-Calvin's POV Jan 13 1994 10:35 pm- Despite the fact that I was not even three yet, and barely able to fully have any form of cohesion on a single thing in the entire world, I was still somebody who was able to notice how much there was a small shift in the way things were done at the house after Ridge was brought home. I will admit that for the first two weeks or so, I was pissed at the fact that he was brought home, as I would no longer be the one who got all the attention from my parents and older siblings.
On the other hand, I was able to be happy for the fact that in the eyes of my siblings, as the years would pass on, there would probably be seen to be a larger form of validity to the things I said, or the things that I had felt, and that they would actually be willing to at least partially take me seriously. I was feeling like that might have been enough to make it worth it all.
Because as much as it was nice to be the center of attention, and I would never dream of turning down the offer, I will have to admit that having a different set of social interactions would be worth it at a point, and that maybe I would rather have that than just being treated like a little baby all the damn time, and having not a single person take me seriously in the slightest.
So in a way, I was feeling like I just needed to take it with a grain of salt, and that I was just needing to sort of go with what was being given to me now. Although when in the grand scheme of things, knowing that there was only one left after me, I was feeling better knowing that perhaps my family would have taken me a bit more seriously than they had been before, if such a thing could have even been done now.
I was seeing that maybe I just needed to accept the fact that maybe my siblings and parents were never going to be fully over the fact that I was still a baby in the grand scheme of things compared to them, but at the same time, I was feeling like with each passing year, and the more seriously they would take me, the less that would be a issue, and I was already sort of just looking forward to when there would be a idea of them no longer treating me as a side joke.
I was wondering what I was going to do though to actually make the change a bit more obvious. In a way, I was feeling like there was no need to be so worried about it all, and I was feeling a little bit different on it all. I was just thinking that if I was going to see Ridge more often, and if he and I were going to be living together until he was sixteen at the least, then maybe I needed to try and get to know him a bit better.
But despite what I was wanting to feel, and what I was feeling like I could barely be able to form into words, there was something that I was wanting to sort of admit did make me feel a bit better. The fact that I was aware of the fact that maybe the others around me, the older siblings, really did enjoy having me around, and that when the day comes that this can no longer be accomplished, they might be feeling a bit bad for me.
I mean, I heard the stories on what Todd was going to have to start doing soon. He was talking about leaving the house, and he was talking about sort of actually being gone forever. Despite not wanting to admit it, I was scared for him, and I was wanting him to be happy here, and I was wanting to be able to just come to him when I was older, and needed advice, and actually feel like he and I could connect. But that was just sort of not going to happen, even if I wanted it to.
So with all of this in mind, and with all of what I was wishing for in mind, I was just feeling like I needed to sort of find a way to balance out the two feelings, and that by doing so, I would be able to make it seem like I was going to be a bit more mature on this whole thing. Even though the very idea of being two and mature was kind of out of the range, when I was able to grow older, and look at the truth with a more honest eye and stuff.
And I was also thinking that maybe I did not really need to force my siblings to go on and like me. Maybe they had already made their mind up, and that they already knew what they had thought of me, and that to try and get any other information, or change in mindset, would not have been worth it. I was feeling like I just needed to sort of see what I would have done to keep all of the things in my mind to at least a certain small amount of perspective, and see what the heck they were actually kind of believing in.
I told myself that one of these days, I would see my siblings all again, and we were going to be all older, and more happier, and I was going to be able to get some words out of Ridge even, which would have been pretty epic to see, even if nobody else really knew of it quite yet. I was feeling like maybe when I would see them again, and see what Ridge was feeling, that would have been just enough for us all.
There was a knock on the door, and I was confused as to what it was, so I got myself out of the crib to sort of see what was going on, which was something that I had done quite a few times. More than my older siblings would want to know, and I was feeling like if I had watched enough, I would see what the issue was, and then I would be able to sort of know what was actually going to be going down.
Gabe was the one who answered the door this time, and he was seeing a guy in a black jacket smiling at him, as if looking like this exactly what he had wanted to encounter when he had shown up. "Hello, we were hoping to go on and talk with you for a bit, and that maybe we can come to a understanding."
Gabe looked like this was something that he had wanted to do, and that he was ready to thrown down with this guy, and I was going to just watch and see where this was going. "I was hoping that maybe we could talk for a bit. Since I feel like there are some things that we both want to clear up." Gabe was telling the guy, and the man was looking like he was willing to appreciate the maturity that Gabe was willing to take with this subject, and that he was willing to talk with him, as long as Gabe was willing to talk back, and hear him out.
"Yes, I know that many of my colleagues and I have been having some problems with you, and that maybe we are both sort of wishing to reach a level of resolution to this. I was hoping that maybe the two of us could come to some form of a level of agreement to this." After the man was saying this, Gabe looked like he was willing to suspend his disbelief, and see where this guy was going to go.
"I propose to you that we will effectively remove all watching and investigating of your house, and that we will leave your family alone, as long as you and I work together, and we can be able to discuss some form of agreement on where to be going with these findings you have created." After the man was telling Gabe this, he was shaking his head, as if clearly feeling like this was not going to go the way the man was pretending it would, and was not even going to pretend.
"I know what you are planning on doing. I know you are wanting to believe that I will fall for it. But I will not, and I have already made my mind up on this. I will not give you guys any fucking clues on what I am doing, and I will take care of things myself." Gabe said with a level of anger in his voice I never seen him possess, and then he closed the door on the mans face, not even wanting to give him the benefit of a talk anymore.
"You are making a big mistake, and we want to give you a chance to look at your options again. We believe that a working relation between the two of us could be able to do us much more good than harm. We feel like as long as you are willing to give us a chance, we can be able to get you to understand that we are not doing anything wrong by hoping that you will be able to see our agenda." After the guy was telling Gabe this, he was sighing, feeling like he was just kind of tired of listening to this guy trying so damn hard to get him to talk with him.
"I want to believe that you guys mean well, but I have seen your methods. I have wanted to work with people here, and I was willing to give you guys a chance, but I think that all the bridges here have been started to be burnt. I think that you are just going to have to accept the fact that quite frankly, I do not know if I can trust you." After Gabe was telling the guy this, he wondered what his accomplice would have been saying to this.
"We know that this might not be very conventional of you, and we know that so far at least, you have preferred to go the independent route, but I think even you know how damaging something like this can be to your family, and I never doubted that you cared much for them." After the guy was telling Gabe this, I was seeing that from the look on Gabe's face, he was clearly looking a bit unsure of what to say, and was clearly a bit worried.
"Just give us a chance, and we will show us how you are doing. We think that the one thing you need to give us is a honest chance, and we can be able to start to pull this together, and maybe even laugh it all off." The guy was saying to Gabe, and then he was looking at the man in discussion, and I was seeing Gabe clearly looking like he was not wanting to even debate with something like this anymore.
"I don't really know what to think. You guys have burnt pretty much every single bridge we have given to you, and you are trying to act like I would be willing to just waltz along, and pretend like nothing happened at all. I think that maybe you are as wrong about me as you could be. I mean, I know that I have made issues with my family, but I do care for them." After Gabe was saying this, I was seeing him looking almost happier to admit that he did care for us than ever.
"This is extremely petty, and you know it. You are letting your slight fear of something get in the way of something that you know will be a good working relationship. Please, at least consider our offer before you graduate school in a couple fo months. Unless if we have to take that away from you." After the man said this, I saw that Gabe's mind was clearly running at that statement.
"If you care so much about what I know, I can give you one single clue. But that is going to have to be enough for you guys to just get the hell away from me." After Gabe was saying this to the man, I saw him looking unsure of what to say, and I was seeing that this guy was willing to at least play along, and see where Gabe was coming from, before fully rejecting him at least.
"You have my interest. I would like to hear your clue, and I would be willing to consider." The guy said, and then Gabe was shaking his head, as if feeling like that was just still not going to be enough. As if he was feeling like he needed a more concrete agreement from this guy before he was willing to do a damn thing for him, and that this was not going to be debated.
"You are going to have to agree to my terms before I even think of telling you anything. That is going to be how it works, and I am not going to turn down my statement. If you do not agree, and do not leave my family alone, then I will not even give you this clue." Once Gabe was finished with this, I was seeing him staring intently at this guy, and I was seeing him looking at Gabe for a moment, as if clearly just trying to hide his anger. As if clearly just trying to see what was wrong with Gabe in a way.
"Then, I am sorry to say that maybe we will not be able to work together, which is a bloody shame, since I was able to see the potential in a working relationship." After he was telling Gabe this, I was seeing that Gabe was clearly just glad to be having this guy getting off his shoulder, and that this was the main thing that he had really needed more than it all.
"I am glad that you were able to get it in your head." Gabe said, and I was able to tell that he clearly gave no fucks what the guy was going to be saying to this statement, and he was willing to go even further if he had needed to. The man was just sort of impressed with the level of firmness Gabe imposed, but greatly annoyed with the level that Gabe was willing to take this at the same time, which was a two way street.
"I will bring along a bigger representative, and maybe they will be willing to talk with you about this issue. And maybe he and you will be able to understand where we are trying to come from." After he had said that to Gabe, that was when Gabe was letting a small amount of fear be shown, and that was enough to let that guy be excited for a moment.
Once the door had closed, I was seeing Gabe looking at the guy for another several seconds before he was in the car and driving off. I did not know what the issue was, but when I was seeing him staring at that moment, looking worried that something was on the edge of happening, I was feeling like maybe any form of control that Gabe seemed to exert over the moment was gone, and that he was going to have to find a way out of this now.
Eventually, I was seeing Gabe looking at me, and as I was seeing him almost just thinking that for a moment, he was willing to maybe accept what this guy was telling him after all. If it was going to keep us safe, he was willing to do about anything, and he was willing to go along, and he was willing to basically make this guy know that he was the boss if it had be done. He did not have to like it, but if it was for the sake of the family, he was going to do it, and he was going to accept his new role of protector.
Despite the look he was giving for a moment, I was seeing him sitting down on the couch near the door to the house, and he was placing his hand on the his eyes, as if trying to hold back the feelings he was having, and I was realizing that any form of responsibility that Gabe was willing to exert was all a facade to pretty much just give us a chance of survival. I was thinking that Gabe wanted to try and just keep us away from this as much as possible, and that doing this was only dragging him down a bit more, and a bit harder.
I was willing to almost respect all that Gabe had been able to do, when I was trying to think about it in a perspective that was too much for my mind to comprehend, and I was feeling so fucking lost now. And maybe when Gabe and I were going to talk on this upon getting older, I would hear his perspective, and I would be able to appreciate what he had gone through. And I would be able to appreciate the fact that he was truly feeling like what he had done was for the best, even if it was pushing us away.
In a way, I was too young to understand it all, but I was also old enough, barely, to know that Gabe really did have his heart in the right place. He truly did believe that no matter what was going to happen, it was correct, and that maybe he would be proud of the man he had become because he would be able to know he did something good.
…
-Jan 14 1994 3:47 pm- I was still thinking hard about what I had heard and saw yesterday. I truly had no fucking idea what the hell was even going on, and that was the thing that was scaring the shit out of me. The fact that I was dealing with my older brother probably dealing with something like a drug deal, from what I had seen, and would only learn much later that something like that was probably not really the case. It was just so fucking strange.
I was just curious what Gabe had gotten himself into, even though I highly doubted that I would be able to understand, I had felt like if I had at least tried, I would have been able to sort of get a fucking idea on what I was actually getting myself into, and I would be able to help out my siblings do something better. I was wanting to see if I was going to understand better at least.
I knew that it might have been fucking hard, but I was feeling like it would have been worth the try, and I was feeling like I just needed to get as far as I could given the situation, and see if maybe Todd or Josiah would know what he was doing. They were close enough to his age that I had felt like maybe they would have known, and that they would have been able to give me a fucking clue on what I was supposed to do.
But I knew that even then, at two years old, I would have not been able to help out. The very idea of me doing such a thing would have been laughably stupid, and I would have been going crazy to even assume that something like this had a actual chance of being able to fucking happen and stuff.
I was just going to be standing there, watching hopelessly, as my older brother was going to be doing something that was probably going to be getting himself killed, and I was going to be sort of fucking lost on what to do about it. I was wanting to help out my brother, but I was not going to be able to, and I was going to have to watch helplessly as they were going to be going around, and possibly getting killed, and I would be a person just in the back ground.
I was sort of over being such a small baby, and I was telling myself that if things ever got to the point where I needed to protect Ridge, I would do it, and I would not protest, I would not stop it, I would accept my role as protector, and as somebody who could help his younger sibling, and I would make sure he knew what I was doing for him, but not being a fucking dick about it. Since he was getting older with every day, and soon enough he would be able to talk.
I was out of my crib when Henry was coming along and doing his turn of feeding me and changing my diaper, as well as Ridge. Since there were seven siblings who our parents felt were old enough to do this, they took turns each day of the week, and would loop back when the week was over. Although mom and dad were talking about letting Dylan and Drake start this year, as a in return for letting them play outside a year earlier than expected. But that debate was still six months away, if it were to happen.
"How are you doing?" Henry asked, and he was starting to just give me a bottle, and I was seeing that there was a small part of him that was clearly just doing this because he had to, and that there was virtually no real enjoyment that he was going to be getting out of this. I was feeling like watching him like this might have been kind of funny normally.
"Gabe talk with scary man." I said, and then I was seeing Henry looking at me sort of unsure of what to say, and he was clearly looking like he did not know what he was wanting to say to me, and if he was wanting to really say anything at all. But I was seeing that what I told him was temporarily catching him off guard, which I was feeling like was the best that I was going to be getting out of this right now.
"What did he talk to scary man about?" Henry asked, as he was finishing changing me, and then he was starting to head to Ridge once he threw the diaper out, and then I was thinking about what it was. I had no real idea what the discussion was over, but I was feeling like I had to at least try and tell him, for his sake, and possibly even the sake of Gabe as well.
"Telling him stuff to save you." After I had said this, Henry was starting to give me a sippy bottle, and then I was seeing that there was a rather bleak look on his face, and that I was probably going to need to be very careful with where I was going on this from now on, if I was not wanting to go on and trigger Henry over something that felt so minor. Or maybe it was only minor in my eyes for the moment.
Eventually, I was seeing him thinking about what to say next. "He does not need to worry about me. There are other siblings looking into it more." Henry was saying, sort of letting some form of fear come into his mind, and I was seeing that maybe I was just needing to remain quiet, and that this time, I would just have to let him sort of have the moment, and maybe I would ask more questions on it later.
"Is Gabe safe?" I asked, trying my best to understand if there was something that I was supposed to be getting ready for, and if there was something I might even be able to help out with. I mean, such a thing was sounding insane, even to myself, but I was feeling like as long as I was getting ready for whatever was coming along, I would be able to help out, and I would be able to really see it through in doing something good.
"I don't know, and quite frankly, I don't think I ever will. I need to try and talk with him. Maybe we can sort this out." After Henry was saying this to me, I was feeling like I just needed to try and help out a bit more, but that until I did this, I was going to have to be a bit more careful, and that I was just going to have to be letting him sort of be in his own mindset of fear.
"How can you help?" I asked, feeling like maybe as long as I was showing some form of interest in what was going on, and as long as I was focused on the main thing at hand, maybe just maybe Henry was going to start to open up with me, and then he and I would be able to see if perhaps we could be able to help both of us know more. I mean, I couldn't help, but I was still certain that he would help me, and then I would be ready for more.
"I don't know. I just know what Jack and Seth are scared out of their mind over, and I feel like that is going to have to be enough to start with." After Henry was telling me this, I was feeling like if I even dared to try and learn more, he was not going to be very happy with me questioning more and more, and that for the time being, I was just going to have to be leaving it alone. For his own sake at the very least.
