October 27th,
Renata just left. If only I could retain some of the sweetness and energy she brought with her. It's still early morning, and I was just waking when she scampered into my room.
"Aster," she said breathlessly. "I have good news for you."
"Good news?" The words sounded strange. "What is it?"
She knelt beside the bed. "Caius is leaving. He won't be back for a week."
"Leaving?"
"I do not know why. Paying a few visits, I suppose. My masters rarely leave, but even they venture out occasionally to meet with other covens."
My mind was still stuck on the "leaving" part. I began to laugh, for some reason. Hysterically.
Renata raised her eyebrows. "Are you alright?"
I wiped my eyes, leaning back on the pillows. "Yes, of course. It's just that that's the best thing you could have told me right now besides 'you're free.'"
She laughed with me—a little uneasily, I thought. Her fingers were gentle as she rewrapped my burns. "Looking much better," she told me. The injured skin was pink, and the blisters had disappeared. We chatted gaily of other topics, leaving the rest of our thoughts unsaid.
I can heal as much as I want this week, but it is only a matter of time. After all, Aro and the rest of the coven do not torture humans… as far as I know, anyway.
October 28th,
While dressing my wounds this morning, I noticed Renata was quieter than usual. When I asked what was wrong (somewhat frantically), she just shook her head. It was only a minute, though, before she spoke.
"Heidi is on duty tomorrow," she said softly. "And then three days after that."
I stared at her. "No," I whispered. "No."
"It's Aro's decision, Aster. Not mine."
"But I thought…"
"You were wrong," she interrupted. "Don't you see? Just because Caius is absent, it doesn't mean you will be free of everything. Rules are rules, and Aro wants you present."
"I can't do it, Renata." I covered my face. "I can't watch it anymore."
She gathered up my old bandages, soaking them in water. Her hands gave her an excuse not to look at me. I sat there mutely, trying to restore some semblance of my courage. She pushed the bowl aside, reaching for my neck.
"Move your hair," she asked gently.
I seized the black mass, winding it tighter about my neck.
"Aster, please."
"No," I snapped. "It's my shame."
She looked at me incredulously. "'Your shame?' Nonsense. Let me see."
"No."
"Aster, you're being ridiculous. What if there's an infection?"
"I'll die faster then."
Her eyebrows formed a tiny black V, and her hands blurred suddenly. My neck was bared. I felt her gasp before I heard it; a puff of cold breath on my throat. Her fingers examined the fresh bites, at least three of them, gaping red and oozing. I felt the bile rise in my throat. Had he really bitten me three times? I hardly remembered…
Renata was dabbing on some ointment. It stung. "I'm so sorry, Aster," she apologized. "I didn't realize…" She shook her head in disbelief. "I didn't know. I thought it was only once."
"It's even better than that," I said dully. "Once a week, he said. Unless he forgets, of course."
Her lovely eyes were distraught. "I am sorry." She continued to smear on the terrible stuff. "Try to see things in a positive light," she whispered. "At least he didn't… well… rape you."
My voice was softer than hers. "He's raped my soul, Renata. There is no crueler punishment."
She had no answer.
October 29th,
Feeding time. Just like Renata predicted. I'm waiting for Heidi's step along the hallway. She's been growing more and more unfriendly towards me lately, although whether it's jealousy or pure hatred, I don't know. Personally, I think she's just tired of serving me, waiting on me, feeding me… I can hardly blame her. A vampire was not born to play maid, I'm sure. But anything is better than Felix and Demetri, dragging me down the hall like some animal carcass.
Later…
I want to pray, but I don't know any prayers. My dad grew up in a Catholic family, and we all practiced religion indifferently. I didn't know if I believe in heaven or not. I still don't know. But in answer to my question earlier: yes, this is hell, and yes, I do believe.
Midnight…?
I'm too frightened to sleep, which is ironic, since this next entry would send anyone into the most lucid nightmare.
Oh, help me! I don't know any prayers. Why don't I know any prayers? Why don't I know… anything?! I'm completely secluded here, except to taste the next new horror. When I entered the marble room yesterday—the "counseling room", as they call it—I was not placed on the corner steps by the pillars, but on the main ones, directly in front of Aro's throne. He and Marcus entered soon enough, followed by the rest of the guard. I could feel his eyes on me, like some parasitic spider. His eyes were black. There was no iris, no pupil. Remember that list I made, the stupid one on vampires? It seems ages ago now. I tried to assemble what I knew of vampires to explain this, but I wasn't thinking straight at that point. I knew what would follow soon. I knew what would happen when those doors opened, admitting Heidi's smug, modeled face.
Why are they black? I kept repeating. Why in God's name are they black?!
