Chapter 15
Hailey didn't get much sleep that night. She was too paranoid checking on Jay, making sure he was still breathing. Every slight movement he made had her on edge and wide awake, ready to intervene if his head injury got worse.
At some point, probably around 4 in the morning if she had to estimate, she finally did drift off to sleep herself, her body caving to the exhaustion. Just as the warm light from the sunrise was peaking through his window, Hailey jolted herself awake. At first, she forgot where she was, but quickly realized when she felt a pair of hands wrapped around her body.
Hailey was turned on her side, away from Jay. But somehow, at some point in the night he had crept closer and closer to her side of the bed, tangling his feet with hers. His arms wrapped around her, holding her close to him. She could feel his chin resting on her shoulder, his scruff tickling her back. They had slept in the same bed many times before, but they had never been this close. This was a new level of intimate for them. She didn't think Jay did it on purpose, well maybe he did, but the likelihood was that he pulled her in while he was fast asleep as well. His sleep self doing what his awake self couldn't.
She craved his touch as much as she craved him. They rarely touched, both scared of what the physical intimacy would hold for them. If they crossed the line, even if that was only a hug, would they ever be able to go back? Hailey didn't think she could. In a way, it made her smile.
She stayed lying there, listening to Jay breathing in and out, feeling his breath on the back of her neck. It was oddly calming to her. A few minutes went by, peacefully, until things changed. Jay's breathing became more erratic and she could feel his body twitching against hers. At first she thought he was waking up, but how wrong she was.
"Jay?" She whispered quietly, still afraid to move him.
That was when the whimpering started. His heart was racing against her back. He was mumbling something about a mouse, and how they couldn't leave anyone behind. It broke her heart. He was in a deep sleep, but what he was saying out loud seemed very real to her, and to him. She also recognized that she was in a bit of a vulnerable position. She wasn't facing him and he had his arms wrapped tightly around her, even tighter after the nightmare started. If she made any sudden movements, she was worried he might react poorly. She trusted Jay, and knew he would never do anything to hurt her intentionally, but in this state he could be unpredictable.
"Jay…Jay…it's okay, you're alright", she said softly trying to get him to wake up calmly.
He was full blown crying now, his body shaking against hers aggressively. Hailey reached down and gently put one of her own hands over his that were resting against her stomach. She ran her thumb over his hand, trying to get him to loosen his grip so she could turn to face him.
"Shhh, it's okay. You're okay", she kept repeating until the tremors subsided just enough for her to wiggle around to face him.
She took a quick look at him, his face scrunched up in pain. Physical and emotional pain. She reached up to brush the tears away that were rolling down his cheeks. As soon as her hand made contact with his face his eyes instantly opened, his body going into full on fight or flight mode. At first she was scared he was going to be in fight mode so she raised her arms ready to fend him off, but instead he did the opposite.
He saw the fear in her eyes, her arms raised ready to protect herself. And that made him feel worse than anything else. He oriented himself, his head still pounding. But realized he was holding Hailey in very close proximity. How did that happen? Is she okay with this? He wondered. He didn't say anything at first, his body was still hopped up on adrenaline, he could feel the tears brimming in his eyes and he couldn't hold them back anymore. More spilled out, his chest heaving trying to calm his breathing down. She looked at him sympathetically and didn't say a word either. His green eyes were level with her blue ones, their noses so close to touching on the same pillow that he wondered how long they had been lying together like this. His hands were clasped around her back. How much he wished this was happening under different circumstances.
"I'm sorry Hailey", he choked out. She didn't respond in the way he expected her too, he knew he startled her.
"Don't be sorry Jay. It's fine, I'm fine. See", she pulled away from his face to show him that he didn't hurt her.
"No it's not, I scared you", he whispered.
"You didn't scare me. You were scared, and that's okay." She rested one of her hands against his chest, feeling his heart beat through his shirt. Her other hand reached up to wipe a few of his tears away.
Jay was scared. He knew exactly what had happened. The same thing that's been happening for years, and will probably always happen regardless of how good his life is, or how many therapists he sees. There is a part of his brain that will always be in Afghanistan, and he didn't know how to lock it away for good.
He nodded, acknowledging her statement that he was scared.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked quietly.
"Not really. I don't want you to carry this too", he said with a small voice.
He didn't really know why they were whispering, they were alone in his apartment. Just the two of them sharing the same pillow, staring into each other's eyes, unable to look away. He felt exposed, naked almost.
