TRIS POV

The final rankings for stage one are released in the evening, after our day of training review.

We gather in the dormitory after supper and shove each other to get a clear view in the front of the crowd. But Tobias has not hung up the chalkboard yet, instead obscuring it from us and depriving anxious initiates whose lives are about to be either saved for now or demolished.

"These are the final results for stage one," he declares. "After calculating the Dauntless-born scores, it has been decided that eight of you need to be cut, as previously estimated. These eight will be marked below the line, and you will leave us tomorrow morning when the rest of us go to the factionless sector to patrol."

There is a mutual intake of breath as everyone in the room anticipates his or her rank. Tobias hangs the chalkboard up on the wall and steps back so we can see the results.

As expected, I have not moved. Neither has Peter, and Christina only dropped by two spots—she lost a fight against a boy whose name I can't recall. And then I see that Dez moved up to number eighteen, much farther from the bottom than she was just last week.

My friends and I celebrate and congratulate each other. Throughout the room there is a chorus of cheers but also cries, and although I do have sympathy for those who have been cut, they should realize that being factionless isn't that bad. I used to consider it worse than death to not have a place in society, but the factionless have banded together since my first initiation, and everybody has seen how much they resemble their own faction with their organization.

Tobias leaves the room between the mixed reactions, and that is when Jessica snakes through the group of initiates in my direction with fury evident on her face. When she gets to me, she pounces, her arms outstretched so she can reach for my throat. I catch her wrists just in time, but I still bump into the wall behind me.

"This is all your fault!" she yells, clawing at my arms to make me let go. Thankfully, Peter steps forward to hold her back. "My best friend is getting kicked out so your little Amity minion can stay! How convenient that she moved up too!"

"What are you talking about?" I ask incredulously. Many pairs of eyes are glued to us, as a disruption like this is hard to ignore, especially since Dauntless enjoy their share of drama and fights.

"Don't play stupid! We all know that you're using your boyfriend to raise your rank, as well as your friends' apparently!"

My face burns as whispers spread around us. "He's not my boyfriend, and if anything he dislikes me." The last part might be a stretch, but oh well. "Your accusation is only making you look ridiculous."

"No, what's ridiculous is the fact that you're in first place, even without completing gun training because you're too much of a coward to fire one!" she exclaims, and the initiates around us seem to agree with her.

So I decide to put an end to the rumors. "I did complete gun training after hours on my own time," I clarify calmly. "And I'm in first because I deserve it."

Jessica growls and lurches forward again despite being restrained by Peter. Finished with my retorts and needing some air, I turn and walk out of the dormitory, trying to ignore the stares boring into me.

I sigh once I am alone in the hallway. I don't know where I meant to go, so I wander slowly and aimlessly down random paths. At one point I contemplate hunting down Tobias and asking if I could stay with him again tonight, but I figure that it wouldn't be appropriate.

My decision to approach him last night was fueled by desperation and fear and therefore not pensive; however, I don't regret it because of how refreshed I felt this morning when I woke up from a deep sleep in an actual bed. It was an added bonus that I didn't suffer from nightmares, likely having something to do with the fact that I woke up wrapped tightly in his arms. Obviously it was an accident caused by our bodies being familiar with the position and each other, but I wasn't complaining.

It would have been awkward to face him though, so I didn't attempt to slide out of his grip since he was bound to wake up if I did—he is aware of his surroundings in his sleep unless it is in the first hour or so of rest, I have noticed. I waited until he woke up and carefully untangled himself from me to go take a shower. As soon as the water turned on, I slipped on my shoes and stealthily exited the apartment.

I was surprised that I was able to look him in the eye all day after that. Maybe it is a sign that we are closer than I thought. After all, he was the first person I could think of last night, when I needed someone.

My pondering is rudely interrupted when somebody bumps into my shoulder as I turn a corner. I turn to see who it was and stop short when it ends up being none other than Tori.

"Tris," she says curtly.

"Tori."

Then, with a dry smile, she taunts, "I told you that you should have let me kill her when I had the chance."

My stomach tightens uncomfortably, because she is right. If I had allowed her to kill Jeanine instead of trying to salvage information off her computer, then she wouldn't be free to roam as she pleases now.

"Yeah, I know," I scoff. "Let's add that to the list of things I regret."

Shaking my head as I walk away, I can't believe that someone who was once a trusted friend could warp into a cruel person, who rubs salt into wounds just to make a point. I never wanted that kind of relationship with Tori, and even though my Divergence isn't much of a secret anymore after I broadcasted it at Candor, it is still dangerous that she holds that information.

Our run-in has me in a foul mood for the next hour, and I find a random hallway where I can be alone to sulk. I don't want to go back to the dormitory to face anyone after Jessica's fit and false remarks, and I don't have anywhere else to go, so I curl up against a wall and close my eyes in a pathetic attempt to rest.

That is, until Uriah comes ambling down the hall.

"Tris!" he hollers. "I've been looking for you."

Flicking open my eyes, I am met with a handsome face and a white flash of teeth in the dim, blue lighting. "Unfortunately, you found me," I say plainly.

