"Come on in, Major. Pick a chair." Shepard leaned back against the shuttle.
Kaidan stood outside the ring of folding chairs. The cargo bay lights gave his frown extra shadow. He crossed his arms.
"Why aren't we in the war room?" he asked.
"That is where we normally debrief," Tali agreed.
She and Garrus were already seated. Three empty chairs remained for the other members of the ground team. James always ran a little late inventorying the armory after a groundside mission.
"Thought I'd mix it up." Shepard shrugged. "Take a seat. Any seat."
Kaidan stared at the three empty chairs for a long moment.
"I'll stand," he decided.
"I insist," Shepard said.
"No, I insist," Kaidan said.
Garrus glanced between them. Tali tugged on his sleeve.
"What's going on?"
"Human thing maybe?" Garrus said. "No idea."
"Major Alenko, please take a seat," Shepard said with pointed firmness.
"You're ordering me to take a seat?" Kaidan scoffed.
"Hmm. Some cultural etiquette perhaps." Garrus put an elbow on the back of Tali's chair. "Once saw two humans at a door. Clogged the dock entrance arguing over who should go first. Apparently, it's polite to let another go first. Ironic. Each trying to outdo the other in politeness, they were very rude to everyone else just wanting to catch their shuttle."
"I don't know," Tali said. "I don't think this is about politeness."
"With Shepard? Probably right," Garrus agreed.
Shepard folded her fingers and studied her nails. She flicked a glance up at Kaidan. "Refusing a direct order?"
"An order?" Kaidan muttered. "Unbelievable."
He marched to the nearest chair. Shepard lowered her fist with straightening posture and watched. Kaidan stopped by the chair and hesitated.
"Fire up the mariachi band." James strutted around the corner of a freight container. "Start the Fiesta. James Vega has arrived."
He passed Garrus and Tali and dropped into the chair by Kaidan. James looked up at him.
"What? You wantin' to sit here or something."
Kaidan tested the legs of James's chair with his boot. The only reaction was James's scrunching face. No wobble.
"Nevermind," Kaidan said.
"Want me to turn on some music to help you decide?" Shepard said. "Two spots left, pick one."
"Something's weird here." James looked between them. "Got a little power struggle going on, Lola? This between senior officers or between …"
Shepard shot him a look.
"What? I left it a dot-dot-dot."
Garrus looked past Tali at James. "You're human, and you don't understand this?"
"Not sure what this is," James said.
"It's not about politeness," Tali said firmly.
"You're holding up the debriefing," Shepard said. She went to the nearest empty chair, grabbed the back of it, and lifted an eyebrow at Kaidan. "You don't want to sit first? Make a choice?"
"Go ahead."
"Okay." Shepard dropped onto the seat, a solid landing. No wobble. "Tick tock, Alenko. James's cards won't play themselves. I'm sure Garrus has calibrations to do."
Garrus checked his Omni-Tool. "V759 field stabilizer is already off by half a percent."
"What about me?" Tali said. "I have things to do too. I was going to look at resyncing the emission gauge with the recycler feed."
"See, Kaidan, you're even holding up Tali's resyncing. Now, stop hovering and sit."
Kaidan moved over the last empty chair and grabbed the back. Shepard made a show of checking the time on her Omni-Tool. She sighed. All the eyes in the room weighed on him. Kaidan shoved the chair away and shot across the cargo bay.
"Where's he going?" James asked.
"Kaidan?" Shepard twisted in her chair with a growl. "Where the hell are you …"
A stack of folding chairs leaned against the wall by the armory. Kaidan snared the top chair. He tapped it down in the circle next to Shepard. A smile played on his lips. He eyed her with smugness.
Shepard rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Just sit."
Kaidan lowered himself slowly onto the seat. James's eyebrows bunched together watching him. Garrus and Tali shared a look. Kaidan settled his weight. The chair creaked. It wobbled forward.
"Dammit!"
Shepard hid the grin behind her hand and cleared her throat. "Let's start with plus, minus, delta. Vega, you provided reconniance, kick it off."
Kaidan frowned sideways at Shepard. His chair groaned and tilted as he redistributed his weight.
"Did it even matter which chair I chose?" he said under his breath. "You boobytraped all of them?"
"Just that one," Shepard said to the side. She let a smile strain deep into her cheeks. "I knew you'd get a new chair. And I knew you'd think that was clever enough in itself, you'd take the top one in the stack."
