A/N: I'm back with another update, and this one is set post 7.18! I can't believe we didn't get to see her say goodbye to Jay on the show. Hopefully we at least see some of his reaction to her being gone in the last episodes of PD.

oh, and how badass was Tracy and Hailey on this FBI episode?! I LOVED it!


A small piece of paper. That's all she was holding in her hands. She was staring at the ticket for her flight to New York that Platt had given her. Trudy hadn't said much when Hailey asked her for details on her trip, merely given her a look that conveyed both sympathy and something like trust. Like she had faith that Hailey could do it; whatever it was. "Be careful out there, Upton." She'd said it when Hailey had just turned to leave. The sentiment in her voice was a rarity for Platt, and it had stayed with Hailey. Considering Platt was the reason that Hailey had even become a cop, made the fact that the older sergeant would care for her mean even more.

With a sigh, Hailey put the ticket away and stuck her keys into the ignition, but she didn't turn it on. She couldn't make herself do it; couldn't bring herself to go home yet. She still hadn't quite processed what Voight had told her, but the conversation had jarred something loose within her.

"Do you get that you crossed a line?"

Yes, she was aware that what she'd done was illegal. But she did it to put a really bad criminal behind bars; to get Luis the deal that he deserved, and... to spare Vanessa some pain. Knowing how much he'd meant to Vanessa, Hailey's heart broke as she heard him tell Vanessa that she'd lost him. If this deal could ease Vanessa's mind a little... then Hailey had to get it for him. She believed that she'd done the right thing.

But that was the scary part.

"The thing about lines is... your cross enough of them, you forget where they are. You don't see them anymore."

Maybe Voight was right. Had she lost sight of right and wrong? She didn't know anymore — and she had always been sure. No matter what, the one thing that she could hold onto were here morals. Following the rules was her safe space, where she'd always known that her actions were justified and right. But now? She'd left that space; crossed the lines; a number of times. And knowing that they were actions that Voight himself could've committed, she'd lost the sense that she was doing something wrong or dangerous along the way. Crossing the lines... didn't seem to be such a big deal any longer.

"I did the same thing you would've done—"

She flinched at the memory of papers, pens and photo frames being shoved off of Voight's desk and crashing to the floor.

"I don't want you to be me! That's my job. I want you to be you! Hailey, I'm not sure you can do it anymore."

She'd sat frozen, then; not because she was scared of him, but because it was what she'd taught herself to do when her father would yell at her and smash things in the house, usually preceding the physical violence that followed if she gave a reaction. If she cried or got angry back at him, that would only make him furious. So she hadn't moved a muscle, even when Voight got up close to her face; she hadn't breathed until he calmed down and stepped away from her.

But now, sitting alone in her car, she had time to process his words. This, who she was now... this was her, wasn't it? Because when someone she loved was in trouble, and she had the power to change it or fix it... she couldn't just stand by anymore. She was tired of feeling like things were out of her control. She hadn't been able to stop Jay from getting shot; from almost losing him, the person she cared about the most in her life. Nor had she been able protect Cameron — her CI — from Darius, just as she hadn't been able to stop her father from hurting her family when she was a child. Eight years old, and she had promised never to be so powerless again. Thirteen years old, when her family's restaurant was robbed, and she'd promised herself that she would be the one to go after the bad guys and put them behind bars. These were promises to herself that she'd wanted to uphold; they were the reason she became a cop in the first place. This was her, and it had always been her... right? Or was the real her the one who put criminals away but doing it by the book? The Hailey Upton who, after all the violence she'd seen, craved to be on the side of the law; who feared being in the wrong more than anything.

Hailey hit her hands against the wheel in frustration. Her mind was going in circles; she wasn't really getting anywhere. How could she ever know if what she perceived to be right was actually right? She had always been so sure, so justified in her purpose, but nobody had ever told her that she was off before. Never had she been led to believe that she was losing her ways— losing herself.

And that wasn't a problem that she could solve on her own.

Hailey turned the ignition and started driving, but not to her home. To somewhere else, a place almost as familiar.

xXxXx

Jay looked surprised when he opened the door; Hailey didn't know if it was the look upon her face or her puffy eyes from blinking back tears, but he seemed to know immediately that something was up. "Hailey. Everything alright?"

Hailey bit her lip. She didn't know where to begin. She wasn't even completely sure why she had come — surely not to unload all of her baggage on Jay?

No, she realized. She'd come to say goodbye. In New York, with the FBI, that was where she was going to figure all of her baggage out.

"Jay, I... I think I messed up," she whispered. She could feel her lip tremble with held back emotion as she watched his response. Never had she felt so vulnerable before.

