Hey Fanfic familia, I'm back... earlier than anticipated. If you read the previous authors note update, you'll know why. Till then a couple of things; this chapter will introduce a new character and we'll see more of Ana's life and her POV.
A couple of translations:
Apa - older sister
Baita - child. this is mostly a gender neutral term in urdu/hindi for children but baita will usually be used to refer to male child and baiti will be used to refer to females... but that only happens in very specific contexts.
This chapter will contain easter eggs for future chapters, it'll be a slow burn but things will make sense soon.
Chapter 12 – My 21st century love.
Monday, December 2nd , 2019.
APOV
Saying goodbye to Christian was difficult. I truly feel alone right now. My four best friends have left. Life suddenly feels empty. I pack all my things and I take one last look around the room and smile the memories I have. This is where my life began again. I'm in love now.
Luis comes by and gives me another hug and helps me carry my luggage to the front for holding while I go and get Nani for the drive back to the family house in SF. Once Uncle Rish and Vishaal leave for India tonight, I can breathe easy and the rest of the week can be smooth sailing.
I get to Nani's room and I see that they're huddled talking, Nani, Mama, Alia Khala and Uncle Rish. They smile at me when I come in. Uncle Rish comes up to me and kisses my forehead tell me how proud he is of how I handled the wedding and how everyone had so much fun.
We all head out and I hug all my favorite people at the resort and promise them I'll be back to visit for sure. As we drive up the coast back to San Francisco, I think about my drive with my favorite people from the night before. I listen to my playlist and think of Christian's lips and warm embrace. The safety he provides. I'm so alive because of him. Nani holds my hand and gives me a smile.
On our drive back I get texts on the group chat. They've all arrived safely and miss our weekend hangs. Christian texts me separately of course and tells me he's on his way to GEH and how he can't wait to see me again. I wish him luck on the meeting.
It's early afternoon when we get back to San Francisco, I help Nani to her room and we laze around. My mind drifts to Christian. The afternoon light seeps in, the song playing in my airpods isn't doing me any favors, and it makes me desperately wish his hands were on me. How will I last till Saturday?
Kiss me, we're on fire, babe
Love me, take me to outer space
Kiss me, we're on fire, babe
Love me, take me to outer space
Electric – Alina Baraz feat. Khalid.
Just as my mind starts drift I get a text from Christian.
CG: Hi baby, I miss you.
It makes me smile.
AS: I miss you too. How was the Gotha meeting?
CG: A success, thank you for all your hard work.
AS: It was a team effort :)
CG: What did you do today?
AS: We just got home a while ago, I came to nap in Nani's room, she gets the best afternoon light so I'm soaking it in.
CG: Wish I was there with you.
AS: We'll be together soon. Xo.
CPOV:
The entire plane ride I ignored everyone. I was lost in my own mind. I couldn't stop thinking about Ana. What a weekend, it was real and it was a dream. It makes me smile. It calms me. I message Flynn as soon as we land and ask for an emergency session. Thankfully he has an opening at 5pm.
"Taylor, I have an appointment with Flynn at 5pm today. I need security assigned to Miss Steele while she's in SF, just someone nearby should she need it. I'll text you the address of where she's staying."
"Consider it done sir."
"In addition, she's coming back to Seattle on Saturday afternoon, I'd like for you to take the jet and pick her up. I'd do it myself but we I have some important calls to make in the afternoon."
"Yes sir, will do." I see a hint of a smile on his face. Yeah Taylor, I have a girlfriend, shocking I know. Holy fuck, I have a girlfriend. The thought makes me giddy like a fucking teenager. This is embarrassing. I'm 30 and only now do I have a girlfriend... but then again I'm getting it right the first time. Perfect rationalization.
The Gotha meeting is a success; it only took for fucking ever to get this shit done. Ros is over the fucking moon.
"Well, well... had a nice weekend did we?" Ros asks raising an eyebrow.
I snort. "What makes you think that?"
"I don't know cause you suddenly have manners and you actually smiled... a million times today. Are you sick? Just making sure." Ros cackles.
"Fuck off Ros... and good work on this." She looks at me wide-eyed.
"Okay, now I'm really worried. You rarely ever compliment me. You're being too nice. Are you dying or something or did you get laid? Just give me a heads up... I need to prepare accordingly."
"Oh for fucks sake." I grumble trying to hide another smile. It's the Ana effect.
...
I get to Flynn's and wait in the reception area. I'm nervous. Fuck, this is all very new.
Flynn opens his door. "Christian, come on in." We shake and exchange pleasantries. "So tell me, how can I help?"
I take a deep breath and try to find the words to start with. As I mull around, Flynn speaks again "Okay then, I'm sensing a lot has happened since we last we spoke."
"Yeah and I'm honestly struggling."
"Okay start with the very first thing that happened then. The very first thing that happened after our last conversation that made you feel uncomfortable."
"It's not that I'm uncomfortable John, I'm just a little lost. I gained a lot this weekend, I'm just not sure how to process it."
"I see."
"After I told Ana I loved her, the day went by great. We were participating in the wedding but later that night when we went back to her room and she fell to the floor with extreme hip pain. She wouldn't let me call 911, she just asked me to get her medication and she took it. She gets severe pains like that from exhaustion and nerves. I helped give her a bath and she told me how terrified she was of me at GEH and that she didn't believe how gentle I was with her. That's it John, I'm a completely different person with her. I don't recognize this version of myself, and what's more is that I like this version of who I am."
"You're evolving Christian, it's natural."
"I just hope it's not temporary."
"Well, there's way to work on that to make sure it isn't."
"Yeah I guess... the next morning, we got dressed and I left her room and head out to the breakfast with Elliot, Mia and Ana's best friend Kate. Elliot and Kate are dating by the way. After a while Ana came walking towards us, shivering and she sat down between Kate and I and took her pain medication again but fainted trying not to scream from the pain. We carried her back to her room and Grace has the paramedics called and they administered and IV but John, when I saw her after she woke up...her eyes were vacant. She was completely lifeless. She asked to speak with me and told me everything. She barely cried." I can feel my eyes burn. My voice is strained and I lean forward, elbows on my knees holding my head.