"Questionable use of time."
"Hey. I've improved, right? Your ass isn't on the ground."
"You deserve a standing ovation. Too bad I've been ordered to sit." He eyed her then gave her shoulder a testing tap.
"Seeing if my chair wobbles?" Shepard chuckled. "It's only your chair."
They listened to James's rundown for a few minutes.
"I can't believe you ordered me," Kaidan said under his breath and clicked his tongue. "Fraternization and folding chairs. Knew it was a bad combo the first time."
"Anyone even listening?" James sighed.
"Sorry, Vega." Shepard cleared her throat and refocused. "Continue. Alenko, will be paying attention too." She patted Kaidan's shoulder with a heavy hand. His chair wobbled with each word. "That -was - so - dis - re - spect - full."
"Dammit," Kaidan hissed through his teeth.
Garrus turned to Tali. "Humans are so odd."
XXX
"Joker!" Shepard raised a gin and tonic his direction. Strobe lights filtered through the crystal tumbler in her hand as she came down the stairs.
"Hey, Commander."
Purgatory pulsed around them. Shepard had to raise her voice to be heard over the base.
"Can I sit here?"
"What?" Joker leaned forward.
"Can I … Nevermind." Shepard flopped down next to him on the velvet couch. Beside each other now, she could be heard without screaming. "How's it going, Joker? Where's EDI?"
Joker nodded toward the dance floor. Pink lights flared through the curling mist and jigrating bodies.
"Someone hitting on your girl?" Shepard squinted. "Looks like a big guy."
"That shadow doesn't ring any bells? Only lumbered behind you with a rifle the last few months."
"James?" Shepard chuckled. "Didn't lose EDI in a bet, did you?"
"Uh, don't exactly own her title and registration to pawn for chips, Commander. My hot, sexy robot girlfriend who speaks dirty ship navigation protocol - think I'd trade that?"
"You do seem pretty smitten." Shepard sipped her drink.
"What about you?" Joker glanced around them. "You lose yours in a bet?"
"My hot, sexy robot girlfriend? Must have, 'cause I don't have one."
"Your hot, sexy robot boyfriend."
"Robot, huh? Considering your tastes, not sure that's an insult or a compliment."
"Eh, you know." Joker shrugged. "Kaidan's all right, I guess. Stick up his ass is more a willow branch lately. That's good."
Shepard grinned and put her glass on the table. "You've come to terms with it, I take it?"
"What? You and Kaidan?" Joker avoided her eye and adjusted his cap. "Yeah, guess so or whatever. I think he knows Garrus can take his head off with one shot, so …"
"Hola!" James laughed knocking around the chairs and falling onto the couch next to her. "Lola, didn't expect you here."
"Your electronic itinerary indicates the council hearing to still be in session." EDI sat on the armrest by Joker.
"Got out early. Meaning, I left when no one was looking. It's my shore leave. Maybe the last one."
James grinned at Shepard. "You needa unbutton your collar, Lola. Untuck your shirt or somethin'. You got the privates over by the bar standing at attention."
Shepard followed James's eyes. "Ah. Guess navy blues don't meet dress code for a Purgatory rave."
"A rave is an organized dance party," EDI said. "What is meant by 'organized' is ambiguous. This dancing, though organized by location within the club, is by other definitions unorganized. Seventy-two minutes of observation has not yielded a predictable pattern. Inebriation is frequently a confounding factor in data acquisition. It randomizes action choices."
"Don't even bother, EDI." Joker motioned at the dance floor. "Consider it a step below ballet, step above closing time."
"By closing time, you assume a positive correlation between compounding ethanol exposure and deterioration in dance skill. From review of previous data points, this seems probable."
"We're the only people in Purgatory discussing datapoints and ballet." James put his arm on the back of the couch.
"What do you want to talk about, James?" Shepard said. "Girls, poker, and assault rifles?"
"Ha ha. Yeah, Lola, sounds 'bout right. What about her? That blonde chica by the bar? Caliente. She's either checking me out or the hot robot babe."
"You see anyone not staring at the hot robot babe?" Joker asked.
"Ooh, look over there, Lola. The privates are beating it to the door. Scared 'em off." James laughed, He craned his neck getting a better angle on the bar and presumably the blonde. "Whoo. Look at them piernas."
