A LOT of feeling about the last chapter. A lot of anger towards Ana. I'm suddenly so scared to post future chapters because they will frustrate the hell out of you all. But I guess it's good if we feel conflcted about the characters we read about. Still, thank you for all your reviews and following along this crazy journey I'm on.

One guest review mentioned that Ana feels betrayed by her image of Christian which is a pretty solid theory.

I think it's pretty clear that Ana has no frame of reference in regards to the BDSM lifestyle which is why she's reacting the way she is. I guess the next question, will she ever change her mind about the lifestyle and think rationally or see it only through the lens of her emotions and past trauma? We shall eventually see.


CHAPTER 19. – I'm right out here for you, just let me in.

Sunday, December 29th, 2019

CPOV

Mia texts me telling me the breakfast is almost ready. I open the door to leave my room and walk past Ana's room and hear her talking on the phone.

"It's okay here... no they are wonderful... I just missed you all a lot and I missed Dad a lot. I don't mean to make you sad either but I can't help feel a little low around this time... I'll be going back home soon, I think I'll be much better once I'm back at work again... Sure, I'll ask her. Kate is great, she and Elliot are getting close and I'm so happy for them, they are perfect for each other... I'll be sure to do that... yeah Christian is fine...nothing happened... mama it's fine, I've just been doing some thinking, I don't think it's going to work out... well isn't it obvious?... Mama I have to be realistic... I'm not Kiran or Aashu, I don't come from money and... I have nothing to my name... I don't think I'm built for this world, I need simpler things... no he didn't say anything, he's been very kind but I'm just realizing that it may not be a good idea to get any more involved with him... "

She lets out a frustrated sigh

"Because mama I am not enough, okay. I know my worth and I just can't go on living in this fools paradise... the wedding was just a façade... my reality is so different from all that... love is not everything mama... yeah but what you and dad had... it was different... no mama they didn't say anything, his parents and siblings are so loving, they really made me feel welcome... but I just have a lot of stuff I need to figure out and I can't move forward with him at this time... yes... yes I know but you're also biased... okay fine, I will call her once I'm back at my apartment... please don't tell her all of this right now, I'll tell her myself... she'll otherwise freak out and want to come back on the next flight. I'm fine... I just had a realization and now need to move on from it before it's too late... okay.. I will... I love you... Khuda Hafiz." May god guard you.

FUCK. She has already made her decision. I quickly head down the stairs to where Kate and Elliot are setting up the table. Mom had an early shift so Mia is on breakfast duty and Dad is in the TV room catching up on the chaos in the world.

"What happened, is everything okay?" Elliot asks.

"Yeah, I heard her speak to Nita. It's over. She's made her decision." I swallow.

"Christian, she just needs time. This is just her fear talking, plus she has therapy this afternoon, let's see how that goes" Kate tries to convince me other wise.

"I appreciate what you're saying Kate but I think we both know what the real truth is. I fucked this up and now I have to pay the price. I'm not sure it's a good idea I should stick around. I'm going to head back to Escala after dinner tonight." I turn to walk towards the stairs and Elliot stops me.

"Bro, listen to Kate. Ana has been through some heavy shit in the past week and half, she's probably still rattled especially what happened right after Christmas. All our emotions are on high alert, don't make the same kinds of decisions she is. Stick around till the New Year at least."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea Elliot. She doesn't want to see my face. I mean it's so obvious. She's made her decision and I can't do anything to change her mind."

'For fuck's sake Christian, have some fucking patience. She just found out all this harrowing shit and she is struggling to have some semblance of control in her life. I know you're in pain too because you really love her but you know what, this is what happens in relationships. You can't put a time limit on how long a person is allowed to take to process information. So shut up and man the fuck up. I told you you'd be living in the doghouse for a while... so get comfy because this is your rite of passage into emotional adulthood." Kate snaps as she gives me a piece of mind loudly whispering.

"Don't fucking take that tone with me Kate." I am so done with all this shit. I am losing control.

"I will do whatever the fuck I want, Grey. Ana means the world and more to me and you just came into her life, I've been there for the past 4 years, I have seniority and therefore you will fucking deal with my tone especially right now when you are so clearly in the wrong. You kept something really important from her. Go call your shrink and sort your shit out with him. Don't take it out on me. I am on your side and I am trying to get you two back together so don't give me your impatient boardroom attitude. Now go and get the silverware and set up this damn table with us."

She walks away from me to get something from the kitchen and Elliot gives me a wide-eyed look and swallows. He's so fucking whipped, it almost makes me laugh.

Mia calls out to Ana from the stairs and a few minutes later she says good morning but doesn't look anyone in the eye as she takes her seat with Kate and Mia. She barely eats her breakfast and remains silent for the most part and lost in deep thought only speaking when spoken to and mostly playing with her necklace.

I head back up to my room and decide to do some work and catch up on emails. I'm on the phone when I hear a knock and go to open the door. It's Ana. I gesture her to come in as I try my best to get done with this call. Ana stands by the threshold awkwardly. I hold my hand to the phone.

"Ana, please sit." She looks up to me with an expression I can't describe. It's not fear... it's confusion. It's odd.

She sits on the bed near the side table and picks up the picture frame with Mia and I when she was about a toddler and stares at it. I end the call and walk to her. "May I sit with you?" I ask softly. She nods and I sit a little closer to her than last time.

"You look so happy here. I think it's the only picture I've seen in the house where you're actually laughing."

"Mia brought it out of me. She was so tiny when I first met her, only 3 months old. I felt a connection with her as soon she curled her little hand around my finger. Only now, I can't get her to shut the fuck up."

Ana giggles. "Well, she definitely has a lot of energy for sure but it's all pure love. I'm glad you had her growing up."

"I'm glad too."

"Are you busy? I know Sunday's are your day to talk to catch up with the other offices and I don't want to take you away from that."

"No I'm not busy. I was just checking in. Ros can handle the rest if need be."