"Do you want to take a few minutes?" Flynn asks softly.
"No, it's okay, I just need to take a minute and breathe... I sat with her and she told me everything she had been through. Her biological father committed suicide before she was born, her mother married her stepfather who legally adopted her and gave her his name. Her mother eventually abandoned her to find her to go on and marry other men. Her stepfather remarried and Kashmiri woman whose family came from money and they embraced her and taught her everything about the culture and language. She told me about the accident and her gut-wrenching recovery. I can't believe she endured all that John, if you were to meet her you'd never guess, I mean she's fucking life itself. She just lights up the fucking room..."
I take a deep breath.
"The brother of the bride, Vishaal, her adoptive cousin, raped the weekend before she started college. She has no memory of it, she just remembers that her cousin Kiran, the bride from this weekend and Vishaal took her out with a bunch of their friends to celebrate her new chapter in life and then she woke up the next morning, brutally raped and in excruciating pain. She couldn't tell anyone and she never realized who did it until a few months later. Vishaal became more aggressive in his affection towards her and now at family events he either tries to physically assault her or fuck with her mind. She has no proof of what happened and therefore is terrified of telling the family for fear of abandonment. She fucking gives her all to that family John. She has so much fucking love to give to every single human being she comes into contact with. I'm in awe... I... "
I can feel the tears fall from my eyes. I look up at Flynn and he's stunned. He nods slowly and I take another deep breath.
"She said something that completely floored me John, and my emotional range is so fucking limited that I couldn't say anything back except hold her as she cried..."
"What did she say?" John asks.
"She told me she felt alive with me. That when I held her hand, it was the first time she had felt safe since the accident and that she would go through all that pain and loss for just that one weekend with me. She had resigned me to a concept of us being a Goa Holiday, basically a dream weekend that she would hold on to because she didn't think we should continue once we got back to Seattle... because she thinks she doesn't deserve me. She has extreme self-esteem issues John, it fucking hurts to see and hear her talk sometimes."
I cradle my face in my hands trying my best to not sob.
"That's... definitely a lot to process." John says in a quiet voice.
"Oh there's more..." I say with chuckle. John smiles.
"Elliot gave me advice, can you imagine? He gave me advice and we hugged. That has never happened John. I have never hugged him in my life, except for maybe on occasion when we were kids. Ana has single handedly strengthened my bonds with my family. Elliot told me that I can't dwell on Ana's past but appreciate her journey to who she has become and how she has captivated all of us today. He told me that I had to focus all this energy I have into making her feel safe and loved rather than trying to murder the guy who took advantage of her... later that day, us siblings took Ana and Kate to Carmel by the Sea and we had dinner and we laughed, we laughed so much John, I've not experienced life with my siblings like that. We went by the water and took pictures. I never fucking take pictures but with Ana I did. We took fucking selfies John... I mean. I hate that shit but with her it was natural, it was what I craved. With all the unfamiliar emotion it has been the single best weekend of my life. I never wanted it to end. I experienced every emotion with her and I wanted more of it. She makes me want so much more in this life..."
I take a deep breath and take out my phone and scroll through to find the video of Ana and I laughing as Elliot says outrageous shit. I pass it to John. "Look at her John, I mean. Everything about her is just perfection" John plays the video and Ana's voice fills the office, her laughter as she scolds Elliot, how she squeals when I pick her up and spin her around. John smiles. "You're right, she's a beautiful woman and full of life. You too look so young and carefree here. It's a delight to see you both"
John continues, "Christian, I want to first say how happy I am that you've found someone that makes you look to the future in a meaningful way. It's really a joy to see. Secondly, I agree with Elliot. While the past does shape us in some way, it does not have to completely define us in the future. We can evolve from being a victim of the past. While Ana's past is important for you to understand in context of where she's coming from... it's also important to understand it in terms of how she wants to move forward. From what you're telling me, it seems like she's trying her best to create a meaningful life for herself filled with love and genuine relationships despite her trauma and low self-esteem and she does want you to be a part of it no matter how much fear she has about being found out."
I quietly nod.
"What are your concerns, first and foremost?"
"Well, have you met me? I'm a fucking psycho who beats the shit out of brown haired women for his own sexual pleasure. How the fuck am I going to explain that to her? How can I possibly tell her that after all that she's been through? She'll never look at me the same way again. I can't go back to life without her John, I can't go back to that empty life with no emotional connection. I just can't. She shows me affection like no other. She heals me. I couldn't possibly trust anyone like I trust her." I sob.
"Christian, that's a risk you're going to have to take. Otherwise you're just operating on borrowed time. This isn't something you can keep from her for too long. If she has told you everything about herself, it's only fair that you do the same. This is how relationships work. It's a back and forth, it's discussions, it's sharing of your biggest dreams and your deepest fears. I know this is a whole new world for you. You're experiencing real love and connection for the first time and it's addictive but it's also terrifying. You never emotionally progressed from your time with Elena and now Ana is showing you all these possibilities, so you've essentially gone from 0 to a 100 in this one weekend. It's jarring and exhilarating at the same time."
I take a deep breath and nod.
"Do you want to pursue any part of the BDSM lifestyle with her?"
"No. I barely thought about it the entire time I was with her. When I initially met her at GEH, yes, I thought about it but when I saw her at the wedding it seemed like such a reductive way to be with her. She's this bright light and intimacy with her is the safest and complete I've felt. I don't need rules. I only asked her once to not touch my chest and upper back and she completely understands it."
He smiles and nods.
We talk some more about how I can best explain everything to Ana about the playroom, BDSM lifestyle and realize it's going to take a baby steps, I can't make any decisions till she comes back and see where we stand.
