Shepard strolled around Anderson's – her – apartment. So quiet after the party the night before. She stopped at the window. Skycars whizzed by, neon signs blinked, and pedestrians shoved around each other going opposite directions. The lounge across the street was having a party on the balcony. An asari dancer writhed on the table only wearing strings and a patch of metallic faux-leather. Judging by the human male being clapped on the back and the asari's generous attention, it was a bachelor's party.

Everyone was rushing to enjoy their last days alive. There was probably a run on the embassy with humans getting married, not wanting to die alone. Shepard didn't blame them really. Easy to attribute those heightened, panic-fueled emotions to true love. Easier than admit desperation and fear. Shepard turned away.

The dishwasher was emptied. The dishes were even back in the right cupboards. Traynor's generously-curried hors d'oeuvres were sealed in Tupperware in the fridge. Tupperware Shepard didn't even know Anderson had. The kitchen counters could cut down on utility bills they shined so bright. Not a speck of dried sauce or skimming of crumbs. Their vinegar-clean smell tickled her nose. The trash had a fresh liner, the rugs were straightened, and the couches were pushed back into place with the proper throw pillows. Stemware too fragile for the dishwasher sparkled on the shelf behind the wet bar. Shepard was half surprised the liquor hadn't been alphabetized.

The whole time she'd been at the casino with Miranda drinking Neapolitans and throwing dice, Kaidan had been busting his ass getting his clean on. The upstairs' soap dispensers even looked topped off. The toothpaste splatter on the bathroom mirror? Erased. Not even a streak. Her bedsheets were tucked so tight and geometrically precise, she'd need a boxcutter to get into bed.

She and Kaidan had radically different definitions of 'pick up a few things.' Despite his Mary Poppins-level clean, Shepard had never considered Kaidan this compulsively clean. Clean, but not operating room clean.

Shepard's feet slowed trotting down the stairway. She hadn't realized it until now, but the hamster cage in her cabin was clean. It had been smelling. Smelling bad. She'd gotten to the point of reading her datapad on the couch and avoiding the desk altogether. The night before reaching the Citadel, though, she'd sat at the desk. She had typed up her mission summary, no gagging or cursing the furry pest for being organic. The cage must have been cleaned. The hamster was a Class A mooch, too lazy to run his wheel half the time. No way he took out his own trash. It had to be Kaidan.

Her mind spun. What else did he do that she didn't even realize? She never replaced the energy bars in her night stand. The datapad she'd hurtled across the room after the council meeting? She assumed her memory exaggerated the power of her throw. She found it on her desk the next day, no cracks and the load up screen came up without a hitch. Her hurricane IV always had a fresh clip. She hadn't polished her armor in months. Never needed it. The malware on her terminal had self-cured. She remembered Kaidan frowning over her shoulder at that one. It was him. It was all him. Shepard threw herself down on the couch.

She didn't know whether to be annoyed or pity him. She hadn't seen him outside the context of military life. He could be the sort of person who was too eager, too helpful, too desperately kind to not be misused: the door mat, the person who tried too hard. The one you asked to parties just so he'd clean up after. A sad image. Shepard settled back and flicked on the TV. He was too nice to everyone. It was an opening for manipulation. She'd need to discuss it with him, and that was that. But he wasn't polishing Garrus's armor.

Shepard bit her lip. When James tried sweet talking Kaidan into fetching him a MRE, he told James to get some cardio in and get it himself. Kaidan called Joker's bunk disgusting and wondered if the sheets just disintegrated what he'd do then. He hadn't changed Joker's sheets or even tucked them in to remove the eyesore. Kaidan had fixed Liara's Omni-Tool, but she had asked him to do it. He hadn't had some superhuman epiphany she was struggling with it. No, Kaidan wasn't the type to be tricked into doing someone's chores. He did them for her, because it was her.

It wasn't just chores he helped her with now she thought about it. A week ago three Alliance rear admirals had boarded the Normandy for an impromptu tour. Kaidan had showed them around and reviewed mission summaries with them. A relief. When Joker gave her the one-minute warning they'd arrived, she had cursed. Kaidan had put a hand on her shoulder. Don't worry about it. I've got it.

