Chapter 18: John Phoenix and the Mystery of His Uncle's Badge
A few days after the trial and Manfred von Robot's escape, John Phoenix, Phoenix Wright, and Edgeworth were at the Borscht Bowl Club helping Merlin reintegrate into society, because he had revealed to them that he was, in fact, an immortal wizard who had spent the last 2000 years living in a cave.
"You see," Merlin explained, in wizard hat and robe, "I create magical objects for powerful people. That angel gun is also an invention of mine. God commissioned to me to make it. I make all the weapons for heaven and I also designed heaven's security system."
"I see," Edgeworth said, having seen, and heard. "So am I correct in assuming that you also made those robots we fought?"
"I'm sorry, but yes. Von Karma and Gant kidnapped me and forced me to turn them into robots and build them an army. I wouldn't have gone along with their devious plans if it had only been my own life at stake, but they also threatened to kill that girl as well. So I had no choice."
"All right, I get why you made all that stuff for them," said Phoenix Wright, "but why did did you make my badge?"
Merlin examined the badge. "Yes, this is indeed a magic badge, but I didn't make it for you. I made it 20 years ago for a man named Buddy Johnson. I don't know how he found me, but at the time I assumed he must have been a friend of God's and God had told him about me, so I gave him what he wanted... a magic badge."
John Phoenix paused, looking up from the piano (on which he had been playing, beautifully and without effort, an original composition he had written in 5 minutes, even though the song was 7 minutes long), and asked, "Wait, Buddy Johnson? You mean Principal Buddy Johnson?"
"He wasn't a principal when I met him," Merlin replied. "He was a defense attorney."
"That's weird," Phoenix said. "I never knew he was a defense attorney. Maybe you're just mistaken."
John Phoenix stood up. "There's an easy way to verify that, Uncle Phoenix," he said. "We'll simply go to the courthouse and check The Big Book of Lawyers. It contains the names of all the lawyers who've ever practiced law in this state. If there is a Buddy Johnson in the book, we'll see if his birthdate and blood-type match up to our own Buddy Johnson."
Edgeworth looked amused at Wright's dumbfounded expression. "Don't tell me you didn't know about the Big Book of Lawyers, Wright?"
"Of course I knew about it!" Wright snapped. "I went to law school, didn't I? I... I've just never had a reason to consult it, so obviously it didn't spring to mind right away."
"Sure..."
So John Phoenix, Wright, and Edgeworth gave Merlin their unused drink tickets so he could continue to reintegrate into human society, then they went to the district court's legal library to uncover the mystery behind Uncle Phoenix's badge.
As the three men ascended the steps to the courthouse some girls started screaming and tried to date John Phoenix but he just spit on them and continued walking.
In the law library they met the librarian, the Judge's sister, who looked a lot like the judge except she had hair and didn't have a beard. She was also a woman. She found the book they were looking for and dropped it on a desk.
"Whew, there you go! Over 200 pounds of different attorneys and all the relevant information about them. Let me know if you need anything else!"
She left them. John Phoenix sat down and opened the book and Miles and Phoenix Wright looked over his shoulders.
"Let's see..." John Phoenix said. "Hm, it seems that the entire ''J" section has been removed!"
"Someone must want to keep us in the dark about Buddy Johnson's past," remarked Edgeworth. Just then Uncle Phoenix's ringtone started playing.
Beep. "Hello...?"
"Daddy, help! My school bus has been hijacked by Neo Nazis! And they've filled the bus with enough bombs to blow up the whole city! They're heading for town hall right now! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!" Beep.
Phoenix Wright was upset. "Oh no! Trucy? Trucy? Are you there?" She's wasn't, because the Neo Nazis had taken her phone away and hung up.
"We must call the police immediately!" cried Edgeworth, but John Phoenix slapped the phone out of his hand and stomped on it.
Phoenix Wright held his cellphone to his ear. "John Phoenix, what's the matter with you?!" John Phoenix did a high kick and sent his his uncle's phone flying into the ceiling where it shattered into a million pieces.
"No," said John Phoenix angrily. "No police. They are worthless. Leave everything to me. The police would only get in the way." John Phoenix then dived through the window, shattering the glass, and ran off to confront the school bus that had been corrupted by the poisonous Neo Nazi ideology.
"There goes the greatest defense attorney to ever live," murmured Edgeworth. Phoenix Wright couldn't help but agree. He just hoped John Phoenix knew what he was doing...
BONUS EMOJIS
️👵 the librarian
👩 👩👧girls John Phoenix spit on