APOV
My cousin Rania has decided to come by after work with her little girl Aria. I adore her. She's my little gremlin and about 2 years old. Perfect amount of monstrous energy but can easily just sit in my lap and let me sing to her and play while we relax on the couch.
"So, tell me EVERYTING." If there's one thing that Raniapa loves, it's a good girl talk session. We're holed up in the sitting in the TV room and munching on apples and Nutella.
"Oh god, Raniapa... what do you want to know?"
"EVERYTHING. Is he nice to you, are you happy, are you guys getting married?"
"Oh for effs sakes, I just met him. He's not a south Asian guy where we can talk about marriage immediately like deciding what drink to order next. He's a white guy... this shit takes time. Right now, I just want to enjoy this. It's my first ever relationship..."
"I know, I know. White guys are serious commitment phobes though and this man has never been seen with anyone. Does that bother you?"
"He's just really private Apa and no it doesn't because I don't want that attention either. I want to be in my own bubble without the drama."
He did mention something about private contractual relationships... I wonder what that's about? Stop Ana. Stop. Just move on. Focus on the now.
"I hear you baby girl... but tell me the good stuff. Rate the dirty from 1-10!"
"You do realize your child is in my lap at this time?"
"So? She is a result of some really good dirty." She wiggles her eyebrows and it makes me laugh.
"Well, if I was going to rate it... just between you and me... it's a solid 100."
"You know... I don't doubt it. He's gorgeous, I would've been so disappointed if he didn't measure up."
We both cackle like witches and I feel a little more relaxed. Rania and Kiran are both 29 but just a few months apart... while they both have similar personality traits, the major difference is that Rania has been through struggles of her own but she's overcome them and has come out on top at whatever she's set her mind to and she's far more mature than Kiran, in fact she's the closest thing to Kate I have in the family. She's head of legal at my grandfather's company and so fucking smart that I'm sure she could give Mr. Travis the runaround without breaking a sweat. She's been working with the family company since she was 13. Every summer she interned and then Nana took her under his wing and she rose up through the ranks like the motherfucking champion she is. I was fortunate enough to spend time under hers and Kiran's tutelage too for a bit... only reason why an English lit major like myself can actually find my bearings at GEH legal now.
"Apa, please don't tell Kiran that you and I talked about this. You know how jealous she can be... she expects a full report from me and well..." There's no way I'm telling Kiran jack shit. I know how close she is with Vishaal and as much as I would love for this information to get back to him, it's not worth it.
She snorts. "Don't worry girl. My lips are sealed... I know how jealous and crazy those two can be. They're way too overprotective of you." I can't help but laugh at that. "But you are happy, right Aana? Because I will take down GEH and ruin him if he breaks your heart." She looks at me with intense sincerity and I have no doubt that both she and Kate would do whatever they could to destroy anyone who would try and harm me. If only, I could tell you what I am dying to tell you.
"I'm so happy Apa, I know I'm still in the beginning of this but I'm honestly... I've never felt this way, I hope I feel this way forever." I can feel a lump in my throat.
"You will, baby. I saw how he looked at you during the wedding. He's so obsessed with you and rightly so." She puts her hand to my cheek and it makes me smile. "Damn, straight he was... didn't know what hit him." I say and we fall into a laughing fit, till out of nowhere Vishaal walks in to where we are sitting followed by Uncle Rish who gives us a quick hello and dashes upstairs to pack. Great, now this fucker is back.
Vishaal walks towards us and gives Rania and hug and kiss on her forehead. He comes to me and kisses the top of my head since I keep my head down. I don't react. I just move to give Aria a kiss on her cheek to avoid having to face him. Focus Ana, it's okay. Rania is here, baby Aria is in your lap. Just soak up her innocent energy. You will be fine.
"Chand se chehre par itni shaitani?" Such a devilish smile on a face like the moon.
"Are you calling my child a devil?" Rania chuckles. No, Raniapa, that comment was directed at me.
"Yes Rania, if the shoe fits your spawn then yes." He lets out a laugh and Aria immediately raises her hands asking him to pick her up. I reluctantly let her go. He's evil baby, stay with me.
"So what were you girls gossiping about?" He asks standing and throwing Aria in the air.
"We were talking about Aana's boyfriend Christian and what a nice guy he is."
"Is that so? Is he a nice guy Aana? Surely, this was just a wedding fling, no?"
"Thank you for your concern but I think I know what my relationship is." I say smiling and with as much 'please fuck off' politeness as I can.
"Vishaal, stop teasing. Be happy for our baby girl. She's growing up and found a good guy... gorgeous as fuck and good. The net worth doesn't hurt either." We both giggle and I see Vishaal's face turn to a grimace. Take that, you asshole.
He scoffs and let's Aria down on the ground as she runs back to me and tells us he's going up to take a shower and work a little.
"You still hate his guts don't you?" Rania asks suddenly.
"What do you mean?"
"Oh come on, Aana. Ever since that fight before your going away party, your relationship has been strained. I mean I know he was an ass but haven't you held the grudge for a little too long?"
"Wait, what fight?"
"The feminism debate where you put him in his place when we were at his apartment to pre-game before your party at Armure."
"I am so lost Apa. I remember very little from that night. Alcohol and I don't mix."
"Well, let me tell you. It was epic. He made some snide comment about how women should conduct themselves and you lost your shit, I wish I had recorded it. Needless to say, it shut him up and he looked pissed as fuck to have his ass handed to him and it took a while to get back to normal that night. But who can stay mad at you. You both were dancing in no time."
WHAT THE...? I have no fucking memory of this.
"I think it was the first time any one of us cousins gave him a taste of his own medicine. But then again, only you can do that Aana." She smirks.
"Raniapa, we just grew apart. I mean when I left SF, I did it with the intention of creating my life away from the family, it was important to me and in doing so, we became different people. It happens. People grow apart. I don't relate to him anymore." I shrug, desperately hoping this will end the conversation.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. It happens. Anyway, I don't want to waste anymore time talking about the brat. Can I leave Aria with you this week, I want her to have quality time with you. You're the only one I trust."