"Tell me Jay. I want to help you carry it", she replied genuinely.
He paused, unsure if he was ready or willing to share the entire story with her, the entire mess that both of his deployments were. There were too many things to tell her. All of them shocking and brutal and vivid images that he wish could be unseen.
She didn't pull away or put any walls up. She was lying here with him while he was in the darkest most vulnerable version of himself, allowing him to talk it out.
He started to tell her about Afghanistan, a subject that had been brought up between the two of them before but never fully discussed. She knew he had demons, she witnessed them multiple times, comforted him when he needed it, but never heard the 'why' behind it all. She never pushed, which he appreciated. He looked at her now, wide awake at 6 am with him, not flinching at his hands still around her back, and decided to cave to those big blue eyes begging him to let her in.
Before he knew it, he was opening up about the kids, and the dogs, and the villages. That quickly turned into the carnage, the blood, the smells, that time when only him and Mouse made it out alive. Throughout all of it she just listened, even when things got tough and he felt her own heart start to race. No doubt because of the graphic amount of details he was revealing. It was shocking, even to him after all of these years. Saying it out loud solidified how real it really was, something that was hardwired into his brain. The pain of it felt fresh after all this time, still. He didn't realize it at first but at some point Hailey had snaked her own arms around his back, while he cocooned her in his. She didn't pull back like he thought she would after all of that. Instead she had pulled him in closer. Holding the broken pieces of him together.
An hour flew by, Jay rehashing all of the bad memories he could think of. Part of him felt guilty for telling her. He didn't want her to dream about those things too. He wouldn't wish that on his worst enemy. But in a way it felt good to let it out. Once he started, it was like a faucet, he couldn't turn it off. No one knew even half of these things. Maybe Mouse, but even then, there were some things that the two of them never spoke about either. It was an unwritten code they had between them. Sure Mouse saw the things Jay did. But there were things Mouse saw and Jay didn't, and vice versa. There was too much trauma, too many terrible things, neither wanted to add to the other's pain.
At the end he just let out a big breath, signalling to his partner that he was done. That was all he had in him for this morning. She smiled softly and nodded at him, their eyes still dangerously close.
"Thank you Jay", she rubbed her hands along his mid back.
He could barely speak, his voice was hoarse from all the talking and crying he had just done. But he felt the familiar lump in his throat again when she thanked him. He really should be thanking her. All that came out was a nod, his eyes lowering, trying to avoid her searing gaze. There would be no going back if he acted on what he wanted to right now. He knew she was thinking it too, he could feel the energy between them. But he didn't want it to happen like this. They stayed like that for a few more minutes, allowing Jay to catch his breath and calm himself down. Hailey's hands stayed rubbing his back, giving him the support and the warmth that he needed.
"How's your head?" She thankfully changed the subject.
Jay had almost forgotten that he had a concussion, maybe that's why he was feeling overly emotional too. He tilted his head up again to look at her, squinting at the full sun through his window now.
"It hurts", he admitted, the pressure building in his skull.
"Do you need anything? You should try and go back to sleep. Get some rest", she whispered.
He didn't say anything at first, which to her meant he did need something so she started to pull away from him to get up. Instead of letting her go, he locked his hands behind her back.
"Can we just lie here…like this", he bravely asked.
"We can", she smiled at him, her shoulders relaxing, the tension leaving her body too.
"Thank you Hailey", he whispered as she allowed him to snuggle in close to her again. His head found a resting place tucked against her shoulder. Her arm wrapped behind his neck, the other on his back. She cradled him against her, gently running her thumb along his hairline where it met his neck, rubbing his back until he fell asleep again.
They woke up hours later, their early morning talk taking a lot out of Jay. Hailey couldn't stay in bed any longer, even though she wanted to. By ten in the morning she was antsy to have a coffee. She left Jay where he was, suspecting he would be there for most of the day anyways. She pulled his curtains all the way shut, blocking out the bright light so that he could get as much rest as possible.
She wandered out to the kitchen, made herself a coffee and breakfast and caught up with the morning headlines. Since it was the weekend she didn't technically have to do any work, but she was going to be here for the foreseeable future so she might as well get ahead on some of their paperwork and reports that she had been putting off.
Her and Jay usually switched off on the paperwork part of their jobs, it really was his turn, but she would take one for the team and do it. His head was killing him, there was no way he was going to be reading any fine print this weekend.