"I think that if I were to try and help them out, maybe they might be willing to finally let me in on it. I think that such a thing might be hard to accomplish, but I do not care." Henry was telling me, and I was seeing him looking a bit uncertain of where he was going to be going here. I was feeling like maybe if Henry finally helped me out, I was going to be a bit more clear on what to say to him. I was feeling like maybe when we were together, we would be able to finally come through.
"The only thing I know, and care about, is just learning the truth, and seeing what the truth has in store for Gabe, and I will see if it will affect how you guys are doing." After Henry was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but was too scared to say more in fear of others knowing what we were discussing.
As I was wanting to say more, I was seeing that there was a car coming up, and I was seeing from the look on Henry's face that this one was going to be a big deal. I was aware that maybe I just needed to be careful, and that I was going to let him tell me what was going on in a bit, but that for the time being, I would just remain quiet, and I would be sort of remaining done with everything going on, as annoying as this might have been.
"Do not mess around or do anything, and if you just let him stay around, everything would be fine." After Henry was saying this to me, I was feeling like I was just needing to listen to him, but it was going to be fucking impossible. It was going to be fucking impossible to just pretend like everything was fine, and that he was going to be doing well, when he was looking like he was going to be witnessing a fucking war going on or something.
But I was also feeling like if I fucked around too much, and if I asked around, and if I tried to act like I was able to make any form of contribution, then I would have gone crazy. I would have been losing my fucking mind. Henry was looking right at me, and I was seeing him looking like there was nothing but absolute pity in his eyes, which I just could not understand for the life of me.
"What is happening?" I asked, and then I was waiting for a answer, and Henry was just trying to be thinking of what to tell me, and he was shaking his head. I was seeing that there was a guy coming out of the car, and that he was holding something like a brief case. I was having a fear that maybe the conversation with Gabe and that guy last night was related to all of this, and that he was going to be punishing Gabe over something or other.
"I don't know. I think that maybe we just wait. We let the situation be fine without us getting involved." After Henry was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was going through a phase of denial as well as uncertainty, and almost in a way, acceptance all at once, and that he was just trying to run his mind through what he was needing to actually do if he was going to make it all come together in any way.
"Does he see Gabe?" I asked, feeling like maybe I was just needing to sort of tie the dots together, and that maybe if Henry gave me a concrete answer for once, I would fucking know what I was going to be getting ready for. I was just sad to know that no matter what was happening, Gabe knew that we were in a war or something.
"Gabe is almost certainly the reason he is here." Henry was saying, and then he was looking at me, and I was seeing that there was a small part of him that was looking almost a bit too sad to know that whatever was going to be happening, I was going to have to witness it, and that I was going to be suffering through a mild trauma as a result of this guy not being able to fucking leave us alone, and be on his own.
"Don't go out." After I was saying this to Henry, he was looking at me, and I was seeing that there was a small part of him that was wishing to do just that, but that there was no way that he was going to be letting this guy do something, and there was no way he was going to be letting anything happen to either Gabe or I, so he was going to be willing to talk for us, and that he was willing to see if maybe he would be able to see what this guy was really needing, and then everything could be all cleared up, and it would be at worst a minor annoyance we would have to go through.
"Even if I wanted to leave the situation alone, I can't. There is something that is about to happen, and I need to see what we are getting into." After Henry was telling us this, I was seeing him looking a bit uncertain on what he was wanting to say. He just looked like anything to say would have been a bit pointless. "Thanks for staying by my side though, and trying to make me feel better." After Henry was telling me this, I slowly nodded, feeling like there was no way that I was going to change what he was feeling on this whole thing.
Eventually, when Henry was at the front door, he was waiting for that man to show up, and I was seeing him just looking like no matter what was about to happen, he was going to be glad to discuss with this man, and that maybe they would be able to get this over with, and that the two of us would be safe after he would have gone on and saved the day for us. I was sort of feeling a bit jealous that I wasn't like Ridge right now. Because with his age of several weeks, he had no fucking idea what was going. Not that I had any idea either, but I was much closer.
There was a knock of the door, and Henry answered it right away, and I was sort of waiting for something to happen, and I was feeling like maybe when I would see how they were doing, I would just get to see if Henry really did know how to help us, or if he was going to be fucking up even worse than helping.
"Young man, how are you today? Is one of your older brothers here?" The guy, who was not the same one as the one from last night, was saying, and even at my age, I was able to kind of figure out that this was a man who would be nice if it was going to get him what he had needed, but if it was going to require him being a rough bastard to do the same, then he was more than willing to go on and make other peoples lives miserable for his own gain.
I was seeing that Henry was taking a couple of seconds to think about the question, as if trying to find a way to pretend like he was not scared of this man, and that he was not expecting shit to go down at any moment. I was feeling like he was willingly taking a moment of caution to make sure that he would be able to probably get out of this at least without too bad of a scrapping or anything. It was honestly just scary to see that Henry was not wanting to take this easily.
"I'm doing alright. I don't know how my brothers are doing." Henry said, and I was seeing him looking like he truly believed that as long as he was keeping himself neutral on this, he would be safe, and that as long as he was willing to give answers that seemed impartial, then there was a small chance that he was going to get out of this alive.
I did not know what was bothering him so much, and I did not know why he was literally acting like he had been going through hell and back. But I was not going to be just standing there like nothing happened if he was going to be actually getting hurt. But I was still trying my hardest to make it seem like I was not scared for him at all. "Well, would you be willing to go on and find one of them? The one with the small amount of facial hair." He was saying, referring to the new hair Gabe had been growing, which was the first time I saw it in my entire life.
"I don't know where he is." After Henry was saying this to the guy, I was seeing him clearly looking like he was having a slightly harder time pretending to be normal on this, and I was seeing that he was clearly just trying to think of ways he could get himself to safety, and I was wondering if perhaps I had needed to help him out. The man was getting to his knees, and staring Henry right at the face.
"I know you are lying to me. I know that you are pretending like doing this is keeping your older brother safe. That you feel like he knows how to save you guys. You surely must come to realize that you are dead wrong." After the man was saying this to Henry, I was seeing that Henry's mind was running at a million fucking miles per hour, and that he was needing to just sort of find a way to keep himself calm and collected, to make it seem alright.
"I am not lying. He doesn't show up, and he doesn't actually talk with me." After Henry was saying this to the guy, he was just scared out of his mind, and by this point in time, there was no way in hell he was even going to pretend to be keeping himself normal, keeping himself happy. I was wanting to help out so fucking badly, but I was aware that even if I tried, and even if I wanted to help, I was going to see my older brother get himself killed.
At that moment, I was genuinely fearing that Henry might be dying at that moment. "You know, I know that you have a feeling of loyalty, and that you want to keep your brother safe, but you know that there is a way that I can force him to help me out. I can take everything away from him, and make him see how his plans to help you guys out are being wasted." The man was saying to Henry, and I was too busy watching at the side of the door, and I was seeing Henry just trying to pretend like he was being fine, and that what was being told to him was probably not really all that rough, but that with each second, that composure, whatever of it was there before, was going away quickly.
"How can you do this?" Henry asked, and I was feeling like he was probably in that mindset that he was still needing to just play along, and pretend like he was not going crazy. That he was not worried. I was seeing that Henry was just clearly sort of trying to keep a normal mindset to this whole thing. Eventually, that was when the guy was grabbing Henry's shirt, and that was when Henry was starting to struggle, and try and find a way to make some noise here.
"I could be able to use you as part of my way of getting to him." He said, and I knew that this man was going to actually kill Henry. He placed Henry against the wall against the house, and then he was placing both of his hands around Henry's neck, and I was just trying to find a way to not be looking horrified, but I was starting to cry for a moment, and I was seeing the guy looking at me, and he was just looking rather annoyed with this, and he was placing his hand to his mouth, to get me to shut up.
"You know, that if I do not get any information from you, I can just snap your neck, and then Gabe will have no choice but to work with me. If he sees you dead, your worthless life coming to an end, he will know that every time he doesn't listen to us, and every time he decides to be selfish, and take things into his own hands, he will be getting another one of you killed. That will be a way to get him to finally take me seriously." The man was telling Henry, as I was seeing Henry trying to struggle, but he was starting to lose some breath here.
"Nobody will really miss you, since you are just a little boy. A struggling, young peppy boy, who is just wasting time and space. If anything your parents will probably be thankful that there is one less person to worry about, and that you are finally away from them. I think that you are doing them a favor this way." After he was saying this to Henry, I was seeing that Henry was able to start to find a way to actually get himself to speak.
"He will never talk with you. He is probably at his friends house." After Henry was saying this, I was seeing that the man was looking a little bit less worried about what Henry had said, and I was seeing that maybe this man was actually starting to believe that he had finally gotten Henry to start to listen, and that maybe he would be able to get Henry to start to see the error of his ways. So he decided to slightly let back.
"Where do his friends live? Tell me where they live, and I will let you live, and you will be able to use this as a lesson to never lie to me again, and to never push me off, and to never try and pretend like you are going to be fine with treating me like garbage." The man was saying, and then I was seeing that Henry was probably going to be safe, and that I was going to have a bit of knowledge on something, as long as I did not say anything about it.
"About three blocks west." Henry was saying, and I was seeing the guy finding it amusing that Henry wanted to defend Gabe as long as possible, but when it came to something such as keeping his life safe, he was willing to expose the most important information, and throw Gabe under the bus, and throw away any sense of honor that he was willing to show for his brother. It was just the funniest thing in the world in his mind, and he was wanting to sort of take advantage of that moment in the future
"Let him go." Gabe was saying, and he had told the guy this, the man did just that, and Henry was dropped to the ground, where he cried in pain from the scratches that he had obtained, and he landed on his right hand first, and he was holding his right hand with his left one, holding back some tears. The man was looking right at Gabe, and he was actually happy.
"It took me until almost killing one of your worthless brothers for you to finally open up and talk with me. I think you really should be more open with working with me." The guy was telling Gabe, and as he was saying that, Gabe was shaking his head, and he was feeling like it was time for him to finally take some form of responsibility to this whole thing.
"I am not going to work with you. Every small amount of desire that I would have had to help you out went through the window you decided to bring my family into this. You do not bring my family into this, and you will not get out of this normally." After Gabe told this man that, I saw him looking stern, and I was seeing him looking like any form of him being a nice and happy young brother was thrown out the window, and was turning into a slowly increasing battle ready man.
"How can you act with any form of certainty that you are going to get out of this safe? You are just a eighteen year old man, who has no experience fighting, no experience talking, and no experience in the business field. You think for a minute that I am going to be falling for what you are trying to say. Nobody believes in you. Nobody thinks you can handle this." After the man was saying this to Gabe, I saw him looking like he was loving to see what Gabe would have said here.
"Because I actually do have something you have been wanting this whole time. And I will be more than willing to use it if it will mean that it will keep my family safe." Gabe said, and despite the fear that I was having, and the even greater amount of confusion, I was wanting to see where this went. This was so generic and soap opera like, but I could not have cared less. I was needing to know how this would end.
"So you are willing to finally admit the truth? I think that maybe it was about damn time." After the man was telling Gabe this, that was when Gabe was slowly nodding, as if feeling like maybe this was the one thing he had wished for, and that almost wanted to do since the first day of this story that we have been telling you guys.
"You're right, it is about damn time, but not for the reasons you expect." Gabe said, as he was pulling out a yellow medal rod from his pocket, and then pressed a red button on it to reveal a strange blue light. I didn't know it at the time, but it was basically on par with the lightsabers that you would see in star wars, which was mind blowing to learn that there were some in real life in the first place. But I did not know this at the time.
"Maybe it will finally require you guys to leave my family alone. Maybe it will require you to leave us be, and just be happier without you for once." After gabe was saying this, the man was slightly laughing, and I was feeling like whatever these people were looking for the entire time had started to finally be solved, and that for better or for worse, Gabe had just walked into their trap just the way it was meant to be.
"I knew that you were never going to keep it safe and that you were going to reveal it some day. I knew that it was only a matter of time before you were going to try and act like you were some great hero, who did not ever have anything to fear." After he was telling Gabe this, I was seeing him almost finding this to be the funniest thing that Gabe could have been doing. Gabe was clearly looking like he was not really in the mood for this game.
He was holding the rod with both of his hands, and I had seen him looking like he was willing to just fight the man who had wanted to kill Henry, and as much as I did not fully realize it at the time, I knew later on that Gabe had every intent on killing this man, and that he was just waiting for him to make a move so that way Gabe could be able to consider it self defense, and that he did nothing wrong in the eyes of the law.
"Are you willing to actually use that weapon though? There is one thing to put on a good show, and to act like you are willing to go out of your way to show people that you mean business, and it is a different thing to actually go through with it. And I think you know deep down you are not going to do it." After the man was saying this to Gabe, I was seeing that Gabe was ready to prove this guy wrong, and he was taking a couple of steps forward, as if feeling ready to prove his point soon.
As he was taking a couple of steps forward, I was seeing that the man was looking a bit unsure of where Gabe was going to be going with this right now. "You are going to be putting everything with your family on the line for no real good reason, and people will have nothing to blame but yourself." After he was done saying this, Gabe was just waiting a couple of seconds longer.
"Well, at least I will get to say that I was doing what the right thing was, no matter what anybody else tries to say." After Gabe had finished this, I was seeing him smiling a faint amount, and then the guy was starting to bring his hand this pocket, probably to pull out a gun or something, to try and fight back.
Gabe did not give this guy a chance. He swung the blade right across the mans chest the moment that he was looking like he would have been ready to fight back, and then the man was falling down to the ground, and he was looking up at Gabe for a couple of seconds, as if feeling like he would still say something to him to make his point.
"Did you seriously think that you were being a hero? Look at what you just did. Take out a man in cold blood, and from the looks on your face, you seem to have no remorse over it. How much of a hypocrite are you for not going along with what I am saying, for a false sense of protection?" After he was saying this to Gabe, I was seeing him looking like he was willing to drag Gabe down as long as he was feeling like Gabe would be falling for such a thing.
"If you are going to try and make me feel and look like the bad guy, it will not affect me. I have done what I did because I felt like it was the right choice." Gabe said, and then the man was looking at the guy a few seconds longer, feeling like if he was going to be willing to talk longer, he would be able to get more info from him. "In fact, I would even try and suggest that I had no choice. Or at least no real good choice."
After he was done saying this to the man, he was waiting for a moment, to see what the remark was going to be from this guy, or if there was going to be one at all. "Maybe if you were like this more, and actually fucking fought harder, from the start, then maybe nothing would have happened to you. Maybe you would have actually been able to accomplish what you had wanted." After he was saying that to Gabe, I was seeing that he was clearly just trying to spread an attempt of irony here.
But Gabe was looking like he could not have cared less. "I will remember how much you failed at the end. You were talking about putting up a good game, and then you didn't even start. You lost before you even entered into the ring." Gabe said, and then once he was done saying that, the guy was closing his eyes, and Gabe shut off the blade, feeling like he was ready to just end this, and that he was sort of over it all.
He was looking at us, and I was seeing Henry standing up, and he was looking scared, but also happy. But also in a lot of pain, and it was from what I would later learn was a broken hand. "Thanks for saving my life." Henry was saying, and then he was slowly walking down the stairs, and he was approaching Gabe, to just take the moment of them being able to be safe, and the moment of them being happy.
"I did what I had to. I will do it again if it means that you guys will be kept safe." After he was saying that to Henry, I saw Henry looking right up at Gabe, and I was seeing him looking like there was no way he was going to be able to describe the way he was feeling, and that he was just going to have to keep the moment as it was for a moment longer, feeling that would be enough at the moment.