"Of course you can, it'll keep me busy and entertained."
"Good, I'm so happy. Plus it gives me us an excuse to spend time, it's been so long... and baby if you ever need any advice, I'm here for you. Always. You know that, right?"
"I know Apa. I'll be honest, I'm a little scared as well."
"Why?"
"Because... I mean, with you guys it's different. I mean I can hang at the weddings and stuff but his world is bigger and it's not like I've been to finishing school or... you know white people are different and cold. As much as I want to keep this hidden, it will come out eventually, should we go the distance and well... I don't want to be a disappointment."
"Listen to me Aana, I don't give a fuck about that finishing school shit. Yes, we all went to those god awful institutions and grew up in money but look at you, you're the realest and baddest bitch out of all of us. Stop measuring your worth by this shit. I will slap you, okay. Why the hell do you think I want Aria to spend as much with you and Nani. Now shut the fuck up and believe in yourself."
"LANGUAGE, Apa."
"Whatever, she already says fuck every now then. Raees has no filter either and the other day she screamed balls out loud when we went for brunch."
I can't help but burst out laughing. "Oh god, I'd pay good money to say that."
"Spend this entire week with her and you will." She winks.
...
CPOV
It feels suddenly so empty coming back to Escala. I finish dinner and go into the study to catch up on work but I don't feel like it. I look out the window and all I can think about it Ana. What are you doing to me Miss Steele? I power through and read over two renewal contracts and financials for this company Ros has been eyeing for about 4 months now. I check the time and it's almost 11pm.
CG: Hey baby, are you sleeping?
AS: Not yet, Mr. Grey... was getting ready to.
CG: I miss you, Miss Steele.
She doesn't reply for several minutes but then suddenly she calls over facetime.
"Hi Mr. Grey. I miss you too" She smiles brightly.
"Hey baby, how are you... and where are you?
"Oh, I'm in the 'entertainment room'" she rolls her eyes and laughs. "It's in the basement and far enough from any possible eavesdropping." She giggles.
"Baby, are you sure, it's safe for you?"
"Oh yeah, Uncle Rish and what's his name left an hour ago for the airport. It's just Nita, Aila Khala, Nani and Nana at home for the rest of the week."
Thank fuck.
"You're okay? He didn't try anything?" I see her expression change.
"No, not really."
"What do you mean?"
"Christian, just promise me you want blow a gasket over this."
"What happened, Ana?" I feel my body tense.
"My cousin Rania was over with her little girl, I sent you a picture of us earlier this evening. Well, he came home for dinner and he hugged Rania and kissed her daughter and came in to kiss the top of my head. I couldn't exactly shove him away in front of everyone."
FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT.
"Ana..."
"Christian, please, it's okay. I promise. I am fine. I had Rania and Aria there, this has happened more times than I can count. I am fine, I promise. I'm actually more than fine now that he's gone. This entire week will be good for me."
I close my eyes and try to control my breathing and count back form 10.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6...
"Hey... look at me." She asks me sweetly. I look to her and she smiles. She sitting on a couch with her head propped on her elbow and her hair open, flushed cheeks and face without makeup and those piercing blue eyes that I miss so much.
"I love you. so much. and I'm fine. I had so much fun today. My cousin Rania and I had such a great time catching up. I haven't been able to do that for a year now outside of our weekend facetime calls. I got to spend time with my niece and now I'll be spending time with her this entire week. I'm honestly in a really good place. Don't worry. I promise. I'm fine."
"I love you too, baby. Just please tell me the moment you feel like you want to come back. I'll make it happen."
She smiles again. "Okay, I will... did you have dinner?"
"Yeah I did."
"Did you yell at anyone at work?"
I laugh. "Surprisingly, no. Ros commented on how I was smiling a lot."
"Did she now?" she giggles.
"Yeah and I complimented her so she thought that I was either dying or that I got laid." I smirk at her and she laughs out loud. God. I miss that face and that sound.
"If only she knew Mr. Grey!"
"What are you plans for the rest of the week aside from playing babysitter... by the way, shouldn't you be relaxing?"
"I find being around babies relaxing and I want to be there for my niece whenever I can. Nani wants to go to the office tomorrow so I'll drive her there and then we might get our ritual lunch at fisherman's wharf. It'll be fun having Aria around as well, she's an easy baby to be around, not fussy at all and I can handle her all on my own, plus she gives the best hugs."
I fucking love her so much in this moment.
"I'm a little jealous Miss Steele."
"Deal with it Mr. Grey, I'll be back soon enough. Besides you'll be getting way more than hugs." She fires back and winks.
I can't help but chuckle at that. "So... what are you wearing?"
"Way too many clothes for your liking obviously but that's all you're going to get." She giggles
"Come on, Ana. Just a peek."
"This is my grandfather's house. I am not about to entertain this conversation any further." She's gone all shy on me and scrunches up her nose in embarrassment.
"In that case, you better rest up because this weekend... you're all mine Miss Steele. They'll have to send a search party for you."
"Deal." She giggles.
Fuck... i'm going to need a another cold shower.
Thursday, December 4th, 2019
Welch gets me the background report on Vishaal and it's nothing that I didn't already know about the family business. He looks like a fucking choirboy. Top 10 of his class at Harvard in both undergrad and grad school, determined, focused and a spotless record. I'm not satisfied. This is not the whole story. He has to have fucked up somewhere. He's had a steady string of girlfriends, almost too many but again nothing out of the ordinary. He's not all that bad looking. I feel a sudden rage of anger course through when I remember everything Ana told me. I need to find dirt on him. I pick up the phone.
"Welch."
"Sir"
"I need more information on this asshole. Dig deep."
"Yes sir. I'm trying to work the India angle too, maybe there's something there but it's a completely different landscape."
"I need something on him. Find it."
"Working on it, sir."