Joker strained to see. "Am I looking up or down?"
"Piernas means legs, Jeff."
"Go talk to her, James." Shepard settled deeper into the couch. "Afraid to be shot down by someone actually ogling EDI's piernas?"
"Pah. Lola, you just - Yo! What do we have here? Hala!"
"That another blonde sitting down by her?" Joker asked.
"Ay caramba!" James shot to his feet. "Twins! I love twins."
"Uh, one of them's evil," Joker said.
"Hope they both are." James rubbed his hands. "Adios. Holy damn! Twins. Always dreamed about having twins."
James sauntered to the bar. The girls followed him with their eyes, lips curving up, and whispering. James made a sign to the bartender and leaned on the bar. Whatever he said made the girls laugh.
Joker smirked at Shepard. "Guess we know what James was thinking when he saw your clone."
"The breeding advantage is unclear," EDI said. "Unless genetically superior, the procreational opportunity of identical twins is redundant. Selecting two dissimilar sexual partners would provide a wider selection of traits and maximize success of at least one offspring surpassing its competition."
"EDI," Shepard pointed at her, "those are my thoughts exactly. Tell James this next time he's around."
"I should tell him now. Practical application can be most immediate at this point."
Joker grabbed her arm. "I don't think procreation's the goal here, EDI."
"Theoretically, every organic operates in a manner to maximize lifetime reproductive success."
"That organic doesn't. Trust me."
"Very well, Jeff. Perhaps to maximize your own reproductive success, you are limiting your competition by inhibiting me educating another human male."
"I'm dating a robot, EDI."
"This does contradict theories on the underlying motive in organic behavior patterns."
"Look, I don't want babies, I'm in lo- Well, look over there. People are still dancing." Joker scratched the back of his head and cast Shepard a twitchy sideways glance. He fidgeted with his beer bottle. "So, uh, where is Kaidan or whatever? You never said."
"Kaidan or whatever?" Shepard rested her feet on the table in front of them. "Not exactly his scene."
"Right. Lights and stuff. It makes him go all wash-cloth-on-the-forehead?"
"Little bit more serious than that, but yeah."
"While serving on the Normandy, Major Alenko's vital signs have shown significant improvement from baseline. Though a retrospective comparator is unavailable, improvement in vital signs is likely to indicate decreased frequency of migraine exacerbations."
"Let's not talk about Major Alenko's vital signs," Joker said. "Little too many ways that could veer into awkward."
"Jeff is satisfied with Major Alenko's conduct toward you. We have discussed it on several occasions."
"Uh …" Joker crossed and uncrossed his arms sloshing beer in his bottle. "Don't need to repeat that stuff, EDI. But, yeah, sure, fine. Like I said, glad you guys … you know, whatever. Made up."
EDI focused on Shepard. "Your oxytocin levels have been averaging several standard deviations higher than expected for non stressful conditions. As you are under a level of stress certain to impact mental coping abilities, this is an exceptional finding. It indicates comfort through intense attachment and emotional bonding."
Shepard shifted. She sneaked a glance at Joker. He looked stubbornly up at the strobe lights and rolled his beer around the bottom of the bottle.
Shepard cleared her throat. "Well, glad to know my oxytocin's exceptional."
"Your endorphins also indicate-"
"So, uh, look there," Joker said in a rush. "James is gone. And the twins. Bad breeding choices, am I right?"
EDI's head rotated to the bar and back. "From vocal reaction and eye contact readings, I have concluded discussing breeding habits is only welcome when the crowd is inebriated. It also seems discussing hormone levels may cause discomfort."
"Nah, EDI, it's cool. It's just ..." Joker hesitated then sighed. "You know, I'll just say it. I'm glad he's making you happy. You deserve that. I mean, we all do, but you really do. And Kaidan … Guess he pulled it together. You two seem happy. Good for you, Commander. Sorry about the stuff I said. Earlier. That STAT flight report or whatever."
Shepard's smile pulled into her cheeks. "I'm glad for you too, Joker. And you, EDI. You might not have oxytocin levels, but I know you care for Jeff. Glad we can all find a little bit of happiness before … well, for now."
"Yeah." Joker scratched under his baseball cap then looked around. "Another beer? Or five?"
"Let's prove some of EDI's observational correlations correct." Shepard motioned to the waiter. "Five you say?"
