So many incredible reviews to the last chapter. I'm sorry for making you all sad. That being said, this chapter is heavy too. Really heavy. Things will hit rock bottom in order to get better. There are a lot of questions about Ana's trauma and her need for intense therapy, her lack of money given that she comes from money, or at least that Nita does. All of those questions will be answered eventually in the many conversations that Christian and her will have. I promise you this story will have a happy ending but anything worth having requires struggle and growth.
Right now, everyone is dealing with Christian's revelations seperately and no one's really talking to each other so it may seem insensitive but hang in there.
I read some strong reactions to Ana not believing in forgiveness. I struggle with the idea of forgiveness myself, I usually just cut ties and move on. Eager to hear what the rest of you guys think.
Chapter 18 - I never meant to let you down.
Thursday, December 26th, 2019.
CPOV
Yesterday, Ana spent the rest of the day after breakfast in bed. She did not come down. Instead everyone went up to see her one by one through the idea. She'd either sleep or sit, staring outside the window barely talking. I wish I could crawl into her brain and see what was going through it and put her at ease.
Mom makes us all pancakes for breakfast as Mia and Kate help. Kate prepares a tray for Ana hoping she'll eat this time around. She ate nothing after yesterday's breakfast and it worries me. She needs to eat. She's starting to look so frail and small, my girl loves food and she's depriving herself.
"Mia, I wanted to ask a favor." Kate looks to her.
"Sure Kate, what's up?"
"I've tried everything with Ana and my usual go tos are failing, can you do Ana's hair today and a little makeup? Just coax her into it. I don't think she'll say no to you. She's never been this bad on her dad's death anniversary. Usually I've always had an itinerary where we'd do things, like a movie marathon followed by a diner run etc when we were in college, sometimes my brother would be around too but it's very different this time." Kate looks sullen as Elliot hugs her.
"Maybe we can take her somewhere? Flynn will be here at around 1pm and we can head out after her session?" I offer.
"Yeah, let's try." Kate tries to smile and picks up the tray to head upstairs to Ana's room.
After breakfast, Elliot and I head out to the backyard. It's unusually warm.
"How are you holding up bro?" Elliot asks as we walk towards the dock past the poolhouse. The best thing about the dock we built is that it's about 12 feet above the water. Growing up, Elliot and I would take turns jumping off of it in the summers. It annoyed the fuck out of Mom and Dad but the thrill of the jump always won out. I suddenly wish it was warmer. We pick up a couple of rocks along the way to throw across the water.
"I'm barely holding up Elliot. I hate seeing her like this. If a person could die from self-loathing I'd be fucking dead right now." I throw a rock with all my might.
"She loves you bro. She's just trying to process everything."
"Yeah but she doesn't want me back, it's obvious. She's fucking scared of me, thinks I'll hurt her."
"Christian, she just got hit with some pretty... I don't know man... I'm still trying to process everything myself."
I take a deep breath. "I know what you're trying to say but I want you to know I'm honestly trying to change myself. Flynn could tell you how far I've come in such a short amount of time thanks to Ana but you're right, all of this is too much for her. She's innocent and pure and she didn't deserve the darkness that comes with me."
Elliot pats my shoulder "We're all dealing with some level of darkness, I think Ana's biggest issue is that you don't open up. She wants to know you Christian, she wants to love you completely but when she gets bombarded with your truth from an unfamiliar and somewhat dangerous source... well, put yourself in her shoes, how would that feel?"
"Yeah I know. I just desperately want to find a way where we can both move forward together, with each other. I don't want to lose her Elliot. I can't, the thought of it hurts too fucking much." My voice is barely a whisper.
"Time, bro. Time. Time and patience, you gotta give her that. She's given herself to you completely, give her what she needs most right now and she'll come back." Elliot pulls me in for a hug.
We head back into the house after a while. Grace heads out to her clinic for a half-day shift, while Dad is holed up in his study making phone calls.
I head back upstairs towards my room to check on emails and any outstanding items. I pass my Ana's room. Mia's got her sitting in a chair facing the window she curls her hair. Ana is indian clothes. A crisp white embroidered shirt with the same color pants with a beautiful embroidered shawl wrapped around her. I can only see her in profile. She stares vacantly towards the window.
"Ana banana, I wish I had you hair."
"You can have it Mia, I don't want it anymore." She hangs her head low as she speaks.
Mia stops what she's doing and gives her a big hug "Don't be so sad, please Ana. Listen, how about we go to the pool house. It's really warm today and you should see mom's indoor garden oasis, you'll love it." Mia excitedly tells her as she kisses her cheek and Ana gives a small smile.
I grab my things and head down to the living room and work from the sofa. Elliot sits across from me and we both have our feet on the coffee table.
"Bro, mom will kill us if she catches us like this." Elliot laughs.
"What Grace won't know, won't kill her." I smirk.
I answer about 20 emails. It never stops. The more I answer the more the emails come in. I finish reading two reports and make my notes, Kate come down the stairs and join us with her laptop to get some work done as well. It's almost 12:30pm. I head to the kitchen to grab a beer and Mia and Ana walk in to head out from the back door towards to head to the pool house across the garden.
Ana's looks beautiful, tired but beautiful. She's got a little color on her cheeks and her hair has life again. She's wearing the simplest of clothes and she looks pure and angelic in her ensemble, as she stands wrapped in her shawl. She looks down, blinking sometimes closing her eyes for more than a few seconds as she waits for Mia to finish drinking a glass of water before they head out. I so badly want to hug her and kiss her but I know it's out of the question.
I see them walk out and watch Ana walk across the grass, she lifts her head to the sun as she does. I wonder what she's thinking.
I hear the front bell ring and open it to welcome Flynn.
"How is she doing?" Flynn asks as we sit in the living room for a bit with Elliot and Kate.