I want to throw my phone across the room. There has to be something. SOMETHING I can use to bury this motherfucker into the ground.
The day drones on and I get a text from Ana just as i'm about to leave work.
AS: I hope you're on your way home Mr. Grey. Try not to work too hard.
CG: I was just leaving baby. I miss you.
AS: Miss you too. Just woke up from an afternoon nap with my gremlin niece and this song came on shuffle. It made me miss you, so I added it to our playlist. It's called Digital Age.
CG: I can't wait to hear it when I get home. Can't wait till your back.
AS: 2 more days and then i'm all yours. xo.
CG: All mine.
I get back to Escala and take a shower and change. Gail sets out dinner.
"Gail, for this weekend, could you stay around till Saturday evening and make dinner. I'll be having a guest. My girlfriend will be joining me. Anastasia Steele." Fuck, why am I so nervous about this.
Gail gives me a genuine warm and knowing smile. "Of course, Mr. Grey. Whatever you need. I look forward to meeting Miss Steele."
I tell her to make sure the pantry is stocked and ask her to take care of a few more things for Ana's arrival on Saturday.
After a bit of work in the study, I decide to head to bed and plop myself down. It doesn't feel the same. I haven't slept right since I left her. I miss her, I love her and I crave her.
Flashback
"Permission to speak Mistress?"
"What is it pet?" Mistress asks annoyed as I sit, kneeling by her as she eats dinner at the dining table.
"I have a question." I ask, nervously.
"Ask." her tone is clipped.
"Is love real? I'm reading Romeo and Juliet in English and it seems intense and I have to write about it." I have been wondering about the idea of love recently. I know i'm only 16 but would it be so bad to be in love?
"Pet, love is for fools. It is not real."
"But mom and dad love each other."
"You are meant for things greater than love. Love only holds people back. It is a weakness. A parasite. Look at what happened to Romeo and Juliet, they died in the end. A fucking waste." She drops her cutlery and takes a sip of her wine. "I want you back in the playroom in 10 minutes. You need to be rid of these useless thoughts."
Mistress went to town on me that night with the cane. She made me repeart mantra "Love is for fools. Love is a weakness."
End flashback.
I rub my face and try to calm my breathing. I look through my phone and watch the video Ana sent this afternoon of herself and her niece as they ate apples at strawberries in the kitchen.
"Aria, say hi to my friends. Say, hi Kate"
The baby waves. "hi kate."
"hi mia!"
"hi ewwiot"
"hi chwischin"
It makes me smile. It makes me wonder about Ana as a mother and what kind of a mother she would be. She would have so much love to give. Love can't be for fools.
I go to our playlist and click play on the new song she added and try to calm my thoughts and the music seeps through the sound system and the air. 2 more days till she's back in my arms. Love can be for me. I am not a fool.
Lately I've thought about us,
And my mind plays this game where it trusts,
Every word that you said,
My memory serves to save
I like this digital age,
Where we're set to be forward in state,
if I could code me a hologram,
It'd be shaped like you,
My twentieth first century love,
There's nothing that could get across or between us,
My twentieth first century love,
There's nothing that we could dream of that couldn't be done
I drawn a plan with the moon,
It involves outer spacing with you,
We could build our own graves,
And give ourselves names like stars, stars
People would fly out to see,
Empty pockets and pay good money,
Cause it's our nature the dish would be king,
Beneath the rainbow curve
I'm inside already inside,
I was a bit early,
sorry I was just going to text you,
Can you come over to my place instead?
why didn't you say so,
i don't feel super well,
what's going on?
I think we should talk in person.
My twenty first century love,
There's nothing that could get across or between us,
My twentieth first century love,
There's nothing that we could dream of that couldn't be done
...
APOV
Today was an eventful day. I had to drive Nani to the lawyers offices and then we had our ritual lunch at fisherman's wharf. Having Aria this time was fun, I kept sending Raniapa updates of our adventures and all I got was crying and angry emojis telling me how she hates that she's missing out on the fun. I put Aria down in Nani's room and head out with the baby monitor to go make some dessert for dinner tonight in the kitchen. Before I reach the stairs, I hear Nana call me from his office.
"Jee, Nana?" Yes, grandfather?
"Aao bhaitho, aap se eik baat karni thi" Come sit. I wanted to talk to you about something.
Fuck. The last time this happened was 4 years ago. My grandfather has never been one for heart to hearts with me. He's always kept me at bit of a distance. Most of our conversations have been about school only and generally asking how I am. Even in recovery, he never really spoke to me but he's very different with my cousins. They are blood after all. I am much closer to my grandmother and have always spent most of my time with her.
"Khairiyat?" Is everything okay? I ask.
He gives me a small smile. I almost see sadness in his eyes.
"Everything's fine. I wanted to ask how you are doing?'
"I'm doing okay, Nana." I smile back.
"You did a good job at the wedding. I'm proud of you." Oh, god. Fuck, I'm going to cry. Don't cry. This might be the first compliment I've ever gotten.
My voice starts to waver. "Thank you, Nana. I'm glad that you liked everything. I had a lot of fun."
He nods his head. "So tell me, Christian Grey... is it serious?"
I gulp. Oh fuck, this is awkward. "It is." I can't look him in the face.
"How long has it been?"
"We met at the wedding Nana. I mean, I met him very briefly at work but it was nothing. I didn't even know he was connected to Daniel. It was a coincidence."
He chuckles. "It's okay, Aana... I just wanted to make sure you weren't being taken advantage of, but I can see he's from a good family. He's done very well for himself and that too all on his own, MashAllah." With God's grace.
I smile. "Yes he has, MashAllah."
"Do you want me to do a background check on him?"
WHAT?
"Uhh... background check?"
"Just in case. I know he's from a good family but you never know." He offers by way of explanation. Yeah, just like Vishaal is from a good family but look at what the fuck he's done. But he's your grandson and heir to your fortune along with Kiran but you'll never know.
