Hi y'all! I've been working on this chapter for a while now, editing it and rewriting it to get it to be the way that I wanted. I will say that this chapter took a mind of its own when I first wrote it and did not go where I thought it would go. Either way, I hope you enjoy and leave a review with your thoughts, comments, etc!

Also, as a side note, I'm sorry that some of you don't like the turn this story has taken, but it is what it is and I don't feel that I keep changing the directions as the premise of the story has basically stayed the same between present and past time, where Rose is now and where she was. I wrote what I felt and if you don't like it, then don't read it. Additionally, miscarriage is a very common thing and it's not something that I wrote with maliciousness or anything like that. Rose didn't treat Dimitri or Viktoria the best last chapter, but part of it is her upbringing, lashing out when she's hurt, but also I wouldn't want my ex's sister pestering me about reconciliation a week after I got out of the hospital or pestering when it was made clear that Rose did not want to talk to Viktoria at that moment at the end of the last chapter. No/go away/I don't want to talk still means no and should still be honored, regardless if it's perceived as rude, at least in my opinion.


I was the first one awake in the morning. The entire apartment was silent as I made my way to the kitchen. The dinging of the elevator opening sounded too loud in the silent room and I cringed. The dining room table was laid out and set, almost as if my parents were expecting a dinner party, but I also knew that the table always looked that way and was rarely used.

I made my way into the kitchen and turned on the radio, which immediately synced to my phone through Bluetooth. I was the only one who ever used the Bluetooth connection as my parents preferred listening to the regular radio and our housekeeper didn't listen to music while she was here.

Spotify immediately opened up a new playlist recommendation when I opened the app, and I scrolled through the songs before hitting the shuffle button. The playlist was one of the daily mixes that Spotify's algorithm created, and I noticed that it mostly consisted of the new Taylor Swift and Halsey albums with other artists' songs scattered through on my brief scroll through.

"I blew things out of proportion" blared through the speakers and I winced and immediately turned the volume down. I inched the volume back up as the song continued through the chorus

"I don't wanna lose this with you
I need to say, hey
It's all me, just don't go
Meet me in the afterglow
"

I hit the skip button and a Sigrid song came on. I turned to the fridge to start making breakfast as the song continued. I grabbed the eggs and the loaf of bread out of the fridge.

"Just one look and I'm out of touch
I'm freaking out 'cause I'm scared this might end bad
But I still come back for that
Sucker punch"

I sighed and thought about Dimitri. It was definitely just one look that got me hooked and head over heels with him the first time and that didn't seem like it was changing any time soon. The song finished and changed to one that was a slower rhythm. I picked up my phone and saw that it was one of the songs off of Halsey's album and I listened as the words of the song faded into an interlude before the tune picked up again.

"Build love, build God, build provinces
Build calluses, break promises
'Cause I could never hold a perfect thing
And not demolish it
What am I thinking? What does this mean?
How could somebody ever love me?"

The song faded and I stood there, gripping the counter, the eggs forgotten. There was bread in the toaster, waiting to be pushed down to toast, but I couldn't bring myself to push the lever down.

"Rose?"

I flinched as Dimitri spoke. I pushed away from the counter and pushed down my toast before pasting a fake smile on when I turned around as a Lorde song switched on.

"Please could you be tender and I will sit close to you
Let's give it a minute before we admit that we're through"

"Good morning. Sleep well?" I asked, trying to ignore the lyrics.

"Yeah, not bad. You?" Dimitri said, showing no sign that he was paying attention to the music coming from the speaker.

I shrugged, turning back towards the stove, where my egg pan was hot. "Wasn't the best that I've had. I'm still nervous about seeing my parents."

"'Cause I remember the rush, when forever was us
Before all of the winds of regret and mistrust
Now we sit in your car and our love is a ghost"

Dimitri reached over and grabbed my phone to switch the song. I sighed.

The song changed to another Halsey one with a soft, melodic sound. It was on that I hadn't listened to before and I let it play as Dimitri took over making the eggs.