"Tuesday afternoon was difficult, she was in my room going through my yearbook and listening to music. She didn't hear me as I called out to her and once she sensed me nearby she got up in a panic and begged me not to touch her or hurt her. She wanted me to let her leave, which of course I did. She got a little better in the evening, she talked and laughed a bit with Dad and then yesterday during breakfast while talking about her dad and mom she got a little emotional. The presents exchange really got her though." I tell him.
"That's mostly my fault. I got her and Christian tickets to the Seattle hot air balloon festival and I think she really felt the pressure of that. She excused herself and then stayed in her room all day and night. She's barely eating or sleeping. She just lies awake. I asked Mia to do her hair and makeup today. Dr. Flynn, I've been with her for her father's death anniversary for the past 4 years and it's never been this bad. We usually always had something to do but this year, all my usual prompts and ideas are failing." Kate tears up.
"Well, she's been through something really traumatic again. It's like an emotional avalanche if you will and she's trying to dig herself out but every now and then she gets tired and gives up." Flynn says. "Where is she now?"
"Mia took her to the pool house, it's a warm day and it's a beautiful space, Mia thought she might enjoy it." I tell him.
"Okay, well let's go and talk to her there. Kate, I'm going to have Christian in today's session as well, I want to try and get her to a place where she doesn't fear him."
"Okay, if you think it will help." Kate agrees.
John and I walk out towards the pool house. The doors are slightly open and I see Ana as she sits on the edge of the empty pool with Mia's head resting on her shoulder, their feet dangling and backs to us. I hear Ana sobbing uncontrollably as Mia pulls her in closer for a hug. "I'm so sorry Ana, I wish I could take your pain away."
I take a couple of steps back, my eyes burning as I run my hands through my hair trying desperately to compose myself. John joins me. "Christian, if this is too difficult for you, let me talk to her alone."
"No, I want to talk to her. I've been aching to talk to her. I just feel like utter shit because I'm the source of all her pain right now."
We walk back to the pool house doors and knock. Mia looks back. "Oh hey Dr. Flynn, nice to see you again. Please come in."
I see Ana wipe her face and start to get up and straight herself as she turns around and sees us. She freezes momentarily and looks to Mia and Dr. Flynn.
"Ana, I hope you don't mind but I was hoping Christian could join us in our session today."
Ana swallows and nods slowly.
Mia looks at me with concern as she walks over and whispers "avoir la foi, frère." Have faith, brother. I nod and give her a small smile. She gives me a kiss on the cheek and heads out.
We take our seats on the pool chairs. We all sit perpendicular to each other. Ana of course choosing to completely ignore me.
"How are you feeling Ana?" Flynn asks.
She shrugs. "Same as when you last asked me."
"I see. By the way, I meant to mention in our last session but never got around to it, I'm also Christian's therapist."
Ana looks up to him. "He never told me."
"I'm don't exactly make for good first date conversations." John chuckles and Ana giggles.
"You're funny." She smiles back.
"Mind if I record that? My wife thinks I'm hopeless."
Ana laughs a little more and shrugs. John smiles at her.
"I was hoping we could talk a little more about what happened between you both. You said something in our last session that I think Christian needs to hear in order to understand why you feel the way you do and in turn, there are a few things that Christian would like to tell you. He had hoped to have a couples session with you in order to explain things about his past before everything happened on Friday."
She looks up at him. "What exactly about my last session would you like me to repeat?"
"You said something about the men in your life."
She takes a breath. "Well... every man that I have loved or claimed to love me in some way has been a colossal let down. They either died on me, left me, raped me, lied to me and now he tells me he loves to beat the shit out of women for sexual pleasure. I mean if you ask me, my life has peaked now and I am done. I don't want anything more going forward. I want to be alone and safe in the comfort of my little anonymous life sans Christian grey." She spits out. Her words are like a slap on the face.
"Ana it wasn't like that, please. Everything was consensual and these women had the power to tell me to stop. These arrangements were just an exchange of power."
She turns to me; eyes wide open. "OH SURE THEY DID. Like when a victim tells their abuser, 'oh please stop beating me' they just miraculously stop. Gee, didn't know all it took was asking. That woman preyed on you and completely fucked you up."
"Ana it was what I needed at the time, I was 15 years old; a walking hormonal fuckup, on the road to hell, starting fights and beating the shit out of people, next stop was drugs and then jail, possibly even death at the rate that I was going. She set me straight and ensured I got into college and the control she taught me got me to the level of success that I found today. By submitting to her I felt free, I didn't have to think about making any choices or having control" I try to reason with her.
"Are you fucking kidding me? She raped you Christian, you were a child, you needed love, not some pedophile to take advantage of you and here you won't even let me touch you. Those burn marks on your chest and back, she did that to you didn't she? And how is there freedom in not having any control over what happens to you?"
"No Ana, those marks are a result of my birth mother not giving two shits about me. She was a crack whore who let her pimp abuse me along with her daily visitors who beat me and used me as their ashtray. The only touch I ever experienced was violent and I got what I wanted from Elena, by giving up control she taught me control. To me it wasn't rape, it was what I needed and wanted."
She takes a breath and closes her eyes. Tears fall from them.
"I'm sorry about your mother, I truly am. I wish she had saved you but to say that Elena saved your life and that it wasn't rape? What kind of post-modernist bullshit are you subscribing to here? Oh she didn't step on my neck, my neck just happened to be under her fucking foot." She waves her hand dismissively. She is seething. "Grace saved your life and gave you a home and a family that loves and adores you and what you've been doing in these past few years has been a slap in her face and all she has done for you."
Her words cut through me. "At the time, it wasn't enough Ana. It just wasn't."
She stands up and turns to me "Look at me Christian. If it wasn't rape then tell me, if this happened to Mia or Elliot, would it still be okay? If I was 15 and Vishaal had done this to me then? Beat me and whipped me, even if I wanted it, would it still not be rape? Don't you understand your choice was taken from you too?"
