Jeyna feels better the moment she stops trying to push away the pent-up emotions of the last few weeks. It's an intense, but short display, and when her breathing starts to even out she feels calmer.
The tears are drying into salty tracks on her cheeks, and her eyes feel puffy as she watches the door to the dormitory open. Ren enters, and Jeyna looks over him. He's dressed in casuals, his hair still wet as if he's just come from the other refresher. But something else about him is different, she thinks, as he hesitantly approaches her.
He stops next to her, sliding down the wall to sit. He drops a commlink onto the floor, near her towel.
Ren's eyes stay fixated on his hands, propped on his knees. She can't place it, but his energy feels changed from the last time they had been alone together. He's less volatile, he doesn't immediately overwhelm her like he has in the past.
She's reminded of the morning she'd woken up with him on Kashyyyk, how calm his presence had made her feel. Until he'd roused fully and pulled away, turning cold.
They sit in silence for several moments, and though Jeyna's heart responds to his closeness, she is able to keep her wits about her. He finally takes a breath as if he's about to speak, but holds it for a beat before exhaling.
"Do you know what those were?" she asks to break the silence. She had researched the creatures of Dxun, and never came across anything remotely similar.
"I think they were devourers," he says uncertainly. "I remember reading about them. Places with strong ties to the dark side can warp the natural wildlife."
She's intrigued. "Where did you read that?"
When he looks at her finally, she notices his face is somehow more relaxed, his eyes almost vulnerable. "In a Jedi text."
The answer catches her off guard, as she wonders where he would have accessed such a record. But she doesn't press him to explain. Something about the moment makes her unwilling to push, content instead to settle with the much more relaxed chemistry between them.
"By the time I would have gotten to them, they'd have been dead," he says suddenly. "Assuming I could have reached them. More were waking up in the tomb, the ship could have been overrun."
She understands he is justifying himself, and searches for the right response. His decision had been logical, and she doesn't fault him for it.
Jeyna sees his hands from the corner of her eye, and realizes they are trembling slightly. She turns to face him, searching his face in surprise. Is he upset?
Ren's staring at his hands again, and he clenches them to stop the shake. Jeyna's pensive as she remembers when they'd spoken about his powers, the implication of them. How does someone else's death feel to him? If he can feel their emotions, hear their thoughts… He must sense their fear, their despair. What does it feel like to him when their heart stops, their brain shuts down?
Does he have to feel that, every time he kills for the First Order's cause? Every time he's around death, does he have to experience it intimately? Did he feel it as every single one of the men on Dxun were torn apart?
She can't begin to imagine. It must happen often, judging by her little time with him. How does he cope with feeling so much of the suffering and death that he's constantly surrounded by? How can he bring himself to inflict it on anyone or anything, when he has to feel the results in such a way?
Horrified, she finds herself reaching for one of his hands on impulse. She takes it in both of hers, still failing to encompass it fully.
"Kylo…" she says softly, unsure what else to say. Nothing she can say will truly console him, or change what he has to endure. His power seems more like a curse to her in this moment. She wishes she could comfort him, pull him closer. But she's hesitant to do more, already feeling the muscles of his hand tense at her grip.
"Since I was a child, people have only ever wanted to get farther away from me," he says, slowly. "Why do you want to be closer?"
She meets his eyes, the familiar magnetism trapping her gaze in his. She doesn't know how to answer him. How can she explain the overriding instinct she feels, drawing her towards him? That her whole life, she's been able to tell when something valuable has been buried, deep out of sight, and she's felt a relentless need to surface it?
He turns, leaning down closer to her face. His free hand pushes a strand of her hair, still damp, back from her eyes. "I'm not buried treasure, Jeyna. It's nothing so pretty."
"I don't care," she says defiantly. Her body, which was slow to warm to his presence, is heating up at the open expression of his face. How unguarded he is in the moment thrills her, jittery impulses racing along her skin.
"You don't?" Kylo presses, voice low. She doesn't miss the way his eyes dart to her lips, and the twitch of excitement is causes in her stomach. "There is no good to unearth in me."
Despite his words, she hears the doubt in his voice. It breaks through clearly, shattering the last bit of self control she'd been hanging onto. Jeyna closes the distance that separates them, brushing her lips against his hesitantly. "Please," she breathes again, knowing now what she is begging for.
His own control breaks, he turns her head so he can access her fully. The kiss isn't as bruising as the last, his lips lingering on hers, tender. Elation blooms in her chest at how sweetly he holds her face, the tentative way he deepens the kiss. Everything about this is different than their last encounter, less rushed, but more exposed.
All too soon, he breaks away, edging back from her lips. She searches his face, the dark lashes resting against pale skin. The hand she still holds moves, winding fingers through hers, while he breathes as if struggling to steady himself.
"You don't understand what you're doing," he says quietly, frustration lacing his words.
His eyes open, and she can see the shadow of emotion cross them, like watching a storm roll in. "What do you mean?"
"You're a bird, choosing the cage," he answers.
"Did I ever have a choice?" she asks, confused. Jeyna hadn't been given one, when the First Order took her. Or did he mean there would be one, eventually?
Kylo pulls his hand from hers, to trace his thumb over her cheekbone and down, to her chin. She can see the transformation come over him, the way his face hardens over the vulnerability. She feels the energy turn thick, the tension returning. "It doesn't matter now," he says, and it sounds final.
