I'm so glad you all liked Christian's participation in the wedding game from the last chapter. I had a lot of fun writing that. As mentioned, this will be the last chapter for the next 2 weeks. I shall start posting again by 3/18/2020. More notes at the end of this page. Stay safe everyone and I shall see you again in a bit.
As for chapter 11: trigger warning, there is mention of sexual abuse.
Chapter 11 – You're my golden hour
December 2nd, 2019.
CPOV:
I hear the phone ring and feel Ana stir to pick it up, whispering and running her fingers through my hair. I could definitely wake up to this feeling everyday.
"Good morning, Isla... is everything okay? Sure... what time is it? 8ish? Okay... I'll try to be there by 9:30 at the latest... oh god yeah I think I went overboard but it was the last night so we had to go out with a bang. You guys did such a great job, please let me know where to write all the reviews, I'll do that asap...really? when? Well you have my number and you absolutely have to call me when you visit, we'll make a girls night of it...okay perfect, the garden will be lovely for breakfast today... oh god, really? I adore you guys, that's so sweet. That's going to be the highlight of my day, I've been craving that. I haven't found a place that does that combo of pressed juice... No girl, Seattle is just dreary all the time but all my favorite people are there so I gotta deal..." she giggles and continues "okay great I'll see you soon, girl."
I love hearing her talk to people and being so animated. I open one eye to see her looking at something on her phone and texting with one hand while still running her fingers through my hair.
"I'm sorry I slept on your stomach."
She looks down and smiles "it's all good Mr. Grey, I'm sorry if I woke you..." I move to lift her shirt and plant kisses on her stomach leading up to her breasts and she squeals and giggles trying to stop me "Chrisitan... stop... please... Christian." She's out of breath. I stop and go in to plant kisses on her neck, up to her jawline finishing with a big wet kiss on her lips and she giggles in return.
"Is it bad that I don't want to go and be hostess for the farewell breakfast?"
"You've done so much already baby, I say... take a break. Stay in bed with me."
"That' is a tempting offer Mr. Grey but I guess I really should go. It's only until 12:30pm anyway... . if you're not busy can we go somewhere today? I want to leave this resort already." She laughs.
"Whatever you want. Elliot, Kate and Mia were saying we should drive up the coast and take in some of the sights, would you like that?"
"I would love that!" she beams.
We both lie in bed for a bit and then move to get ready.
As we stand in the bathroom getting ready. Ana is unusually quiet, she just quiet hums to the music playing. She carefully starts packing her things, gently putting everything away and in some instances she looks so sad. I'm torn between showering her with kisses and letting her be. I decide to let her be, maybe she needs this. Once she's done, she goes to change into her outfit for the day. It's a beautiful white dress that makes her look the young and innocent girl she really is. She finishes doing her hair and ties it with a black ribbon.
"Miss Steele."
"Mr. Grey?" she says distracted, applying some blush to her cheeks.
"You look so angelic in that ensemble, I feel like corrupting you."
She laughs out loud and there's the girl I fell in love. "You can corrupt me later Mr. Grey, corrupt me all you like."
"You're so quiet this morning, is everything okay?" I ask
"Yeah, why?"
"Well you're usually singing and talking, and I thought maybe you're still in pain."
"Oh! No, I was just concentrating and doing a mental checklist in my head, what to pack, figuring out my schedule for the rest of the week... etc. I'm done with all that now."
"What is the rest of your week look like?"
"Well..." she hesitates then takes a breath..."I'm going to stay with Nani and Mama at the family house in SF. I fly back to Seattle on Saturday."
I can feel my body tense up. "Will Vishaal be around?"
"He's not supposed to be, he's supposed to leave for India on Tuesday night with Uncle Rish."
"I don't like him Ana, there's something seriously off about the guy."
Ana takes a deep breath and looks away. "We should get going, it's almost 9:30."
...
I'm sitting with Elliot, Mia and Kate in the garden for breakfast when Ana finally joins us. She walks to us distracted, shivering and takes a seat between Kate and I. She shakily opens her bag and takes out a pill bottle; I remember that it's the Percocet from last night. She takes one and swallows and closes her eyes as a tear falls. She turns to Kate and whispers her name, gripping the chair and bending down into a shoulder. Kate panics.
"Ana, baby what's happening?" Ana doesn't make a sound and I put my hand on the small of her back and lean to try and see her face and I can tell she's trying not to scream from the pain with her eyes tightly shut and face tense but within seconds she faints and falls but Kate catches her, looking up to me with fear in her eyes.
"Elliot, get mom, NOW!" I bark. Elliot runs in double time to get mom. Mia is stunned to silence.
"What happened to her Christian?" I move in to pick up Ana and put her down on one of the chaise lounges in the garden. I tell Kate that the same thing happened last night but she didn't pass out but was able to take the Percocet and I drew a bath for her with Epsom salt and seemed fine this morning.
Mom comes rushing with Ana's mom Nita and I'm trying my best to keep my emotions in check.
"What happened to her?" I look to Kate and she realizes that I can't say anything.
"Grace, she got a searing pain in her hip and passed out just as she took a Percocet. Same thing happened last night but she was able to take a Percocet and have an Epsom salt bath. Right now she's was trying to not make a sound when the pain shot up"
Nita starts crying and pretty soon, some more people show up. Grace asks that we move to a private area. Vishaal is standing behind Nita and offers to pick up Ana, before I can punch his fucking face, Kate barks at him and says Elliot will instead. I thank god Ana has her in her corner.
I slip Ana's room key to Kate as she grabs Ana's bag and we all walk with Elliot back to her room and he lays her on the bed. Kate, Mia, Elliot and I wait in the living area of her cottage. They ask what happened and Kate tells them that Ana has been dealing with hip pains like that since her accident but they only happen when she's overwhelmed, tired or not eating, drinking enough water based on what Ana has told her. Sometimes her body can't take the pain.
After a while, Nita comes out crying and thanks us for helping out. She goes back in and Grace comes out shortly after, and tells us Ana will be fine but they called paramedics just in case. Grace tells us that sometimes searing pain from past trauma can cause fainting episodes especially in cases of exhaustion and given Ana's schedule this weekend emotionally and physically, it's not uncommon. She just needs an IV, hydration and rest.
My entire body is numb and I feel so helpless. I hate this feeling. Grace asks me to join her out on the terrace.
"Christian, are you okay, son?
"Yeah mom, why do you ask?" I try to keep it cool.
"Because I know what you feel something for her. " Grace smiles wistfully and puts her hand on my cheek. I lean in.
"Mom, I'm trying but she asked me to not act too familiar around her family, some complicated issues and not to mention the fact that she's my employee."
"I understand. I'm sure Nita will want to be alone with her daughter so you will have to leave for a bit. I'll stay here I promise and keep you updated. " Grace offers.
"I understand, thanks mom."
Elliot, Kate, Mia and I head out to the garden again and sit on a couple of garden chairs.
"I'm going to fucking kill Vishaal. He is the reason this happened. Fucking piece of shit." She spits.
"Wait, how do you know that?" I ask.
"Because she said my name followed by the word 'Dementor' that's our code name for him. He terrorizes her and rattles her core. Which means something happened right before she came to our table. This weekend has been too much for her. She needs to get back to Seattle and away from these people." She starts to cry and I can tell how scared she is for Ana.
I get a text from Mom that the paramedics have administered and IV and won't be taking her to the hospital. I let Kate know the update and she breathes a little easier.
"I'm going to knock that creepy motherfucker out." Elliot declares.
'No, none of us can do anything, it's really complicated in that family, you guys have no idea. I understand Ana's position and it fucking sucks but we have to stand back." Kate looks to Elliot willing him to stand down.
