DANG. I have to say... I love the power of a cliffhanger and I loved all your responses. For those of you who left reviews and private messages, you da bomb dot com.

gowildcats: your reactions s l a y me.

lelev: yes the lemons will be in short supply for the next few chapters but this will be a chance for emotional growth. which is what Christian is in dire need of.

maureen: I gotchu girl, i gotchu. here's another update.

Ready, set, read... and review!


Chapter 17 – In the hush, remember us.

Friday, December 20th, 2019

CPOV

"Fuck. No, Ana, no. Please come back to me." I pull my phone out and call Kate.

She picks up on the third ring, thank god. "Kate, I need you. It's Ana, she... she's... gone into a trance. I don't know what to do?"

"What do you mean, what happened?" I can hear the fear and panic in her voice. "Kate it's a long story, I shared some information with her. We are at Escala, please get here quickly."

"I'll be there in 10."

I look at Ana and continue to try and talk to her. She doesn't respond. She just blinks and looks straight ahead. I hold her hand and bring to my cheek as tears fall from my eyes, I apologize profusely and she remains the same. She's completely lost inside somewhere and I can't bring her out. Please come back, baby.

It feels like an age as I sit and look at her. Studying her face, caressing it but she looks so broken. I can barely hear her breathing. I can't believe did this to her. I didn't protect her.

I hear the elevator doors open and Kate and Elliot come rushing out. Kate is in tears.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER CHRISTIAN?" Kate yells at me. "GET AWAY FROM HER."

I move back and she runs and kneels in front of Ana. She takes Ana's face in her hands and looks her directly in the eye.

I look at Elliot and I can see the panic in his eyes as he looks at me with confusion. "Bro, what happened?" I look back at him with shame. "I can't explain right now Elliot, we need to get Ana back first."

"Ana baby, look at me, it's Kate. Steele and Kavanagh forever, remember?" Kate talks to her affectionately as she holds he face. Ana doesn't respond.

"Babygirl, do you want pancakes, that will make you feel better. Remember how Ray likes to eat pancakes and suddenly the world is a better place?" Ana still doesn't respond.

"Ray is going to be home soon, let's go make some tea." Kate tries again, sobbing uncontrollably. Still nothing.

"Ana please come back to me, look, Ray called me. He told me he was so proud of you, you're his girl of Steele." Kate tries again, rubbing her shoulders, Kate is sobbing now. She looks to Elliot and sobs "It's never been this bad before."

Fuck, this is painful to watch. Elliot rubs my shoulder and my tears just run down my cheeks.

She quickly pulls her phone from her back pocket and scrolls through it and presses play. Suddenly a man's voice blares through.

"There's my girl of Steele, Annie I'm so proud of you, I knew you could do it. You did such a great job."

"Thanks dad. Can we go get ice-cream now?" Ana's child like voice giggles in the recording. "Anything for you, Luna." Ray laughs back.

Suddenly Ana shivers and blinks. She whispers "Daddy?" blinks a couple of more times and then starts to scream loudly. "DADDY... DADDYYYYYY.. DADDYYYY" Kate tries holding her as Ana wails and screams at the top of her lungs. She tries to fight Kate with all her might and it's fucking painful to watch and hear. Her screams pierce through everything.

"LET ME GO, I NEED MY DAD. DADDYYYYYYY" She screams and screams as Kate tries to control her. I try to help.

"NO, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER, GREY." Kate screams at me crying. I retreat.

Suddenly Ana starts to convulse and shivers as her eyes go back into her head. Fuck, she's having a seizure.

"Elliot call 911 and give me the phone." Kate barks through her tears as she tries to lay Ana down on the sofa, her seizure waning.

"Hi, Yes, my friend, female, mid 20's went into a trance but came out of it and then had a seizure. We need an ambulance. She has a history of severe PTSD and suicidal attempts. My address is 1920 4th Ave, 31st floor. Please hurry."

As Kate finishes the call, I see Taylor, Sawyer and Gail standing in the foyer."How can we help sir?" Taylor asks.

"No one touches her." Kate yells. "The ambulance is coming and they will take her. Elliot, please call your mom and tell her what happened." Kate looks back at Ana as she lays lifeless. She cries and kisses her forehead and ties to make her comfortable.

"Sir, I'll go downstairs to make sure the paramedics get up here with no issues." Sawyer offers. Gail and Taylor retreat and I see the worry in their eyes.

Elliot calls mom and tells her what happened. He hangs up and takes me to the side. "Christian, what happened? Tell me bro."

I look down. "Elliot, it's a lot to take in. I promise to tell you just not now. I swear I didn't hurt Ana, I just told her some things about myself and she reacted this way. I just want her to get better." My voice is almost a sob.

He pulls me in for a hug. "Okay, we'll talk later. Let's just get her to the hospital and back to herself."

The paramedics show up and take Ana in a stretcher; she looks so small and broken. Kate rides with her while Sawyer takes Elliot and I in the SUV.

I get Ana a private room in the VIP wing of Seattle-Mason and Elliot lets mom know which hospital we're in. As we wait in the waiting room, Kate comes at me and whispers her seething interrogation.

"What the fuck happened Christian? What did you do to her?" she's shivering with rage and trying her best not to cry.

I tell her and Elliot about how Elena came in with a submissive and the exchange we had and about the BDSM lifestyle, how I got into it. I tell them about the room and Ana's reaction to seeing it all.

Kate closes her eyes and starts to cry. Elliot holds her. She breaks away from his embrace and grabs the lapels of my jacket "You sick son of a bitch, I gave you an out and you still waited. You have broken her, I told you I cannot lose her and you still couldn't get your shit together to tell her yourself. I'm going to kill you" Elliot pulls her away and hugs her as she cries into his chest; I continue to look down in shame. Mom shows up after a bit and asks Kate what happened. She doesn't tell her much except for what happened when she got to Escala. Mom goes to confer with the doctor assigned to Ana. She returns after a while and comes and sits next to me.

"Christian, son, what happened?"

"Mom, I can't tell you without you hating me. I shared some information with Ana and she reacted badly to it." My voice is low and hoarse. She pulls me in for a hug. "Okay, we'll talk about this later."

After a while the doctor assigned to Ana, Dr. Simmons, comes by and tells us that all of her tests came out clear, she just needs rest and she will eventually wake up when her body has rested enough. The seizure tends to take a toll on the muscles. Kate says she'll stay the night and asks all of us to leave. Mom tells her she'll be back early morning and Elliot tries to get me to go back to Escala but I tell him I'll just wait in the waiting room.

"Christian, she's not going to wake up for another couple of hours. You need rest as well, you just came back from a long flight." Elliot tries to reason with me.

"Elliot, it's fine. Christian, come with me." Kate offers. Elliot looks to Kate and hugs her. "I'll back in the morning babe, let me know if you need anything." She nods and kisses him goodnight.

I follow Kate to Ana's room. Before we enter she turns to me "I know you love her but you really fucked up here. You're on a really short fucking leash till all this gets resolved." She looks at me with a piercing stare.

I swallow and silently nod.

We walk into the room and it's dark. I pull up a chair to Ana's side of the bed and hold her hand as she sleeps and I rest my head on the bed by her hand.

I don't know how much time passes but when I wake up, it's still dark outside. I look up and see Ana, wide-awake and expressionless. I hold her hand but it's lifeless. Her eyes are desolate and vacant as she stares at the window. I try to hold back tears.

She doesn't love me anymore. I've lost her. She thinks I'm a monster who will hurt her.

"I just wanted a Goa holiday and now you've taken all that away from me." She removes her hand and turns away from me to face the other-side of the bed facing Kate who is sleeping on the couch across from her.

I feel so utterly alone and it's all my fault.


Saturday, December 21st, 2019

It's morning when I wake up again and Ana is still facing away from me. Kate is no longer in the room. I get up to freshen my face and proceed to leave the room to get some breakfast.

Ana just lays there with the vacant stare piercing straight through the wall.

