11:
"I can't believe this! I can't believe you were so set on finding Seth because he fucking walked away and then you made me think you did exactly the same fucking thing!" Dean yelled at me.
I hadn't realized that my actions could have such hurtful consequences. In all the chaos, I hadn't even accomplished what I had set out to do in the first place, which was to bring Seth home. I couldn't tell anyone that I had even found him, which made it look more like I had gone on my quest for nothing.
"I'm sorry, I didn't think—" I started.
"That's right! You didn't think!" Dean interrupted.
I got angry and fought back, "I'm the responsible one around here! Why can't I have a moment where I stumble?"
Dean blinked a few times with surprise, then he shot back, "This isn't a stumble, Wynona! This is fall-off-a-mountainside-hit-flat-on-your-ass kind of thing! You know I called the cops?"
"What? Didn't Uncle Johnny tell you I left?" I asked.
Dean waved his hands in the air and answered angrily, "He told me he dropped you off at the bus station! Would that not give me a clue as to where you were going and how long you'd be gone?!"
Again, I hadn't thought of my actions like that. I tried to explain more quietly, "Look, I was just going to the ranch house outside of town to find Seth."
"Alone?! Completely fucking alone?!" Dean yelled.
He had a good point. I sighed with frustration and continued, "I thought if I took you with me, that there would be a fight."
"What about the Usos? Why didn't you ask one or both of them to go with you? What about Uncle Johnny? He would've been a great choice!" Dean looked like he wanted to go on but he stopped himself.
"I get it, alright? I get it! I thought that if I found Seth, he would only want to talk to me! I didn't think the rest of it through, okay?!"
Dean opened his mouth to argue with me some more. I shoved him aside and stated, "I'm done talking to you."
I went into the house. I knew he wouldn't yell at me inside when the kids were asleep. He followed closely behind me as I made my way to the kitchen and opened the fridge. Dean sat down at the kitchen table and noisily shifted in his chair. He was staring at me as I got some things out to make a sandwich.
"Make me one too, why don't you?" Dean folded his arms.
"Make your own damn-" I stopped and closed my eyes to count to ten so I didn't yell.
Dean chuckled and I opened my eyes to glare at him. The light from the open door of the fridge was all that I could see him with. I flicked on the light switch by the sink and Dean blinked a few times to adjust. I made my sandwich and tossed him the ingredients. He grudgingly made one for himself, smashing his bread and his tomato slice together like they had done him wrong.
We sat at the table and ate our sandwiches in angry silence. We were glaring at one another the whole time, like whoever had the dirtiest look might win. Neither of us realized what a couple of idiots we looked like.
I finished my sandwich first and said, "I'm going to bed."
"Me, too," Dean stated, tossing the rest of his sandwich over his shoulder and into the trash. Some of it hit the wall along the way and left a streak of mayonnaise.
"You have to put away the sandwich stuff or it'll spoil," I pointed out.
"You do it!" Dean argued.
"Why do I have to do everything around here?" I shot back.
He stared at me for a few moments, then he grabbed the ingredients and practically threw them back inside the fridge. He slammed the door of the fridge so hard that it made a loud creak. We both stopped for a moment to listen for the kids. There were no other sounds.
"You are so selfish," Dean shook his head at me.
"Selfish? I'm the only one who bothered to go looking for Seth!" I argued.
Dean came up really close to my face and asked thickly, "Did he want to be found?"
I was caught by surprise. Dean had figured out the whole situation without having to hear a word from me. He knew once I said I went looking for Seth at his ranch house that I had found him and he had turned down the chance to come home. There was no changing Dean's mind, now. It was also written all over my face. I couldn't hide the pain I felt from Dean's question.
"Don't tell anyone! He made me promise not to tell anyone or..." I trailed off.
Dean was quieter when he asked, "Or what?"
"I made a promise, that's all," I answered.
Dean's anger lessened significantly. He asked me more kindly, "Are you okay?"
"I cried a lot while Roman was taking me home. It was embarrassing. I think he thought I was some big baby or something," my cheeks grew hot just thinking about it.
Dean pulled me into a hug. I started to feel the tears coming up again as I told him, "I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I thought I could just go out there and tell Seth to come home. I thought he just needed to know that someone cared and he'd be fine."
"He thought you came for another reason, though," Dean whispered into my ear.
It was like he could read my mind. I confessed, "I had no idea how bad it looked until Seth got all confused and asked if I came there to fuck."
Dean lessened his grip on me so he could look me in the eyes. I added morosely, "I didn't even know his real name was Colby. Did you know that? It was humiliating! The old lady who took me into the house, she was like, 'Master Colby,' and I was like, 'Excuse me, please thanks, but I'm looking for Seth,' and she gave me the filthiest look on the planet, like, 'Dumb bitch doesn't even know his real name'!"
