A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Tsuyna, U3fan, Square Mom Lover, Miss Laury, Lara500, and Guest.


Mission Report: Yamagawa

Submitted by: Kakashi Hatake

Mission Status: Success

Mission Rank: A

Mission Objective:

Investigate an unknown illness in the mountain region village Yamagawa, and procure a remedy. Determine source of the illness and nullify if possible. Provide assistance to the villagers in any capacity needed.

Mission Team Members:

Tsunade Senju- Rank: Kage. Kakashi Hatake- Rank: Jōnin. Naruto Uzumaki- Rank: Genin.

Mission Log:

September 26: Arrival at Yamagawa. The village is in poor condition, with nearly half of the population taken by the illness. Tsunade has organized the main area into a hospital and is healing those afflicted. Her medical skills are remarkable. No leads on a cure as of yet.

September 27: Tsunade spent all night healing the villagers. I admire her dedication, but her health is concerning. She needs to rest. The villagers have improved, but Tsunade is no closer to finding a cure. I found a lead that may give her insight into the illness, so we are heading into the mountains as soon as I take a short (forced) nap. Naruto will stay behind to assist the villagers.

September 28: We found the source of the illness. It is a man-made disease that was sealed into the earth's chakra pathways using an advanced jutsu. Tsunade determined that the only way to stop the effects of the disease was to seal it into herself. I didn't approve, but there was nothing I could do against the word of the hokage. The sealing process was long and painful, and all I could do was watch. Tsunade was greatly weakened by the seal, but she seems to have recovered a bit of her strength. Though my knowledge of sealing is average, I am determined to find a way to remove the seal. I can't stand by and watch Tsunade suffer.

Kakashi ran a frustrated hand through his hair. Why had he waited this long to transcribe his mission log into the report? It was torture, going through everything again. His logs during a mission were always strictly facts, nothing more. But this... clearly, his feelings had leaked onto paper. He grimaced. Altering logs for the report was forbidden. At least reports were classified, and only the hokage would read them.

Unfortunately, that hokage was Tsunade. But what did it matter? She had to know how he felt; he'd made his feelings clear. At worst, she would pity him. As much as he detested the thought, it was nothing compared to the memory of Tsunade walking away from him yesterday, her every step driving a kunai blade deeper into his heart.

Kakashi forced himself to focus on the unfinished report in front of him. With his concern over the effects the chakra-seal was having on Tsunade, he'd forgotten to log the last day of the mission.

September 29: Tsunade seemed more recovered the following day, and we returned to Yamagawa.

He could still feel Tsunade's warm hand on his arm as she gazed intently into his eye, the golden-brown of her irises easing the tension in his shoulders. "I see that you have all the qualities to be a great father." Kakashi shook himself and continued to write, though his stomach churned.

Naruto met us at the entrance and reported that all of the villagers who were afflicted had fully recovered.

The pen in Kakashi's hand stilled as he remembered how Tsunade's face had crumpled in relief as she gave Naruto a crushing hug. He'd swallowed painfully, realizing this was who Tsunade truly was. Someone who cared for others and would help them at any cost, giving no thought to the consequences to herself. Kakashi rubbed his aching forehead, and forced himself to keep writing.

The villagers had no means to pay the mission fee, but with her position as hokage, Tsunade dismissed it. She still had the chakra-seal, but insisted that she could handle it herself, and declared the mission completed. But no matter what she says, the chakra seal worries me.

Kakashi cursed and threw his pen down. He couldn't do this anymore. The report was good enough. He'd turn it in the office chūnin, then go train. Anything besides sitting in his apartment, alone with his thoughts.

Kakashi snatched up the report, and headed out the door.

Five hours later, Kakashi strode into his apartment, and pulled off his sweat-drenched shirt, tossing it into the corner. He flopped on his couch and stared at the bare walls. The spartan appearance of his home used to hold a sense of anticipation; if something new entered his life, it would be easy to adjust and accept it.

But now... the blank walls and sparse furniture seemed glaringly empty. Like his life.