"I'm truly sorry Ana. I didn't mean to." She says nothing. I walk out.

I run into Kate in the hallway and tell her Ana is awake. "Did she say anything to you?" Kate asks.

I shake my head, unable to speak any further.

"Christian, I'm sorry about how I acted last night, I hope you can understand how scared I was. I don't think straight when it comes to her." Kate is tearing up.

"I understand Kate, don't apologize. I know I fucked up."

"This part of her recovery will be hard for you because she will be indifferent, it's like a defense mechanism. I've experienced the wrath of her indifference early on in our friendship when we had a huge fight, she's the complete opposite of the girl we love and adore. It will be painful but just stick it out. She's worth it I promise." Kate looks up at me.

I nod, I can't look her in the eye. I'm too ashamed to.

I get back to Escala and exit the elevators. I want to rip everything apart. I want to scream.


Sunday, December 22nd, 2019

After discussing logistics and the fact that Ana probably doesn't want me around that much, we all realize that it's not healthy or secure for Ana to stay in the hospital. She won't stay in Escala, she's adamantly against that right now, her own apartment is small so Grace suggests the Ana and Kate move to their place until the new year given the holidays, that way she'll be surrounded by loved ones and Grace can keep an eye on her. Mia is on her way back from her trip to New York, she couldn't find a flight so I arranged to get her a seat on a charter flight, I want Ana to be surrounded by people that make her feel safe. Mia will be here by Monday morning.

I walk into the waiting room where Elliot, Grace and Kate are huddled and talking.

"I can't get hold of her therapist, she's on vacation." Kate runs her hand through her hair.

"Christian, how about Flynn?" Grace looks at me. "I can talk to him about it but I think Kate needs to sign off on it."

Kate looks at me "Sure okay, she needs to talk to a professional because none of us are equipped to help her and she needs to talk out these feelings she has storming inside of her. I can't bear to see her like that again."

"I'll call Flynn and set it up." I walk out and proceed to call Flynn.

"John, are you free tomorrow afternoon, I understand it's the holidays but it's an emergency."

"Everything okay, Christian?"

"No. It's Ana. It's a long story but she found out about the BDSM stuff before I could tell her and when I explained everything to her she went into a trance and then when she came out of it she had some sort of a break and had a seizure on Friday night. We're still at the hospital but we're moving her with Kate to Grace's till the New Year."

"I see. How can I help?"

"Would you be able to come by tomorrow evening to Grace's to try and talk to Ana? Kate says she needs to talk out these feelings. Right now she's severely withdrawn and barely speaking. She just stares into space. I'll send a car for you."

"Sure. My last session ends at 3pm so I'm available after that."

"I'll have a car pick you up by 3:30pm. Let me know if anything changes."

"Will do. See you tomorrow."

I walk back into the room and tell Kate, Mom and Elliot that John will be coming by tomorrow afternoon to see Ana. Grace discusses Ana's discharge with Dr. Simmons and she recommends Ana stay one more night for observation just in case and that she'll be free to go home at 9am tomorrow.

"I have to go pack up a bag for Ana." Kate says.

"I can have my housekeeper take care of that if you give me the key to your apartment." I offer.

"No, it's okay. I'd rather do it myself. Elliot, can you stay with Ana? Just talk to her, remind her about Cabo. Happy memories will help. Just to get her to react a bit." Elliot nods.

"Christian, come with me. We need to talk." Kate orders me.

We ride together in relative silence. Once we're in the apartment, we head to Ana's bedroom. It's immaculate. Not a thing out of place. Kate takes out a bag and begins to pack Ana's things.

"The reason why I didn't want your housekeeper packing her things is because Ana is going to want to wear her indian clothes, to feel closer to Nani. There's a necklace the Ray gave her, she will need that, there's a small box of old pictures she keeps. It's little things that help her piece back together to who she was. Your housekeeper wouldn't have known that stuff." Kate cries as she packs things. "Can you go into her bathroom and get her perfume and body wash?" I do as I'm told. I look at her things neatly placed in the mirror cabinet and inhale the scent of her perfume and body wash. God I miss her. I can't believe I fucked this up. I give them to Kate.

"I'm going to go and pack my own bag. I'll be back in a bit, feel free to stay here or watch some TV and have something to drink. I won't be long."

"I'd like to stay here and think for a bit. Take your time." I sit on Ana's bed and stare at her wall of pictures and her world map. Memories of us in this room flood my mind. Of her lying next to me, bathed in her pink light. I sit with my head in my hands. Intense feelings swirl inside of my chest. Kate knocks on Ana's door and brings me out of my reverie.

"What exactly did Ana say before she went into her trance?" Kate asks.

"She kept saying different iterations of 'they wake up and they don't remember anything, they are bleeding, they are hurt, they cry' she just kept repeating those words. It was hard to hear, she sounded so broken."

"I see. She's equating her rape to what she thinks those women you've had arrangements with, went through. All she sees is sexual violence."

Fuck.

"Listen, I know about the BDSM shit. I know it's all consensual and while I don't agree with a lot of it, it's a reality that suits a lot of people."

"Did you ever want that for Ana?"

"When I initially met her at GEH, yes but then when I saw her at the wedding... I truly didn't know she was going to be there. Seeing her in her element, it seemed so reductive to have an arrangement like that with her. Kate, please believe me when I say that she's changed my life. She's shown me what a healthy fulfilling relationship can be. I never knew I could've had an emotional connection like that with a woman. I know I have fucked up immensely and you all hate my guts but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix it with Ana. I'll wait forever if I have to. I love her, Kate. I can't live without her. " My voice is strained and it's almost painful to speak.

Kate nods. "Just be ready to live in the doghouse for a while because Ana will want her pound flesh. She does not forgive. She doesn't believe in it, you heard her that night when we talked about Tiffany and Trevor. She sees this is a complete betrayal. I know how she thinks."

"I know, thank you Kate, I know I don't deserve your help in all this."

"I just want to be happy again, you are a big piece of that, we all will just have to work together to get het back to some semblance of who she was."


Monday, December 23rd, 2019

Kate asked me to not be present when Ana is being discharged and taken back to Mom and Dad's. It's important for Ana is settle in without seeing me around the house and know that the guest room she's staying in with Kate is a safe place.

Kate asks me for Travis's email to let him know that Ana is unwell but I tell her that I'll take care of it instead. I drive to GEH first thing in the morning and take the elevator to 18th. I get some wide-eyed and confused stares from the employees since they've never seen me in casual attire on a weekday. I honestly couldn't be bothered with my appearance right now.

I walk to Travis's office and the legal department is operating with a skeletal staff. I walk past Ana's desk and realize this is the first time I've come across it. It's perfectly organized, just like her room. With little inconspicuous trinkets and a small framed photo of her, Ray, Nita and Nani standing with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background. She looks tiny, not even a teenager yet.

I walk into Travis's office and he's on the phone but signals that he'll be done in 2 minutes. I sit on the couch and look out the window, trying to calm my racing thoughts.

"Christian, how can I help?"

"Travis, I need you to get me out of business with Elena. Gift her my share in the business and I never want to hear from her again."

He looks at me puzzled. "Everything, okay?"

"No. She's a parasite and I need her out of my life in every way. Just get rid of her."

"Consider it done."

"Also..." I take a deep breath. "Anastasia Steele, you're assistant won't be able to come into work until the New Year."

"Is she okay? She's usually here by 8:30 but I figured she may just be running late this morning but then again it's only a little after 9."

"No. Michael, no one but my security team and my family knows this but Ana and I are in a relationship. We met at her cousin's wedding and we didn't know each other before that. One thing led to another and we've been in a relationship since thanksgiving."

Travis blinks in disbelief. He knows my rule about not dating an employee and he knows all about the BDSM and submissive bullshit.

"Is she your..."

"No, she's not. She's my girlfriend Michael. She's nowhere near the lifestyle. In fact that's why I'm here. She found out about my previous activities because Elena showed up at the apartment while we were together and shit hit the fan. Ana reacted badly and ended up having a seizure and we had to take her to the hospital."