"I appreciate the offer, Nana but I'd like to hear his truth, if there is anything worth hiding, directly from him."
"I understand. Though, a man of his stature has probably already gotten a background check on you." The thought breaks my heart but I understand it. He has a right to look into me to protect himself.
"That very well may be the case, I know for work they do a background check, as far as personally I've already told him everything about myself. If he still decides to then, I can't stop him."
"Did you make him sign an NDA?"
"No I didn't and he hasn't made me sign one either."
"If he makes you sign one then I want you to make him sign one for you." Fuck... this is such an awkward situation.
"Nana, I wouldn't tell him anything about the family business. I mean Kate knows but I didn't make her sign one but she's never pressured me to sign one for her either. Any of my other friends at work and college, I've never told me them I'm related to you all. I've never wanted to get into this NDA business and since I never discuss the family so there is no need. I'm extremely private and I respect your need for privacy as well"
"I understand but again, should he make you sign one, I strongly urge you to make him sign one as well. Always keep the balance of power. I'm respect the honor code, it has served me well in life but at the same time, you treat the people the way they treat you." He says with finality.
"I understand and I will, should the time come."
"Are you happy?" He asks softly.
I nod but tears fall from my eyes.
"Why are you sad?" I can hear the concern in his voice.
I look up at him. "I miss Dad, a lot."
He nods. "He would be so proud of the woman you've become." And on cue the damn bursts.
He gets up and comes to me and kisses my forehead. Again, another rare moment...
When I've recovered a little he asks me about work. I tell him that I've finally found my bearings at GEH and I enjoy the what I'm doing and that my boss is actually a great mentor. I'm learning the ins and outs of how Christian maintains a diverse portfolio and even though it's very different from what Nana's business does since he's only focused on real estate and hospitality.
Later on in the evening when we've had dinner, dessert and settle in the living room for evening tea, Rania and I sit on the floor and talk about possibly going shopping tomorrow since she'll be taking a half day at work.
"Aana and Rania, can you get the harmonium?" Nana asks us and it throws me off guard. It's an unusual ask. We bring it over and he joins us on the floor sitting Indian style.
Mama Nita, Alia Khala Nani are sitting on the couch watching an Pakistani drama but pause it when Nana signals his intention to play for a bit.
"I want Aana to sing something for me." He smiles at me. Again, weird as fuck ask. He's never asked me to sing for him. Nani and Nita ask me to sing all the time and of course I'll sing at family dinners and weddings but Nana has never made a special request.
I smile. "Sure Nana, what would you like me to sing?"
"Khamaj." He says with a sad smile. Oh fuck, that is a heavy song. I've never been able to listen to it without crying. I nod silently.
He starts to play and I sing. I get to the part that makes me cry and I feel Rania signal me to hold her hand.
Pyar tumhe kitna karte hain. (how I love you)
Pyar tumhe kitna karte hain. (how I love you)
Tum ye samjh nahi paaoge... jab hum naa honge toa piharwa...
you'll never understand, when I'm longer around my beloved
Tum ye samjh nahi paaoge... jab hum naa honge toa piharwa...
you'll never understand, when I'm longer around my beloved.
Bolo kya tab aaoge – will you come find me then?
Bolo kya tab aaoge – will you come find me then?
When we're done, I get a mini applause from my favorite ladies and Nana kisses my forehead again. What is happening? "That was beautiful Aana." He says with adoration. I nod but I'm unable to look him in the eye.
"Okay girl, let's go get ice-cream!" Rania claps her hands. That's the code amongst us cousins when we have to discuss something private and gossip worthy. We tell everyone we'll be back in a bit and I pick up Aria and buckle her in the backseat and we head over to Swensen's on Hyde Street for our ice-cream fix.
"What was that about?" Rania asks as I drive down Broadway.
"The fuck if I know. He's never asked me to do that. He even asked to talk to me in the study today."
"Okay, spill. Now."
"He wanted to know about Christian, if it was serious. Asked if I made him sign an NDA."
"Which reminds me, the NDA we've given you... you've never fucking used it. What's that about?"
"Raniapa, I don't volunteer the information that I'm related to you guys or the business."
"What the fuck, we're you're dirty little secret? I'm OFFENDED." She places her hand on her sternum feigning shock.
"Yeah, you are." I bite back. "No man, I don't want people to see me differently. Like yes, you're my family but I don't have your money, I don't want people to get the wrong idea. So I keep this part of my life private. Kate knows shit but... that's Kate. She's from money too."
"Did he talk about the honor code shit?"
I laugh out loud. "Yeah he did. Asked me if Christian made me sign one, which he hasn't and said that if Christian made me sign one that I should return the favor."
"I personally don't agree with it. I barely trust people. I think you should bring it up with Christian, it protects you both."
"I know where you're coming from but all of this is very new I don't want to make it awkward. And you know I'm a vault."
"I trust you to the moon and back girlfriend... people can't be trusted but I will trust your judgment on this. You have never let us down."
"No pressure." I laugh.
"What else did he talk to you about?"
"He said he was proud of me." I stifle a sob.
Rania's voice wavers. "Well it's about fucking time Abdul Karim came out with it. You do know he's always felt that way about you right? He's just weird about expressing his feelings. He always asks me about you cause he knows we facetime every weekend."
"He does?"
"Yeah. He was concerned about you working at GEH, he was impressed with Christian's success but also thought he was a little too flashy."
"Well, he definitely is flashy." I laugh. We park and go in to get ice-cream and come back into the car and talk some more.
"With a face like that he deserves to be flashy." Rania gives me a cheesy grin.
"You think you'll ever come back and work with us? You did so good in New York deals."
"I'm not sure, Raniapa. I want real life experience and I'm getting that at GEH, it challenges me and I want to rise through the ranks on my own merits. You guys are so good to me but I want to really earn my place."
"No, I get it. Do you, girl. Just know that we're always here and you have a home." She holds out her hand and I take it. "I know Grey is expanding into hospitality and if he ever comes after one of our deals, I'll chop off his balls."