"NO ANA IT WASN'T. I wanted it and yes I enjoyed it that's the difference. Rape is against your will but I wanted what Elena offered me. I continued on with that lifestyle because I got what I wanted in the way I wanted it. I wasn't touched and I could punish brown haired girls who looked my mother. There, happy? Those are my mommy issues." I yell back at her.
She looks back at me, shaking her head and looks away.
"Christian, please lower your voice and Ana..." Dr. Flynn calls out to her but is interrupted.
"WHAT DR. FLYNN? WHAT? What do you want me to say?" she points to me "Did he tell you he initially wanted me to be number 18 and that miraculously now he doesn't need all that shit because I've "healed him". I am not his mother, that is not my job. I barely have healed myself and now i'm back to square fucking one again. He says he craves control, I read that fucking contract, what the fuck am I supposed to do when whatever I have to offer is not enough? What is the point of my being in love with him when I'm just constantly falling to pieces? It's only a matter of time till he wakes up and realizes he wants to beat me into submission and control me." She wails burying her hands in her face as she falls back into her chair.
"Ana, baby please. I would NEVER do that to you. You are unlike anyone I have ever met. What I had before was less and I got less. With you it's more and I crave it. You don't understand how much you've changed my life since the wedding. I am calmer now, I am willing to listen, and you've helped me find control in a completely different way. You taught me all that. I could never hurt you like that. I'd rather die." I get up to try and console her and she jumps out of the chair.
"DON'T COME NEAR ME." She stands and starts taking steps back and I retreat to my chair.
"Listen, let's take a breather..." Flynn suggests.
She remains standing, her face red and tears falling, yelling... "NO! I don't want a breather. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want him to touch me ever again. I am so tired. I am so heartbroken, I can't breathe. Why don't you understand? I am so fucking alone. My dad left me all alone here and I am just so... so..." She grabs her hip and cries out.
I leap out of my chair and hold her as she falls to the floor screaming in pain... "NO, DON'T TOU..." and she faints, falling to the ground, missing the pool by mere inches.
I carry her and we exit the pool house and rush back to the house. Flynn opens the back door for me and I head upstairs in a rush as Kate comes out of the living room.
"What happened?" She panics, running up the stairs behind us with Mia and Elliot.
"She had hip pain and fainted. They both had a heated discussion and she started talking about her dad and that's when it all transpired." Flynn tells her, as I lay her in bed. I sit beside her and wipe her face of the tears that hang on to her cheek. I tuck her in, my poor girl has too much pain inside her and now it feels like she carries mine with complete fear. I continue to caress her cheek and I hear Flynn and Kate retreat out of the room.
"Ana baby, please forgive me, I'm so sorry." I kiss her lips and get up to leave the room.
I meet Kate and Flynn in the hallways. "She needs to eat and drink water, all of this paired with her lack of nutrition will only make this worse."
Kate looks away exasperated. "I can't force feed her Christian. I'm at my wits end now."
Ana remains in her room for the entire day. Kate and Mia go up to check on her every now and then. She still refuses to eat and just lays in bed.
"Mom, can we administer her an IV and sedative or something?" I ask her right before we sit for dinner.
"At this rate I think that's what we're going to have to do." Grace looks at me worried.
We all sit at the dinner table and try our best to make conversation but it's difficult. The awkward pauses linger forever. Even Mia is having trouble carrying conversation. We all help mom clean up dinner and retreat to the TV room for a bit. At around 10pm, Mom and Dad retire for the night. Mom tells me she'll check in on Ana before she goes to sleep.
Mia suggests we watch a movie to take the edge of and I reluctantly agree. It takes forever but she finally chooses a movie called Late Night, it's a comedy apparently but I can barely keep track of it. My mind keeps thinking of Ana. I see Elliot and Kate cuddles up on one couch. Mia is curled up in a wing chair and I'm sitting on another. I wish she were here, my hand in hers. I just want to be near her.
The movie is about to end in a bit I look at my watch, it's almost 11:45pm. I feel a chill in the room.
"Hey guys, did you feel that?" I ask.
"Yeah, is a window open?" Mia asks. I get up and walk around. The front door and all the windows in the living room and dining room are closed and locked. I walk to the kitchen and see the back door is wide open. I close it. That's odd.
I go back into the TV room.
"The back door was wide open, Mia go check on Ana. I'm going to go take a look outside. Kate, Elliot, come with me."
Kate, Elliot and I head back to the kitchen and out the back door. It's freezing, with a full moon. It's completely dark and we look around. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Mia comes running out.
"Ana is not in her room. I checked everywhere." She says with tears in her eyes. I feel every hair on my body stand. What the fuck, where is she? Something catches the corner of my eye and I look towards the dock and I see Ana slowly walking towards it.
We all run towards the dock and get to her. She stands on the edge, completely still. I feel numb. I call out to her and she doesn't react.
Kate tries her best to calm herself from sobbing as she takes a few steps in her direction gently calling out to her.
"Steele, what's wrong, why are you out here? Ray is back at the house, he's waiting for you." She tells her.
Ana looks down to the water.
"Annie, let's go have some pancakes and tea." Kate reasons with her. Ana doesn't move. Kate looks at me with fear in her eyes. I look back at Elliot who is completely stunned and Mia mirrors Kate's expression. It kills me that my baby sister being exposed to this darkness. This is my fucking fault.
Ana takes another step towards the edge, her toes dangling off of the edge. I take a step to pull her back but Kate motions me to stop.
"Elliot, I need you do something for me. You heard Ray's voice right? I need you to call Ana. Call her as Annie, maybe she will respond."
Elliot looks momentarily confused and stammers "wh..what do you want me to say?"
