Chapter 15: A Life of Regrets
A/N: I know many of us are trying to get through this Covid-19 thing. I hope you find this entertaining and just remember...I have an entire story after this one, so don't give up hope!
As the weeks passed, it seemed like their home life had settled into a routine, although Cuddy could feel House's uneasiness. She couldn't tell if it was the domesticity of his new life or the dwindling days before he was to become a father of two. He often paced the floor and performed small acts of rebellion to his new life. One night, instead of heading home for dinner, he went straight to a bar and stayed long after Rachel had gone to bed. Cuddy couldn't reach him and he never responded.
After knowing him so long she had developed something of a sixth sense about his upcoming rebellions. It was like a parent with a child when things seem to perfect and quiet, you know something is about to go down. She knew to expect moments like these, not that it made them any easier. Rachel took them in stride most days. House and Rachel's relationship had grown and seemed to be losing some of its novelty. That also was to be expected and oddly enough gave her solace. It is easy to be entranced in the novelty of a relationship or situation and romanticize it. It was something else to be as loyal to it after that novelty fades.
Cuddy still had yet to lighten up on her work. There was always more to do. Whether it is to prepare Foreman, make up for lost donors, or special meetings to ensure the continued health of the hospital. Her workload as Dean of Medicine was heavy and while Foreman took a large chunk of responsibly from her, things seemed to grow from nowhere. She had time for all those little things she had wanted to do for years but which had simply fallen to the wayside.
Most nights of the week she came home to House and Rachel halfway through eating. Other nights, when she did make it home, dinner fell upon her to make. House seemed irritated more and more by her "lack of respect for her health." Her body and mind were used to working this hard for weeks at a time. It's not like hours like these were rare for her. She didn't feel the pregnancy should hold her back from her usual routine. It wasn't any more stress than she was used to. They finally worked out a deal that she would take her blood pressure a couple times a day. A few instances she found it was higher than desired but nothing to cause too much panic.
The fundraising gala was approaching at the end of the week. It always included a lot of planning and coordination. Foreman was making the process much easier than past years, but he still had a lot to learn about preparing one.
-Huddy-
Wilson found Cuddy sitting alone at a lunch table. She was halfway through a salad with an oatmeal cookie for dessert.
"Eating alone today?" Wilson asked taking a seat opposite her.
"Yeah, House is at Nolan's this afternoon."
There was something in her tone. "What did he do now?"
"Oh, nothing." Wilson gave her an unbelieving gaze. "Instead of moving forward with crazy procedures he has been sending one of his fellows for every band-aid they apply."
"Are you sure you're feeling okay? You're mad that he's asking permission for too much?"
She put down her fork. "It's not that. He's sending them to check up on me. He's convinced that I'm overworking myself."
Wilson broke eye contact, suddenly finding his lunch very interesting. Damn it not him too.
"I'm not! My body is used to this workload."
"I didn't say a word." Wilson defended, not meeting her eyes. "Have you two picked any names out?"
"House hasn't picked out any, as far as I know. Any time I bring it up he distracts from the conversation."
"Okay then, what names do you have in mind?"
"I want a Jewish name. I was thinking David, Isaac, or my favorite Benjamin." Her eyes were a glow. "Benjamin was my favorite Uncle's name. He was a bit of a maverick compared to the rest of the Cuddys. He was the baby of the group."
"Sounds like the perfect name for House's kid."
-Huddy-
House had continued his sessions with Nolan because of the desperate request from Cuddy. With everything going on at home and with the pregnancy, his anxiety had him drained most of the time. As the weeks continued it got more and more difficult to find the energy to want to go back.
"You seem to be watching Rachel a lot lately."
"Cuddy stays late pretty often." House stood looking out the window, with his back to Nolan.
It was something Nolan found House doing when he sought a relaxing escape. He may still not want to be there but he was easier to talk to in times like these.
"What do you think about that?"
"That she is pushing herself more than ever to keep control over her domain and is soon going to find her breaking point."
"How does that play out in your mind?"