"Why would anyone want to hurt her, she's such a sweet soul?" Mia asks in a small voice and I squeeze her hand.
We all sit quietly for a bit and Kate gets a ping on her phone. "Ana is awake, Nita wants us all to go see her." We make our way back to Ana's cottage and see Nita with her sister and Kiran in the room. Ana is awake but her eyes are vacant as she looks through the skylight. She's still wearing my jacket around her.
"How's my girl?" Kate goes and caresses Ana's face and her expression remains the same. Elliot, Mia and I retreat to the living room. Soon Kiran and her mother leave, they look worried, faces fallen.
A little while later, Kate and Nita come out with tears in their eyes and tell me that Ana has asked for some time alone with me. Elliot and Mia look at me confused and Nita gives me a small smile as they exit the cottage.
I close the door behind them and feel a desperate sense of uneasiness as I walk into Ana's room. She's in the same position, looking through the skylight, IV drip on her arm. I sit on the bed beside her, she does not react, and her hand remains lifeless as I try to hold it.
She continues to look through the skylight and speaks with a chilling calm that grips me.
"I'm exhausted beyond comprehension which makes this the perfect time for me to tell you everything that I know you've been wanting to know since day one. Right now, I can tell you without crying because I'm just so empty." She says.
"You don't have to tell me Ana, I just want you to feel better."
"I just want to get this over with and move on Christian."
"Okay. I understand."
She takes a deep breath and starts to speak.
"My biological father committed suicide before I was born. My mother loved him and never got over it. Apparently it was some forbidden relationship that or something. When I was born, she continued to search for that perfect love again. It led her to Ray and many other men but Ray ended up being my dad and I took his name. My mother to this day will not tell me my real father's name. Ray gave me his name built me up when my mother just left me to find her version of a happy ending.
When Ray married Nita, I finally felt like I belonged, Nita's family embraced me, took me in and taught me so much. Kiran and Vishaal were my siblings. While Nita came from money, she never brought it over when she married Ray who made sure to legally adopt me. This helped when mom's husband #2 became violent with us and Ray was able to legally take me away from her. Ray was ex-army, a carpenter and taught woodshop at the local high school, just a regular guy of modest means. Nita was a school teacher as well and my life was comfortable. He taught me valuable life lessons that I still carry with me to this day.
When I was 17, Ray and I got into a car accident, Ray died on impact and I was left with critical injuries, a severely fractured pelvis, with spinal injuries and head injuries. I was in a coma for 6 months and when I came to, I couldn't move or speak. I couldn't make any sounds. I could just move my eyes. I couldn't breathe on my own. I stayed trapped within myself for almost 4 more months after that. When I woke up, no one told me about Ray, they tried to protect me but it killed me. I was trapped in my mind, screaming, asking for my dad but I couldn't reach him. I thought he left me like Carla had left me too. It took me a long while to realize that he would've never have left me unless he had been taken. Which meant he was no longer alive. When that thought settled in, I cried all the time. All that grief and trauma couldn't exit my body because I couldn't move. My face became permanently tear-stained. I was always screaming in my mind and it was exhausting. No one could hear me. I was so alone. Every night I'd pray not to wake up the next morning.
We lived in Montesano at the time but Nita couldn't afford my care on her salary and insurance, so Alia Khala and her family offered to pay for my care and they had me moved to San Jose. K-apa and Vishaal helped and took care of me. For them it was a drop in the bucket but for me it's been everything.
When I finally did start to heal and I began to regain feeling in throughout my body, it was really slow. I couldn't even tell anyone when I'd get my hip pain or any other excruciating pain. I'd just have to endure it. I was at the mercy of whenever a nurse or a doctor would decide to check on me and if they saw me crying then they'd figure out that I needed pain killers. My voice would be the last to come back.
I had to learn how to speak again. So I'd hum and listen to music all the time and it got me through so really tough days, so sometimes I won't even realize I'm doing it. I read all the time to escape my life. I lost two and a half years of my life this way and forgot how to interact with people my own age. I was a semester away from graduating high school and as a result I didn't go to college till I was 20 which was and overwhelming experience in itself but I found Kate during my first week at WSU and she took me in and she saved my life in a whole new way.
The summer leading up to college, the doctors cleared me and said that as long as I took care of myself and managed my stress I'd be good. The Friday before I left for WSU, K-apa and Vishaal took me with their friends to celebrate my new lease on life. I don't remember much from that night. I woke up in my bed the next morning and I realized I had been brutally raped and it was excruciating recovering from that physically and emotionally. I had marks on my body I couldn't explain. I kept it to myself. I was so ashamed. I felt so dirty for so long. For the longest time I had no idea who it was, but as time progressed, I noticed Vishaal's embraces and physical affection get aggressive. And when I'd go to visit family in SF, my body would shut down whenever he was around. Then he started saying weird things to me and it started making sense. Then when I wouldn't respond to him he's get angry.
My first summer back from college, I was at the family home and in the basement, Nani was the only one home at the time, Vishaal had come home from gym and try to force himself on me. I barely managed to push him off and ran into Nani's room. But I couldn't tell her. I have no proof of what he did, just a feeling, though I think she definitely suspects something. I can't blow up the family based on an accusation like this. And so for the past 4 years he's been torturing me. Whenever there is a family wedding or event, he tortures me. He'll physically try shit and psychologically try to break me. He thinks he owns me because of what happened. I have to act normal in front of the family whenever we're in public and he knows that. He uses it to his advantage because he knows my weakness. He knows I'm alone. The thing is he is blood and I am not. I have no leg to stand on. My own mother didn't want me, how can I survive them not wanting me either? I have nothing, no resources. I have this huge emotional and financial debt to them for what they did for me in terms of my recovery and taking me when I was just a kid.
When I was in high school before the accident, I was 40 lbs heavier than I am now. When I woke up from my coma, I had lost half that weight, but in my mind I have remained the same. In college I was a recluse, till Kate start really pushing me to make more friends in junior year. I never have been out with anyone. I just keep to myself. I never thought I'd meet anyone. I was happy being alone, this way I'd know I was safe. I'd be in control of my body and surroundings but then I realized that I didn't want to end up like my biological father or my mother, so I really tried to work on myself but it's still difficult because I have my demons and they creep up on me every now and then.
That's what happened this morning. After you left, I waited for a bit before leaving my room and as I started to walk down the path I ran into Vishaal and he basically got pissed because he saw us come in here last night and then he saw you leave this morning. He grabbed both of my hands and pushed me to the wall but heard someone from the resort staff coming down the path so I ran and tried looking for you guys and then I remember waking up here."
She hasn't cried. She just keeps looking through the skylight with that vacant stare as she tells me all of this. I feel the tears fall from my eyes. I can't believe what I'm hearing. I can't believe she went through all that and she still has so much left to give to the world and she continues to do it with no complaints.
She finally squeezes my hand and I look at her. She sits up and puts her other hand on mine.
"But when I met you and you held my hand. I came alive Christian. For the first time, I felt something. And even though at first I was scared, when you kissed me, my life changed. You are my first for everything. I feel alive with you, uninhibited, like who I'm really meant to be. I didn't think I could ever find that. And it felt too good to be true. I was in this wedding bubble where everything seemed beautiful and curated and picture perfect. I didn't want to ruin it so I thought this will be my Goa Holiday and I'll go back to my life and be perfectly content on this being a beautiful dream." She's now crying uncontrollably. Eyes down on our hands.
"If I had to go through all of this again just to have you for this one weekend, I'd do it a million times over, Christian."