As the song continued through the chorus, singing about how Halsey just wanted something she couldn't have, even more, I realized that the song was about losing pregnancies and not being able to have a child. I turned away from Dimitri to grab a juice bottle out of the fridge and tried to tune out the song. I didn't realize that I was frozen in place until Dimitri touched my shoulder lightly.

"What's wrong?"

I brushed him off and I shut the fridge as the song finally ended. "Nothing. I'm fine."

Another song switched one, slow and melodic like the previous. I picked up my phone to see that it was another Sigrid song, but one that I was unfamiliar with. I leaned against the island counter as he cooked and pushed the toast back down when it popped up.

"I don't belong in your universe
For better or for worse"

Dimitri stiffened slightly but didn't make any other outward sign that he was listening to the song's lyrics. He flipped the eggs in the pan before sliding them out on to a waiting plate.

"You're as safe as a mountain
But know that I am dynamite"

The elevator dinging was a welcome distraction and I quickly switched the music off, grateful to have a moment away from the music and the connections that every song had.

I heard Adrian talking to someone as they made their way from the elevator and down the hall to the kitchen and I grabbed a fork out of the silverware drawer before sitting down at the island with my plate.

"Pretty sure she's in the kitchen," Adrian said as they came closer. "I heard music a few moments ago and she's the only one who plays music while cooking."

My dad didn't have time to respond before they turned the corner. He froze when he saw Dimitri and my mom almost ran into him from where she was walking behind the duo.

"Dad, hi," I said, standing up and distracting him.

"Rosemarie," he said, crossing the kitchen to me. "It's good to see you. It's been a while."

I wanted to roll my eyes. I traveled with my parents to Rome for Christmas in December and came back to New York City for my birthday in March, but they had left the country and wished me a happy birthday a day late from Turkey.

My mom came up next to him to hug me. They were both ignoring the elephant in the room for the moment. My dad walked around the kitchen to the Keurig machine to make himself and my mom a cup of coffee.

"Are you excited about graduation?"

I shrugged. "Graduating from one school just to go to another isn't that exciting."

My dad frowned but didn't say anything as he carried two mugs over to the island. He handed on to my mom and placed a steaming one in front of me, before turning back to get his own freshly brewed cup. I took a sip, expecting coffee and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was mint hot chocolate.

The silence in the room was almost stifling, and Adrian leaned against the counter next to me. I was nearly finished with my breakfast when my parents finally stopped exchanging looks with each other.

My father turned to Dimitri; his voice cold as he spoke. "Belikov. What are you doing here?"

I groaned silently and bit into my toast to stop from complaining, knowing that it wouldn't do any good.

"Lissa was unable to accompany Rose here so I offered to come with her to make sure that she arrived safely," Dimitri said.

My father arched an eyebrow. "She'd rather come here with you than come alone?"

"Dad! Stop," I said, standing.

"Why should I?" he said, fixing me with a steely stare. "He hurt you, Rosemarie. Do you think that I'm just going to forget about that?"

"I'm not asking you to forget about it," I said. "Just cut him some slack. Please. He's helped a lot over the past couple of days."

My dad looked grumpy, but he agreed and took a sip of his coffee.

"So, what was so important that I needed to come here instead of just talking over the phone?"

"We just wanted to make sure that you were okay," my mom said, shooting a glance at Dimitri. "You've gone through a lot lately and then you show up with Belikov, which makes us think that you're not okay as you claim."

"I'm going to say this one more time: cut Dimitri some slack. He's helped a lot over the past few days and I'd be in worse shape without him here."

"He knows then."

It wasn't a question, but I answered it anyway. "Yes, he knows. He's the one who found me. But the real question is how do you know? Was it the hospital or the police that called you?"

My parents shared a confused look.

"Found you?" my dad said, while my mom also spoke at the same time.

"What are you talking about? Why would either of those call us?"

"Why are you playing dumb?" I demanded. "You called me and asked if I was doing okay and there's only one reason why you would do that, and I want to know who told you. Cause if it was my choice, I wouldn't have ever told you."

