Chapter 19: John Phoenix Vs. Neo-Nazis & Schoolbus
A/N Anyone else get frustrated with fics that rely too much on swear words and s*x? The authors of those stories should try to be more family friendly like "The Adventures of John Phoenix".
John Phoenix used his feet to hit the ground with his feet which made his legs run very fast to the court parking lot, where Matt Engarde was waiting for him on a motorcycle (it wasn't the same motorcycle that had been in Engarde's living room in 2-4; this was a new, much better motorcycle that was a personal gift from John Phoenix.)
"Master, I received a psychic communication from you, what's up?" asked Matt Engarde.
"'What's up?'" repeated John Phoenix. "Do you think that's an appropriate way to greet the man who broke you out of prison, and who continues to tolerate your worthless existence just enough to allow you keep breathing his air?"
Engarde gulped. "S-sorry, master."
"Ha, lighten up, I'm just ribbing you. We're 'friends', after all. In any case, did you bring the gun I requested?"
"Of course, master." Matt Engarde climbed off the motorcycle and opened a long case on the side and took out John Phoenix's custom M16 with extended magazine, pump-action grenade launcher, laser dot scope, and a special barrel that made the bullets go faster and kill people harder than most other barrels.
John Phoenix put on the gun strap and examined the weapon. He nodded in approbation. "Yes, I can see that you had this gun made to my exact specifications. Nice work. Now resume being on a motorcycle, Matt; it's time for you to prove to me that you have indeed turned over a new leaf."
Matt Engarde mounted his motorcycle and revved the engine. John Phoenix got on the back but he didn't wrap his arms around Matt; that would have been unnecessary human contact. Besides, John Phoenix was perfectly capable of staying on a motorcycle using only his legs.
"Where are we going, sir?"
"Head towards town hall. There's a school bus there I have to shoot up."
"YES SIR, MR. JOHN PHOENIX SIR!"
The motorcycle roared off. Up ahead was a lot of traffic and blaring horns.
"Damn gridlock," said Engarde. "This city sucks."
"Idiot, just go OVER IT!" John Phoenix yelled, inwardly cursing his subordinate's incompetence and lack of problem solving.
So Engarde rode his motorcycle up a board leaning against an oil drum and the motorcycle sailed through the air and landed on the power lines and proceeded to drive on them. The motorcycle wheels were very precise motorcycle wheels designed by experts so this was not at all hard for the motorcycle to do.
As they rode easily over the traffic people pointed and clapped. Matt Engarde waved but John Phoenix remained coolly detached. A man named HoboSeven watched their progress and couldn't help but wonder whether John Phoenix fucked.
Anyway eventually they got past the traffic (it had been caused by a bunch of wrecked cars and dead bodies in the road; the work of the neo-Nazis?) and then there were sirens and flashing lights behind them and a police car started following them.
"Don't worry, John Phoenix," said one of the two policemen over a megaphone, "we're here to give you backup. We'll help get your cousin back safe and sound!"
But John Phoenix was annoyed. He didn't need any help; these police officers would only get in his way. Besides, John Phoenix knew that the police officers might get killed by the Nazis, and John Phoenix wouldn't want that, so to protect the officers' lives he fired a grenade through their windshield and it blew up and the car went out of control and flipped several times in the air before crashing through the plate glass window of a bank. A fireball billowed out the window and people inside screamed.
John Phoenix couldn't help but smirk, because he knew that he had exploded the grenade in such a way that neither of the men were dead, merely severely injured or at worst paralyzed for life, but the latter seemed fairly unlikely.
"Nice shot, sir," said Matt Engarde.
"I know. Now where's the lube, Matt?"
John Phoenix poured a bottle of lube down the barrel of his gun so that the bullets would go even faster. He had a feeling he would need the extra speed.
Now they had caught up with the school bus. It was covered with barbed wire and there was a guillotine blade affixed to the grill. One of the seven nazis inside was patrolling the bus and making sure none of the frightened kids caused trouble. Then he looked out of the window and saw the motorcycle.
"Hey, Steve, there's some guys on a motorcycle driving on the cables up there!" Bob called out.
"Yeah, and they have guns!" said another nazi.
The nazi leader took a quick glance and then went back to driving the bus. "That's John Phoenix..." Steve Nazi licked his lips. He was shaking and his eyes were bloodshot from doing illegal drugs. "This could be, uh, a problem." He had changed his name to "Nazi" to show his dedication to being a Nazi.
"Steve look, there's that guy who sentenced you to jail," said Bob. The judge's Canadian brother was in the crosswalk up ahead.
Steve Nazi's hands gripped the wheel tightly. "Fuck Canada..." he whispered through gritted teeth. He slammed down on the gas pedal. The bus lurched forward and the guillotine blade sliced the judge in half and the top half landed on the hood and the bottom half went under the bus.
"How do you feel aboot THAT, you fucking old loser?" muttered Steve.
John Phoenix bristled at this xenophobia, and also at the unnecessary swear words. "Engarde, take us down," he commanded. "It's time bin this garbage."