"I will remember that." Henry was saying, and I was seeing him looking a bit unsure of what to tell Gabe, and I was seeing that Gabe was looking a bit sad to see Henry here, mainly because part of him was unsure of what the hell he was going to be telling Gabe, almost as if feeling like if he was going to finally open up to Gabe, he would finally just feel like maybe the two of them could be able to talk for a while, and be sort of together now.
"We should look at your hand. It seems like that might be a bit of a problem." After Gabe was saying this, Henry looked at him, as if feeling like there was no real need to lie about what he was feeling right now. "I had to deal with that once. But I was eleven at the time. I can't even imagine what it must have been like at six."
Henry was letting go for a second, to try and prove his point, and his hand was flopping down, and I was seeing Henry looking kind of worried what to do now. Almost as if feeling like if he dared say anything else, he was almost going to be making things worse for us. I was sort of just trying to find something better to say to sort of show that I was hearing their conversation, but I was still just so blown away by what I had seen that I could not even talk if I had wanted to.
"When Todd comes home, we will bring you to the hospital. Until then, I think we need to take care of this body, and wash up everything going on." Gabe was saying, and I was seeing him clearly looking like that was much more important than anything else at that moment. And in the grand scheme of things, that might have been true, and I was feeling like I needed to just be glad Gabe was a fucking hero.
…
-Jan 15 1994 3:31 am- That was around the time when Todd, Gabe and Henry had come back home, and I was seeing that Todd was looking relieved, but also very pissed. I knew that this was going to be a very happy moment, and in a way, I was glad to be able to say that I was too young to understand how important this was and stuff. If I had known what was going on, I would have been angry at Gabe, but also relieved in a strange way, and I was feeling like I would be able to try and see where Todd was coming from at that moment then.
I did not ever know what Todd was feeling, but I was able to kind of have a decent idea when I was hearing the way that they were talking to each other, and that the way Todd was reacting to Gabe, and I was aware that in a way, he was feeling like this debate was going to be a very long one, but it was one that he was feeling every single need in the world to be having with him, to make his point clear, as well as his appreciation at the same time.
"Gabe, I do not claim to know what is going on right now, and to be honest, I don't care. What I do know is that something happened, and that one of my brothers just ended up getting really hurt, and that there is nothing that can be done right now. I just wish that I had a fucking clue what you have been up to, and I want you to for once give me a straight ass answer." After Todd was telling Gabe this, I was seeing Gabe looking like he was almost feeling bad for everything going on.
"It is something that is related to all of those fucking stories with the town, and the monsters, and the rumors going around. They are all fucking true. They are all fucking connected. That is all that I fucking can say. That is all that I feel safe to say, without getting you guys or anybody else killed." After Gabe was saying this to Todd, I was seeing him holding up his hands, as if feeling like he was having a very hard time believing in any of this story in the first place.
"Are you seriously telling me that what you are doing right now is keeping our siblings safe? That is the biggest load of shit that I have ever heard, and you know it. Nothing that you have done has kept them safe, and everything you have done has instead placed them in grave danger." After Todd was saying this to Gabe, I was seeing Gabe looking overwhelmed by this, but that at the same time, in a way, he was just not even caring now.
"If you want to rant at me, and bitch at me for whatever I have done, that is fine, but I know that I have found the right answer. I know that everything that I have been doing has been to bring some form of security to this fucking place. I know what I saw. I know what I am doing. I know what I need to do." After Gabe said this, I was seeing him just looking a bit angry here.
"I mean, for once, I was feeling like what I had done was right. For once, I had felt like I had come close to making a good choice here, and then I am here, learning it might not have been." Gabe said, looking at Todd, this time feeling more subdued here.
"I know you are too high and nightly to see how much this bothers me, and how much I fucking hate it. But I do. I hate being treated like a fucking loser. I hate being treated like nothing I ever do is right. I wanted to make a difference for once, and I had felt like I had been able to do that." After Gabe was done with this, he was sighing, feeling like there was no need to even remotely continue what he had been saying, and that he had made his point.
"For once, I thought that maybe if I took matters into my own hands, that if I was able to be a person who could do things on his own, that you guys would be fine. That you guys would have a small chance of being safe. I did not think that what I was doing was wrong in any way. I genuinely believed that I was doing the right thing. It is only now, looking at everything, that I feel like maybe I could have done more." After he was done with his rant, he was looking at Todd, and he was looking like he was needing to just see what Todd was going to be saying to this whole thing.
"I mean, I know that you are just the brother who always does something right, and that maybe you think that I am a fuck up in every way possible, because I am smart enough to see how you guys feel around me, and I just wanted to show people that I was able to take care of myself. But now that I am here, and I fucked up, maybe that is not the truth." Once Gabe was done, he was feeling like he was not needing to say anything else now.
"Gabe, do you really feel that way about me? That I am some big great hero, and that this is the reason you just go along and act like you do not need our help on anything?" Todd was asking, giving off a minor form of mixed opinions to this, and I was wanting to see what Gabe was going to try and say, since I was interested in this sob story, but I saw that he was not really looking in the fucking mood to do this.
"I do feel that way about you because that is the way everybody treats you. The way that everybody treats you is that you are a guy who can do no wrong. You are a guy who always knows what the fuck you are doing. A guy who can do no wrong because you were just always embedded to be right." Gabe was saying, and then he was looking at Todd, feeling like there was no need to say anything else now.
"I am not that way. I mean, as nice as it may be to hear you say that about me, and that you are willing to believe in this narrative that I am some flawless saint, that is something that I can't even pretend to fulfill. I made many mistakes, and I have had many bad opinions of you, and I wished that maybe I could have been able to get you to see that side of me." Todd was telling Gabe, and he was looking at Gabe, as if feeling like he was wanting to say more now.
"I was always a bit harsh on you. I mean, are you not going to remember that. The fact that I always treated you like a fucking piece of trash, just because you were kind of annoying in a way? I mean, I should have given you more credit, but I did not. I mean, I think that maybe I should have understood that you were different from me, but I did not." After he was done saying that, I was wondering if there was more for him to admit, or if he would stop there.
"But you were always telling the truth. You were always able to be objective, and not lie to me. As much as that may have sucked, it was something that I needed." After Gabe was done saying that to Todd, the two were looking at each other, and I was wondering if they were actually kind of bonding, or just too deeply hating on each other, to just actually look at things rationally, and that as a result, they were still sort of all over the place here.
"I know that telling the truth would have been a better thing than not, but maybe I could have gone at it a different way. Maybe I could have been a little less frank than I was. You know, give you a chance to see on your own. Or just realize that something like this did not really matter." After Todd had said that, I was seeing him placing his hand on Gabe's shoulder, and in the matter of about thirty seconds, I saw him go from crisp, to just looking tired, and just like he needed to fucking go to sleep, and just take a moment to sort of think about what he was doing now.
"I mean, I don't think anybody would really believe that I am a great person or anything like that, but to be honest, I think that maybe part of what makes me so successful is in part because of that. But I guess that people have different ways of doing their things, and I believe that part of what works for you is the fact that you are just a nice gut, and that you do not let anybody get in the way of that." After Todd was saying this to Gabe, he was just looking a bit unsure of what to do now.
"I don't know. If people think I'm just a idiot, and that I can just be thrown around and used, and that I am not that useful of a person, and then put my siblings in danger. If being a bit of a asshole is the only way that I can be able to get people to know that I am not going to be messing around, then I guess that maybe I will have to force myself to change." After Gabe was telling Todd this, I was seeing both brothers looking a bit worried at this.
"There was no way that you could have known what was going to happen. Or at least I am assuming that this is the case, and I want to believe that this is the case because I know for a fact that deep down inside, even if you do not know what you are doing, and even if you make a bunch of mistakes, you do not do it on purpose." After Todd said that to Gabe, he was shaking his head.
"People had been talking to us over and over again, and they have been trying to get me to open up about what I am doing, but I have been telling them not to be doing this over and over again. I told them that I wanted nothing to do with this, and I guess that they are not willing to believe in me. I think that this is something that I can handle." After Gabe was telling Todd this, he had looked at Todd, wondering what his older brother would have said now.
"I don't know what to tell you, if that is true. If you were willing to do something like that, then I think that there might be a big issue. I believe that you might just need to talk with them, and see what they might tell you. If there is something going on, and to be honest, I don't even know what to say anymore, and if I want to know anymore, but if you are needing to talk with them again. can you at least pretend like everything is fine, and that you are willing to be listening to them." After Todd was saying this to Gabe, he was looking a bit scared out of what was going on.
"If it is the only way, then I guess that I will have no choice." After Gabe was saying this to Todd, he was looking a bit annoyed, and there was just a bit of fear in his voice. "I think that whatever is going on with those guys, they are just trying to hide some greater agenda. But maybe if I just hear their argument even once it might be able to work." He was shaking his head on this whole ordeal.
"I mean, what is the worst that is going to be coming out of this whole thing. I think that I will need to have you tell me what the issue is right now. I think that you are just needing to fucking open up when this is all done, because after all that you done, I think you need to just do this." Once Todd was saying this to Gabe, he was looking a bit unsure of what to tell him now. Gabe was looking a bit unsure of what the heck was going on here.
"I don't think that you would really be all that interested in knowing. I think that if you were to find out everything, there would be a small part of you that would just not even believe what is going on. But now I doubt that anybody is going to take me seriously, and now that I know that there is a chance that something is going to happen to you guys, I will probably just never fully forgive myself." After Gabe was done saying this, I was seeing him just a bit unsure of what to even do now.
"You don't know if people will take you seriously or not if you do not even try. I think that the least you can do is at least try, and maybe we can be able to bring this whole thing together." After Todd was saying all of this, there was a just no real way that either of them were going to be coming close to bringing this together. "I mean, if what you are saying about these stories that we heard when we were younger is true actually is what is going on here, I think you just need to fucking tell me what the hell is going on." Todd was saying, and this time, Gabe was actually taking him seriously.
"I have a fear that these things are true. I mean, I do not want to believe in these stories either, and I once believed the shit that dad was telling me was fucking stupid as well, and I thought that he was just doing this for the sake of fiction. But now I feel like I am now going to have to at least consider these things to be true, and now I am going to have to see if I can be able to find a way to bring these things away from my siblings." After Gabe was telling Todd this, he was smiling, as if sort of unsure of what the hell he was wanting to tell him now.
"Todd, I know that this is a bit rough and stuff, and I know that people are not going to believe in me, and that they are going to be telling me that I am insane, but in all honesty, I just don't really fucking care. I have to pretend to be acting like everything is fine, and I have to pretend like things are totally okay, and that all of these events don't make some form or sense, and now I am here." After Gabe had said that to Todd, he was wondering what to do now.
"What do you mean, that the stories make too much sense." After Todd was saying this to Gabe, he was sort of unsure of what to say, and in all honesty, there was that part of him that was actually looking kind of scared on what to tell him now. Todd was sort of just wanting to at least give Gabe a chance, and that maybe something about what he had just said might have been making some sense. "I mean, I think that if what you are saying is true, then I think we need to take this more seriously."
"Think about it. Actually stop and think about it for a moment, and really consider where to go. There are a bunch of things that destroy this city, there are people going missing, the grinding noises, the things in town that make no fucking sense, teachers who are way too trigger happy when you mention something to them, things that literally looked like monsters roaming across town, and I think you know deep down inside that those were probably not just fucking animals." After Gabe was saying this to Todd, he was wondering what to tell him here.
"I mean, I guess that maybe some of this might make some sense, but do you think that maybe you are just tying too many pieces together that are either not real, or just fucking something that you might be blowing a bit out of proportion." After Todd was saying all of this stuff, there was just a bit of confusion here. But there was virtually no fucking way that they were going to be making any form of connection to this now. Eventually, Gabe was just sighing, feeling like there was nothing to even tell him now.
"I know that it sounds crazy, and trust me, I don't like it or get it either, but I am not stupid. I am willing to admit the truth. And I am going to just see what I can do to bring make some sense out of all of this. I will just fight for myself, and try to keep myself as safe as possible." After Gabe was saying this, he was just sort of feeling like there was nothing to say now, and he was walking to his room, and Todd was just looking a bit sad on what was happening.
…
-Jan 16 1994 5:30 pm- I was just trying to pretend like I was totally fine with everything that was going on, and that virtually nothing else even fucking mattered. I was feeling like that whole thing with Gabe and Todd was just a one time thing, and they needed to talk, and now that they have talked, and gotten it over with, they did not need to go any deeper into this whole thing, and that they were probably already going to be fine on their own. I was almost wondering how this was even happening now.
I was almost believing that in a way, I was sort of just imagining the events that I had seen as either a thing of my imagination or nothing more than one of those 'random memories that you have before you're five years old that you don't really get the context to.' But that was proven to be not true when I was seeing all of the previous telling of these stories that I have been given, and how much I seen the people in my family sort of look like they have been destroyed by this.
It was only when I realized how real this was, and how much fucking shit went down lately that I began to bring it all together, and I sort of believed that I am just going a bit crazy now. But to be honest, I was sort of just wanting to believe that my brothers were fine, and that they did not need to be having me worried about them. That they were just needing to be given some time to be doing things on their own regard.
It had been due to these conversations though, that I had been brought into more stuff that gave me a bit of a better context. I was told by my brothers some of the things that had happened next, that I was sort of there for, even if I was much too young to have a real part to this whole thing. I don't really know how to explain all of this stuff, but I feel like I just need to at least try.
It started when Seth was coming along, and he was writing some material for his shows down for some papers, and that he was just sort of minding his own business. I was making some noise, and he decided that he would go on and try to make me feel better on this whole thing. Seth did not really have any clue what was going on with Henry and the others this time, and that he had just been sort of trying to work on his own, and he was actually sort of just happy to be over the weird stuff from weeks ago.
At least that was the thing that he had told me. He said he genuinely felt like everything had been put to the side, and he was finally feeling like the people who were constantly at our case were no longer going to be dealing with us, and this was why Seth did not mind changing me this time, since he was so excited about that he could not let that bring him down.
Once he was done changing me, that was when Seth was looking along at his older siblings, and he was smiling a bit, and he was feeling like he would have been able to leave soon enough, and that was the thing that had made him happier than anything else in the entire fucking world. Seth was coming up to Josiah and then he said "I was going to be hanging out with some of my classmates today. I was going to head out around six." After he was saying that to Josiah, that was when Josiah shrugged, as if feeling like there was nothing wrong with that, and that in a way, he did not really need to be worried about that.
"Well, I hope that you end up having fun, and that you don't get too distracted from anything." After Josiah was telling Seth this, I was seeing him looking like he was just trying to be all chill and happy for his brother, but in a way, he was just wanting to get his brother to just head on out, and then he would be able to do whatever the hell he would have been able to do.
"I will have a lot of fun. I mean, we are probably going to be going to the park or something. I heard that it starts to get a lot of fun at this point in the year again." After Seth was saying this to his brother, he was seeing that Josiah was just looking a bit unsure of what he was wanting to even say now. "I also think that after all of this stuff going on seeming to come to a halt, I am just wanting to be happy."
"What stuff are you talking about?" Josiah started to become a bit more interested in this, and I was seeing that he was clearly just wanting to see where Seth was going to go from that. Probably just fearing that Seth was onto something that was a bit more dangerous than normal, and that maybe he would try and force Seth into not doing anything too crazy, for both their sakes.
"You know, all the people who have gone on and tried to question everybody like crazy. Nothing has come up in the last couple of days. I am starting to think that maybe that shit is all over." Seth said, and then Josiah was confused, and he was just wanting to find something else to say, but was totally at a loss on where to go from that.