"Yeah, I knew it. That his name was Colby, not that you're a dumb bitch," Dean said.
He saw the appalled look on my face and he added quickly, "I found out by accident. Brock got one of those cheese baskets for Christmas one year and Seth and I were eating it all. I was making fun of the Colby cheese because of the name and Seth said something about Colby being his given name. He was all bent outta shape about it. I thought he was just being a douche bag and he wasn't serious."
"Oh my God, I know nothing!" I wanted to cry.
"That's not true," Dean hugged me closer.
"It is true! I was trying to talk to Roman on the way home and the subject came up about the rumors at school that Seth spread around. Roman was acting all nice about how he misjudged me because of the rumors and I blurted out that I was a virgin! I mean, how stupid is that?!"
Dean chuckled and replied, "You really shouldn't tell the one guy who thinks you're an angel sent from above that you're a virgin."
"He thinks I'm an angel? Oh God, he knows nothing!" I stated.
Dean laughed out loud. There was a long silence before I took my head out of his chest and looked up at him. I confessed something that I could only ever tell Dean, "I was really scared. Of Seth, I mean. He was different at the ranch house. He was...if Roman hadn't answered his phone, I would've had to stay the night, and I don't think Seth was planning on letting me sleep."
Dean was more tense for a moment, then he relaxed and said, "That's just Seth. I thought you knew."
I shook my head. I felt so foolish as I replied, "No, I didn't know that."
Dean sighed and changed the subject, "You tired? It's really late."
"Yeah, I want to go to bed. Could I sleep with you?" I asked.
"I'm still mad at you," Dean mentioned, but he took my hand and led me along, anyway.
We got to his room and I climbed into his bed, first. He pulled my boots and socks off and then took off his own boots and socks. He removed his jeans. He had on a pair of black boxers underneath. He lay down next to me and I curled up beside him. He was on his back, staring at the ceiling. I put my right hand on his chest and wrapped my right leg over his hips.
He was quiet, but he didn't close his eyes. I studied his face for a while. His left arm was resting above his head while he had his right arm draped around my shoulders. He brought his left arm down and ran his fingertips up the length of my right leg. He went all the way up my thigh and brushed the rim of my underwear. He lingered there for a while, flicking the elastic with his fingernails and tracing the white lace design.
It started out as a curiosity. His fingertips were leading the way and his brain wasn't paying all that much attention. It tickled a little bit. I instinctively bucked my hips. A quick, unintentional reaction to the ticklish feeling. I could feel him getting excited. His erection touched the back of my thigh through his boxers.
His fingertips played along, led by desire and stronger curiosity. He traveled to my backside. He traced the crevice between my cheeks through the underwear. This seemed to excite him even more, though he had not yet touched my skin.
He traced his way back up to the elastic. He tugged on it a little bit. He tugged on it a little more. He pulled it down until he could see me in front. I straightened my legs out beside him. He sat up and guided my underwear down. I bent my knees until he had traveled the entire length of both legs. He pulled past my feet and brought my underwear up to his face.
He put his nose in it and took a deep breath. I would've yelled at him for being weird if I wasn't so turned on by it.
Dean lay back down and put my underwear on the end table beside his bed. I was surprised he didn't just toss them to the floor. He sat up again and turned away from me. He pulled his tank top over his head. I put my hand on his lower back. I found a tiny scar there I had never noticed, before. I traced it with my fingers.
He removed his boxers. He had to stand up a bit to take them off. I got a full view of his backside. It was more pale than the rest of him. He had a dimple that was more pronounced on the right cheek. I squeezed my lips together when I saw it.
Dean opened the drawer of his end table. I saw some dirty magazines and tissues and a stash of condoms. There was a tube of something that I thought might be lotion. Dean took one of the condoms and opened it. He carefully worked it onto himself. He took out the tube and dumped some into his palm. He rubbed it on himself over the condom. It had a fruity smell.
He put the tube back and closed the drawer. He turned to face me. He looked kind of serious and sad at the same time. He lay back down on his back. His erection was bigger than I thought it would be. I watched it curiously.
"Straddle me like a horse," he said, tugging at my elbow.
I sat up on my knees. I was still wearing a bra and my dress. I asked softly, "Do you want me to take everything off, first?"
"Just leave it on this time," he answered, sounding a bit rushed.
I straddle him like he said, but I sat up on my knees so I could aim for the right place before coming back down on him. Dean put his hands over my hips. I shuddered from a mix of pleasure and fear. I had no idea what I was doing at this point. He would have to guide me.