"BALLS" Aria screams and giggles from the back and we fall into insane laughter.
"Yes baby, BALLS." Rania laughs back. "So yeah, warn your boy toy."
"Oh, I most definitely will, Apa." I say trying to recover from little Aria's enthusiastic outburst.
Friday December 6th, 2019.
APOV
I'm finishing the last of my packing. I sit with Nani and she braids my hair and says little prayers for me and my future. I'm aching to get back to Seattle. I sent updates in the group chat through out the week. Pictures and videos of Nani and myself and our little afternoon adventures, to fisherman's wharf, out for ice-cream with Aria etc and they send me the same sort of updates from their respective lives in Seattle. Christian of course barely participates in the picture sending, he just comments here and there. He prefers to text me separately and sends me the most over the top, sweet messages. It makes me smile. He checks on me every now and then and continues to ask if I need anything. It makes me feel so cherished.
Nani, Nita and Alia Khala are slated to leave for India the day after I leave. I'm so jealous but I also know there's no way in hell I can go, not with Vishaal on the loose.
"I'll miss you Nani."
"I'll miss you too beyta, but you can call me anytime, you know that. I'm always here for you, you can tell me anything. No more secrets from now on." She says smiling down at me.
"I know."
"How is Christian? I know you missed him a lot." She teases.
"He's good, he's excited I'm coming back tomorrow, I can't wait to see him but I'm still a little apprehensive." I muse.
"New love can be exciting and scary sometimes but he is a good person, I can feel it. He will take care of you but you have to let him. Let yourself receive love. You are worthy of it" Nani places her hand on my face.
"I will try." I say with my tears in my eyes.
"What do you want me to bring you from India?" she asks trying to make me feel better
"Just come back soon. That's all I want." I kiss her hands.
I finally told her last night about Vishaal, after I came home from my ice-cream excursion with Rania. It was a really heavy discussion but it's a weight that's been lifted off of me. I can tell she's heartbroken for me. She remained quiet throughout my revelation, mostly in disbelief.
I get up to finalize my bags and I hear my phone beep.
CG: Hey baby, what time is your flight tomorrow?
AS: 4:15pm, I should be back in Seattle by 6pm or so. Why, are you coming to pick me up from the airport? ;)
CG: I'd love nothing more but Ros have a meeting so I can't promise I'll be able to make it. Who's dropping you off at the airport?
AS: I'll be taking an uber. Will probably head out at around 2pm or so.
CG: I'll have a car waiting for you.
AS: Christian, please, that's too much. Besides you don't even know my address.
CG: You're on Presidio Terrace. I have people who can find out information for me.
I guess he did get a background check on me. I take a deep breath.
AS: oh God, I'm dating a stalker.
CG: You ain't seen nothing yet baby.
AS: I love you. Thank you for sending the car, I feel so special. Can you send me the name of the person and the car make and model they'll be driving? I need to give that information at the gate or they won't be allowed to enter.
CG: I love you baby, anything for you and everything has been pre-arranged. We were granted access.
AS: I guess the Grey name really has a lot of power.
CG: Miss Steele, you wound me. It's as if you have no faith in me.
AS: Just keeping you on your toes Mr. Grey ;). xo.
...
I'm lying in bed with Mama and we're talking about her plans for India.
"Mama, can I ask you something?"
"You can ask me anything, Aanu."
"Can you tell me what it was like when you fell in love with Dad?"
She turns to me and smiles.
"It was like finding the light." She says with tears in her eyes. "He was such a gentleman. He was easy to talk to. It was impossible to not fall in love with him and of course there was you as well, you were the added bonus." She winks and it makes me laugh.
"I wish he was still with us."
"I wish too. Every minute of every day." She pulls me in for a cuddle and I try my best not to cry.
"How does Christian make you feel?"
"Many things. I feel loved, I feel like I've found that light but there's that self-sabotage part of me that thinks I'm not worthy of him."
She pulls me away and looks me in the eye. "Listen to me Aanu, when I met Ray, I felt the same way. I felt I was too broken but I had to trust in his love for me. I had to let it carry me when I was too tired to carry myself. Stop trying to be strong all the time. It's okay to stop running; it's okay to let yourself breathe. Allow yourself to be completely yourself with the one you love."
I nod silently. "You're right mama."
"Good. Now go to sleep. You're seeing your man tomorrow." She kisses my forehead and we both giggle like little girls.
Saturday December 7th, 2019.
APOV
I kept waking up through the night. I did my best to take everyone's advice and change my mindset. I thought about the wedding and Carmel by the Sea and soon the excitement of seeing Christian seeped in. My body started to feel like it was floating.
I try and decide on what to wear. I want to look like how he saw me at the resort. I go through my clothes and decide on this green polka dot dress, it makes me feel like summer. I curl my hair and tie it up in a bun for the better part of the day to retain its bounce. I'll take it out before I board the plane to head out to Seattle.
I spend the better part of the morning sitting with Nani in the backyard. We soak up the sun one last time as we drink tea and eat oranges. I adore this ritual of ours.
Nita and Alia Khala join us for our morning tea ritual as well and we go over their India itinerary and plans for shopping. I'm secretly so jealous. I've always wanted to go to India but it's never been safe for me. With Vishaal always in tow, I just never wanted to take a chance, plus I know how they all would look at me. Just another white girl to take advantage of. Nani can only protect me to certain extent.
We talk through lunch and I get a text from Christian. I check the time and it's a little after 2pm.
CG: Baby, there's a car waiting for you outside. A Jason Taylor will be picking you up.
AS: I cannot thank you enough. I feel so cherished.
CG: Hush baby, just get back to me quickly.
AS: On my way Mr. Grey, xo.
I go to open the front door and am greeted by a man in a sharp suit, the sight scares the shit out of me.
"Miss Steele, good afternoon. My name is Jason Taylor, I'm Mr. Grey's head of security." Holy shit, head of security? Why is he picking me up? This is so weird.
