Chapter 21: John Phoenix Is Going Overseas Now
John Phoenix, the nephew of Phoenix Wright, was visiting his uncle, Phoenix Wright, the uncle of John Phoenix, at the detention center, where Phoenix Wright (who was John Phoenix's uncle) was incarcerated for being a terrorist.
Unucle Phoenix sniffled and pressed his hand against the partition. "I'd knew you'd come save me, John Phoenix," said Uncle Phoenix. "You're a good nephew."
"Get your hand off the glass, Uncle Phoenix," replied John Phoenix impatiently, eyes closed. "I am NOT going to place my hand over your hand. Not even if there's a partition between us. Get real."
"Oh... okay..." He lowered his hand. "Sorry. I'm just really upset and lonely. Everybody is treating me like a terrorist. I'm afraid the guards are going to beat me up or something. Um, anyway, how is Trucy?"
"I sent her to the orphanage," said John Phoenix. "I didn't want some annoying child hanging around bothering me while I'm trying to solve the quizzical mystery of the magic pen."
"The orphanage? John Phoenix, why didn't you just have her stay with Maya? Sending her to the orphanage is just... stupid!"
John Phoenix started hissing and banging against the glass. His eyes were bloodshot and he bared his teeth. Phoenix Wright cowered in his seat.
"Sorry, sorry, please... don't hurt me..." he whispered. The guard was holding up his hands in fear.
John Phoenix panted and dabbed at his forehead with his tie. "Never... EVER... so much as imply that anything I do is EVER, to any degree, stupid. Did it ever occur to, Uncle Phoenix, that maybe I had a reason for putting her in the orphanage? That perhaps it's a state-of-the-art, high security orphanage? One with robotic guards? And an electric fence that would kill her instantly if she touched it? More of a prison than an orphanage? That this particular orphanage was recommended to me by my personal friend Miles Edgeworth? That maybe Trucy will be safer there? Safe from all the Phoenix Wright-haters that have sprung into existence after you were arrested for terrorism?"
Phoenix Wright looked ashamed.
"Go on," urged John Phoenix in disgust. "Insult my brilliant plans. Go on."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I concede that you're always right," gulped Phoenix Wright. John Phoenix looked placated for the moment, so Uncle Phoenix ventured to ask, "So, um, about my defense. How's that getting along? What witnesses are you going to call?"
"Witnesses?" yawned John Phoenix, checking his wristwatch. "What witnesses?"
"The character witnesses, ya know, the ones who can testify about how I'm NOT, um, a terrorist?"
"There will be no witnesses."
"Okay, what evidence do you-"
"Be quiet. There's no evidence either. Be quiet."
Phoenix Wright stared. He felt a rising panic. "So how are you going to, um, defend me in court?"
"It's simple." John Phoenix smirked. "I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to Khurain. The terroristic neo-Nazi Khurainese bus incident was obviously the work of Khurainese nationals. I believe to find the true culprit who framed you I'll have to travel to Khurain. Besides, Edgeworth believes my presence will greatly benefit the war effort."
"But they're trying to execute me!" cried Phoenix as John Phoenix stood up. "You can't go to Khurain! What about my trial?"
"I have to find the magic pen."
"John, listen, this is crazy," pleaded Phoenix Wright. "What pen?"
"Quiet. I have to find the magic pen."
"My trial's in only three days-"
John Phoenix lifted an immaculately permed eyebrow. "And? You do realize that I am the one who used his vast influence to get that extension granted, correct? They wanted to hold the trial immediately."
Phoenix started crying. "You're a great kid, John. But you gotta help me. Now. Please."
"Oh no, if you're going to start blubbering, I'm having you returned to your cell." John Phoenix clapped his hands twice. "Guard! Return Phoenix Wright to his cell at once."
"Yes sir, Mr. John Phoenix," said the guard, roughly grabbing John Phoenix.
"And I don't want you physically harming my uncle, understand?" said John Phoenix. "If you must punish him do so by withholding food or water or by causing him severe sleep deprivation. Let's be civilized about this, shall we? This situation is hardly ideal for any of us."