I see Travis shift uncomfortably in his seat. "Is she okay?"

"She'll get there, without going into too much detail and violating her privacy further, she's been through a lot of trauma in life and this secret of mine brought a lot of it back to the surface."

"I understand... Christian, I have to ask, did she sign an NDA?"

"No she did not."

Travis's eyes almost fall out of his head.

"Christian, as your lawyer, I have to strongly advise that she sign an NDA. This is... this could have dire consequences. She's a wonderful woman but you still need to protect yourself."

"That won't be an issue, Travis. I trust her. She comes from money too, at least her adoptive family does, in fact she's the one who wants to keep this private, I fucking want to announce already."

I'd say the look on Travis's face is priceless. He's never seen this side of me. I'm surprised he hasn't checked his pulse.

"I see."

"I love her and I'm about to lose her because I didn't tell her the truth."

Travis takes a deep breath and nods. He's never seen me show any emotion.

"I'm sorry Christian, I hope this all gets resolved soon. Ana is an exception woman and employee, she's an irreplaceable asset to the legal team and not to mention she saved us a shit ton of money recently."

"Yeah, I heard about that. I had to find that out from Ros. Which reminds me, I want to tell Ros myself, when the time is right."

"It goes without saying. I won't even mention to Ana that I know."

"I appreciate it, Travis."

"Don't worry, I'll take care of the Elena situation. Just focus on Ana's recovery. I'll talk to HR have everything taken care of."

...

I leave GEH and head down to Sea-Tac to pick up Mia. No doubt she will have a million questions but I need to feel useful.

I wait for Mia at arrivals at the private terminal. She looks worried as she walks out and comes in for a hug.

"Christian, what happened to Ana, no one will tell me anything." Mia asks as we walk towards the car.

"Mia, I can't give you too many details but I kind of fucked up by not sharing some details of my past and I'm desperately trying to fix it and before you tell me you're going to kill me for hurting her, know that there is a long line of people in front of you waiting to do the same."

She looks at me with tears in her eyes. "Christian, I love you unconditionally and yeah, you can be a real asshole sometimes but I know you can fix this. I have faith in you. You don't have to tell me anything, just fix it with Ana, please." She leans in to hug me and I kiss her temple.

"Thanks Mia, I'm trying and willing to do whatever it takes. Thank you for cutting your trip short, I know you were looking forward to spending the holidays in New York with your friends."

"Anything for Ana, besides, New York will always be there. Maybe next year we can all can go somewhere cool for New Year's?" Mia smiles at me as we sit in the car.

I smile back, "Sure Mia, lets plan something." I love how she is looking ahead and already envisioning Ana and I having a future.

We get back to the house. I carry Mia's bags in and we greet Mom and Dad. I walk up with Mia to catch a glimpse of Ana. I haven't seen her in more than 24 hours.

I follow Mia to the threshold of the guest bedroom door. Ana is wrapped in a shawl, sitting on the bench attached to the bay window looking out to the grounds behind the house. Her stare is vacant. She is still. Mia hugs Kate and walks over to Ana and sits in front of her. Ana doesn't move. She doesn't register Mia as she goes in to hug her. Ana remains the same, sitting and staring out. Mia breaks the hug.

"Ana banana, I missed you so much. New York was so dull I had to come back. We should totally go together soon. Girls trip!" Mia tries to get Ana to speak but she doesn't respond. I can't bear to see it anymore. I decide to go downstairs.

"Christian, your mom and I would like to have a word with you in the study." Dad calls out to me. Fuck, this is going to be like all those fucking times I got lectured for fucking up during school. Fuck me. They're going to want to know the details of what happened with Ana. This was bound to happen. It'll be a miracle if I get out of this whole mess alive.

Dad closes the door to the study, Mom is already seated on the couch and Dad joins her while I take my place on a chair opposite them. It's like I'm 15 again. I guess some things never change.

"Christian... what happened between you and Ana for it to cause such an extreme reaction in her?" Mom is at her wits end; I know the suspense is killing her.

"Son, whatever it is, we can help her together but you have to be honest with us. Kate won't tell us anything and I suspect that's to protect you as well."

"Mom, Dad, I need you to promise me you won't lose your shit because what I'm about to tell you is going to be heavy and... just know that I never meant to hurt Ana with this information. She just found out some stuff about me through an external source before I could tell her and it was the reaction of finding out everything like that... that really caused this reaction."

"Okay son, carry on. Tell us everything." I can see Grace bracing herself for the worst.

"The summer I turned 15, I'm sure you can remember that I kind of changed. I was no longer getting into fights and started to focus in school and started to do well, I was... I guess, calmer."

Grace and Carrick nod in agreement.

"Well, I became involved with an older woman and she kind of set me on the straight path. However, she introduced me into a certain sexual lifestyle, BDSM, that carried on till I met Ana. I started out as this older woman's submissive and she had sexual dominance over me and would either punish or reward me based on my performance in school and socially. Then when I went to Harvard and our relationship continued till I decided end it. When I dropped out and started the business, she became my submissive instead. That dynamic was a short-lived relationship. I started having private and contractual relationships with other women of the same nature. I would dominate them. Control every aspect of their lives. I did this with 17 women and they all signed contracts. It was the safest way I could have sex. I can't bare to be touched and this way insured I got what I wanted, the way I wanted without any emotion." I take a breath and look up. Mom is horrified and Dad's eyes are wide open.

"I want to assure you that I did not expose Ana to this lifestyle, when I met her at the wedding, seeing her in that environment just changed me entire outlook on life. When I spent time with her alone, she changed me and she made me want more from this life. I see a future with her. She showers me with so much affection that I crave it now. I feel safe with her." I feel the tears fall my eyes.

"I had been meaning to tell her about my past but I kept putting it off for fear that she would leave me. On Friday night, the older woman I started out with, she now runs an agency for prospective submissives and pairs them with men and women who are engaged in the lifestyle, she came by the apartment unannounced with a prospect. I tried to get her to leave but Ana got hold of the contract she brought and read it and that it all came out. She asked to see the room where all that activity took place and asked me how the arrangements worked. All of that information triggered something in her. She had been brutally raped before she started college by her adoptive cousin Vishaal and she doesn't remember the night in question but over the years he's tortured her psychologically since then. She equates all of what she found out on Friday night to her own experience. She thinks I'm a monster."

Grace is on the verge of a full-blown meltdown, her face is in her hands and Dad is rubbing her back. Fuck, I am so fucking dead.

"Who the fuck was this woman Christian?" Grace looks up at me. "Tell me or so help me God I will you kill you right now." I swallow hard. "It was Elena Lincoln."

"Oh God, no. Please no." Grace sobs. "I knew she was weird, there were rumors of her peculiar habits as Linc once put it but I would never have imagined this. She was my friend, how could she do this to my son?" She's so disappointed in me.

"Christian, this is really fucked up." Carrick can't even look at me. "I know Dad, there is no excuse. I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I promise you, I have never wanted to hurt Ana. She has healed me in ways I can't even begin to describe. I'm really just trying to move forward and make it right with her." I say with a strained voice.

Dad gets up and sits on the chair next to me and puts his hand on my shoulder.

"Christian, I am at loss of words and my heart is broken. I can't believe I was so blind to let you be abused again. I'm sorry. I...I'm..." Grace sobs uncontrollably.

"Mom please, this is not your fault. I know it doesn't make sense, but Elena did set me on a straight path, it's gotten me to where I am in life, all the money and success was because she taught me control."

"DON'T YOU DARE DEFEND HER." Grace raises her voice. Fuck, she is going to kill me. This is the end. "Money and success doesn't mean jack shit when you break the spirit of a beautiful girl who has brought so much light into our lives." Grace never swears.

"Honey, let's take some time to process all of this, I'm sure Christian is already dealing with enough given what happened." Dad tries to save me. This has never happened, it's always been the other way around.

