Chapter 22: John Phoenix Becomes an Army Lawyer and Cries
John Phoenix was completely nude except for his underwear. He was exceedingly muscular with huge pecs and biceps which were normally hidden under his iconic green suit and blue tie. His veins were huge and throbbing. When he flexed his muscles the veins turned blackish-purple and bulged out like thick cords. This was a sign of being more healthy and virile than most other men.
He was undergoing a physical exam, because the first thing he had to do prior to becoming a military lawyer was to be examined by an Army Doctor and deemed fit for service. So far he had passed all the tests with flying colors.
Currently John Phoenix was standing on a scale. But not just any scale. This was a scale that also measured the height of the person standing on the scale. John Phoenix's height was 177 cm, which was 2 cm better than his Uncle Phoenix.
Just one more way in which the nephew had surpassed the uncle.
The doctor nodded. "Hmm, yes, very good." He checked something off on his clipboard. "Now, John Phoenix, you already demonstrated that your cardiovascular health is perfect when you ran a sub-three minute mile on the treadmill, so let's check your physical strength next."
John Phoenix lay down on a bench press and began repping the barbell (300 pounds).
"This is too easy. Give me more weight."
The doctor and the nurses slid on more weights.
John Phoenix pumped the barbell up and down. "Come on! What is this, 1000 pounds? I could curl this with one arm. MORE WEIGHT!"
There were no more weights to add to the barbell, so the two nurses (Rhoda Teneiro and Lauren Paups, both of whom were love with John Phoenix) sat on the ends of the barbell.
"Oh, I'm sorry," said John Phoenix, pumping vigorously, giving both women the rides of their lives, "did two tiny specks of dust just land on the barbell? MORE WEIGHT!"
John Phoenix's manservants Matt Engarde and Shelly de Killer started jumping up and down on the barbell, but it was no use; they were incapable of giving John Phoenix a satisfying challenge. He shook everyone off the barbell in bitter disappointment and then threw the barbell into the corner and destroyed some expensive medical equipment.
"What a monumental waste of time," he complained. "That was not at all a challenge to me, John Phoenix."
John Phoenix finished his physical, and despite the fact that John Phoenix had never exercised in his life, it was determined that he was the strongest, healthiest man to ever take the exam in the history of physical exams.
John Phoenix got dressed and then he took out his uncle's magic badge. He had the badge now because he had stolen it from his uncle before he had been arrested for his crimes. After all, such a powerful magical artifact shouldn't be allowed to fall into the hands of the police. It would be safer with him.
"Why did Buddy Johnson have Merlin make this magic badge...?" he wondered out loud. "And why did it grant my infant self magical powers?"
John Phoenix pondered this for a few seconds, but he got bored, so he reported back to Edgeworth. They walked arm-in-arm through the base AKA Fort Gant, which was named in honor of Damon Gant's father, Bobby Gant, who had been a famous general in his day.
Then they went to the firing range and Edgeworth handed John Phoenix a rifle. Edgeworth pointed at a target dummy in the distance.
"To become a military lawyer you must possess excellent marksmanship," Miles Edgeworth explained. "After all, we can never be sure when the military courtrooms will be attacked by the enemy. While our roles aren't strictly combative, we must always be ready and able to fight if the situation calls for it."
John Phoenix turned the rifle over in his hands. Then he threw it like a knife and it flew hundreds of yards downrange and the bayonet stabbed the dummy's head.
"My word, what an excellent shot," said Edgeworth. "Good work, John Phoenix. Very unorthodox, but good work!"
"That gun was worthless," said John Phoenix. "I will only use my custom M16 or the angel gun."
Now, the final step to becoming a military lawyer, which he had to do before he could go to Khurain and serve alongside Edgeworth: win a mock trial held with dummies.
They went to the training courtroom and Edgeworth set up some dummies in the appropriate spots to represent the the prosecution, the witness, and the defendant. Then Edgeworth sat on top of some sandbags. He was roleplaying as the judge.