I lean in and kiss her forehead and her lips. I'm at a complete loss of words so I just hold her as she cries into my chest. I rub her back and kiss her temple as she lets it all out. I'm going to kill that motherfucker. I am going break every bone in his body.
After a while, she stops crying and moves away from me a little but still won't look up at me.
"Ana?"
"Yes?" She's still looking down, fingers knotted.
"Do you want to get out of here? Change of scenery, we can go by the water and just walk around. Get you far away from this place for a bit?" I ask. I desperately want to make her feel better.
"I'd really like that. Can you ask the Kate, Elliot and Mia to come back here? I feel like I owe them an explanation."
"You don't owe them anything Ana."
"I would still really like to talk to Kate. I owe her just as much as I owe Nita and her family. I can't explain it right now." She confesses. I kiss her lips; they're so soft and warm, when she's been crying. "Okay, I'll call them up right now and we'll all go somewhere."
I leave Ana in the room, she's still sitting on the bed, looking to the floor. I walk out to the terrace and call Elliot and ask him to come by with Kate and Mia. I call Sawyer and Ryan to let them know our plans and to get the SUV's ready.
I follow up with Grace and let her know that Ana is doing well and that we're all going to take her out by the water and get her something to eat.
Five minutes later I hear the door knock and I go to open it and it's Luis from the resort staff.
"Oh I'm sorry sir, is this Ana's room?" he asks stunned.
"Yes it is, I'll go call her." I walk into the room and I see Ana lying in the bed staring off into space. My heart breaks a little more.
"Ana, Luis is here to see you." She blinks a couple of times trying to register what I'm saying. She bolts up and goes out of the room.
"Abuelo, what are you doing here?"
"Mija, my shift just started and I heard you got sick so I brought you your favorite juice and something to eat." They all gravitate towards her it's incredible.
"Oh god, you didn't have to, thank you so much" she gives him a big hug and kisses his cheek and he blushes.
"What happened Mija?"
"Oh, I partied a little too hard last night." She giggles and just like that my girl is back.
Luis chuckles and wishes her well and asks her to come back. Likewise Ana, tells him to let her know whenever he's in Seattle and to give her love to Rosa.
She closes the door and takes the tray to the coffee table and looks at the contents. There's a pitcher of juice and some cookies with cut fruit. It's a small gesture that speaks volumes.
Ana looks at me and asks if I want to try some of the juice. I decline but go to sit next to her.
She pours some out and drinks some "You are seriously missing out, this stuff is like crack. No one in Seattle makes this. At least take a sip. It's pineapple and mint pressed juice." I relent and take a small sip, it actually tastes good.
"How are you feeling now baby?"
"Much better, thank you." She smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes. "Is your mom still here, I never got to thank her for checking up on me, can we do that before we head out?" she asks.
"Ana, it's okay, you don't have to thank her."
"No Christian, I do. I don't take things like that for granted. Can I at least call her?"
"Okay, I'll call her right now and you can speak to her, happy?" I roll my eyes.
She giggles "Yes."
She talks to Grace and thanks her profusely for being there and checking up on her. They talk about a bit about her accident and injuries and her hip pain and some remedies to help. It's an overall sweet gesture but I know it also stems from the fact that she thinks that doesn't think she deserves this love and attention.
"How are you?" she asks, placing her hand on mine.
"Truthfully, aside from wishing I had the power to turn back time, I'd like to kill that fucker." I say and feel my rage building up again.
Ana sighs. "Christian, I wanted to kill him for a long time but then I eventually realized that him dying or being removed from my life wouldn't change anything. What he did would still stand. I can just hope that the rest of my life is far happier and outweighs the few years of unhappiness I had to experience because of him. That's the real feat in the end. Nani has always taught me that in the end nature always seeks it's own version of justice, it could be 2 minutes from now or 50 years from now but it will happen. I don't need to know about it or care about it. My life has to move forward. I'm finally at a point where he barely takes up brain space. It's only when he's physically around that it bothers me or if he texts me which I immediately delete without reading. This entire weekend, his presence only bothered me when he was literally near me or in my line of sight, otherwise he truly didn't exist in my mind and I know much that killed him. Having you, Kate, Mia and Elliot was all I needed and I felt safe to be myself and really enjoy this wedding and right now us being together is driving him insane."
I pick up her hand and kiss it and hold it to my cheek, as if it's balm to calm all these overwhelming feelings brewing inside of me like a storm. My brain is failing me; I can't do anything for her. I am such a useless piece of shit. I start to feel tears fall again. She moves in closer and sits in my lap and holds me to her. She raises my face to hers and kisses me.
"We're gonna be fine. We just need to get out of this place. Cabin fever is taking over now" she giggles and I have to genuinely laugh, I lean back into her neck and it tickles her making her giggle more.
"Miss Steele, you're a force to be reckoned with. I'm in awe of you" I say my voice wavering. She kisses me and goes into hug me again and we hold each other till we hear the door knock again.
"I'll get the door, you go freshen up." I kiss her and then go up to go and wash my face.
APOV:
Christian heads to the bathroom and I open the door and Elliot booms, "THERE'S MY GIRL OF STEELE!" I have to laugh, "Yes, your girl of Steele and drama" I laugh. He envelops me in a bear hug and rocks me a bit; I end up laughing some more. Kate hugs and kisses me with tears in her eyes.
Mia gives me a crushing hug and kiss "Don't scare me like that again." She says as her voice cracks. "Where's Christian?"
"He's in the bathroom, he'll be right out. Please sit, the resort sent something small to snack on so please help yourselves. Did you guys have breakfast? Otherwise I can order some?"
I hear Christian voice from behind me as he sits on one of the chairs next to me "Ana, relax, we all ate. You however need to eat." I suddenly feel awkward and overwhelmed realizing that Elliot and Mia now know about the both of us.
"Kate, I need your help." I say and walk to the bedroom.
"What's up Steele? Says as she walks into the bedroom after me.
I take a huge breath. "I told Christian all of it." My voice cracks. Kate hugs me and I start crying, uncontrollably. I feel like a burden has been lifted off of me. She holds me for I don't know how long, rocking me and kissing my hair. Mia comes and gives us a big group hug. I feel so loved in this moment. I start to feel better and break away
"Let's go to the beach, I need to get out of here." I say, laughing and wiping my tears. Kate and Mia smile and we go into the bathroom to freshen up.
"So, you and my brother have been shacking up this entire wedding weekend?" Mia asks wiggling her eyebrows. As we stand around in the bathroom and I fix my face.
I want to run for the hills in embarrasmment "Yeah, kinda... are you mad? I'm sorry, it just happened and I wasn't sure if it was going to be serious or..." God, I hope she's not mad. "GIRL, please... it's about time he got laid." Mia laughs and Kate and I lose it.
"See, even they all thought he was gay." Kate cackles.
CPOV:
I sit on the chair, with my head in my hands and Elliot asks me to join him on the terrace.
"Bro, you can talk to me you know that right? I've always got your back" He rubs my shoulder as I stand leaning against the railing.
"I know Lelliot, I appreciate it. I'm just really struggling right now." I think this maybe the first time I've been ever close to having a heart to heart with him.
"How is Ana doing?" He asks.
"Ana's been through some real fucked up shit Elliot and I'm really trying to rein in my anger because I know it's not healthy and will no one any good if I lose my shit. It's just been an overload of information and I'm trying to really process through it"
"Kate hasn't told me any specifics but I can guess what this is all about with that Vishaal guy, the only thing I'll say is that, as much as you care for her, which is pretty obvious, you need to channel that anger and frustration into making her feel safe and cared for. Whatever all this is, it happened to her. All of us, we're not even in the same fucking orbit of trying to understand what she went through. I mean think about it for a second, as worst as the shit she told you; look back on the days you've seen her around the wedding. Look how far she has come. You have to respect that bro.
