DAMN. I guess, I'm going to do more cliffies in the future. Muhaha.

Before you begin, please read the Authors Note from March 6th. I updated it with a mini family tree. I realized from some reviews that Ana's family tree and religious background seemed confusing.

Okay, this chapter was... heavy to write. I struggled with writing about Ana's trauma because I felt conflicted. What I am writing about is something that actually happened to my cousin, except she was married to this monster who violated her. It is a reality, I've heard of and in some cases seen the after effects of in my family and community. It stems from this bizarre and animalistic view of ownership. This is still not the full story of what Ana went through, there is so much more about her relationship with Vishaal that will come out and it will be gut wrenching but it's a reality that is frankly prevelant in many south asian families, not all to this extreme but a decent percentage, yes.

Growing up, I had this young uncle who would touch me inappropriately. And it would seem very innocent in front of people but I knew what he was doing and I couldn't say anything, I would act normal even though I'd be filled with dread inside. He eventually moved away but when people just simply say "why doesn't she say anything"... I know just how freaking scary it feels. So silence becomes your best friend.

Trigger warning. themes of rape, suicide and severe depression.

I will understand if you all absolutely hate me after this chapter. I am very conflicted myself but I promise you that Ana will find her happy ending.


Chapter 15 – My little star in the sky.

Wednesday, December 11th,2019.

"I understand. Would you like some wine?" I ask. "Oh god, yes please, I'm going to definitely need wine..." Kate says. I pour her a glass and carry the bottle with the cheese board to the couches to begin.

"First thing's first, and I'm just going to dive in because... well... the anniversary of Ray's death and the accident is coming up on December 26th. Her mood is going to fluctuate a lot and holidays are difficult for her, she herself won't be fully aware of it but you will notice it. Her going quiet all of a sudden, or her music choices getting very dark, even her singing voice gets dark. I have a playlist that I use to keep track of problem songs that have her spiral. The music is gut wrenching and when you listen to it you'll know why. Should you ever catch her listening or singing it, you need to quickly get her out of that mindset. Distract her in whatever you can."

She proceeds to tell me the nature of Ana's accident; it was a multiple car collision on the main highway and it took almost two hours for emergency services to pull Ana and Ray out from the wreckage of multiple cars. Ana lost a lot of blood and arrested 3 times on her way to the hospital. Cause of accident was rain and ice, resulting in loss of control for a delivery truck in front of them, which caused the multiple car collision.

Kate and Nita are listed as the two people to make healthcare decisions on Ana's medical power of attorney. This became necessary at college when Ana would have one of her trance episodes and Nita was too far away to get to WSU in time. Kate has been making 90% of healthcare decisions for Ana since her second year of college.

"She can sometimes go into a trance and there is no way of us figuring out how it happens. I can now identify it as soon as it happens, it's a weird blink in her eye and I can tell she's gone. There have been two instances where she's made two suicide attempts in that state. She has no memory of them but I've witnessed it and it's fucking scary. They happened early on in our friendship.

I met her in one of these on campus lectures her first week there for an author who was visiting, I happened to be sitting next to her and noticed she was shivering and she was so scared like a child. It was a huge lecture hall filled with people to the max and I guess she was overwhelmed. I started talking to her and she started to smile a bit. But Christian, she looked so... gaunt and small and... it was...anyway... I took her out for coffee, she was trying her best to walk normally but I could see the pain in her face. After we talked some more, I just straight up asked her and she immediately broke down and told me she'd been raped. She hadn't told anyone and I was the first person she told. I just hugged her and took her back to my apartment."

She stops for a few seconds. "I had an extra bed and I helped give her a bath and Christian..." She sobs. "What I saw... I can't describe... the marks on her body... there were welts on her back and what looked like rope burns on her elbows and knees. It was...she was on a steady diet of advil and liquids and maybe a yogurt here and there because she couldn't eat solid foods because...it hurt for her to go to the bathroom. She hadn't eaten in days. Do you understand what I'm saying?" She looks to me, eyes pleading and I slowly nod but the image of what I have now come to learn makes me wince. I feel my body stiffen with anger.

"I took her to my gynaecologist and we got her started on medication and got her blood work done and I signed her up with a therapist. Even though I hadn't gone through what she went through... it made me sign up for therapy again myself." She takes a shuddering breath.

That motherfucker. He... violated her in the worst way. I immediately get up and start pacing the room.

"I'm sorry Christian. If this is too much... I can stop."

"No. I need to know this. I can handle it. Tell me, everything. Do not leave anything out." My voice is strained and it's taking everything in me to not go to India and murder fucking piece of shit. She nods and wipes her tears and takes a steadying breath.

"I wasn't in the market for a roommate, my dad got me the place so finances weren't a problem but it just made sense that she live with me. Even though I had only known her for a few hours, I couldn't stand the thought of her being alone, ever. That's how our friendship began. The next day, a couple of my friends and I went to her dorm room and brought over her stuff, which wasn't much. I slept with her every night for 2 weeks. She would wake up screaming and crying. It was... difficult but she slowly started to get better. I slowly started to see flashes of the real Ana. She was funny and full of sass... but it took a long time for her to really come out of her shell...

Once when Kiran and Vishaal came to visit on business, they were trying to acquire one of the hotels in Portland, we went out to dinner and I could feel Ana slipping away towards the end. We said goodbye to them. They went up to their rooms and we exited the hotel restaurant but she walked into oncoming traffic. It was the scariest thing Christian. She just kept walking, like she wanted to just give up on life.

Another time, we were on the roof of our apartment building after finals during the spring semester and we had some friends over, I randomly looked over and she was standing by the edge looking down with the most vacant stare. I don't know what triggered it but it was fucking scary."

Kate starts to sob again. I sit back down next to her and put my hand on her shoulder.

"How does she come out of these trances?" I ask, barely able to get the words out.

"There are series of things I can do to get her out of the trance, and most of them have to do with Ray. Like asking her if she wants pancakes. Also, if she ever orders pancakes outside of breakfast time that means she's overwhelmed and something is about to happen or has already happened. Do you remember the way her voice sounded when she sung that Hindi song in the car up to Carmel? Watch out for that voice, that is the beginning of something going down in her brain."

I silently nod.