"Now that we're all set up, we can begin the trial," said Edgeworth. He was wearing his dead mother's dress as a robe because he didn't have a judge robe to use. "On the desk in front of you will find all the evidence related to this trial, as well the witness's testimony. In brief, the defendant is accused of fragging his superior officer. As a military defense attorney, it is your job to ensure that he receives a proper defense. Now, what do you do?"
John Phoenix examined the evidence. He carefully considered the facts of the case and went over the transcript of the witness's testimony. Then he nodded his head once, then again. He picked up a piece of evidence, a Bowie knife, and jumped over the desk and started stabbing the dummy to death.
"I kill the witness," explained John Phoenix.
"That's the defendant, John Phoenix," replied Edgeworth. "The witness is over there."
John Phoenix jumped over the witness stand and stabbed the witness dummy to death.
"All right, so you kill the witness," said Edgeworth. "Explain your logic."
John Phoenix smirked. "It's simple. Not only is the witness the real killer, he's actually an enemy agent!"
"Oh? And how did you come to that conclusion? Show your work." Edgeworth was not going to go easy on him. He demanded perfection from everyone, even his best friend in the world John Phoenix.
"It's simple, Your Honor. Don't you think it's rather suspicious that this witness is a witness to begin with? Isn't that just a little too convenient? After all, by claiming to have witnessed the crime, he suspiciously creates an alibi for himself, because if he was witnessing the crime, if would be impossible for him to have committed the crime! Additionally, the crime occured at night time, which is when people sleep, so it's suspicious to be awake and witnessing a crime at such a suspicious hour."
Edgeworth stroked his chin thoughtfully, letting this astute analysis wash over him like logical water flowing from a waterfall connected to John Phoenix's brain.
"I see," said Edgeworth thoughtfully, stroking his chin. "It is indeed suspicious that this witness witnessed this crime. But you had no grounds to kill him."
John Phoenix smirked. "The witness's suspicious behavior is merely what led to me suspecting him as suspicious, Your Honor. I killed him because I made deductions based on sound logic and sounder evidence." He threw out his index finger, every muscle and fingernail in the finger straining. "Take that!"
He presented the witness testimony.
"What?" said Edgeworth, pretending to be shocked. "The witness testimony?! This proofs the witness isn't a witness?"
"Oh, the witness is a witness, all right... a witness to his own crime!" exclaimed John Phoenix. "You see, the witness claimed to have seen the defendant throw a GREEN grenade into the victim's sleeping quarters." He slammed the witness stand. "But as you know, the military uses two different colors of hand grenades, dark green and dark blue! This crime took place at night. It was dark. The only way the witness could have known that it was a green grenade is if he threw the grenade himself!"
"Brilliant logic, Mr. John Phoenix," said the Judge AKA Edgeworth.
John Phoenix smirked larger. "Oh, but I'm not through yet. There's yet ANOTHER piece of evidence that points to the witness as the true killer, a heretofore unexplained piece of evidence that only makes sense in the context of the witness being the true killer! TAKE THAT!"
John Phoenix presented the knife he had used to kill the defendant and the witness.
"You see," he explained, "this knife belongs to the witness. It has his initials on it. It was found at the crime scene. But why? The answer is simple. The victim was NOT killed by a grenade! Instead, the witness stabbed the victim sometime earlier with his knife. Then, to obfuscate the true cause of death, he threw a grenade into the room which caused the knife to fall out so it'd look like the victim was blown up instead of killed by the witness's knife."
The Edgeworth admired this beautiful display of logic. "Very good, Mr. John Phoenix," he said. "I find the defendant NOT GUILTY! Unfortunately, you killed the witness, and he was Innocent Until Proven Guilty, so I'm afraid I'll have to take away your badge and strip you of your military title for violating due process."
"Ha ha ha..." John Phoenix merely threw back his head in laughter. "Your Honor, killing the witness was an act of preemptive self-defense! Because the man was a terrorist and had grenades in his pants! He was going to blow us all to bits!"
"What?" asked the Judge, surprised but not really because this was a mock trial and not a real trial. "But how could you possibly have known that? Explain."