In Cabo, the way she cared for Mia... I made a vow that I'd always look out for her – she had only known us for 5 fucking minutes and she cared for Mia like a mother. And when Kate told us about the accident, it tore my heart man but I had to look at it differently, I just thought about her progression from what she went through just a few short years ago to how she personally cared for every human being at this wedding, because if you dwell on her past, you're disregarding all that hard work she's done on herself to be the woman who caught your attention today. I mean, she's a fucking saint, just try your best to pave a path forward."
I know Elliot is right, I know it deep down. I'm also at war with who I am as Christian since the beginning and as this new person that I'm evolving into from knowing Ana.
I feel my eyes well up and Elliot rubs my shoulder again and pulls me in for a hug. We've hugged maybe like... never. At least not since we were children.
You've got this Christian, just take it one step at time." He says as we break apart and I nod in agreement.
"So what's the plan? Where should be take these ladies?" Elliot asks
"Ana said she wanted to get out of here and go to the beach. Maybe we can get some food and make an afternoon of it? We've only got two SUV's so I'm sending Sawyer and Ryan to drop off Mom and Dad at Monterey this afternoon and we'll take the other one out for the day. And they'll follow us after dropping them off"
"Sounds like a plan" Elliot clasps his hands and walks inside.
I take a few minutes to collect myself. The fact that Elliot gave solid advice has got be the other stunning revelation for this weekend. Flynn is going to have a field day with this.
I walk inside to find the living area empty and hear Ana giggling in her room. I make my way and see Ana sitting in the middle against the headboard with Mia's head in her lap as she runs her hands through her hair. Kate has head on her right shoulder and Elliot lying across the foot of the bed laughing like the hyena he is sometimes. This feels like family. I have gained so much this weekend and it all feels like a turning point.
"Hey guys, ready to go?" I ask. Mia bolts up "Yes but please promise we'll get ice-cream too. I've been craving cookie-dough for forever and now this wedding is over I don't have to worry about abs for a while."
Ana laughs out loud and I smile because my girl is coming back.
We get ready to leave, Ana looks refreshed and grabs her coat. We walk hand in hand as we head out of the resort and four people from the staff stop to ask her how she's doing and she gives each of them a hug and thank you. I am consistently floored with each exchange. She could be the reason for world peace, I'm certain of it.
The SUV is ready when we get to the front. Elliot offers to drive and the girls climb into the back and we head out towards Monterey.
"Ana, want to play DJ?" Mia asks.
"Um... okay, how do I connect my phone?"
"Ana, give me your phone I'll connect it" I ask her and she gives it to me. I connect it and hand it back to her.
"Brace yourself people, it's about to get real weird in here." She giggles.
"Do you worst Steele." Elliot challenges.
"Ready girls?" Ana looks to Kate and Mia.
True, you're a star in my head
You, no need fi raise war with my friends
True, you're so bad, we don't need to pretend
But I don't want war with you or my friends
Loyal – PartyNexDoor feat. Drake
I remember the song from last night and all three girls sing it at the top of their lungs swaying and I can't help but smile. Elliot gives me a sideways wink and I chuckle.
I guess what I'm sayin', I guess what I'm sayin'
I guess what I'm sayin' is, I
I fuckin' love you
I guess what I'm sayin', I guess what I'm sayin'
I guess what I'm sayin' is, I
I fuckin' love you (ah, yeah)
Love you through the better days
Love you through the rainy ones
Champion, you're number one, yeah, that's true
I guess what I'm sayin', I guess what I'm sayin'
I guess what I'm sayin' is, I
I fuckin' love you (ah, yeah, ah)
.Y. – Bazzi
I look through the window and as they sing, Ana's voice seeps through like honey and it feels warm. I feel so calm. I feel content.
I just wanna spend my life with you (with you)
Go around the world and to the moon (with you)
I just wanna share the light with you (with you)
Have some kids and move to France with you (with you)
I just wanna spend my life with you (with you)
Go around the world and to the moon (with you)
I just wanna share the light with you (with you)
Superstar (you, you, you, you, you)
Superstar – Majid Jordan
"Ladies, let's move to France and be fabulous." Mia exclaims as the song plays. Ana laughs and continues singing.
"Yo Steele, you gotta make me a playlist." Elliot asks.
"Sure, or I can give you a link to my Spotify and you can follow that. All the stuff is there. Show me your phone when we stop for food and I'll do it"
"Still want me as a the DJ?" Ana asks
We all end up saying "YES" in unison and Ana laughs out loud. "I'm in the mood for some JT now." Ana muses and Mia and Kate yell "yas kween". I'm so amused by their interactions with each other.
Hey little mama
Ain't gotta ask me if I want to
Tell me, can I get a light?
Roll you up and let it run through my veins
'Cause I can always see the farthest stars when I'm on you
I don't wanna ever come down from this cloud of loving you
Pusher Love Girl – Justin Timberlake.
This time Elliot sings along too and soon it becomes it becomes a sing off between Ana and him. The girls sway their shoulders and I can't help but smile. Ana and Kate start singing to each other and end up laughing. All I want to desperately do is kiss her.
"Kate, I'm going to put our jam on next." Ana declares "Bring it on Steele!"
Shit, your wife in the backseat of my brand new foreign car
Don't act like you forgot, I call the shots, shots, shots
Where y'all at, where y'all at, where y'all at
Like brrap, brrap, brrap
Where y'all at, where y'all at, where y'all at
Like brrap, brrap, brrap
Where y'all at, where y'all at, where y'all at
Like brrap, brrap, brrap
Where y'all at, Where y'all at, where y'all at
Bitch better have my money!
Y'all should know me well enough
Bitch better have my money!
Please don't call me on my bluff
Pay me what you owe me
Ballin' bigger than LeBron
Bitch, give me your money
Who y'all think y'all frontin' on?
Bitch better have my
Bitch better have my
Kate , Mia Ana sing word for word and try to act as tough they can as they sway with the beat and Elliot laughs his ass off.
"Elliot anything specific you'd like to request?" Ana asks. "Dealers choice" Elliot replies. "In that case I have the perfect song. I feel like this probably describes teenage Elliot Grey, perfectly." Ana quips.
If your mother knew all of the things that we do
If your mother knew all the things we do
If your mother knew, she'd keep me so far from you
If your mother knew all the things we do
Sneak out the window, pass over pillows
I'll be waiting in the car right around the block
Back of the Benzo (back of the Benzo)
More than a friend zone (more than a friend zone)
We've been hiding since the time they forgot to knock
Mother – Charlie Puth.
The song ends. "Teenage Elliot? Steele, you have no idea..." Elliot laughs out loud and the girls giggle while I just enjoy the banter. "I'm sure Kate will eventually tell me!" Ana laughs. "Fuck off, Steele!" Kate snaps back laughing.
"Christian, what about you, any song request? She asks me and I feel a little shy all of a sudden. This feels fucking weird, ugh fucking hell.
"Maybe some post Malone?" I say laughing and Ana laughs out loud.
"Look at you two with you inside jokes already" Elliot teases. "Fuck off Elliot" I laugh and the girls giggle at the back.
Used to have friends now I got enemies (damn)
Used to keep 'em close now they dead to me (ooh)
Money tend to show all they tendencies (damn)
Enemies, yeah it's so sad
Sometimes, every time, they let me down
Sometimes, every time, they let me down
Used to have friends now I got enemies
Enemies, yeah it's so sad
Enemies – Post Malone
Ana sings out loud with Mia and Kate acting it out. I look through the side mirror and Ana sways side to side, eyes closed, smiling and singing with abandon.