Kakashi sighed heavily and ran a hand through his sweat-dampened hair. No amount of rock climbing or training had been able to distract him. He'd even fallen so low as to challenge Guy to a push-up contest. For the first time in his life, Kakashi had the strong urge to talk to someone for advice. He grunted. Nothing else had worked, so what did he have to lose? He bit his thumb and dropped his hand to press against the floor beside the couch. A puff of summoning smoke, and Pakkun appeared.

The pug stared at him apprehensively. "Are you sick?"

Kakashi considered the question. He didn't feel good, but he didn't have a cold or anything. The word heartsick came to mind, but it sounded so... juvenile. No, he definitely wasn't heartsick. Just distracted. "Nah. I haven't seen you for a while, so I thought I'd check up on you."

Pakkun sat, clearly unconvinced. "You look depressed."

"I need a mission." As soon as he said the words, Kakashi sat up. That was it. If he got a mission, that would clear everything up. "I've just been sitting around for too long. But to get a mission, I'll have to see Tsunade..." And there it was. The dull ache in his chest he'd spent the last thirty-six hours trying to numb.

"The hokage?" Pakkun's all-too-perceptive brown eyes burned into him. "Of course you'll have to see her to get a mission. Why is that a problem?"

Because for the first time, he'd lost his heart to someone. Because he'd had to let her go.

Kakashi scratched the back of his neck and cleared his throat. "Maa, it's not a problem. Why would you say that?"

"Because you look like a schoolboy who just got his heart ripped out and stomped on." Pakkun certainly didn't mince words.

Kakashi winced. That was a little graphic. And unnecessary. Maybe talking to his dog about such things wasn't the best idea. He needed someone who understood. Who would... At that moment, he knew where he needed to go. He stood and walked to his bedroom. "Thanks for the chat, Pakkun."

A puff of vanishing smoke answered him. Kakashi pulled out a clean jōnin uniform, and quickly changed. He was just starting to feel better when he realized the entire right sleeve was missing. It was the uniform he'd worn on the mission when Tsunade had sliced off his sleeve to tend to his arm wound. Unfortunately, it was the only clean uniform he had left. Kakashi clenched his teeth and pulled on his fingerless gloves. He imagined fate was enjoying a good laugh at his expense.

Ten minutes later, Kakashi arrived at the cemetery. He walked down the familiar path he took every morning but continued past Rin's grave to the older gravestones. At last, he stopped in front of Sakumo Hatake's.

Kakashi stared at the headstone, throat tight. This was the first time he'd visited his father's grave since he was seven years old. He sank into a crouch and gripped a handful of grass. "Hai, Otōsan. It's been a while."

The headstone didn't respond, of course. Kakashi lowered his head, suddenly overwhelmed with things he wanted to tell his father. Not just about Tsunade, but all of it. His mistakes, the rare success, his team... his life. Everything his father had missed. So, he did. The sun sank lower as Kakashi talked, and as he talked, a peaceful stillness settled over him. He'd never let himself imagine what it would have been like if his father had lived, but for the briefest moment, he pictured his father sitting in front of him, listening, instead of a gravestone.

Finally, Kakashi finished. Except for the very thing he'd come here for. He sighed. He needed to let it out, no matter how it hurt. "I found someone that I care for very deeply, Otōsan. Are you surprised?" He gave a wry chuckle. "I was. You know, I didn't realize how lonely I was until I saw what I was missing. And... I didn't want to be alone anymore. But I can't have what I want. Konoha needs her more than I do."

Kakashi shoved both hands in his hair and lowered his head. "Being alone again... letting her go... I almost can't stand it. I guess that's what I get for caring too much, eh?"

He lifted his gaze to the silent headstone. And the silent, empty cemetery surrounding him. A cold, dull ache coiled through his stomach and chest. He was alone. And he always would be.

A large, warm hand tousled his hair.

Six-year-old Kakashi glared up at his father through tear-blurred eyes. "But why? Everyone—everyone at school says you're a coward. A traitor. Why did you give up the mission to save him? He betrayed you. Betrayed Konoha!"

