oh em gee: Thank you all for the sweet messages and reviews encouraging me to post more and come back. You guys are the absolute best. This chapter will mark the beginning of their GEH adventures, though it will officially start in Chapter 23. That's where the real fun will be.
Elena will continue to be in the very background of this story... she's not a major character but is still a bit of an influence. At least tthat was my intitial idea... i'm still working on that.
Everyone staying inside and safe? WASH THOSE HANDS! Real question: should I totally add a coronavirus storyline into this when I get to the March dates? LOL. No I won't, that will seriously kill the vibe.
CHAPTER 22 - I'm good by myself
January, 1st, 2020.
APOV:
FLASHBACK
I exit the tent and walk up the stairs to enter the house through the kitchen and see Sawyer standing guard.
"Looking real handsome Sawyer." I smile at him.
"You look okay too, Steele." He smirks.
"Damn, calm down Luke, you're bouncing off the walls with excitement." I laugh. "Listen, I'm just going in to use the bathroom and drop off my shoes. I'll be right out. Thanks so much for being here, I know working NYE isn't the greatest gig."
"I'm being paid well enough and please I'm totally going to swipe some champagne bottles on my way out. " He says with a wink and I can't help but giggle. "Let me know, I'll help with the great heist!" I offer.
I head in through the kitchen and walk through the central corridor to head over to the stairs to go up to my room but when I hear my name called.
"Anastasia Steele." I turn around and my eyes land on Medusa Incarnate.
"What do you want? You're not welcome here." I say.
"I'm here to give you some advice. You seem to have forgotten your place in life."
"You don't know the first thing about me."
"I know you're from a small town with no money and nothing but loans and a stack of credit card debt."
"Fuck you. You don't know anything." I bite back.
"Word to the wise. You're fooling yourself. This is just a scene Christian is forcing himself to believe in. What do you think? Dressing you up in designer dresses and getting your hair blown out will change that fact that you're a charity case who got her bones broken? You're weak and he will realize that soon enough. He needs a submissive in life. You think you're the first woman he hoped would save him? He has needs you couldn't even begin to fulfill. So take my advice and leave him. You're nothing but a distraction... an interruption."
"You don't know what the fuck you are talking about." I seethe.
"I made him. All of this... what you're wearing, this is because of what I taught him. What I showed him. I showed him how to ..."
"You didn't show him jack shit. You raped him. You took him away from himself and his family. You took him away from the potential of finding love, you made him believe he didn't deserve anything good in life. He loves me and I love him. We see a life together, we are meant to be together. And all of this you talk about, he achieved it all on his own. With his intelligence and his dedication."
She laughs at me. A cackling witch like laugh and it doesn't nothing but pronounce her ugliness further.
"You're making him weak. You'll ruin him and he'll come running back to me and I'll happily wait till that day."
"Sure, go ahead but you'll die waiting with all that shitty plastic surgery and fake nails, you go ahead and wait. He'll never come back to you. He'll never think of you. You're past tense. You are of no consequence anymore."
"You bitch." She lifts her hand to slap me but I catch her wrist mid swing and twist her arm around her back as Sawyer comes through and restrains her further after I step aside.
I turn around and see Grace radiating anger with tears in her eyes. She walks towards us and stands in front of a restrained Elena desperately trying to free herself from Sawyers grip.
"You insufferable bitch. You took my son away from me, from his family and from the world. I confided in you and you took advantage of a troubled boy and kept him in a dark place." She slaps Elena so hard that it scares the shit out of me and I feel the pain as well. Fuck, Grace can really pack a punch.
Elena looks defeated. "Throw her out of here Sawyer. She's nothing but scum." Grace yells.
END FLASHBACK.
I'm done getting ready for breakfast and have packed most of my things, I exit my room and see that Christian's door is still closed. I take a deep breath and walk towards it but before I can knock he opens it and walks out almost bumping into me causing me to gasp and jump back.
"Ana... I'm sorry, I didn't..."
"No, it's okay. You just startled me, I wasn't even sure you were in your room."
"I was heading down for breakfast. What time do you want to leave?"
"About that..." God, why is this so hard. "I think, I'll just go with Elliot, Kate and Mia. I'm not in a good place to talk right now. I just really want to go home and lay in my bed in peace and quiet. Last night really rattled me again. I don't think it's your fault... please don't think that... I'm just not in a good place and I'm really longing to be in my own space, alone." I can't even look at him but I somehow find the courage to for a quick second and his face is tense. I take a deep breath.
He rubs his forehead and takes a deep breath. "Okay."
I nod and turn away to go downstairs but he doesn't follow.
Last night was a bittersweet disaster. I got to kiss the love of my life but only under a heavy cloud of self-doubt and sadness. He sits in front of me, beautiful as ever but I can't look at him again because if I do, i'll lose all my resolve. I can feel his eyes, he won't stop looking at me, at this rate he could stare a hole into me with that intensity.
Breakfast is a recap of last night's shenanigans. Elliot, Kate and Mia do their best to keep the conversation going, while Grandpa Theo and Grandma Margot playfully argue with one another. I can tell Grace barely slept. Her eyes are puffy like mine. We exchange looks every now and then, and give each other small smiles as if to console each other in this confusing time. Carrick reads his morning newspaper but I can tell by his face that he too is worried.
I help clean up the table with Grace and Mia while Kate goes to pack some last minute things. Grandma Margot joins me in the kitchen as I make another cup of tea and gives me a hug and whispers to me...
"My grandson loves you fiercely, never doubt that. You both have survived so much already and you can overcome this too. You both will thrive, darling."