"Just call out to her, tell her you miss her and that we'll go back in to the house and make some pancakes. Anything, just call out to her please." Kate pleads.
Elliot swallows and begins to speak, trying his best to keep his voice from cracking. "Annie, what's my girl doing out here in the cold? Let's go inside and make you some tea, maybe we can make some pancakes too?"
Ana cocks her head to one side and shakes it a little but doesn't move otherwise.
"Annie, what's wrong? Why are you so sad?" Elliot asks.
"You left me dad. You left me all alone. Why did you leave me? Didn't you love me anymore?" She says in the smallest voice and my heart breaks into a million pieces.
"Of course I loved you, honey, but my time was up, I had no choice." Elliot looks at me, tears in his eyes.
"But I wanted to come with you, they kept bringing me back. I wanted to go with you. You didn't take me with you." She speaks again. Mia stifles a sob. Kate looks equally broken as she watches her best friend at the edge of giving up.
"But Annie, you have so much to live for. Nita and Nani need you, Kate loves you so much, so does Christian, he loves you so much." Elliot tries to reason with her. I inch my way closer to Ana to try to and grab her as soon as the moment is right.
Ana shakes her head violently. "NO! He doesn't. He wants to use me and then he will leave me like everyone else. You left me here all alone. I am tired. I want to come home now. I'm so tired dad." Her body sags a little.
"Annie, you're my girl of Steele, you have to go on. Please promise me you will not give up." Elliot almost sobs.
"It hurts too much dad. Please, just let me come back home. I'm tired. I'm not strong." She pleads.
"No, Annie. No. You have to stay here. I forbid you to give up. You hear me." Elliot tries again.
Ana shakes her head and her body sags and sways forward. I catch her just in time. Pulling her back, holding her in my arms as I sob and hug her tightly "Ana baby, please, please don't leave me. I am so sorry." I say over and over again as I hold her. Her eyes are closed, and her face is bathed in moonlight. The love of my life is so broken and ready to give up. I look up at everyone and their faces are stunned and full of fear with tears running down their cheeks. I pick her up and carry her and head back to the house. Mia double checks all the doors and windows to make sure everything is locked and sets the alarm. I take Ana upstairs to her bed.
Elliot wakes up mom and we tell her what happened. Tears fall from her eyes as she checks Ana.. We discuss the options of taking her to a hospital and Kate decides against it. She knows how Ana hates hospitals, she doesn't want her to freak out even more. We all decide we'll sleep in the guest room with Kate and Ana. Mia, Elliot and I make our makeshift sleeping bags with our duvets and strategically sleep on the floor around the room near the bed and the door to keep track of Ana should she wake up and sleep walk again.
I can't close my eyes. The entire scene replays in my mind. She wanted to give up. She's so broken. I did this. I did this to her. Her fear of me is breaking her. I am no good for her. I need to remove myself from her life but I can't bear the thought of life without her. I just found her. How can I go on now?
Friday, December 27th, 2019.
CPOV
We all toss and turn. None of us are able to sleep. I check my phone and it's 5:52AM. I sit up and lean against the wall by the door. Ana is still asleep. Mia is awake looking at the ceiling. Elliot is rubbing his forehead and Kate sits up in bed against the headboard, her elbows against her knees as she cradles her face.
I look towards Ana, she looks peaceful as she sleeps. She hums a little as she breathes. I've missed her so much. A little time passes and suddenly her eyes open. She looks straight ahead to the window then the ceiling, as if trying to remember where she is. She gets up and her eyes lock with me. She's confused. She looks around the room and sees Mia and Elliot lying on the floor. Kate puts her hand on her back and rubs it.
"Why is everyone here?" Ana asks softly looking back at Kate.
"Ana, I don't know how to tell you this but you went into a trance again last night." Kate tells her, her voice breaking.
"What do you mean, what happened?" Ana is in a panic, as Mia and Elliot sit up and look at her.
"You tried to jump off the dock and Christian pulled you back." Kate sobs.
Tears fill Ana's eyes and she looks back at me.
"What do you mean, how did I get there? I don't understand." Ana is sobbing.
"You just walked out. We were watching a movie in the TV room and we felt cold air come in. Mia checked all around the house for you while Christian, Elliot and I went outside. We couldn't find you anywhere then Christian saw you walking towards the dock and we ran after you. I tried calling out to you but you wouldn't respond so Elliot called you Annie and got you talking."
"What did I say?" Ana looks at Elliot. He looks down and doesn't respond. She looks to Mia and Kate who are wiping tears from their eyes and unable to speak.
"WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME?" Ana raises her voice.
"You wanted to give up Ana." I tell her. She whips her face back at me. "You kept asking why your dad left you and didn't take you with him and that you were tired and heartbroken and that you didn't believe that I loved you. You just wanted to go home to him." My voice breaks as I say the last words.
Ana gets up and bolts to the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet. She retches and dry heaves as Kate and I go in after her and Kate holds her hair back. She falls to the floor and wails. "I'm so sorry Kate. I'm sorry." She repeats herself as Kate soothes her and kisses her forehead. She looks back up at me "I'm sorry, Christian, I'm sorry." I kneel down, tears in my eyes "It's okay, you're safe now. We all just want you safe." She grabs Kate and hugs her tight as she wails. Kate signals me to give them a moment. I walk out and Elliot and Mia are standing just a short distance from the bathroom. I tell them we should head back to our rooms and try to get some sleep.
When I wake up again it's a little after 11am. I take a quick shower and head downstairs. I see Mom and Ana in the sunroom. Ana holds a cup of tea, her head hanging low as Mom rubs her back. I walk in and Mom asks Ana if she'd be okay if I sat with her for a while. Ana nods and mom gets up and leaves.