"Rose—" Adrian tried to intervene, but my dad spoke over him.

"Adrian told us," he said. "As soon as we heard, we had to make sure you were okay, so we asked you to come here so you could leave the situation. And you weren't going to tell us? Don't tell me you're dating Belikov again."

I flushed. "No, we're not dating! Not that that has anything to do with any of this." I turned on Adrian next. "You did what?"

"It's not what you think," Adrian said, holding his hands up in a surrender motion. "I think you both need to clarify what you're talking about because you're talking about two different things." He turned to face Dimitri. "You should leave. This doesn't concern you."

"Firstly, I'm not going anywhere until I know that Rose is okay," Dimitri said, crossing his arms. "And secondly, with the way that Abe keeps shooting me murderous looks, I'd say that this most certainly concerns me."

"She's not going to be okay until you're gone, Belikov," my father said, anger creeping back into his voice. "You're the cause of all of her problems! None of this would have happened if you had never entered her life."

Dimitri took a step back, stunned. "Excuse me? The months that I had with Rose were some of the best months of my life and I wish that I could change what happened, but I can't! And my relationship with Rose has no effect on what happened."

Adrian shot me a pleading look before muttering, "Two different topics."

"Damn right you can't change what happened!" my dad said. "Rose says you know what happened and all you can say is that you wish you could change what happened? And that your relationship has no effect on what happened? Not only does that not do anything to help, but it also implies that she was sleeping around on you and I don't take accusations against my daughter lightly. You abandoned her when she needed you the most!"

Too late I realized where this was going, and I knew that there was no stopping it this time. I'd have to come clean to my parents about the rape and to Dimitri about the miscarriage. And I wanted to do neither.

Dimitri gave me a look, conflicting emotions warring in his eyes. "I think Adrian is right and we are talking about two different things. Rose, what is your dad talking about? When did I abandon you when you needed me the most? Sleeping around on me?"

As soon as Dimitri said the words, something clicked behind his eyes and I knew that he knew or at least had a guess or two. As soon as he saw me studying him, he put up his mask, the emotion fading from his eyes and face.

"He doesn't know?" my mom said, looking pale.

"I think we all need to sit down and take a few deep breaths," I said. "It's time all of you know the truth."

I led the way out of the kitchen and took the stairs down to the living room instead of waiting for the elevator. My parents sat at one end of the sectional, while Dimitri sat at the other. I sat on the bench across from the sectional and Adrian sat next to me. He took my hand and squeezed, and I sighed.

"Mom, Dad, you'll be easier, so let's start there," I said, avoiding looking at Dimitri.

Even though I didn't want to talk about the rape, I wanted to see Dimitri's disappointed and hurt looks even less.

"Rose, why did you think that we called you here? What about the hospital and the police?"

I took a deep breath. "Promise me that you won't freak out."

My dad's eyes narrowed. "Rose. Tell us. Now."

"Friday night, I was walking back from work. Lissa was at a sorority party on campus," I said, taking a deep breath. Then I quickly said, "A man grabbed me and pulled me into an alley and raped me."

My parents were silent but shared a look with each other.

"Did you just say that a man raped you on Friday?" my dad said slowly.

I nodded.

Something clicked in his head because he turned to Dimitri. "Rose said you found her earlier. Is this what she meant?"

"Yes. I was walking around downtown and passed the alley. Rose was unconscious and while it was clear that she was attacked, I wasn't sure of the nature until I took her to hospital, and she talked to them about it. They performed a rape kit on her too and she did file a police report," he said. He didn't look at me, keeping his eyes locked on my dad.

"Then I own you an apology for being so hostile this morning. And a thank you. So much worse could have happened to her," my dad said. He turned back to me. "Now please tell me that they caught that motherfucker."

I nodded again. "By chance. They hadn't had time to run his DNA to see if there was a match, but Dimitri and I ran into him at the gym yesterday. He probably stalked me there, to be honest. He waited until Dimitri left to get our water before approaching me again. I twisted my ankle falling off the treadmill, but he didn't get the chance to get to me again. Dimitri beat him up a little and held him until the police got there. Last I knew, he was still in custody."

