually at least giving me some form of fake approval, was the only thing that I could have wished for when talking with them.
Eventually, I was seeing him walking along, and I was feeling like there was no real issue to what was happening, and I was feeling like maybe when I would see Henry again, and when I would talk with him, he would tell me what was so good or bad about these friends, and I was telling myself to try and keep a relatively open mind, for his sake, and to make him feel like I was not trying to make things worse.
I sat down, and then I was thinking about what Henry was doing, and what it was like to have the right age to play outside. I knew that it was only a year and a half away, but that feeling inside, that wish to just do it, and just have some fun, was killing me. I was wanting to get out there so badly, and I was wanting to enjoy the fresh air so much. I did not care how selfish the whole thing was seeming, and I was not caring what people were going to be telling me.
I was telling myself that being upset about it all was not going to be changing the whole thing, and that I just needed to be doing something else with my time. That maybe if I came along, and joined like Todd or something, on a hang out with Bebe, then maybe I would be feeling like I was getting something at the very least. It was not going to be much, but it was going to have to do, and I was going to have to have to see what Bebe would do to make me feel more welcome in her social circle.
I was feeling like this Bebe girl was going to be the nicest person ever, no matter what anybody could be saying about like Lydia or anything. I mean, Lydia was good, and Lydia did seem to always have a sense of sisterly protection to her, but I was feeling like if I was to get on Bebe's good side, then everything would be great, and everything would be coming together just the way it was meant to come together.
I was getting up, and I was feeling like I needed to try and see how something could have worked out. I was telling myself that I just needed to give of a fucking great presentation, and that I needed to just make it clear that I wanted her to feel happier with seeing us. I did not give a single shit what people were saying. I was thinking that Todd would have probably met a really nice person with Bebe, if she did not reject me, and that by feeling like this, maybe she would have been really happy to hear me say something like this.
Once I was up the stairs, I was seeing that Todd was just standing out of the front door, and he was clearly looking like he was waiting for something, and I wanted to see what he was doing. So I was walking towards the direction of the door, and I was feeling like I would bother him for a moment, and that this would be fine in his eyes, after a couple of moments.
I was looking, and saw that Todd was doing something on his own. I was seeing that he was looking decently well considering the situation, and then I was standing next to Todd, and I was feeling like I would need to know what I was going to be planning to say now.
"Hey Todd, how are you?" I asked, and he was looking right at me, and I was seeing him looking a bit unsure of what he was going to tell me, almost as if scared that whatever he was going to say, I would not fully process, and not understand how he was going to get me out of this. "I heard about Bebe, and she sounds awesome." I said, and then I was feeling like I did not need to say more.
"She is awesome. That is the best way to describe it. I mean, I think that next time she comes by, which is soon, and she will see you, and maybe if she likes you enough, and you present yourself well enough, she will let you hang out with us." Todd was saying to me, and hearing him tell me that was all that I needed to hear to feel like my motivation was over the top. My excitement to be seeing the famed Bebe was all that mattered.
As he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say something else, but in a way, was feeling that it wasn't all that big of a deal. "Todd, does Bebe like us so far?" I had felt like this question was a valid one, and I was feeling like maybe if he was going to tell me that this was not the case, then I would be able to be ready for something like this before I set myself too deeply into this.
"She thinks you guys are cool, and she wants to hang around you." After Todd was telling me this, I was feeling like this had been enough for me to feel like we were going to be heading to a level of happiness. "I mean, in the couple of times she has socialized with you all, she seems to be fine with you guys, although she seems to kind of think that maybe Henry is a bit odd." After Todd said that, I nodded, feeling like it was hard not to feel that way.
"Which ones has she met so far?" I asked, feeling like that was probably the most valid question that I would be able to ask him. He was looking at me, sighing, and feeling like maybe if he was wishing to have this discussion, he would have set aside more time to try and talk with me now.
"Pretty much all the ones before Lydia, and I think Henry at least of the ones after her. I don't know if she has met Lydia though." Todd said, and then he was almost feeling a bit unsure of where to keep the talk going on for a bit longer.