"Could I ask you to drive me to Dr. Flynn's? I want to give Kate and Elliot a break, Kate has been stuck with me and I feel bad. I told them to go on a lunch date and go grab a movie or something and Mia is heading to her friend Lily's house."

"I'm honored to be of service, Miss Steele." She looks back at me and smiles with beautiful blue eyes. It feels like forever since she's looked at me that way. "Perhaps on the drive back we can get something to eat? I wanted to show you something if that's okay?"

"Sure, depending on how my session goes. I can't promise anything." She says as she puts the picture frame back.

"I understand. I would ask that you wear something a bit warmer though in case we do end up going where I'd like to take you." She nods in agreement.

The drive to John's house is a quiet one. We don't speak at all. No music, just silence. Ana just looks out the window, her leg constantly tapping up and down while her fingers are knotted.

John too has a house on the water. It's a modern architectural oasis; with clean lines, big floor to ceiling windows with contemporary furniture. It's a running joke between us that my sessions alone have paid for the construction.

We walk up to the front door and John greets us.

APOV

"Ana! Christian! Good afternoon, welcome to our home. Come on inside." Dr. Flynn says in greeting. I straighten myself and wrap my shawl a bit more. I can't seem to let go of this shawl. It's Nani's and gives me comfort in all the uneasiness and unfamiliarity of what I'm going through.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Flynn, thank you for seeing me today and the past two times at the house. I understand that it's the holidays and to take you away from family... I just really appreciate it." I go on and on in my nervous mumbling once I walk past the door.

"Ana, please. Don't thank me. This is what I do. I really want to help you and Christian. I've been seeing him for about seven years now and I guess, I should probably thank you for all that you've done as well. I've seen a remarkable change in him and it's helped with some important breakthroughs." He smiles at me and Christian gives a small but tense smile.

"I wish I could really appreciate all that but I suppose since I didn't see or experience how he was before, I can't really fully understand the depth of what you're saying."

"That's fair but think of it this way, the people nearest and dearest to him all say the same so there's got to be some truth in it, right?"

"I suppose you're right." I give him a small smile.

"Now, before we start, I wanted to let you know that Christian has signed a document allowing me to discuss his issues with you. I don't fully agree with it because I still think he should tell you things about himself in his own words but I will do whatever I can to aid you in any understanding everything from a professional stand point should you be interested, given recent events."

I nod slowly and look up at Christian and I can see he's a bit uncomfortable. Dr. Flynn escorts him to the library to wait and I walk through into his study to start with the session.

"What would you like to start with today?"

"Um... well, I'm sure Christian told you what happened this weekend." I feel a burning hot lump form in my throat. "I'm just really... embarrassed and ashamed."

"Why are you embarrassed?"

"Because I wasn't in control and I worried everyone and I was reckless."

"Ana, exactly! You weren't in control of your actions. You didn't do this deliberately."

"Still... my brain is messed up and it made me realize that I'm too broken to be with someone like Christian. I can't give him what he needs and I can't make him change his needs for me. It's an unfair ask. I'm just a sad broken girl who's pining for the past and longing for safety and acceptance from people who are either no longer alive or who no longer want me."

"Ana, you are being too hard on yourself. No one out there is perfect. We all have our demons. You must give yourself the grace of time to heal. It's like what I told Kate before I met you for our recent session, what you've just been through is an emotional avalanche. You were given some earth shattering information, given your past, about a person who you have fallen in love with, that too for the first time in your life and your rational mind is really trying to crawl out of it but that can be emotionally exhausting. How did you deal with incidents like this in the past, when in therapy?

"Well, I've never really had any luck with therapy. After the accident, I couldn't speak so there was no way for me to communicate, when I finally did regain my speech, I started going to therapy but I couldn't really talk about it. It just seemed futile. I missed my dad but I had eventually accepted what happened. All those months of quiet and being trapped in my body helped I guess. After my rape, when Kate signed me up for therapy, I was just so angry because for the longest time I didn't know who did this to me. I didn't really like any of my therapists. I had about 3 over the course of my college years... and I'd barely go because I just hated it and also because I couldn't afford it. Then I ran into the same problem when I came to Seattle, I didn't like my therapist all that much and then with the wedding prep and new job, I was just too busy and financially it wasn't feasible... anyway, back then I decided to devote my entire focus into school and working and trying to create a life for myself outside of my family. When I did finally find out who it was... it messed with my brain but I had to move forward. It helped that I was far away from San Francisco and already had an established life and routine far away from him. In terms of my blackouts, this is the first time in almost three years that it's been this bad. Kate really helped me in college and I worked really hard on myself but I guess I didn't work hard enough."

"I see. Did you take any medication?"

"No. I refused to. I was on a million medications during my recovery and I hated it. When I left SF, I wanted to be clean and I wanted to just rebuild myself again without the extra shit."

"Ana, therapy only works if you're committed to it. I understand wanting to self heal but it's okay and frankly sometimes necessary to rely on professionals who can help you. I mean, look at Christian, as accomplished as he is... he's still coming to therapy."

I look away. I know what he's saying is right but I hated being so weak. I wanted to be strong and I always believed that I could overcome anything myself. Dad always said I could overcome anything. I just needed to look inside myself. But I don't see anything anymore. I just see darkness and emptiness.

"Ana, you need time to let things settle right now. A routine will help, having a break from these thoughts and coming at them with a fresh mind and continued therapy to help you really get to the crux of your fears and move forward in a constructive and meaningful way so that you can live a fulfilled life. You can't keep suppressing things because the next time you blackout... what if no one is there to help you?"

Tears are streaming down my face and I nod. He's right. I need time to heal and I need to be away from everything and everyone to try and look at this with a clear mind. I need to focus on making myself better for not just my own safety but for those who love me.

"I understand that our past two sessions have been intense but I would really like to be able to help you but therapy is a two way street. Can we make a deal where you come to therapy regularly for at least the next 6 months and we try our best to get to the root of the most pressing issues you're dealing with?