"In the event she goes into a trance, your first phone call has to be me, not 911. Any pain, absolutely anything where you feel like you don't know what to do, call me or Elliot. I will walk you through it. I am also going to email you a copy of her medical file along with the police report of her accident to you and Grace to have just in case." She starts to fidget with her phone and I get a ping and it's a copy of Ana's file. "She also hasn't been to therapy in the last 4 months, she couldn't afford it. I tried paying for sessions but she didn't let me so that's another issue. She's fucking stubborn that way. Hopefully now that the wedding is over, she can go back to spending money on herself."

I need to fucking call Flynn. I need to set her up with him. This is a fucking disaster.

"I know I can be a royal bitch when it comes to Ana, threatening everyone because truth is, I honestly would kill for her. She means too much to me. I never had a great relationship with my own mother and she when she died 4 months after being diagnosed with cancer, Ana was there every step of the way. She rubbed my back, did my assignments, sang me to sleep and she healed me. I'll be damned if I let anyone hurt her. I know what you both feel for each other and I'm so happy that you've found each other but if this seems like a lot for you to handle, you need to tell me now. And you need to tell Ana to her face. Don't abandon her like Carla, her biological father or Ray, I know Ray was essentially taken, it was an accident but there's a part of Ana's brain that feels like he left her, it's irrational. The songs she sings, longing for him, Christian, it's enough to rip your heart out. Remember at the wedding when sang End of the world? Didn't it just rip you to pieces? Music is the extension of who she is. She can be singing something so gut wrenching as she's washing dishes and I call out to her and she's completely normal and has no memory of singing. So you have to keep track of that.

I realize it can feel burdensome given how you guys are still new and you should be discovering all this amazing stuff about each other rather than keeping an eye on how's she's constantly feeling and what each song means but that's how her brain processes her emotions and her thoughts. It's beautiful and sometimes fucking terrifying. And these are only songs in English. I can't keep track of the Hindi ones, she listens to some really heavy shit and when she sings I can tell its bad but I don't know the language so I'm at bit of a disadvantage on that front."

Kate starts to cry again. She's so utterly devoted to Ana... It's taking all off my self-control to not lose my shit.

"Anytime she'd be in San Francisco, I'd be in on pins and needles the entire time, because she wasn't in front of me and possibly in the sights of that creep Vishaal. So I've devised a system where I text her every 2 hours and make her send me voice recordings in return. It'll be the most random shit just to get a reaction out of her and I'll know she's fine and I could check the tone of her voice."

"Kate, where the fuck where Nita and Nani and when she was raped and after? Did they not notice her in pain? Is that entire family fucking blind? It astounds me. It makes me want to..."

"From what I remember, it was one of those freak weekends where everyone was away. I know Nita and her sister were in LA to shop for Indian clothes and were coming back on Sunday and Nani was in New York but scheduled to come back to SF later that weekend as well to help Ana move to WSU with Nita. Kiran and Vishaal, didn't live at home so... she was alone which wasn't all that uncommon since she was fairly recovered and they had a housekeeper... I could be wrong again but I do know that she was completely alone.

And, Christian... Ana puts up a really good and convincing front for them. She will smile and laugh through the pain and fear in front of them. She's even fooled me on occasion. I have seen her act so normal with Vishaal in front of the family that you would never guess there was something amiss. It's only when shit happens to her out of the blue, unexpectedly that she has a extreme physical reaction like her hip pain. Like, in Cabo, she was completely fine because she knew he would be there and she was safe. So she was normal whenever he addressed her in front of everyone. You honestly would never have guessed."

"Why the fuck does she do that? Why doesn't she tell them what the fuck he did?"

"She can't lose them. She is devoted to them. After Ray, they're the only family she's got. Carla is a selfish bitch so she's never going to be an option. For Nani and Nita, she won't risk it, she will not rip that family apart besides... she has no proof. So she'll endure this abuse, that's what it all comes down to. Proof."

I hang my head in my hands, frustrated to the point of breaking. This is unacceptable. I can't... I cant...Kate starts to speak again.

"I use the same texting system for her when she's at GEH everyday; the adjustment period for her in that place was hard. It's your baby but holy hell it can be intimidating especially for someone like Ana. It's only a few weeks before the wedding that she started to find her groove and finally have friends there." She has a small smile on her face.

"Kate, she has the whole fucking place wrapped around her finger. She's completely blind. Yesterday I found all this shit she's responsible for and I can't still wrap my head around it. She saved the company $10 million on a deal, has this cookie initiative that's improved company morale and interdepartmental relationships, the entire facilities staff knows her... I mean... fuck, Kate, where has she been all this time and she has no idea of how amazing she is and what's more is that she was never going to tell any of us, I had to find this all out on my own..."

I ramble on and I look up to Kate smiling with tears in her eyes.

"That's the beauty of who she is. It's so effortless, the way she gives, no second thoughts just... pure love." Kate tears up. "I don't mean to put pressure on you but I need to know that you're in it for the long haul with her, I'm talking the serious shit, marriage and kids cause she dreams of that for herself, with a girl like Ana it's either a yes or no and it's a decision that's immediate, there's no 'we'll see how this goes..." it's all or nothing and she deserves no less so if you have absolutely have any reservations, you need to cut out from her life now so I can deal with the downfall while everything is still new rather than when she's in too deep because every time she goes through a breakdown I feel like I'll fail her and I'll lose her forever. And I can't lose her Christian. Please try and understand. I cannot lose her." She sobs.

I hold her hand and give it a reassuring squeeze.

"I can't bear to lose her either Kate, I can't explain how much she's changed my life in these few days. My life can never be the same without her."A lump form in my throat and it burns.

Marriage? Kids? Am I worthy of that? Do I deserve that? And most importantly, can I give her that? Fuck. Fuckkkkk. Love is for fools, starts to resound loudly in my head but this isn't about me. My entire life has been about myself and my selfish shit. I need to be there for Ana. I need to protect her and love her and show her what how amazing she is.

"She's so happy with you Christian, she beams with a light I've not seen before. I feel like I'm seeing the the real Ana." Kate smiles as she puts her other hand on mine. "When she's with you I don't feel the need to check up on her that much because I know you'll keep her safe. Text me whenever you need some guidance on how to navigate her moods or things you don't understand in regards to her thought process. I've got 4 years of research waiting to see the light of day." She laughs a little. I smile back.