"Does she like them?" I asked, and I was aware that I kind of asked the same question already, but I did not give a shit. I was wanting to see what Todd was going to say, and I was wanting to see if perhaps he was actually having a big story he would be able to give me now.
"She thinks that Gabe is rather nice, and does seem to be a easily socialable person. She respects the determination that Josiah has to fulfill his field, and she sort of seems like she can kind of respect the fact that he will probably fill it up. I think she thinks that Seth is a bit of annoying on some of the jokes, but I think deep down inside, she also appreciates his kind and out there sense humor on the whole. She seems to feel bad for Jack, knowing what it is like to want something she might never have." After Todd was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like there was no more to even say.
"Honestly though, I think she just sort of wants to make sure that nothing that happens is going to be making him feel awful. I think that Jack is the one she would be most willing to connect with, at least temporarily, and make sure that he gets on the team, and then maybe when that is all done, she will feel like she can be able to move forward." Todd was telling me, and then I was seeing him almost looking like he was wishing to say something else, to change the perception of this discussion, but sort of decided that maybe nothing else mattered.
"Do you think Jack is going to make the team?" I asked, feeling like this was a valid point of discussion, and then Todd was looking right at me, and then he was sighing, sort of confused on what to tell me, and he was clearly just wanting to make me feel better, but did not know why I cared about Jack so much.
"I think that Jack might make the team if he tries hard enough. I think that he just has to put in his best effort, no matter how much time passes. You know, if he does not make it, I will try to let him remember that there is always next year, but to be honest with you, even I feel like that is going to be a petty ass consolation." After Todd was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say more, but could not do it.
"I mean, I think that he has placed in a lot of time and effort into this, and I think that this is enough to make a difference. I think that maybe if for nothing else, this can sort of change how it works." After Todd was finished with his statement, I was seeing that maybe the idea of Jack not making it to the team would have been sort of sad, but he would not change it.
"I wish that he was not so worried about what everybody thought of him. If he would not be like this, and if he was himself more, then the issues would not be there. I feel bad for him, but I feel like he is too worried about some of the more superficial story here." After Todd was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but decided not to say anything about it for a moment.
"Do you think Jack will be happy if he makes it to the team?" I asked, and I knew that this question was going to be pointless, but for some reason, I was feeling like I was needing to just hear what his affirmation could have been, and I was feeling like maybe I just sort of needed to see if maybe Jack was going to be alright in his own right.
"I think he will be acting like he had been on top of the world, sort of just wanting to let it all sink in. I think that the sport team is the only thing will come even close to making him feel right, and I will try and support him here." Todd was trying to say, and I was feeling like maybe if Todd was going to say more, he would have said it by now, and not been brushing me off here.
"I think that even if I do not full on get it, and I do not fully feel like being on the team is important, I am going to try and help him make it, and that is all that I can get out of it." After Todd was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but decided not to say more on it.
"Todd, I think he should be happy, and he should make it to the team, and by doing so, he can make it work." I was saying, and I was feeling like the prospect of Jack making it onto the team was easily the more important thing to be doing, and I was feeling like virtually nothing else fucking mattered, no matter what people would have said.
"His happiness is going to be fucking impossible, and I feel like I just need to get over it. I want to see him doing well, but he is not even giving us a chance to help him out. Almost like he had this idea in his mind that he needs to prove it to us that he can handle this, and that he is going to need to find a way to change how it is going. But I guess that it does not really matter." Todd was telling me, and then I was seeing him just sort of looking like there was nothing to discuss now.
"I think that him being happy is worth the try at least. If he doesn't get what he wants, then nothing can work out the way it is supposed to." I said, and then I was holding my hands up, and Todd was looking at me, as if feeling like he was almost agreeing with me, but decided that he was not going to say anything else about it. He was just sort of fucking over it.
"I mean, I think that maybe he just believes that nobody supports him, and while I think that this is not true, I feel like I can't change what he believes, and that I am just going to have to accept what he says. I am going to have to just accept the fact that he believes in this whole thing." After Todd was saying this, I was seeing him looking sort of over this shit, and that there was no real need to continue speaking any longer.