House's head fell. "It's not my mind that keeps me up at night."
"Have you not been sleeping? Are you having dreams or flashbacks?"
"Dreams mostly, they're so real. I can feel her hot tears on my shirt and smell the sterile smell of the hospital."
"What happens in the dreams?"
"She loses the fetus. Either she has a wreck or miscarries, or complications happen that she wrote off too long."
"Have you told her about them?" Nolan softly inquired.
"No! What good will it do? She doesn't listen to me now. It won't do any good spouting off anxiety-fueled dreams."
They would return to this later in the session but as for now, House had reached his limit.
-Huddy-
That night House woke up in a cold sweat from another of his regular nightmares. After the contents of the dream, the worst part was jerking awake which caused spasms through his leg. He sat on the edge of the bed and gathered his composure, rubbing his spazzing remainder of muscle. He forced his rapid breath to slow and his mind to reorientate to the world around him.
'If you can't tell her, tell your child your hopes or your fears. It might not understand you but voicing them will help.' He remembered Nolan advising earlier. This is stupid.
Laying beside her he began to speak and soon placed his hand on the growing abdomen. It wasn't something he made a habit of doing, touching the growing bump. It was a rush of reality that made him wish he could run again.
"This is stupid." he began to whisper. "You better be healthy when you come out of there. I wish you could keep your mother in check. Make her nauseous or something." His thoughts continued until he was back asleep with his hand still resting on her bump. As stupid as he felt, it did help.
-Huddy-
It was finally the night of the Gala and Cuddy was not feeling up for the night's festivities. It had been a long last couple weeks and after that morning she was ready to get back home to her family. She awoke to find him spooning her with his long fingers stretched over her swollen abdomen. She had longed for that moment since the moment she found out. That closeness with the father of the child she carried, with the man she loved. For now, she was sentenced to a night of schmoozing donors.
"Are you feeling alright?" Wilson asked
"I'm fine! Don't tell me House told you to keep an eye on me."
"Of course he would never ask. But you looked distracted."
"I'm ready to get home, I have a bit of a headache."
This prompted an alarmed look from Wilson. Cuddy rolled her eyes and waved off his concern.
"Not you too. I'm fine! Pregnancy doesn't make me an invalid."
-Huddy-
Cuddy left just an hour before and Rachel was playing mightly before it was finally time for bed. She was wearing a pair of pink pajamas as she fed and rocked her baby doll.
"Dad, can you show me how to wrap it?" She asked holding the doll out to him.
It was something they had gone over. A baby is in a tight place in its mother's tummy so when it's first born, you wrap it up tight so it feels safe. He took the doll, not parting his eyes from the TV screen and wrapped it tightly. It wasn't that he didn't want to be there but tonight he could have really used some time away, a breather.
Rachel hounded him with questions since the moment her mother left for the gala. He was thankful not to be dragged to that tonight. Cuddy may want to run herself ragged but he always valued a night of relaxation.
After several seasons they were finally going to find out who Jessica had cheated with on Tom when Rachel screamed with excitement.
"Did you see that? It did a perfect flip!"
There was no rewinding live TV on Cuddy's low tech system. He missed it!
"Rachel! Stop screaming! You're supposed to be winding down for bed."
Her little eyes widened at his chastisement. Rarely did he yell at her, instead she got instructional jesting. Then his cell phone rang.
"Yep," House answered, it was Wilson.
"It's about Cuddy. I had to take her to the Emergency Room-"
That's the last House heard before he was stricken with panic. He had to get there, she had to be okay.
"Rachel get your shoes on!"
When she turned to look she saw the fear on his face.
"What? Why? Where are we going? Isn't it bedtime?-"
"Do what I said!" his eyes mean and his posture tense.
With tears running down her face, he scooped her up with a pair of shoes and rushed out the door to the car. He hoped this would soon be another dream that he would wake up from.
A/N: I know some of you may be super pissed, just hold on! Troubles and trials overcome, prove to strengthen people, couples, and families. I hate a sad ending as much as any of you! we still have a way to go!