"Thank you, John Phoenix," mumbled Phoenix Wright in sincere gratitude as he was dragged off.
"Good bye, Uncle," waved John Phoenix. "I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Rest assured, three days is all I need to sort this mess out."
John Phoenix exited the visiting room just in time to see Matt Engarde roll into the hallway on his motorcycle, and following Matt was Shelly de Killer on a much cooler, more awesomer bike (this bike was John Phoenix's).
"Hey, you guys aren't allowed to bring those in here!" shouted another guard running up.
Matt coughed and jerked his head toward John Phoenix.
"Uh, like, you wanna tell HIM that, guy?"
The guard slowly turned and saw that John Phoenix was glaring at him hatefully. The guard decided the best course of action was to drop dead and not to move or make a sound.
He was right.
John Phoenix stepped across the body, being careful to break the guard's fingers, and approached his subordinates. Shelly got off the cooler bike and stood at a respectful distance as John Phoenix inspected it.
"Very nice," said John Phoenix. He ran a hand over the sleek motorcycle, which was green and blue at the same time (this represented the colors of John Phoenix's suit and tie). It had two mufflers for extra exhaust. The seat was more comfortable than most motorcycle seats in the world and it was designed in such a way that sitting on it for long periods of time wouldn't cause lowered sperm counts.
Yes, Merlin had done good work on this custom "hog" for John Phoenix. Emblazoned on the side of the motorcycle was "John Phoenix" in a cool font superimposed over a lightning bolt. Also, Merlin made it so the high beams gave people cancer. Just a subtle little weapon.
And, of course, mounted on one side was his custom M16. He'd never ride a motorcycle without it.
John Phoenix got on the bike, slipped on his mirrored aviators, and pulled on his fingerless leather gloves. He flexed his fingers and examined his reflection in the rearview mirror. He smirked.
"It is time to go meet up with Edgeworth and head to Khurain," said John Phoenix. "Are you two ready to enlist in the army and lay down your lives for America?" John Phoenix considered this. "No, let me rephrase that, are you ready to lay down your lives for John Phoenix?"
Matt got teary-eyed. "Of course, sir. You saved my life. You saved me from myself."
"Indubitably, sir," replied Shelly de Killer as he climbed into Matt's sidecar.
"Let's roll."
John Phoenix and Engarde roared down the hallway and out the building. Playing on John Phoenix's walkman? "Rollin' into the Night", a song which appeared ONLY in the Japanese version of the original Mad Max, which makes it QUITE obscure, quite obscure indeed. John Phoenix's style was both hip AND retro at the same time, but in a cool way that came off as completely natural and not at all ostentatious or trying-too-hard.
"Look, here comes John Phoenix!" a reporter shouted. Cameras flashed and the crowd outside the building screamed questions at him.
Spark Brushel pushed his way to the front. "Mr. John Phoenix, sir, how do you respond to the allegations that your uncle is 'A terrorist bastard, who should burn, burn!' end quote? Not my words by the way."
John Phoenix gripped him by the tie and growled. "My response is that whoever's peddling that garbage should be ashamed. My uncle is as innocent as the baby Jesus." He spun Brushel around by the tie and threw him into a dumpster. "Shelly, take care of these cameras, will you?"
Shelly took out his Luger and started shooting out the lenses of the reporters' cameras. This scared most of them off, but one man was brave enough to hobble over to John Phoenix's motorcycle.
The man had a prosthetic leg, an eyepatch, and a t-shirt with a picture of an extremely muscular bootleg Blue Badger in army fatigues tightening a belt around his arm with his teeth and jabbing himself in the arm with a hypodermic needle. The words above and below the picture read "Yeah I was in Khurain... now I do hard drugs."
"Hey, man, I'm a vet," said the man. "I was over there, man. Those fuckin' Khurainese bastards stole my leg. Like, get it back for me if you can. I know all about you, man, I think you're a hero the way you saved those kids. A real hero. I read the your interview with Lotta Hart where you said you're going to Khurain. Give 'em hell for me, brother. Wipe all those Khurainese out. Nuke Khurain!"