"I think that I have only seen somebody like that once or twice. So I would not know why it is such a big deal. I mean, I am just sort of confused on why you care so much." After Josiah was telling Seth this, he was looking at Seth, as if feeling like he was just needing to see what the fucking point to any of this would have been, and why Seth cared so much in the first place.
"It's just so strange to see that when I am going around, and trying to be happier with my friends, everybody was just trying to get in our way. besides, there was a encounter that I had with one of them, and they really scared me a bit." Seth said, and Josiah decided that he would play along for a bit, and see what Seth was talking about, and see if this so called encounter really was that big of a deal in the first place.
"What did the guy do with you? Did he try to make you give him your comedy script?" Josiah asked, and then Seth was looking mildly annoyed at the fact that Josiah was clearly not caring what was being told to him, and then he was just rolling his eyes, feeling like he needed to at least try and act like this was not all that big of a deal, and that maybe the guy was just playing around because he was worried himself.
"The guy was trying to find Gabe, and was acting like he would have tried to force me to give him the information if he had needed to. You know, a way that a torturer would force his subjects to just tell him the truth, and he would find ways to do it. The only reason I got out of it fine was because I was able to escape, and pretend to not be all that worried about presenting my comedy to them and stuff." After Seth was telling him this, he was wondering what to say now.
"Why the hell would he want to meet Gabe in the first place? That makes no sense." Josiah was slowly conceding, and he was looking at Seth, as if trying to find out what was going on here, and that maybe Seth would have opened up about either joking around, or that maybe Seth was already going to have more of a response to this than he was willing to let on. Almost like this was kind of genuinely worrying to him.
"I don't fucking know. The point is that he was trying to force me to tell him some stuff, that I did not really know, but for some reason, he either did not believe me, or did not want to believe me, because he was still forcing his agenda to me, and was trying to make me give him more info. I was fucking scared, but I was just able to get out of the area by telling him off, you know, the way that I felt like would have made my point." Seth said, and then Josiah was looking at him, as if starting to see that maybe what was going on here might have been a bit worrying after all.
"That is strange actually. I mean, I know that there is more that I can be saying here, but I think that I just need to leave this alone." After Josiah was telling Seth this, I was seeing him just sort of looking unsure of what to be doing now. I was seeing him just clearly looking like he was wanting to get him to feeling sort of safe, but at the same time, the whole idea of safety was almost a laughable one in the first place.
"Josiah, I had actually been scared on the idea that he was going to be forcing me to give him what he had wanted. I feel like he was that person would have been able to make you give him whatever he had wanted, and that he would be willing to do anything to get there, no matter what it would take to get there." Seth was saying, and I was seeing him shaking his head, clearly looking like there was virtually nothing left to say now.
"I think that the best you can do is just not think about it at all. Maybe if you do that, then you might be able to sort of convince yourself that it is no big deal." After Josiah was saying this to Seth, I was seeing Seth clearly looking like there was that part of him that refused to even pretend to go along with this idea, as if feeling like maybe that idea was just going to be making things worse.
"I hope that you're telling the truth. Because if you are not, I don't even want to imagine what that guy would do to try and talk with me again. I don't even want to think about forcing myself to think on it more." After Seth was saying this, I was seeing him looking rather firm on what he had said, as if feeling like there was no way he was going to be arguing on this whole thing, no matter what was going to be taking in order to get there.
"Please Seth, just don't worry about it too much. If you do that, then you are just going to be making things worse for yourself, and I can already see how much it is bringing you down." He was saying, trying to be supportive of his brother, but at the same time, he was feeling like there was no fucking way he was going to get Seth to feel open on this.
"I will have to see what it is like. Honestly, I just wish that I can finally just pretend like everything is fine." After Seth was telling Josiah this, he was walking to his front house door, as if feeling like even talking about this any further was just going to be putting him off, and that he was not wanting to do this anymore. I was feeling bad for Seth, but had no idea what to be telling him now.
"Well, have some fun either way. Don't let anything get in the way of you having a good time." After Josiah was telling Seth this, I was seeing him looking totally sincere when he was saying this. Seth was slowly nodding, as if feeling like maybe he was just needing to try and do it this way, for his own sake, and his own sanity. After Seth nodded, he actually smiled at Josiah, knowing that he was glad to realize his brother did still care in a way.
"I will do my best. I think it is the least that I can do given the situation." After Seth was saying this, he sighed, and then he looked at Josiah, as if trying to find something else to say, to try and make the situation better for him, but decided that he was not going to be trying to do this. "Hey Josiah, don't worry about what I am doing. I think you need to do something better in your life than worry about what your brothers are scared of." Seth said, and then he smiled, as if sincerely meaning what he had said, and was not afraid to say even more.
"I will see what I can do about that. I think that something like this might be a bit harder than you are making it out to be. Like when I see you, and you are acting like this. No offense." Josiah was saying, and then Seth was sighing, as if feeling like he had tried his best, and that if something were to happen, he was not wanting to hear Josiah complaining about how unfair things were, and how much he had messed up.
"Hey Seth, I am sorry for everything that is going on. I know that you are just trying to be taking this as well as you can, from the way you are posing yourself, but I doubt that it is going to matter what you tell yourself. It is already to be worried." After he was telling Seth this, that was when Seth was just feeling like Josiah had needed to make a choice. And that if Josiah was just going to be acting like this, going back and forth, doing a bunch of random things, then he would just not even try and see what his older brother was going through.
"I am going to tell my friends about it. Maybe they might have something more insightful to say, that can give me some clues on where this is going." After Seth had said that, he was sighing, and I was seeing him sort of just looking like he had wanted to say more, but was feeling like there was virtually no point in even trying to speak any further, knowing that Josiah would never get it.
Eventually, when Seth was out of the house, that was when Josiah was seeing me, and then he was slightly smiling, as if trying to find a way to not be worried about what was going on, and worried about what his brother was telling him, and feeling like maybe he would have been able to do more, but that something like this could not have been even fucking remotely possible.
I was feeling like Seth was wanting to just act like he would have been fine with all of this, but that when he was letting his fears be shown to his older siblings, and he was seeing that they were not making fun of him, or making him feel like shit, he was feeling like maybe he was just able to finally go on and speak with them, and see what they might have to say, and that it could have made some form of sense.
"Sorry that you had to witness that." After Josiah was saying this to me, I was smiling, feeling like I was just going to be fine with this whole thing, and that as long as Josiah did not drink the kool aid everything would have been fine. I just did not think that there could have been anything else that I could have said to make the situation any different at all.
"What scares him?" I asked, feeling like what was going on here could have been connected, and that as long as I was patient, and that as long as he was willing to just tell me some stuff, he would have been able to help enlighten me on this, and that I would be able to just sort of brush this whole thing off, and that I would be able to sort of say that maybe Seth watched too many horror movies or something like that.
I just genuinely did not believe, in any form or fashion, that what was getting everybody all worried and hyped up, was going to be that big of a deal. Sure what I had seen last night or something with Gabe and Henry was a bit worrying, but I was convinced that this whole thing was not that big of a deal. I was thinking that maybe this entire situation was having one clear fucking answer.
"Just something with a couple of really strange guys, and he is scared that they are going to be really mean to him, and that they might be getting in his business here." After Josiah was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like there was virtually nothing to say in the first place. But then I was sighing, feeling like there was just something that was kind of making this a waste of time.
I was thinking that I would just need to let them all play their fucking stupid game, and that I would just show them I was not scared of anything, and that I was courageous. "What do you know?" I asked, trying to pretend like this was all fine and dandy, but that I was feeling like as long as I was careful, we would be all fine.
"Honestly, this is nothing I am too concerned about. I think that people just want to be getting all hyped up over something that is not that big of a deal. I think that maybe you are just needing to focus on your own thing. Let us take care of it, and do not worry about it." After Josiah was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to let the subject go, but that for the time being, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but did not want to be taking the risk now.
"Good luck." I said, and then I was saying this to Josiah, he was rubbing my hair, and I was seeing that he was just as worried about this as he was worried about something happening to his show. Needless to say, virtually not at all. But then after all, he was just looking at me, as if trying to find a better way to be making me feel like I was able to be into this conversation, and not feel like I was being let out here.
"I will try." I said, and then Josiah was sighing, clearly thinking that something like this might have been the best that I was going to be able to give him. I mean, he was probably thinking that I had drank the cool aid, and that I was taking this whole thing too seriously. I was feeling like my siblings might have been all a part of one big prank, but I decided not to be saying much on it.
"Good. I think that this whole thing is a bit strange, and that if you even try and understand what is going on, I think you would be going crazy, and you would be trying to act like some mad scientist sort of feeling like you have one big fucking answer to this." After Josiah was saying that, I was looking at him, as if trying to find out I could be able to take advantage of this, but did not want to even bother with this.
"That might be fun." I said, and then I was seeing Josiah looking like there was no way in hell he was going to be able to entertain that idea. There was no way in hell that there was anything fun about the idea of doing what they were doing, but in all honesty, I was seeing that he was aware that if he was going to try and push the subject, he might have been making things much worse for me, and that he was not even going to bother with this.
"It is something you might think is fun at first, until you get onto this." After Josiah told me this, he was rubbing his eyes, as if looking like he was already tired of talking about random shit to us, and that he was wanting to get over this whole thing.
As he was seeing this, I was seeing that there was something that was coming by that made him stop this whole thing, almost thinking that maybe he was just needing to fucking check what was going on. "Wait a second, I think that maybe I can see something." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him standing up, and I was having no idea what the issue was, but from the look on his face, I knew that he was not really messing around either, and that he was wanting to actually be serious about this.
"What is going on?" I asked, and then Josiah was just walking to the door of the house, and I was seeing him slowly opening it up, and I was wanting to see what was going on, but at the same time, I was feeling like, and already kind of dreading that I knew what the answer was, and that he did not need to tell me what was going on, and that maybe I would just have to play along, and pretend like I was being a idiot here.
"Don't worry about it." Josiah was telling me, and I was feeling like maybe he was taking this whole don't worry thing to a new level that might have been a bit much, but at the same time, I was feeling like he was just trying to pretend like everything could have been all fine and dandy.
When I was just wanting to see what Josiah was up to, I was sort of mentally debating two different things, and what I was wanting to do, to sort of just see if what I was assuming had any form of correct assumption. But at the same time, if it really was the exact same thing as I had been expecting, I was feeling like this might not have been worth it.
As he was waiting for another couple of seconds, I was seeing Josiah slowly nodding, pretending like he was alright with this whole thing, but his look was something that was clearly making him start to regret ever coming along and telling Seth that nothing was a problem, and that there was something about him that nearly wanted to apologize to him, and get him to know that this was not a huge fucking deal, and that he should have listened to his brother the whole time.
"What are you going to do about it?" I asked, scared out of my fucking mind on what Josiah was going to do. I was scared for what my brother was wanting to do, and I was feeling like I needed to just make sure that he was not going to do anything that would get him in danger. No matter what I was feeling about the rest of the subject, I was feeling like this was something that I did indeed need to look into, and try and get a answer on.
"I am going to try and find Seth and his friends. Thankfully he told me what they were up to, and I think that I might need to talk with them, and see what I can do to help them out." After Josiah was telling me this, I saw him looking right at me, and then he was looking like he had needed to find something else to say, but that this was just going to be a bit fucking out there, and not fucking going to be accomplishing anything.
"What is going on with Seth and his friends?" I asked, worried about what was going on, and I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to get to know what the hell Josiah was trying to accomplish. I was feeling like no matter what was going to happen, Josiah was going to be acting like everything was fine. I was feeling like Josiah was just not wanting to admit to how scary this whole thing could have been, because that would expose how he was truly feeling.
"I think that whatever they are doing is not safe. I think that they could actually be in danger." After Josiah had told me this, I was seeing that there was something he was wanting to say, but that maybe he was just going to have to leave the whole thing alone. That if he was going to try and get any deeper into this, then he would have not believed in what he was doing. I wanted Josiah to just tell me something, and just give me a answer, but he was not going to do that, no matter what.
What was going on was actually starting to piss me off. He was not telling me anything, and he was just leaving me alone, hanging, and feeling like I needed to know what was happening. But at the same time, if I was getting Josiah to tell me more, then I might have been doing something wrong. "I think that I need to stop whatever I am doing and get to him as fast as possible." After he was saying this to me, I was unable to wrap my mind around anything, and that I was just wanting him to give me a fucking answer, no matter what was going on now.
"Josiah, can I come along?" I asked, and I was seeing him looking a bit unsure of what to tell me. He clearly looked like he was wanting out of this, but that I was not going to leave him alone, and that he was just going to have to find a alternate solution that could have been able to really get out of him here.
"I might have no choice but to let you come along. I just hope that nothing happens that make some regret that choice." After Josiah was saying this to me, I was feeling like I just needed for Josiah to sort of let me feel like a natural part of this whole thing, but I knew that there was no way he was going to waiver because of me, and that he had already made his choice on the whole matter in the first place.
"But you will not tell anybody what is going on. You will let this be a story just between me, you, and Seth." Once he was done with this, I was seeing him holding his finger up, and I was seeing that there was no point in trying to stop him from doing this, and then he was sort of feeling like there was virtually no reason to keep any of this up in the first place. But then Josiah was walking out of the house, and I was following him and he picked me up.
The whole thing was just a bit strange, and that I was feeling like maybe I just needed to try and see what the hell the whole point to this could have been. But at the same time, I was feeling like I did not want to really know where this was going to go, and I was feeling like if I just remained quiet, I might have a small chance to be safe, and I might be able to have a small chance of being able to keep up a composed presentation at the moment.
We were walking along, and I was feeling like the next question I would ask him was going to be a very important one. "What will you do there?" Once I was done asking him this question, he looked at me, as if feeling like he was wanting to find something good to say to me, and make me feel like he was sort of having a actual answer to what I was asking him, but at the same time, this whole thing was going to be fucking impossible to handle.
I was feeling like maybe Josiah was needing to find out more of what was really going on. "I think that I am going to just make sure that nothing is going on. I am just going to be there to protect him, even if he does not want it. I do not care or know what he is going to see, and I don't fucking care. I have no choice but to work like this." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him just a bit confused, but decided to not even pursue this whole thing any further.
"Just no matter what happens, I am going to do everything I can to make sure that this does not get any worse or harder for him." After he was done telling me this, I saw him shaking his head, clearly just looking like he was going to be doing whatever it took to keep up his sleep schedule and not be afraid.
Eventually, we were at the area where the park would be, and I was seeing that Josiah was getting a very serious posture, and I was seeing that no matter what he was going to do, he was going to be making sure that nothing happened to me, and that nothing happened to him as well. This was all that he had wanted and needed to do at this rate.
"I will see how they are doing, and maybe stick around for a couple of minutes, and when I am done, and I feel like I have fulfilled my purpose, I will be heading back again." After Josiah was telling me this, I decided to not even say anything further, not even sure if I was wanting to talk to him on this, or if I was wanting to know what the issue was, since there was a part of me that was feeling like I just needed to let him be this way.
"Josiah, how are you feeling?" I decided to try and speak to him, and see if I could help him out here, and see if maybe I was going to get his perspective now, and I was needing to just get him to open up, and I was scared that Josiah had a fucking fear in his mind, and that he was going to let this fear get in the way of being a normal person, let the fear get in the way of his rational thinking here.
"I am feeling alright. I think that I need to just not make anything worse for us though. Once I know that he is doing alright, I will head out again, and I will just let him enjoy his time with his friends. I do not want to bother him, and I doubt he wants to be bothered by me, so in order for both of us to happy, I am doing it this way." After Josiah was telling me this, I was remaining quiet, just trying to wrap my mind around what was happening now.