Will called to check on Jay, Hailey left out the morning meltdown but told him the truth otherwise. He slept more than she did, although she wasn't sure how good quality it was.
"That's to be expected. His brain needs a few days to chill. He'll probably be a little restless. But just keep giving him medicine if he needs it, drink lots of water and sleep." Will told her.
"I was nervous to let him sleep for too long last night, I think I was up half the night just staring at him, making sure he was breathing", Hailey chuckled into the phone.
She could hear Will laughing too, but she couldn't see the amusement on his face from hearing her casually admit that she slept in Jay's bed with him.
"Sleep is good. Times have changed with concussion care. After the initial injury it's important to stay up to make sure there isn't any bleeding in the brain. But Jay's past that now, and he's had scans done. He's okay to sleep Hailey I promise", Will reassured her.
"Okay if you say so. He was pretty groggy this morning, I'm worried about him", she quietly admitted, more so emotionally than physically.
Will smiled from ear to ear. "I know Hails. But he's going to be alright. This isn't his first concussion unfortunately, each one takes more of a toll. He just needs some rest for a few days."
Hearing Will call her Hails was amusing to her. Guess that was sticking.
"Thanks Will, I'll check in with you later", she told him before hanging up.
Several hours went by before Jay resurfaced. He woke up feeling out of sorts, and a bit nauseous really. He tried to sit up in bed, but quickly regretted it. His head was throbbing, and his vision was a little blurry. He clumsily reached around his night stand for his glasses. He wore them once in a blue moon, sometimes at night. He didn't even think Hailey has seen him wear them before. He pulled himself out of bed slowly making his way to the living room.
Her head perked up when she heard his door open. She studied him carefully as he walked towards her, he looked unwell. But she smiled when she saw him with his glasses on, he looked so cute.
"Hey four eyes", she joked, getting a grin out of him with that comment.
"Figured I can use all the help I can get with my vision right now", he joked, but Hailey didn't find that as amusing.
"What's wrong with your vision?" She said nervously.
"Just feeling a bit blurry, this has happened before. It goes away don't worry", he replied.
"Okay", she said slowly. "Do you want anything to eat?"
Jay contemplated that for a second, looking around realizing it was lunch time. His stomach growled.
"I really want a coffee", he said testing her.
"Nice try. No caffeine for a few days. How about some juice?"
Jay nodded, feeling like the sugar might help give him a boost.
"Alright, I'll make some toast too", Hailey stated, even though Jay didn't really feel like eating.
She brought it over to the couch a few minutes later, watching him carefully. He was pale still.
"Better?" She asked him as he forced the toast down.
He shrugged his shoulders. "Not really. I feel really nauseous. But the juice helped."
She looked disappointed, in the fact that she couldn't really do much for him.
"That's good. You want to go back to bed?" She asked.
"I'm going stir crazy", he shook his head no.
"I know. But Will said you need to sleep it off", she said as she watched him stifle a yawn.
"Come on, back to bed", she grabbed at his arm, gently pulling him off the couch.
He nodded reluctantly, crawling back into bed as Hailey tucked him in.
"I have to work on some paperwork, but I'm right outside if you need anything", she told him.
He nodded at her again with his eyes closed, he could feel his body shutting down. The smell of lavender still lingering on his pillow.
A few more hours went by as Hailey worked on paperwork from Jay's kitchen. She had poked her head in a few times to check on him but he seemed to being doing okay so she let him rest undisturbed. Sleeping it off, just as Will said.
It was close to dinner by the time that Jay came out of his bedroom again, looking a little more like himself.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" Hailey asked as Jay approached her sitting at his kitchen table.
He hummed and hah'd, hesitating just a bit, evaluating how his body was feeling.
"I'm actually feeling a lot better. Sleeping… all day…helped", he said checking the time, surprised at how late it was. He never slept this long.
Hailey chuckled at that, he looked confused by the time. "You needed the rest."
He smiled, sitting down next to her to see what she was working on.
"Hailey, you've been doing this all day? You didn't have to", Jay said stunned at how caught up she was on their ever behind pile of paperwork. There were case reports in here that had been outstanding for weeks.
"It's fine Jay, I needed something to pass the time. Couldn't listen to you snore all day", she teased.
He rolled his eyes. "First, I do not snore. Only when I'm sick or really tired. So this may have been an exception day. And secondly, thank you for looking after me yesterday and today." He flashed her his signature dimple filled grin that made her melt every time.
