"You forgot your knife." The sharp voice was accompanied by the tinny sound of her dagger hitting the cobblestones behind her.
She spun around to face Zhao and glanced down. The blade pointed at her like an accuser. It was so close, an inch more and he would've hit her foot. She crouched down, picked it up. Maybe she should have felt nervous. But only a low anger simmered inside her.
"Thanks." She turned, prepared to leave, but he grabbed her wrist.
"I told you to wait," he said as he twisted her arm. She cried out and he released her with a quick glance about their surroundings. He continued on in a softer tone, keeping his hands clenched at his sides. "You need to be more careful. Last time you were alone at night, you got hurt…"
She scoffed. "Don't put your hands on me like that then pretend to care about my safety. Or wait, let me guess, it's only okay when you hurt me. No one else is allowed to because I belong to you."
Tears rolled down her cheeks. She brushed them away as if they burned her and opened her mouth to continue her scolding. Zhao's eyes were downcast as he listened. The words died on her tongue. Was this shame? She wasn't sure she'd ever seen him look that way before, even when he'd apologized for the first time. Her body shuddered at the reminder. He'd been violent with her before, many months ago when they were first courting.
She remembered the feeling of the wall beneath her fingers as he shoved her against it. The memory drained her, leaving her swaying on her feet. Shadows appeared around the edges of her vision, her stomach ached. It had been at least 24 hours since she'd eaten. It caught up to her at the worst possible moment. All her energy to fight, to argue, vanished.
"I'm sorry that I've treated you poorly," Zhao said when he realized she wouldn't say anything more. Slowly, he reached for her. His hands encircled her waist, holding her to his chest as if she was a wounded animal. "I was just worried about you and I expressed it in a harmful way. Please forgive me."
She nodded, clinging to him, arms trembling. Everything that had happened in the last few hours – the fighting, the sex, all the associated emotions – crashed down on her. Her consciousness wavered. She jerked back into her body but soon began fading again.
"Lien? Lien, are you alright?"
She could hear him calling her name, feel him giving her body a slight shake. But she couldn't find the strength to respond. Her mind was fuzzy and that numbness spread down to her legs. She leaned into the warmth of her fiancé, letting her eyes shut. When she next opened them, she was laid in a carriage with her head resting in his lap. She blinked and woke up in Kiran's guest room.
The bedside table was laden with a steaming cup of tea and a plate of roast duck. Its smell turned her stomach. Her only thought was that she had to get away from it before she threw up. She vaulted out of the bed. When she landed, pain seared through her thighs, so intense that she screamed and collapsed.
In an instant, the door was thrown open and Kiran appeared at her side. The older woman hugged her. "Shhh, little one, it's okay. You're safe now. He's gone."
As the pain subsided, her head cleared enough to speak. "What are you talking about? What happened?"
Kiran frowned and the expression stuck. She helped Lien back into bed before answering, "Zhao confessed everything to me. What he did to you… I'm so sorry. I should have done more to protect you from him." The tears she'd been trying to hold back overflowed and spilled down her cheeks.
"No, Kiran, it's not like that." Lien hesitated, unsure of how much to disclose. She couldn't be certain if the woman's sadness was genuine. "He was a perfect gentleman to me. Didn't do anything unless I asked him to. I was just overwhelmed afterward."
"He was acting so strangely, I just assumed… I'm sorry I got all worked up over nothing." Kiran giggled a bit as she wiped away her tears with a silken handkerchief.
"I'm glad you care," she said.
And she meant it. Ever since Jing Fei left for the Earth Kingdom colonies all those months ago, Kiran had always made sure that Lien never felt alone, never wanted for anything. She was the closest thing Lien had to a real friend. It had taken a few weeks to stop feeling like the woman had ulterior motives. Even now she caught an occasional chill of suspicion. But as their cohabitation stretched on, she found herself confiding more and more in Kiran. After all, if anyone could understand what she was going through, it was the admiral's wife.
"So, not to be intrusive but… Tell me everything."
Lien couldn't stifle her laughter. She pulled the blankets of the bed around her as if that could protect her from the embarrassment. And yet, she found herself easily relaying the experience to Kiran. It just flowed from her mouth like a waterfall. All the things Zhao did and said. The pleasure and uncertainty and distance.
Kiran listened without a single interruption. At times, she smiled or nodded thoughtfully, but she didn't speak until she was sure Lien had finished. "It's natural to be confused, especially considering your past. I'm sure your parents never bothered to speak with you about these things."
A soft warmth bloomed in Lien's chest. It felt good to be understood. She leaned back against the pillow, letting go of the blankets as she listened to her companion's voice.
"I'll have to apologize to him when I see him next. I may have yelled a bit," she said, lips twitching in a small smirk. "Well, a lot, actually. I'm surprised it didn't wake you. Anyway, it's only been a few hours since you arrived. You should try to rest some more."
She gracefully pushed herself off of Lien's bed and swept toward the door. As her hand touched upon the knob, she hesitated. The moonlight shone through the window, bathing her slim figure in silver. Even her chin-length hair caught some of the rays and, for an instant, looked as if she'd gone grey. She turned back to Lien. Her lips pursed but she said nothing.
"Kiran? What's wrong?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing," she said quickly. "Just… be careful. You really don't know what you're getting yourself into."