Grace gets up and leaves.

"Son, I appreciate how difficult it was for you to tell us this. Know that as your parents we've only ever wanted the best for the three of you and have wanted to protect you so this really comes as a shock. You never let us in and when you met Ana, it was the first time we felt like we could breathe easy. We saw a light in you like never before. Grace and I have worried about you for years because we just wanted you to be able to experience all the joys in life that we did. The joy of being in love, finding a companion for life and having children, it doesn't get any simpler than that." Dad rubs my shoulder.

"I understand that now dad. I'm really sorry for worrying you all these years. For all the trouble and disappointment I've caused. I hope you both can forgive me. I'm really trying to change, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get Ana back and move forward in a meaningful way." I look back at him.

"Just don't fuck it up again, trust me, I once blew it with Grace early on in our relationship and she made my life a living hell for a while. I vowed to never fuck up again. When you find the right one, you hold on and do whatever you can to make it work." He smiles back at me and stands.

"Thanks Dad, I really needed this." I say as I get up.

"I know I've always just lectured you and yelled at you, but I'm so proud of you as well. Yeah you fucked up but just make it right, son. I'm always here to talk, whenever you need it. And if you want to go after Elena, I will do whatever I can to help because there is no way I am letting that wretched, vile woman go." He pulls me in for a hug, again something like this has rarely ever happened. Only Ana can make this happen for us even in the darkest of times.

"Dad, I will take care of Elena. You don't have to worry about that anymore. I will reach out should I need help."

Dad starts to speak but then stops and nods his head.

...

John arrives at around 4:45pm. He meets with Grace, Kate and I and we discuss how to help Ana.

"Ms. Kavanagh, can you please tell me how long Ana has been in therapy for and how frequently she's been seeing her current therapist?" John asks.

"Dr. Flynn, please call me Kate. Ana hasn't really been able to regularly see her therapist since June. She lost her first job and then when she finally got the job at GEH there was a big family wedding that she was prepping for and financially it was difficult for her to pay for sessions. She had to choose between physical fitness or therapy and she chose physical fitness. When she got back from the wedding, it was the fact that she had to pay outstanding bills so she's maybe been to therapy 4-5 times since June I'd say."

"I see. So she hasn't discussed her new relationship with Christian professionally it seems." John muses.

"No she hasn't. She's been really happy otherwise, we've seen a new side of her." Kate shares.

"Christian has told me a little bit about her background in terms of the trauma she's suffered in addition to the information you shared with him. There is a chance that Ana may not want to speak with me at all. I will try my best but we can't push her. At this point, it will have to be gentle nudges to get her back to a sense of normalcy."

"I agree. I hope she does speak with you, otherwise you're right, we'll just have to keep trying." Kate agrees. "I'll take you upstairs to her room."

Grace and I follow John and Kate up the stairs to Ana's room. We hear the faint sound of singing. The door is slightly open. She's still sitting at the bay window in the same position, looking out. She looks a little frail. We get closer and I can finally make out what she's singing;

A simple change of heart and you attack
All the roses in my garden fade to black,
I won't take you back.

The words cut through me like a knife. She doesn't want me back.

Kate stops us right before the door. "Dr. Flynn, sometimes the only way I can tell how she's feeling is by the songs she'll sing. Sometimes she has no memory of what she's singing, it's just the way her brain processes the emotions she's feeling. She's been singing those lines on and off since yesterday. She's barely spoken to me. She just nods or shakes her head when answering a question. In addition, it's the anniversary of her father's death and her accident on Thursday. It's usually a very difficult day for her, I was hoping if you could come by that day too?"

"Thank you for telling me, this helps too. If you remember anything else please do feel free to share and yes, I'm available to come by for a session on Thursday, we'll decide a time before we leave."

Kate then leads John into the room while Grace and I wait at the door.

"Steele, Dr. Flynn is here to see you. He's a therapist and I think I'd be good for you to talk a little bit about what you're feeling. We just want you to feel better." Kate says as she runs her hand through Ana's hair.

Ana hangs her head low and nods. Kate leans in and kisses her temple. "I'm going to go and make you some tea okay? Dr. Flynn, would you like some tea or coffee?"

"I'll have whatever Ana is having." Dr. Flynn smiles.

Kate walks out and we close the door behind her as we exit. Grace, even though she's fucking pissed at me, pats my shoulder. I walk to my bedroom that's down the hall from the guest room and lie on the bed. Fuck, what could they be talking about? I just want her to feel better already. I don't want to see her broken like this. Fuck, I wish I could turn back time.

APOV

Kate walks out of the room and Dr. Flynn pulls a chair closer to where I am. I can see him from the corner of my eye. He's in his late 40's with a British accent, round glasses. He's well dressed and speaks with warmth and I feel a little better.

"Ana, how are you feeling today?"

I shrug. "I'm alive and breathing." I feel dead inside.

"I understand that it's been a difficult few days and that this week is also the anniversary of your accident and the death of your father."

Tears start to fall from my eyes. I can barely manage to get a word out. "Yes."

"I'm here to listen, whatever you'd like to talk about, even if it's about this awful Seattle weather, I'm here. I want you to feel that this is a comfortable space for you to explore and analyze your thoughts."

"Thank you." I give him a small smile and resume looking out the window. I don't even know where to start. I don't know if I want to talk. What's the point, it doesn't change anything.

"If it's difficult to find a starting point, would you mind my asking you some questions?"

"Okay."

"Can you describe in one word how you feel about what happened on Friday?"

"Betrayal."

"I understand. Would you have felt the same way had Christian told you this information himself rather than it being told to you by someone else?"

"I don't know about that. I can't explore that possibility given what has happened. It's futile."

"For argument's sake, why not try?" Dr. Flynn probes.

Now I'm pissed and annoyed. I straighten myself and I can't help but raise my voice a little. "Sure, why not, let's waste time talking about an opportunity that I will never get. Yes, I'd be pissed. Would I have reacted the same way? I don't fucking know but at least I would have been getting the truth from the source and not some sad excuse of a woman who preyed on a 15 year old boy and turned him into a fucked up monster." Tears sting my eyes and I am seething, as I look Dr. Flynn in the eye.

"Do you fear Christian now?"

I keep my eyes fixed on him. "Yes, he scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be near him. He will hurt me. Every man I have loved or who has claimed to love me has let me down in some way. They have died on me, left me, raped me or lied to me and to top it all off now I find out he wanted to beat the shit out of me with whips and canes. I'm fucking done with all this shit. Now, if you'll excuse me, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Please leave me alone." I look back outside of the window. I can't stop crying and shivering. Fuck this shit. I didn't sign up for any of this.

Dr. Flynn gets up and leaves the room.

CPOV

I hear the door to Ana's room open and I bolt up to go into the hallway. John makes his way to the stairs. He was in there for less than 10 minutes. What happened?

"John, everything okay? She didn't say anything?

"Let's talk downstairs."

We go into the kitchen where Kate is preparing a tray with tea. She gives us a puzzled look. "Did Ana not speak with you?"

"She did. She said a lot in the few minutes of us speaking but she asked me to leave. She has a lot of anger in her. She's angry and hurt and she's conflating her feelings of what happened on Friday with the upcoming death anniversary and other traumas."

"I see." Kate murmurs.

"It's good she got this out as well. It will help her feel better. I'll come by again on Thursday, we might fare better then." John gives an assuring smile.

"Christian, can we speak for a minute privately?" John looks to me.

I take him into Dad's study and close the door.

"John, have I really fucked this up beyond repair?" I look at him, almost begging him for a sign of hope.

"Christian, the timing of what happened is not ideal. I can't tell you exactly what she said but I think we should maybe try and have you in her session for Thursday, just for a bit. Right now, she needs an understanding of why these past relationships appealed to you; I'm talking about it outside of your relationship with Elena. You need to tell Ana about your birth mother. You need to be transparent with her. She needs a reference point to shed the image she has of you in her mind after this revelation."