We were looking around, and I was seeing that Seth was hanging around with a couple of people, and when we were both looking, I did not know what was making Josiah look the way he had been, or if I was wanting to waste my time on this, but there was something about the way he was looking, to sort of show that there was a level of happiness with him, even if I did not know why he was feeling this way.
I would later figure out that he was just glad to know that Seth was being happy, and that there was something making him feel better. For the first time, Seth was looking like and feeling like he was not worthless, and that there was somebody in his life would have been able to at least make him feel like a decently funny guy. It was the best they could get now.
…
-Jan 17 1994 9:26 pm- I was thinking that the involvement that Seth adn Josiah had over what the hell I had seen last night had been pretty much going away. I did not think too much on it, and I was feeling like I might be able to just sort of put it all behind me, and that maybe Seth was just doing something that kind of worried Josiah, and this made him feel like he needed to try and be a protective older brother, and that this was the best that he could do.
I was feeling like I did not even need to pretend like I was aware of what was going on, and that I could be able to just put it all behind me. It was something that would have sounded great in theory, and I wanted to do just that, but it was going to be impossible to ever get over it truly compared to what life was like in the future, following everything that had happened.
I was feeling like maybe all of this was just a strange idea, and that maybe given enough time, I would be able to put it all behind me, and just be able to pretend like none of this is really actually happening, and despite the initial thrill this whole idea may have given me, part of me was feeling a bit more realistic, and that maybe this was the worst thing that could be able to happen to us now.
So when I was feeling all of this, and I was feeling like I would be able to just put it all behind me, and I was feeling like virtually none of this was going to even fucking mattered. But this was always being challenged every single fucking day when I was younger, until I was older and was forced to believe it all a bit more than I had ever wanted to do. This was due to the fact that the day after the whole park thing, Seth and Josiah had yet another talk, and this time, Josiah was sounding like he was borderline tears.
"Seth, I never wanted to doubt you, and here I am, acting like what you had said was a big lie, and now I feel like I made a giant mistake doing this." After Josiah was saying that to Seth, I was clearly able to see Seth just looking totally confused what was going on, and I was seeing that there was nothing that Josiah was telling him that made him even remotely able to understand what was going on.
"What are you talking about? This is making no sense whatsoever." After Seth was saying this to Josiah, he was looking a bit confused, and was more just wanting a explanation than anything else. As this was happening, Josiah was looking a bit unsure of what to say, and then he was feeling like there was more he needed to say to get Seth to hear what his issues were.
"You are telling me about the fact that there were really scary people at the house, and that nothing was going on. I don't know what is going on, and I don't know why it is going on. But it is true. I can see that there is indeed something going on, and I think that maybe we need to be a bit more careful here." After Josiah was saying this to Seth, he was looking at his younger brother, trying to find a way to make this sound more presentable in his own way.
"What makes you suddenly so sure this is going on, when just a day ago, you were telling me that I should not be so worried about it?" Seth was asking, and then Josiah was looking like he was aware that the way he was going to have to go at this would have been a bit harder than he would have dreamed, but that he was just feeling like helping his younger brother was the most important thing to talk about.
"Because I saw the guy in the yard, and I slowly remembered a bunch of the stuff that I had to deal with when I saw him. Then I ended up vaguely recalling some other things going on at the town, and I think that something might be going on. I don't know what Gabe knows, or the others, but I think that I need to help you check." After Josiah was saying this to Seth, he was looking at Seth, and he was looking like he was wanting to see what Seth would have said to this idea in the first place.
He decided not to say anything, which might have been a good choice, since Josiah was going to reveal to not be done with what he was saying, and that he was still having a ways to go. "I saw you at the park, since I had felt like I needed to try and tell you that I had changed my mind. But I did not want to risk making you annoyed and angry at me, and I did not want to deal with you yelling at me, and acting like what I was doing was really rude."
That was the part that made Seth look like he was having enough of this whole thing. "You were going around and snooping on what me and my friends were doing. I don't know why you are suddenly caring so much over something so simple and minor, when you were acting like I was acting like a idiot for doing this stuff, and then now you are suddenly trying to act like you were a member of the team?" After Seth was asking this, I was seeing Josiah himself looking a bit unsure of what he was going to say.
"I just wanted to do what was right. What I was at least thinking could have been right. But I guess that maybe you are just unsure of what to tell me now, and that you are a bit upset at me, just because I wanted to do what was best for this house now." After Josiah was saying this to Seth, I was seeing him clearly a bit upset, and I was seeing that the two were just clearly trying to justify their own reactional feelings, despite the fact that both of them had every right to feel this way.
"Sorry for freaking out on you. I mean, I am just trying to find a way to get through this whole thing. But I guess that maybe I just need a moment to get over it. I just wanted to understand what you were doing. I am just a bit scared of everything, and when I find out that you guys are going around, and snooping in on me, and just trying to see what was going on, I did not know what to believe." After Seth was saying this, I was seeing him looking like he was needing to find a better way to go on this, but that this was just impossible.
"I just think that maybe I need to not get in the way of what you guys are doing. But I feel like this whole thing is just fucking impossible. I just feel like I need to find something a bit better for my friends, and I know you guys can handle yourselves, so that is what I am mainly focused on." After Seth was saying this, he had looked right at Josiah, clearly just wishing that Josiah would be leaving him a bit alone on this now.
"I think that there is one thing that we can agree on. And that we are just wanting to be there for our family, no matter what it is going on. I mean, when I see how much things are just gotten worse, and I see how much things in this life are really actually messed up, I can't help but wonder if mom and dad are actually wanting to tell us something else, or if they are going to just sort of brush it all off. If they are going to pretend like we are just sort of making something out of nothing." Josiah had said, clearly sort of wondering what the hell we were even going to be getting out of this now. I was just seeing that in a way, Josiah was just looking tired.
"How much do you think mom and dad actually would know what is going anyways, if we were to try and speak with them in the first place. I mean, I think that if we try and talk with them, they might be fucking pissed at us, and they might be sort of let us express our emotions, but that might just be a way for them to see if we have gone crazy." Seth said, sighing, feeling like he clearly had no business talking any further, and that he was going to risk annoying Josiah now.
"I think dad is clearly aware of something. I mean, you might be too young to remember it, and I don't remember it too well, but I remember our brothers reactions, Gabe and Todd's, and they were acting like they were both relieved and scared out of their fucking mind that was something was going on when Lydia was adopted." Josiah told Seth, and that looked that Seth gave was one of actual horror, as if scared of the fact that Josiah had said that.
"Do you actually believe that something is going on with dad? Do you really honestly believe that he might be up to something? I think that maybe you need to try and be realistic about this." After Seth was saying this, I was clearly able to tell even at two that this was a voice of denial. A voice of trying to repress what was going on. Trying to repress the truth in a way.
"I might not be the smartest tool in the sheed, but I am smart enough to know when dad might be lying to me. I mean, he doesn't do it all the time, but he sometimes does it when he feels like what he is doing is actually for the best to do this." After Josiah was telling Seth this, I was seeing the younger of the two brothers looking like he was just trying to find something to say, at all to show himself as a braver guy.
"I don't know. I mean, maybe what you're saying is true. I think I need to think about this a bit more. I mean, if something is going on with dad, and he does know something, I think we need to get him to tell us the truth." After Seth was saying this, I was seeing Josiah looking horrified at this idea, like it was the worst one.
"I think that we should not do this. I mean, it might help to know what dad is scared of, and I would want to know, and I would want to know what he knows, if anything, but I think that we need to just let him do his own thing." Josiah was saying, and Seth was looking so confused at what Josiah was meaning to this, and why he would even suggest this.
"I think that this is a really big mistake. I mean, if you believe in this, I guess that I can't stop you, but I think that maybe we need to look at all the options first." After Seth was saying this, I was seeing him trying to look natural, but then he was sighing, feeling like there was no need to even try and speak any further, in the fear that Josiah was going to tell him off, and tell him that he was wrong to even believe in what he was suggesting.
"I know you might be acting like this is all fine, to just ignore some obvious facts, and clear as day issues, but I think we need to look at all the options here." After Josiah was saying this to Seth, the two of them were looking like they were just too equally afraid of what to even say next to both think that maybe it was just best not to say anything at all.
"I think that talking with him might still not be a bad idea. I mean, sure he might say no, but I mean, what is the issue of trying at least? At least if we try, then we can know for sure what he is wanting to do." After Seth was saying that to Josiah, I was just seeing him looking like he was sticking rather firm to this whole thing, even if Seth was going to alienate Josiah on this whole entire thing.
"I don't know. I will have to think on it a bit. I mean, I guess that it might not be the end of the world, but I still feel like it might be a bad idea." After he was saying that to Seth, I was seeing him just sort of looking like he was wanting to find something else to say, but was just totally fucking lost on what to do. As if there was some validity to it all.
"I mean, I guess that in a way, it might not be a terrible idea though. I think that maybe if we wanted to try, we can make it all work out." After Josiah was saying this, I saw him looking like there was something that he did not want to say, but he was feeling like he was needing to at least try, and that maybe if he brought up this idea, then Seth might agree with this.
"I think we can finally get Gabe to open up about what he knows. If we get him to tell us what is going on, then maybe we might be able to get to know something, and he might be able to just let us know what is issue is, and that might help us out a bit better." After Josiah was saying this to Seth, that was when Seth looked like he was genuinely thinking that something like this might not have been a bad idea.
"I think it will require a lot for him to open up though. I think if you want him to talk with us, he might be forcing us to just pretty form of a silent oath or something silly like that." After Seth was saying this to Josiah, that was when Josiah was sighing, and felt like there was a form of validity to what he had been saying.
"Seth, don't worry about this honestly. I think you need to just relax a bit. I think that there is something that is happening that you might not want to know, and that if you force yourself into knowing, you might be making a huge issue out of this whole thing." After Josiah had been telling Seth that, there was a look that the two brothers shared, and I was seeing that Seth was just not buying it at all.
"I don't think I will be able to leave it alone. Even if something like this is wise, I think that I could go crazy if I did not know the truth." After Seth said that, I was seeing that he was just looking a bit heartbroken to tell Josiah that, knowing that if he said this, there might be a level of annoyance, and maybe even flat out anger that Josiah was going to be having to Seth here, and he was sort of hoping to avoid it now.
"Josiah, I mean, I appreciate what is going on, and I am appreciate the fact that you are trying to make me feel better, but this is hard for me to do. I think I am going to just have to find out what the truth is here, and see if there is a way I can get out of this." After Seth was saying this to his brother, he was seeing Josiah looking mildly just over it, and that there was no way he would get Seth to change his mind, and that he was not even going to try and do that anymore. Almost as if feeling like this might have been fucking pointless.
I was seeing that the two brothers were looking like there was nothing keeping them sane or together, and that they needed to just hide their sadness, their anger, and their confusion to this. After this was happening, the two of them were going to their room, either to debate this away from everybody else, or to actually go to bed for real, and not be thinking about something like this anymore.
…
-Jan 18 1994 2:05 pm- I was honestly unsure of what the heck was going on with my brothers, and to be honest, I would never want to know. It was scary to know my brothers were almost ready to get themselves killed over virtually fucking nothing, because they had wanted to go along with the idea of finding out some random fucking answer that will make no fucking sense.
But despite all I was feeling, I was feeling like as long as I did not think about it too much, and I just reminded myself that I was a young kid, and barely able to do anything, then I would be able to get away with it all. I decided that I would not make a big deal out of it, for my safety more than anything else.
Eventually, I was seeing Henry for the first time in a couple of days, and I was seeing that his left hand was having some form of white wrapping around it. I was so fucking confused, and I was wanting to know what was going on. But at the same time, I was fearing that if I asked him anything, he would be annoyed and angry at me, and act like I was just getting in his business for no real reason, and he would be telling me to go away pretty much.
But despite what I was wanting to do, and just tell myself that none of this even mattered, I was seeing how much Henry was looking like he was wincing mildly, as if he was in some form of pain. I was feeling like this might have had something to do with the fact that he dealt with that guy earlier, because I had no idea what broken hands were in that time frame.
I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to pretend like I did not want to say anything, but I was feeling like if I did not say anything to him, he was going to be able to not get mad at me, but he would not have anybody at his side, and he would be probably getting in more pain than he would have been already.
Turns out that I did not need to go on and speak to him, and that he was going to have Lydia turning up, and pretty much pressure him to tell her some stuff, and that when she was talking to him, there was a part of him that would be just trying to act not annoyed.
"Hey Henry, what has been going on the last couple of days? I saw that you had a cast, but did not want to bother you." After she had said that to Henry, that was when Henry was looking at her, and he was using his decent hand to rub his eyes, to try and be feeling better about what he was going to tell her, even if such a thing would not have been possible.
"Honestly, I think it might have to do with what the fucking hell is going on in this town. I mean, for fuck sake, I am coming along and I was forced into something with all of my older siblings, and I ended up being the one who paid the price. And guess what, nobody cares since I'm a little kid, and who cares what little kids thinks?" Henry said, and for the first time in my life, I heard him angry, and clearly just trying to not show it too well.
"I'm sorry that this happened. I did not think that something would have happened to you. I was just truing to do something good. I had no intention to hurt you." After she had said that to Henry, I was seeing that the younger brother just did not want to say more, and that he was clearly just trying to hide his annoyance, but that maybe he was also thinking of something.
"It's not your fault. I need to remember that. You were just sort of following along with what our older siblings were doing. If it was your fault, I would hate you. But it wasn't, and I can't." After Henry was saying that to Lydia, she was looking at him, as if worried about the fact that he was openly admitting that he might hate some of the siblings, the ones that indirectly led to something like this happening.
"Lydia, what are you planning on doing now? I have a feeling that there is something going on, and I kind of just want you to get it over with." Henry said, looking right at her, and he was wondering what she was going to be telling him now. She was looking at him, as if feeling like way she was being attacked at was going to be hard to handle.
"I was just wanting to help you out feel better. But I am worried for your sake. Henry, I mean, you broke your hand, and you are probably suffering because of it." After she was saying this to Henry, her younger brother looked at her, and when he was looking at her eyes, he was able to see that she was actually sort of meaning it this time.
"I don't know what to be feeling right now. I feel so fucking angry at the way that people have been going at me, and I feel like I deserved to have something better. But I guess that something like this is just not going to happen." After Henry was saying this, there was clearly a level of annoyance that he was showing, but he was wondering if Lydia would get it.
"Henry, I know that you probably are angry at Gabe, and that he is doing something to really piss you off, but I think that maybe you need to be more nice and fair to us all." After Lydia was saying this, she was looking at him, and Henry was just looking tired of this, and like he was just needing to make her let him go.
"I am not angry at Gabe. He is the only reason why I am still here right now." After Henry was saying this to Lydia, he was looking at her, wondering what to be hearing now. He was angry at her, and he was wanting her to leave him alone, but in a way, he was just not even caring at that moment now.
"I do not even want to know what that means." After Lydia was saying this to Henry, he was looking at her, kind of wondering what the heck she was trying to accomplish here in the first place. Considering the fact that she was all over the place with the way that she was looking at him here.
"Good, because I don't want to talk about it. I am sick of talking about it to everybody." After Henry was saying that to her, she was looking at him, and she was wondering clearly if there was going to be something that she would be able to say to make him feel better. But at the same time, she was sighing, just feeling like it would not even be worth it now.
