merendinoemiliano: :D Thanks! I had a lot of fun with that one.

gemsofformenos: "So the eclipse didn't happen." Correct, Ozai ignored the problem until it went away. "This one here gave me heavy Point-And-Click-Adventure-Vibes like Monkey Island where you want to achieve someting..." xP It was absolutely formatted like a video game with side quest after side quest. "adding Toph to your inventory is mandatory for any game in my opinion" The Toph is the most powerful and rare item in the inventory! "Azula fixes a lot, revives Aang, fights Bosco (again) after she has used his portals and she has saved Iroh so he and Zuko could have their crying moment aaaand thanks to her abilities with the fidget spinner she was able to save her cabbages and isolate Sie from his friends. And don't forget all of this in just fifteen minutes. Awesome." She was a busy merchant and a very speedy, efficient one!

"But I love the somber moment as well when Sie hot sad and angry that Azula is blessed with luck while he has to work so hard for all he got." I had to throw in some drama, things don't just come easily to Sie! It was supposed to be a little parody of Azula's canon situation. Because her canon situation makes me said so lets just use humor to cope again. "My favorite chapter so far. Thank you so much for gifting us all needed smiles. Have a wonderful day and keep on having fun with your stories" Thanks once again for your review! It's always awesome to hear that it makes you smile!


The camera pans in and out several times before finally coming into focus. Sure, we can be doing a chapter on the Southern Raiders where Sie hunts Zuko & down and tries to take vengeance on them for ruining his perfect life.

Instead we view a simple cabbage merchant wearing a blue apron with cabbages embroidered upon it, matching oven mitts, and a chef hat. Beneath the chef's hat she has her hair bound in its usual topknot with a few cute little cabbage and caterpillar hair clips.

The cabbage merchant is adorable and wholesome.

Next to her is her lovely, equally adorable assistant, Jet. He to wears an apron. He does not wear a shirt under that apron. But the apron reads, 'kiss the cook' and, in significantly smaller print, 'please, he's lonely.'

Iroh and Zuko are also there. They have chosen to wear the standard Jasmine dragon uniforms. But Iroh still wears his cool™ sunglasses. He has not taken them off since he acquired them. They make him feel young again.

"Are we rolling?" Zuko asks.

"I think that we are." Jet replies.

Iroh gives cheerful finger guns.

Azula turns to the camera and smile. "Hi, I'm cabbage merchant, Azula and this is my boyfriend and assistant, Jet."

He smiles and waves at the camera.

"This is my future business partner, uncle Iroh. He isn't my uncle, but he is someone's uncle."

"He's my uncle!" Zuko exclaims more joyfully than necessary.

"And that's Zuko!" Azula points at him. "And today we are going to be showing you how to cook my favorite recipes; sauteed cabbage and southern fire-fried cabbage! And after that, my good friends, Iroh and Zuko will show you how to brew up a good cup of tea!" With a charming sound of tinkling wind chimes and a swirl of white-pink sparkles, the screen flashes black for approximately 2.5 seconds before the scene changes.

The kitchen is now set up and everyone is in position. On the cooking counter you can see several tools; various cutting knives, one Kenu Reeves knife, spoons, fork, a ladle, a rolling pin (this is not necessary, but Azula likes to leave it out just in case), and one roll of toilet paper! There is no hand sanitizer, that's what the toilet paper is for!

Also on the counter are the ingredients for a perfect sauteed cabbage. There is a bottle of olive oil, a cabbage, two sticks of butter, another cabbage, salt 'n pepa (like the band, push it real good), more cabbage, one onion, and more cabbages. '

A ludacris amount of cabbage.

As in, rap artist, ludacris (who is so kindly providing the background music for today's episode of Azula's Bitchin' Kitchin) had stood still while Azula stacked a tower of cabbages to match his height and body mass.

