**Content warning: self harm**

"Mistress Rey? He has gone for now. Can I get you anything?"

"Yeah, can you turn me to the wall?" Rey knows that precautions are being taken to keep her privacy and people out, but Rey also knew that Ben was strong, both physically and mentally. She had heard him bang on the door, and if he got in she didn't want the first thing he saw to be her swollen face. Leia had probably already told him about the conversation and she had put up walls as strong she could, fearing she would feel pity for her. As the droid got closer, she noticed that the droid was missing an arm. Oh, Ben. She hoped that he wasn't struggling with the darkness because she was shutting him out. But she just didn't have the strength to deal with him now. She was fighting feelings of defeat and being unworthy. She'd so hoped that they had made a connection, but then she realized that they could still be friends even if he had found a girlfriend.

She just needed to deal with her own issues and pain. Somehow it felt like she was being left behind again, that she wasn't enough. Logically she knew that she had right to hope and expect that Ben felt the same way. He'd given no indication that his concern had a deeper connotation than their force bond. Or they were any more than friends. Then again, she had no real concept of how friendships worked, much less adding in her physical attraction to him, how their minds and emotions were connected and often felt by the other.

The droid brought her over some water and wiped off her face with a cool rag. It then awkwardly and mechanically patted her arm. She smiled at him, it was shaky but she wanted to show her appreciation. After all it faced the wrath of Ben Solo and lost an arm in the process. Rey tried to reconcile that version of him with the one who gently held her in his arms, and went above and beyond to help her heal and feel cared for.

Thoughts of Ben caused her to start crying again, and she felt so far from the fierce and independent girl from jakku. It disturbed her how much this man could affect her, and feel like she was falling apart from the inside out. She moved her hands to her stomach and put pressure. It felt like she needed to hold herself together, like something had ripped right through her and took something essential. She wished that she could go back to before she understood what the force was, and could have her mind to herself again. But then she would never have gotten to know Ben, heard his laugh, felt his half smile pressed into her hair, heard his stories of his divided childhood. The happy priceless memories, as well as the pain of feeling like he was never good enough and struggling constantly with the call to the dark.

'Ugh, Rey. Get yourself together. You are still special to him, no one will ever share a mind with him like you do. He's not dead, he just about broke his way through a metal door and disassembled a droid to gain access. But maybe that should scare me. Will his desperation, his draw to the darkside cause my mind to be torn in two right along with him. Or would it be three presences? Mine, Ben's and the sith's.' She thought to herself as she stared out the window. All this back and forth, and the emotions left her drained.

It was so quiet that when the whirring of the med droid approached, it startled her. It felt like her heart jumped in her throat. She was so raw, and had just settled into a sort of numbness. "Mistress Rey? Master Luke is here to see you. He says he has some food, wants to heal you, and maybe work on some training."

"No, thank you. I don't want any company," she croaked. Her throat was dry and scratchy from the crying.

"He said that you might say that. He's alone. He says you don't even have to talk."

"Please, I just can't right now," Rey said. She fixed her eyes on a bird flitting from tree to tree and tried to ignore what she thought was disapproval from the droid.

"As you say. I will let him know. Give a call if you need anything."

Rey didn't bother to answer. She was so tired her shields slipped.

I can make you worthy of him. He will see the error of his ways when he sees how powerful you are. You are special and I see that. Let me in. I can help you.

Rey screamed and tried desperately to lift her hands to her eyes. THere was such pressure there and if she could just scratch and claw them out, maybe that would make it go away. Her hands only made it as far as her chest and she could feel them tearing into her skin, the coppery smell of blood reaching her nose and making her stomach turn. Maybe she could just bleed him out then. She digged her fingers in deeper and wished that the noise would stop. It was piercing and just wouldn't quiet. She realized dimly that the noise was her, but she couldn't stop. It could have been hours, days or seconds but she felt a hand on her shoulder, and she gathered as much of the force as she could and pushed.

"Rey? Rey!" She heard distantly. She finally opened her eyes to see Master Luke laying on the floor in a corner. Guilt threatened to pull her back under from the brief reprieve seeing what she'd done to the jedi. "Focus on my voice. Take a deep breath and hold it. One, two, three. Good now release it." Rey's breathing was ragged and irregular from the crying and screaming, the painful, horrible invasion of her mind. It was the same and different when she experienced it second hand through Ben. But she tried to calm down, focus on the breath filling and releasing from her lungs, and piece by piece putting her shield back up.

"Thank you," she whispered after a time. She finally felt like she had control of herself and her shield for now, but she was drained and weary to the bone.

"The sith, he's got in your head, didn't he?" Luke asked, his voice gentle but strong.

"Yes. I hate it. I was… upset. And I… Well, I needed some space from Ben, so I put up a strong shield against him through the bond, and then I lost concentration and the one just around my mind slipped," she explained. Tears slid down her cheeks once again and she was so kriffing tired of it all.

"Shielding is hard in of itself. You are so young in the force, and you already have three to manage, you have to be easier on yourself. I would put your focus more on the shield protecting your mind and the barrier that is helping you to heal. Ben…"

"That's just it. I didn't want him to feel what I was feeling. I know it's not fair, and it was one thing I could control," Rey said defensively.

"I'm not judging you or saying that I don't understand. I was simply trying to help, making a suggestion. Can I take a look at your injury?" Luke asked, edging closer to the hurting girl before him. He was so frustrated that he couldn't find the answers he needed to destroy the power this sith had over people he cared about. He laid his hands gently on her wound, careful to maintain her dignity, but it made him feel powerless. This was the second injury he'd healed today from people that he greatly cared for. One was for sure from the Sith, and Ben's instability when he is upset and going to extremes is probably a result as well. But it had been years of trying to heal Ben, his headaches, the pain that he carved into his skin. It made Luke feel every year of his age, and once the skin had knit together, he slumped on the nearby chair.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep? I will stay until my strength is back and I will make sure you are given some time alone. Will you let me come back tomorrow?"

"Yes," Rey answered sleepily. If she couldn't have Ben with her right then, she did take comfort in another familiar force signature nearby. She had thought that having someone see her so weak would only make it worse, but Luke was so fatherly, his presence was a comfort even when she earlier thought she wanted to be alone.

She reinforced the shield around her mind, the barrier to help her heal, and then lastly, as if to show priority to her brain, the connection between her and Ben. Not as much passed through emotionally when they were sleeping, so she felt okay if that was the first to fall if she couldn't manage it all.