As he was telling me this, and before I could even dream of trying to find more to say, a person just parked their car, and it was not the person that Dylan was telling me of. I was seeing that it was a girl with black hair, and looked to be close to Todd's age. When I was seeing her, Todd instantly lit up, and he was looking like this was making him on top of the world. As he was looking like this, I was smiling, knowing that this was the girl he had been waiting forward to seeing.
"We can talk about it more. Trust me, I have a lot of stuff to think of." After Todd said that to me, I was seeing him looking a bit unsure of what to say now. He just looked like he was sort of happy to know that no matter what was going on, Todd was always going to have somebody who was going to make him feel good at his side, and then he walked inside of the car. I watched for a couple of seconds, and then I sighed, and then left back in the house.
As Todd and Bebe were heading off, I was telling myself that I would meet them later, and I would show her that I was a good guy later, and that soon enough, they were going to be on top of the world, and that perhaps I just needed to let them know that I was going to support how happy they had been, and that this was the only thing that truly mattered for me, was the fact that I knew they were doing good. That they were going to be keeping together a level of happiness at least for now.
…
-Jan 11 1994 3:21 am- I was getting up in the middle of the night to go use the rest room, and when I was done with that, I would be going right to bed. Or at least that was what I was feeling like I would have been able to do. But as this was happening, I was seeing that Todd was hanging out with Bebe at that moment, and I was feeling like I just needed to see what he was doing, and if I was going to be able to come along and join. I was also wondering why the hell they were up so late.
As I was having all of these questions sort of flowing together at that moment, I was walking towards them, and I knew that there was a chance that they were going to be kind of annoyed with me, but that after a moment, they would probably going to get over it, and that they were just going to let me tag along for a couple of minutes, and then when I would be tired, I would go to bed, and they wouldn't have to deal with me anymore anyways.
I was feeling like I might as well just sort of see what the hell they were wanting to do here anyways, and I would see if they were going to be pissed to see me around. I doubted that they were going to be making a huge issue out of it. I was just telling myself this over and over again as I was walking to the area. When I was seeing both of them doing this, I was feeling like I might as well break into the conversation, and make it seem to be sort of worth it.
"Are you Bebe?" I asked when I was close enough, and then both of them looked down, and saw me, and I was seeing that both of them were sort of looking a bit annoyed to see me here, and that they were both wishing to avoid this type of conversation. But with that, they were clearly getting over that moment and they were clearly willing to at least given the presentation that they were fine with having me here for the moment.
"Yeah, I'm Bebe. I met Todd a few weeks ago for the first time since high school, and we're just sort of connecting again. I think that this is the first time we met." Bebe said, and I knew that she was just trying to be nice, and Todd was feeling like he had to play along, but at the same time, I was feeling like maybe he was really not going to be a huge fan of this whole thing.
"Todd told me about you." I said, feeling like I did not need to lie or hide the truth. And that maybe she would kind of enjoy that fact, and that she might be willing to see if Todd was talking about her fondly behind her back or something. I was feeling as if anything, what I had done would help out.
"I was telling her about how you never really met the others yet, and that they might like to get to know you." Todd was saying, and I was seeing him sort of looking like he would defuse this situation if he was just focused on the end product enough, and then Bebe was nodding, and she was looking like there was nothing wrong with what he had said. "I just told him about some of your first impressions of the others as well."
"He told me you hate Henry." I said, and I was feeling like I would be able to use this as a way to get a head start on Henry, and make her like at me more than at least one of them, and by doing so, there would be a chance where we would be able to have a greater connection to this. Bebe looked at me, as if unsure of what to say now.
"I would not go as far as to say that I hate him. I just think he's really odd. And I think that maybe he cares a bit too much about death and stuff." Bebe was saying, as if trying to make it seem like she did not really have a issue with him, and then when she was done saying that, Todd gave me a glance, as if trying to figure out what the hell I was even trying to accomplish with any of this at the moment.
"I mean, I think that he is probably the one I will have a harder time connecting to compared to the others, but to say that I hate him might be a bit much." After she was done saying that, she sighed, as if feeling like there was no need to say anything else, and that she had felt like she fully made her point, and would be able to sort of just move on from this whole thing. Then I looked at her, kind of wondering what to say now.