"Thank you Kate, this has been... heavy but necessary... and I know there's so much I need to learn about her and I honestly am willing to spend my entire life learning and doing whatever I can to make her happy. I never wanted to do that for anyone, with her it just comes pouring out. I've laughed so much with her than I have in my entire life. She's given my family back to me in a way I never knew I could have them. Our time at Carmel by the Sea, was a revelation. My relationship with Elliot has grown exponentially because of Ana."

Kate smiles with such adoration. "Elliot said the same. He said he finally got to meet his brother that weekend. He'd been waiting for you. He just so badly wanted to have a bond with you and that's the fucking magic of Ana, she weaves this magic without knowing." She wipes tears off of her cheeks "I mean look at us, she's not even in the fucking room and we're moping around about her like lovesick puppies." We both laugh.

"I'm honestly, emotionally strung out right now so I may be forgetting stuff but I'll email you whatever comes to mind and you can file it in your Ana folder!" Kate gives me a small smile.

"There is one last thing, and I'm just going to put it out there and I don't need you to confirm or deny anything but I want you to be careful. There is a rumor of a list going around of some insane BDSM lifestyle of the richest men in USA, your name has been linked to it. They are working on an expose of sorts with some credible sources, that's all I know. I can't get any more concrete information on it because ever since my relationship with Elliot became known anything related to the 'Grey' name is off limits to me, under the Kavanagh Media portfolio. Chinese wall and all that bullshit. Again I'm not looking for any confirmation and this is between you and me, I would never tell Elliot something like this, so never worry on that front. It's your life but in terms of Ana, if there is anything that can remotely affect her, she needs to know about it. You know absolutely everything about her; she deserves the same kind of transparency. She is my only concern in all this. I hope you can understand. I don't want her to get hurt."

"I understand your concern and thank you for the tip, Kate. I appreciate it more than you know."

Fuck, I'm screwed.

I walk Kate down to the garage and see her off. I feel a storm brewing within me. I need to see Ana but she's busy and I can't bombard her, she has her life and I need to respect that. I head back upstairs and meet with Taylor to have a conference call with Welch to discuss this new info Kate shared. We need to figure out who's talking and how to kill this expose before its too late.

"Welch, I need something on Kapadia and I need it yesterday."

"Sir, I assure you, it is my top priority."

"Just get it done." I say and hang up.

I check Kate's email with the police and medical report and link to her Ana's grief playlist she's compiled. Going through her reports is gut wrenching, I feel the tears fall from eyes. Their car collided with an 18-wheeler and it caused a 10 car collision. Ray was pronounced dead on the scene. Ana barely held on. She went through all that excruciating pain and was almost lost to the world. I so badly want to fix everything, I feel like a failure. All this money and success and I can't do a fucking thing to take her pain away.

I follow the playlist on Spotify and press play as the music starts to breathe in through the sound system in the office. I have a feeling I will regret this but I need to see and feel her grief too in whatever small I can to understand her more. I pour myself a brandy and take my seat by the floor to ceiling window in the office and I stare out into the city.

The first song starts and it's so fucking heartbreaking. Is this how she really feels sometimes? God. How does she function? She's got so much love in her and she's carrying around all this sadness.

I'm so tired
Where can I lay my head?
I'll just close my eyes
Hope I wake up dead
I don't want to live without you
Don't leave me out here to die
Don't leave me out here to die

When I first saw her. I would have never imagined all this. I would have never imagined all this pain and sadness in her. She has only given everyone love. How could he want to hurt her? What kind of a monster... Look in the mirror, Grey. Is there any real difference between you and Vishaal? I blink a couple times trying to find some focus. I stare out the window and I start to listen to the lyrics... the song has changed. I stare Ferris wheel down below. My mind goes back to her bathed in golden hour light, smiling and laughing... looking at me with her beautiful blue eyes with love and trust.

The hospital asked should the body be cast
Before I say goodbye, my star in the sky
Such a funny thought to wrap you up in cloth
Do you find it all right, my dragonfly?

Shall we look at the moon, my little loon
Why do you cry?
Make the most of your life, while it is rife
While it is light

Well you do enough talk
My little hawk, why do you cry?
Tell me what did you learn from the Tillamook burn?
Or the Fourth of July?
We're all gonna die

I wonder about the girl who wanted to visit Italy. The little girl laughing on her father's shoulders. She almost left this world but by some miracle held on and for what... for people to continuously take from her. I am one of them. I am only taking from her. I'm just as guilty.

Turn me inside out, turn me upside down
(Oh, it breaks my heart)
Take me home somehow, take me home
(To know I can't go back in time)
Turn me inside out, turn me upside down
(And feel those feelings for forever)
Take me home somehow

I turn off the music. I need to get my shit together and tell her. I need to talk to Flynn again and figure out a way to do this in a way that will not break what we already have. I can't bear to lose her. I just can't. I just found her and there is still so much I want to discover with her. I can't imagine my life without her. It would be a pitiful existence and it wouldn't be worth it.

CG: John, I need a session. What's the earliest you can do?

Flynn: I have a full day tomorrow, 6pm is the earlier I can do.

CG: That works. Thanks.

Flynn: See you tomorrow.

I try to recover from everything Kate told me, and the music. I go through pictures and videos of us from the wedding and our outing at Carmel by the Sea. She really is life itself. She's a miracle and I have the honor of having her in my life and I cannot fuck this up. I play a video that Mia took of Ana and I laughing as Elliot said ridiculous things to get Ana to laugh as Kate took pictures. Her laughter lights up everything. I can remember how her skin felt as I kissed her. I need her. I can't wait to see her again.

I head back to my bedroom to try and sleep and to calm my spiraling mind. It's a little after 10pm and my phone rings. It's a facetime call from Ana.

"Hey sleepyhead, I hope I didn't wake you." She says smiling. I can see she's propped her phone up on her dresser and starts to walk around her room putting things away.

"No you didn't baby, I was just getting ready for bed."

"You sound sad, is everything okay?

"I just missed you. I can't wait to see you on Friday."

She comes back and picks up the phone and walks over to her bed and plops herself on it. "Awww, Mr. Grey, you sure know how to make a girl feel special. I can't wait to see you either. I might just kiss you till my lips fall off."

She giggles and it's like a balm.

"Miss Steele, I'm going to hold you to that. How was your date with Barney?"

"It was good, we found him some good pieces for his wardrobe and I made him an appointment to get his haircut and get a facial. This makeover is going to be amazing, I'm positive some of the GEH ladies are going to drool over him too. He's such a good guy, he just needs some confidence, in fact you should give him some pointers. Teach him some of that Grey charm."