"You're welcome. Would you like something to eat now?" She got up to head into the kitchen before Jay stopped her.
"You've done enough today. Let's order take-out, my treat", Jay replied.
"Twist my arm", she laughed as Jay chose something he was craving.
Their food arrived and the two of them sat down on the couch to eat. Italian was a good choice, it was frigid out and nothing hit the spot as much as some comfort carbs and cheese.
The TV was off, Hailey didn't want to push it with the screen time. Although Jay said he was feeling better, she didn't fully believe him.
"You look good in glasses", Hailey blurted out while staring at Jay across the couch.
He gave her a little side grin, not expecting the compliment.
"I never wear these in front of anyone. Count yourself lucky Upton."
Hailey's turn to giggle, "I know. Special", she sipped her tea.
"Yes, you are", Jay replied back instantaneously, his cheeks rosy afterwards.
Hailey shook her head and smiled, averting her eyes from Jay. They finished their dinner in silence.
A few hours later, Hailey had been unsuccessful in trying to get Jay to go back to bed. So, they compromised and Hailey had been reading him a book instead. A strange arrangement, but nonetheless a good alternative to TV. Jay's head was starting to lull back and forth, she could see him start to get tired.
"Jay, why don't you go to bed, it's late now you're tired", she tried to reason with him.
"No, not yet", he replied. She sensed his aversion to going back to bed didn't have much to do with how tired he was but more so that he was nervous about having a nightmare again.
"Alright, but close your eyes. I'll keep reading", she caved to him.
Jay did as he was told and pulled a blanket up over his shoulders, wiggling closer to Hailey on the couch. She smiled when she felt his head rest against her shoulder and his body relax into hers.
A little while later, she could hear his breathing change and realized he had fallen asleep. Finally, she thought. She gently put the book down next to her and enveloped Jay in a hug.
It's like he had been waiting for her to accept him into her arms because as soon as she made the slightest movement, Jay was right there pressed against her chest.
Hailey laughed silently, her upper body now supporting most of Jay's body weight. Her tiny arms barely fit around his shoulders and back, but she made it work. Jay's right arm was thrown across Hailey's body, protecting her. She returned the favour by placing one arm behind his back, the other supporting his right shoulder area. He seemed content so she left him be for now, allowing her eyes to shut too.
Will used his key to get into Jay's apartment after his shift. Hailey wasn't answering his calls or texts and he was getting a little worried. They could be asleep, it had been a long few days. But he wanted to make sure things were alright.
He opened the door, and immediately saw a poof of blonde hair sticking up over the backrest of the couch. He felt relieved that she was still here with Jay.
"Hailey?" He called out softly. But she didn't answer him. His heart rate skyrocketed, expecting the worst, especially when he poked his head into Jay's room and found the bed empty. But by the time he made his way over to the couch his frown immediately turned into a smile.
Hailey and Jay were lying there together, Jay out cold in her arms. He watched them silently for a few moments, Jay wiggling himself closer to his partner with every breath. Hailey's hand was resting against his back, holding him against her. Will didn't dare move or make a sound. If this was how Jay was able to stay asleep, all the power to Hailey. Usually by now the simple sound of Will's footsteps would have immediately jolted his brother awake. But Jay seemed content as he was, and so did Hailey. Will pulled a blanket from the other couch and gently covered the two of them, sneaking out the front door and leaving Hailey to do the rest.
He wasn't sure what the future held for his brother and Hailey, but for the first time in a long time, he wasn't worried about Jay. What he was sure about was that Jay was in good hands, even now, concussed and in pain. He was confident that whenever Jay was hurting, he would have a safe place to turn to in Hailey. That he would always be able to seek refuge and comfort in the arms of his partner.
I've taken a bit of a writing break as school has been hectic! Sorry for the delay, I'm hoping to get another chapter up soon. We were finally fed GOOD this week! So many precious Upstead moments, and I think more to come. Thank you all for the amazing feedback and love on this story so far! I realized that I've been posting on here for a year now, it's crazy how time flies. Reflecting on this time last year as I was in the early stages of 'Hailey & Jay', I would have never imagined what was to come, especially for a first time writer (and self proclaimed science gal/not usually a creative person). I am very grateful to everyone who has read and sent messages about both of my stories. I always feel refreshed and inspired after reading all of the positivity. Cheers to another year, enjoy -K