I suddenly realize I never knew life could be like this, so warm and filled with happiness.
"Mia baby what about you? Any request?" Ana asks lovingly. "I actually have a question before you play a song, where did you learn how to sing?"
I tell Mia to drop it. And Mia innocently asks why. "It's okay Christian." Ana replies.
"Mia, I had an accident when I was 17 and I was critical for about a year. First 6 months I was in a coma and then when I came to, I was paralyzed and couldn't even access my voice. In my road to recovery my voice was the last to come back to me. I had to learn how to speak again, so I would hum a lot, spending so many hours listening to music and trying to sing it. I did take some lessons for eastern singing a few years ago but nothing substantial. In the end, I guess you could say I lost my voice to find it... and now I can't shut up with the singing." She ends with a laugh.
Mia sobs and hugs Ana "I'm so sorry Ana".
"It's okay babies, it happened a long time ago and I'm all better now, so now tell me the song you want."
Elliot and I pass a look at each other and I take a deep breath.
"Something from Kacey Musgraves please."
"Coming right up!" Ana giggles. The warm acoustic guitar sounds fill the car and Ana, Kate and Mia softly sing along. I see Ana from my sideview mirror and she's singing out to the wild completely lost and she sounds so beautiful. Music is like her therapy. Whatever she can't process, her brain just picks a song and it flows through her. Pretty soon Ana's voice is the only one singing in the car and she doesn't even realize it.
All that I know
Is you caught me at the right time
Keep me in your glow
'Cause I'm having such a good time
With you
Baby, don't you know?
That you're my golden hour
The color of my sky
You've set my world on fire
And I know, I know everything's gonna be alright
I used to get sad
And lonely when the sun went down
But it's different now
'Cause I love the light that I've found
In you
Baby, don't you know?
That you're my golden hour
The color of my sky
You've set my world on fire
And I know, I know everything's gonna be alright
Mmh
You make the world look beautiful, oooh
I thought I'd seen it all before
But looking through your eyes
It looks like paradise
You set my world on fire, yeah
And I know, I know everything's gonna be alright
You're my golden hour
The color of my sky
You've set my world on fire
And I know, I know everything's gonna be alright
Yeah I know, I know everything's gonna be alright
Golden hour, mmh
"Your turn Kavanagh!"
"Who is that French singer you always sing to... the lolo girl" Kate asks "Oh yeah Lolo Zouai, she's French-Algerian from around this area actually. You want the French song from her or the one about ocean beach?" Ana asks. "French one!" Kate replies.
Je ne suis pas chez moi
Chez moi
Je ne suis pas chez moi
Chez moi, chez moi
Moi, je ne suis
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (-ez moi)
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (moi)
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (-ez moi)
Chez-ez moi, chez moi
Je ne suis
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (-ez moi)
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (moi)
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (-ez moi)
Chez-ez moi, chez
Yeah, I've been in limbo
On my own, on my own
Since I left San Francisco, oh (yeah, yah)
Now home is where I lay my pillow, oh
Red lips, no kiss, and I'm gone
Hit 'em with the bilingual
Je sais que je m'en vais
You won't see me again
Je ne suis pas
Moi, je ne suis
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (-ez moi)
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (moi)
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (-ez moi)
Chez-ez moi, chez moi
Je ne suis
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (-ez moi)
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (je ne suis pas)…
Ana sings French so beautifully; I realize I've never told her I speak French.
"Ana I loved that, I'm going to check her out." Mia muses
"Oh yeah definitely, she's got so many good ones. Lose Myself and Summers in Vegas are her best in addition to the one you just heard." Ana tells her
"Do you speak French, Ana?"
"Oh no... I think it was a miracle I was able to learn Hindi/Urdu when I did. Do you?"
"Yeah, Christian and I speak French and Elliot speaks Spanish." Mia states proudly.
"Oh... I didn't know, that's so cool. You two have you own secret code when you want to" Ana giggles.
"Ana can you sing song in hindi? It sounds so beautiful" Mia begs.
"Um... I don't think it will sound that great acapella." Ana says shyly.
"Come Steele, sing it for us." Elliot encourages her.
"Um... okay, there's only one song that comes to mind right now..." Ana acquiesces and clears her throat a bit.
As she sings it tugs at my heart. I have no idea what it means but her voice is so full pain and longing. Her voice is a bit dark at first and then you can suddenly hear the urgency in her voice as she tells the story. I see her from the sideview mirror and she looks out the window with such sadness. I take a quick look back at Kate looking out at the water and tears are in her eyes. She knows what it means. Ana ends the song and I can hear Mia crying. Ana then starts to explain and her voice is strained.
"It's the story of this girl who is the beginning of falling in love but is confused by all these overwhelming feelings and can't seem to make sense of it so the spirit of love itself comes to speak to her. He essentially puts her feelings into words. The rough translation is, and of course the English language doesn't do it justice but you can get an idea.
when my eyes met yours,
when my eyes met yours my love,
I suddenly found that I lost all control in life. I cannot live without you.
Love is eternal life
When my eyes met yours I found light
When my hand touched yours I found life
Love is the story of life
There is no life without love
And love is eternal
Why does a flame wish to burn all in its path
Why does a moth desire to burn itself
Life is just a test of these desires
If love spares your life, beyond death your story will endure
How does one live? How can one live without love?
There is no one without a heart or incapable of love
Every soul wishes to quench its thirst with love
Where love is, there is life
If there is no love then there is no life.
(Javeda Zindagi – Kshitij & Shilpa Rao.)
Mia is full on sobbing now. "Hey babies, don't cry." Ana says with her voice cracking, picks up her hand and kisses it. It warms my heart and my eyes start to burn. Thank god for these sunglasses. Elliot takes a deep breath and looks at me with a small smile.
"Do you believe in a love like that Ana, I hope I can find a love like that." Mia asks.
" I have to believe in it otherwise when we settle for less we'll just get less. And Mia when the time is right you will find your all encompassing love too. You've got so much life to live, just be open to it." Ana finishes.
"Okay now for the most important questions, are we there yet?" Ana giggles trying to lighten the mood.
"Almost" Elliot tries to tide her.
We get to Carmel by the Sea and it's a breath of fresh air, we're far from all the craziness of the resort and free to be ourselves and walk around. I help Ana out of the car and she looks tired. I give her a small kiss on the lips and she smiles as brightly as she can.
We settle at an Italian restaurant and give our orders. Ana asks us stories about our childhood and Mia does impressions of us and tells heartwarming stories of our family trips. Kate and Ana talk about how they met in college and how they're still so surprised that for being polar opposites they found each other and have built a long lasting friendship. Our food comes and it's delicious, Ana initiates and proceeds to try food from everyone's plate without asking and she's fucking adorable at it. She prefaces it by saying she has no shame and everyone has to pay the Ana tax in by letting her sample their food in return for gracing us with her charming company. I kiss her temple every now and then and Mia gives me a warm, knowing look. I know a scene like this is the norm for most people but for me it's brand new and I'm intoxicated by it. I want more of it. Ana is helping me strengthen and find new meaning in my family bonds with each sibling and parent and all in a span of three days.
We pay the bill and head out to Point Lobos. It's fairly empty as we walk around and it's absolutely beautiful. Ana is happy. She takes so many pictures and the girls make us take pictures and videos of them. She makes Kate and Elliot pose and even though she's using her phone she takes some fantastic photos. Kate takes some pictures of us and it's comical. Elliot says the most outrageous stuff to get Ana to laugh and he's successful every time and as a result we get wonderfully candid pictures of each other; of Ana and I bathed in golden hour light, looking at each other, kissing each other and walking around being ourselves. Ana takes pictures of Mia and I and they're beautiful. I'm with my favorite people and life has never been this good. I have never felt this content.