"Sorry for anything that maybe have happened to you." After Lydia was saying this to Henry, she was finally looking like she was just needing to be leaving this alone, and that maybe if she did not get in his business on it, then it would have been getting so much worse. I was just feeling like I needed to know more, but was scared to do this.
"I don't know what to be feeling anymore. I feel like every time people show up and talk with me, they are going to want to know the story. So glad I am not in school yet." Henry was saying, and then he was standing up, and looking right at Lydia, as if feeling like there was something else that was going on that he needed to talk about.
"I think that when I see my younger brothers, looking sad and like they want to go out and do something, but when I am here, I feel so confused." After Henry was done saying that, he was wondering what the heck was even going on. He was feeling like there was going to be no way in hell Lydia would be able to see where he was coming from.
"You are fine. It is not your fault." After Lydia was saying this, she was done feeling a bit worried, and she was feeling a bit excited to just see how Henry was going to be able to bring it all together. Then he was hugging her for a moment, unsure of what to do.
"Well, thanks for being there for me." Once Henry said that to Lydia, he was looking at her, wondering what she was going to be telling him, and if there was even anything that there was to say. Henry was looking sort of just wanting to get over it.
"I try to be there for my brothers. Even the older ones." After Lydia said that to Henry, he was looking at her, and he was happy to hear her being like this, and he was able to respect her maturity to this whole thing. In a way, he was kind of angry at himself for not being able to respect her much more now.
"Thanks. It makes me feel much better to know that. I mean, you are one of the nicest people I know." Henry said, and then he was scratching his head, as if feeling like there was no more need to speak any longer, and he was sort of done with it all. He was feeling like he was sort of wishing that he was able to be nicer to Lydia eventually.
"Lydia, I think that maybe we should find something that is going on here." After Henry said that to Lydia, he was wondering what the heck Lydia was going to tell him here. He was feeling like she was needing to take it more seriously, and that she was needing to be seeing where he had been coming from.
"You should be with your friends." After Henry said that to Lydia, she was looking at him, and he was sort of just wanting to be more respectful about this, but this was just something that would have been going down a rough path. But in a way, Henry looked worried about something else. As if he was feeling like there was something more important that he needed to be focused on.
"I might as well. Do something with them, and enjoy my day off." Lydia was saying this to him, he was looking a bit happier to know that there was going to be a part of her that was able to just enjoy everything that was going on here. Henry was feeling like if he was wishing to say more, he would have gone crazy, and there was nothing that could have been said now.
"How is Claire?" Henry asked, and he was referring to what he had happened with her family, and he was feeling like he had needed to know the answer before he left her alone. She was looking at him, as if feeling like what she had been forced to remember was something that she was going to hate, and that she had hated the fact that Henry brought it up in the first place.
"She is doing alright, all things considered. I just wish that maybe I did something better. But I guess that complaining about it will not make any difference. I wanted to do something to make her feel better, but I think that time is the thing that heals the wounds." After Lydia told him this, he was nodding, as if there was nothing else to say now.
"I just was worried that she was going to be having a major issue with everything going on. But Lydia, just tell her that I am sorry." After Henry had said that, he knew that it was not going to be making any difference, but in a way, he was just not caring. He was wanting to make her feel better, and he was going to do anything to make this actually work.
"Nothing is going on though. I mean, not anymore." After Lydia was telling him this, he was nodding, feeling like he needed to trust her on what had been going on, and I was seeing Lydia walking out of the house, and I was feeling like maybe once I was going to talk with them longer, and I was going to talk a bit more, and see what the issue was, I would have know what Lydia was so scared of. Since I barely had any idea what had been the subject of debate in the first place, and why Lydia was so sad.
…
-Jan 19 1994 10:50 pm- I was sort of just wondering how much longer people were going to be talking over and over again about the strange things going on at town, but that was just feeling sort of impossible to actually understand what was going to be happening. I was feeling like I just had needed to find a way to keep it a bit safe with my siblings, but I had needed a proper answer for my own sanity, just sort of unsure what to believe now.
As this was something that I was feeling like I needed to just put behind me, I was seeing that my other older brothers were looking like they were sort of just kind of tired, and that there was no real reason to be making a huge issue out of this whole thing. I was seeing that Gabe was heading out of the house, probably thinking that enough time had passed to where he would have been able to get away with it, and not make a big issue with him here.
As Gabe was at the door, I was hearing another one of my siblings, Jack, calling out to him. This was when Gabe was turning around to just look at Jack, and wondering what the point of this was going to be. He had just needed to see what Jack was wanting to talk about, and see if there was something that they needed to discuss in a deeper manner.
"What is going on?" Gabe asked, seemingly fine with this interruption, and Jack decided that he would tell Gabe a small truth that he was too scared to admit earlier, but had felt like he had just needed to fucking get the point across. That if he did not do this, he was only going to make things much worse for him and the others in the family.
"I was wanting to confess something to you. You know, to sort of clear up the air." After Jack was telling him this, Gabe just looked at him confused as hell, and was wondering what Jack was going to try and accomplish about any of this. Then with that, he was just getting ready to get right to the point.
"I did follow you a couple of weeks ago at the town, and I saw you getting inside one of the cars with the men in black. I thought that doing this might have kept you safe, but I realize now how silly that is." After he was telling Gabe this, there was a clearly form of fear that Gabe was having here, and that he was wondering what the hell Jack was trying to accomplish here.
"I was just trying to make sure that nothing to happen to you, and I think that maybe that was just a big mistake. And I know what you're thinking. That this is related to that one time we both had to deal with that guy, and that maybe you think I am just being a bit pointless right now. But there was one more after that." After Jack was telling Gabe this, that was when Gabe had started to look much different to this.
"What did you think you were getting out of this? Did you really think that you were going to find any answers? I think that you were setting yourself up for a big failure just by thinking that in the first place." After Gabe was telling Jack this, he was waiting for Jack to actually respond, but in a way, he was just worried about saying anything at all, and that he was just wanting to help Gabe feel a bit better.
"I was just wanting to make sure that nothing happened to you. I mean, I saw you going around, crazy, and just acting fucking over the top, and like some hero, and I was wanting to see if maybe I could have been able to help you out." After Jack was saying this, he was wondering if Gabe was going to respond at all, or if Gabe was just going to tell him to stop doing this, and leave him alone.
"Well, what did you think you learned by not leaving me alone?" Gabe asked, sort of capturing a half way point in this, wanting to see if maybe he was going to get Jack to open up longer, and see if maybe Jack was just wanting to say more, but was worried how he would have reacted.
"Listen, I do not agree with you constantly going around, and trying to find out what I am doing, but I appreciate the fact that you are caring so much to want to see the truth. I think that you doing this is the best that somebody can give me, even if I do not have to like it." After Gabe said that, he was sighing, feeling like he was just going to have to see what else Jack wanted to even say in the first place, or leave it alone.
"I mean, I was just worried about the conversation you had with that one guy, and I did not feel right not getting some form of information first." After Jack was telling Gabe this, he was looking at Gabe, as if feeling like maybe he was just needing to see what Gabe would have said there.
"Jack, I am going to have everything taken care of. I know that something like this might be hard to believe, and I know that maybe I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I am not going to be letting anything happen to you guys. I am going to make sure that no matter what happens, you will have a chance on making it out fine." After Gabe had said that, he was wondering if Jack was going to try and say anything to that.
"I just wanted to see if there was something that I could have said to somebody in case you were in danger. I never wanted to be making you feel like I was pushing you along, and forced to take care of me." After Jack was telling Gabe this, he was wondering if Gabe was going to be listening to what he had just said now.
"I think that if you want to do something for me, and I mean it, is to just stay away so you can stay safe, and if something happens to me, then you will still be safe. I think that this is the best that I can hope for. Is to just make sure that nothing happens to you, and I do not want to make you feel like you are being pushed into this." After Gabe was telling Jack this, he was waiting to see how Jack was going to react to the idea of not doing something.
"Honestly, I just did not know that you were feeling better without having me around, and that you were feeling better being alone." After Jack was saying this to Gabe, there was clearly a small level of hurt being shown here, and Gabe was looking down, as if feeling like virtually nothing that was going to be said would be making Jack feel better, and he was just trying to find a way to get out of this relatively safe.
"I know that you really want to be a hero, and I get it. I want to be a hero in my own way. But I refuse to do it if it means that something is going to happen to you guys. I need to go along and just see what I can do here. But Jack, I want you to promise me one thing..." After Gabe was saying that to Jack, that was when Jack looked at him, as if confused where this was going to go, but wanted to give Gabe a try and make it work out.
"I just want to talk with the guys who are talking with me, and maybe when I clear things up with them, everything will be alright. I just want to see if maybe I can get them to understand what I am feeling, and what I want to do here, and I genuinely want to make sure that maybe the two of us could be able to come up with some middle ground." He was looking like he had no idea where this was going, but did not even care.
"It is the least that I can do, is to try and see if maybe I can get these guys to talk with me, and see if maybe we can agree on some things, to keep you guys safe." After Gabe was done saying this, he was shaking his head, as if feeling like such a thing was going to be fucking impossible, but that he was almost just not even caring what anybody said.
"Be safe, no matter what is going on. I want to see you come home." After Jack was telling Gabe this, that was when Gabe was clearly looking like some part of this was striking him hard. Almost more than he was wanting to admit. But as this was happening, he was looking at Jack, totally unsure where to go now.
"I am going to remember that. Maybe I just need to remember being safe is going to be the best that I can do now." After Gabe was saying this, I was seeing him looking like he was hating the fact that he was admitting his best performance was going to be something that little, and I was feeling like Gabe wanted more.
"What are you going to do if you are not safe?" Jack asked, worried about what Gabe was going to tell him, and then Gabe gave him a long and solemn look, clearly just trying to find a way to make it look like he was not too worried about what anybody was going to be saying about him behind his back or anything.
"I am going to make sure that nothing happens to you guys. I am going to just talk with these guys, and I am going to make it clear with them that I want nothing to happen with you all, no matter what the other stuff turns out to be, keeping you guys safe, and keeping you guys away from what I am doing is all that matters." He said, sighing, and then he was looking at the door, as if almost regretting ending this talk now.
"Honestly, I don't even want to talk about what it would be like if things failed. I fucking hate the fear of failing you guys. But I guess that nothing matters anymore. I just wanted to make you guys happy." After Gabe said that to him, he was sighing a second time in the matter of like ten seconds, and then he was looking at the door, just trying to think on what it would be like to keep his siblings safe, and to make sure that they were going to avoid fear of anything happening to them.
"I really do need to head out now. If I waste another minute, I will be going crazy, and I will feel like I am being unproductive." After Gabe was done saying this, part of him felt small regret for ending the conversation like this, but he was just wanting to make the point clear that he was needing to get out of there, and he was wanting to make it loud and clear that this was his intention, even if Jack would have been a bit offended by this whole thing.
"Hopefully I see you tomorrow." Gabe said, finally feeling like he was done with this talk, and then left before Jack could even say a fucking word more, and then Jack was just watching, as if feeling like he had failed Gabe, and that he could have done more, but that he just did not cut the plate when it really mattered.
"You will see me tomorrow. I will make sure of it." After Gabe said that to Jack, he was walking off, and I was feeling like that might have been the worst thing to say, in the chance that this promise was going to fail, and I was wondering if Gabe was just saying that to tell himself something else, or if he was truly believing that something like this was going to be happening any time soon. But I could not say anything of it at all.
Eventually, Jack was just sitting down on a edge of the couch, and he was looking so sad at what was going on that even at my younger age I was able to tell how much this was going to be getting to him. I wanted to help him out here, but I was feeling like I was going to be seen as a hassle, and that he was not really wanting to listen to me here.
So with that, I was sighing, and decided that no matter what was going on, and no matter if they were needing to hear somebody talk with them, I would not even fucking bother with this at all. I would not even want to pretend like I could do something that could help them out, since it would fail.
As I was coming to that conclusion, I was seeing that maybe Jack was just needing to have somebody to talk to, and that maybe I could bring it up casually to like Henry or something, since he was the one that shared a room with Jack, and I was feeling like maybe if I tried to connect the two here, they would listen to each other, and they were even going to talk, and sort of come to something of a understanding there.
I did not know how likely something like this was going to be, but I did not care. I was feeling like as long as I was going to be speaking to them, and forcing something of a discussion to be made, then I would be doing the best that I could. I was smiling at the idea that I was going to be helping my brothers, and I was wanting to keep that mental image up a bit longer, and that everything could have been alright.
I was wanting to know the truth, and I was feeling like these conversations were all that I was able to do to make sure that I could get that truth. I was wondering what was happening here, and I was feeling like once I was going to get the truth here, and once I got them to finally open up, I would be able to keep things up. But I was feeling like I just needed to see if the truth was even going to be coming up soon enough.
I was thinking that maybe I was going to be leaving this whole thing alone. I was thinking that the moment that this was all said and done with, I was going to be going to bed, and I was going to let dreams of what was happening sort of take me away. I was feeling like maybe something like this could have been the best that I would have been able to do. I was just wishing to see where this could have been heading.
I was just sort of heading to the crib, and I was going to head to sleep, and I was feeling like when I was going to bed, I was going to be having a moment that could keep us happier. I just wished to find a way to sort of get them to tell me the truth, and when they would tell me the truth enough, I would be happier, and I would sort of see how much of it was valid anyways.
…
-Jan 20 1994 4:06 pm- I eventually was sort of wondering what the heck I was going to do now. I was finally just sick and tired of people going around, and just acting like this was fine, and I was feeling like I had needed to finally just get a solid answer on what was even happening. I was wanting to hang out with my brothers, and I was wanting to help them out, but I fucking refused to do something unless if I fucking knew what the hell was going on here.
There was something that was going on that finally started to put us in the test, and that I was just needing to try and make some peace here, and while I knew that this was going to be a rather rough road, but I was needing to just make it very clear that I was not going to be taking no for an answer, and that I was really needing for them to just tell me what their issue was, and then I would finally start to put two and two together.
I was seeing that Todd was going to do something that I was assuming would be another date. I was able to make that assumption because I was seeing him looking like he was on top of the fucking world. I was seeing Todd was probably going to be seeing Bebe or something like that, and when I was seeing him like this, and just looking like he was going to be doing so fucking well, I decided that maybe I just needed to let him be doing his own thing, and that I needed to not get in the way of this.
But despite what I was feeling at that moment, I was feeling like I just needed to get to talk with him for a moment, and I was feeling like when I spoke with him, he might be willing to just tell me what the main issue was, and then I would see what he was going to be doing with Bebe, and if he knew what was going on with our brothers.
And if he did not not, then I might be able to help him learn more, and then I would be able to help him figure out what the heck he was supposed to do to make some sense out of this. I was walking up to him, and then Todd looked at me, just trying to figure out what the heck I was going to be saying to him. I decided that I was just going to be honest with him, for better or for worse.
"Are you going out with Bebe?" I asked, and then Todd looked at me and then he was nodding when he had realized that it was me, and felt like maybe I had a valid reason to ask him since I was not fully aware what he was doing all the time and stuff. He was just looking like there was nothing in the world that was making him more excited than just going out and seeing her for a bit.
"Yeah, going to be seeing her right now. We were planning on maybe just doing some stuff to sort of defuse from everything that was going on, and just take a bit of a break, and I feel like I need that more than anything else in the world." Todd said, and then he was looking at me, and shaking his head, as if feeling like he could give me some advice that would still be sort of looking like it was able to be presented as a joke.
"Don't have eleven kids. You are going to have no idea what you will be forcing the oldest one to get into, and he or she will probably feel like you are just not taking care of them enough as it was." After Tod was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was being totally serious about what I was being told, and that he was wanting to sort of make it sound funny, but the over all point of what he was saying was far from a fucking joke.