Sakumo crouched in front of him, eyes warm. But also darkened with a haunting pain Kakashi wouldn't realize until later. "Because he used to be one of us. He is my friend." He sighed; hand heavy on Kakashi's head. "Kakashi, I believe that a shinobi must fight for what he loves, no matter how long it takes."

Kakashi jerked away. "That's not the ninja way! Look what you did to the village!"

His father smiled sadly. "I know. I wish—I wish there had been another way. But…that's my ninja way. Even if it is wrong to some."

Kakashi blinked, refocusing on his father's grave. Was his father right? Should he fight for what—who—he loved?

Approaching footsteps broke the silence. But the rhythm of the steps sounded like... Tsunade. Kakashi's heart jumped, and he stood, turning to—Shizune? What was she doing here? He recovered enough to greet her. "Hai, Shizune-san."

Shizune stopped next to him, the breeze tossing her short hair in her face. "Hai, Kakashi-san. Tsunade-sama thought you might be here."

Before Kakashi could think of an answer, Shizune continued quietly, "You know, I don't know what happened on your mission with Tsunade-sama. I only know that both of you seem... different." Her gaze fixed on him with surprising intensity. "But I do know what it's like to lose what you care about. Don't let what happened in the past hold you back from the future. No one should be alone."

Familiarity flickered in Kakashi's mind. He'd heard those words before. He glanced at his father's headstone, though he knew Shizune was talking about moving on from whatever she assumed had happened with Tsunade. His gut tightened. While she meant well, that wouldn't be happening any time soon.

"Ah, sorry." Shizune cleared her throat. "I came out here because Tsunade-sama has summoned you for a mission briefing."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. And she'd sent Shizune instead one of the messenger chūnin? "Hai. I'll be there in a moment."

He inspected Shizune as she walked away. The intensity of her gaze had been very familiar—and unlike the passive Shizune. In fact, the entire encounter had been out of character. Either Tsunade was rubbing off on her apprentice, or... Just in case his suspicions were correct, Kakashi gave Shizune plenty of time to reach the hokage's office before him. He strolled up the stairway, though he couldn't help remembering that last time he was here. He'd jumped through the window instead of taking the stairs and had brimmed with anticipation instead of trepidation.

"Hai, Kakashi!"

Kakashi blinked and stopped on the top step. He turned to face Guy, who stood a few steps below him. Had he been so preoccupied that he hadn't noticed Guy walk past him? "Hai."

Guy wasn't deterred by his lack of enthusiasm. "I am still invigorated by our push-up match, my rival!" His thick brows scrunched. "Tell me, how do you manage to look so cool while working out?"

"Maa…" Kakashi wasn't sure how to answer. Being 'cool' as Guy put it, had been the last thing on his mind. All he'd cared about was getting Tsunade's face out of his head.

"Ah, never mind. I know having secrets are a part of being cool." Guy started to turn away, but before Kakashi could breathe a sigh of relief, he spun back around. "Oi! How did your little—" he wiggled his eyebrows in a failed attempt to look suggestive— "rendezvous with your lady go the other night?"

Kakashi stiffened. "There isn't a lady. Or anyone else."

Perhaps that had come out a little harsher than he'd meant it to, because the joviality faded from Guy's expression. "Oh. Well…I wish you the best, Kakashi. I'll see you around."

Kakashi winced. He might be emotionally distant, but that was no excuse for being a jerk. "Guy." His friend turned with a hesitant smile, and Kakashi continued awkwardly, "It—it was the best night of my life. But it didn't work out between us."

"I see." Guy nodded knowingly, as if he'd ever been in a relationship. "You deserve the best, Kakashi. Don't forget that."

Kakashi watched his friend trot off, strangely warmed. Guy had his moments. They weren't many, but he had them. He mounted the top of the stairs and headed for the hokage's office. But…there would never be anyone better than Tsunade. Not for him. Which was the last thing he wanted to be thinking about right before he saw Tsunade for the first time since her memories had returned. Kakashi stopped at the office door and sighed. Well, there was no point in dragging it out. May as well get it over with. He knocked. A few moments passed before the voice he both longed and dreaded to hear, called, "Enter."