Jay was frowning. He wasn't used to those words coming from Hailey; from his partner, confident and unapologetic in her ways.

His expression softened, then, as he took a step back, allowing her to enter his apartment.

Hailey followed him inside, rubbing her hands nervously up and down her arms. She didn't look at him.

"Hailey, what's wrong?"

Finally, she looked up at him. There was a concerned expression on his face, and she realized that saying nothing was probably scaring him more than the truth would.

"I'm leaving," she said carefully. "I'm going to New York."

Jay didn't give much of a reaction, guarding his expression carefully, as he was so good at. Something changed in his eyes, however, as though her words opened up an old wound within him. "Why?" he asked slowly.

Hailey sighed, leaning back against the wall. "Voight is lending me to the FBI task force. Apparently they're one officer short."

"What?" Jay said darkly, crossing his arms. "Is he crazy? He can't do that, we need you here—"

"Jay," she interrupted with a shake of her head, trying to convey what she didn't say in the look that she gave him. "It's my fault."

Jay narrowed his eyes as he seemed the grasp the meaning of her words. "What... what happened?"

Hailey shook her head slightly and pressed her palms to her forehead. "I crossed the line, Jay," she said in a whisper. "I think I went to far and now... now I don't know if I can go back." She swallowed against the lump in her throat as a wave of emotion struck her. Her words scared her. What if she'd lost herself? Or worse— what if she'd lost her place in the unit?

Jay's hand landed on her arm, this thumb rubbing against her skin. He was looking at her with warmth in her eyes, surely meant to be reassuring, but it only made Hailey feel worse. He wouldn't be looking at her the same way after she told him what she did.

"Sit down, Hails," he said softly. "I'll pour us drinks."

She just nodded and took a seat on his couch. Jay returned momentarily with two glasses of tequila, one of which he handed to her.

"Thanks," she mumbled, bringing the glass to her mouth. The alcohol burned familiarly on the way down, and she welcomed the sensation.

"Hailey..." Jay began, looking down at his glass as he seemed to choose his words. "You know you can tell me anything, right?" His eyes met hers then, and there was so much that was unsaid between them that seemed to hang in the air as the moment passed.

"Yeah, I know," she said, giving him a small smile. "But there's a lot to tell you and... I don't think you're going to like hearing it. But you're my partner and like you said; no matter what, good or bad, right or wrong... you need to know." She took a deep breath and let her fingers run along the brim of the glass as she spoke. "You remember those gangbangers, the Southside Hustlers, on that night you followed me?"

Jay nodded, and something shifted in his expression, his eyes widening slightly as though he already knew where she was going with this.

"I told them," she continued slowly, "that the person who got their guys killed at the foraging plant... was working with us. And I think we both know what happened next."

He pressed his lips together and nodded. "Later that night Darius turned up dead."

Hailey nodded, looking down at her hands. "I'm not sure... I don't think that I wanted him dead, exactly, I just— I didn't want him to walk. I wanted him to lose something too, whether that was his status or his position as leader in the gang. I wanted him to lose his power on the streets." She glanced up at Jay, who was still watching her. His expression was not one of disgust or hate, which she should never have expected from him; Jay was too good to pass judgement. Instead, his expression was more so one of being deep in thought, as though he was still trying to figure something out. As he didn't say anything, Hailey took a deep breath and continued; "Voight figured it out. He warned me that doing something like that... it would eat me alive." Her voice shook slightly, the words reminding her of the guilt that she wouldn't let herself feel. "That he could do it because he turned something off inside of him, and that... he's afraid that it will happen to me too."

Jay was silent for a while, but there was a hint of worry in his eyes as he looked at her. "But... that was a while ago. Why is he doing this to you now?"

Hailey gave him a sad smile, because she knew that he was already thinking it. "Because I did it again. Nobody ended up dead this time, but I crossed another line." She took another deep breath to prepare herself emotionally; she hadn't expected it to be this hard to talk about. "I got Luis to tell me where he'd installed the trap in Cael's car, and I planted evidence in it. That's how he got arrested. He was violent and he was a criminal, and he deserves what he got," Hailey said fervently. "And Luis... I had to get him that deal. Vanessa, she was just... absolutely broken, and I had to do something, Jay, I just couldn't see her like that—" Her voice broke and she looked away, blinking back tears that were building in her eyes at the memory. She blew out a breath to try and steady herself. Jay was still quiet, but she was surprised when his hand started moving reassuringly across her back.