"She thinks I'm a monster, doesn't she?"

"She needs time Christian, time and open conversation."

I nod as I try to get rid of the lump in my throat. I walk John to the car and he leaves with Ryan.

Ana doesn't come down for dinner. Elliot has decided to move back in till the New Year, to help Kate and Mia with Ana. Grace asks me to stay as well, I tell her I'm not sure it's a good idea given Ana's reaction towards me. I tell her, I'll try but and we'll take it on a day by day basis.

Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

CPOV

I head into the office again. It's fairly quiet; just a few people are in. I try to focus on work but my mind keeps thinking about Ana. She's in every facet of my life. Personally and professionally, I can't help but think about her. Every place reminds me of her. I decide that I'll spend time at Grace's till the New Year, I need to do whatever it takes to get Ana back.

I text Gail and ask her to pack me clothes till the New Years, along with Ana's christmas present in my top desk drawer in the study and I tell her to take the week off since I'll be at Mom and Dad's.

CG: How is Ana doing?

MG: She's doing a little better. She had breakfast and is talking a little; Elliot got her to laugh a bit so there is hope.

CG: Thanks for letting me know. I just want her to get better.

MG: We all do. Will we see you at dinner tonight?

CG: Yes, I'm going to move in for the holidays till the New Years.

MG: AWESOME. I'm going to organize game night.

CG: In that case, I may reconsider my decision now.

MG: Don't even think about it! See you soon.

The thought makes me smile. Mia's game nights always end in disaster, with Elliot and I cursing each other into oblivion, mostly because Elliot is a sore and shitty loser. That may bring Ana out of her shell, she has a special bond with him.

I leave work at around 3pm and tell Taylor I won't need personal security for the next couple of days. I make the drive up to Mom and Dad's and let Ros and Andrea know that I'm available to come in for emergencies otherwise I'm available online for any meetings etc.

APOV

Grace made me pancakes for breakfast. It makes me wish Nita and Nani were here. She's been so good to me. It makes me uncomfortable and I don't deserve her love. I've been nothing but a broken mess whenever she's seen me.

I'm lying in bed trying to sleep, last night was difficult being in a new place. My body missed Christian, I hate that it betrays me. I love him and fear him; it's tearing me apart to have these conflicting feelings within me. This entire house is warm and full of love and I feel so uneasy. I hear a knock on the door and look to see who it is, Grace peers in with a smile.

"Ana dear, may I come in?"

"Of course, please. Come sit with me." I smile at her and get up to make room for her to sit with me on the bed.

"I hope you don't mind, I wanted to get a chance to speak with you while things are a little quiet right now."

"Sure, I'm happy you're here." I give her a genuine smile.

"Yes, I wanted to check in on you and apologize for whatever Christian did." She looks down at her hands.

"Grace, please don't. It's not your fault. He was taken advantage of and then... Christian is a grown man and responsible for his own actions after a certain point." I hold her hand and she sobs.

"I didn't protect him when he needed it most and now he's hurt so many people and most of all he's hurt you and I am sorry."

I move in to hug her. I can't imagine what she feels and it makes me cry. "Grace, despite it all, I still love him. He's the love of my life but I can't reconcile all that I have learned recently. I've been through so much physical and emotional pain in my life that I'm just so tired. I am barely holding on. I need time. I don't know if I can forgive him."

"I understand. I wanted to let you know what we will do whatever we can to help and be there for you both. No matter what you decide." She places her hand on my face and I lean into her warm touch.

"Thank you, Grace. I cannot ever repay you for how you've taken care of me."

"I can't repay you for the light I've seen in Christian's eyes. I always wanted to see him in a happy and loving relationship and he got that with you, I finally got to see my beautiful boy for who he truly could be." She smiles back at me and I nod, looking down. I can't look her in the eye. I can't talk about this anymore.

She kisses my forehead and tells me she's going to check on dinner. I lie back down in bed and try to sleep but I can't. Her words echo in my brain. Memories of Carmel by the sea, the golden hour light, his kisses on my skin, they all come back to me. I need to distract myself. I decide to get up and explore the house a bit. Kate and Elliot have gone to the supermarket to get some supplies for our TV show marathon for the next couple of days and Mia is downstairs with Grace helping out with dinner.

I exit the room and walk down the hallway to the open bedroom at the end. I look in and it's a nautical themed room. The walls are a sea, teal like blue with white linens on the bed and dark hard wood floors and furniture. I walk in and go to see the picture frames. It's Christian's room, I realize. I see pictures of him on family trips, with Mia and Elliot in front of Mount Rushmore, at the Grand Canyon, even in front of the Taj Mahal. He's been to India before? I feel a little jealous. He doesn't smile much but Elliot and Mia beam in all the pictures. I come across a picture of him as a young child with Mia in his lap. It makes me tear up. He was such a beautiful boy with the most adorable smile. What happened to him? That woman took away his innocence and turned him into this closed off man who deprived himself of happiness for so long and in doing so, hurt so many women.

His study table is full of different miniature wood models of planes and boats. Some in a bottle and some are on stands. I see a telescope by his window and look through it. I walk around and go through his bookshelf and notice his UFC posters. Of course he was into that, my hot broody teen who wanted to break stuff. He has all these eclectic tastes and he never shared any of this with me, maybe I was just too much for him. Always bombarding him with myself that he never to a chance to tell me anything. I see his high school yearbook and pull it out of the bookshelf and sit on the floor by the foot of the bed and go through it. He has no written farewell messages; I guess he never got his signed. I never got that experience myself. After I recovered from my accident, I took my GED and focused on getting into college. I put on my airpods and play some music and start to go through the yearbook.

CPOV

I get to Mom and Dad's and leave my bag at the bottom of the staircase and head into the kitchen to say hi to Mom.

"Hey mom, I decided to take your advice and will stay here till New Years." I tell her.

"I'm glad Christian, I haven't had my little gang stay for more than a weekend since you and Elliot graduated college." She smiles and Mia claps her excitement. I try to smile.

"How is Ana doing?" I ask.

"I spoke with her this afternoon, we had a normal conversation but of course she needs time. She's in her room taking a nap" Grace tells me.

I nod. "I'm going to go upstairs and drop off my bag and will see you in a bit."

I go up the stairs with my bag and walk to my room and see Ana on the floor by the foot of the bed, lightly humming and singing. Fuck. What is she doing here?

And you didn't mean to do it
So I don't have to believe it
If you didn't really mean it
Then magical thinking gets us by

My fairweather friend
Fairweather friend

I swallow. I call out to her and she doesn't respond. Odd. I call her again and she doesn't respond. I walk a little closer to her and see she's going through my yearbook and she's looking for my yearbook picture no doubt. Little does she know I never showed up for that shit. I had no interest in all that trivial bullshit.

I take another step towards her to tap her shoulder and before I can touch her she suddenly senses me and looks up, drops the yearbook and bolts away in fear, trying to stand up as she puts distance between us. She takes off her airpods and shoves them into her pocket.

"Please... don't... touch... me... I.. I..." She's shivering and tears are falling from her eyes.

"Ana, baby, I would never hurt you. I was calling you and you didn't hear me." I try to explain but she shivering uncontrollably.

She starts to look around as if to try and escape. Fuck she's scared of me. No baby, please don't be scared, I could never hurt you that way.

"Baby, please don't be afraid of me. Ana, I would never hurt you like that. Please believe me." I plead.

"I want to leave." She cries.

"Okay, listen, I'm going to go into the hallway and stand by the stairs okay, they are a considerable distance from this room and guest room where you're staying. I'll stand there and you can go into your room. Or do you want to go downstairs?" I ask her.

"Room." She says trembling.

"Okay, I'm going to walk out and you leave whenever you're comfortable okay?"

She nods.

I walk out towards the stairs, I'm not even halfway down the hallway when I hear her run to the room and slam the door and lock it. Fuck, she doesn't trust me. She hates me; she thinks I'm a monster. It feels like a knife twisting in my heart.