"What is the issue?" I asked, trying to make it seem like I did not know what the issue to doing this had been. Todd was looking at me, and then he sighed, as if feeling like that was only going to be the start to talking with me on all of this, but that he did not want to bore the hell out of me on this quite yet. "Why not have so many kids?"
"Well it is really hard to handle with the money. Like really hard. And then not only that, but you will feel like you should be doing more, but are failing to do it. You feel like you should have been there fo your siblings, but that you need to work a job to make sure they are able to have a easier life, and then you just feel like everything is going all over the fucking place. It's just a bit hard is all, and I think you would understand when you have some." Todd said, and then he was smiling for a moment, almost getting over it already in substitute for something more fun.
"Are you and Bebe going to be having a good time?" I asked, with Todd looking at me, and he was clearly looking like that was the plan, and that if this was not happening, he would be more sad than he would ever really want to admit. So when I was seeing him like that, I decided that maybe I should just remain silent for a moment longer. To make sure I did not bother him.
"We are going to have a great time I believe. I mean, there is something about the stuff that we do that makes me feel like I really am connected with what she enjoys, and I feel like she also is connected with what I enjoy. We are connected, and that is what matters." After Todd said that to me, I was seeing him just wanting to say more, but was feeling like if he did say more, I would be lost, and I would be just sort of losing it all.
"What do you believe about the people who come here?" I asked, and then Todd was looking at me, and he was clearly looking a bit worried what I was talking about, and I was seeing that there was a part of him that was just wanting to see what I was talking about, or if I had gone totally crazy here. And if I was lying in a way.
"The men in black." I said, and then I was just feeling like once I had further clarified what I was talking about, I was seeing Todd looking a bit more uneasy at what I was talking about, as if he was really wanting to just not even hear me talk about this, in fear of the fact that I was going to be making this whole thing worse. But he was sighing, thinking he might as well tell me what the issue was to this.
"I think you should not look too deeply into this. I mean, I barely even know what is going on. If I barely know what is going on, then I think you should not bother getting into this. I think you need to be out of it all. I mean, Gabe might have some idea, but you are more likely to win the lottery than have him tell you what is going on..." Todd said, and I was able to hear that there was a minor amount of resentment to what he was saying at that second.
"He will not tell you is what I think the point is. You might want to know, but that is just not going to happen. Anyways, I really was telling you the truth when I was going to be heading out and being with Bebe for a bit, and I was just going to be heading out now." After Todd was telling me this, I was seeing him looking more and more like he was just needing to get out, and once he was gone, he would just put this all behind him.
When he was getting to the door of the house, that was when Todd was looking at me, as if feeling like maybe he could try and find something to say to me that could make me feel a bit better here. Something that could get me to sort of know what I was getting myself into. "Calvin, just tell yourself something. Tell yourself that no matter what happens, our family will always love you, and keep you fine." After he was done saying this to me, I was seeing him looking fine now.
Honestly, I was just sort of wondering if Todd really believed in something like that. I mean, things could always change over time, and maybe he might do something or say something that changes the way he was going to be looking at this, and that he was going to be acting like the idea of loving me would have been a bit pointless in a way. But then Todd left the house, and he was getting near his car.
As he was getting to the car, he was looking at me, and I was seeing that he was just sort of already getting over this all, but then he opened the door, and then I was hearing a call coming in, and when I heard it, I was seeing Todd sighing in anger at this moment, and he was standing up, walking to the phone, where he would just talk with whoever was on the other side.
"Hello, what do you need?" After Todd asked this question to the guy, that was when there was a moment of silence, and he was clearly just trying to see where this was going to head. "I do not know what you are talking about right now..." Todd was saying, and I was hearing that there was now a voice of confusion, as well as just fear coming in his voice, and I was wondering what to do now.
"I don't have any idea what he is doing, no. I think that maybe you are going to have more luck trying to contact him directly." Todd was saying, clearly trying to show a different set of emotions with every single sentence that he was saying, and he was just trying to be making it seem like he was keeping his cool at the moment, but was losing it more.
"I really don't appreciate the tone you are using when talking about my brother. I think that we are going to have a big issue here." After Todd said this, he was wanting to make it seem like it was not that big of a deal for him, but that whatever he was talking about at that moment was showing everybody that no matter what was going on, he was not going to be letting this be a simple little conversation here.
"I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I think you need to let him be doing his own thing, even if such a thing might be rough." After Todd was saying this, he was then sighing once again, and I was hearing him looking more and more like he was just sort of getting over it all, even if he was not wanting to. "Fine, I will talk to him about it next time I see it, if you have not already. But please don't be like this." After Todd finished that, he was sighing, waiting for the guy to finish.
"Alright, I get it. You can stop now. Talk to you later, bye." Todd finished, and when he was done, he looked right at me, and I was seeing him looking like whatever he was now talking about was going to break him. I was seeing him looking just wanting to find something else to discuss, but that if he were to say anything, he would only be making me feel worse about it all.
"Oh my god, now I am really worried about what Gabe is doing now. I feel like something must have happened. But god damn, I think he will refuse to say anything, and that is what scares me." After Todd was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but was just feeling like if he hinted what he was feeling, he would be considered weak, and I would not take him serious.
"But you said that Gabe is fine." I said, and then Todd was just wanting to say more, but he was feeling like that idea was going to be thrown out the window, and that even pretending that something like this could have bene true was just to be pushing more an dmore lies to us. "What changed this?" I asked, feeling like this would be simple enough.
"I don't know what is going on with Gabe. I want to think he is fine. But I feel unsure. I am needing to talk with him soon. I need to get him to open up with me, and that way I know what he is doing." After Todd finished this, he was shaking his head, and he was just clearly over this whole discussion, and that he was just kind of wanting to do something else with his time here.
"I need to talk with him about many things. Even if he does not want to, I have to at least try. I need to at least try." Once he was done with that, he was looking at me, and he was clearly just wishing to say more, but did not want to do anything that was going to just be going in one ear and out of the other.
"I will talk to Bebe about it. Maybe she will calm me down, and sort of find a way to talk with me on this. I mean, I don't know if she will have the right answers for me, but I feel like she can at least try and make me feel better." After he had said that to me, he sighed, and I decided that even if it was best to mention what happened earlier, I did not want to get in trouble, or involved in something deeper, and I decided to just leave it alone, and give the two oldest brothers a chance to talk things out, and see if they could come to a agreement on what to do now.
As Todd was out of the house, there was something that I knew I needed to try and do for my own sake, as well as his own sake. I needed to try and see what was going on with my brothers, and I was needing to try and be there for them, no matter what was going to happen, since doing anything otherwise was only going to be making things even harder for those involved.
I was then thinking about what the hell that call must have been about. I mean, I did not want to know what was bothering Todd so much, but I was scared that something was going on to Gabe, and I was scared that he seriously was in danger this time, and by doing this, doing what he had been doing, I was worried that something was going to come to him now.
That was the thing that I had felt like I needed to just try and take care of. I needed to try my best to just make sure that nothing was going to happen to Gabe, and even if that meant getting my hand into more than I can handle, I was feeling like I needed to do just that. I needed to do whatever I fucking could to make sure that my siblings knew that I was a person who was going to listen to everything they needed to tell me, even if I was too young to understand it all.
I was then feeling like when I see Gabe next, I was needing to talk with them, and I was needing to get to know what was happening with him, and when I would learn the truth, I might even try and talk to Todd about what I would learn, and maybe this could be able to give Todd some idea on what he is supposed to do. I did not even care if it was snooping. It was the only thing I ever cared for.
I was just over it, and I was going to see what he was needing to tell people, and I was needing to just see what was scaring people out of their minds. I was needing to just know the truth for my own sake, and for the sake of how I was going to present myself to the family in the future. It was the only thing that I could focus on, and I was thinking that as long as I was able to do this, I was going to protect Ridge, and be able to make sure that the one sibling in the family who was younger than me could have all ten of his older siblings be there for him, rather than just nine.
I needed to talk with Bebe, and I was needing to just see what also made her like Todd so much. I did not know what the issue with Todd was, and I did not know why she liked him so much. He was just sort of all over the place, and while I was never going to call him a bad brother, I felt like he needed to give me even more than he already did.
But then I was seeing that along with Todd, I was seeing that Josiah was in his room, placing on his shoes, and I was seeing him holding his guitar, and I was seeing that there was a look of grit and determination on his face. I was not needing to be a genius to know that something was going to go down with his friends, and I should probably be leaving him alone, and just letting him dow whatever he was going to do, for both our sakes.
I was seeing him looking at Seth, who was holding his hands in his pocket, and Seth was almost looking like he was wanting to try and come up with some last minute bullshit excuse to make sure that Josiah did not do whatever the heck he was going to do, but there was a part of him that was just knowing that nothing was going to be done to change what Josiah was going to do. But at the same time, I was seeing Seth just starting to straighten up his back, and at first I thought he was doing this for comfort, but after a moment, I was seeing him stay that way, and I knew something was going to be said.
Josiah looked right at Seth, and when they had done this, I was seeing Josiah looking like there was a genuine look of worry on his face, and I knew that no matter what was about to go down, and no matter what was going to be happening next, Josiah was not ready for this. He was scared to be following down whatever path he was going to take, and he was going to be making sure that nothing happened to Seth to make him go down this path either.
He was placing his hand on Seth's left shoulder, and then he was saying something to Seth, and they were talking in a rather serious look, and I was feeling like no matter what was happening, I was just being useless standing there, and not doing something to help either of them out now. Then the talk lasted for a few seconds longer before Josiah headed out of the room, and was ready to get ready for whatever was next.
Josiah barely even took a look at me when he was heading out fo the house, and was just looking like he did not want to waste any of his time on a smaller thing such as myself. He was looking like he was just needing to get down to business, and that this conversation he might have had with me would have prevented him from doing just that. So with that, I decided not to say anything at all, and just let him go off on his own.
…
-Jan 21 1994 1:46 am- I was seeing Todd coming inside of the house, and as this was happening, that was when I was seeing that Bebe was not really there at his side. Despite this, I was seeing him looking fine, and I was seeing that he did not look like there was any real issue with what he was dealing with. So with that, I was just feeling like maybe they were just leaving after having their night together, and that they did not need to always be at each others side.
But despite what I was feeling, I was sort of wondering if maybe Todd had something else to discuss. But it was going to be coming to a halt before we were able to really discuss anything, or that I would have a chance to discuss anything with him, when I was seeing him just walking away from me, and I was seeing him just going right to his room. And I was wondering what the heck was going on here. So I was walking out of my crib again, to see what was going on.
"Todd, what is happening?" I asked, and I was seeing him stop when he was a couple of steps away from his room, and he was looking right at me, and I was seeing that he was looking like he had a mixed opinion on seeing me here. Like he was pissed at the fact that any of his siblings were up to do this with him right now, and that he had wished that there would have been a chance to just get out of this now.
"I am doing something important." After Todd said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was already done with this talk, and that he had said all he had needed to, and that if I tried to say anything else, he was just going to be probably borderline pissed with what I was doing, and he was just looking like maybe this was a bit pointless. "I am going to be seeing Bebe again, for something that I think is going to really matter."
After he was done saying this, I was seeing him looking like he had wished to say something else, but that at the same time, maybe Todd was just going to need to have me at least try and pretend like I was able to know what I was doing. "Todd, did you learn anything?" I asked, and then he was looking at me, and he was clearly looking like this was not at all what he was wanting somebody to ask him, at all.
"I can't worry about that right now. There is something more important going down." After he had said that to me, I was feeling like what he had just said to me was kind of confusing. I was wondering how the heck there was something more important than Gabe, or any of us for that matter. Maybe he felt like he was going to be able to start placing Bebe on that pedestal as well now, which was shocking to feel now.
"Can I come along?" I asked Todd, and he was looking at me, as if thinking that what I had just asked him was the most insane thing that anybody could have been asking him, especially his second youngest sibling, who was only two years old. He was looking like his mind was just trying to find the best way he was going to tell me this, and not be angry at me.
"I think that something like this is a terrible idea. I mean, I don't even know if you are going to be safe. I think that I have something that I need to worry about, and that if you are there, then my priorities will be compromised." After Todd told me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to find something better to say, but that he was just sort of running out of options, and that he was just wishing this never happened.
"I can stay in the car if I have to..." I said, and then after I was saying this to him, Todd was looking at me, and he was clearly just looking like he was wishing to say something better. But that maybe if he was trying to find some other comment, I would be angry at him, and he would be finding a way to keep this up. I was wanting to see him argue, but that there was also a pressing of time, that was making this harder for him to do.
"Listen, I do not have to like this idea, and I think this idea is kind of ridiculous, but I think that you are not going to leave me alone on this, and I really do not have the time. You can come, but you need to promise me one thing." Todd said, and then he was holding up his right index finger, and he was looking like whatever he was about to say was the most important thing he was going to be able to get me to hear now.
"You will stay in the car, and you will not make any noise. You will not debate with Bebe and I about this. You will just stay behind, and you will wait until this is done." After he was saying this, it was reminding me of what it must have been like for Gabe to be dealing with this with Jack earlier. Although he was forced into that one, and Todd was not forced.
"I will." I said, and I did not know how likely this was going to be true, but to be honest, I did not even fucking care. I was feeling like when this was all done with, Todd and I could just laugh this whole thing off. I did not even know what the issue with Todd here was, but I knew that any anger I could cause him was not worth it at all.
Eventually, with that, Todd was grabbing me, and he was bringing me to the car, and then he placed me in the back seat, and placed my salt belt on, and he was not even going to try and speak to me here. He was clearly just looking like whatever was happening next was going to be a road he would travel when this was all said and done, and that he did not even want to consider what any of this was like.
"I am going to be driving rather fast, so do not make any issue on this." After Todd was saying this to me, he was driving along, and he was just going for a while, just trying his best to not be making a big deal out of this. I was seeing that Todd was wishing to just keep this all together. I was feeling like once Todd could just calm down, and maybe when I would hear what was going on with Bebe, then I could have a idea what to do.
When I was in the car, and Todd was driving along, I was seeing that there was something in the back seat along with me. Something that confused me at the time, and I was feeling like when I would talk with him on this, he could be able to find a way to help me understand what the hell was even going on here. I was wondering what the heck a baseball bat was doing here, and why Todd was so worried about playing baseball with his friends at night.
I decided that despite what was going on, and what he had told me earlier, I was feeling like maybe I would be able to get him to just tell me what was going on, and that this was going to be enough. I was feeling like I would just get to know what the issue was here, and that the baseball bat was something he would tell me. "Why do you have this in here?" I asked, and then Todd was looking at me for a second, just unsure what to say.
"It is something I will have in here, just in case if I need it." After Todd was telling me this, I was seeing him getting right back to focus, and I was feeling like when he would tell me more, then I would be excited, and I would be sort of still looking at this as a small game to play with him, and I felt like he would enjoy hearing about this all.
"Are you playing with friends?" I asked, and then Todd was just shaking his head, as if feeling like he needed to decide how much he was wanting to tell me, and how much he was wanting to keep me in the dark, and just force me to learn more later, when I was going to be older, and not think about how strange this all was.
Eventually, he parked the car near where Bebe's house was, not even having to wait around and answer my question, at a yellow house, and then he was just looking at me for a quick second or two, and I was seeing that there was just something that he might have wanted to say, but decided to not even bother with this in the first place.
He was walking to the door, and then he was knocking on the door for a few seconds, just waiting for a answer, and after about ten to fifteen seconds, there was a ten year old boy who answered, and to a two year old, that still seemed like a ungodly old age. But even I knew that something else was going on that did not require Todd to speak to a ten year old.