His hand trails downward, a single finger tracing the line of her neck until it hooks onto the neckline of the oversized shirt she's wearing. "What is this?"
She drops her gaze to it, licking her lips nervously. "The ship is only stocked with men's clothing."
"How ridiculous," he remarks, distracted. He grabs her hips suddenly, lifting and pulling her until she straddles him. Her knees are forced wide by how broad he is, and a shiver shoots up her spine as she settles down against him.
Jeyna hears the commlink go off, but he ignores it. She's studying his face, trying to read what emotion is warring underneath it. But with the openness gone, his eyes have turned hungry. It makes her heart speed up, fear returning with lust as if they belong together. His hands rise from her hips, moving under her shirt to trail fingertips up her bare sides.
They reach her bottom rib and stop. "Is this alright?" he asks, eyes flickering between hers. When she nods, he licks his bottom lip. "Good girl," he breathes.
A shock of pleasure shoots through her core at the praise, causing her breath to come out like a gasp. His hands trace the sides of her breasts, exposed under the shirt, before his thumbs brush across her nipples.
The commlink goes off again, and she flinches as it goes flying into the wall, shattering into pieces that rain down on the metal floor of the dormitory. Jeyna wants to ask if that was important, but his thumbs continue swirling around and brushing over the sensitive parts of her chest, making the words vanish. Her breathing turns shallow, and she longs to touch him too. But everything about him warns her not to, and she stays frozen where he's placed her.
He reaches around her back, placing a palm along her spine to push her, upward and towards him. She follows his lead, rising up onto her knees.
"Hands on the wall," Kylo orders.
She obeys, placing them flat against the cool metal above his shoulders. She breathes in sharply when he bends his head to bite her neck, before kissing and licking at the tender spot. His hands roam the skin under her shirt, restless. Her mind quickly becomes dizzy with his touches, as he works his way up and down her neck. Rough bites mixed with apologetic kisses until he finds a spot that makes a desperate moan leave her.
His hands grip her hips, roughly pulling her down to grind against him. She bites her lip, strangling the noise of pleasure, her body reacting too strongly. Everything in her is screaming for more, and she's lost. The world has become him.
Kylo's mouth finds hers again, and his kiss is dominating. She gives in on instinct, the growl that comes from his chest rewarding her when she opens her mouth for him. His arm pulls her hips tightly against him, a hand tangling in her hair. He bites her lower lip, before his own lips lock over it so he can run his tongue across the swollen skin. When his mouth covers hers fully again, she's drunk on the feeling of it.
Panic worms its way into her chest, interrupting the flood of heat. Jeyna's overcome by the intensity, the rough demands of his hunger and her own desperation that rises to meet it. Her hands drop to cling onto him, a whimper of fear and need leaving her.
He breaks his hold, leaning back. It's just enough space for her to catch back onto reality. He gives her time, lets her focus on breathing, on calming her racing heart. She feels his presence in her mind before he says, gently, "You're afraid."
"Not of you," she assures automatically, avoiding his gaze in embarrassment. She shifts off his lap, moving to sit beside him. How to explain, that she feels lost in the tidal wave of lust? That she fears she won't find her way back if she gives in?
Does she even need to explain? Nothing in her is private, he sees and takes it all.
He reaches to turn her face, lifting her eyes to his. "Do you trust me?"
The question stuns her, and she falters. Her instincts, and her traitorous body, want to say yes immediately. But can she really trust someone whose given her no free will over her life? Ren's forced her to do what he wants, used her to further his goals.
"I'm not patient," Kylo says, voice turning cold. "Decide soon."
He stands, striding to the door of the dormitory. "We'll be docking on the Finalizer soon."
She doesn't answer, and he leaves her in silence. Her hand rises to her neck, running over the flesh his attention has made tender. She winces as she realizes it might have left marks, pulling her hair closer to the skin.
What would become of her life, after she helped him find whatever the map led to? You're a bird, choosing the cage. Would he let her choose freedom? Did she trust him, to offer her that? Or did she trust the hunger in his gaze, that would keep her a prisoner?
Jeyna pulls herself upright, walking to one of the lower bunks of the dormitory. She curls up on it, wrapping her arms around herself and wishing her life could be the simple pursuit of her studies again. She'd avoided men for the most part up until now, content to settle for one lackluster experience in her youth.
Was this what it was supposed to feel like? Was this love, or passion, or pure animalistic drive? It was consuming, and she'd never imagined anything as terrifying.
Or was it Kylo Ren? Was it his power that made it this way? It wasn't just how he used the force, it was more than that… She thinks of the holocron from her childhood. Of how the image of Revan speaking to her had captivated her young mind. She had felt the importance radiating even from the holorecording.
Is this how it was for all strong force users? Did they drive the galaxy, twist fate in their hands? Or was it the force itself, using them as tools, pushing them along predetermined routes? Were they all just prisoners, to one another, and the endless will of the force?
Her head aches, and she closes her eyes. Jeyna wishes she could block it all out, but her mind reaches out in newfound awareness. She can feel Kylo, his agitation, his tension. She focuses, unsure if the connection is real or not. But there, beneath the anger, she feels it. Regret. Longing.