Dimitri scoffed. "I didn't beat him up. He's lucky I only hit him once."

My dad looked constipated for a moment. "Thank you for being there for her, Belikov," he forced out. "I don't want to imagine what would have happened if you weren't there."

Dimitri nodded. "Despite everything, Rose trusts me. That's the only reason that she felt safe with me there."

My dad turned back to me. "Obviously we will be pressing full charges and our entire legal team will be at your disposal to take this fucker down. There will be no expense spared, Rosemarie. He will be going to jail for a very long time. I guarantee that."

He stood up and walked over to me and pulled me up to wrap me in his arms. "I'm so sorry that we couldn't be there for you, but I wish we could have been."

"I didn't want you to see me like that. I still don't. I was a mess, jumping at every sound. I kind of still am, which isn't surprising since it only happened a few days ago. Surprisingly I feel a little safer here, even though it's so much bigger in New York City, but I'm still jumping at everything. Just not as bad as I was over the weekend," I whispered.

He squeezed me tight one more time before releasing me. He stayed close enough to whisper. "Maybe I wouldn't be as opposed if you got back together with Belikov," he said. "I see the way that he's looking at you when you're not looking at him."

"He's going to hate me once I tell him though, so I don't think it much matters," I whispered back before stepping back.

I turned to Dimitri. "You should come with me," I said. "There's something I need to show you."

He stood and stayed in the living room while I ran back upstairs to the terrace off the kitchen. Sage plants were in full bloom and I grabbed a couple of stems, using the scissors out there to cut them correctly. I took the stairs two at a time going back downstairs and motioned to Dimitri.

"C'mon. We're not staying here."

The elevator ride down was silent, and I was thankful that the elevator was quick. When we stepped outside the building, I turned to him. "Do you want to walk or drive?"

"How far are we going?"

"Haven Cemetery. It's a few miles north, near the water. Close to Thomas Jefferson Park," I said, looking at the ground.

"Let's walk. It's nice out," he said. "And it gives you time to explain everything," he added, lifting my chin to give me a look.

"I'll try," I said weakly.

We started walking and Dimitri laced his fingers through mine. I was suddenly reminded of our first date when he did that as we were walking the trails at Buttermilk Falls.

"I know you're going to be mad," I started. "But I just ask that you let me finish the entire story first. And then if you want to get back to Ithaca immediately, that can be arranged."

Dimitri squeezed my hand. "I promise that I'll let you tell the entire story."

"I didn't know until it was too late," I said, my eyes already watering. "The first couple of weeks after graduation, I was a mess. Lissa was concerned and rightfully so. She found me on the rooftop two weeks after we split—"

Dimitri yanked me to a stop. "Rose—"

"Not what you think. I wasn't trying to jump or anything like that," I reassured him. "I just liked being on the roof because it was calming and always so quiet up there. Lissa didn't like that I spent so much time up there and she knew that I was probably going to have a breakdown. She was probably right. When she tried to get me back inside, I backed up against the wall of the roof and Lissa reached for me and knocked my phone out of my hand. It shattered and became useless.

"That didn't much matter because she took me to New York City as a "getaway" to see Adrian and we spent a day goofing around, gorging ourselves on Dylan's Candy Shop, watching movies, the works. And then she and Adrian, along with my parents, tricked me into going into an inpatient program at Grace Hill. Well, I guess tricked is the wrong word. Lissa got me to NYC and Adrian distracted me while my parents took care of the paperwork and the NDAs to keep everything out of the press."

"And away from me," Dimitri said softly. "I tried to keep an eye on you through news afterward, but there were rarely new articles about you. I wasn't able to learn much."