She laughs. She's so thoughtful and kind.

"You're such a good friend. It's inspiring."

"You're so sweet. I love you."

"I love you too. What are you doing right now?"

Ana: "Well aside from talking to my boyfriend, I just finished prepping my clothes for tomorrow then I'm going to knock out" she yawns.

"I wish I could interrupt your plans." I smile.

"You're free to come over." She wiggles her eyebrows and laughs. "I've never made a booty call."

I can't help but laugh, I've missed that smart mouth. "Miss Steele, I thought you were a lady."

"Ehhh, being a lady is overrated." She smirks. "But I can't wait for you to interrupt my plans over the weekend."

"I'm anxiously looking forward to it Miss Steele, sleep baby. Dream of me."

"Always."

"I love you Ana."

"I love you Christian, good night."

Thursday, December 11th, 2019.

CPOV

I started the day with a grueling session with Claude. He knocked me on my ass more times than I could count but I got some of the aggression out. I'm losing control but thankfully it's not to the point where I need a sub session. In fact, I haven't thought about anything remotely submissive related. I feel a tinge of pride at the development.

"Damn Grey, your game is going down the shitter."

"Fuck off Claude, it's been a hard week."

"No excuses, get your shit together, we're going for another round."

He knocks me off on my ass again.

The day drones on, calls, meetings and the reading and signing of endless documents. I miss Ana, I don't hear from her all that much throughout the day. She's busy no doubt with all the shit that's raining down on legal from all sides. I'm tempted to go down there and just take a walk around to see what she's doing but that would be a dick move. I need to let her have her space. I'm trying to follow Flynn's advice.

I text Taylor to let him know that I'll be going to Flynn's for an appointment at 6pm, I'll take the SUV and he can ride with Ana and Sawyer.

I pull up to Flynn's practice close to 6pm and wait in the reception area for him to be done with his appointment.

He welcomes me and we get right down to business.

"How's everything going Christian?" Flynn asks.

"Not so good, I'm teetering on the edge of losing control."

"Okay, explain, what brought these feelings about?"

"Ana's best friend Kate asked to meet with me yesterday evening. She came by and basically gave me a crash course in everything Ana in terms of her mental health. She told me about Ana's rape. John, I..."

I get up and walk trying not to rip the hair off of my head.

"He raped her John, in the worst way... I can't even... he beat her. Restrained her. Welts and rope burns. He raped her completely to the point where she could eat food for days to avoid going to the bathroom. I can't even... HOW THE FUCK CAN HE DO THAT TO A GIRL WHO HE CALLED HIS SISTER? HOW THE FUCK COULD HE DO THAT TO HER. SHE IS PURE AND INNOCENT AND FULL OF LOVE. WHY DID HE HURT HER THAT WAY?" I lost my voice to a sob as I look up trying keep it together.

"Christian, I need you to take a few minutes... breathe. Take a few deep breaths."

I nod and follow his directive. I backwards from 20 a couple of times and try to control myself... and begin to speak again.

"Kate told me she's on Ana's medical power of attorney and has been making 90% of Ana's health related decisions since their first year of college. She tends to go trances John, anything can trigger it and she's made suicidal attempts twice while in that state. She has no memory of it but John, I'm fucking scared... I'm fucking terrified. How can I tell her about my past without possibly triggering something? And to top it off, I'm under pressure, apparently there's an expose in the works about the BDSM lifestyle and the richest men of America who indulge in it. My name is on that fucking list because someone couldn't keep their mouth shut."

"I see." John looks down.

"Christian, would you prefer a couples' session? That way, we're in a safe space and should anything happen she can get the help she needs?"

"I don't know. I think so, I don't want her to feel cornered, I can't even imagine what that will feel like." I breathe.

"Well, we can have Kate wait in reception just in case." He offers.

"I think that can be worked out."

"Is there anything else you're having trouble expressing to her?" He's good. He knows me too well.

"I haven't told her about my birth mother. I can't bring myself to, I can't form the sentences."

"Is that also something you might want to broach as a subject during the couples' session given your need for control does stem from your childhood trauma?"

"I guess. She too has issues of control by the way but the way she deals with it is in the most effortless way. She doesn't control people, she gives them freedom, she just controls herself, she protects herself and is always thinking two steps ahead, she thinks of everything. I can't explain it. She'll kneel in front of people, she'll disarm in a way I've never seen. I can't explain it John, you just have to see it."

"I guess that where the two you of are different, you're aggressive and closed off and she's gentle and open. She's showing you possibilities of the alternative. That's what relationships are Christian, the understanding of what else is possible through the eyes of your partner, you both will unintentionally influence each other, just like how you feel the need to show her affection and the calming effect she has on you and as for her, I can't say, I'm not her therapist so I can't say what effect you have on her but you'll eventually see it. You too will have a positive effect on her. Just give it time."

"I guess, thanks John."

Friday, December 13th, 2019.

"We're going to have to go to Tokyo, Christian. The situation is getting out of hand." Ros is frustrated.

"No, I'll go. You stay with Gwen, she needs you. This is the second time this year they fucking dropped the ball. Ros, I'm going to lose my shit with the Tokyo office when I get there." I'm seething. This fuckup couldn't have happened at a worse time. I need more time with Ana.

"Be my guest, between Gwen and them, it's been a fucking nightmare." Ros pinches the bridge of her nose. "When do you think you'll head out?"

"I'll leave early Sunday evening, I have a family thing I can't get out of and I'll be back by Friday evening at the latest." I tell her.

The morning slowly blends into the afternoon. I'll get to see Ana this evening. The past two days have been hell without her and I've barely slept. With all the new information from Kate, I'm reeling. I need her.

I need a distraction. I decide to make my way down to 16th to check in with Barney and also to kill the time. That's the best thing about that kid, he lets me just walk in and spend time doing random stuff in the lab as I process my own shit and he's great to talk to if need be.

I walk in and have to do a double take, he looks different. Face shaved, hair cut and gelled back a bit, dark chinos and a fitted shirt. He looks like he stepped out of GQ, damn. Ana did good.

"Afternoon, Mr. G... how can I help?"

"I'm just here to kill some time Barney. Carry on."