Aro brushed my shoulder, his sweet breath on my ear. "Black is thirsty, little one," he whispered.
I clenched my fists, but he was gone, sitting above me like some terrible, vengeful god. "Come in, Heidi," he called in a clear voice.
The doors opened, and a cry broke from my lips.
Aro's cold fingers tugged my hair, yanking it once painfully. "Not yet, my sweet," I heard him say. "You'll frighten our guests." He released me. "Welcome, dear friends! Close the doors please, Heidi."
I bit my thumb, forcing down my screams. They were all teenagers. Every one of them. The youngest looked about thirteen, holding her sister's hand tightly. I cringed when she stared at me. She looked like my cousin, with fair hair and light brown eyes. I wondered at Aro, seating me in such a conspicuous place. The difference between the Volturi and I was swiftly becoming apparent. Fear was rising, as I'd seen before, spreading thick and fast through the crowd.
"Save the youngest," Aro sang out, and the room erupted in motion, punctuated by screams and shouts.
It was worse than ever before. A hundred times worse. Not only was I reliving each moment, but I was seeing myself in their eyes. They were all so young. They had so much before them. I had borne the adults, the elderly… I could not bear this.
I stood up, casting my eyes around quickly. One of the boys had tripped, cracking a loose piece of marble before being dragged away by those awful vampire children. I lunged forward, seizing it. In a desperate moment, I drew it sharply towards my chest…
My body flew backwards, skidding across the floor. Felix tossed the shard contemptuously aside. I felt myself being lifted, set down roughly by the thrones.
"Nice try," he laughed. He caught a shrieking girl, snapping her arm as he brought her neck around to his mouth. The blood was running on the steps again. I was drenched in it. The foul smell kept me awake, much as I wished to black out entirely.
Aro stood behind me. His mouth was clean, wiped daintily with a cloth he held in his hand. He tossed it carelessly to the floor, then lifted his hand for silence. "Did you save the little one, Felix?" he asked.
I saw what he meant in a moment. The thirteen-year-old, the one who looked like Susie, was being dragged towards me. Her nose was bleeding, as if she'd fallen.
"A little closer," Aro encouraged. "Let's not be rude to our guest."
Felix obeyed him. His iron fingers stayed locked around her fragile arms. Aro bent towards her, touching her cheek. "What is your name, bella mia?"
She sobbed something. It sounded like "Karen."
"Are you frightened, Karen?" he whispered.
"Yes," she said. Tears spilled over her cheeks and lips. I was beginning to cry myself.
"Do you want it to go away?"
She closed her eyes. "Please."
He kissed her cheek softly. "We will make it go away, love, I promise. But first I need your help with something."
He turned to me, eyes red with blood, as if to say, This is for you. This is your fault, because you will not obey me. "Go ahead, Felix," he said softly.
Karen screamed as the huge vampire dug his teeth into her shoulder. The sound of cloth tearing was like a lash in the silence. I could hear Demetri tittering behind me. I watched, my eyes frozen, as he moved to her neck, sucking and licking the blood as it ran into his mouth. She kept screaming, torturing me. Felix finally slapped her, knocking her senseless. It was well enough, considering what he was doing to her poor body. He was malicious.
He stepped away finally, grinning at Aro. "Grazie, my lord."
Something whispered past us. I looked up just in time to see Marcus' tall body slip through a back door. He could not bear it, either, yet seeing him leave broke something inside of me. I walked down the steps, half-crawling, blindly reaching for the remains of her clothing. No one stopped me. I stretched it over her, covering as many of the bites as I could. She lay in blood, but her lips were turning blue. She was dead.
I whirled around, finding Aro's gaze. The hate in my voice was transparent. "Get me out of here," I whispered. "I never want to be in this room again."
He watched me, maddening amusement in his eyes. "Ah, but this was all for you, Aster," he said softly. "But you are right. It is over now. Heidi?"
Heidi's nails dug into my flesh, pulling me back. I looked at Aro. His eyes shone with recent slaughter, of the murder of dozens. He smiled at me. I looked away, at the girl—Karen. Although there was no way I could have saved her, I imagined I saw betrayal in her eyes. Could I have warned her? Cried out the truth before Felix sank his teeth in her flesh? It might have prepared her. At least she would have died knowing she had a friend, a fellow sufferer.
These thoughts have tormented me, ever since Heidi left me here. I still have the prints of her grip on my arms. She whirled on me before leaving, her hand on the door.
"Why are you doing this?" she demanded. "Why don't you just give in?"
She slammed the door, not waiting for a reply. Why don't I? A good question, yet she should know the answer better than me now.