"Is Todd cool?" I asked, and I was not even meaning it in a bad context. Bebe was looking at Todd, and after a couple of seconds, she nodded, and I was happy to see her sort of looking like she was willing to accept Todd as that, and that maybe there was more she was going to get out of hanging out with us than she had probably wanted to admit.
"He is a really nice guy. I mean, total polar opposite of what he was like in high school, and truly seems to care about every single one of you." After she had said that, she nodded, and I was seeing Todd looking like he was glad to see her admit his improvements as a brother and as a person, and that he had come a ways on his own right.
"Sorry to bother you." I said, and I was feeling like I was not really wanted, and as a result, I was feeling like I was just needing to pretend like I was not going to be making a huge issue out of this, and that I was needing to just go away. "It's nice to see you guys so happy." I said, and I was genuinely meaning what I was saying, and then I was seeing Bebe looking like she was glad to hear me telling her that.
"Don't worry about it. Nice to see you looking like you are so happy. I mean, I never really understood what it was like to have such a large family. I never really knew if you guys were ready for such a thing, but it seems like you guys are able to handle it mostly." After Bebe was telling me this, I knew that she was not meaning anything bad by this, but at the same time, I was feeling like there was a small part of her that was looking a bit unsure of what to be saying, as if she was wishing to sort of see what her family could have been like if she was in our shoes.
"You get used to it." Todd was saying, and I was feeling like he was probably going to have more validity to saying that than virtually anybody in the family, considering the fact that he had been dealing with this ever since he was two years old, and was probably sort of over it by this point. Although it had seemed like he had sort of just wanted a bit more. "I mean, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like without everybody in the family, but it is not that huge of a deal."
"Hey Drake, how do you like having such a large family?" Bebe asked, and I was seeing her looking a bit unsure of what to be saying now, and I was clearly able to just see that she was really wishing to see how I was going to incorporate myself into this conversation, and if I was able to really have any insightful statements. To be honest, I think that if she was expecting anything from me, it would be impossible.
"It's fun. I'm sometimes scared if I'm anybodys favorite or not." I said, and then I was looking down, feeling like a bit of a loser when I was saying this, and I was seeing Bebe looking a bit unsure of what the heck I was going to be saying now. I was seeing her sort of wanting to just sort of question me on if it really mattered how much I was everybodys favorite or not. "I just want to be the top brother." I said, and then I was seeing Bebe looking a bit unsure of what to say now, and I was seeing Bebe just kind of off.
"Everybody likes you. That should be enough for you to be happy." After Bebe was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like there was nothing wrong with what she was saying, and I was seeing her almost looking like she was just wanting to see what the hell Todd would have been saying to this. He was giving me a faint smile, and I was feeling like I needed to at least try and remember what she was saying, and not let her down as a result of this.
"Yeah, you're really cute." Todd said, and he was feeling strange for saying that, as if wondering what he was going to be doing with his life now that he had just called one of his brothers cute, and he was feeling like he had sort of needed to just find a better way to say something like this, and not be sounding like a total weirdo. But then after he was saying this to me, I was looking at Bebe, wondering what I was going to say now.
"Thanks." I said, and then I was looking at Bebe, and I was seeing that she was probably starting to lose a mild amount of the patience that she was having for the situation, and that even if she did not want to say it to not make me feel sad or angry, she was probably clearly wanting me to head out, so that way she would be able to be with Todd again, and she would be able to hang out with us later on, and not make any issue on this.
"Well, good night." I said, and then I was looking at both Todd and Bebe, and I was seeing that even if neither of them wanted to admit it, that this was probably the best thing that I could have said, and that now they were going to be able to love on each other, and show each other how much they really were wanting to be together, and that I was sort of ruining the moment by getting in the way of it all.
As I was starting to head on out, I was seeing Todd looking at me, and I was seeing him looking a bit unsure of what to say now. "Hey Drake, just don't let anything bother you too much. All of us like you. That should be enough for you to be happier." After Todd was telling me this, I was aware that he was meaning well, but I was unsure of what to tell him, and I was feeling like maybe he was trying a bit too hard to make me feel better about this all. I still nodded though, knowing he meant well.