"Cool, let me know if you need anything." He goes back to his computer or the Mothership as he likes to call it and stares at intently with the 15 or so screens at his disposal.

20 minutes or so pass by and I hear heels running down the hall and Ana swings in to the room.

"I'm SO sorry I'm late, delivery took forever but lunch is finally here." She says out of breath "HOLD UP! Who dis? Damn Barns, you clean up good!" Barney shyly chuckles "Anaaaa don't tease!"

"Oh hell yes I will. You look so good Barns, I'm so proud of you. Emily will jump you the next time she sees you." Ana laughs and throws her head back as she does. She looks so beautiful.

She's simple full sleeve black dress that hits her knees with heels. My body loses control immediately. Her hair is braided and hangs off the side in towards the front of her face. Her makeup is simple as well but I can see but of a smoky eye, she looks like perfection as always.

"God Ana, you're so embarrassing. You're never gonna meet Emily!" Barney warns.

"Whatever, Emily and I will become best-friends, you better watch yourself." She giggles and starts to take out lunch. "So tell me, did she text you after getting the flowers and dog treats? TELL. ME. EVERYTHING!" Ana pleads.

Barney shyly tells her the details and Ana sets out the lunch and they start eating, Ana opts to remain standing and animatedly teases Barney about his upcoming date with Emily.

"Barns, you're gonna do UH-MAZING. I have all the faith in you. It's great you both have been texting, it takes the edge off and listen, while it's great that you've put in the effort and made strides, all of this is more for you than Emily. It may not work out with her and that's okay but learn what you can from this experience. I don't want you going back to hoodies and cargo pants, I will burn your apartment down." She half scolds and giggles.

"Yes mom" Barney rolls his eyes. "I owe you, Ana, how can I ever repay you?" He smiles at her. "Well, I'll send you a list of things and you can choose what to get me. Careful though, I'm high maintenance so I only like expensive things but since you work here I'm sure you make the big bucks and can afford it." Ana laughs.

I've been watching from across the room and Ana is oblivious to my presence, reminds me of the wedding except, no one ignores me on my turf, I decide to have some fun and walk back to the front of the lab.

"Oh hey Mr. G! Please join us. This is my friend, Ana Steele, from legal that I was telling you about... helping me score a date with Emily!"

Ana's face whips in my direction and her eyes open wide but she quickly recovers and her expression becomes passive.

"Miss Steele, it's a pleasure. Barney has said nothing but wonderful things about you. You're a good friend." I say extending my hand and smile as seductively as I can at her.

She raises an eyebrow and takes my hand, giving me a strong unaffected handshake. Oh she's playing too.

"Thank you Mr. Grey, Barney here is too kind. Would you like to join us? We've ordered Thai for lunch and we have more than enough to share." Ah, Miss Steele the ever the gracious host.

"Yeah Mr. G, join us, this crab ragoon is the bomb!"

I smile. "Thank you for the offer but I don't want to intrude, please carry on. See you on Monday. It was lovely meeting you Miss Steele."

She gives me a small smile and looks away immediately. I turn to exit the room and send her a text.

CG: Meet me in the ladies room on this floor. You have 2 minutes.

Best thing about Barney having his own floor is that it's only him and 2 other male employees, which means the ladies room is always empty.

A few minutes later, Ana walks in, her face is flushed and her breathing changed. I reach behind her and lock the bathroom door.

I pin her to the wall, holding her arms above her head as I flush my body against her, lean in and whisper in her ear "Miss Steele, I've been dying to see you and touch you since you fucked my brains out in my office. It's been extremely difficult to focus."

"Hmm, I didn't know I had the effect on you Mr. Grey." She whispers in my ear and bites my jaw. Fuck, I need her now.

"Miss Steele, that smart mouth of yours is another thing I really missed. Are you still bleeding?" She shakes her head with a smile. "Thank fuck. We both are short on time and while I'd really love to take my time returning the favor I really need this to be hard and fast." She mewls, and nods biting her bottom lip. I kiss her roughly and grind into as she lifts her leg to lock on over to me.

I raise up her dress and look down to check her panties. "I don't think you need these." I rip them and she gasps. I unzip myself and line my cock at her opening "Tell me Miss Steele, do you want me to fuck you?"

She nods silently. " I need to hear you baby."

"Please fuck me, Mr. Grey."

"You wish is my command Miss Steele." I enter her and she moans. "Sshh... not a sound."

She looks to die for right now. I ease into her a few times to get her used to the feeling and then slam into her. A moans escapes her mouth and she bites her lip. I pick up speed and pound into her. I can tell she's close, I kiss her keeping one hand under her the leg that's locked around me while my other hand grabs on to her braid, forcing her face up to me. She's a dream come true right now.

We moan into each other. It doesn't take me long to come and she follows almost instantly.

As we slowly come back to earth, I tip her head back up again and she looks into my eyes, dreamily with a smile on her face. She's completely spent.

"You are a dream come true, Miss Steele." I whisper against her lips and kiss her.

"Mmmm, you're not so bad yourself Mr. Grey." She smiles back with her eyes closed. I quickly zip up and get tissues to help her clean up. She turns into the mirror to check her makeup and hair and fix her dress. But she looks perfect.

I hold her face and kiss her again. "I can't wait to see you tonight."

She smiles back at me "same here, thank you for lunch Mr. Grey." She winks. I smirk and kiss her again.

After Ana and I are done with dinner we sit on the couches and talk some more and catch up. I put my arm around her as she sits and turns into me. I can't help but shower her with kisses as we talk. I can't get everything that Kate told me and her grief playlist out of my mind. I want to give her everything and more. I want to heal her completely and make her forget the pain.

"Mr. Grey, you're awfully affectionate this evening. What have I done to deserve so much of love?" She smiles back up at me with dreamy eyes.

"You're just my biggest dream come true Miss Steele, I want to cherish you forever." I hold her face and brush my thumb across her cheek.

"I think that can be arranged." She giggles.

"Baby, I have to head out Tokyo early Sunday evening."

"Is everything okay there? Mr. Travis mentioned one of factories is on strike."

"Yeah it's that and they fucked up on one of the local acquisition deals. It's the second time they fucked up this year. I'm so done with this shit." I can feel myself get tense.

She kisses me, long and deep. I feel myself calm down a bit. "Try not to kill anyone, I know you're mad at them but don't scream at them too much. You're an old man now, you have to watch your blood pressure." She giggles.

