'You're safe now, Loki.' Steve called full-heartedly, tears of relief threatening to trail down his cheeks. He gently placed his hand on the god's, careful not to hurt him any further as he smiled. 'I would never let you die.'
The raven averted his eye for a moment as he let his reality slowly sink in. He eventually stared at the ceiling again, eye nearly closing as pain and weariness consumed his body. 'How could you be so cruel…'
'Cruel?' The blond blinked, a frown on his face, 'I… I don't- Loki, we're safe. You're safe. You can stay here as long as you want. I will protect you and my friends will help out too.'
'When my brother spoke of you,' Loki continued, voice distant and cold. 'he said you were a mortal of honor, bravery and altruism. Yet all I see is a man who acts out of pure selfishness and guilt.'
Steve remained silent for a moment, the trickster's harsh words leaving him at a total loss. He had been sitting at Loki's bed for the last months, waiting for the god to regain his strength and wake from his coma. He expected Loki to be confused, to be disoriented, scared and in pain.
What he did not expected were these sharp and spiteful words.
'Loki, I… I don't understand,' the captain tried to stay calm, blaming the god's odd behavior on his traumatizing imprisonment. 'I tried to help you, I couldn't just leave you behind.'
'You could not leave me behind for you could not bare the thought of losing another victim whom you could so heroically save,' Loki spat the words as he pulled his hand from Steve's gentle grip. 'All I wanted was rest, silence, yet you unilaterally decided I had to keep on living through this hell that is my life. You could not live with failing yet again to save someone you claim to love.' He turned his head, a deadly glare lurking in his emerald eye. 'Tell me, Steven, has my rescue made up for your failure in saving your precious Bucky?'
Steve's heart dropped, eyes wide and lips parted. His lungs refused to take in oxygen, his stomach twisting painfully. The trickster's words like daggers piercing his chest, leaving him speechless and stunned.
A knock on the door disrupted the haunting silence.
'Steve?' Bruce opened the door and nodded. 'Hey, I just came to check on Loki.' He looked at the raven and smiled in relief as he saw that the god was finally awake, yet the feeling did not last long as he noticed the lingering discomfort. 'I-I'm sorry, did I interrupt something?'
Steve opened his mouth, only to be cut short by the raven. 'On the contrary,' Loki averted his gaze from both men. 'We were just finished.'
'… Natasha's waiting at the training ground,' Bruce continued uncomfortably, noticing Steve's clear apprehension. 'She'll help you today with the rehabilitation exercises for your leg.'
'… Yeah,' Steve blinked, trying to bring himself back to reality as he stood up. 'Okay. Thanks, Bruce.' Loki saw the blond reaching for a cane from the corner of his eye. 'We'll talk some more, later.' Steve tried to smile at the god. 'You just get some rest now, okay?'
Loki merely stared as the captain walked out of the room using the cane, faltering slightly with every step he took. 'Steven?' he called just before the man passed the stranger he had come to known as "Bruce".
The blond immediately looked up, a quiet hope glistening in his blue eyes. 'Yeah?'
'Do not bother to come back.'
Bruce watched Steve's shoulders slump in defeat. He stared after the captain until he disappeared out of sight before turning to the trickster. 'He has to use that cane ever since he got out of his hospital bed.' The scientist started, knowing Loki had noticed the man's walking aid. He tried to keep his anger at bay, realizing that their conversation was none of his concern. Yet he could not help but stand up for his friend, 'He got injured saving you. Something you maybe could be grateful for.'
Loki remained silent as he did not even acknowledge the mortal by looking at him.
Bruce let out a deep sigh. 'Well, anyway, as you might have heard, I'm Bruce. Bruce Banner. I just came to check on you now that you're awake.' He grabbed a clipboard from a side table, ready to take some notes. 'So, how are you feeling? Any pain, dizziness or nausea?'
Still Loki did not speak.
'… We found two different types of lifeforms on you,' Bruce continued bravely, still trying to get the god to speak. 'Steve explained to us that one of 'em is called S-Seeseeder? Se- Si…' He stared at the charts, eyes squinted. 'Seiðr?' he waited for the raven to confirm but had to continue as he remained awfully quiet. 'I just wanted to know how you were, uhm… doing on that?'