Shepard snapped off the TV and looked around the apartment. Light faded outside the window to the slow drip of a faucet and the hollow echo of empty rooms. The party howled and laughed across the skywalk. She had Omni-Tool messages and pending invitations from friends, but the gloom had leached into her. There was only one person she wanted to see.

The whooping party cries made her pause. Desperation in the final days was about filling this lonely void inside with love and affirmation. She wasn't good at giving those things. Kaidan gave them so easily. If he was trying to earn comfort and support in return, it was a poor investment. She not only hadn't appreciated all he did, she hadn't even recognized it. It was one-way.

Shadows danced on the floor from passing skycars. That fear and heartache outside her window was self-focused. It gave only to get back. This, though, with her only taking and him giving so much and so quietly? It wasn't desperation and emptiness in the final days driving him, it really was … A lump grew in her throat. He'd said it enough, but it really wasn't just wishful thinking and fantasizing reality. It was real.

She had never put into words all he meant to her. Voicing it aloud didn't seem important. Actions spoke louder than words. Then again, she wasn't saying much by action either. She hadn't even thought of this Christmas being the first without his dad. Every day she teased him, gave raunchy compliments, said in an off-the-cuff way she was glad he was aboard. But she didn't say anything meaningful or transparently sincere. She didn't reassure him about how special he was to her. For every hundred of his sweet words or gestures of encouragement, she gave one, if that. She was too focused on herself, too focused on each new goal and the mission. She was taking him for granted.

He needed to know how she felt about him. Her palms sweated. Once she said it, it couldn't be taken back though. She'd be forced to continue saying it long after she realized it was only transient butterflies or loneliness. His face stared at her from the party picture on the wall. No, she was lying to herself. She loved him. If it was transient, it was lasting a long time.

Just three words. Her heart pounded. They scared her more than hearing the scream of a banshee. She'd only said them to her parents. Perhaps she never would work up to saying them aloud. She could at least say them in action.

She shot to her feet. She would do something for him, something together. He'd made her dinner when he came over before. He wanted quiet time, to slow down, have alone time with her. Then it was 'no' to the casino or a karaoke bar. No to any place on the flashing walkways of the strip. It was quiet here though. The apartment was private and relaxing. She pulled up the comm on her Omni-Tool and scrolled to his name.

XXX

"Hey." Kaidan slipped through the front door to her apartment. "Everything all right?"

"Yep." Shepard hopped over the back of the couch. "I didn't pull you away from something life or death, did I?"

"Eh. The CPR wasn't working anyway." He walked toward her. "No, I was at the Spectre range. You tried that M-11 Suppressor yet? Thing packs a hell of a punch. Only thing left of the target was a puff of confetti and a swinging hook."

Shepard threw her arms around his neck. "I missed you."

A line deepened between Kaidan's eyes, but he wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her back. "I missed you too."

"Guess what?" Shepard turned her mouth to his ear. "I made dinner."

"Thought I smelled something. Pizza?"

"The recipe is made of numbers. It's an Arcturus delicacy."

Kaidan laughed and smoothed a hand down her hair. "What about a Mindoir delicacy?"

"I don't think you want to eat that many ears of corn. Plus, the recipe has words, and I'd have to boil water." She dragged him by the hand into the kitchen. "And, look – ta da – Canadian club whiskey."

"Really?" Kaidan surged forward and grabbed the bottle off the counter. "It really is. Where'd you – do you want something from me? You're never getting that Noveria picture back. Anything else, you only have to ask."

Shepard leaned her elbows on the counter. "You like? I had to flash my celebrity around for that. I wandered through the liquor stores saying, 'Anything Canadian with alcohol content, here's my credit chip. Load me up.'"

Kaidan smiled and set the whiskey bottle down. "Really, though? What's the occasion?"

"Celebrating the present." Shepard passed around him and threw open the pizza box on the island. "Pizza, alcohol, and ice cream - the foods of my people. What? We die young."

"Ice cream too? Is it chocolate chip mint?"

"Well …" Shepard threw open the freezer door. "Lookie there. It is."

Kaidan narrowed his eyes. "What do you want from me? Because, seriously, that Noveria picture is saved so many places, I don't even remember all of them."

"I don't want anything." Shepard scoffed and swatted his arm. "Want to eat on the coffee table?"

"Both of us? I think it'll break."