I head back into the kitchen and I see Kate putting ice-cream away and she clocks my worried expression. She comes to me and signals me to meet her in the living room.

"What happened Christian?"

"I went to put my bag in my room and Ana was sitting on the floor by the bed with her back to the door. She couldn't hear me, she had her headphones in, and when I got close to her she got scared and thought I was going to hurt her. I told her, I'd never hurt her like that. I walked out in to the hallway and told her she could head back in to her room whenever she felt comfortable. As soon as I left, she ran into the room and slammed the door and locked it."

She looks down and takes a deep breath. "Okay, I'm going to go and check up on her. She just needs time."

After a while I head back upstairs to take a shower and change. I pass by Ana's room, the door is slightly open and I see Ana in bed crying in Kate's embrace as she runs her hand through her hair and Mia rubs her back.

I want to be there for her. I want to heal her like she heals me. I want to kiss her pain away.

We all settle in for dinner and Kate brings Ana down. Elliot and I sit together with Mom and Dad at the head of the table. Kate, Ana and Mia take their seats opposite us with Ana sitting closest to Mom.

Everyone makes small talk, Ana and I remain quiet. I see her pick at her food and eat very little. She barely looks up. Suddenly Dad calls out to Ana and she looks up towards him.

"Ana, I wanted to ask, was it hard learning the language when you were adopted by Kiran's family?"

She smiles a little "I actually don't remember that part, I mean I feel like I've always known the language."

"The song you sang at the hindu ceremony, I actually recorded a little of it and played it for one of my associates in the office, he's Pakistani. He told me it wasn't hindi but it was Punjabi."

"Oh yes, that particular song is Sikh Punjabi, I can understand a bit of it but not speak it that well. Regular Punjabi I fully understand and can speak quite a bit but obviously not as well as everyone else in the family.'

"There's actually a song I came across in my youth, it's by this woman, I will probably butcher her name, it's khanum something."

"Farida Khanum?"

"YES!" Carrick smiles.

"She's a very popular Pakistani singer, she mostly sings ghazals which are essentially poems." She smiles back.

"There's one that she sang, I can't make out the words since but I remember the tune, I've always wanted to know what it means?"

"I'd love to hear it once we're done with dinner and if I know it, I'd be happy to translate it for you." She beams. I see a little bit of the girl I fell in love with again.

"Did you have formal training in singing?" Carrick asks, trying to keep the conversation going. I give him a look but he doesn't catch my stare, I don't want Ana to get sad again.

"A little bit. When I was in recovery and gotten about 75% of my speech back, Kiran and her brother noticed that my voice changed significantly from before, especially my speaking voice. I didn't sound like this at all. I used to sound like a pipsqueak." She giggles. "They said I now had weight to my voice and so they started to teach me how to sing classically, I mean you heard their voices, they have amazing range and they've been learning since they were kids from proper instructors in India. They taught me a bit but on my 21st birthday, my cousin Karan, he sang with me on the sangeet... he has an incredible voice, the best in the family in fact... He got me skype lessons for 3 months with his instructor and that helped me significantly but I still have a lot to learn." She smiles.

"That's incredible. Which do you prefer to sing?"

"Definitely eastern music. Some of the songs I've heard, I never been able to find a western music equivalent... it's just on a completely different wavelength."

"I agree, we had a sufi singer come and give a presentation at our college once and it was hynoptic."

"Oh definitely. No doubt about it. For example, you can sing one sentence over and over again and each time it can feel different, or mean something different, just by the way it's sung."

"I've read a lot about music helping in recovery, would you agree that it helped you?" Grace asks.

"Definitely, I mean during both physical and speech therapy. Sometimes it felt like, my brain telling my hand to move wouldn't at all work but as soon as there was music, I'd be able to move and that helped tremendously. So, when I did finally gain access to my voice, I'd always be humming just to trick myself into being able to move." Ana says wistfully. My beautiful girl went through so much.

"That's such an incredible recovery to make." Grace says with affection.

I sense Ana's discomfort as she nods but she still smiles back. "Grace, do you sing?"

"Oh god no, I'm horrible. Carrick used to be in an acapella group in college."

Ana immediately looks at him smiling "Really? Oh, you must sing me something then!"

Carrick laughs "My voice isn't what it used to be."

"I highly doubt it, I still want to hear a song!" Ana giggles "So tell me, did you woo Grace by serenading her throughout campus?"

We all laugh and Grace sneers "He was such a nerd, I wouldn't give him the time of day."

"I tried but Miss Trevelyan had high standards." Carrick snaps back with a laugh. "I got her in the end though" he looks at mom lovingly as she winks back at him.

Ana looks back at Grace, "that's right girl, make him work for it."

"Oh honey, I did." She winks and Ana laughs and we all join in.

Ana starts to feel better as her and Elliot spar and make fun of each other, she hits him back every time. He's met his match. She doesn't look at me. She ignores me the entire time. It fucking stings but at least she's feeling a little better.

After dinner, we all end up in the kitchen to make coffee and tea and Carrick takes Ana up on her offer to translate the song. He hums the tune and Ana smiles at him.

"I know the song, it's in Urdu actually, I can't remember all the lyrics but I can translate the main gist of it. It's poem that can be viewed as political commentary or a love story. It just depends on the situation you're in. It's actually my grandfather's favorite and he always makes Karan sing it for him. I actually have a video of it. Hold on."

She takes out her phone and quickly searches through and stands next to Carrick and plays the video. Karan's voice sounds amazing. Ana proceeds to translate the song.

Dil jalane ki baat karte ho

Aashiyaane ki baat karte ho

Saari duniya ke -o-ghum dekar

Saari duniya ke -o-ghum dekar

Muskuraane ki baat karte ho

Muskuraane ki baat karte ho

You tell me things that burn and break my heart

You tell me we should build a home here

You give me all the world's grief and sadness and tell me to smile.

Todani hai humein jahan ki rasam

Todani hai humein jahan ki rasam

Tum nibhaane ki baat karte ho

Tum nibhaane ki baat karte ho

Dil jalane ki baat karte ho

Aashiyaane ki baat karte ho

We have to go against the world and break tradition

But you say we need to fall in line and follow

You tell me things that burn and break my heart

You tell me we should build a home here

Each line hits me as she translates it. She might as well be slapping me in the face.

"Oh, I didn't know it meant something so sad." Carrick looks serious.

"That's the thing about south Asian songs, they're so incredibly sad and layered. The English translations don't do them justice. A lot of it is in the way they words are sung."

"Most definitely, it's just a completely different way of singing. Some of the notes you hit and hold, I couldn't even try it. That song all you cousins sang on the first night. At the end when you and Karan sang, I can't even try to sing like that. It was... beautiful."

"Awww. Thank you. That means so much. You kind of have to sing from your gut, it takes a lot out of me sometimes to sing some of the songs that I love because they demand that emotion and power from you even if it's a whisper it requires its pound of flesh to do it justice. Western songs in comparison, I can just randomly sing them without really digging in too deep. It's light like cotton candy." She laughs.

"You need to educate me more on this, we need to block out a day where you teach me all about this. I want to learn." Carrick asks her.

She puts her hand forward for a shake "Deal." Carrick shakes her hand and they laugh. I see Kate smile at the exchange; she looks visibly relaxed as well seeing Ana back to herself.

"Okay now you have to sing me a song." Ana reminds him.

"Yeah dad, sing us a song." Mia pipes up.

Carrick gets a little shy and asks Ana what classic she'd like to hear.

Ana takes a moment to think and asks Dad to sing, "Dream A little dream of Me"

She hums along as he sings, walking towards Grace and dances with her. Dad really does have a good voice, he's barely ever sung for us. Again, only Ana can get everyone to open up.

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me

Say "Night-ie night" and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading, but I linger on, dear
Still craving your kiss
I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you

He twirls Grace and Ana laughs and claps along with Kate and Mia as they sing along too. It's such a beautiful moment. God, why did I fuck this up?