As I was out of the living room, I was telling myself that they were telling the truth, and that they would not dare lie to me, and that I was just taking this too seriously, and that I was needing to relax a bit longer. As I was telling myself that, and I sort of reminded myself that I did not need to be anybodys favorite to still be happier, I was having a wild mix of emotions, and part of me was feeling unsure of what to be sort of thinking about that idea, and if I agreed or not.
...
-Jan 12 1993 7:47 pm- I was sort of forgetting all about the encounter with Bebe last night, and was remembering that she was just probably trying to spend some time with Todd, and that I was only making things much worse for them, and that I was needing to just be at their side, and that I needed to find a way to sort of remember that what she was saying was probably right. She was most likely telling the truth about me being loved.
I was feeling like I was just needing to find a way to make them both feel like they were right in telling me that things were going to be fine, and that I did not need to worry too much about what they wanted to deal with. I was not needing to worry too much about the fact that they were just trying to be alone, and that I was only making things harder for them by not doing that at all. And that this was just their uncertain reactions in a way.
I had also needed to remember that at least I wasn't like Gabe, who was pretty much ruining the entire family because of his interest in finding some strange answers to something that was probably not even going to be all that big of a deal. But I was also feeling like maybe I needed to just give Gabe a bit more credit, and that maybe he really did not know what he was going to create when he had been doing this.
I was scared out of my fucking mind out of Gabe's antics, and I knew that it was probably not that big of a deal what he was doing, but that did not mean that I had to be really in love with the idea as well. I mean, he was probably going out there, and he could have been doing some drug deals for all that I knew, and that as a result of what he had been doing, he was putting his family in danger, and that it was almost selfish.
I knew that maybe I was being a bit harsh on him, but in a way, there was another part of me that was just not even caring what anybody would have said. I was thinking that if Gabe was going to be going out, and if he was going to be doing all of this stuff, then he was not going to be immune to people telling him about his mistakes, and what he had needed to do to make a difference.
As I was thinking about what Gabe was doing, and in a way, wishing that despite my previous statements, that I could have been in the know how, and being a hero with him. But as that was happening, Jack was showing up with a basket ball, and I was seeing that he was looking decently happy, and nothing like the sad guy that Todd and I discussed that's probably was just recently. Which made me wonder what was happening now.
"I am going to be playing some ball out in the front yard, if you wanted to watch." Jack said, and I was feeling like maybe my mom and dad would not be so worried about the no outside rule too much when I was with my siblings, and when it was in the yard, so I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to take the risk, and as a result, I had nodded, and decided to at least give it a try.
We were heading out of the house, and when we were both outside, I was feeling like I might be able to make some small talk with him, and see what he was wanting to tell me. "Hey Jack, how are you doing?" I asked, and then he was looking at me, and he was clearly looking like he was not wanting to deal with that type of discussion, and that he was sort of wishing that I did not try and force him to do something like that.
"I'm doing alright. I think that I might have made it on the team." Jack was telling me, and then I was sighing in relief, knowing that a large part of my worries on what he was doing was now going to be gone, and I was sort of wondering how things were now, and I was feeling like maybe we could have been able to talk for a while longer. Jack threw the ball through the hoop, and then said "Not that anybody in the family fucking cares."
First time that I heard him swear, and I was unsure of what to feel about it. Then again, I knew that at nine years old, he was probably feeling like he was old enough to swear in small doses, as long as adult figures were not around, and trust me, I was nowhere close to being an adult figure, and he had probably felt like as a result, he would have been able to get away with it a bit more than normal with me.
"Why do you say that?" I said, trying to deflect from my shock of the swear, and then Jack was looking right at me, and he was looking like he was trying to decide if I was being serious or not. Then with that, he decided that he was going to just tell me the real reasons this was happening, and he was feeling like maybe if he was going to enlighten me on this, then I would start to understand the way that he was feeling.
"Because everybody is doing their own thing, and everybody is acting like what they are dealing with is so much better and more important. People clearly do not care about what makes me happy. People show more interest in Seth's shows than they show in my games." After Jack was telling me this, I was seeing him looking at me, as if wondering if I was able to process how messed up that shit was. I was sort of able to get it, even if I did not think that I was able to fully put my mind around it.