Doing on that. Loki would have rolled his eyes if he had the energy. He felt drained, exhausted, every muscle burning, every joint stiff and sore. He tried to move his finger and spark the mystic energy that was stolen from him, yet all he managed was to feel a slight sting in his phalanx.
It did not matter though, for he could not care any longer. The only thing he could truly care for now was his own demise.
'… If you experience any pain,' Bruce quietly continued as the raven kept ignoring him. 'Just know that you can tell Jarvis and he'll inform me. You remember Jarvis, right? Uhm, I believe Steve told me you called him "Selfone?" He's all around the building. He'll help you.'
Loki's lips remained sealed as Bruce left him in his room. He tried to gasp, his chest so heavy he thought he would suffocate. Alas, life would never show him such kindness.
He prayed in absolute silence for Death to come, be it by his refusal to eat and drink, or by the hands of his older brother.
He begged the Norns to hear his plea.
.
.
Days went by in which Loki would not utter a single word, Steve staying by his side every waking minute like a loyal soldier. The blond would offer him all kinds of food, explaining almost desperately that he would be put back on the nasogastric tube if he would not start eating soon.
Loki refused nonetheless, hoping he would die from starvation before the tube would be placed.
Steve tried to keep the raven company by reading from books, most of them themed on nature and wildlife. He would read every article out loud and showed the matching pictures, hoping the god would show any form of interest. Sometimes he would just sit next to Loki, drawing in his sketchbook, fingers slowly turning black as delicate charcoal lines formed the most beautiful images. Tranquil forests, busy city streets, the Allmother's garden flourishing in all its divinity.
It were moments like these that the god wished he would just leave and let him be.
.
.
'I'm not saying you should leave him forever,' Tony explained as he blocked the captain's kick, sweat slowly dripping down his forehead as the two have been in the gym for over three hours. 'Just, I don't know, maybe go out for a walk? Get some fresh air.'
'No thanks,' Steve landed another blow, face contorting in pain as his bad leg started to act up. 'I've got all the fresh air I need right here.'
'Are you kidding me?' Tony grabbed the blond's foot midair and twisted it, causing the captain to lose his balance. The playboy raised his brow in concern, 'This place stinks of blood sweat and, for some disgusting reason, barf. I even think Bruce just farted.' He pointed at his fellow scientist who was sitting at the other side of the gym, trying to meditate.
'I'm pretty sure that was you, Tony,' the blond smirked as Tony reached for his hand and helped him up. 'Seriously though, it's not that bad. No need to worry.'
'You know it's bad when I have to tell you to get out of the tower,' he unwrapped the bandages from his hands and wiped the sweat of his face, the corner of his lip pulling up in disgust as he smelled himself. 'Look, I know Loki means a lot to you cap, but I don't think you watching him twenty-four seven is going to help. We are worried about you, all of us are.'
'About me?' the blond frowned and packed his bag, making sure to clean up their mess before walking to their bedrooms. 'Why?'
'Because we've hardly seen you since you're back. You're always with Loki, you look like shit, and-' Tony sighed and rubbed the back of his head, wondering how to best put his feelings into words. 'We know you're trying to help him, Steve. We know you're doing everything you can and to see him ignore you completely and treat you like shit is just-'
'I can't leave him,' Steve interrupted. 'He needs- me.'
'He needs help. Professional help.'
'He would never accept that.' Steve let out a defeated sigh as they stopped in front of the god's room. 'It's… hard, sometimes, to be with him,' he confessed quietly, Loki's cruel words still echoing in his mind. 'But I can't just leave him. He's been through so much, I can't-'
'I understand,' Tony spoke softly as he noticed Steve struggling for words. He casted him a kind smile, his hand resting on the captain's shoulder. 'Just know that I'm here for you, okay? If you ever need to talk or get your ass kicked.'
Tony's heart skipped a beat, noticing the sparkle in Steve's sky-blue eyes as he chuckled. It had been a long time since he had seen the captain smile so genuinely.
'I'll remember that,' the blond's muscles relaxed somewhat under his friend's hand and it was only now that he realized how much he missed the simple bliss of another's touch. He let out a shivering breath and wrapped his arms around the playboy in a friendly and exhausted hug. 'Thank you, Tony. Really, I appreciate it.'