I silently nod. "Okay, I will try my best. Besides, I think you're funny, none of my other therapists made me laugh. They were too... boring." I giggle.

"Well, I'm honored. All I ask is that you confirm this with Rhian as well. Help build my street cred as you American kids say." He laughs and I can't help but laugh too. "Christian told me that you both has a moment alone to talk. How did that go?"

"I told him that I needed time which I honestly do and he asked me if I loved him to which I said I did but that the feeling of being in love alone is not enough for me anymore. I know it may seem cruel to say but I know relationships take work, love alone doesn't fix everything and it's apparent that I too have to really work on myself."

He jots something down in his notepad and nods.

"Dr. Flynn, can I ask you something about the BDSM lifestyle?

"Sure. I'll try my best to answer it."

"Why do people do it? I don't understand the freedom not having control and the punishment aspect of it."

"Well, in the BDSM culture that Christian was a part of, the idea of freedom in not having control was a lot about having complete trust in the other individual. The freedom that comes from complete submission is from the idea of I suppose completely forgetting your issues for a while. You are someone else in a way. You get a break from all the negativity of life around you. At least that is what Christian got from it. It was too painful for him to hold on to the issues he had and what Elena offered him was a respite from that. What he continued to do with other women was another form of escapism; it gave him focus and direction and a safe way to have sex without being touched. By exerting his will on others, he was able to exercise a level control and safety that he never got in his formative years from his birth mother. In the end the submissive does have all the power because by trusting the Dominant she is allowing him to have control of her. If she doesn't allow him, he cannot exert his will on her and that level of trust has to be earned."

"But... it's still abuse Dr. Flynn."

"For those participating in these activities, it's consensual. They are adults who willing to agree to these arrangements and are content with it. I realize that it can seem jarring if you have come from a background of sexual violence, I completely understand that. It is a valid concern and thought process but Christian doesn't see it that way for himself at least. He refuses to see his relationship with Elena as rape, even though we all know it is, given the age consent and all. As far as the contracted submissives are concerned, again, no one was forced into these contracts, willing and consenting adults took part in these activities. After a while it's a matter of to each their own. "

I look away in frustration. This is all wrong. What he did is wrong. It's fucked up. Dr. Flynn must sense my frustration as he continues to speak.

"Ana, how do you feel about Christian's admission that he doesn't want to partake in the lifestyle anymore and that he doesn't want to pursue that kind of arrangement with you?"

I shrug because I don't know what the fuck to believe. "He can say that all he wants and I'm sure he believes it now but once the novelty of what we have wears off, I'm pretty certain he will run back to that torture chamber with the next willing brunette and whip her. I'm really struggling to reconcile Dominant Christian from the man that I met at the wedding; the loving and caring man he is with me. Those tendencies don't just go away. They could manifest in other ways and I don't know if I would able to handle that."

"I see. Well, I'm sure he told you that he had recently has been having trouble with pursuing the lifestyle?"

"He did mention it briefly during our initial conversation when everything came out that night but I remember very little of that night to be honest. It's all in bits and pieces."

"Well, ever since Christian turned 30 this year and actually a little before that as well, he was struggling because the lifestyle was no longer working for him. I told him that just because something worked for him for 15 years didn't guarantee that it would work for another 15 years. As human beings we are meant to evolve. As much as he tried to fight it, his subconscious has been slowly telling him that this is no longer sustainable. He of course hated this advice but when he met you it made sense to him. Meeting you opened him up the possibilities of what life could be."

I take a deep breath and my mind drifts to Carmel by the Sea but I suddenly brought back to the here and now because I realize that it's still the high of a new relationship.

"Dr. Flynn, I don't want to be an experiment. I don't want a lot from this life. I just want love, I want a husband and children...a famliy, I want a simple life with the simple pleasures and Christian, I don't know if he wants that. He is larger than life for me in every way. I'm a nobody from Montesano and who am I to pressure someone into that, it wouldn't be fair to the both of us." I sob.

"All your desires are valid but you won't know what he wants unless you speak with him and that conversation only matters if and when you're ready to accept his recent admissions and find peace with them in order to move forward together because Ana, everyone has a past. "

"I know. You're right. I can't think of the future when my mind and emotions are scrambling for a sense of peace in the now. I don't hold his past against him entirely. I mean... he was manipulated but then... I don't know, I'm just so exhausted Dr. Flynn. I'm at war with myself and my thoughts." I say looking to the floor. "And now the Grey's are hosting a big over the top New Year's Eve party at their place. I asked to be excused so I could go back to my apartment but they insisted and I feel so indebted to them already."

"Ana, just like you, sometimes people do want you in their lives for the pure joy of just having you around. If this at all was a burden, I'm sure they would've made it known through their behavior. Have they?"

"No not at all. Christian's mother dotes on me, his dad always talks to me and I have such an amazing connection with his siblings. In fact Grace told me that she was indebted to me for the 180 change she saw in her son. She said she'd never a light like that in his eyes." I look up at the Dr. Flynn and he's smiling at me in agreement. He too knows what Grace is talking about. "Christian asked that I be his date to the party but this was before everything happened."

"You don't want to anymore?"

"I don't know. I need time away from him. All of this, what we have... had... it happened to fast and it was too intense. I'm just confused. I know I love him. I do not doubt that. I don't know if I can be with him right now or even in the long run. That's what I'm scared and confused about."

"How about taking it slow? A small break and then slowly meeting him, have a date or two a week, seeing the slow progression of a relationship maybe? Without the sex, just him and you talking and getting to know each other?"

"I wouldn't mind that. As someone who has no sexual experience, I think it makes it easy for me to be manipulated. I don't trust my instincts. Right now, being at his parents house, I'm having trouble thinking clearly because I'm not alone or in a familiar space that has elements of who I am... you know what I mean? I'm essentially just surrounded by his entire life and I need to be in a place and routine that's just me or as much me as it can be, given how I work at GEH. I mean I'm not really attached to him nor do I interact with him so thank God for that." I have to chuckle. Dr. Flynn smiles back.