Then she was gone, leaving Lien alone with her thoughts as she struggled to drift off to sleep. The ominous warning echoed through her mind for the rest of the night. At times, the apprehension translated into broken dreams that she couldn't remember once the sun awoke her.
She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and stretched. It had been a hard night from all the tossing and turning. Her shoulder ached. She eased herself out of bed, suspicious of her own legs. But the pain she'd felt before was absent. Still wary, she changed out of the green dress she'd fallen asleep in. This morning, the brighter colors drew her in and she selected a traditional red gown with black accents. She admired herself in the full-length mirror.
Her hair made her frown. The natural curls were matted on one side and frizzy on the other. She tugged a comb through her locks until her scalp ached but that only helped the tangles. With a groan, she pulled all her hair into a severe bun then went downstairs for breakfast.
On her way out, she'd noticed someone had removed the plate of duck from the night before. She could still detect its savory scent in the air. Her stomach growled.
"Good morning, Kiran," she said as she entered the kitchen.
The admiral's wife looked up from the tea she was brewing and smiled. "Good morning, Lien. Would you like some tea? It's jasmine."
"No, thank you," she said. She fetched an apple from a basket of fruit on the counter. "I want to head out as early as I can."
Kiran frowned. "Is that all you're having? I know you didn't eat yesterday… You should be taking better care of yourself." At times like these, her true age shone through her youthful demeanor and expert makeup. Her face creased with worried wrinkles. Like a mother watching her child swim too far into the ocean.
"I'm saving room for lunch." Lien giggled – a habit she must have picked up from Kiran. "Big plans, you know?"
"Oh. With Zhao?"
"Yes." She paused to eat her apple. Once finished, she tossed the core. "Well, can't keep him waiting. I'll see you for dinner."
Before Kiran could protest, she left the kitchen. As soon as she was outside, the giddiness that had been bubbling in her stomach retreated. It was replaced by a sharp, throbbing guilt. She wasn't sure why she'd lied. Maybe it was because she didn't want to be stopped. Or perhaps the sudden display of motherly affection scared her. Having another sister to look out for her was fine, but a new mother… She couldn't replace her biological one, no matter how much they resented each other.
She walked with purpose, treading a path that was growing increasingly familiar to her. But instead of going all the way to the library, she stopped about halfway. The place where she'd been attacked. In the past few months, she'd avoided this stretch of cobblestone as much as possible. She added a few minutes to her commute to the library just so she didn't have to feel that eerie prickling under her skin. But today, she needed to know if there was anything left. Any trace of her attacker's identity.
A few passersby gave her quizzical glances as she crouched down and examined the path. She brushed her fingers against each stone. The absurdity of it all caused her to stop and reflect. What was the point? Surely, any evidence had been trampled by months of foot traffic or burned away by Zhao when he'd rescued her. She grimaced.
And what good would it do to figure out the identity of a one-time assassin? There hadn't been any further attempts on her life, nor had she noticed any spies or other red flags. It was probably all a misunderstanding that had led to her being stabbed. She was a nobody, after all, and she always would be. No matter who she married or what she accomplished in life. She didn't need recognition, didn't really want it either. How could she adjust to a life where all eyes were on her when she'd grown up almost completely alone?
She stood up and brushed the dust off her skirt. It would be a waste of a day if she spent it looking for clues that had never existed. So, she found herself heading back down the path toward Kiran's, unsure of how to proceed. She ought to visit her parents; it had been far too long since they'd seen each other. Yet she couldn't bring herself to face them, not when they never cared to check if she'd survived the assassination.
They didn't want her and her need for them had dwindled to nothing. She had Zhao and Kiran now. And Jing Fei, even though her older sister never responded to the letters she'd sent. Deep down, she knew she'd been disowned by the only person who'd cared for her as a child. But she wasn't ready to admit that. So, she continued to write each week, hoping that one day, she'd get a reply.
"Lien!"
The voice shattered her melancholy thoughts. She looked up to see an unfamiliar woman rushing toward her. Sable gown fluttering around her, she swooped down on Lien. She cringed at the invasion of personal space. Every nerve in her body screamed at her to run. Or at least take a few steps out of the stranger's reach.
"I'm sorry, do I know you?" Her voice quivered.
"Oh, no you don't," the woman said, beaming. But her eyes – stone grey in color – were so intense that even the jovial expression couldn't soften them. "But there's no need for fear. I'm Feng Mian, a friend of Kiran's."
"Nice to meet you," she said, letting her shoulders relax. She hadn't realized she'd been cowering. It was still an instinctual reaction when someone she didn't know approached her.
"I had an idea that Kiran said I should recruit you for." Feng Mian glanced around them. She scowled at the number of onlookers. "However, it's a very private matter. Why don't we go discuss it where we won't be overheard?"
Lien hesitated. She remembered Kiran's warning from the night before. Be careful. But she'd definitely been alluding to Zhao, especially if she'd asked Feng Mian to seek her out. There wasn't any danger here. She'd said she was a friend. Lien smiled a bit and nodded. "Do you have someplace in mind?"
"Yes. Now come along, little one. It isn't far." Her narrow skirt flared out as she spun around.
Lien followed in silence.