"Simple. I'm afraid this a bit vulgar, Your Honor, but bear with me. The man had two spherical objects in his pants, and at first glance one might assume the objects were merely part of the man's scrotum. After all, he was wearing very tight pants. But I read the witness's profile in the court record, and it clearly states he tragically lost his scrotum in Khurain. So obviously the objects in his pants, were, in fact grenades meant to be used as a last resort if he was found out. So my killing him was completely warranted, as well as morally justified."
Edgeworth smiled and began to clap. "Bravo, John Phoenix!" he cried. "You made short work of my little trial and have proven yourself worthy of being a Military Defense Attorney. As Chief Army Lawyer, I salute you."
He pinned a second badge onto John Phoenix's lapel. John Phoenix beamed with pride, because now he was legally able to defend people both in court, and in military court.
Now it was dusk. John Phoenix and Miles Edgeworth, having cleared everything with the brass, went to the airfield to board Miles's plane and fly to Khurain.
"Good luck, Miles," said Carlos Flavioli. Carlos Flavioli was Edgeworth's friend and also another military prosecutor. Carlos Flavioli had sunglasses. "I wish I could go with you, but my broken feet and spine prevent me. Happy skies... partner."
"Good bye, Carlos Flavioli," said Edgeworth. He was friends with Carlos Flavioli.
Edgeworth donned his flight helmet, strapped on his goggles, twirled his scarf around his neck, and climbed into the driver's seat of his new triplane, "The Edgeworth II". It was the biggest triplane ever made because it had five seats. John Phoenix and Matt Engarde's motorcycles were also tied to the sides of the plane.
"All aboard!" Miles honked the steering wheel.
John Phoenix sat in the seat directly behind Miles, and Matt Engarde, Shelly de Killer, and Merlin sat in the other seats. The plane took off and began the long flight over the Pacific Ocean to Khurain, where John Phoenix hoped to find the truth behind the magic pen and the plot to frame his Uncle Phoenix.
"Perfect flying conditions," remarked Edgeworth. "Oh look, a flock of geese." He fired the machine guns and wiped out all the geese. Their bodies fell to earth and floated in the ocean. Edgeworth opened the bomb bay and dropped a bomb and it exploded just over the water and blew the geese corpses to smithereens and sent feathers flying everywhere. Like mentor like apprentice.
"Nice geese killing, dude," said Matt, throwing a thumbs up.
"Ha, how did you like that, John Phoenix?" asked Edgeworth. No reply. "John Phoenix?"
John Phoenix was lost in thought. He was fiddling with the bullet containing his mother's soul. He was wearing the bullet around his neck alongside his dog tags.
John Phoenix had asked Merlin if there was any way to free his mother's soul from the bullet so she could to heaven where she belonged, because she was a godly women, but Merlin had just told him it was impossible. No one could free someone from an angel bullet, not even god.
He was suddenly surprised to feel something wet oozing out of his eyeholes and running down his face. For one surreal moment he thought his eyes were bleeding, but no, he was just crying. He touched his tears and then held his hand out, shocked. Him? Crying? He had never cried before, not even when he was first birthed two months ago.
In that moment John Phoenix realized just how lonely he really was. His mother was dead, her soul trapped in a bullet forever; his father had died before John Phoenix had even been conceived; his cousin had been sent away to the orphanage due to a cruel twist of fate no one could have predicted; and his uncle Phoenix Wright, the man he respected and looked up to most of all, his hero, was being abused in prison by sadistic guards because everybody in America hated him for being a terrorist.
He tried to hold back the tears, but he couldn't, so he just tried to keep his weeping silent. Thankfully the only person who could see his tears was Edgeworth, who observed him briefly in the rearview mirror, and then tactfully looked away from his friend's moment of vulnerability.
He was a gentleman after all.
To be continued...
Bonus Emojis
John Phoenix crying 😂
The doctor 👴
Rhoda Teneiro 👩
Lauren Paups 👧
Carlos Flavioli 😎