He slumps to the ground next to me with a crease between his eyebrows. "Why are you in such a bad mood? Is it because of that fight that happened in the transfers' dormitory?"

I sigh. I don't want to dampen his happy attitude with my problems, so I try to brush it off. "Nothing. Just a little stressed and guilt-ridden tonight." Thanks, Tori.

Uriah smiles sadly at me and wraps an arm around my shoulders. "I still think about the war a lot too," he admits.

"Except you have nothing to be ashamed of," I point out.

I have everything to be ashamed of; everything I touched was handled wrong. I killed Will. I let my mother get shot, and then I dragged my father with me to Dauntless to do the same. I continuously put my life out on a limb and refused to handle a gun. I let Marlene throw herself off a roof. I abandoned the most important person in my life so I could throw mine away. And then, when he forgave me, I cut his heart out by lying per usual and working behind his back with his monstrous father.

Every single day I torture myself over these actions. Over time the load has grown lighter, but once in a while it will come back to hit me full force, like a train. These mistakes will live with me until the day I die.

"Tris..." Uriah pulls me closer and leans his head against mine. "I do. We all do; we all regret the things we did last year. And you're not going to get anywhere by beating yourself up."

I don't respond.

"You know, Marlene used to constantly tell people to forgive each other—and it happened often in a place like Dauntless where there's a lot of conflict." I sneak a glance over at him because I know Marlene is a tough topic for him, but he seems okay apart from the melancholy in his eyes, so I don't stop him from talking. "But she just always said it, and I think there's another meaning to it; I think that that's what you need to do: forgive yourself," he tells me.

He talks about her to me like I didn't have a choice to save her and failed to. I don't trust my voice to not crack on the way out, so I wrap my arms around his neck instead.

Eventually I let go of him. He stands and offers a hand to me, and when I take it, he is lively again.

"Come on," he urges. "I came to find you because we're going zip lining, and we should hurry so the other initiates don't leave without us."

And when he drags me along, I can't help but be grateful to have Uriah as my friend.


We burst into the Dauntless compound, our hair windswept and our clothes disheveled, but our faces are flushed and there is a bounce in everyone's step.

I forgot how enjoyable life can be, and zip lining for the second time has reminded me of it. The way my stomach drops and the incredible view of the city as I fly down toward the pavement are possibly the only things that can still make me cry out with joy. Too hardened by my experiences, I have found that a few things truly bring me elation, and zip lining is one of them.

I am still bubbling with energy when I enter the Pit with my friends. Christina, Uriah, and Dez all laugh and walk ahead of Justin and I. Justin swings a friendly arm around my shoulder as we saunter forward.

"That was amazing," he comments, and I snicker when I notice how messy his blonde hair is.

"It was," I agree. "I've only been once before tonight, and I should definitely make it a goal to go as much as possible, now that I have the chance." War can take away much of a person's time and possibilities.

"I'll take you again one day," he offers.

The way he says it triggers something in my mind that disappears after a moment.

Spotting the tattoo parlor, I change the subject. "Have you gotten a tattoo yet?" I ask.

We stop walking, his arm dropping to his side. "Not yet. I haven't decided what to get. Do you—" He pauses. "Oh, right. You have birds," he remembers.

I pull down the collar of my jacket slightly to reveal the ravens flying across my collarbone. "Yes."

Justin reaches out and lightly grazes them with his fingertips, and I stand frozen, astounded by his forwardness.

He grins widely and removes his hand. "I like them."

Until tonight, Justin has given me no reason to believe that he has any feelings toward me, but clearly that is not the case. This is like Al all over again, and I don't want to hurt his feelings after how that turned out last time. The last thing I need is another enemy.

So I smile politely and casually look away, desperately searching for our other friends because there is safety in numbers. They are easy to locate, and I point in their direction.

"We should go see what they're up to," I suggest, not waiting for him to say no. Then I make my way over to them with my tongue pressed to my cheek.

Hopefully he will take the hint. I don't want a boyfriend. It didn't work out well the first time, and if I were to have a boyfriend, there is only one person who comes to mind.


Patrolling the factionless sector is without a doubt the last job that will be on my preference list. Fortunately, if I finish initiation in first place, I won't have to worry about being stuck here for the rest of my life.

All around me are crumbling buildings, filthy living conditions, and the factionless going about their everyday business. Most of them sneer at me and the other initiates guarding the area, but no brawls break out. I almost wish something would happen to take up some time out of this boring day.

My back aches from standing for so long, and I have to hold my rifle because leaving it dangling by the strap puts too much pressure on my shoulder to bear. The sun beats down on me, causing sweat to line my forehead.

Tobias strolls over to me after a while, pretending to check in when we both know that there are much more important matters to discuss. He seems to be as annoyed as I am.

"Enjoying your day off?" he deadpans, staring at a group of factionless cooking lunch around a fire.

"Not particularly," I reply. In fact, I would rather go through a simulation than stand out here all day. But for the rest of stage two, we will spend half of the day keeping the factionless in check and the other half waiting our turn to face one of our fears.

He gets straight to the point. "I don't know if you heard, but there have been three more suicides in the last few days. So we're going to Candor tomorrow night. I have a loose and risky plan, but it's all I have. You can make suggestions if you want. For now though, work on finding a white shirt somewhere."