The motorcycle jumped off the power lines and pulled up alongside the bus. Bob grinned at John Phoenix.
"Bye bye, Johnny boy!" He fired his rifle out the window, but John Phoenix snapped off a round with his custom M16, and his bullet met the Nazi's in the air, and John Phoenix's bullet was so much more powerful and better than the Nazi's bullet that it pushed the bullet backwards and into the Nazi's forehead. The combined force of both his own bullet and John Phoenix's caused the Nazi's head to blow up like a watermelon filled with kool-aid. Children screamed as they were showered with blood and brain matter.
"Don't go losing your head," John Phoenix remarked cleverly. Steve Nazi's eyes bulged out as he stared ahead. He tried to run the motorcycle off the road and Engarde was forced to take evasive action.
"Darn it," said John Phoenix. "These foolish children keep getting in the way. I can't get a clear shot." Suddenly his eyeballs alighted on the Canadian judge's intestines slapping against the side of the bus.
"Bring us just a little closer, Matt!" Matt did, and then John Phoenix performed a heroic leap and grabbed the judge's intestinal tract. He planted both feet on the side of the bus and used the intestines to pull himself onto the hood.
Steve Nazi twitched. "Uh, hey."
John Phoenix kicked the judge's remains off the bus and grinned. Then he hip-fired his gun with one hand and raked the inside of the bus. The windshield shattered and the Nazis were shot to death over and over again. Blood and bones flew out of them. John Phoenix fired his gun powerfully and with great skill. It was impressive.
The gunfire stopped. All the Nazis were dead. Save one. Steve Nazi slowly raised his head. He offered a nervous grin.
"Uh, hey man, I'm just the... driver." But John Phoenix reached through the broken windshield and pulled him out by the throat. (The bus kept moving because the accelerator was jammed.)
"You'll make a great chew toy for Cerberus, scumbag," said John Phoenix. Then John Phoenix held Steve's face against the road until all the skin had come off his face and he died. John Phoenix held up the corpse. A skull with a dirty mullet grinned at him.
"Now this is what I call a face-off," John Phoenix said. You might think he was making a quip, but no. He was dead serious. That is really what he called a face off.
John Phoenix threw the corpse back into the bus with disdain. "Now time to take care of this bus." He fired a grenade and it bounced around in the aisle. Then he backflipped to safety as the grenade blew up and the bus fell on its side and continued moving down the street while sending out a shower of sparks as it scraped the ground. Then it slowed to a stop.
John Phoenix folded his arms and observed his handiwork, not unpleased. Matt Engarde pulled up next to him on the motorcycle.
"Not bad," said Engarde.
"Indeed, Matthew. Indeed."
A bunch of police cruisers arrived and so did Uncle Phoenix and Edgeworth on a tandem bicycle. Then some children started climbing out of the bus.
"Survivors!" screamed Engarde. He raised his Uzi but John Phoenix slapped him.
"Those are just some children, you fool. I stopped the bus in such a way that none of them were injured and none of the bombs inside the bus went off."
But then Trucy ran out of the bus and she had a bomb strapped to her chest! Everyone gasped (except John Phoenix).
"Ahhhh help me!" The digital display was counting down. 10... 9...
John Phoenix quickly did a leg-sweep and knocked her to the ground. He shouldered his custom M16 and aimed at his cousin's chest.
"John Phoenix, no!" cried Uncle Phoenix.
But John Phoenix ignored this foolish blubbering. A solitary bead of sweat appeared on his forehead but he sucked it back in.
3.. 2...
He aimed...
1...
Ka-pow! The perfectly aimed bullet hit the bomb in just the right way and the bomb was disabled. The lock was released and Trucy took the vest off. Phoenix Wright helped her to her feet and sobbed like a pathetic baby.
"Brilliant work, young John Phoenix," said Edgeworth. "You demonstrated uncommon bravery and skill today. I wouldn't be surprised if you got a Medal of Honor out of all this." John Phoenix just yawned. Edgeworth picked up the bomb vest and examined it.
"Why... this..." began Edgeworth. "I've seen this kind of bomb before. It's common among the suicide bombers I've encountered overseas. What were these men doing with it?"
Suddenly Steve Nazi's corpse fell off a stretcher.
"Whoops," said an ambulance guy. The sheet had fallen off and revealed Steve's bare chest. And on his chest was a strange tattoo.
"Wait a minute!" said Edgeworth. "That tattoo... it's the symbol of the Khurainese Republican Army... these men aren't just neo-Nazis and domestic terrorists! They are also foreign terrorists who are also neo-Nazis! What's going on here?"
Before anyone could respond, Gumshoe emerged from the bus. "Hey, Mr. Edgeworth, I just found an invoice for the bomb vest inside the bus. And it was issued to... Phoenix Wright!"
To be continued...
BONUS EMOJIS
🚴 ️Matt Engarde
👮 ️👮 ️ the cops
👨 Steve Nazi (before death)
💀Steve Nazi(after being owned by John Phoenix)
😵 😳😷👨😥 👨 other neo-Nazis
😪ambulance guy
️