Even though it's chilly, every time I kiss Ana's skin it's warm and she glows. We all watch the sunset together but I can't keep my eyes off of Ana. Even though she's in my embrace she makes sure to hold Mia's hand as well, as if not to leave her behind, making sure she's not feeling like a 5th wheel. The sentiment makes my heart swell, she really does think of everything. It starts to get dark as we walk back, Ana profusely thanks us all for bringing her out and we all scold her and she giggles. Before we get to the car, Ana asks if I can sit at the back with her and Elliot ends up driving with Kate in the front seat. She sits with me at the back and I put my arm around her while she reaches out to hold Mia's hand again.
"DJ Steele, play us some music." Elliot demands. Ana agrees in a small voice. I tip up her head and her eyes are sad again. I give her a small kiss and she clicks play on the playlist and places her head on my chest and looks out the window and doesn't sing or hum at all but I feel her breathe. Each song more meaningful than the last, she takes us into her world and it's beautiful. It's sad but it's full of bright colors and all the emotions that she shows on a daily basis. We all are quiet taking it in, I feel the music deep in my core, in some instances it feels as she is talking to me and me only through the song.
Slow Burn – Kacey Musgraves
Young – Vallis Alps
Fingias – Paloma Mami
Shore – Daniela Andrade
Come Away With Me – Norah Jones
Mystery of Love – Sufjan Stevens
Isfahan – E.S. Posthumus
Motion – Khalid
A Dedication – Washed Out
Summer Vegas – Lolo Zouai
Here With Me – Daniel Blake
Boy – Instupendo
Go Slow – HAIM
Resonance – Home
Ghostin – Ariana Grande.
As the last notes of the song start to fade we make it to the reception area of the resort. Sawyer is waiting to take the car from us. I try wake up Ana but she's spent. She climbs out of the car and is barely able to walk at first. It takes her a minute and she comes to.
"Damn, Steele, you sure know how to hit the feels with the music." Elliot says pulling her into a hug and rocks her a bit.
"Thanks Elliot Bhai" Ana says "bhai means big brother in hindi. I'm going to call you that." She says with a small and sad smile. Elliot kisses her temple and rubs her shoulder. She gives Kate and Mia a hug and we walk back to her cottage.
"I have to go see Nani for a bit, will you join me?" Ana asks all of a sudden.
"Are you sure, I don't want to cause any problems for you." I say. "It's okay, I told mama and I have a feeling Nani already knows about you." She says.
"As long as it's okay, I'd love to come see Nani with you." I smile.
Nani is in the living area, of her cottage, praying, when we arrive. We wait for her and when she's done she looks at Ana as if she hasn't see the light in forever. She beams and I sit next to her while Ana kneels to the floor in front of her. I start to realize she kneels in front of people as a way to disarm them and it instantly puts everyone at ease. Nani holds out her hand to me, takes mine and places it over Ana's and smiles, saying something. Ana laughs throwing her head back, and scolds her in hindi and then looks at me with her beautiful eyes "Okay don't freak out but she wants us to get married next and have babies asap, she wants to be a great grand nani before she dies, I told her to chill out because we just met." Ana giggles. I look at her and realize I do want to marry her, I want her with me for forever. I never thought I'd ever find that but I have.
She then picks up both of our hands and kisses them both saying something and Ana starts to cry. She holds Ana's face in her hands and kisses her forehead and continues to say something in Hindi. She then turns to me and puts her hand on my face and pats my head once, all while smiling with twinkling eyes. Ana kisses her hands and gets up to kiss her cheek. She says her goodbye and we head out.
"What did she say just now?" I ask Ana.
Ana wipes her face "She said I've seen so many men look at you with just their eyes and with bad intention, Christian saw you with his heart and he'll always see you that way." She looks up to me. "And to you she said, you deserve all the good things that will come from us being together, that's what happens when you're meant to be so let it happen, laugh more and allow yourself to be happy." God, how can she see through us? She doesn't even know me. I pick up her hand and kiss it and put my arm around her as we walk back to her cottage.
Once we're in, I go to start a bath and Ana calls her mom. She talks in both English and Hindi and it's a tense conversation I can tell. She eventually hangs up and comes to me and hugs me. She doesn't say anything just hugs me and places her head in my chest and I realize I no longer feel uneasy at the thought of her doing that but then again I'm still wearing my shirt. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be able to savor her touch everywhere and feel her warmth against every surface of me. I want to be healed.
"Baby, let's take a bath?" Ana, pulls out of my embrace, slowly nodding but still looking down. I take off her dress and panties. I hold her face and look into her eyes, they're red and tired. I kiss her lips softly and pull the ribbon out of her hair and it cascades all over her shoulders. She's so unbelievably beautiful. In every emotion, her beauty comes shining through and envelops you.
We sit in the bath, her back to my chest. I kiss her cheek and neck. Every now and then tipping her head back to look into her eyes. She's so deathly silent. I don't want her to live in sadness like this. She doesn't deserve any of this.
"I thought I would tell them about Vishaal but I chickened out at the last minute." She says sobbing. "I was too afraid to tell them that he raped me. Nita already lost so much, I don't want to cause her anymore pain and I can't lost them. I'll die if that happens. I hate that he still has all this power over me." I wrap my arms around her and she sobs uncontrollably, and I kiss her cheek. "I promise I'll keep you safe, please don't cry." I plead. She goes quiet again.
"Did you ever foresee yourself falling in love with such a freight train of emotion." She asks giggling. "Your parents are sweet but even they will probably be like, um yeah... no thanks, one weekend with her was enough." She laughs a little more.
"To be honest I think Grace has the same ideas your Nani has." I chuckle. Ana bursts out laughing and falls into a fit of laughter. "Doesn't matter what the culture is, moms are still only focused on one thing." She says as her laughter subsides.
I turn her head to me once more "you're not a freight train of emotion, you're life itself. You've shown me so much life in just a few days. I can't believe you're real. I'm not ready to go back to real life without you." I lean in and kiss her softly. She looks back smiling "I love you, Christian."
"I love you, Ana."
We're lying in bed naked, facing each other as I run my hands all over her, memorizing what her body feels like, what it looks like. Every now and then I kiss her and lick her, I want to remember how she smells and tastes. She throws her arms around my neck and kisses my face, looking into my eyes.
"Baby, what was that song you were singing when we first met?" I ask. The words are seared into my brain.
"I was singing? I don't remember. I thought I was making tea. Do you remember the words?"
"there was a line that stood out to me, 'you enchant me, even when you're not around', you sang it so beautifully."
"WAIT! That's like in the beginning of the song, you mean to tell me you heard me sing an entire song... you're such a creep Mr. Grey." She giggles.
I laugh "I was mesmerized, I couldn't move. I had never heard anything like that before. It haunted my dreams till I actually saw you in person."
She smiles and traces a finger around my lips. "The song is a cover. The original is a dance tune, really good but this cover really stripped it down and gave it a new meaning."
"Can I hear it again?"
"Um... okay." She's shy. I kiss her. "I'm not going to see you till next Saturday, I want to make as many memories as I can with you, memories that are only ours. I half want to drag you out of here with me back to Seattle but I also understand you need some time off to be with Nani and your mom." I say.
She kisses me and then looks into my eyes and starts to sing.
You lift my heart up
When the rest of me is down
You, you enchant me
Even when you're not around
If there are boundries
I will try to knock them down
I'm latching on, babe
Now I know what I have found
I can't help but kiss her as she sings, I kiss her neck, tasting her skin, making my way down to her breasts, biting and sucking them. She moans as she sings and it's fucking sexy.