"Um... Good afternoon, I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting you to be right outside the door." I half giggle, trying to recover myself.
"I'm sorry to have startled you, where can I collect your bags?" He gives me a small smile and speaks with paternal affection almost.
"Oh you don't have to do that, I only have two bags. Please come in, I'll be done in another 5 minutes. I just want to quickly say goodbye to my family."
"It's quite alright Miss Steele, I'll get your bags, take your time saying goodbye to your family."
He takes my bags and I quickly run to say goodbye by to Nita, Alia Khala and Nani. I said goodbye to Nana earlier in the morning before he left to go for a game of golf with a friend. They walk me to the car and give me way too many hugs and kisses that it's almost embarrassing. Taylor opens the door for me and I slide into the SUV and we head out.
"Mr. Taylor, thank you so much for picking me up. I really appreciate it."
"It's really no problem at all, Miss Steele and please, call me Taylor." He replies back smiling.
"How is Christian doing?"
"He's doing well ma'am, he looks forward to seeing you and was sorry he couldn't come by himself." I smile.
"How long have you worked with him?"
"About 6 years."
"Between us both, I'm almost surprised when I meet someone who's worked with him more than a year. Hearing him scream at people has always made me wonder how anyone ever sticks around at GEH. I've only been there about 4 months, and before I met him at this wedding I'd pray I never ran into him but of course fate had other plans."
Taylor laughs "Oh yeah, we've all incurred his wrath but he really is a good man, really takes care of his employees."
I smile at the thought. He's got the biggest heart underneath all that tough guy exterior.
I see Taylor take the exit to Oakland and get confused.
"Um Taylor, my flight is out of SFO... and it's almost 3:15, I'm a little concerned we might not make it on time with security check etc."
"Miss Steele, there's been a change of plans. We had your ticket cancelled and the money refunded to your account. Mr. Grey sent his private jet to bring you home." He tells me.
"WHAT?" I half scream.
Taylor chuckles. "I'm sorry I thought you knew."
"I.. I... I did not know." I stammer and I feel tears form in my eyes. I need to keep it together. This is too much but also super sweet. Fuck he really does love me.
We get to Oakland International and drive on to the tarmac to the GEH jet. I get out and nervously walk with Taylor to the plane. The pilot Stephan greets me along with Nicole the stewardess.
We board and I take my seat, Taylor sits across from me. It's so luxurious and I feel so out of place. Taylor can sense my hesitation and nerves.
"Miss Steele, please feel at ease. We'll be in Seattle before you know it." He smiles.
I give him a small smile. "I'm sorry, I know. I just wasn't expecting this, it's a little too much."
"Mr. Grey really is a wonderful man and goes to obscene lengths to take care of people who are close to him."
I swallow and smile again but I can't look at him.
"Miss Steele, would you like some champagne?" Nicole suddenly appears.
"Oh no thank you, just some water please." Nicole smiles and retreats. She returns with some chilled water and refreshments.
We taxi and make our way to take off a little while after. I look through the window and say a mental goodbye to the beautiful city below. I feel so conflicted.
I see Taylor on his phone typing furiously.
"Taylor, were you in the army?" I ask.
"Yes, I was." He smiles. "My dad was too. You both have the same stance and facial expression, I guess they really drill that look into you huh?" He laughs. "Yes they do. We're taught to blend in and fall in line."
"I get the sense you don't talk much but I talk a lot so I'm going to ask you tons of questions you'll just have to answer." I giggle. He smiles back at me and signals me to ask whatever I want.
He tells me about his time in the army and about growing up in the northeast. We bond over our high school band experience and he tells me he plays the tenor sax as a result and was part of jazz band in college and even went on the road. I ask him to make me a playlist of all the jazz music I absolutely need to know about. We shake on the deal. He shows me pictures of daughter Sophie who is just a ray of sunshine with the curliest blonde hair. She's due to visit Seattle soon and I ask Taylor to let me take her for a day out in the city. He laughs and agrees. He tells me that he's actually seen me around GEH quiet a bit, especially since I go greet the facilities and security staff every week for my GEH Monday ritual. The thought warms my heart.
We fly into Seattle airspace and it's gotten dark. The view is amazing; we land at Boeing and disembark to find a black Audi SUV waiting for us. I guess Christian really likes Audis. The drive to Escala is pleasant, I mostly stare out the window quietly. Suddenly the city feels so different to me; it's not just mine anymore. It's now where the love of my life lives. It feels brand new and exciting to me.
We pull into the garage at Escala where Christian lives and Taylor escorts me into the private penthouse elevator.
"Of course Mr. Billionaire has his own private elevator." I laugh and Taylor chuckles. It feels like a few seconds when we finally arrive at the 31st floor for the penthouse.
"Miss Steele, I'm going to put your bags in Mr. Grey's room, please make yourself at home, he's in the study finishing up a call and will be out momentarily."
"Thank you so much Taylor, have a good evening."
"You too." He gives me a nod and disappears.
I'm lost a little; I look up and around and walk to the big windows across from me. This place is like museum, huge and pristine. I'm afraid to touch anything. I look out the window towards the twinkling city lights. It's so peaceful and beautiful from up here. It's starting to snow a bit outside, flurries; it'll probably be fleeting. I take out my phone and quickly text Nita, Nani & Kate to let them know I've arrived safely.
I suddenly feel so out of place and nervous. It feels unreal that I'm here in his space. I have no anchor of my own to cling to if I feel like I'm falling. I try and say a prayer to calm my thoughts.
Authors Note: SO! tell me your thoughts. Eager to hear them. Also, I found this house for sale forever ago, it's 26 presidio terrace in San Francisco. When I was coming up with idea for this story I immediately remembered that house. I've added the pictures to pinterest under chapter 12.
Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/
Music:
Electric - Alina Baraz feat. Khalid
Digital Age - Daniela Andrade
Khamaj - Fuzon