I laugh, "thank you for your vote of confidence Miss Steele, I'll be sure to keep my blood pressure in check."

"I'll miss you terribly. When will you be back?"

"I'll miss you too baby, more than you'll know. I'll try to get back by Friday if not earlier."

"Okay. Not bad, it's kind of like our regular schedule. I don't see you much in the week anyway. I'm just your weekend girlfriend, while you spend the week with your wife aka GEH." She laughs and an uneasy feeling creeps in as the comparison reminds me of the sub lifestyle except she's so much more than that. She's everything. I smile back her and kiss her. "You'll be my all week girlfriend whenever we announce."

"Soon, I just want us to be us for a little while longer... by the way, can we go buy a tree tomorrow and decorate it? I'm feeling a little bit of the holiday spirit unless you decorate a specific way? I don't want to intrude." She asks innocently.

"I'd love that baby, I never really decorate. I'm usually a grump around the holidays anyway."

"I figured. We're going to change that starting now." She laughs and gets up to straddle me. "I love you, you grump!" she kisses me sweetly and we get lost in each other.

I wake up with a jolt. I can't sleep. Ana's back is to me as she sleeps peacefully. All the information from Wednesday is searing through my brain. I'm trying to get a handle on it myself instead of running to Flynn for every little thing. Elliot was right, I need to focus on the future, a path forward. I just don't want to fuck it up. I need to tell her about the playroom before it comes out but what if she leaves. What the fuck will I do then? How do I go back to life without her?

After dinner, I couldn't get enough of her. I wanted to show her how much I loved her and cherished her and I did but it's still not enough. After the fourth time she begged me to stop, laughing deliriously, as I kissed her neck. I smile at the thought. I kiss her temple and get up.

I sit at the piano yet again. Unable to play anything remotely worthy of what Ana means to me. Nothing I play comes close to who she is. I close my eyes and try to play something again when I feel her sit next to me. I look to her and her face is illuminated by the city lights pouring in, her hair swept on to one side cascading over her shoulder. "What's wrong Christian? Tell me. How can I make it better?" She asks with worried eyes as she curls her arms around my bicep and kisses my shoulder.

I love her so much in this moment. I turn to hold her face in my hands and kiss her softly, trying to apologize for the information I will eventually share with her if I can find the courage within me to do so.

I break the kiss and Ana's eyes meet mine again. She put her hand on my cheek and lightly grazes my stubble.

"Can you sing to me?" I ask in a small voice.

She picks up my hand and kisses it. "Only if you play for me." I quietly nod and ask "what song?"

She gives my hand a squeeze and gets up to get her bag from the couch. She pulls out the iPad and walks to me. As she taps her home screen, it illuminates and I see a picture of Ray holding Ana from when she was a child, around 5-6 years old, they are looking at each other, Ana has a pony tail with a ribbon tied around it. The forever, innocent beauty she is.

She does a quick search for sheet music and I remember seeing the name of the song in her music library on spotify but never got the chance to listen to it - the power of love, gabrielle alpin - The Frankie Goes to Hollywood version is the only one I know of. I read through the sheet music and realize this will be different. I lift her up and make her straddle me; I want to be close to her.

"Christian, how will you play, you can't see the iPad or the keys."

"I read through the whole thing, I don't need to see it and I've got all the keys memorized. I just need to be with you. Your rhythm and voice will guide me."

She kisses me sweetly. "Okay, play whenever you're ready."

I start to play and her voice slowly echoes throughout the room as she sweetly sings, I close my eyes with my head low and her thumb lightly traces my bottom lip.

Dreams are like angels
They keep bad at bay
Love is the light
Scaring darkness away
I'm so in love with you
Make love your goal

The power of love
A force from above
Cleaning my soul
Flame on burn desire
Love with tongues of fire
Purge the soul

Make love your goal

She holds my face in both of my hands, and looks into my eyes as she continues to sing, her words feel like a promise and intensity in her voice causes a lump to form in my throat

I'll protect you from the hooded claw
Keep the vampires from your door
When the chips are down I'll be around
With my undying death-defying love for you
Envy will hurt itself
Let yourself be beautiful
Sparkling light, flowers and pearls and pretty girls
Love is like an energy
Rushing in, rushing inside of me

The power of love
A force from above
Cleaning my soul
Flame on burn desire
Love with tongues of fire
Purge the soul
Make love your goal

She then brings her face closer and sings the following against my lips and my body comes alive for her.

This time we go sublime
Lovers entwined divine, divine
Love is danger, love is pleasure
Love is pure, the only treasure
I'm so in love with you
Make love your goal

She looks into my eyes again, running her on hand through my hair and she sings the last chorus with the pain and sadness similar to the wedding and I feel it burn through the entire apartment, echoing and bouncing back to us.

The power of love
A force from above
Cleaning my soul
The power of love
A force from above
A sky scraping dove
Flame on burn desire
Love with tongues of fire
Purge the soul
Make love your goal

Make love your goal

Tears in her eyes, she gives me a soft kiss at the corner of my mouth and I bury my head into her neck. Crushing her to me. She knows how to heal me and make me feel safe and loved. I don't deserve her and I know I'm about to lose her. She'll run from me as soon as she sees the darkness within me.

"I need you now, Ana" I look up at her, my voice is strained but I need to be inside her. I need to lose myself in her and pour all this emotion into our bond.

"I'm yours and I'm here for you." She kisses me. I take her shirt off of her; she's completely naked and ready for me. She takes my shirt off and runs her hand inside my boxes as I lean into her breasts, savoring the contact. I lift her slightly and lower on to me as I slowly fill her, her body arches as she throws her head back, moaning, it honestly sounds like she's singing as it echoes. I could bottle up that sound and listen to it forever.

She tries to move up to establish a rhythm and I wrap my arm around her hips and cup her neck bringing her face down to me. "Don't move baby, just feel me." She lets out a small moan. I grind and thrust into her and she moans with her eyes closed, lips barely touching mine. I kiss her, my tongue invading and taking everything she can give me. I groan into her mouth with each thrust. I let go of her neck and place my thumb against her clit and it makes her throw her head back again, moaning "Christian... ahhh." We're both almost there, I can feel it. I bite her breasts and it lights the fire within her, she can't handle the sensory overload, I can feel her muscles start to clench so I start to really push into her, hard as she grabs my face and moans loudly into my mouth. God I love her, she's exquisite.