.
.
Loki tried to sleep, tossing and turning every few seconds. His body was restless, his mind constantly keeping him awake with all sorts of uncertainties which he should not care for.
He worried about Steve's so-called friends and what they thought of him. He worried whether he would be permitted to stay here or if he would be sent back to Asgard the moment Steve would turn his back on him.
He shivered at the thought of the captain losing interest in him, his fingers clasping his blanket as he came to realize he would be all alone.
He quickly shook his head, trying to rid himself of these thoughts. He should rejoice at the prospect of being left to his own devices. Maybe then he would finally be able to take his own life and greet Death with a grateful smile.
For death was all that he wanted, was it not?
His hands were starting to get clammy as he felt hesitation settling in his heart. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes, his doubt joined by maddening frustration. He did not want to live like this, scared of being abandoned by mortals, petrified of being retrieved by gods.
He was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of two voices just outside his room. His eye opened wide, his breath coming in short ragged heaves as he wondered who they were and what they were talking about.
Once again, his curiosity, his suspicion, got the better of him. He carefully removed his blankets and pulled his IV from under his skin without making a sound. He unhooked all wires connected to his body, deaf to the loud beeping of the monitors. He shivered as his toes touched the cold floor, body protesting heavily at every movement, yet he elected to ignore it.
Moving like a ghost, pale and without sound, Loki took small and wavering steps towards the door. He opened it only a couple of inches, staring at the captain's back as the blond was talking to a stranger.
The raven narrowed his eye as he remained in the shadow, listening to every word.
"I understand. Just know that I'm here for you, okay? If you ever need to talk or get your ass kicked."
Loki gritted his teeth as he watched the strange man touch Steve, fingers digging into the blond's shoulder in an attempt to ease his muscles.
"I'll remember that. Thank you, Tony. Really, I appreciate it."
The raven's blood started to boil at the sight of Steve holding this stranger in a warm and welcoming embrace, the door handle nearly budging under the immense pressure of Loki's grip.
Tony smiled and patted Steve's back. He looked up at the blond with such fondness, chestnut eyes warm and gentle as he let go. He opened his mouth, wanting to say something but got interrupted.
'Steve! Tony!' Bruce called out as he came running from across the hall. 'What's going on here?'
'…Nothing?' Tony raised a questioning brow and crossed his arms as he looked at his science partner. The man's hair was a mess, glasses nearly sliding off his nose as he panted. 'What's going on with you?'
'Jarvis told me there's something wrong with Loki,' he looked at Steve, registering the identical confusion on his face. 'He said he's out of bed.'
'What?' Steve could barely believe him and immediately turned on his heel to barge into the trickster's room.
He froze as he saw a deep green eye peering straight at him from the shadows.
'Loki, are you okay?' Bruce quickly moved forward, concern ringing in his voice. 'Any dizziness? You shouldn't be walking alone.'
The god did not answer him, his destructive glare fixated on the blond before throwing the door shut.
'Loki, wait!' Steve followed him, the two of them together again as he closed the door behind him. 'Why are you out of bed? Why didn't you call for me? I would have helped you.'
The raven did not respond, anger and fatigue causing his body to tremble as he restlessly paced through the room. He wanted to speak, to use his voice and utter his fears, his insecurities, yet it was as if words would not pass his lips.
'Loki, please,' he begged the god as he grabbed his arm. 'Please talk to me. Don't ignore me.'
The raven tried to free his arm from the captain's strong hold, panic wrapping his mind in a deadly grip. He panted and started to scratch at Steve's hand, shaking his head.
'Please, say something,' Steve was starting to get desperate, frustration clear in his voice as he felt like he would lose Loki forever if he would let go of him now. 'I don't understand what I did wrong. I don't understand why you won't talk to me!'
'No!' A terrified shout ripped from the raven's throat after Steve had raised his voice, causing the blond to flinch and let go.
'You…!' The god tried to take deep breaths, panting heavily. He could not lose Steve. He could not lose the only company, the only safety, he had left. He did not want to be alone again, nor to be sent back to Asgard. He did not want to lose the mortal he has come to love so deeply, the thought of losing him to another man pressing an unbearable weight upon his chest.