When the ten year old answered, that was when they had talked for a few seconds, before he left Todd alone, and this time, despite the fact that Todd had shown up with little to no warning, he did not actually tell Todd off, and that he was actually going to be doing something to help him out. I was sighing, feeling like maybe this was not going to be worth it at all. Eventually, Todd glanced at me for a second, and decided that he was just already regretting bringing his two year old brother to this, and he only did this out of being forced.
I was seeing Todd looking like there was one single thing keeping him from freaking out, and acting like this was the end of the world. The fact that his friends were here, and the fact that Bebe and his other friends were going to be at his side for a while longer, and they were just going to be getting something accomplished here. I was feeling like Todd must have had something important going on, I just did not know what it was.
Eventually, there was a girl that I would later learn was Bebe staring at him, and they were both looking like this was something they were ready to work on, for some random reason. They were talking for a couple of seconds as Bebe closed the door, and then Todd was waving his hands around, feeling like he had no idea what to tell her, and they were just getting in the car.
Bebe looked at me, and she was clearly wanting to find something to say to me, to try and get me to feel like she was able to open up with me. But she was slowly shaking her head, feeling as if her speaking to me here was just going to be a waste of our time, and that I was probably not going to be listening to her in the first place. Todd Bebe put her purse down, and then Todd was starting up the car again, and he was driving along for a bit longer.
I was worried what Todd and Bebe were going to be getting themselves into, and I was going to be getting some answers when they would be talking rather loudly to each other. "Hey, I think we need to find something to do here, you know about our friends. I mean, this is kind of worrying." After Bebe was saying this to Todd, that was when Todd was looking like there was just nothing he was even feeling like he could have said to make a difference.
"I think that I need to know why Hayden thought that this was a good idea. But I guess that maybe I can't really blame him. After some of the stuff he was telling me, I feel like maybe he was just genuinely over this all, and wanted to see what he could do to help out or something." After Todd was saying this to Bebe, he was just feeling like he needed to say more, but was worried that it was impossible to.
"Do you think that he knows what he's doing? I mean, this is fucking crazy. I mean, I think that maybe there is some valid stuff to what he was telling us about, but that maybe he needed to sort of just think about where this was going to be heading." Bebe had been saying, and I was seeing her strangely conflicted emotions running on through. Like she had been wanting to say more, but was worried on how it sounded.
"I mean, he told me a lot of stuff a couple of weeks ago, and when I listened to him, I guess that maybe he just felt like he had enough. It was something that affected his entire life, but I think that maybe he should have at least tried to talk about it with other people before he went crazy and did something he might have regretted." After he was saying this, he was sighing, feeling like there was virtually nothing to say now.
"I mean, I never really know what Noah was up to though, or who he was friends with. Maybe some of his other friends might have pressured him to do this. I mean, why do you even care so much anyways?" She asked, and Todd was looking at her, as if feeling like what she had asked him was kind of crazy, and that maybe she needed to think that out better, but decided against it.
"Because when I talked with him, and saw what he was feeling, I knew that there was a sincere man who was just trying to hide what he was feeling. He was a man broken by emotion, and he was a man who was wanting to put this all behind him. He's just a guy who needed a better answer." After he was saying this to Bebe, he was wondering what she would have said to that.
Eventually, Todd was parking his car, and I was seeing him just gripping his wheel firmly, and I was seeing that whatever was about to happen next, was not going to be a very easy going thing. I was seeing that whatever he was getting himself into was something that was actually pissing him off. And I decided that for my own sake, that I would not even try and say something to him, for my own safety.
"You will be fine. Noah will be glad to see you there, and he will be glad to know that you are giving him a chance after all. I think that when he sees you there, he will be more glad than anything else." After Bebe was saying this, I was seeing her looking like she was just needing to do literally anything to keep Todd feeling better, if this as even possible. And I was just scared out of my mind over all that was going on.
"Yeah, I will give it a try. Maybe it will be helpful." After Todd was saying this, he was looking a bit worried about what to be doing, and how much he was needing to help out his family, as well as the people who were growing to be his friends, and that no matter what was going on, he was going to go further on it than now.
Eventually, he was getting out of the house, and he was grabbing the baseball bat, and I totally forgot about it by that point, feeling like it was just not even there. When he grabbed it though, I was having a surge of confusion as well as fear running through my mind, and I was worried about what my brother was going to be doing now.
I was wanting to see where he was going to go with this, and I wanted to stop him from doing anything that might have been getting him in danger. But I was feeling like something like this was just not going to be happening, and I was feeling like I just needed to watch and listen to my end of the promise, and make sure that Todd did not feel like I was betraying him or anything like that for what I had been doing.
Then he looked at Bebe for a moment before speaking to her about something that he had felt like was his most important request. "Stay here, and make sure that nothing happens to him. I need him to stay safe, under any cost." After Todd was saying this to her, he was seeing her slowly nod, and she was looking like she had no idea what to say, but did not want to make any real issue on this.
Eventually, Todd was running towards a house, and when he had done this, I was seeing him looking like his growing fear was slowly taking him over, and that there was no sign of looking happy, and no sign of looking like he was going to be taking this normally. I was feeling like maybe I was seeing my brother going through the emotions of what he had been getting ready to do, and that it was not going to be what he preferred to do.
After he was gone for a moment, I was seeing Bebe give me a quick glance, and she was looking like this was the worst thing that she was getting herself into. She was looking like anything that could happen to Todd was going to be a nightmare, and she was also looking like she was aware that she just needed to give on a good face for my sake. I was sighing, feeling like if Todd was in danger, Bebe needed to just forget what Todd told her, and just run in there and save him.
I knew that I was being selfish, and I knew that I needed to be there for her, and that I needed to understand that she was just wanting to be keeping me safe, while also respecting Todd's message, but at the same time, when I was feeling like all of this shit was going on, I was just unable to keep my mind together, and I was just wanting to do literally anything to go in there, and show Todd anything that would indicate I loved him.
"I hope that you do nothing like this." Bebe said to me, and when she had told me that, I was slowly nodding, feeling like I was not going to even try and argue with her on this, and that she needed to just tell me that for her own sake. I was then feeling like maybe when she would see me in a better mood, and see that at least I was still alright, maybe there was some good to be coming out of this after all.
"I mean, I respect what he is doing. He is trying his best to be there for somebody who is getting to know him as a friend. But that does not mean that I have to like it." Bebe was telling me, and then after she was saying this, I was seeing her looking like this was literally the biggest nightmare she was going to be going through. And I decided that I would just listen to her, and I was going to just see what the heck was bothering her so badly, and maybe I could make a difference. As silly as that was.
Eventually, Todd and this gothic looking guy named Noah were both running inside of the car, and both of them were looking like they were a little worn down or beaten up, and I was feeling like any form of comprehension that I could be having to this whole idea was just thrown out the window as Todd was starting up the car, and heading off as fast as possible.
…
-Jan 22 1994 1:35 pm- I was still reeling over what I had just saw yesterday, and I was feeling like I needed to know what the heck was going to be going on. I just needed to know what in the hell my brother was dealing with, and maybe I was feeling like somebody needed to get Bebe to know how she would be able to help him out. I was scared of what I had seen last night, and what I was wanting to express with those feelings.
Eventually, I was sighing, feeling like this nightmare would be over soon enough, and that I just needed to remind myself that as long as my siblings were safe, I could not be able to get in the way of what they were doing. Even if I was feeling like it was incredibly dangerous or fucking stupid what had been going on, I did not want to anger them on the idea of me just trying to push in what I was feeling they needed to do and stuff.
Maybe Bebe was going to have a talk with him about this, maybe she already did have a talk about this with him, and they were going to be coming to some form of a understanding. I mean, I did not think that the chances of that were super high, but I was feeling like I needed to at least give them the benefit of a doubt, and assume that they were able to peacefully resolve this as actual adults would, and not like what I was expecting.
But with all that was going on, I was having a fear that maybe Todd was going to be getting this rather cavalier way of looking at this, and that he would be telling me that I was looking into this too deeply, and that I was just needing to fucking relax, and that if I was going to be getting myself into this whole thing, I needed to have a better plan.
Besides, a part of me was not even sure if what I was seeing was real. I was feeling like that was a relatively valid point that somebody could have been making with me if we were to have this discussion, and as I was feeling that way, I was wondering if there was a part of me saying this just to push off responsibility a bit longer, or if I was actually being realistic with what was going on at this rate. I did not know, or really care.
Eventually, I was seeing Todd on the living room couch, and he was having a ice pack on his arm, and while it did look kind of cool to see him wearing one like that, I did not want to be romanticizing this whole thing, knowing the context behind it all, and knowing why he was doing this in the first place. But I was sitting down next to him, and he was looking at me for a second, just not wanting to say anything at all.
"Is he safe?" I asked, referring to Noah, and when he was looking at me, and seeing that I was looking like I cared for what was going on, he was smiling to hear me just not acting fucking stupid, and not be brushing off what was happening. "Does he know what is going on?" I felt like that second question would not win him over as much.
"He's doing alright, all things considered. But I think that I will need to talk with him a bit. He really seems to not be taking this too well, and I am scared for him." After Todd was telling me this, I was sighing, feeling like what he was saying was a valid statement, and I was just wanting to act like I had more to say to him, but that this idea was just going to be a lie. I was wanting to make him feel better, but that was just not going to happen.
"I feel bad for the guy. I never thought that I would have said that I would feel bad for fucking Noah, but he is not a bad guy. He was just in on a bad crowd, and now he is trying to make up for it. But when I saw him sort of seeing the facts as they were, and seeing what was going on, and I was seeing the look of breaking and eventual acceptance on his face, I feel like I will never witness anything like it in my life.
"What did he do to you?" I asked, and then he was looking at me, as if wanting to say more, but was feeling like maybe if I heard him speak about this man, I would just be totally lost on what was going on, and I would be losing many interest in what was happening as well, and he did not want to deal with that, feeling like in a way, it might have been a waste of his time.
"I don't even think it matters anymore. I think I need to get over it." After Todd said that, I was feeling like he was wanting to not take this matter too much further, and that I was going to waste my time for even trying to do this, and that when he was saying this, I was feeling like he was just running through different things in his mind. I was sighing, feeling like maybe when I would learn more from him, I would know what his issue with Noah was going to be.
"Alright. I just wanted to see if you were fine." I said, and then I was seeing that Todd was just looking like despite everything that was happening, and despite the fact that I was too young to come anywhere close to understanding this, he was able to appreciate the fact that I was willing to be there for him, and that I was willing to speak with him now.
"I have no idea if I am fine or not. That does not even matter anymore, I guess. I think people are just going to want me to do something for them, but I have no idea how the heck this is going to be accomplished. I think that maybe I am just going to have to do my best." After Todd said that to me, he was looking like there was more he was wanting to say, but did not even bother to say anything else.
"I am going to have to talk with Noah and my other friends about what I am doing. What I am feeling. I can't control what Gabe does, but I can control what I do, and I can possibly help point my friends in the right direction." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but did not want to bother saying much on the fear of what I was getting myself into now.
"Well, do you know what you friends do?" I asked, feeling like as long as I was focused on that, Todd would give me more answers, and Todd would give me more of a ground point that I could be able to work with. If something like this could happen, I needed to try. I needed to see what Todd was so worried about, and what my brothers were going crazy for, and by doing this, I would be able to have some fucking answer to this whole thing.
Despite what he was feeling, I was seeing Todd looking like he was just kind of sick and tired of this. "I want to know what my friends are doing. That would be fucking wonderful. But I think doing this will be the hardest thing that I can do in my entire life." After Todd said that, I was seeing him shake his head, as if feeling like the mere idea of seeing where this was going to go was going to be driving him up the wall now.
"Todd, is Bebe safe?" I asked, and then Todd was looking like, despite how much he did not want to say it, he really did not know. He really did not know what he was going to be getting her into, and that was the one thing that scared him most. Then he was placing his hand on my shoulder, as if feeling like if he was going to try and say something else, he would be going crazy, and be sort of just all over the place.
"I have no idea what the heck Bebe is going to be. I am going to do my best to keep her as safe as possible though. It is all that I can do." After Todd said that to me, he looked like he was wishing to say more, but was just sort of looking like any form of a response he could make was just going to every minor compared to the truth.
"I will see if Bebe might have some back up plans though. In case if she is not safe. But I hope that this is not a idea I have to be going down." After Todd said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to continue down this line of discussion, but decided not to be saying anything, and he would let me just remain quiet.
"Just don't hurt yourself." After I said that, I was seeing Todd looking like that was not the thing he needed to promise me, or the thing that he could even promise me. Then he was standing up, and he was staring me directly in the face, feeling like whatever he was going to tell me now would have been a big hassle, and he wanted to say more, but chose not to even bother.
"I am going to actually be heading out now. When I talk with my friends now, I think that we are going to have a long way to go here, and I want to make sure that we are all on the same page. I feel like it is the least that I can be doing this." After Todd was saying this to me, and I was feeling like I could try and say more, and that I could really see where this was going to go, but I did not want to push them down any further.
"I think that when I talk with them, and we can come with some idea where to go, maybe I will help them out understanding why I am so worried about things as much as I am." After Todd said that to me, I was seeing him clearly looking like there was something else he could have tried to say, but that it would have gone nowhere, and been a waste of his time in a way.
"I also feel like anything that my friends know will be important. Every single detail is vital. Fucking vital, and I am going to be hearing everything I can, and I will be making as informed of an opinion as I can." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say something further, and see what I was feeling, but decided not to be doing this right now, not even to bother with me.
"I am glad you listened to my instructions yesterday though. You were told to stay inside, and you did just that. I am glad that you did not argue with me or anything. That was rather important for my own personal feeling." After he was telling me this, I saw him looking like he had wanted to say something else, but was feeling like something like this was going to be good enough, and decided not even to bother saying anything else to me now.
Then he was reaching the door, and as he was doing this, he looked right at me, and he was looking like he was actually kind of feeling better about something. "Hey, be good, and if you really do find something going on, and you feel like it might be a problem, consider letting me know, and I will see what I can do about it." After he had told me that, I was seeing him looking totally sincere with what he had just told me, and when he was heading off, I was feeling like I needed to try and give him more of this.
Eventually, after I slowly nodded, he headed out of the house, and I was feeling less worried about it this time. For some reason, I was willing to believe that Todd had it in him to stay safe, and I was not aware of how he fought, but I knew that he was able to survive what he had just dealt with, and I was feeling like that might have been a good enough way to know that he was doing alright, and I was wanting to keep him looking like he was on top of this.
I was seeing that when Todd was gone, and that he was going to be trying to keep his friends safe, and that he was just going to be knowing that in order to keep his friends safe, he himself was going to have to be safe, and that was the main reason he was not going to be getting himself to do anything too dangerous. The more that I was realizing this, the more that I was glad to know that Todd was going to have a level of humility here.
After he was gone though, I was feeling like I was just going to have to see where the hell Todd was getting all of this stuff from. I was wondering if he had wanted to have that fight last night, or if he was totally fine. I was feeling like maybe Todd was just sort of along for the ride, as much we all were, and that maybe I needed therefore to cut Todd some slack here. I was sighing, wishing that I knew how to help him out here.
I was sitting down on the couch, and I was feeling like no matter what was going to happen, and no matter what I had wanted to believe, something was going to happen, and there was going to be a ending to this soon. I was truly believing that whatever was going to happen was all going to end soon, and that was the only reason I did not want to be in his business about it, because I wanted to truly believe that he was doing alright. But I was glad to be a brother who seemed to actually care what his siblings were doing, and not brush it off as nothing.