Kakashi didn't consider himself a coward—far from it—but the sound of Tsunade's voice struck him with a sudden and strong desire to flee. Let one of the chūnin bring him the mission assignment. He didn't need to hear it from the hokage. But before he could contemplate this new course of action any further, the door opened.

Shizune gazed at him quizzically, then stepped back to let him enter. "Hai, Kakashi-san. We've been expecting you."

"Ah, hai." Kakashi swallowed and stepped inside. "Sorry. The door was, uh, stuck."

"I see your excuses haven't gotten any better," Tsunade said drily from her desk. "You can close the door, Shizune."

Kakashi jammed his hands in his pockets, and walked toward the hokage's desk, finally looking at Tsunade. She met his eyes, but something flickered through her golden-brown irises, and her gaze darted away, only to fix on his missing sleeve. Kakashi winced inwardly, and stopped a good distance from her desk, slouching casually. "You had a mission for me?"

"Hai." Tsunade held up a mission file, focusing on it instead of him. "A few things from our—your—previous mission has been bothering me. Your new mission is to find out who was behind the creation of the chakra-seal."

Kakashi took the file and scanned the details. Hmm, he didn't have much to go on. But the familiarity of mission protocol eased some of the tension in his muscles. Yes, this was what he needed. Time away to clear his mind. And heart. "Hai. I assume this is a solitary mission?"

Tsunade nodded and settled back in her chair. Clearly, focusing on the business at hand was a relief to her too.

"Fight for what you love, no matter how long it takes."

But... he couldn't let this go. Not yet. He needed to know. Kakashi bowed. "Consider it done, Hokage-sama. But if I may make a request before I leave?"

Tsunade's forehead creased. "What is it?"

Kakashi turned slightly, including Shizune in his line of sight. "Would it be too much to ask for Shizune to accompany me back down? We had a... good conversation earlier, and I would like to continue it."

Shizune only looked confused, but Tsunade's eyes widened for the briefest instant. "I'm afraid not," she said too quickly. "We have too much work to get done, and I can't spare her."

"I see." Kakashi inclined his head respectfully. His chest cramped. So, his suspicions had been correct. It had been Tsunade, not Shizune, who had come to the cemetery. Clearly, Tsunade still cared for him. Enough to come and try to help him move on, no matter how much it might hurt her.

Fight for what you love. Kakashi exhaled. Tsunade now knew he'd figured out her charade. Doubtless, she'd realize the request to continue the conversation was to her as well. But the rest was up to Tsunade now. Did she feel as he did? Or... his stomach churned. Did she regret it?

Kakashi started for the door, so she couldn't see the desperation and longing in his gaze.

"Wait." Tsunade's strangled command stopped him at the doorway.

Kakashi stopped and turned, trying to ignore his accelerating pulse. Tsunade was standing, both hands planted on her desk, her mouth tight. "Shizune, I need to speak to Kakashi-san alone."

"Of course, Tsunade-sama." Shizune slipped out past Kakashi, looking beyond relieved.

Tsunade stared at him for a long moment. Then she sighed. "So, you figured it out."

"Well..." Kakashi drawled, mentally preparing himself for whatever Tsunade intended to say next. "Shizune isn't known for her, ah, forceful personality. And I doubt she'd have the nerve to give me advice."

Tsunade's mouth quirked, and Kakashi couldn't help his gaze lingering on her soft pink lips. If only she'd given him a kiss. Just one. Not while drunk, but Tsunade in her right mind, kissing him because she—

Tsunade cleared her throat, and Kakashi jerked his gaze back to her face, ears hot. By her expression—and the color tinging her cheeks—she knew exactly what he'd been thinking. "Look, Kakashi. You're one of my top jōnin, and I was hoping..." Tsunade closed her eyes, and her voice drifted to a strained whisper, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean... that is, while I was without my memory—"

"No, Tsunade-sama." Kakashi forced his fists to unclench. Fool. He couldn't bear to hear her regret. Right now, that would hurt more than anything. If only he'd kept his feelings to himself, as he should have from the beginning. "This was my fault. I should have never let it get as far as it did. I'm sorry. I... made a mistake."