"I'm sorry, Hailey," he said in a low voice. "I wish you'd come to me earlier— I wish I could've been there for you. That's... a lot to carry on your own." Jay reached out, and Hailey felt the muscles in her body tense up as she realized that he was going to touch her. He placed his hand to the side of her head, his thumb skimming over the skin below her eye, wiping away a tear she hadn't realized had escaped. "And... I get it," he continued. "I mean, I don't agree with what you did, because it could get you into really bad trouble, and I... I don't want something to happen to you." He swallowed audibly. "But I understand why you did it. You're not the only one who's crossed lines to protect someone you care about." His eyes bore an intensity that made it hard for Hailey to look away. "I'm not gonna lie and say that this... change in you doesn't concern me. It does, Hailey, because I remember that when you first joined Intelligence, you were such a stickler for rules." Jay gave a small smile, his eyes twinkling with amusement at the memory. "You were shooting straight and unapologetic about it, and that was like a breath of fresh air in this unit, considering what Voight is and always has been capable of. And I don't want that to change you." His expression grew serious. "I don't want him, to change you. Because that's not a good life, Hailey, I know you can see that. He regrets it in his own life and that's why he's doing this to you. He doesn't want you to become like him."

Hailey nodded a little, her eyes averted as she hung her head. "I didn't realize how different I'd become; how much I've let everything that's happened to me change me." She pursed her lips. "Maybe Voight was right, maybe this is for the better."

Jay tilted his head a little sternly. "Hailey. It's never better without you." He shook his head as if to emphasize his words. "But I do think that you need to start looking out for yourself too. You're the one that's usually telling others this, but it's you who could go to jail this time, Hailey. It's time you stop putting yourself at risk to cover for others."

Hailey sighed. The words sounded so simple, so obviously true, coming out of his mouth. This was why she had come; he kept her right, grounded her. Right now, she was adrift on stormy waters, and he was her anchor.

"Thanks, Jay," she mumbled, placing her hand on his knee as she glanced up at him. "Just... while I'm gone, will you do me one favor?"

Jay nodded. "Anything."

"Please..." Hailey bit back a smile. "Try not to get shot again, okay?"

"Uh huh," Jay chuckled, "so it's like that now, huh?"

Hailey grinned and held up her hands. "Hey, it's happened twice now, so you can't really blame a girl for asking."

"Fair enough." He smiled at her. "Don't worry. I'll be right here when you get back."

Hailey's stomach fluttered with something warm and bubbly at his words.

"And that goes for you too," Jay added on a more serious note. "Stay safe out there, okay? And... I might not be able to have your back in the field, but I'm just on the other end of the line, so, we can still do our thing."

Hailey smiled. "I'll take you up on that."

Jay bit his lip. "Just for a couple weeks though, right?"

She nodded. "If all goes to plan, and Voight is happy with me at the end of it, I guess."

"He will be," Jay said firmly. He was silent for a moment, biting his lip as the certainty in his eyes faltered, replaced by a vulnerability. "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow morning," Hailey replied quietly.

Jay pressed his lips together. "Alright," he said with a sigh. "You tell Vanessa yet?"

She shook her head. "No... I'm not sure how she's gonna take it, and I don't want her to feel like it's her fault." Hailey sighed. "Could you keep an eye on her while I'm gone? I mean, outside of work, too?"

He gave her a sympathetic look, and nodded. "Of course, Hailey. I will." Jay tilted his head. "She's really come to mean a lot to you, huh?"

"Yeah." Hailey smiled. "She's... kind of like the little sister I never had." She finished the last sip of whiskey in her glass and rose from the couch. "Speaking of, I should probably get home and have that conversation."

"Yeah, sounds like you'll need a good night's sleep too," Jay said and stood too, escorting her into the hallway.

"Don't remind me," Hailey groaned as she threaded her arms into her jacket sleeves. "Being new on a job sucks."

Jay chuckled. "Don't worry. I'm sure you'll own it."

Hailey nodded, the smile falling from her lips as she hesitated for a moment. "Are we okay?" Her eyes flickered uncertainly between his, searching for any doubts that he had regarding what he'd just learned about her.

Jay placed a hand on her shoulder. "We're okay. Always. You know that."

A warmth spread within her, drowning out any fear and anxiety that her recent conversation with Voight had stirred up within her. She was filled with gratitude towards him; her partner, her best friend. In that moment, it was the hardest Hailey had ever had to fight to not say those three little words. That she loved him. It was all that she could think about as she stood in front of him, no longer scared of herself or worried about what he would think of her, as she had been when she'd stood right there earlier that night. But now was not the time to blurt it out, right before leaving, so instead, she settled for, "Thank you, Jay." She touched her hand to his, where it was still resting on her shoulder. "For everything."