But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading, but I linger on, dear
Still craving your kiss
I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Once dad is done singing the song, we all shower him with applause and Ana cheers.


Wednesday, December 25th, 2019.

CPOV

Ever since I can remember, I've loathed Christmas morning, actually all the holidays in general. I have loathed them. What's the point? It's all manufactured emotional crap to get people to spend obscene amounts of money. This year was going to be different, I kind of looked forward to it. Ana changed that in me. Decorating the tree with her and the thought of waking up with her on Christmas morning and being with the love of my life, it meant more. My life would be more. Except, here I am, in my parent's house with the love of my life in another room who thinks I'm a monster. I'm walking on fucking eggshells.

I get up and get dressed to take on another day of emotional beating from Ana. As fucking painful it is, at least she's here and in front of me. I'd still rather be here than alone at Escala.

I come out of my room just as Elliot does the same. We walk down the stairs towards the dining room and the whole house smells of cookies and breakfast food. Ana's baking?

We walk into the kitchen and see Dad by the kitchen bay window, sitting with Ana as she takes cookies out of the baking tray and arranges them on a plate.

"What's your favorite Christmas song?" Ana asks Dad.

"So many, I really liked Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire by Nat King Cole though. What about you?" Carrick smiles back at her, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Same here, my dad really loved Nat King Cole and was obsessed with Natalie Cole. He wanted to marry her I think, too bad she was like 20ish years older than him." Ana giggles "I grew up with her tribute album, unforgettable; with love, playing in the house allllll the time. I've memorized every song. As far as Christmas songs go, I really like Carol of the Bells but no real favorites otherwise but I'll sing to them whenever I hear it on the radio."

"ooooh I love that one too." Mia chimes in.

"Have you heard the rendition by the Bird and the Bee, it's so good!" She looks back to Mia smiling and suddenly sees Elliot and I standing by the island and her face falls a little. She immediately goes quiet. I walk out and Elliot follows me into the living room. He rubs my shoulder "Give her time, she's gotten much better than last week."

"Thanks Elliot, you're right, it just fucking hurts. I realize I need to go through this but fuck... man."

He silently nods.

"Breakfast is ready." Grace calls out from the kitchen.

We all take our seats, Ana sits in between Kate and Mia opposite Elliot and I with mom and dad in their respective seats.

Ana keeps doesn't talk much again, only speaks when spoken to like myself. She has her hair braided and swept to the side. Face sans makeup, with her beautiful blue eyes that have not met sleep and have been crying for days. She's in a red cardigan that's tucked into her faded blue jeans that are ripped at the knees. She's wearing a gold necklace with a locket that she plays with ever so often. She's hasn't worn it before, I suspect it's the necklace that Kate told me about. She misses her dad immensely.

"Ana, what family traditions did you have at Christmas?" Grace asks.

"Nothing fancy. When it was just my dad, and I we'd go to the neighborhood pancake place... I inherited his obsession for pancakes. We'd sometimes try our hand at ice fishing. " She says softly as she plays with her necklace. "And then when he married Nita, she joined us too but because Nita's Muslim she didn't really celebrate Christmas but she would always make us a nice dinner and we'd play board games like the nerds we are." She giggles.

"Steele, what games did you play?" Elliot asks.

"Monopoly and it always ended in bloodshed because I'm a sore, crying loser who always lost all her money." She laughs and I can't help but smile.

"Then you'll be perfect for our game night tradition." Mia chimes in. "It gets super heated and it's so much fun to watch Elliot and Christian beat the crap out of each other over trivial stuff."

"Ever since Ana and I became friends, she's spent Christmas with me since Nita and Nani fly out to India for the wedding season and holidays." Kate mentions. "So it was always us girls and we'd have our own little party." Ana nods gives Kate a heartwarming smile and it makes me wish I were on the receiving end of it.

"Wedding season in December?" Carrick asks.

"Oh yes, since the summers are insanely hot in that part of the world, wedding season starts from end of November and ends around the third week of January. After dad passed away and I started college, I felt bad for making Nita stay with me, she went through a lot with the loss of Ray and my recovery so it was good for her to get out and be in a place where it hurt a little less but we're in constant communication and always do something to honor him even if we're far away from each other" She shrugs and smiles a little.

"I understand, you seem to have a wonderful relationship with her." Carrick smiles.

"She let me call her mama and always treated me like her own." Ana says with tears forming in her eyes and excuses herself for a minute.

Kate gets up to go after her and Elliot stops her. "I'll go, you've done a lot, finish your breakfast, babe."

Elliot leaves and follows Ana upstairs. I feel a surge of self-loathing. I can barely eat.

"Christian?" Kate calls out to me.

"I know this is difficult for you as well but trust me this is progress. She's actually talking. She never used to do that before during this time of the holidays" I nod silently and excuse myself. I go up the stairs and wait outside the guest bedroom door that's open. I hear Elliot and Ana talking, he hugs her as they sit on the bed facing towards the window.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to dampen the mood at breakfast on Christmas morning. You guys really got the shitty end of the stick with me." Ana says crying.

"Shut the fuck up Steele, you're the best and one of us now and you have every right to express your emotions as you feel them and I know this is a difficult time for you given what tomorrow means." Elliot lovingly scolds her.

"It just hurts. I know I'm strong but I feel like all my emotions are off balance since last week. I keep thinking about our time at Carmel by the Sea, I want to go back to that so bad Elliot. I keep dreaming about that day. It was perfect and now everything is just a mess and I can't seem to find my way back."

"Listen, I know what Christian did was a fucked up and trust me, we've all given him a piece of our mind."

"Wait, everyone knows?"

"Yeah, he told us, well Mia is still in the dark but everyone else yes. I'm surprised Mom and Dad haven't completely lost their minds. I sure as hell wanted to kill him for a second but he's also my kid brother, I can't help but love him and want to protect him. I wish I had known back then, I would've beaten the shit out of him and killed that bitch."

"From what he tells me, he would beat the shit out of you quite often." She giggles.

"Well, I was a bit of an asshole back then, I'd do a lot of shit to get on his nerves but only to get his attention and then I'd suffer his wrath." Elliot laughs. I can't help but smirk. He was such a douche back then but he always had my back. I've never doubted that.

"Elliot, I know nothing about him. I mean, I learned way more from just sitting in his room for 10 minutes. He won't open up to me. I so desperately want to know about him and love him. He knows everything about me and sometimes I feel like I'm just staring into a black hole. He's afraid to tell me things and I don't know what else I can do to make him feel safe and now this shit. I can't handle it. How do I know he won't hurt me?" She sobs.

"I'm sorry Ana, I wish I could make it better for the both of you. Listen, as hard as this is on you, it's hard on him too. He knows he fucked up and I know he's willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. And don't worry the fucker won't hurt you or he'll have to deal with me."

"I'm not sure it can work."

"Give it time? Don't make any final decisions right now."

"Okay, I'll try."

Fuck, fuck, FUCK, she doesn't want this anymore. She doesn't want me.

"Want to hear something funny?" Ana asks.

"Sure."

"When Christian and I first got together, he told me he thought you and I were a thing cause we were so familiar with each other on the first day at the wedding." Ana laughs out loud and Elliot joins her as they howl.

"Yeah well, that's what he gets for not coming to Cabo. Man, that weekend was epic."

"Yeah it was. By the way, I totally thought you were super cute but I'm also not into blondes so I passed you along to Kate." Ana giggles.

"Yeah I'm not into brunettes either." Elliot sneers.

I hear Mia come up and walk towards me. She gives me a hug. "espionnez-vous votre petite amie?" Are you spying on your girlfriend?

"elle me déteste donc je ne pense pas qu'elle est ma petite amie en ce moment." She hates me so I don't think she's my girlfriend right now. I whisper.

"We're about to open presents so go downstairs. I'm going to go in and tell these two as well."