I break the kiss and trail my lips down to her neck and bite her hard and she jerks up "fuck, Christian... yes." as she runs her hand through my hair. She's so close. I remove my arm and place both hands on her hips and give her the go ahead to move however she wants. She wastes no time and picks up speed, grinding against me in circles while her tongue mirrors the same movement in my mouth. I can't believe I've lived without this feeling of complete and utter bliss for so long. She's my drug.

I focus my attention on her clit and she orgasms only a few seconds later, clenching me and I thrust into her once more and I lose myself, pouring everything into her, gasping for air against her breasts.

Ana's head is resting on mine as she caresses my face. Our breathing has calmed down and I look up at her.

"It's always so amazing with you baby, where have you been all my life?" I look at her, she feels too good to be true.

"Waiting for you." She says with a smile. "If you think about it, I did most of the work. For god's sake I took job at GEH and your lazy ass took forever." She giggles and I give her a quick kiss. She's so on point. "By the way, I just realized something."

"What baby?"

"I had six orgasms today and I'm still alive." She laughs out loud and I join her... we lose it, delirious almost till there are tears in our eyes.

I wipe the tears from her face, "Ana, I can't ever imagine my life without you now... " I kiss her soft lips. She deepens the kiss and pulls my hair and moans into my mouth.

"Then don't. Just love me and trust me and confide in me. Even in times when things are difficult and Christian they will be, everyone goes through ups and down, just have faith in what we are and what we can be together." She says holding my gaze. I nod back and close my eyes and bury my face in her neck and breathe.

"Let's go to bed Mr. Grey, it's way past our bedtime." She giggles.


Saturday, December 14th, 2019.

CPOV

"The tree needs to speak to me." Ana says in all seriousness. I roll my eyes.

"Did you just roll your eyes at me Mr. Grey?"

"Yes. Please hurry up, it's freezing."

"Tough, you should've worn a real coat." She scolds me and laughs.

We finally find a tree, at one point I thought we'd have to hunting for it in the woods.

On our way back to Escala, Ana's phone beeps, she checks to see and it's a text from Kate.

"Kate and Elliot want to hang out for dinner tonight, I'm going to ask them to come over to Escala instead. Is that okay?" Ana asks.

"Do we have to see them? I want to spend as much time with you before I leave tomorrow..." I know I sound like a whiny child.

"Christian, it will just be for a couple of hours. Come on, it will be fun, we haven't hung out in a while, I miss them too."

"Okay baby, invite them. I'm warning you though; you're not getting any sleep tonight. I need my fill of you."

"God, again? I'm going to have to sign up for cardio classes now to keep up with you." She laughs.

We get back home and I help Ana decorate the tree. I remember when Grace would force us to all get together and do it when were little and I'd hate it but here with Ana, it's everything that I never knew it could be.

Once we're done Ana heads over to the kitchen to prepare dinner even though I told her we could just order in but she insists on making something. I go into the office to get some work done.

...

We're sitting at the dining table talking about what to do over Christmas and again that unfamiliar feeling creeps in. It's not uncomfortable but last year I would have never guessed that I'd be sitting at my dining table with my girlfriend who cooked an amazing meal for my brother and his girlfriend... I missed out on so much. We all gather the dishes and head over to the kitchen and Ana asks us to sit on the bar stools while she gets dessert ready.

"Steele, did you hear about Tiffany and Trevor?" Kate asks.

"No, what happened?" Ana asks as she readies the ramekins for her signature chocopot dessert to bake in the oven.

"One of Trevor's fuck buddies from his past showed up with his child at their front door... and get this, he knew about it and didn't tell Tiff."

Ana looks at Kate and rolls her eyes. "I told you he was shady motherfucker."

"Yeah but..."

"Please tell me Tiffany is going to leave his ass and take everything? I know they've only been married for a few months so she can get out unscathed."

"No, she wants to give it a try."

Elliot and I look at each other, slightly amused.

"Whatever, her life, but if I were her, I'd have him murdered." Ana shrugs and walks to the oven to place the tray of desserts in to bake. She sets the timer and walks back.

"Damn, Steele... what about giving the guy a second chance?" Elliot asks laughing but Ana's not having it.

"Uhhhh, let me lay this out for you, Dearest Elliot. If say, your brother here, knew of an illegitimate child but chose not to disclose that information with me and got me to marry him or even remain in a committed relationship and then said child with his/her mother showed up... you best believe, I would burn the house down with him in it... because, forgiveness is absolute bullshit. It doesn't change what you did. It's just a constant power struggle in the relationship after that because it can never be the same again, you'll always wonder. It's just facilitating that liar's journey to inner peace and you know what... that's not my job. You fucked up... you deal with the consequences cause I'm excluding myself from the narrative. BYE. "she raises her hand and waves, further reiterating her point." Lying is non-negotiable. If Kate had done something like that, would you so easily consider giving her a second chance? I highly doubt it."

Elliot looks at me wide-eyed and I feel my balls shrink to the size of raisins. I have never seen this side to her and I am so in a word... concerned, for my wellbeing.

"I would like to think so." He says with a small voice.

"Hmm, interesting, that very well may be... but I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it is one's responsibility to tell their significant other about elements of their past especially when said elements could have a direct and possibly catastrophic impact on their partners present. Otherwise, it's just lies and betrayal waiting to catch up to you. And that shit, when it rains... ain't cute."

"Okay got it, not going to break Kate's heart ever..." Elliot nods.

"That's right you promiscuous little tart, you hurt my friend and they won't ever find your body." She says with all seriousness and piercing blue eyes, then immediately bursts out laughing with Kate.

It takes Elliot and I both a second to recover from the fear and join. "Yo Dorothy, we better not fuck up this shit."

I am in so much fucking shit.


Sunday, December 15th, 2019.

I barely slept last night. I just lay awake and stared at the ceiling. I need to tell her but not like this. Not when I'm about to leave. I've yelled at 3 different people since this morning. It's not a good time to be my employee. The Tokyo office is a mess, my personal life is about to become a mess...

Ana's baking cookies for her Monday GEH ritual and whole penthouse smells divine. She finally told me about it and I had to act like I didn't know anything. I hear her singing in the kitchen and decide to go see her and find a sense of calm in this brewing storm.

I walk over to the kitchen and placing freshly baked cookies on a cooling tray. She's singing in hindi and she seems a lost and sad.