"That's fair. I think you should communicate that to him. You both are lost in your own heartache. Effectively communicate and clearly define your expectations from him. Right now everything in the air and you both are people who crave control in very different ways."

"You're right, I will do that."

CPOV

I'm going through a magazine, when I hear the door to John's office open and see them both walk in. Thank fuck. It's been forever. I hear Ana giggle as she wipes tears from her face. I want to hug her but I just stand up and awkwardly wait for them to walk towards me.

"Before you leave, Ana I want to introduce you to my wife and two children."

"I'd love to meet them but can I first just wash my face, don't want to scare the kids with my puffy red eyes." She smiles and John directs her to the powder room.

"How is she John?"

"She's doing much better. Her thoughts are clearer and articulate now. My advice to you is to be absolutely honest with her should she ever have questions for you and for you to exercise the level of patience that you have been whenever she reaches a final conclusion."

"I overheard her talking to her adoptive mother and essentially telling her we're over." I run my hand through my hair

"Christian, she just needs time and regular therapy. Give her that space."

Ana walks out and we head over to the other side of the house where the TV room and kitchen are. It's a warzone. His son Benjamin is in a highchair smearing pasta all over and barely eating his food. His daughter is in what looks like a princess costume watching an animated movie.

I greet Rhian and introduce her to Ana. They both hit it off, no surprise there. They try to get their daughter Chloe's attention. John pauses the movie and Chloe groans as she gets up and walks over to where we're standing with her mom.

"Chloe, these are dad's friends. Introduce yourself and welcome them please." Rhian calls out to her.

"Hi, I'm Chloe, welcome to our house, what is your name?" She points at me. "My name is Christian." She nods and hides behind her dad's leg. She then points at Ana who crouches down to her level.

"Are you sure your name is Chloe because you remind me of Elsa." Chloe beams at Ana. "My name is Ana but you know what, my grandmother calls me Aana."

"Are you a princess Aana?"

Ana tucks a strand of Chloe's hair behind her ear. It's such a tender moment. "No Elsa, I'm not, I don't have a crown." Ana pouts and laughs. Chloe looks and points to me. "Are you a prince?" I snort. "I don't have a crown either, Chloe." I say. She looks at me with furrowed brows and then grabs hold of Ana's hand and drags her with her towards the TV.

"I'm watching Frozen, come watch with me." Ana looks back and mouths to give her a few minutes. John and Rhian laugh.

I see her sit with Chloe and they watch for a few minutes while Chloe very animatedly tells Ana what's happening the movie. Soon one of the characters starts singing and Chloe sings too, and asks Ana to join in which she does.

Elsa?
Do you want to build a snowman?
Come on, let's go and play!
I never see you anymore
Come out the door
It's like you've gone away

We used to be best buddies
And now we're not
I wish you would tell me why!

Do you want to build a snowman?
It doesn't have to be a snowman

Go away, Anna

Okay, bye

Chloe looks up at Ana and they animatedly sing to each other and throw their arms up. I can't help but smile.

Do you want to build a snowman?
Or ride our bike around the halls?
I think some company is overdue
I've started talking to
The pictures on the walls!

It gets a little lonely
All these empty rooms
Just watching the hours tick by
(tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock)

The music swells and becomes sad. Chloe then without warning climbs into Ana's lap and Ana rests her head on hers as they both continue to sing

Elsa, please I know you're in there
People are asking where you've been
They say, "have courage" and I'm trying to
I'm right out here for you
Just let me in

We only have each other
It's just you and me
What are we gonna do?

Do you want to build a snowman?

I feel a little burn in my throat. I am actually feeling emotion from a Disney movie. No, I'm feeling emotion after watching the woman I love have so much love to give even after all the shit I put her through. A child she met mere minutes ago has decided that she is a safe place and crawled into her lap as they both sing together.

I see John and Rhian look at Ana in awe as she whispers something in Chloe's ear. Chloe nods happily and they both walk back to us.

"Rhian, thank you for letting me take up some of Dr. Flynn's time. I really appreciate it." Ana says.

"Nonsense, I was getting tired of him anyway. You did me a favor" Rhian laughs.

"Darling, she actually thought I was funny. Right Ana?"

"Yes, I did."

Rhian snorts. "It's okay Ana, he's hopeless, you don't have to lie for him."

We say our goodbyes and John walks us to our car. I head down the driveway hoping Ana is feeling a bit better.

"Ana, are you hungry?"

"Yeah, I'm starving actually. I'll probably raid the fridge when we get back." She giggles.

"I know a place close to where I wanted to take you, it's a diner we used to frequent as kids when mom would be on call at the hospital. Dad would treat us to milkshakes and burgers and make us lie to mom about it."

Ana laughs. "Sure. I love diner food."

We arrive at the diner and take our seats at the usual Grey family booth. Though I haven't been here with either Elliot or Mia in years, it's a safe place that I have missed. A waitress comes by with menus and I see Ana study it with supreme concentration. She looks adorable. Her ponytail gone loose, hair framing her face as she's wrapped in her usual brown shawl wearing a white-buttoned shirt with the jeans that really complement her ass, fuck, I want her so badly. She's such a vision all the fucking time. I can never get enough. I feel like I'm seeing her after years.

"So what do you usually get?" She asks reading the breakfast section.

"The cheeseburger deluxe with a chocolate milkshake."

"Hmm... okay, I'm torn between the Belgian waffle or the Greek omelet... why is this so hard. I mean I'm hungry the decision should be instant... okay you know what, I'll get something savory to eat and get the chocolate milkshake too. That makes sense." I can't help but chuckle.

"Are you laughing at me Mr. Grey?" she raises an eyebrow trying to suppress a smile.

"No Miss Steele, I'm merely observing your thought process on ordering food." I smile back her.

We give our orders and our milkshakes come out almost immediately.