John Phoenix sniffed. "We're actually aligned with the rulers of Khurain. It's the rebels and their allies in the surrounding countries we're fighting. So, like, educate yourself about the geopolitical realities of the situation, 'man.'" This man was obviously insane, so John Phoenix switched his headlights on-and-off and gave him cancer. It was sad that John Phoenix had been forced to do this, but the man clearly wasn't getting the help he needed from the VA, so giving him cancer was basically a mercy killing.
John Phoenix and Matt Engarde drove out of the city and towards the army base where they were meeting Edgeworth. Merlin descended from the sky and flew alongside them a few feet above the ground on his broomstick.
"Room for this old fart in your army?" he asked.
Meanwhile, in Khurain...
Klavier emerged from the jungle (Khurain is famous for its jungles) and came upon some rice paddies. He shaded his eyes from the sun and stared over the fields. He opened his compass and looked at a snapshot of Apollo Justice.
"Ah, Herr Forehead, I wish you were here," he said. "You were a good soldier. Unlike these special ed. babies I'm being forced to take care of."
His squad stumbled out of the jungle. Their uniforms were tattered and most of the men were cut up and injured to various degrees.
It had been a week since their helicopter had crash landed in enemy territory. Only Klavier and three others had survived. Now, they were trying to get back to the American base outside the capital city. Easier said than done.
"Um, I don't wanna alarm anyone," said Ron DeLite, "but I think my head is starting to fall off." He had got it the worst out of all the survivors. A helicopter blade was piercing his neck.
"Oh, damn it, Ron, what is it you little crybaby?" snapped Klavier.
"Erm, well, sir, it's just that when I turn my head too fast the entire thing starts to slide off and I need to push it back into place."
Klavier stared at him. "Then don't... turn it... fast," he said slowly.
Just then Max Galactica shouldered his rifle and aimed at some peasants. "Sir! I see some foreigners! Permission to murk?"
Klavier pushed the barrel down. "No, Johns, those are just some innocent peasants," explained Klavier patiently. Max's stage name may be "Max Galactica" but ever since he joined the army everyone had to refer to him by his government name, "Billy Bob Johns." Those were the rules.
Meanwhile Benjamin Woodman was staring at a peasant girl, probably underaged, and licking his lips. Klavier grabbed him by the collar and shook him.
"Don't even think about it, you fucking puppet-loving pedo," said Klavier. He cracked Ben one across the face and broke his lips in half. "You try anything and I'll kick your ass six ways from Sunday."
Klavier suddenly noticed something bulging in Woodman's pants.
"Achtung! What's this?" He reached in without hesitation and pulled it out.
"D-don't be mad, sir," whined Woodman.
"I thought I told you to BURN this," roared Klavier, smacking him in the face with Trilo Quist. Then he threw the puppet back into the jungle.
"H-he keeps c-c-c-coming back, s-s-ir," stuttered Woodman. "He's a magic p-p-puppet."
Klavier smacked himself in the face. "Of course you of all people survived! Why couldn't it have been Armstrong? Good ol' Armstrong..."
Just then Ron spotted something in the sky and pointed. "Sir! There's some kind of cube floating over the rice fields!"
"What the hell is that?" asked Klavier.
But then the cube started firing off lasers and destroying the rice paddies! Klavier and his men hopped over a low brick wall and hid behind it. An angry farmer ran into the fields spouting foreign gibberish.
"Achtung! Stop!"
But it was too late, a laser cut the man in half. An evil laugh came from the cube as it flew off into the distance.
"What was that...?" wondered Klavier in wonder, flipping his hair (which was flawless as always).
Meanwhile, in heaven prison...
Godot slowly stirred to life. He tried to get up but he was chained to the wall by his wrists. His memories slowly returned.
"What happened to heaven while I was gone...?" he asked. Then he looked around and to his shock the prison walls were made of bricks, not clouds!
"What the hell? Heaven is only supposed to be made of clouds! Something is seriously wrong!"
To be continued...
BONUS EMOJIS
👨 Spark Brushel
👩 Crazy veteran
👱 ️Klavier
👸Ron
👨 Max
👨 Ben
😀Trilo
👨 🌾dead peasant