APOV
I look up at Christian and his eyes are sad, no doubt he pities me. I'm just the sad and broken girl who never got pieced together properly. We are both broken to each other. He wants what I cannot give and I want what he cannot change. Even in sadness and regret he looks beautiful. Wearing a dark green sweater with dark washed jeans and leather slip ons. His hair glistens in the light. His beautifully intense grey eyes are bloodshot.
"May I sit with you?" He asks nervously. I keep my eyes fixed to the floor and nod slowly. I put my cup of tea on the table across from me and make room for him to sit next to me on the couch. He sits next to me but keeps a distance. I know he's doing this out of respect but I miss him. I am at war with myself. I need his touch, I need his arms around me, I know in my rational mind that he won't hurt me but my fears are equally valid. He could very easily tire of me and pressure me to be a submissive then what do I do? I leave and then what? How do I move on from this? I'll be even more broken than before. Then who will save me from jumping? Maybe I don't deserve any of this, I should've just jumped and be done with all this...
"Ana?" he interrupts my mental spiral into oblivion.
"Yes?" I answer still looking down, my mind at a final stop from it's racing thoughts.
"What's going through your mind right now?" he asks softly.
I look up at him "I'm sorry Christian. I'm sorry I've put you all through so much shit." I sob. He turns to me and almost reaches out but then stops himself. Please hold me Christian, please reach out to me. He looks down.
"No Ana, it's my fault. I'm the reason why all of this happened. I was stupid and selfish. You weren't in control of your actions last night. You're hurting and I'm so incredibly sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I love you and you are everything to me." His voice is strained. I stare at his hand resting on his ankle and I can feel his eyes on me. I want so desperately to kiss him but that will solve nothing. It will be a short-term indulgence that will leave me confused again.
I can feel a new wave of tears fall, burning my eyes and cheeks. "Baby please don't cry. Please." He pleads. I wipe the tears off of my face and take a deep breath.
"Can I meet with Dr. Flynn again?" I look up and ask him.
"Of course you can. He can come by the house."
"No, I would like to go to his office. I need to get out of here and be in a neutral place and I would like to see him alone."
"I completely understand. I'll call him and set it up and Ryan drive you into the city and bring you back."
I nod and thank him.
"Ana?"
"Yes, Christian?"
"I know you hate my guts, I know I've really fucked up but please know that I am willing to do whatever it takes to earn back your love and trust again. I almost lost you last night, I can't bear the thought of life without you."
"I need time Christian. A bomb was dropped on me. I can't seem to reconcile these two aspects of your personality. One that claims to love me and is a gentle, loving man and the other who punishes other women for sexual gratification. How can I not be afraid for myself? How can that not fuck with my brain?"
He nods and swallows. "I assure you I don't need that anymore. Please believe me when I say that since we've been together that need for control or those urges haven't even crossed my mind."
"I need time. I need time to process this and reach a final decision."
He takes a deep breath and I look back at him. His eyes meet mine. "Do you still love me?" he asks with expectant eyes.
"Yes... but that feeling alone isn't enough for me right now." I say and his eyes fall as he nods. I know what I said is breaking his heart but it's the truth. I can love him and still realize that this can never work, as much as it will kill me.
I move to get up. "I'm tired, I'm going back to my room to sleep. You should get some sleep too. I'm sorry for the worry I caused last night." I feel my voice start to crack again. Fuck, don't cry again, Ana.
"Did you eat breakfast?" he asks as I stand.
I pick up my cup. "I had some toast. I really don't feel like eating."
"Ana, you need to eat. You had a really difficult day yesterday with the hip pain and everything else. Just please promise me you'll at least eat well. You can ignore me and scream at me all you want but please eat and drink water." He pleads.
I relent. "Okay, I will try my best."
I go back upstairs to my room and see Kate sleeping. I climb into bed and try my best to sleep as well.
CPOV
MG: Christian, are you home?
CG: Yeah, in my room getting some work done.
MG: I'm at the grocery store, will be home in another 15 minutes. Wanted to talk to you? I'll come up.
CG: Yeah sure, do that. All good?
MG: Yeah, just had some stuff on my mind.
I feel the unease creep throughout my body. Mia has rarely ever done this. I lose my focus and silently wait for her to knock on my door.
An hour of calls and replying to emails later, I hear the door knock. Mia comes in with milk and Oreos, our snack of choice since childhood, which she would sneak in for me when I'd be grounded, which was often. I still remember how she'd always come up to check in on me and talk up a storm. She always looked out for me. She's always loved me.
"It's been a long time since we had this." I murmur.
"Yeah, I think after everything that's happened as of recent we need something familiar." She gives me a small smile as she sits on the bed with me. We stay silent for a few minutes and it's deafening.
"What did you want to talk about, Mia?"
"Well, I know I said I wouldn't ask what happened between you and Ana but Christian..." She takes a breath trying to stop herself from crying. "What I saw last night was... some heavy shit. I've been through breakups too but I've never seen anything like this. What happened between you both? I can see Mom and dad are on edge too and they talk in hushed tones, so are Elliot and Kate."
Fuck me. This is going to be difficult. How the fuck do I tell my little sister about my... proclivities?
I take a deep breath and take a sip of milk. "You know, I think I'm going to need something really strong to even begin to tell you what it all is about." I look up to her and she's patiently waiting. Fuck, fuckkk.
"Mia, what I'm about to tell you will be hard to hear and it will change the way you look at me but please know that I am still your brother and that I love you and will always be the brother you've known me to be."
She silently nods and I see tears form as she braces herself for the truth.
"When I was 15, I got sexually involved with Elena Lincoln and as a result she introduced me to an alternative sexual lifestyle and that pretty much the only way I knew and could practice sex."
She blinks a couple of times trying to register what I'm saying and opens her mouth a few times to speak but nothing comes out. She's completely stunned.
"S..s...She... that bitch she hurt you. Why didn't you tell us Christian? I can't believe this." She sobs. "What do you mean an alternative lifestyle?"