I put my hands on his abs and leaned forward a bit. I didn't mean it to be sexy, but Dean reacted to the posture with a low groan. He was so sensitive to my every move. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.
He moved my hips slightly to the left. He picked up the rim of my dress and tossed it over my left leg so that he could see my bottom half a little better. He re-positioned my hips more to the right. Then, he asked me, "Are you ready?"
"Um...I guess," I answered, not sure what he meant.
"We could do some foreplay," he said.
"I don't...I think I'm okay," I replied.
"Are you wet? You should feel wet inside. I don't want to hurt you. The lube I put on should help, but..." he was trying to decide how to explain it.
"I feel pretty warm inside," I said, which only seemed to excite him even more.
"Damn, Wynnie, I don't know if I can hold it very long," Dean replied.
I thought maybe I was making him lose his boner. I asked quickly, "Did I do something wrong?"
"No, it's not that," Dean answered.
He closed his eyes and mumbled something to himself. When he opened his eyes again, he told me, "Just come on down. I should be in the middle hole."
He tried to guide me by my hips, but I was on my own for most of what came next. I slowly came back down, worried that I could hurt him or myself or both of us if I didn't do it just right. I was surprised when I felt his tip at my opening. I let out a short gasp and Dean made a strange noise like he was in pain.
"Sorry," I said, trying to be more quiet.
"No, it's good, you're..." he couldn't seem to get the words out.
I moved down a little further. He began to slide in just like he said he would. It was an odd sensation, like having a foreign object invading my space, but it was warm and felt natural.
There was a bit of pain as he sank deeper inside. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The other girls at school had told horror stories of nightmarish, blinding pain for their first times. I always wondered if it was an exaggeration. For me, it wasn't so bad. I felt a mix of pleasure and confusion, like maybe I was not like the others for feeling less pain, though I didn't know if it was a good thing or not.
"Move up and down, honey," Dean squeezed my hips a little to get me started.
I leaned forward again and started moving my hips. The motions came naturally. My body was taking over where my mind had decided to stall.
I could feel my body shaking. Some of it was from the sensation. Inside, a friction began to build. I could feel nerve endings sparking from Dean's internal massage. I felt hot all over. Almost stifling. My breath got faster and faster. I could feel the beating of my heart in my ears.
Dean's hands were all over me. He was on my hips, then my backside, then up my back, then under my bra. He cupped my breasts for a while. He pulled his hands out and pulled on the neck of my dress until it was over my left shoulder. He really, really liked looking at my naked, exposed shoulder.
There was a smell, but I couldn't quite place it. An odd taste filled my mouth. I didn't know what it was until I realized that Dean had sat up to kiss me.
He rolled us over so I was lying down and he was on top of me. He was also breathing fast and he could only give me light, quick kisses. He tried to kiss me hard once, but he couldn't hold it. When he took over, he was faster. The friction continued to build. I started moaning out loud. I couldn't help it.
Dean tried to go a little faster. He slowed again after a short time. I thought he was trying to impress me or something. I wrapped my legs around him. That seemed to help build the friction even further. I pressed my hands against Dean's shoulders. He arched his back and looked me in the eyes for a moment.
I saw something there. A vulnerability that I had never seen, before. It was almost like I could hear him pleading, "Don't ever leave me, don't ever leave me..."
His eyes clenched shut. He lurched forward. He buried his head against my naked shoulder. I felt his erection go down. I felt like it had ended too soon. I wasn't ready.
Dean was out before I could protest. I didn't know what I could even say to argue. I understood that he didn't have a choice in the matter, but there was something missing about the whole thing.
It wasn't about my release. I wanted to feel it, sure, but it was more about the connection. I wanted to maintain that connection with Dean. I had never felt so close with another person, before. I felt a twinge of fear that I would never feel it with anyone ever again.
Dean took off his condom and tossed it into the small trash can next to his bed. It flopped against the rim of the can in a kind of disgusting way. My mind had come back to me and I suddenly realized how sweaty and weird the whole thing was.
Then, Dean brought his fingertips down and brushed up against my front, and I was suddenly aware of the pleasure once more.
He massaged on top as the friction began to build up again. It was not like before, but he was able to work up a rhythm that I enjoyed just fine. He kept his eyes on me while he did it, like he wanted to witness my every micro-reaction to his touch. I could hear myself starting to moan, again. I didn't really like the sounds I made, but Dean seemed completely enticed by it.
I closed my eyes to get a better grasp on what was happening. When I opened my eyes, again, Dean asked me, "Does it feel good?"
"Mmm-hmm," I hummed.