I put my arms around her and kiss her neck. "Hi, Mr. Grey." She smiles.

"Baby, what are you singing?"

"Oh nothing, it's just this song that came to mind. It talks about how you never get the perfect world."

"What do you mean?"

"It talks about how some people crave a mother's affection, a father's love... or the sight of their beloved... or just simply some peace of mind. That even after all the success, we all have something we're still searching for. You never get the perfect or complete world." She says wistfully.

I'm suddenly floored and it takes me several moments to recover. Kate's words come to mind, distract her.

"I love you." I kiss her cheek.

"I love you too... want to try some cookies?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

She gives me two cookies with a glass of milk and asks if I want lunch. I tell her I'm not all that hungry when in reality... the truth is my stomach is just in knots.

"When do you have to head out?"

"In about 2 hours." I say. It's about 3pm and we're scheduled to fly out of Sea-Tac at 6pm at the latest.

"Do you need help packing?" She asks. "Not help, but I'd like for you to keep me company Miss Steele."

"I think that can be arranged Mr. Grey." She giggles.

It only takes me 15 mins to get done packing and Ana laughs. "Guys are so lucky, you can just throw some stuff in and make it work. I have to make so many lists before I pack to go somewhere. It's unfair."

"Baby, I want you to stay at Escala, while I'm gone. It's safer here. Mrs. Jones and the security team will take care of you and you can invite Kate and Mia over and spend quality time here."

"Christian, I'll be fine. It'll be better off at my apartment. Here, I'll just be a mopey, sad ass girlfriend. This is your place, it doesn't feel like home without you here."

She doesn't feel at home here. Fuck.

"You can redecorate you know, change whatever you like."

"Oh god, chill out. Listen, I'll be safe at my apartment too. And I don't have that many plans for the week. I might meet some GEH friends for dinner during the week, still not sure. Otherwise, I just go to my pilates classes sometimes. I'll keep you and Sawyer updated, I promise."

I walk to her and pick up, she wraps her legs around me and I lead her back to the bed and lay her down.

"What do you think you're doing Mr. Grey." She giggles as I kiss her neck.

"Getting my fill of you Miss Steele, I'm going to be without you till Friday... I'm stocking up."

She laughs out loud. "Do I get a say in this?"

"That depends. Will you miss me?"

"Of course I will. How could I not?"

"What will you miss about me?"

"So many things. Your eyes and the way you look at me. Running my hands through your hair. Your lips and when the kiss me." She kisses me sweetly and suddenly climbs up on top of me and pulls me up to her, throwing her arms around my neck and continues to speak softly against my lips. "I'll miss feeling your tongue inside my mouth. I'll miss your hands all over my body, holding me gently and sometimes holding me like you'll never let me go."

I'm about to burst out of my jeans and I need to control this before I'm embarrass myself. I kiss her neck as she continues to speak, her temperature at a fever pitch now and her breathing shallow and aching for our connection.

"I'm going to miss you biting and licking my skin." I work to quickly take off her dress and do just that, making her giggle. I bite down hard and it makes her moan. I reach down to feel her and she's soaking, warm and completely ready for me. "I'm going to miss your fingers inside me." I follow her directive and she throws her head back, biting her lip and enjoying the feeling as I kiss her neck again.

"I'm going... to... miss..." she stops my hand and takes a second. She moves to unzip me and runs her hand down my boxers. I groan at the contact. I'm so close. Fuck. I need to control myself. "I'm going to miss how big and hard you are for me and how much you want to be inside me." I grab her face and kiss her hard. She lets me take over her mouth as she slowly lift herself up and takes me and we both gasp.

"Fuck Ana, you're so warm and tight... I need this." She moves slowly, taking her time as I breathe in her neck, inhaling her scent.

"I'm going to miss, how you fill me completely... how you make love to me, slow and gentle and how you fuck me, hard and fast... oh god, Christian..." she moans and it's almost my undoing.

"I'm going to miss, how it feels when you come inside of me..." hearing her say those words and I lose it. I grab her and twist so that she's under me on the bed and I hold her arms up with my fingers interlocked with hers. Her breathing is heavy, cheeks flushed with hooded eyes. Why the fuck am I leaving again?

I run m nose along hers. "Tell me baby, do you like it when my cock is inside your tight pussy? Do you love it when I fuck you?"

"Yes... please...I...I... need you." She begs.

"I couldn't hear that baby, how do you want me to fuck you?" God, I need this. I need her.

She grabs my face and bites my lip and speaks. "I need you to shut up and fuck me right now, Christian, I need to feel your big, hard cock inside me. Just fuck me, already."

I can't help but smile and slam into her making her scream in ecstasy. I pound into her and she meets me thrust for thrust. A few more and she comes, screaming my name and it sets me off... I still and empty myself into her groaning a garbled version of her name into her neck.

I lie on top of her, panting and she giggles while I'm still inside of her and its feels painful but still amazing, as her muscles tighten around my dick again through the laughter.

"I don't want to leave at all. I'll miss you so much." I say as I shower her face with soft kisses.

"I'd keep you here but you're big shot CEO with lots of decisions to make so I understand that you have to go." She says with a little sadness.

"I should fire you and take you with me."

"I will fire you if you fire me." She sticks her tongue out.

I pull out of her and lay on her chest as she runs her hands in my hair. "Christian..." I look back up at her and she scoots down so we're face to face "Promise me you'll come back." She says with almost tears eyes.

"Of course baby, I promise I'll come back. Don't worry."

"I know, I just... you mean so much to me and you're going so far away... I just want you to come back."

"Ana, I'm going to come back to you. I'll always come back to you."


Authors Note: Don't hate me. PLEASE don't hate me. Are you mad at what Kate did? Tell me honestly. I think I would've done what she did. I'm not going to lie, i'm a little mad at Christian, we all know that he communicates through sex and it pissed me off to take it in the direction where he still just takes from Ana. Like I have the power to wrap this up in a bow but I wanted to be uncomfortable and figure out a way to resolve this with the discomfort. Does that make sense? No? No worries, ignore my ramblings.

Music:

Lava Lamp - Mree

Fourth of July - Sufjan Stevens

Take Me Home - Ingrid Michaelson

The Power of Love - Gabrielle Alpin

Koi Labda - SYMT feat. Sanam Marvi - song that Ana sings while making cookies and translates for Christian.