"I was talking to Todd. He seems to care." I said, and I was so glad that I had a huge amount of older brothers and a older sister, due to the fact that I was able to pick up on their vocabulary, and was having an extremely advanced vocabulary for somebody of my age, and was able to sort of hold a conversation of my own with my older brothers. Just wanted to clear that up, and that was why even at our ages, we were able to discuss things on par with them.
"Yeah, I guess that maybe he does. But he cares more about that Bebe girl, and he seems to be willing to just brush everything off aside, and deal with that, and not be with me, when I feel like I needed some help on this." After Jack was telling me this, I was looking at him, as if wondering why he was having such a huge issue, and I was just wanting to see if maybe I could be able to get him to feel differently.
"I mean, Bebe is attractive, but why the hell would he be more focused on her than us? I mean, we are his brothers, and Lydia is his sister." Jack said, and I was finding it funny how almost all of us had a issue with adding Lydia at the end, and sort of addressing the brothers as a sort of vague concept before we even bring her up. And that maybe that was another thing that would be able to connect the dialogue of us in a way.
"What counts as attractive?" I asked, genuinely curious what Jack was thinking to the subject. He sighed, as if feeling like there was no way in hell he was going to be able to fully place in into such a simple idea, but then I was seeing him looking like he was willing to at least try, and that maybe if he was successful enough, he would be able to help me get it more.
"Somebody that when you first meet them, they take your breath away. Somebody that just make you stop what you are doing, and make you want to look at them more. They sort of stop everything around you as well." Jack describes to me, and I was feeling like the was sort of going to let this take him away, and see what I was going to say now.
"Did you feel that way with Bebe?" I asked, trying to see if maybe I was going to be able to help Jack sort of find somebody who mattered to him that much. Jack was looking worried about what we were discussing now, as if feeling like people were just not going to be taking him serious on this entire thing. But then he was slowly nodding.
"Maybe I'm just jealous to know that he was able to find somebody who seemed to care for him. Who seemed to always be willing to actually make sure that he was feeling a bit valued here. I mean, I sort of feel like if I had gotten that, I would have felt differently about everything. I would have maybe felt like I was not sort of rejected at my school." After Jack had said that, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to see what I was feeling here.
"You can find somebody you like someday." I said, and I was meaning it, knowing that Jack was a good enough guy to pull something like this off if he had tried hard enough. Eventually, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely wanting to try and make it seem better for himself, but just could not really find a way to get himself to fully believe in what he was even getting himself into now.
"Yeah, hopefully you're right. I mean, if I was able to do something like that, I would feel like maybe I was getting something right here after all. But I guess that what I am saying does not even really matter anymore." After Jack was telling me this, I was seeing him looking a bit unsure of what to tell me, and I was seeing Jack kind of wanting to talk longer, but just could not fucking find a single way to make what he was saying seem like it was making any fucking sense.
"I mean, if somebody were to actually reach out to me, and if somebody actually talked with me, and made me feel a bit more accepted here, then that would have been all that I had really needed. It would have been all that I had really fucking wanted." After Jack was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like there was no way in hell he would have been able to get himself into some form of feeling better, but just was failing to accomplish any of this in virtually any way.
"How do you get people to like you?" I asked, and then Jack was throwing another attempt or two before he was looking at me, and he was clearly looking like he was wishing with all of his heart and soul that he would have had a good answer to that question, and that he would have answered it well.
…
-Jan 13 1994 9:15 pm- I was remembering the conversation that I had with Jack, and I was letting it sort of come to my mind, and I was feeling like maybe I was going to be able to sort of think about what he was wanting to accomplish here, and that maybe if I was able to remember the good things that were going to come out of hearing what Jack was liking to do, and I was feeling like maybe he was going to have a small chance to make his desires work.
I was feeling like if he ended up getting on the team, then maybe he might be able to use this as a chance to get the girl he liked, and that maybe this was seriously the only thing that he had truly needed. I was honestly believing in all of this, and I was hoping that no matter what was going to happen, he would be able to finally woo somebody, and they would appreciate his effort.