He tried to kiss me, but he lost his rhythm and his fingertips slipped down to my middle. I was caught by surprise when he decided to insert one of his fingers to explore where he had just been. I thought my body would react negatively to yet another foreign intrusion, but it seemed to delight in the warm softness resuming a calmer version of the massage it was receiving just moments before.
Dean curved his hand so that his thumb was still massaging on top while his fingers did their routine from inside. This was an unexplored subject for me, something that I had only heard about in sex jokes. Something about the pink and a sink.
I put my arms around him. I liked feeling the bones of his shoulder blades gliding along his back like a butterfly spreading its wings. I liked to feel the tendons of his shoulders and the muscles of his upper arms as they expanded and contracted. Suddenly, he removed his fingers from inside me and he put them in his mouth. I wasn't sure what to think of it. Dean seemed more than pleased with what he had done.
He pulled his fingers out of his mouth and went in, again. I was starting to feel less excited by all the commotion. Dean started up a rhythm once more. I thought my release would be there at any moment, but it was starting to drift away from me.
Dean could read it on my expression. He asked, "What's wrong?"
"I don't know. I can't feel it, anymore," I answered.
"Nothing at all?" Dean was surprised.
"No, I can feel you still, it's just...I don't think I'm going to orgasm."
"Oh."
"Is it alright if we stop, now?" I asked.
"Sure," Dean slowed his rhythm and took his fingers out.
"Did I freak you out, before?" Dean asked, referring to when he tasted his fingers.
"I don't think so. I think I just got lost or something."
"Lost?" Dean was even more confused.
"I'm sorry, I don't know how to explain it. It was there and now it's gone," I said.
"Okay," Dean nodded, still unsure.
I glanced down. I could see his second erection building up. I asked him, "Do you want to do it, again?"
"I, uh...I don't think we should do it again if you're not into it," he answered.
"It's not that! I'm into it, I am!" I reassured him.
Dean considered it for a moment before he sat up to get another condom. He rubbed on even more lube this time. He laid down on his back and said, "Why don't you stay on top this time, huh?"
I straddled him once more. He asked me, "Are you uncomfortable? With your bra and dress on?"
"No, but I'll take them off this time," I answered.
I started to lift my dress up. Dean took the edges of the fabric and guided my dress over my head. We let it fall to the floor. He reached around and opened my bra. I let it slide down my right arm. It made a small thudding sound as it landed on top of my dress.
I looked down at the pile of clothing. It seemed oddly out of place.
The second time was a little easier for me. I was able to let Dean inside more quickly. The lube was almost excessive. It did help to build the friction a little better, though.
I could feel the pleasure that I felt at the beginning, but it was more distant, now. I tried to reach it with my mind. I closed my eyes and imagined how wonderful this felt. I paid attention to Dean's hands gliding all across my body. I tried to internalize each groan of pleasure that he made, hoping it would inspire me to feel the same.
He was so excited by me. So excited...
I liked that he wanted me. I liked that he desired me. I liked what we were doing and how we were doing it. I liked what he was doing to me. I liked what I was doing to him. He could feel what I was doing to him. I could feel what he was doing to me.
But why couldn't I really feel it?
Dean started to groan more loudly. His release was coming once again. He made a long, low groan. It sounded like he got more than he bargained for. My eyes were still closed. I got off of him and rolled away to face the wall. I felt ashamed.
Dean took the second condom off and I heard it thud as it hit the trash can. He sniffed and wiped his hands on the sheets. He tugged on my arm until I rolled over to face him. He kissed me a few times and said, "Don't be upset. It just takes longer with some girls, that's all."
He kissed my forehead and my cheeks and around my neck. He kissed my shoulders and around my breasts and across my stomach. He rested his head on my abdomen until his breathing slowed. I ran my fingers through his wet hair until he fell asleep. I stared at the curve of his backside and I pondered the size of his calf muscles.
I tried not to think about the words going through my mind. Defective. Problematic. A nuisance.
"You have to work her for a while to get her engine revved up," I imagined the guys talking about me at school.
"She takes a little more time to get worked up. That means you can poke her more than once," I could hear one of them telling the other.
Word would get to Roman that I had actually done it. He would discover that it was moments after I had told him I was a virgin. He would think I was a big liar and probably a whore.
It all sounded ridiculous, given all the trouble Dean went through to get me to have an orgasm, but I couldn't stop the stupid thoughts running through my brain.
Most of all, I worried about what Dean would think of me. Was I responsive enough? Would he not want to have sex again because I wasn't going wild over him?
I wished there was someone I could talk to, but my mother was dead and my foster mother wasn't around, much. I couldn't go to the girls at school. Sasha was my best friend, but I felt embarrassed talking to her. She had dated, before. She had more experience. What if she said what happened to me wasn't normal?
I wasn't going to get much sleep, tonight.