"Okay you're right, this is amazing. I haven't a milkshake in forever." She nods her head in agreement. "I'm glad you like it, this place was a big part of our lives growing up." I tell her.

"Thank you sharing it with me." She smiles. "No one else I'd rather share it with." God, I want to kiss her so bad right now.

She asks me questions about my room and all the model planes and boats and how I got into them. I tell her about the Grace and how we built it from scratch and she beams in fascination and awe. I tell her how long it took to build and how every summer I take it out with the family for Memorial Day and July 4th.

"I've only been in like the small fishing boats with Ray. I once fell off of it cause I was such a spastic idiot" She laughs and I join her. Her self-deprecation, although bothersome to me, also makes me laugh because she can be such a comedian. Our food arrives and she pours a shit ton of hot sauce and black pepper on her omelet and laughs at my expression of complete horror.

"What's your biggest catch been?" I ask.

"Nothing. Zip. Nada. I never caught anything. I used to talk a shit ton before the accident, like all the time my brain was buzzing and I was always asking questions, I mean, I just wouldn't stop and Ray would be like Annie, shut up you're scaring the fish away." She's almost howling. I so desperately want to kiss her in this moment. "But then I went into another extreme with the accident and recovery and now that I'm out of it I think I'm at a healthy medium. I don't ask as many questions as I used to. I just try to figure out shit on my own." She shrugs and suddenly a lot of things start about her start to make sense to me.

Our conversation flows so easily and it's almost like we're back to normal even though I have a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach given her the conversation I overheard earlier this morning.

We leave the diner and I take her to my secret hideout. When I was old enough to venture out on my own, I'd take my bike and ride for hours. I came across this small pond with water lilies and it was the most beautiful thing I'd seen. It brought me a temporary sense of calm but after Elena came into the picture, I rarely ever visited. I want to show Ana something from my past that isn't tainted by Elena and all the shit she got me into.

"I've never shown anyone this place." I tell her as we walk along the trail.

"Said every serial killer to his victim." She laughs and I have to chuckle. "Miss Steele, you wound me."

We get to the small wood deck that leads out the pond and it's glows in the warmth of the winter sun.

"This is so beautiful Christian. It reminds me of Monet's Water Lilies. I had a print of it in my room growing up." She looks to me smiling with her beautiful blue eyes all lit up except now they look a little green. The light reflects off of the water and dances on her face. She is so breathtaking in this moment. I lean in a little closer.

"You look so beautiful standing here." I hold her face and tears form. I kiss her forehead and pull her into a hug. She doesn't fight it but holds on to me and breathes.

"I've missed you Ana. I'm so sorry." She breaks from the hug but still stands close to me. "I know you are and I've missed you to but there is a lot that we need to figure out."

"I know and we'll take it at your pace. I want you to be comfortable and feel safe with me and I willing to do whatever I can to make that happen."

She nods. "How did you find this place? It seems far from your parents house."

"I used to ride my bike a lot and go out exploring and I came by this place unexpectedly. It gave me a sense of peace and I'd come here a few times a week to just sit and think but then once all that shit started with Elena, I barely was able to visit. I actually haven't been here in years... but when we were seated for Kiran's Hindu ceremony and were in that outdoor space with the big trees and dappled light and hearing you sing, I remembered this place and I've been wanting to show you ever since." She remains quiet just looking out to the water.

"Thank you for sharing it with me." I kiss her cheek this time and her skin is warm, she closes her eyes at my touch. It's like being back at Carmel by the Sea. The way her skin glowed and felt.

"How was your session with Flynn?" she takes a step back and makes to sit on the floor. I join her.

She takes a deep breath. "It was much better. The first two, I was just lost, hurt and angry. I couldn't make sense of my thoughts because of all the emotion I was feeling. Now I'm finding my thoughts slowly." She continues to look out into the pond.

"Ana, I know I have a lot to make up for...I just... I was going to tell you, I just didn't know how given what happened with you..." I can't even complete the fucking sentence. My words fail me. And I just sit there like silent fool

She closes her eyes and proceeds to speak.

"Christian, I feel like we'll just go in circles if we try to make sense of everything now. The best way we can move forward is to be apart from each other. After we return to Seattle, I think we should take a break. No communication, nothing. I need time to gather my thoughts and you need to really think about what you want from this and how you want to move forward in your life. The way we met and how this all started was really intense. Weddings can do that. You get caught up and we were in a bubble and you feel things that may not really be sustainable in your real life. I'm really lost, these feelings I have, I feel like I'm losing myself. What I feel for you is overwhelming that it's hard to breathe sometimes..." she starts to cry. "...I don't know if it's a result of my sexual inexperience and the fact that this is all new... I don't know how much time I need but once I can make sense of all the information I was bombarded with, only then I can slowly come back. We need to get to know each other emotionally; I need to know who you are not just how I feel with you. Adding sex in the mix is making it confusing and it's not fair to me." She takes a deep breath and speaks again.

"I need to get back to a routine and space that is mine. As eternally indebted I am to all of you for taking care of me these past two weeks, it's been extremely hard for me. I was in a space that was only yours. I was surrounded by you in every way and I couldn't find myself. It made me feel very lonely and made me realize I had nowhere to go and hide... and not to mention the fact that I'm now so ashamed of what happened that night on the dock." She shudders.

"Ana, please don't think like that. Please. My family adores and loves you. They've embraced you and won't let go. You've brought us all closer together, possibly more than we were when I was growing up. I was always a disappointment growing up but then once I started doing well in school and the business became successful, they'd tell me they were proud of me... then after what happened with you. I've never seen them so disappointed in me. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I find it hard to look them in the eye..."

"They're disappointed in you because they love you so much Christian. I wish you could see it, because I do. Grace came to talk to me and she was crying and it was so hard for me to see her like that. I see the pain in her eyes, she loves you so much Christian and she's so heartbroken that her baby lost out on the potential of finding love and affection so early on in life. Carrick told me that he has waited to see you find peace and he sees that in your eyes when we're together. I see their pain and their longing Christian, and it tears my heart into pieces because I know what it's like to be in a constant state of longing.