Figuring that Christina will have the one she wore on her way to Dauntless, I say, "Okay."

Tobias stays uncharacteristically silent for a while, so long that eventually I turn to him and joke, "So what, we can't talk to each other now? Didn't we just sleep in the same bed a couple days ago?"

He doesn't find it funny. I watch him press his lips together and examine his gun.

"What's your problem? Are you mad at me or something?"

"Not at all, Tris." Obviously he is.

I sigh and look away from him. "You're acting ridiculous. Just tell me what's wrong," I demand.

He chuckles quietly to himself. "I'm ridiculous," he mumbles. And then pointedly to me, "Well, at least I don't go around playing people."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He huffs, frustrated, and turns to me with a scowl on his face. "You're going to pretend that you and that blonde Candor transfer are simply friends?"

"Actually, I don't need to pretend. We are just friends." Where did he get the notion that we are otherwise? Justin didn't say something, did he?

"I saw you last night with him. He was getting a little too friendly when he touched your chest, and you were happy to oblige and let him. I was surprised you didn't let him kiss you."

My face flushes red, and I correct him, "You act like he groped my chest. He touched my tattoos on my collarbone." Yet I do concur that he stepped over a line. Narrowing my eyes with my mouth twitching at the corners, I point out what is obvious. "You're jealous," I infer.

"No, I'm not," he vehemently denies, too quickly. "I just think that that's wrong on your part to lead him on, unless you've sunken low enough to like him."

I roll my eyes. "He's my friend." I feel a sudden flash of anger coming on. "Besides, you're a hypocrite. You let Jessica drool over you all the time." And I am a hypocrite for feeling jealous and possessive about that too.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yeah, like you are completely oblivious to her lusting over you from across the training room." Or her not-so-discreet comments on his muscles, or on how his skill with weapons likely mimics his level of skill in the bedroom.

I don't want to fight with him any longer, but when I note that there are fresh scabs on his knuckles, I am forced to continue with my rant. "You know, I don't know why I am always defending myself when a lot of times I don't approve of your behavior either," I snap.

"Funny, I don't remember asking for your approval," he answers.

We both remain quiet for a moment, listening to the sounds of factionless bustling around. Finally, after I have gathered my thoughts and determined where I am going with this, I continue on, "I don't want to help you with this investigation if I can't trust you. And I can't trust someone I feel like I don't know."

Tobias is partially the same as he used to be, but there is a darker side of him that has come to light. Sometimes I can't predict him, and that frightens me because it reminds me of when our relationship was fragile and he was unstable, when we were nearing the end.

"I don't understand," he says slowly, "what more you need to know about me."

The question cannot wait in my mind any longer. "Why do you fight, Tobias?" I blurt out.

He closes his eyes briefly, his eyelashes brushing his cheekbones, and loosens his grip on his rifle. It seems to be a difficult inquiry for him to answer, but soon enough he tells me, "I fight because I can't handle not having any conflict or action." Strange, how conflict is usually a negative thing, yet he desires it. He shakes his head dismissively. "It's just a habit I fell into when we returned back to our factions after the war. I'll explain it to you better someday."

I accept his answer, but I stare down at my feet and add softly, "I don't like it when you fight."

"I haven't lost once," he assures me. "I rarely get hurt."

"I still don't like it." That risk is always there, so I prefer that he avoids fighting altogether.

Tobias kicks at a stray pebble on the ground effortlessly to keep himself busy as he speaks. "If it makes you that uncomfortable, I'll stop."

While the answer satisfies me, I am surprised that he would change something so ingrained into his lifestyle now for me. We aren't together, so there is no reason why he should do anything for me really, let alone stop fighting for the sake of my concern for his wellbeing.

"You would do that for me?" I mutter.

Lifting a shoulder slightly, he gives me a look that I can't quite place, but it is accompanied by a subtle grin.

"Anything else you want to interrogate me about?" he asks. "I'll have to make another round in a moment so this long conversation doesn't seem suspicious."

Nothing comes to mind, so I let him off the hook for now. "No. You'll have to tell me the plan to break into Candor though," I say.

His deep-set eyes become stern at the reminder of our mission. "Come to my apartment tonight," he tells me, "and I'll explain it with detail."

My eyes follow his lithe figure as he approaches Uriah to make friendly conversation with him. Biting my lip, I try to ignore the tingling feeling in my fingertips, brought on by his offer to spend more time with him in his apartment tonight.

I am acting ridiculous, and I mentally scold myself for it. I see him for most of the day each day, so this should not be an exciting prospect.

But we will be alone...

If we keep continuing down this path, maybe our relationship won't be so hostile or standoffish as it still so often is. Maybe we will evolve into something greater than before. I can only wish that we do because I can no longer settle with casting my emotions aside, or pretending like I haven't been through this process before as we shrink the gap between us day by day.

My brother warned me not to get involved with Tobias the night before our second choosing.

Sorry, Caleb, but this is taking a course that I am powerless to cease.


Fair warning that I will be out of town this week and I may not update on time if at all. Sorry, and thanks for your support!