I walk back down and take a seat on the big couch in the living room. I have Ana's gift but I'm not sure on how to give it to her. I don't want to give it in front of everyone.

"Kate, could I speak with you for a moment?"

"Yeah, sure thing."

I walk her to the sunroom that's adjacent to the kitchen.

"I got a gift for Ana for Christmas. I've never really done something like that for someone outside of family and it would mean a lot to me if I could have 5 minutes with her."

Kate smiles at me. "Okay, I'll talk to her and we'll see how she feels about it. I can't make any promises."

"I understand."

Kate and I walk back to the living room and take our seats. We hear Elliot and Ana come into the room right after us. Ana is carrying presents. Five identical boxes wrapped in plain dark green wrapping paper with a cream white ribbon tied around them. She places them on the coffee table.

"Oh honey, you didn't have to get us anything." Grace tells her.

"It's just a little thank you for everything you've done for me. Besides, they've been sitting all wrapped up for a week, I've been dying to give them to you guys." She giggles.

We all go for the gifts under the tree. Grace gets Ana, Kate and Mia spa reservations to the Fairmont for their next hangout. They squeal and giggle and start to make plans after giving Grace big embarrassing bear hugs. Mom gets me, dad and Elliot scarves. I honestly don't know why she insists on getting us gifts. It gets old really quickly.

Elliot gets Mom a perfume and Dad box seats to the next Mariner's game. To say he's over the moon would be an understatement. Kate gets a pair of diamond earrings. He really is serious about her. I guess she too is on the way to becoming family. Mia gets prepaid giftcard to Neimans since he knows she's impossible to please with a gift.

"This better have at least $1000 on it Elliot." Mia laughs. Elliot rolls his eyes.

"Steele, I think you're really going to like your gift." Elliot teases. Ana looks a little embarrassed and takes the box from him.

She opens it with such grace trying not to rip the wrapping paper too much. As soon she takes off the wrapping paper and opens the box she squeals and starts to laugh out loud. It's a karaoke microphone.

She unboxes it and turns it on. "Now I'm never gonna shut up." She sings into it and we all laugh. "Thank you Elliot bhai." Elliot winks at her.

Mia gets Kate and Ana matching bracelets to celebrate their sisterhood. It's adorable to watch them wear them and take a selfie holding up their wrists.

I'm the grump who didn't get anyone presents and as a result everyone knows not to ask me. I show up whenever I'm needed, this trivial stuff isn't my forte.

Kate gets Mom and dad a couples cooking class to learn how to make pasta from scratch. Grace loves it.

Mia gets a backstage pass to join Kate at the Golden Globes and she's over the moon.

"Okay so, not to make this awkward but I got this like 2 weeks ago for both Ana and Christian since Ana has always wanted to go and I'm not sure now but Christian, here. Take it." I take the envelope from here thank her before opening it. It's two tickets to a hot air balloon festival in the spring.

Ana and I exchange a look but she quickly looks away and hugs Kate. "That was very thoughtful Kate."

"Everyone, please continue. I just realized I was supposed to call Nita about 20 minutes ago. I haven't spoken to her since Monday night." She smiles and leaves the room.

I look at Kate "it's okay, she just needs a minute to breathe." She tells me.

Ana's gifts are the last to be opened. I'm nervous as fuck about how this will go.

All the gifts have cards neatly taped to them, our names written in calligraphy. Is there anything she can't do?

We all take our respective presents and proceed to open them one by one. Ana has given us all 8x12 framed images of us from the wedding. Each card has a letter from her.

Grace begins to cry and shows us the picture. It's a black and white image of her and Dad from Friday night where Mom is looking at Dad with tears in her eyes as he kisses her hand. It's so beautiful. She begins to read the letter.

"Grace and Carrick, words cannot express how happy I am to have met you. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives and raising such exceptional children who have brought so much love and joy into mine... you both will always have a special place in my heart.

Love,

Ana."

Mia shows us her picture, it's a black and white image of Mia standing in the middle as Ana and Kate laugh and look at her lovingly. Mia reads the letter Ana wrote with tears in her eyes.

"Mia, I've always wanted a baby sister and while we are only a year apart, I'll never not stop being a big know it all sister and loving you. Thank you for always indulging me and showing me such love and affection. I love you to the moon and back.

Love,

Ana"

Fuck. I don't know if I'll be able to hold it together listening to everyone else's letters.

"Damn, if she makes me cry with her letter ima be so pissed." Elliot half laughs and chokes. He opens his present and it's a black and white image of him and Kate kissing on the dance floor. It's an incredible image. Elliot and Kate beam as they look at it and give each other a kiss.

"Elliot Bhai,

When I met you in Cabo, I instantly knew you were family. Thank you for making me feel safe and always matching my level of party in our little group. Thank you for being the best big brother a girl could ask for and count on.

Love,

Ana"

Elliot wipes a tear. "God dammit. She did it again." We all laugh. I can feel a lump form in my throat.

Kate is already crying as she opens her gift. It's a black and white image of Ana looking at Kate as they sit on one chair in robes, confetti flying everywhere and Kate laughing in the direction of the camera. It's such an editorial shot.

"Kate,

I know we always said we were never going to exchange gifts on Christmas but this year has been life changing in so many ways, both good and bad. You have been my rock through out. I could never have gotten through these past 4 years without you. You have given me strength when I had none, shown me light in the darkest of times and pushed me to be the best version of myself in the face of all odds. I say that you're my sister but what we have is much more than that. It's an unbreakable bond. You are irreplaceable to me. Nani taught me the meaning of life but I finally understood it because of your love and friendship. I am forever in your debt.

Love,

Ana."

Kate and Mia break out in to full blown sobs. Elliot's face is tense as he puts his hand on Kate's shoulder. Carrick wipes a tear and hugs Grace. Fuck, she's got us all in tears. I look down and try to control myself but I can feel my eyes burn.

They all look to me, wanting to see my picture. I unwrap the present and see an image of Ana and I dancing from the wedding. It's a black and white black lit image of Ana and I looking into each other's eyes, her face beaming at me as I smile down at her. People surround us but the focus is solely on us. She didn't show me this last week; I guess she was saving it for today. I rub my forehead and excuse myself as I carry the letter and image upstairs to my room. I need privacy; I can't do this in front of them.

I pass by Ana's room and her door is closed. I walk to mine and close the door and sit on the bed. Tracing her face with my finger. She's look so fucking beautiful. She was completely mine in that moment.

I look at the envelope with my name written on it. I open it and read the letter.

"Christian,

This reminded me of a happier and simpler time. Thank you for showing me what love could be, no matter how short lived it was.

In the hush, remember us."

I feel the tears fall from my eyes. I'm such a fucking piece of shit. I blew this. I read the letter again and focus on the italicized last words in calligraphy. I take my phone out and google the words. It shows me that's it's a song by a band called aqualung. I look up to see if the song is in any of Ana's playlists and I find it. I look for my airpods and put them in and press play.

Baby don't talk, don't say anything
There's no need, to say anything
Cause lately when we talk
We just spin around
So tonight why don't we just sit and talk
Let our shadows show us what to do
What to be

And in the hush remember us
(ooh ooh ooh ooh)

Skin across my skin
Do you feel it burn
Darling
In this remembering
Rememberin' how we used to be
Oh my, how its suppose to be

And then as one we come undone
We find there's a soulful mind intertwined
And we find

That in the hush remember us
(ooh ooh ooh ooh)

Remember us

Baby don't talk, don't say anything
No need, to say anything
Cause lately when we talk
We just spin around
So tonight just set it down

I'll always remember, Ana. I promise.


Authors note: I'm not keeping them apart, at least not in the traditional way. This will of course create some more conflict so yaay for more drama but that kind that will really push them to grow.

Music:

Roses - Carly Rae Jepsen

Fairweather Friend - Vanessa Carlton

Dil Jalane ki baat - Ali Sethi

Dream a little dream of me - Doris Day

Remember Us - Aqualung.