I was almost finding the whole idea to be a bit funny, but at the same time, I was feeling like maybe Jack just was sort of looking for somebody that he would have liked, and that maybe he just needed to look harder and longer, and then everything would have made some sense to it all. I was feeling like maybe when Jack would find that perfect girl, and that one person who changed him, I would be happy for him in my own way.
I was wondering why he even cared so much though. I mean, it was just a girl, and I did not want to be sounding like a loser when I was saying this, but I was feeling like maybe I just needed to be realistic on this whole thing, and that I needed to try and find a way to sort of see what the issue to this was. What the whole benefit out of this really could have been. I was feeling like when I would understand, I would be sort of getting it better.
But as I was thinking about that a bit longer, and thinking about how little I was able to understand it, I was telling myself to just sort of take it more seriously, and that if I took it more seriously, then it would have made more sense. But in a way, I was feeling like I could talk with Dylan on what the whole thing seemed to me, and maybe we could be able to share a bit of the uncertainty, and then we would be able to share a bit of a brotherly moment, and then it would be all great and done.
As I was feeling that something like this might have been done, I was wondering what it would have been like to actually get somebody to truly be liking us in our own way. I was wondering if such a thing could have been done. I was feeling like maybe Bebe would have been the only option, as silly as that may sound.
Eventually, I was sort of thinking about other things entirely, and as I was doing this, I was seeing Seth getting ready to do his own thing once again. I had wanted to see what I would be able to do to talk with him, and see if maybe we could be able to connect a bit better, but I was also feeling like regardless of what Seth was up to, he would be able to spend some time talking with me, and then we could be able to see if we could assist each other.
"Hey Drake, what are you doing up so late?" Seth asked me, and I was utterly confused what he was meaning. Considering what he was doing, I did not want to admit it, but I was sort of feeling like he was being a bit hypocritical, and I was feeling like maybe he was needing to sort of see that before he was going to go on and judge me for doing something like this. Then he was sighing, as if bringing me right out of that.
"I was seeing you going to hang out with somebody." I said, not entirely lying, and then I was seeing Seth looking like he was feeling like this was going to be a bit of a hard subject, and that he was wondering what the point of me asking him this all even was. I was just wanting to see if he was doing well, and this was the reaction that I was getting. To say that I was confused would not have even began to cut it.
"Well, yeah, I was going to be doing something important with Manny. Well, important for me anyways. I think you would not be interested in something like this though. So I would not even really bother with it." After Seth was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to get this over with, and that the sooner that I left him alone, the better he was going to be feeling here. I was sort of just worried what was happening now.
"What are you guys going to accomplish?" I asked, and then he was looking at me, and I was clearly seeing that this debate was not the way he was wanting to spend his day, and that if I was going to keep this up, then he might as well just forfeit the entire fucking thing, and not even try and make anything out of it. Then he was sighing, feeling like he might as well talk a bit longer.
"Just looking for some things to keep this town more interesting. We have been getting involved with some stuff, and we sort of feel like we can find out more about it if we look hard enough." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say more, but did not really feel the need to say much on this, if anything at all.
"Can I join along?" I knew that the answer was almost always going to be no, and that he was probably going to be wishing that I did not do this with him right now. But at the same time, I was also clearly seeing him kind of looking like he was not wanting to argue with me, or try and make me feel bad. So with that, he was sighing, and looking right at me.
"I don't think Manny would be interested in bringing you along. He might find you too young and not really able to take care of yourself." After Seth was telling me this, I was looking at him, and I was angry at that statement. I knew that he was probably not meaning much by it, but hearing him say that still hurt in its own way, and I did not even know why I was taking it so badly.
"But you sometimes take Henry along." I said, and I was feeling like using Henry as my talking point was not always going to be the best thing in the world, but I was feeling like I just needed to make my point, and I was feeling like if I was clear on what I was feeling here, and what I was wanting him to understand, then maybe he would take me more serious.
"I can't decide what to do all the time. I mean, he thinks Henry is sort of old enough to handle us on small doses. He thinks Henry has some idea what is going on. I think he would not want to risk a three year old getting in danger as well." After Seth was telling me this, I knew that what he was saying was perfectly valid, but that did not mean that I needed to like it. I was feeling like I was being cheated out on something just because of my later birth.