"It's BDSM... I had arrangements with women who agreed to certain parameters and... listen, I can't go into much detail, I mean I never foresaw having to discuss this with my baby sister." God, I want the ground to swallow me up now.
"I know what the hell BDSM is. I'm not a child, I'm 23 years old and I have lived life too. God Christian, are you serious? Elena did that shit to you? Why didn't you come to us for help? We would've done whatever we could've to help you."
"At the time Mia I thought it was what I needed and until very recently I believed that it was the only way I could have sex. That's why I never had a girlfriend, I didn't think I was capable of the intimacy of a normal relationship and my experience with Elena convinced me that this was all I deserved."
She looks away in pain wiping her tears. Staring at the floor, no doubt trying to find her words. This is so difficult.
"Christian, be honest with me... did you hurt Ana? Because I swear to God I will kill you." She looks back to me and I can hear the anger in her voice.
"No I didn't, I never touched her that way. Whatever happened was because she found out all that information about my lifestyle from Elena. She found out before I had a chance to tell her myself."
"That fucking bitch, I swear to God if I see her I will beat the shit out of her myself... no wonder Mom called the planner and removed her from the guest list for the New Year's Eve party, when I asked her she said it was because Elena was going to be out of town."
I try to distract myself by taking another sip of milk as my head hangs low.
"Christian, do you really love her? Promise me you'll never hurt Ana."
A lump forms in my throat. "Mia, I can't possibly explain to you how much I love her, I have never ever felt this way. It's... words fail me. She has shown me a whole new way of living. I still have issues with touch and opening up emotionally but she respects my boundaries and in all my limitations she's shown me so much affection and love. She cherishes me and I can't stand the fact that I hurt her this way. It was never my intention, I was going to tell her, I just fucked up with my timing."
Mia quietly nods. "Do you hate me? Please don't." I ask, praying that she hasn't lost all hope.
She looks up and gives me a small smile and tear filled eyes. "You're my brother, I could never hate you. I'm pissed as fuck at you and for you because you don't deserve any of this. You only deserve good in life and I wish, I just wish I could have helped you. I just want you to be happy, like how I see you with Ana. I want to see you like that always." She reaches out and holds my hand.
"Thanks Mia, I want that too but she needs time. There is a chance she might not come back, especially after last night." My voice is barely a whisper. I can't look at Mia. I will breakdown. I can't let her see me like this.
"Whatever the outcome, you have your family in your corner. Always. Christian, please remember we are always rooting for you and we will do whatever we can to be there for you." I pick up her hand and kiss it.
"You've always had my back." I smile wistfully.
"Only cause you're my favorite brother." She winks and picks up another Oreo and dunks it in milk.
We talk a little more and she promises me that she'll do whatever she can to help with Ana.
"Was that Pheobe bitch a part of this shit? Is that why she targeted me?" Mia asks.
Oh fuck, she's connected the dots.
I take a deep breath. "Unfortunately yes, I ended my arrangement with her after a month and she went bat shit crazy and figured out who you were. I guess she saw us out on one of our lunches and... well we all know how it went down."
"It's been so hard since then to make friends and find people to trust you know. I am always on edge about who I'm talking to and what I'm saying. I hate having to lie about my name and who I am just to see if I can trust someone." She says with sadness.
"I'm sorry Mimi."
"Me too."
APOV
I nap for a bit and when I wake up it's almost 5:30pm. I really did sleep the whole day away. I get up and pick some clothes out from my carry on and take a shower to wash away last night. When I'm done I try to make my self look a little alive. I'm wearing my ripped jeans a plain light blue t-shirt. Mia's styling of my hair yesterday still has some life in it. I tie it up into my usual high pony and apply a little concealer blush on my face to hide my obvious dark circles and tiredness.
I grab my shawl and head down the stairs. I hear the TV and walk towards the TV room and see Christian, Mia, Elliot and Kate watching the new season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I clear my throat.
"May I join you all?" I ask.
Everyone immediately looks at me and pins me with their stares. It's unnerving and makes me take a half step back as I feel the need to pull my shawl in a little tighter.
Mia pauses the TV and smiles. "Of course you can banana. Also, don't worry, we were just rewatching episode 4 of season 3. So you're still caught up." I give her a small smile.
"I wanted to apologize say thank you for last night. I'm so ashamed, I wish that it hadn't happened." I feel tears start to sting my eyes.
Mia jumps up and hugs me tightly. Elliot follows and hugs me after her, rocking me as I let out a sob. "Steele, it could've happened to anyone. Don't even think about it. We're just glad we got to you in time. That's all that matters. You're here with us now." He kisses my forehead and signals me to sit with Kate. Mia gets up from the couch she shares with Christian and sits with me. I lean into Kate and she hugs me.
"If you ever fucking try to leave me again, I'll kill you myself." Kate whispers half angry and half crying. I nod and hug her tighter.
CPOV
She looks breathtaking as she sits across from me. So young and beautiful, with her eyes fixed on the TV. She doesn't react much as we continue to watch the show. She has one hand in Kate's and the other in Mia's. The next episode comes on and she silently watches. Even though I've never watched the show myself, I do find it funny here and there but Ana barely responds. She seems lost in thought again as I steal glances to see her face.
The main character of the show sits at a bar where she's working on her jokes and starts to get hit on by a random guy. Another guy shows up beside her and starts to talk to her like he knows her and she converses with him dismissing the earlier guy. She asks him what he's doing in Florida and the guy answers;
"At some point every Jew must live in Florida, it's in the Torah."
Ana begins to giggle and it turns into full-blown laughter. We all look at her stunned and start to laugh and it's contagious. She throws her head back and then falls into Mia as they howl in laughter. Elliot pauses the show and looks at her, laughing and then me. Ana tries to calm herself but still cannot stop, she looks to Elliot and as if they were telepathically linked they both simultaneously do a spot on impression of the guy and laugh again.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lose it... he's just my favorite character in the show. He barely gets any airtime." She tries to tell us as her laughter subsides.