"I doubt blocking you from information by having the nurses and doctors sign NDAs was at the forefront of their minds, but I wouldn't doubt that it was minor, maybe a subconscious, factor. Regardless, I was an inpatient program for a week. I had therapy sessions and group activities and all that fun stuff," I said, with a hint of sarcasm. "Towards the end of that week, I had really bad cramps. At least I thought they were really bad cramps. You know how my period was always irregular, so I truly couldn't tell the difference, at least at first. But they got stronger and the nurses on the psych side transported me to the ER. My last name got me to skip the line and into a room before any of the other patients that were there could realize that Rosemarie Hathaway Mazur was there. I was in the hospital for four more days after that, split between meeting with my doctor and being psychoanalyzed in the psych department."

I took a deep breath and Dimitri squeezed my hand even tighter, just willing me to spit it out. He knew without a doubt where this going now.

"I didn't know until it was too late and there wasn't anything that I could have done," I said softly. "The cramps turned out to be contractions because my body was trying to force out dead tissue matter. The doctor did an ultrasound, but she couldn't detect a heartbeat. She later told me that it was probably a chromosome abnormality that caused it, since that's a common cause of miscarriage, and since I was basically a model patient, they couldn't determine another reason. I didn't drink, didn't smoke, and my health was mostly good. I may have eaten more junk food than strictly necessary, but that didn't cause anything."

I pulled away from Dimitri to open the side gate to the cemetery. I led him back a couple of rows, to a small plot towards the left side. The spaces next to it were empty, reserved for when my parents die and for when I eventually die. I took the dead stems out of the vase attached to the headstone and placed the new sage flowers there.

"I named them Sage because it was too early to know the sex and I liked the name as a unisex name. It means "wise" and even though I didn't get to meet them, I know they would have been. My therapist said that naming the baby after a loss can help with closure and help with grieving, which it did, in its own way. Naming them made it real, but I couldn't run from it. And I know I would have regretted it if I had just up and left and never let myself think about it again. I visited here every day for the entire summer afterward and I always come and visit whenever I'm in the city. And I bring sage flowers because they've always felt fitting. My parents always make sure some are growing on one of the terraces if the conditions are right. And if the conditions aren't right and they know that I'm coming into town, they make sure to get some from a florist for me."

I sat down in front of the headstone, taking it in for the first time in a couple of months. It read:

SAGE

Go in Peace, Beloved

June 21, 2016

There was no last name on the headstone, a mixed result of not wanting to draw too much attention to it and also because I couldn't decide what last name to give. It was hard enough to pick a name without having to consider the ramifications of a last name. Not that it particularly mattered since Sage wouldn't have had a birth certificate where information like that was required.

Dimitri finally sat down beside me. There was pain in his eyes when he finally. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I told him the same thing that I told Sterling. "You were out, Dimitri. My life was a mess. You had a future planned out and I couldn't drag you away from that. I know you," I said softly. "I know that if I would have told you, you would have dropped out of the medical program and come back to Ithaca to be with me, to make sure that I was okay. And if it hadn't ended up like that, I would have told you immediately. Because if Sage was alive, you'd deserve to get to know them and to be there for them regardless of what happened between us or what the future holds."

He shook his head. "You're right, of course, but I still wish you would have told me. I could have been there for you during the summer when you were struggling with this and grieving the loss. We were both here in the city."

"I just couldn't drag you back in, Dimitri. I'm sorry that you're finding out this way and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you but my grief and my need for comfort were overshadowed for your need for freedom and my unwillingness to burden you down. I'm sure the last thing that you expected when you dated a freshman was all of the complications and baggage that I had."

"Roza, I love you. Your baggage and complications didn't affect the way that I love you or how I love you. You were my focus, always and forever," he murmured. "But I can't help but think that if I had known about the miscarriage and the fact that you were in NYC for the entire summer, we could have worked things out."

"No, I don't think we could have. We both needed time apart, time to grow and mature, especially me," I said. "Viktoria never told you, but she saw me shortly after I got out of the hospital. She didn't know that, but I don't think she would have gone easy on me even if she had. She said some things, and after many realizations, I knew she was right. I push people away because I don't want them to leave me. I want to be in control of getting attached and so I'd cause problems where there aren't any. She might have also said something about wishing that I'd never entered your lives and honestly that's what kept me from telling you on the days that I was so close to knocking on every door in the medical department until I found you. I had already caused enough damage.