You can say it all you want that what Elena did to you was what you wanted but at 15 years old you didn't know jack shit about the world. I'm 24 and I'm still stumbling. You only knew your trauma and that woman manipulated you into making you think you didn't deserve a normal and healthy relationship filled with love. She isolated you from yourself and your family. That's what Vishaal did to me. He was my brother and he promised to protect me but he manipulated me and he took advantage of me at my weakest, taking away my sense of security in life." She takes a deep breath, trying to stop a new wave of tears." In the end what happened to us, whether it was against our will or not, there is no denying that it was wrong. You can fight me on this but one day you will realize it and I honestly hope for yours and your family's sake it's not too late...because you are more than what Elena did to you, you deserve so much more in this life... "

I can't find my words because only hers resound loudly in my head.

She looks to me, tear stained. "I need you to promise me that once we return to Seattle you will give me space. I know I work at GEH and I will be respectful and civil should we cross paths but in my personal life I need us to be completely separate. I know Elliot and Kate are together and Mia and I are close but I cannot spend time with you alone. I need to go to therapy and figure this out. You need to figure stuff out too and there is a chance that I might choose to never come back. I have to put myself first because I only have myself. I made a deal with Flynn to commit to regular therapy for the next 6 months and for once I want to really follow through with it."

I feel my eyes burn as I look out to the water. I can't look her in the eye.

"I promise. I will stay away."

"Thank you."

"Can I ask for a small favor?" I say, treading lightly. "Sure."

"You're here for two more days. Can we still talk and spend time together? If you decide that you never want to come back at the end of all this, I'll understand but I want as many memories as I can get with you. Will you still be my date to the New Year's Eve party?"

She takes a breath and pauses for a moment.

"Yes I'll be your date and we can spend time together. I've never been kissed at midnight anyway so I might as well use you while I can." She giggles while wiping away her tears as she tries to get up. I stand with her and we take one last look at the sun setting over the pond.

"Kate and Elliot won't be back till 8pm or so and Mia is still at Lilly's, you want to watch a comedy special with me when we get home? I want to laugh for a bit" Ana asks me.

"Sure, I've never watched one really."

"Wait, you've never watched a comedy special? Oh I forgot you don't really watch TV. Well, allow me to educate you Mr. Grey!"

"I'm eager to learn Miss Steele. I'm sure mom has popcorn in the pantry." I chuckle.

We get home and it's about 5:30. Mom is in the kitchen helping Gretchen with dinner when we walk in. She looks at us, smiles and gives me a wink. Ana walks into the pantry and looks for the popcorn and asks me to melt the butter. I look at her like she has two heads and she laughs as soon as she remembers how useless I am in the kitchen.

"We should watch the show on the TV downstairs... most comedy specials are really crass." She whispers and giggles.

"Miss Steele, I thought you were a lady."

"Lady on the outside but shameless on the inside." She winks. My playful Ana is back. God I want to kiss the living shit out of her right now.

We sit on the couch and I give her the remote to choose what to watch. She opens up Netflix and tells me that she has tons of shows she's been meaning to watch. She settles on a comedy special called Disgraceful.

For the next hour, I'm treated to Ana's unabashed laughter and giggles till the point there were tears in her eyes. At one point she laughed so hard she couldn't breathe, she falls onto me at times as I kissed her hair and sometimes held her hand. The comedian was actually funny, I found myself laughing too. I love that I had this experience with her.

At one point, I got up to get another beer. She paused the special and asked me to hurry back.

"Ana's feeling better?" Mom asks looking visibly relaxed.

"Yeah she had a good day at therapy and we talked as well, I took her to Eloise's and then we went for a walk. We still have a long way to go but at least she's talking to me."

She pats my arm "I'm glad to hear that son. It's also wonderful to hear her laughing and see you smiling again."

...

I had asked Ana if we could spend some more time talking after dinner at the poolhouse. It's definitely one of my favorite things about mom and dad's place. Mom got her love for horticulture from Grandpa Theo and growing up it was one of my favorite things to do with them both. With Grandpa Theo, it was looking after the orchards and learning how to learn the value of time and growth, these were principles I did my best to rely on when growing GEH.

It's a cold night but we walk hand in hand to the poolhouse.

"I actually wanted to show you the poolhouse when we came for dinner the first time but you all were so engrossed in conversation that I thought maybe next time." I say.

"Well, I guess we got here in the end." She smiles back at me as I open the door that leads to the upper level to Grace's little oasis.

"This really is a beautiful space, even at night." She comments. "I like it has this big skylight so it's always illuminated."

It isn't a full moon, but there's enough moonlight pouring through. We take our places on the couch and Ana immediately tips her head back on the back of the sofa and looks up. I sit right next to her and do the same.

She takes a deep breath. "So Mr. Grey, what did you want to talk about?"

"Miss Steele, I just missed talking to you."

"I missed talking to you too... maybe we should come up with a game."

"Game?"

"Yeah, I was talking to Dr. Flynn today and he suggested that in addition to my wanting to take some time off that we should slowly work towards maybe having a date or two a week and talk when I'm feeling a little better... just get to know each other. No sex in the mix given my inexperience and confusion, so I was thinking on the drive home maybe we can come up with something were we ask each other a set number of questions but like... maybe 4 questions, two about heavy topics and two about light topics like... I don't know... like, what's your least favorite vegetable? Mine is turnips." She giggles.

"Of course, Flynn suggested no sex. The fucker." I laugh.

"He's suggested it before?"

"Yeah, he thinks I rely on it too much to communicate or not communicate, if that makes sense."

"Now that I think about it, I think it does." She says dryly.

"Does it bother you?"

"A little bit but I also understand that men and women are just different. We process information very differently but then again, you just expressed a desire to want to talk to me, so maybe you're changing Mr. Grey?"

"Before you, I never talked this much... in my life. I mean, I just kept to myself. The only conversations I had were to the point. I wasn't interested in the... noise."