We continue to watch the episode and towards the end we see the guy and the main character start to get a bit close, dancing and then walking towards a motel alluding to a one-night stand and Ana suddenly speaks "no don't, do not sleep with him midge, WALK AWAY GIRL, you guys are better apart. Don't make me hate Lenny! He's my favorite!"
Mia agrees, "they better not fuck this up!"
I look at them. They're so adorable and invested. Though at some level, I feel like everything she says is directed at me.
Dinner is the same, Ana speaks but only when spoken to but she eats this time. It makes me feel a bit at ease.
"Okay guys, tomorrow night is game night. You all better come through and bring you're A game." Mia warns.
Elliot rolls his eyes "Mia, do we have to?"
"Do you want to continue living in this house Elliot?" Mia gives him a look.
"Whatever, what's the line up?"
"Monopoly followed up poker or parcheesi." Mia looks to Ana. "I looked up Indian games and saw Parcheesi was a staple so I ordered it earlier this week. You play it right Ana?"
Ana gives her big smile. "That game has been known to make people divorce each other." She giggles and we all laugh.
"Okay awesome, you can teach us and we'll all see how we fare." Mia claps in excitement.
We finish dinner and just before Kate and Ana head up to their room I call out to Ana. She stops and turns towards me but her eyes are fixed to the floor.
"I spoke with Flynn and he can see you on Sunday, 12pm at his home office, he lives about 20 minutes from here. Either Elliot or I could drive you, whatever makes you comfortable."
She nods. "Thank you Christian. I appreciate this." It breaks my heart. Even in all this sadness that I cause she's thanking me. It tears my heart into pieces.
"Please don't thank me, I just want you to feel better."
She nods again and I see a tear fall. I'm close enough to touch her face but it takes every ounce of my control to not push these new boundaries. She lingers for a moment longer. "Goodnight." She breathes and quickly turns and goes up the stairs.
Saturday, December 28th, 2019.
I didn't see Ana much of the day. She spent most of her time in her room reading or helping Mia setup for game night in basement, I'd hear her voice here and there. Just the thought of her nearby was comforting but still difficult to endure. She was close but still so far. I caught up on work and checked in with the Middle East and Asian offices for updates.
Dinner time rolls around and it's take out night. This hasn't happened in forever. Mom has always been adamant about making fresh food but with a slew of emergencies at the hospital due to the holiday season so she's been busy. Dad is more than happy with take out, it's finally his night to cheat and eat bad food. Mom likes to run a tight ship in the nutrition department. I've always admired that about her.
We order from three different places, Pizza, Chinese and Turkish food. All of Ana's favorites. She eats well, finally. It also helps that Elliot and Carrick keep her occupied in conversation. I can't stop staring at her and can feel mom looking at me. I catch her stare and she gives me a small knowing smile. She has faith in me, even after all the shit I've done. I don't deserve her.
"Ana, how did you get used to eating Indian food, it's so spicy sometimes." Carrick comments.
"I guess I was brainwashed early on." She giggles "No but seriously, Nita and Nani really eased me into it and now, the spicier or the sour the better." She laughs.
"I don't know if my stomach could handle that, thank god the food at the wedding was mild, I was worried for second." Carrick chuckles.
"Oh yes, I figured that Daniel's side of the wedding party may want to actually have good memories of the wedding so we should rein in on the crazy food menu. If it were up to Kiran and Uncle Rish, it would've been a disaster for you all." She laughs again and we all join her.
"Can you cook indian food?" Carrick asks.
"Oh she makes amazing stuff." Kate chimes in.
"I can make some basic stuff, I focused more on desserts since I have a sweet tooth but I can make some basic savory stuff." She shrugs and smiles.
"Well then you must make something for us soon... not too spicy of course." Carrick laughs.
"Sure, I'd love to." She gives a small smile.
"Steele you should make us biryani." Kate looks to everyone "it is a tiny bit spicy but it's so worth it." She laughs.
"Way to hype me up Kate." Ana laughs "it's always a hit or miss so I'm a little nervous to try making it now." She giggles.
"How about some dessert then? I loved that walnut halwa you made us, what other kind of desserts can you make?" Grace asks.
"I can make carrot halwa and kheer which is our version of rice pudding, we also have this dessert called firni which is made out of rice flour and milk, I can make date barfi which is essentially making little sweets out of cooked and mashed dates with almonds and kufli which is our version of ice-cream" She looks back at Grace smiling.
"Oh my, that all sounds incredible... but carrot halwa and the date barfi was it? That sounds really intriguing."
"Maybe we can make a quick grocery run tomorrow and I can make it for dessert. It doesn't take that long, I'll just need some help grating the carrots, that's my least favorite thing to do for it." She laughs.
"YES. DEAL." Mia enthusiastically claps her hands.
"God, I'm going to have to live at the gym all of 2020." Elliot groans.
"Oh please, you guys can go to the gym and spend 5 minutes and boom there's a six pack, us girls have to spend months on end to even try to see an ounce of a difference." Ana bites back with annoyance, laughing. Mia and Kate voice their agreement.
"Hey Steele, don't hate me cause you ain't me." Elliot snaps back with a flamboyant hand gesture and we all laugh.
"Please don't ever do that in public. That was embarrassing." Ana says deadpan and bursts into laughter and we all join in.
God I miss her.
As we finish dinner, Mom ropes the men to help with clean up since Kate and Mia have been helping out all week. Once we're done, Elliot goes down to the basement to join the girls. Mom and Dad ask me to stay for a bit.
"Son, we just wanted to check in on you, given what happened recently." Dad starts off.
"I'm okay Dad, just processing everything and focusing on trying to get Ana the help she needs and looking forward to her getting better."