Azula looks up at the camera. "Okay, first things first. We have to make sure our cooking area is sanitized and free of any nasty viruses that may or may not be currently plaguing your society. I would like to think that everyone knows how to sanitize a workspace, but a wise man…" Iroh gives a wave, "...once told me; people are like bees. Bees follow a queen. If the queen is dumb then the whole swam is dumb. You must always assume that the queen is dumb and attempt to teach the queen so that the rest of her swarm may become smarter too." Azula pauses, hoping that she relayed Iroh's teaching correctly. "I don't know who the queen of your society is but whoever you are, listen closely. To sanitize a work space you must unravel exactly three squares of your toilet paper. No more, no less. If you use less toilet paper then your area will not be sufficiently clean. If you use too much then an angry spirit will rise up and curse your family name for generations to come for being wasteful. Please only use three squares exactly!" Azula takes three squares of toilet paper. "Now all you have to do is simply slide your toilet paper over each and every surface. The first square is used to get the right side and the third square will clean the left. Use the second square to clean your hands." Azula hands Jet the first and third squares, he promptly begins brushing it over every inch of the room starting at the back right corner and working his way to the front right. He repeats this for the left and then Azula furiously runs the toilet paper over her hands.

"Now that we have cleaned our bitchin' kitchen' it is time to begin cooking. Preheat your oven. I usually like to keep my oven at a nice and toasty 666!" She looks behind her. Ozai smiles and waves at the camera as he lights the stove.

"We don't actually use the oven for this recipe, but it is good to always turn your oven on so that it doesn't feel left out!" She explains happily.

Jet, Iroh, and Zuko nod in agreement.

"Now that you have your oven feeling welcomed and included, we can begin cooking! First you must take one of your beautiful, precious cabbages and slice it down the middle." She pauses. Jet holds up the cabbage for the viewer to marvel at. It is a perfectly lush and green cabbage. He then hands it to her. "Now, I know that you probably have mixed feelings about stabbing a cabbage. But I assure you that it is fine so long as you thank the cabbage for its sacrifice before doing so."

Azula closes her eyes and whispers something to her cabbage. The cabbage giggles. And then she cuts it open, shedding a few tears. "Now, many chefs will tell you to discard the cores. They are wrong! The cores of cabbages are the hearts of cabbages and they are not to be ill treated. I like to store mine in jars. Jet…"

Jet nods and pulls out a box with several locks and hexes that need to be broken through before it opens. Azula pulls out a jar full of cabbage cores and tenderly places that one within. "Not only is it respectful to keep a cabbage's heart, but it is also useful; cabbage cores can be used to summon the void to consume the life essence of your foes!"

"Oh, sounds scary, Azula!" Jet remarks.

"It is, Jet. But don't worry, I've only ever used them on my mother." She says with that same cheery tone and demeanor.

"The next step is to ignore the oven and heat a saute pot on the stove. Now, this is somewhat difficult because your oven will cry and tell you that it is insecure, trying to guilt you into using it. This is a trap. Please ignore your oven!" Azula cautions. "Go on, Jet."

"Please love me! I need friends too!" The oven begs as Jet places the pot on the stove. The oven sounds curiously like the cabbage merchant, "I didn't mean to take over Ba Sing Se and kill the Avatar, don't hate me." Jet continues to ignore the oven that sounds uncannily like Azula as he wanders back to the real Azula's side.

"Now, that was disturbing!" Azula comments. "But it is completely normal."

Jet holds up a stick of butter and some olive oil. He is a little early, but Azula can't fault him for being eager!

"The next thing that you'll want to do is melt some butter in the pot and add your olive oil. By this time you oven has already gone through the five stages of grief and has accepted that you are not going to use it this time around. On some occasions it will whisper one final plea, so no one will blame you if you still wish to proceed with caution."

She watches jet pour in some olive oil and butter. "You've probably noticed that I haven't told you how much olive oil and butter to add. This is because you will know in you heart what the right amount is for you and your family or friends. I know that some of you are thinking, 'but Azula, I am eating alone!' This is not true viewers! You are never alone; the void, a ghost, and/or a dilliuminati agent will always join you. Even if you can't see your companion, they are there."