She laughs. "So I'm noise, huh? It's okay... Ray used to say the same."

"But I like hearing you talk and I want more of it. It's the only 'noise' I want in my life."

She laughs out loud. "You don't know what level of hell you're asking for. I can talk up a storm if I wanted to."

I chuckle. "Do your worst Miss Steele. I can handle it."

"So four questions. Two serious questions and two easy, fluff ones. Would you like to do the honors?" She looks to me.

"Ladies, first." I smile at her.

"Okay, what did you want to be when you grew up?"

I take a minute to think... "Well, I always wanted to have a shit ton of money and control but there was a small part of me that wanted to just sail the world. Take the boat out and be on the water. Or have an orchard, I like the idea of watching things grow."

"Like your grandfather?"

"Yeah."

"Sailing the world sounds like fun but also sounds incredibly lonely."

"I liked being alone. What about you Miss Steele, what did you want to be?"

"Well, so many things, I wanted to be a radio jockey at one point because I loved talking about music, then a racecar driver, an astronaut, a nurse because I loved babies... then I didn't have any real direction for a while."

"You wanted to be a racecar driver?"

"I told you, I like fast cars Mr. Grey. Ray taught me how to drive at 13, just in case. Also, I think to shut me up and get me to focus on something, given my gift of the constant gab." She giggles and fuck, I've missed that sound and smart mouth.

"You're a wonder Miss Steele." She gives me a shy smile.

"Your turn Mr. Grey."

"I asked you what you wanted to be."

"Oh sorry, actually, depending on who asks the questions we both have to answer it, if applicable." She says

"Okay then, I'm going to ask a serious question." I look to her and she closes her eyes, her face still facing up to the sky light. She opens her eyes, looks at me and nods apprehensively.

"When we had sex the first time, I didn't hurt you did I?"

She closes her eyes for a few seconds again and sits up. "I know Kate told you everything. She told me on Christmas morning after I went up. It's one of the reasons why I didn't come down. I mean, I understand why she did, I'm still a little pissed at her but I also know that I would've done the exact same... that being said, I know why you're asking and the answer is no. You didn't. I mean yes, it hurt a little but you have to understand that given what I've been through in both those instances, my pain threshold is really high now. Burns, cuts and stuff don't really register sometimes unless I see physical evidence. Paper cuts still hurt like a bitch though." She giggles. "The pain went away. There was some soreness but I got over it really quickly and also, you think I would've let your ignoble self come back to my suite if you hurt me?" She looks at me laughing.

"A point well made Miss Steele." I chuckle. "Why didn't you tell me the extent of what happened to you Ana?"

"Well, because of the way you're looking at me right now and the way your family now looks at me. And the way my own family has been looking at me for the past 7 years since the accident. Like I'm some fucking china doll about to shatter into a million pieces. You wanted to murder that son of bitch when I had only mentioned the rape. If I had told you how bad it was..." A slight shiver runs through her and she rubs her face. "Listen to me, you guys are the only ones aside from Kate and the handful of therapists I had in Portland who know about the extent of how badly I was raped... I just didn't want to relive it by telling you the details. That's why I've never tell any of my other friends about the accident and other shit. I don't need them looking at me with pity."

I stare at the floor and breathe, trying to remain calm.

"He needs to pay for what he did."

"It's not worth it."

"Why do you keeping saying that? He needs to fucking die for what he did."

She sits up and looks at me. "Look at me Christian... you know why I choose to do nothing, because it will never be fucking enough. I could murder him with my bare hands, watch him take his last breath and bury him in the ground and it will NEVER be enough to take away the pain and horror of what I felt and went through until I physically healed, which felt like it took forever... I won't even go into the emotional shit I had to work through. So it's better for me to not even open that Pandora's box. I had kept it neatly tucked away up until recently. I just have to wait for nature to take its course and pray to god for strength and patience." She says with tears forming in her eyes and looks away.

"I don't know how the fuck you can pray to god when if he even exists, let this happen to you." I scoff.

"Free will, Christian. The accident happened, just an unfortunate event that no one had control over. The rape? That shit was a result of decision he made to hurt me. He wanted to hurt me. That shit was done to me on purpose. People are evil. There's a concept of pre-destination in Islam that some believe everything is written out for you upon conception but that God also gave us free will, the power to change our destiny should we choose. Some choices we make affect the outcome more than others. So yeah, he had the choice to bring me home safely but he chose not to. I'm not explaining this right but what I'm trying to say is that, all the trauma I've been through has never made question my faith but it has made me question people. Just let it go Christian, it's all in the past. I need to move on from all this shit and focus on my future where one day his presence or name will not affect me at all."

I take a deep breath and cradle my head. I need to find something on that motherfucker. I need to bury him myself.

"Christian, look at me." I turn and look at her. "Let's talk about something else. I'll ask a lighter question?"

I nod.

"Tell me about your trip to India?" She smiles.

I sit back. "Well, it was pretty fucking hot and I was a little bitch about it." Ana laughs out loud.

"Why? You didn't like it at all?"

"I didn't really take it in. The heat was too much for me and then seeing the poverty, that got to me. It reminded me of my childhood... but it had beautiful moments for sure. The Taj Mahal was beautiful. The colors were... they were beautiful everywhere. There was a lot of life, I had never seen anything like it."

"You're so lucky, you got to see it. I hope I can visit one day." She smiles at me.

"We can go one day."

She takes a deep breath and her face falls. "Yeah, one day."

"Aside from India and Italy, what's another place you really want to visit?"

"Hmm, I really want to visit the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland. I heard this instrumental once and for some reason, even though I've never visited the place, I imagine that's what it will feel like once I finally do. I also really want to visit Kashmir and Pakistan" She muses. I love how her mind words sometimes.

"You?"

"I've never been to Chile or Finland."