"I had found my first love at the age of eighteen and I gave you everything and while I don't regret a single moment of it, I can recognize now how much I needed to grow and mature. I wasn't ready for intense love then. I was touch-starved, barely getting the necessary love from my parents and so when I experienced true romantic love for the first time, I got in over my head," I said. "And I truly mean that I don't regret anything. I loved you with everything that I had and yes, we made mistakes, but we made them together. And for what it's worth, I think you would have been a great father."

"You would have been a great mother," he said. "I just know it."

"I didn't have the best example growing up, but I think despite that, I'd manage," I said.

"We both would've considering my example of a father was a terrible man," Dimitri said, a slightly nostalgic smile on his face as if he was actually picturing us being parents to a faceless child.

"I have a picture of the ultrasound, an extra copy really, if you want it," I said softly. "At the time, I don't know why I took two copies when I really only needed one, but I'm glad I did."

"I'd love that," he said.

I leaned forward and kissed his cheek before standing. "I'll let you have some alone time with Sage. They're probably annoyed with how much I talk every time I come here," I said with a small laugh. "They'd probably appreciate hearing a new voice. Your voice."

He didn't answer, but he smiled up at me, his eyes wet. I left him alone at the headstone and wandered around the cemetery. It had been a couple of months since I had been able to visit and the plots had grown since then, more headstones popping up in a previously unoccupied section. I walked towards the water, seeing ribbons tied along the fence that protected the cemetery from FDR Drive. Most of them were hair ties that parents tied to the fence while visiting their deceased children and it was always somber to see the number of ribbons grow but it was a nice memorial.

"Thank you," Dimitri murmured from behind me, causing me to jump. "Sorry."

"Did you have a good talk?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I did. I didn't realize that I had so much to say, especially with only finding out recently." He stared at the fence, taking in the ribbons the same way I did when I saw them for the first time. "I feel like I should be mad. But I'm not. I understand why you did what you did. I'm glad that I know now, though."

"I'm really sorry, Dimitri," I said. "I was so confident when I first made the decision and then I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to be mad and I figured that you were better off not knowing once some time had passed. And when you showed back up now, it was a mix between still not wanting to burden you, after seeing how well you were doing, and not wanting you to be mad and the underlying thought that there nothing to share when there was nothing that could be changed."

"I can't say that I completely understand because I didn't go through what you did and I didn't have to make these decisions," Dimitri started, "but I forgive you, Rose."

We walked back to the building in silence. We paused outside the building and I turned to look at him.

"Do you want to go back to Ithaca? I can get my dad to arrange the plane for you."

"I want to stay here as long as you'll have me, Roza," he said, taking my hands. "But I do need to get back to Viktoria. I promised the week to her and I want to uphold that."

My heart skipped a beat. "Of course. I'll have my dad prepare everything. Before you go though, earlier, you said love present tense. Not past."

He nodded. "It is present tense. I've never stopped loving you. And I don't think that I ever will. But I won't steal you away from someone else. I don't know Adrian very well, but if you're happy with him, then I'd rather you stay because you deserve to be happy."

"I'm happier with you," I whispered. "Adrian and I are complicated. I told you that it was more of a deal than a relationship in the truest sense and a stipulation of that deal was that we'd call it off if we met someone else, to chase real love. I want this but I don't want to make the same mistakes."

"I promise that I'd do right by you, Rose," he murmured. "Take some time to think about it. Text or call me if you need anything and I'll see you at your graduation. I'll wait for your answer there."


When I say that this chapter didn't go where I thought it would, I would like to specify that when I first thought about this chapter in my head and vaguely planned it, I was seeing Dimitri getting angry after Rose takes him to cemetery and walking away, which is pretty much the opposite of what happened.

Also, I am working on updates for Queen of Hearts and Life Unlike Before but have hit some writer's block (particularly for Queen of Hearts), but I will try to get updates posted soon!