"I eat with the void every day!" Zuko puts in.

"Wonderful to hear, Zuko." Azula says before turning back to the camera. "The next step is the most important. You will take your sacred cabbages and you will begin adding them to the pot. At the same time you will add your Salt 'n Pppa."

Jet carefully and lovingly adds some cabbage to the pot. "Salt 'n Pepa, take it away!" The lights dim and the hip hop duo begin singing at the pot, coaxing it to cook.

"For about ten to fifteen minutes, you will stir your pot. Feel free to go five minutes shorter or longer depending on the situation at hand. If one of the following situations happen, please stir for five minutes less; if your cabbages tell you to stop and/or look fully cooked, if the void begins to open behind you, if the food smells like it is ready, if your cabbages are starting to burn, or-most importantly-if the oven begins to yearn for affection again. Stir for five minutes more if your cabbages haven't sufficiently cooked, if they ask you to cook them longer, or if the void has possessed your soul and you physically cannot stop stirring." She pauses. "If the void does possess your soul please contact your local priest and bomb disposal team immediately."

With another sound of chimes and flash of sparkles the fifteen minutes of mundane stirring have passed. Azula now stands in front of the nearly finished meal. "This is the part where I add my secret ingredient. I will not tell you what it is, because it is a secret."

She turns around, concealing something, hiding it from view. She puts it into the pot and there comes a series of sizzles and pops. It bursts into black flames, from which tormented wails can be heard-the voices of angst fics past. The fire dies down and the stove dings.

Cue windchimes and sparkles.

The kitchen is now neatly cleaned and Azula is holding up a totally delicious and healthy meal. "What am I holding?" She asks in a tone that indicates disgust.

"A cherry pit, merchant." Answers a sheepish voice in the studio audience. It is one of Sie's serving girls.

Azula shakes her head before realizing that she is indeed holding up a cherry pit and it is Jet who is holding up their newly cooked meal. "Oh. Hmm. Well that is strange. Tell me why, on the most important day of television history, one of you decided to put a pit in my sauteed cabbage!?"

"It wasn't a decision, it was just a small mistake." The serving girl squeaks.

"Small!? Do you realize what could have happened if I hadn't sensed the pit in time?"

"I suppose you could have...choked?"

"No." No that wasn't it at all. "The cherry pit would have ruined the recipe." Of course this is only scratching the surface. The cherry pit would have actually caused a ripple effect. You see, the cabbage merchant was going to send the sauteed cabbage to Qin Lee for his birthday which, woefully, due to the virus, he was forced to spend in isolation-he is dissatisfied. But Qin Lee is deathly allergic to cherry pits. So he would have died. Now Qin Lee is in charge of making sure the Phoenix King's air fleet is on course. With him having died, the fleet would have been exactly three feet and four inches off course. This would have had them right in the path of a large messenger hawk. The messenger hawk would have flown out of the way to avoid collision, instead colliding with Aang who would have fallen on top of Ozai resulting in a very awkward moment where Ozai would nervously stroke his beard and Aang would cough uneasily. But the force of Aang's landing would have thrown Ozai's ship off course, setting it in the path of the comet. The airship would have collided with the comet causing it to impact the earth. Ozai would cry out in jubulace because it would have obliterated Ba Sing Se. However, the fall of Ba Sing Se would have impacted trade, including to the Fire Nation. The global economy would have crashed. Ozai and princess Sie would be homeless because the people will have invaded the palace in a fit of anger. Society would succumb to anarchy and fall. A lone cabbage merchant would have pushed her stall across a deserted wasteland with nothing and no one to buy her cabbages. It would only be she and princess Sie and Earth Kingdom Azula (who is still no help, because she is only eight years old, but her eyebrows are still on fleek).

So it is a good thing that Azula had sensed the pit in time.

"I'm sorry, merchant." The servant apologizes.

Azula sighes and rolls her eyes. "Fine, since it is a special day, I will show mercy."