"Ooooh, those are good ones. I have them pinned on my map too." She giggles. I lean in and give her a chaste kiss because I can't help myself. I hover over her lips when I'm done she leans in her forehead to touch mine. She brings her lips closer to mine again kisses me. I try my best not to take over, I need to keep myself in check. I let her take control of the kiss. It's slow and tender and she takes her time. I can sense her nerves so I bring my hands to her face and she holds my wrists and breaks away but she gives me a small smile.

"It's my turn to ask a question now." She says and I nod. We pull away but we're still holding hands.

"Does it hurt when someone touches your chest, your scars I mean?" She asks carefully.

"It reminds me of the sensation of burning. It causes a sense of panic and in general it's an ugly reminder of the past."

"I'm so sorry you went through that. I wish I could take your pain away." She says with head hanging low and tears fall.

Her words cause a lump to form in my throat. Fuck. No Ana, don't cry for me.

"Ana, my trauma pales in comparison to what you've been through."

"Christian, you can't compare them. What you went through was horrific. You were a child, a baby, you couldn't defend yourself and that feeling in itself is so traumatic. No child or adult should ever feel that helpless and afraid." She leans in and hugs me, holding me tight. "I'm so sorry." She whispers. I lean in and inhale her scent trying to keep my emotions at bay. Home. She feels like home.

We sit like this for a while. "Miss Steele, I believe it's my turn to ask another serious question."

She breaks away and nods, wiping away tears. I want to ask her about feelings about what she's recently found out about me but I decide against it. Maybe I can broach that subject tomorrow if she agrees to do this again.

"Do you have nightmares as a result of what happened?"

She looks down and takes a deep breath.

"I have some recurring dreams. I haven't had any crazy nightmares since the time Kate found me in the begining. Even then, those nightmares never really made any sense. I couldn't really see anything it was just I think my body reacting to the pain I was in..." She stops for a few seconds and then speaks again. "I have this one recurring dream. I don't know if it's a memory or just an amalgamation of what my brain thinks happened but all I can see is this clear night sky with the stars shining brightly but at the same time I feel like I'm floating and I see smoke rising in my periphery and red and blue flashing lights... and I hear this sound of a piercing scream. I don't know if it's me that's screaming or someone else. I've had the same dream so many times and each time I wake up and actually this is in general whenever I wake up from sleep the first thing I do is check all my limbs and confirm that I can move because I woke up everyday after the coma wishing that it was a bad nightmare that when I did finally regain control of my body, I'd then wake up making sure it was real. It fucked with my brain." Her voice is strained. I pick up her hand and kiss it.

"You have nightmares too, right? What are they about? Have you been sleeping at all since you've been here?"

"Since we met, I haven't had my usual nightmares or night terrors. They used to be really bad. They were just memories of the abuse I suffered at the hands of the crackwhore's pimps and customers. Then we met and for some reason, I would have dreams but they're still confusing. I don't wake up in a panic but it's still feels... unfamiliar. Listening to you sing really helps. When you sent me those memos in Tokyo, I've listened to them every night and it helps a little. I haven't really slept, I've just been thinking so it's not terrors that keep me awake just... an overactive brain. Having you next to me, even when I do wake up, I feel rested. Before you, I was lucky if I'd get 3 hours of sleep a night. I'd never slept a 6 hour stretch since before I met you. Not even when I was a child. I'd wake up screaming the house down and would barely get 3-4 hours a night."

She holds my hand. "I haven't really been sleeping that much either. My brain is in overdrive." She sighs. "We could sleep together tonight? I'm sure Kate could use the break as well. Her sleep schedule has been compromised because of me."

"Ana, you don't have to. I'm used to not sleeping and I know you probably really miss your own space and bed. As much as I miss you, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything."

"I know that. I wasn't offering that because I feel like I owed you anything. I miss you too and if we're going to spend these two days together then if we can get a decent night's sleep out of it then why not? We're not having sex; it's just sharing a bed. Unless your mom and dad are conservative about that stuff?"

I snort. "Ana, we're adults, it's none of their business. Unless of course, we did decided to have really loud sex."

She laughs out loud. "Oh god... I can already see the horror on their faces."

"Are you blushing Miss Steele? I thought you were shameless."

"Apparently not enough." She sasses back giggling.

"Come, Miss Steele. I've never slept with a girl in my childhood room. I'd like to get you in my bed before you change your mind." I smirk.

"Wait, really? Never?"

"Never. Another first."

"God, we're so lame but I'm honored to have this accolade added to my resume Mr. Grey." She giggles.

We walk back hand in hand. She's slowly coming back to me, I muse. The house is quiet. Kate and Elliot are watching TV with Mia. Ana tells her that she'll spend the night with me and gives her a hug. Elliot the fucker he is wiggles his eyebrows at me and I tell him to fuck off. He's such a child.

I wait for Ana in my room and she walks in wearing panda pajamas and an oversized WSU t-shirt.

"You have pandas on your pajamas." I chuckle.

"Glad to know you still have good vision in your old age."

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Miss Steele."

"... but the highest form of intelligence, Mr. Grey." She sticks her tongue out. "Which side is yours?"

"The one closest to the door."

"Okay cool, I like sleeping next to a window anyway." She walks over to the other side of the bed, gets in and looks straight up. "You know, this feels like a sleepover, like I'm in high school or something." She laughs.

I turn off the lights and get into bed and kiss her cheek and pull her back to me.

"Give that smart mouth a rest Miss Steele."

"My brain isn't tired though." I kiss her neck and it makes her giggle.

"I know, but sleep. We both haven't in the past few days." I kiss her temple and she sighs. "Okay, good night."

"Goodnight baby. I love you." I pull in closer and lean into her neck.

"I love you."

Home. This may be short lived but...

Finally.

Home.


Authors note: If have two versions of the next chapter. One where they have another conversation like this where they ask each other 4 questions and one where they don't and the story just blends into NYE day and night. Let me know which one you prefer! I feel like I owe you guys for the emotional rollercoaster i've put you through these last few chapters.

Music:

Do You Wanna Build A Snowman - OST Frozen.