"As mad and sorry as I am Christian, I'm also so proud with how you've handled everything in regards to Ana. Just promise me you'll discuss this with Flynn also, don't retreat into yourself." Mom looks to me.
"I'm so sorry mom. I know I really fucked up and yes I'll continue to talk Flynn, I've learned a lot about myself since meeting Ana and continue to do so." I hang my head a bit. Grace comes towards me and pulls me in for a hug.
"I can't imagine how scary it must have been for you to see Ana like that. I know how much you love her but my darling boy, I need you to be ready and accepting of any and all possible outcomes of this entire situation. She told me she needed time to make a decision. She's loves you immensely but she has to make a rational decision when it comes to her future given her health. You have to be ready to accept that she may not choose you. It would break my heart because I feel like I've finally met the happy boy I knew you could be but I also have to support her decision in all this."
Mom's words cut through me and I feel like I'm bleeding through a million open wounds. I quietly nod and try my best to keep from my emotions at bay. Dad rubs my shoulder and I excuse myself to head to the powder room to wash my face and then head downstairs to the basement.
I hear the faint sounds of a Post Malone song playing. Last year, Elliot and I went all out and had a killer sound system installed in the system for Mia's movie nights which rarely happened but it helped with the action movies whenever Elliot and I could convince her to watch one.
I hear Ana, Elliot and Mia singing and as I get to the last steps I see her dancing with abandon. She reminds me of the girl I fell in love with at the wedding. Eyes closed, she spins around and dances to the beat. She looks fucking sexy. She's in black turtle neck sweater and jeans, with her hair open and curly, no make up, just Ana in all her natural beauty.
You probably think that you are better now, better now
You only say that 'cause I'm not around, not around
You know I never meant to let you down, let you down
Woulda gave you anything, woulda gave you everything
You know I say that I am better now, better now
I only say that 'cause you're not around, not around
You know I never meant to let you down, let you down
Woulda gave you anything, woulda gave you everything, oh whoa..
"I'm going to get some water." She says, laughing and out of breath, she walks backwards and suddenly spins around and bumps into me. I hold her for a second, her hand in mine, I've longed for this connection but and her facial expression changes, she jumps out of my embrace and mumbles an apology and quickly runs up to get water.
No one really notices our exchange. I sit next to Kate who is furiously typing on her phone.
"How are you holding up Kate?" I ask her.
She looks at me and gives me a small smile "I'm okay, doing better now that Ana is feeling better."
"Thank you for everything Kate, I don't know how to repay you."
"Just give Ana what she needs whenever she needs it. That's all I want for her. My concern is only her. Everyone else is secondary to me." She says in all seriousness.
"I understand." I nod and look at Elliot and Mia as they take their seats on the couch. Ana joins us, her eyes are red. She cried and the thought fills me with dread.
"So guys, lets get this game night started, I'm ready to see you all lose." Ana laughs.
"Well I heard you were quite a sore loser at monopoly." Elliot fires back.
"When I was a child, yes. Now I'm a grown woman and I take no prisoners so hit me with your best shot, Grey." She challenges.
"Well the resident monopoly winner is that Grey there." Elliot points at me.
Ana looks at me and raises an eyebrow. "We'll see about that."
Oh fuck. I suddenly can't wait.
"I have to tell you, Ana talks a lot of shit and she's annoyingly competitive." Kate groans.
"Spoken like a true loser." Ana sneers.
Mia sets out the game and we all sit kneeling around the coffee table. We take our turns and Ana seems to be insanely reckless as she plays the game. Her and Elliot are merciless with each other. It has us in fits of laughter and I realize how alike they are sometimes. Her foul mouth is another thing that has us losing our minds.
"FUCK YOU ELLIOT, I WANTED TO BUY THAT." Ana whines.
"WELL TOUGH LUCK." Elliot fires back.
Kate and Mia fold early in the game and decide to give their money to Ana who happily takes it. Soon Elliot folds and gives his remaining money and property to me but his acquisitions are of barely any consequence. And it's just Ana and I left. She barely says a word and silently strategizes. She's bought all the orange and purple properties much to my dismay and built them up to the max. I end up having to pay her almost everything I have. I refuse to give up but then I land in jail and my state of affairs is abysmal. I bought up all the red and a green properties but wasn't able to build them up as much as I could so now I'm miserably failing. She barely says a word. She just checks her phone and waits for me to fold.
"CHRISTIAN WILL YOU FUCKING GIVE UP ALREADY. SHE BEAT YOUR ASS." Elliot whines like a child from the couch.
"Yeah Christian, just let it go, we've been at this for 2 hours now." Mia groans.
Ana looks at me, cocks her head to one side and I see a victorious glint in her eye. She's willing me to concede. I've never seen this fire in her, she's barely looked at me all week and now I get to fully interact with her. She's a whole new woman. I'm so fucking in love and slightly turned on right now.
"Fine. You win." I mutter.
"THAT"S RIGHT, BOW DOWN TO ME BITCHES." Ana raises her hands with victory signs and we all laugh and groan.
"Let's take a selfie!" Mia jumps up and gets her phone. "We need to make a memory of this. The day Steele beat all the Grey's at game night." She laughs.
"And you guys can get it framed and look at it everyday in awe of my brilliance." Ana says smugly.
"Okay, no more game night for you sparky." Elliot rolls his eyes.
We take a picture and Ana is beaming in it. I love seeing this side of her. I'd be a part of game night everyday if it meant I got to see her shine.
Mia pulls out parcheezi for us and Ana teaches us the rules. It's a far more interactive game than monopoly. I end up losing again. It's just not my night but I'd lose to every night if it meant that she would look me in the eye and speak to me.
Authors Note: I promise next chapter will be dialogue heavy between Ana and Christian and we'll learn more.
Music:
Better - Post Malone.