"What if I promise to behave?" I asked, and then Seth was looking at me, as if making it clear with the way he was looking at me that he was not wanting to talk about this anymore, and that the subject was as close to closed as he was going to be able to get with me. And as I was looking at him, and I was seeing him looking like this, part of me knew that it would be best to leave the subject alone, and that maybe if I did this, I would be able to get him to be more patient with me here.
"I don't think it is going to work. I think it is honestly as simple as that." After Seth was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like there was a minor amount of pity that he was feeling, but that he was not going to be holding down what he was feeling here, and that he had made his point, no matter what I was wanting to say or not wanting to say. I was sighing, sort of giving up on my own.
"Sorry, I just want to go out and do something. I'm bored here." I said, and then I saw Seth almost looking like he did actually have a sincere pity over this situation, as if feeling like maybe if it was really this simple, and if it really was something that could be fixed as easily as I was believing, then I think some of the other siblings would have already tried to make something like this work out, and actually feel a bit natural.
"Trust me, I get it. I was the exact same when I was younger. I was always wanting to do something for myself, and actually be sort of making it all work. But I guess that maybe that is just not going to happen. But I think the thing you need to remember is that soon enough, you will be old enough to do this, and you do not need to worry about this." After Seth was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was willing to sell what was going on in his mind to me, and that he was actually sort of believing in it.
As I was looking at him, I was sort of looking down, and I was feeling like it was really still very unfair. Seth was coming towards me, and then he was placing his hand on my shoulder, as if feeling like maybe he could at least try and make me feel a bit differently when it was coming to this.
"Drake, trust me, it will be going by much faster than you might know. I mean, you might be thinking that this is a bit strange, and I know that maybe you are wishing to go on and have some chance to see the world for what it is. But when you're five, the majority of your life is ahead of you. I'm turning twelve this year. I've already had the majority of my life being able to go out here, and enjoy this." After Seth was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was truly believing in what he was saying to help me.
"Yeah, we're already almost two weeks through the year." I said, and then I was seeing Seth taking a moment to process that, and I was seeing that even he did not really know what he was going to be telling me here, and then I was seeing Seth just looking a bit uncertain on what he was going to do for the rest of the year.
"I know, crazy. I mean, I did not think that I was already going to be nearly half way through January." After Seth had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was feeling like he would use this as a chance to be able to leave, and go on see how this would have worked out. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to give Seth a better chance.
"See you tomorrow." I said, and then I was seeing Seth sighing, and I knew that no matter what was going to happen, he and I were really going to be getting along better, and I was feeling like maybe I was going to need to find a way to make Seth feel like he did not waste his time talking with me, and that he actually got something good here.
"I will just see what Manny wants to do, and I think maybe if this is such a big deal, I will sort of just talk with him a bit, and see how he is feeling." After Seth was telling me this, I was seeing him just kind of wondering what the hell we were going to be doing now. Eventually, Seth was starting to walk off, and he was sort of just leaving me alone for a moment longer. I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to sort of make peace with what was going on now.
As Seth was going to be leaving me alone, and I was feeling like when Seth was going to see me again, I would try my best to sort of push him to tell me some things, but at the rate, something like this was just not even fucking worth it. I was thinking that one of these days, if Seth was going to tell me what Manny and him were doing, I would listen to him, and I would be excited about this, but I was not going to be fucking forcing a damn thing on him, and I was feeling like that was the best that I could have been able to do now.
I was staring at the door once again, and then I was telling myself to just leave the subject alone, and I was feeling like maybe Seth was going to be happy to know that at least I was willing to pretend to be interested in me, even though it was not really pretending, and I was just wanting to sort of see how things were going to go. I was genuinely curious, and I was feeling like maybe Seth wanted to continue, but that he was placing his friends first in a way.
Despite how much I disliked it when my family was doing this, I was sort of able to get over it. I was sort of able to just tell myself that it did not even really matter anymore. But despite what I was feeling, I walked to my room, and I was going to bed, unaware truly how much things were going to be getting messed up in the next few days, and wishing that literally any form of normalcy would have been able to come back.