Shepard gave him a long look then grabbed the pizza box. "At the coffee table. Bring the whiskey."

"Cups, too, or are we really free-styling it?"

"Surprise me. Which coffee table do we want?"

"Your turn. Surprise me." Kaidan snatched the bottle off the counter and followed her.

She ushered him around the fireplace into the TV living room. The screen glowed with the party picture from the night before. Kaidan gazed at it a second with a soft smile, then flopped down on the couch.

"Are we watching something?" he asked.

"Only if you want."

"Only if I want …" Kaidan twisted off the top of the whiskey bottle. "Dead serious, Shepard, what's up? You hear some bad news from the front?"

"This isn't a last meal. Stop being so suspicious." She shoved his shoulder and sat down beside him. She reached for the whiskey bottle then drew her hand back.

"Here." He tossed the cap on the table and held the bottle out to her.

"I bought it for you. You get first draw."

Kaidan frowned. He tapped the bottle down next to the pizza box and rotated on the couch to face her. "Did Dr. Chakwas give you some bad health news about me or something? You can't tell me this isn't suspicious."

"Did Dr. Chakwas -" Shepard snapped to face him. Her heart pounded. "What would she – Is there something you need to tell me, Kaidan?"

"Now who's paranoid? No, of course not. I'm fine. This is just so … Well, I guess, I won't worry about it. Let's eat your Arcturus delicacy and help skew the longevity data." He reached for the pizza.

Shepard caught his wrist. She drew it into her lap and faced him on the couch. "Kaidan, I want you to know – I just mean to say: I, uh … I …" A slight smile played on his lips, his eyes soft. Her voice weakened. "I … I … I really …" The words strangled in her throat. "I care about you so much. I hope you know that." It wasn't what she'd meant to say.

Kaidan chuckled and cupped the side of her face. "I know that. You mean everything to me. If you really want the Noveria picture, I'd probably even give it to you." His smile brightened, and he kissed her mouth. He lingered long enough that she snatched after him when he pulled back.

"Pizza's getting cold," he said.

Shepard settled against him with her heart beating fast. It felt nice making him happy rather than worrying about what it implied of herself that she wanted to make him happy. He handed her a piece of pizza on a paper towel and sat back. He slid his arm around her shoulders.

"What's on the agenda?" he asked.

"After dessert, we'll have ice cream," Shepard said. "Then after ice cream, we'll have dessert again. Then I have a planned activity."

"Normally, the 'planned activity' would be suggestive, but since you mentioned dessert, which is more suggestive … I am curious."

"Well, you like competition, right?"

"Bet I like it more than you do." He took a bite of his pizza.

Shepard chewed her pizza with a tired look. "You're competing with me over who likes competition more?"

"I said it first."

Shepard slapped his chest with the back of her hand.

"Hey, don't get pizza grease on me," Kaidan laughed. "I gave you a paper towel you know. Sorry I skipped the tutorial."

"You're such a brat." She wiped her hands on the paper towel and threw it at his face.

He knocked it away with a crackle of biotic energy. "Now you don't have a paper towel. And you still have a piece of pizza. That's not a good ratio for you. Look at your arms."

She did have grease running down her wrists. "Anyway, as I was saying, before you turned my competition comment into a competition, I was digging around Anderson's closet. I found a board game."

"Is it twister?"

"We don't need a board for that. No. It's something I've never heard of. Has little choking hazard pieces and dice. Has a booklet of directions you can reference against me the whole game. It'll be fun."

"Can we roll the dice biotically?"

"That question's just a gateway to your loophole cheating, Kaidan. So, no. I will let you move your pawn around the board biotically. That fair?"

"And your pawn?"

"You're not touching my pawn." Shepard poked his side for emphasis. "You're premeditating your cheating right now."

"You know I wouldn't really, really cheat, right? I'm just messing with you. I don't want to win anything underhandedly."

"Yeah, I know." Shepard pushed the last bit of crust in her mouth. She made a show of ripping off a paper towel and wiping herself down. Then she fell against him and wrapped an arm around his chest.

"You really think grease got down your cleavage?" Kaidan asked.

"How should I know? Just being thorough."

"When did the agenda have dessert?"

Shepard looked up at him. "Whenever you want. It's your night."