The servant sighs in relief.

"You are banished, leave my kitchen at once."

The woman is terribly distraught, Azula's Bitchin' Kitchen is the only show she watches.

.oOo.

"HEY YOU! YES YOU! ARE YOU TIRED OF WARS BUT FINE WITH LIES AND TOTAL BULLSHIT!? CONTACT YOU LOCAL TRAVEL AGENT TODAY AND YOU CAN BE ON YOUR WAY TO BA SING SE!" Long Feng takes a deep breath. "BA SING SE HOSTS SEVERAL SCENIC WALLS THAT YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO EXIT! WE HAVE FIRST CLASS RESTAURANTS LIKE THE JASMINE DRAGON AND WONDERFUL BRAINWASHING FACILITIES LIKE LAKE LOGAI SPA RESORT!"

"RIDE YOUR FLYING BISON ON OVER TO BA SING SE, DO IT TODAY!" Long Fang adds.

Long Feng and Long Feng turn to the camera in unison. "BOOK YOUR FLIGHT TODAY AND COME TO BA SING SE!"

.oOo.

There comes the sound of peaceful harp music and a bubbling brook.

The image changes slightly and there is a birdseye view of a twisting and turning sapphire blue river. Within the river are funky psychedelic rainbows.

There is the sound of wind instruments. Suddenly the screen shows a deep and lush forest. A deer runs out.

The image changes again to tea light candles and a handful of beads. There is a slight whistle under the sound of wind instruments and harps.

The forest is back. The deer turns its head. It has two noses where its eyes should be and one eye where its nose should be. The swirling rainbow pattern now translucently overlays the image of the deer, darkening until only the eye can be seen.

The music grows louder and the pattern begins to swirl.

Text appears on the screen; "Guru Phatik's Self-Help/Therapy. Join us today. Jooooin usssssss."

.oOo.

A loud screeching, drilling noise plays over a black screen for forty-five seconds. That is it. That's the commercial. No one is quite sure what it is supposed to be advertising, but Sie speculates that it is an add for the drill that had penetrated Ba Sing Se.

.oOo.

"Aaaand we're back!" Azula declares. "Iroh and Zuko will now show you how to make lavender & cabbage tea! It is a brand new recipe that will be coming to the Jasmine Dragon after we sign some contracts to solidify our business partnership!" She nods at Iroh, "go on, Iroh."

Iroh clears his throat. "Good evening everyone, I hope that you are all having a lovely afternoon."

"Uncle, time zones exist and some people might be reading this at three in the morning instead of sleeping like a responsible person should."

"I apologize." Iroh says. "A good morning, afternoon, or night to all of you!" He only says this out of respect for his nephew, because he knows that time is a social construct so it doesn't really matter anyways. Azula always starts her show at 2:00 in the afternoon. But for most people, it is 7:00 at night.

"I am very excited to share this recipe with everyone. I hope that it will bring joy and comfort into your homes." Iroh pauses and clasps his hands together. "Now, you might be thinking that making tea is as simple as grabbing a tea bag and swishing it around for a bit. But that only gets you a cup of hot leaf juice."

A 'booing' track plays.

"But if you follow my instructions closely, you will have your very own cup of lavender-cabbage tea."

"I'm really excited, uncle!" Zuko's eyes twinkle with delight. "Let's get started."

"Yes, let's make some tea!" He raises a finger and dashes across the kitchen.

"Remember, ignore the oven!" Azula cautions."

.oOo.

"Man, I hate this show!" Sie comments before flipping the channel.

He is met with a bombastic guitar riff. "Yo! What's up muthafukas! It's yer gurl Toph and yer boi Twinkle Toze! Today we're going to ride a giant serpent through Serpent's Pass while Sokka and Katara look on in horror and then we'll head off to a hidden underground library to piss off an uptight owl!"

"Yeah, this is more like it." Sie nods to himself. He holds a tub of ice cream to his chest, knowing that this show will only fill the emptiness of TyLee's betrayal for approximately an hour.