His voice was rough, hardly his own as he frantically continued, 'You claim to love me, yet you seek out the company of other men the moment you are out of my sight!' It was not the point Loki tried to make, yet it was the only thing his clouded mind could conjure.
'Wha…?' the captain uttered, truly at a loss. 'No, I- Loki, please explain, I'm not following.'
'That man, that Tony, your arms wrapped around him-!' the god's eye widened in realization. 'Tony… He was the one who sent you that message through Selfone when we were still in Asgard.' Anger flared through his chest like a Wyvern's scorching breath, 'He was the reason you smiled with such relief, your precious mortal companion!'
'No, I- I mean,' Steve started to pant, not knowing what to say. 'He's my friend! He helped me so much, I just-'
'You just seek his attention,' Loki stepped forward with every sentence. 'His comfort. His company.' he was standing right in front of the mortal as he hissed, 'Hungering for his touch.'
'No! That's not it!' Steve's chest tightened at the poisonous glare. 'Loki, I do not love Tony. I- I love you!At least… that's what I thought…'
'Do not dare to go near that low-life mortal again, Steven,' The trickster's deadly voice was enough for Steve's blood to run cold. 'You… You are mine. I will never let you-!'
Loki fell completely silent, his skin turning as pale as the shirt he was wearing. The fury in his eye faded, replaced by utter terror as he took an unsteady step back.
'Loki…?' Steve's voice was small, uncertain, a characteristic trait so unlike Captain America. He wanted to reach out, to touch the god and calm him, recognizing his frantic breathing as the start of a panic attack. Yet he did not dare, the fear of triggering another outburst causing him to stay perfectly still.
Loki pressed his hands against his chest, making himself as small as possible as he struggled to breath. He looked at the blond one last time, defeat and pain shimmering in that one emerald eye. He gulped, using his last energy to dash into the en-suite bathroom and lock himself up.
"He does not want you."
'No,' The raven's voice was harsh as he could not shake the voice in his head.
"We are so much alike, you and I."
'No…!' Loki panted uncontrollably as he paced through the bathroom, his stomach cramping, forcing him to bend over. He tried to control his breathing, oblivious to the captain's voice calling his name from the other side of the door. 'No! I am nothing like you! I will never be like you!'
"You are worth nothing. No one is able to stand you once they have seen your true nature, not even the purest of mortals. I have told you so many times, my love. I have tried to warn you, yet you failed to listen. You always fail to listen."
The raven pressed his hands against his ears and screwed his eyes shut, trying to deafen and blind himself from the voice that lingered inside his mind. 'Stop! Stop! Please, just-! … Stop…'
Yet al he saw now was a wide, predatory grin.
'Leave me alone, please,' he begged through gritted teeth, trembling on his feet. 'Please…'
"No one will love you, my dearest baby brother," the voice continued, calm and soothing. "Only I carry that burden, that curse. I miss you, I need you. We were meant to be together for all eternity, Loki. Bound to each other till the prophecy of Ragnarök shall destroy our world and claim our lives."
'No!' the trickster held on to the sink with quivering hands, trying to steady himself. He slowly looked into the mirror, peering through his tousled hair.
He froze, heart beating painfully in his chest as he stared at his reflection. There was someone standing right behind him. A man with golden hair and broad chest. A man with eyes as blue as Spring's sky, teeth white as Winter's first snow.
The trickster god let out a desperate whisper; '…Steven…?'
The man held a weapon that casted angry sparks of lightning, the calmness of his smile merely covering his insanity.
Thor.
Loki screamed his lungs out and burst into tears. He smashed the mirror till it was nothing but glistening chards scattered around his feet. He stepped back, his bloodied fingers tangled in his hair as he hit the tiled wall. He let himself slide to the floor, his legs pressed against his chest as he gasped for air. 'Leave me alone! Please! Please! I will never be like you! I'd rather die than be like you!' he screeched in desperation, his nails clawing at his temples.
He did not know how long he sat huddled on the cold floor. He did not know when he stopped screaming, when the voice inside his head had settled. All he knew was that he was exhausted of this constant fear, of the panic, of living.
'He is inside my mind. He is defiling my mind…' he whined so softly as he wrapped his arms around his legs, making himself as small as possible. 'What must I do…? Steven…'
'…Help me…'
