"It's only in my mind

Not in real life

No, I must be dreaming…"

October 11th

This is the first time I've been willing to write for nearly a week. I've been through hell, and something tells me this is only the beginning. I don't want to record this, but I have no choice. It's as if there's a voice in my head that begs me to tell everything, exactly how it happens. I don't know. Maybe there's a small part of me that hopes—beyond all hope—that somehow, someone will read this, and save anyone else from sharing the same fate.

The evening after I wrote my last entry, someone else came to visit. He didn't introduce himself. He didn't even speak to me. He walked in my room, surveyed it critically, then motioned his guards to escort me out. We followed him for a long ways, down a staircase, and across another long hall before he stopped at a door. He pulled back his hood then, and I recognized Aro's brother, Caius. He unlocked the door, leading me inside with exaggerated courtesy. I was surrounded by complete darkness.

"Well?" he said, gesturing around. "Do you like it?"

I raised my eyebrows. There was nothing to see. "It's… great," I mumbled.

"Oops!" he said, laughing suddenly. "I must have forgotten the lights! How silly of me." He reached past me. Strong, electric light flooded the room, and I froze. .

Whips—four of them, to be exact—hung off to my left, each varying in size and thickness. The largest had bits of glass or metal tied in its strips, while the smallest looked like a morbid toy for children. Past these was a crude desk, with several boxes of candles on top, and plenty of matches off to the side. In growing horror, my eyes followed the whole width of the room: knives, daggers, curved instruments, chains, leather straps, handcuffs—he had everything.

A breath of air passed me, and I looked up to see Caius. His face was positively demonic. "Welcome to hell," he whispered.

I turned, running for the exit, but four hands caught me, dragging me back. I kicked and writhed, fighting back wildly, but it was useless. Felix slapped me soundly, halting my movements, and I felt my wrist being enclosed in an iron cuff. A gigantic vampire, probably Felix's brother, fixed my other hand. They stepped away, allowing Caius to come closer.

"Very nice," he said approvingly. "Wonderful stamina." I kicked at his stomach, which he avoided easily. "Although I think we need a few more restraints… Santiago?"

"Master?" rumbled the giant.

"The other pair, please."

My feet were speedily manacled. I was entirely helpless. That being said, I did the one thing I could. I spat at his feet. Caius regarded the stain with amusement. "What a defense," he mocked. "Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get started."

"Oh, by all means!" I snapped. Anger, I realized, hid your fear. "I'm just dying to see all your pretty toys!"

"Not yet," he said calmly, casting his eye about the room. "Death only visits the weak."

I shut my mouth.

Caius waved to the two vampires, and they left us. Striding across the room, he fingered the whips, finally going for the smallest one. "Easy does it," he sang to himself. He stretched it out a little, tightening the round nub, then walked back towards me. He looked up and down my body, as if wondering where to start.

"Can I ask a favor?" I said quickly.

He smiled. "I don't give favors, but go ahead."

"Blindfold me. Before you start."

He leaned forward, touching the cold handle to my cheek. "Interesting," he said softly. "But, unfortunately, my policy stands. No favors."

He stood back, lifting his arm, and the thin straps lashed across my face. I closed my eyes, biting my lip 'til it bled. The pain burned, settling for a dull throb until he struck me again. I could taste the blood in my mouth. It ran down in rivulets, masking my face. I spit repeatedly, but my mouth soon filled again.

"Open your eyes!" he demanded. "Open your eyes, d— you!"

I opened them, and the whip bore down again, only this time on my arms. It stung terribly, as did my cheeks and forehead.

"Felix!" Caius snarled. I felt a fumbling at my feet, and a sharp tear as my jeans were cut away. Only a thin line of material remained, baring my skin. Caius laughed, and the blood ran down my legs, too. He continued in this way, lashing different areas systematically, until the stones at my feet were seeped in red.

"Release her," he said softly. "That will do for today."

My cuffs were unlocked, and I fell to the floor, weak from loss of blood. The smell burnt my nostrils, strong and coppery-sweet. I was dragged to my feet. Caius, I saw, was cleaning his whip, wiping the stains with careful gestures. As we passed him, he stopped us.

"One moment," he said. I was jerked to my left, coming face-to-face with a gilt, full-length mirror. It was only a second before I turned away.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Caius purred. "Does it not suit you?"

"Take it away," I moaned. "Just take it away."

But they didn't. Felix held my face, bruising my jaw, until the reflection was burnt into my mind. I cried silently, watching the tears make trails in the mess. I used to think the worst image was seeing your parents dead, their poor limbs broken. I was wrong. There was no blood from the crash. No blood… nothing. Just their bodies lying there, reflected in my horrified eyes…

"Take Aster to her room," Caius was saying cheerfully. He patted my shoulder. I flinched, and he laughed again. The two guards were laughing, too. They didn't stop, all the way to my room, where they left me to open it myself with numb fingers. I stepped inside, and saw Renata. She was perched on the edge of the bed, and rose quickly at my entrance.

"Hello, Renata," I said softly, before blacking out.

Later…

I had to pause there, partly from my own horror, and partly because Heidi came to give me clean clothes. She didn't say anything. Just dropped them on my bed and walked out.

So… I saw Renata. And fainted. I'd never fainted in my life. Not even when I got flu shots and all that. I never needed blood drawn, so why worry there, either? I was a healthy, strong girl. That's the key word. "Was." It's debatable now. But I fainted all the same. When I came to, Renata was there, dabbing at my face. I looked at her wearily, and realized she'd removed her cloak, and was using it to clean my injuries. A basin of water sat beside her.

"Heidi brought it," she told me, seeing I was awake. Then she fell quiet again. The cool water soothed my face, washing the crust from my hair. Sometimes it stung, but she didn't stop, not until every drop of blood was washed away.

"Now that looks better," she said, sighing with relief. "I almost had a stroke when you came in."

"Vampires have strokes?" I joked feebly.

"It's a figure of speech, dear." She helped me to my feet, and together we found some new clothes, giving my torn, bloody ones to Heidi when she came with fresh water.

"Grazie, Heidi," Renata murmured. She closed the door, then came back to help me. I winced as I pulled on new jeans. My flesh was still remarkably tender.

"Renata?" I asked.

"Yes?"

"Will I have scars?"

Her red eyes were sad. "I wouldn't worry about scars, Aster. But no, these are just minor gashes. Painful, but not long-lasting." She smiled at me. "Like a paper cut."

I didn't smile back. "How can you bear it?" I whispered. "How can you stand it, being with him?"

She sighed. "Caius is not my master."

"You know who I mean. Aro suggested this, didn't he?"

"I can't tell you that, Aster."

"You can't tell me anything!" I slammed the closet door, ignoring the pain that shot down my arm.

"I try, you know," she said softly. "I really do try."

"I'm not a plaything, Renata. They can't just batter me about, doing as they please."

She nodded. "No... you're right."

"Exactly! Can't you tell Aro that?"

"That's not what I meant," she whispered. "You are just a plaything, Aster. They can play with you, and they will."