Tsunade stared at him, eyes glistening. Then she sighed and her shoulders slumped. "We both did. It never happened, then?"

So... she did regret it. Kakashi stepped back, only able to nod in response. He had his answer. From now on, their relationship would only be hokage and jōnin. It never happened. "Goodbye, Tsunade-sama."

Kakashi reached the window in two short steps and leaped out. As he ran toward his mission, he pushed himself faster and faster, as if he could outrun the pain. But he had the feeling these feelings would stay with him for a long time. And, in a way, he wanted them to. Tsunade was worth that much.

Fight for what you love, no matter how long it takes.

But sometimes, the only thing to do was give up what you want most.


A/N: Ah, denial. Well, it has to get worse before it (possibly) gets better, right? XD On another note, I hope you all are staying safe!


Tsuyna: Aww, thank you! I'm glad you could really feel Tsunade's emotions. Deep third is definitely my favorite tense to write in, so I'm always relieved when I'm able to convey emotions properly. Hopefully there will be plenty of sentimental encounters between them to come. ;)

U3fan: Same! I enjoy writing 'younger' Tsunade, but it's good to be back to the Tsunade we all know. Well, I have a feeling circumstances will force them together sooner than they would like. XD Aww, thank you! I'm so happy you look forward to new updates. :)

Square Mom Lover: Thank you so much! As for Tsunade's 'dreams', she was semi-remembering what happened last night and mistook it for a dream. So, she actually does remember their kiss, she just thinks it was a dream. Jiraiya definitely senses something going on, though I don't think he has the whole picture. At least, not yet. Yes, Tsunade still has the seal and it's still active. It'll be returning in the next chapter, and not in a good way. Haha, actually, I totally forgot about the mission report until you mentioned it, and I realized it would work well in this chapter. So, that scene is all thanks to you! I think Tsunade and Kakashi are eventually going to realize that ignoring feelings doesn't make them go away, but it's going to take a lot to get them to that conclusion. Ahhh, thank you so much! I'm so honored you're enjoying my story so much.

Miss Laury: Awww, thank you! We don't have many cases in my city so far, and I'm pretty much staying home, so hopefully I'll stay virus-free. Haha, yes, so far my tp is holding out. XD I hope you stay safe as well! I'm glad you can see everything I'm trying to show, and that it brings out all those emotions. ;) I'm also happy to be back to normal Tsunade, but I'm glad you liked how I wrote 'younger' Tsunade. I liked her too. Yes, I think you're right about Tsunade having a similar reaction to chapter 10. She's still letting fear control her, so she's going to have to get over that if she wants to move on, though she hasn't realized it yet. As for how they want to be seen, you're spot on! They both want someone to see and love them for who they truly are, yet at the same time, are afraid to show that side of themselves. And yes, there is a chapter titled Heartbreak coming up... eventually. I'm afraid they still have a lot to go through. XD I'm so happy you're enjoying the story so much! :D

Lara500: Thank you! It makes my heart happy that you're enjoying the story so much. XD It will definitely be interesting to see who breaks first, especially since Kakashi has never experienced this before, and Tsunade has, though in a slightly different way. But they're both strong people, so we'll see how long it takes.

Guest: Thank you so much! :D I really appreciate the complements. I'm definitely glad to be back in 'normal' Tsunade's head, though I'm not sure if she is. XD She's good at making things hard for herself, for sure. Yay! I'm glad you're looking forward to the future chapters! I'm excited for you all to read them, as well. Hopefully it keeps getting better. No need to apologize! I love reading your reviews, and I am very grateful, no matter when you post them. Haha, I think the days are blending together for a lot of us right now.