I feel we're close enough
I wanna lock in your love, baby
I think we're close enough
Could I lock in your love?
Now I've got you in my space
I won't let go of you
Got you shackled in my embrace
I'm latching on to you
Now I've got you in my space
I won't let go of you
Got you shackled in my embrace
I'm latching on to you
I'm so en-captured
Got me wrapped up in your touch
Feel so enamored
Hold me tight within your touch
How do you do it,
You got me losing every breath
What did you give me
To make my heart beat out of my chest?
I remain fixed on her breasts. Kneading, squeezing, biting and licking. She loses here place in the song every now and then and starts to sing again, as her hands massage and pull my hair.
I'm so en-captured
Got me wrapped up in your touch
Feel so enamored
Hold me tight within your touch
How do you do it,
You got me losing every breath
What did you give me
To make my heart beat out of my chest?
I move down to between her legs, she's fucking drenched and it's the best sight to see and taste. I run my tongue along her lips and she arches up, moaning and losing her place in the song again. I lightly bite her and she half screams and moans "oh god christian"
I move back up and position myself to slowly enter her as she sings again
I feel we're close enough
I wanna lock in your love, baby
I think we're close enough
Could I lock in your love?
Now I've got you in my space
I won't let go of you
Got you shackled in my embrace
I'm latching on to you
Now I've got you in my space
I won't let go of you
Got you shackled in my embrace
I'm latching on to you
I go at an achingly slow pace, to get my fill of her. I trail kisses from her ear down to her neck, to her sternum and the back up again on the other side as she sings. She opens her eyes and holds my face then starts to sing against my lips. Meeting me thrust for thrust. It's intoxicating.
And I don't wanna let, don't wanna let go
No I don't wanna let, don't wanna let go
And I don't wanna let, don't wanna let go
No I don't, don't wanna let go
I lose myself completely and come hard into her, half yelling her name as she cries out her own release. Our breathing so loud it echoes in the entire room. I'm still on top and inside her. I want to stay here forever.
"Baby, see how fucking good we are together?" I ask, trying to catch my breath with my face in her neck.
"I never knew it could be like this. I guess I really was missing out" she giggles. "That's song #3 on to be added on our sex playlist, by the way." She adds.
I lift my head and shower her face with kisses "i missed out too but now we're here and we going to make the most out of it."
She puts her hand on my cheek and smiles.
"Make me a playlist, of all the songs you sang and played while we were together. I want to remember every detail of this weekend through them". She smiles back at me. "I will" She gives me a small kiss and I nestle back into her neck.
—-
My eyes open and I'm lying on my stomach. I see the faint beginnings of morning outside the window. I turn and see Ana's side is empty. I check my phone to see the time and it's almost 6am. Where did she go? I get up and put on my boxers and go to find her. I check the bathroom and she's not there, but I catch a glimpse of her outside the bathroom window on the terrace.
I walk back to the bedroom and throw my tshirt and sweatpants on and head to the terrace. The door is open enough for me to exit undetected. I see Ana standing in a t-shirt and jeans, wrapped in a shawl and Looking out across the water, as the sky changes it colors.
She sings to the sky with so much pain
My love
I will always love you
But never will I forgive you
For being gone for so long
My heart
Forever a little broken
So many nights I've woken
From a dream when you came back to me
She looks down and starts to cry uncontrollably while singing the following.
So won't you please, please
Please, please, please
Please, please, please, please
Release me
I've done my best
At doing the best that I can
I've spent my life in the shadow of a man
Now I wanna be the writer of this song
And a love, not just a longing
In a world that is just calling me
To be free
I walk up to her and put my arms around her. She's sounds so heartbroken, I want to try and do whatever I can do heal her. She turns around to me and put her arms around my neck as she cries into my chest. I rock her and kiss her hair. After a while, she lets go of me and wipes her tears away with her hands.
"Thank you, I needed that. I'm sorry if I woke you" she says looking down. I graze my knuckles against her cheek and kiss her forehead. "You didn't wake me, my alarm went off and I didn't see you there. Let's go and lay in bed for a while? You're freezing."
She nods and I lead her back to the bedroom.
As she gets into bed, I pull her back to my front and spoon her, kissing her neck and her cheeks.
"Baby, you sounded so heartbroken and those lyrics cut through, what happened?"
She takes a deep breath "I had a dream about my dad. I haven't seen him in my dreams for long time now with all this wedding crap and any time I do it's never for long enough and I wake up in a state of panic. I just miss him so much it hurts. He made me feel the safe and wanted me when no one else in the world did. He was there from the start and now I'm experiencing all these things in life and I can't share any of it with him or ask him for advice. I was his girl of Steele, he made me feel like I could take over the world one day and ever since the accident, I have all this darkness inside of me, I just want to be released of it. I don't want to feel this all consuming pain I do sometimes. Both emotional and physical, it makes wish I never survived." She says with a shuddering breath. I pull her in tight and turn her head to me. Her face red and tear stained. I kiss her soft lips. I want to take all her pain away but I can't, I'm a useless shit who knows nothing. My emotional range is so fucking limited.
"I'm so sorry baby, I wish I could take all your pain away."
"Just promise me you'll love me even in my darkest of times." She pleads, crying.
"I promise baby, I promise."
...
"You look so handsome Mr. Grey!"
"It's just a face and expensive suit, nothing else." I shrug.
"And a beautiful heart! Nani says that even the most beautiful person can seem ugly if they have an unkind heart and that someone who you wouldn't conventionally call beautiful or attractive can look like the most beautiful person in the world if they have a kind heart and give love... so it turns out I won the jackpot" she giggles.
I give her a small smile.
"Are you sure you don't want to eat something, or have coffee? I can have it delivered to the room?" Ana asks. She's sitting on the counter, with her feet dangling watching me as I get dressed. I keep wishing I didn't have to leave.
"It's okay baby, we'll have something on the plane. Don't worry."
"Christian, it's a minimum 1 hr drive to Monterey." She takes out her phone and makes a call.
"Good morning Madison! How are you? I'm good... thank you for asking... yes I know, I'm so embarrassed... but I had to end the whole weekend with dramatic flair... something for you to remember me all by..." she giggles. I fucking love that even in such sadness she can laugh and make fun. "I just had a tiny favor, my friends are leaving this morning but are in a hurry and won't be able to have breakfast, can we stop by the kitchen to get come coffee in to go cups and some pastries? Would Chef B be okay with that?... uh huh... oh gosh, thank you... perfect... I love you guys, you're the best. I should be there in the next 20 mins or so. Thank you, thank you!" She ends the call and beams at me with that beautiful smile that makes me forget where I am sometimes. "Done! We just gotta make a quick pit stop on our way to reception!"
I walk to kiss her . "You're so good at taking care of people, you think of everything even at your expense. You never cease to amaze me." She throws her arms and legs around me and pulls me closer "Only because you're so special to me Mr. Grey." She pulls and kisses me again. I savor every second of contact with her.
We break away the kiss and I resume getting dressed. Ana lifts her phone to record a message.
"Good morning my favorite people, I know you're probably busy getting dressed but meet me and Christian in the garden in another 15 mins and we'll head to the kitchen for a quick 5, Chef B prepped some coffee and snacks to go for you!" She sends the message into our group chat. That's another thing I never foresaw happening in my life. Being in a group chat with my brother, his girlfriend, my sister and my girlfriend, and actually enjoy the random shit they say. Only Ana can make this happen.
I laugh and she looks at me. "What's amusing you Mr. Grey?"
"You are Miss Steele, I loathed the idea of group chats, Mia tried making us one with mom and dad and I deleted that shit as soon as she made it. I left the group but with you now, I love it. It's such a sweet way for us to talk, it'll feel like an extension of the weekend to carry into our real lives."
She smiles, "I wish we could have lived in this bubble forever but yes having you all in a group chat is something that makes me excited, it's our little safe space to post updates without the fear or getting found out on social media, plus I only want to share updates with you guys. So i'll probably spam you guys with some Grade A SF content." She giggles.
"I expect nothing less Miss Steele!" I say with a wink.
The door knocks and Ana looks puzzled. "It's probably Ryan, my security, to pick up my bag."
"You have security at the resort?"
"I never travel without security, Ana. They just keep a safe distance but are there when needed. They were with us yesterday as well when we went out yesterday"
We both head to the door and I hand Ryan my bag and tell him we'll be ready to leave another 20 mins.
"Good morning Ryan, I'm Ana. Have you and Sawyer had coffee or breakfast?" Ana asks and Ryan is momentarily lost at the question but quickly recovers. "Yes ma'am, we had coffee in our room and we'll grab something at the airport." He replies.
"That's too long from now, please stop by the kitchen and ask for Chef B, tell them Ana sent you and please grab some more coffee and pastries for yourself and Sawyer. I've already called ahead, I insist" She smiles. Ryan gives a small smile and nod "Thank you Miss Steele, we appreciate that!" He turns and walks away. Ana picks up her phone to make a call again.
"Madison, could you please transfer me to the kitchen?" She waits for a few seconds "Buongiorno, Chef B!... bene! Listen two friends of mine will come back to get some coffee and pick up a snack for the road, Ryan and Sawyer... awww thank you and yes I will be there soon with the rest of my gang!... Yaaay okay i'll see you in another 15 mins!"
I am so god damn floored. Who is this woman? She's so out of my league. I grab her face and kiss the fucking life out of her. "Miss Steele, pretty sure everyone who works for me will end up defying me and only take orders from you."
She takes a moment to recover from the kiss and giggles "That's right, you better watch yourself Mr. Grey, I'm coming for you!"
"I want you to come for me in all sorts of ways Miss Steele." She throws back her head and laugh and I shower her neck with kisses. "You perv!" she giggles. "No denying that, now come on wench, let's get me the food you promised!" I slap her ass and she squeals. God I'm going to miss that ass.
We walk hand and in hand to the great garden area and meet up with everyone. Ana hugs everyone and leads up to the kitchen were we pick up coffee and make ourselves to go boxes. Ana gives Chef B the biggest hug and thanks him, he blushes under her praise and kisses her cheek with paternal affection.
We walk up the front where both SUV's are waiting. Kate and Elliot decide to take one while Mia asks to ride with me.
Elliot embraces Ana and kisses her forehead and rocks her a bit "take care of yourself Steele, I'm gonna miss ya. Let's hang as soon as you're back!"
"Thanks Elliot bhai, for being the best. Take care of my girl, I can't live without her."
"Damn Steele, got me all choked up. You know I got you!" He smiles and release her to Kate.
"Steele and Kavanagh forever!" Kate says as she kisses and hugs Ana "You need anything, you call me and I will get to SF on the next flight okay, baby?" Ana nods "yes mama! Don't burn the apartment down, there's enough groceries to last you till I'm back and I made some food, check the freezer."
"Okay thank god cause I was worried about that" Kate laughs.
"Ana banana, I'm gonna miss you so much." Mia whines and hugs Ana. Ana kisses her cheek and rocks her a bit. "I promise i'll take you dancing when you come back." Mia exclaims "I can't wait Mia" Ana smiles.
Ana and I walk to each other, she looks up with teary eyes but smiles "so I guess this is it huh?" She giggles. I hold her face with both of my hands and kiss her deeply.
"WOOOOOHOOOOOOO HOT DAMN GET IT CHRISTIAN!" Elliot yells before getting into the SUV as Kate tells him to shut up. Mia joins in too, whistling and cheering. I'd ditch them on the side of the road if I didn't actually like them.
Ana breaks the kiss and ends up giggling as she tries to walk away. I pull her against my body again and look into her beautiful ocean blue eyes "i can't wait till we're together again baby." I whisper. She smiles again "same here Mr. Grey, same here."
"Dream of me?"
"You know I will. I love you Christian."
"I love you, Ana. If you need anything, promise me you'll tell me. "
"I will. I promise."
I give her one last kiss on the lips and head into the SUV. She steps back to wards the waiting area and smiles brightly waving at us but I can see she's putting on a brave face. It breaks my heart. We drive away.
Mia sobs a little. "what's wrong MimI?" I ask.
"I'm going to miss her, I got so used to seeing her this weekend and we hung out a few times in Seattle that after the Cabo trip, last month. I've never had a friend like her."
I squeeze her hand.
"I'm gonna miss her like crazy too." I squeeze her hand and say with a smile.
"I feel so bad for lying to her all this time. Scooter told me I could trust them but after that psycho Phoebe incident I didn't want to take any chances. Otherwise I would've introduced you both earlier"
I take a deep breath. Phoebe was a real close call. Another bat shit crazy submissive gone off the rails. Thankfully Mia chose not to ask any more questions after that whole incident and kept it to us siblings only but since then it's been hard for Mia to make new friends. She's been paranoid and weary of new people ever since. She's always struggled with finding true friends, God knows what a bitch Lily is. Most people either wanted to be friends with her because of the money or because they wanted to date Elliot or myself. I'm glad she has Ana and Kate now.
"I'm so happy for you Christian, you guys are so good for each other, like all those beautiful songs Ana sung this weekend." Mia muses as she looks out the window.
"Her voice is how I met her at GEH." I confess.
"Oh my god, tell me the story don't leave anything out" she turns to me and holds my hand like a child.
I tell her the whole story and she listens intently and looks at me smiling and with tears in her eyes.
"Christian that is the BEST meet cute EVER!"
"Meet cute?"
"Yeah, every love story has that moment where two people meet and it's a cute encounter that is the beginning of their love story."
I laugh. "You're crazy, Mimi but I still adore you."
"You better."
Authors Note: I hope this answered some questions about Ana's story. Let me know if you have any others. There's a lot more to Ana and Vishaal's story that will come out in the next chapters. I have written about 24 chapters in total as of now so lots will be happening.
Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - be sure to check out the board for chapter 11. Major romance sunset vibes.
Music:
Drive to Carmel By The Sea Playlist
Loyal - PARTYNEXTDOOR feat. Drake
IFLY - Bazzi
Superstar - Majid Jordan
Pusher Love Girl - Justin Timberlake
Bitch Better Have My Money - Rihanna
Mother - Charlie Puth
Enemies - Post Malone
Golden Hour - Kacey Musgraves
Moi - Lolo Zouai
Javeda Zindagi – Kshitij & Shilpa Rao - Hindi song that Ana sings in the car.
Drive to Big Sur Playlist
Slow Burn – Kacey Musgraves
Young – Vallis Alps
Fingias – Paloma Mami
Shore – Daniela Andrade
Come Away With Me – Norah Jones
Mystery of Love – Sufjan Stevens
Isfahan – E.S. Posthumus
Motion – Khalid
A Dedication – Washed Out
Summer Vegas – Lolo Zouai
Here With Me – Daniel Blake
Boy – Instupendo
Go Slow – HAIM
Resonance – Home
Ghostin – Ariana Grande.
Latch - Daniela Andrade - song Ana sings to Christian in bed.
Release Me - Inara George - song that Ana sings early morning before everyone leaves.