I feel the warmth and genuineness of her words and silently nod before going upstairs to gather the rest of my things before we leave. I ask Grace if I can speak to both her and Carrick in private before I leave and she agrees.
I bring my bag downstairs and leave my things by the door and turn to go find Grace but get distracted by the wall of photos they have in the central corridor. My favorite image is of Mia sitting on Christian's shoulders as Mia bends down to kiss his cheek while his face is scrunched up but there's still a shy smile.
"It's one of my favorite pictures with Mia." I hear him murmur as he stands next to me.
"You were so loved, Christian. Even now, you are so loved." I say trying to hold back tears.
"I've been trying to understand and come to terms with that fact as of recent." I can hear the sadness and regret in his voice.
"I hope you find peace with it soon."
"Ana, please reconsider. After last night, we need to talk..."
"I'm not in a good place right now. I'll just be a crying mess. I need to keep my thoughts and emotions in check and I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm really trying to come out of this. I want to be articulate when we talk and I can't be that right now. It's unfair to the both of us." I quickly turn away and find Grace having coffee with her parents. She looks up and smiles and tells me that Carrick is already in his office. I follow her and close the door, he gets up from his desk and joins Grace on the two chairs across from the couch where I'm sitting.
"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me before I left. I wanted to say that I'm so grateful for everything you've done, for opening your home to me and taking care of me in... all of this. I will never forget your kindness..." I try my best not to cry.
"Ana, please... you're embarrassing us. You're like family now, it's been forever since we had the house filled with people we love." Grace says with tears forming in her eyes.
"Still, I don't ever want you to think I've taken any of it for granted. As mentioned before I said I'd be taking a break from my relationship with Christian. After last night's run in with Elena, I'm fully convinced that this is the right thing to do even though it's excruciating... please believe me when I say that I truly love your son. He is the love of my life but if last night's event was any indication; there is a lot that I need to reconcile with. Not just in terms of his past but also this big life he has. I didn't grow up with all this, I've always had a degree of separation from it growing up with Nita. I was just a visitor at the high society weddings but it wasn't my life." I take a deep breath. You can do this Ana, just breathe. "Last night so many people asked me how I was able to land the most eligible bachelor in town and possibly America and I know... I know... people talk that's what they do but when you've happily lived an anonymous life for so long, any threat to that feels like an invasion. " I look up at them and I see Carrick nod in understanding as he rubs Grace's back.
"Money has never been my driving force in life. Family has. My own mother didn't want me and my stepfather did his absolute best and more along with Nita, so you could say I've always just wanted a stable family and while I feel like you're my family as well, I need to also realize that Christian's life outside of this bubble is all consuming and I'm not mentally strong enough to deal with it right now. With all that Elena said last night, there was some truth to it. This break will help Christian realize whether or not this relationship we have is just a novelty or..." I feel a lump burn in my throat and tears free fall. "Because I don't want to be an experiment."
Grace gets up and sits next to me and pulls me in for a hug.
"Ana, I appreciate you saying all this. We know how much you love him, you don't owe us any explanations. All of this will take time. This is the first time Christian has opened up to us and we have a lot to make up for with him. Thank you for bringing our son out of his shell, we wish we could've done more for him but he's here now and we're going to do our best to continue being there for him." Carrick says with a warm smile but I can tell he's heartbroken.
I nod. "I asked him for complete isolation in our personal life but he's your son and you already know how stubborn he is..." Grace laughs at my comment "just try and keep in touch with him... I know Elliot and Mia will do that same... just to make sure he's sleeping and eating well. He loves you all, he just is stuck in his own head when it comes to his own view of himself. He's so unkind to himself. He'll never admit to this to himself but he does need you guys, he's just... afraid I think."
"Thank you, Ana and of course we will check in on him. I'll give you full reports of his well being." She smiles.
"I just need a little time to go back to my life where I can think clearly and have a routine and make an informed decision." I say with resolve.
"You should take all the time you need. We'll be here for anything you may need. We're family now." Carrick says with a smile. We get up and they both hug me. We leave the study and I'm met with Grandpa Theo and Christian talking in the room across from the study, Christian looks worried as he sees me with tears and his parents behind him. I really need to get out of here.
As we get ready to leave, I hug Grandpa Theo who tries to slip me his number making us all laugh out loud and Margot smacks his arm as I go in to hug her as well. I give Grace and Carrick one last hug and turn to Christian. Everyone slowly walks out the door to give up some privacy.
I tiptoe and kiss his cheek and say thank you. He pulls me close into crushing hug, his scent and warmth is intoxicating and I want to melt into him. "I know you need time, but I'll always be here. Promise you'll come back to me." I hear the fear in his voice as it brings me back to reality. "I'm trying." I murmur. He kisses my forehead and tips my face to meet his eyes. His lips are so close, no Ana don't, and with whatever little self-control I have, I turn to walk out. I hear him follow me and I want to desperately run back into his arms but I must keep going forward.
I must not look back.
CPOV
I wanted to kiss her but instead, I just watched her get into the car and drive off. I went back up to my room to back and brought my bags down. Just as I'm about to text Taylor I hear Mom call me from the kitchen. I walk in her direction.
"Stay for dinner Christian, I'll make apple pie." Grandma Margot asks.
"Thanks Grandma but I've got a lot of work to do and I need the home office for some things." I tell her. She smiles and nods.
"Christian, honey, do you have sometime free before you go? Your father and I were hoping we could talk for a bit."
Oh fuck. I don't know if I can handle this.
"Yeah, sure. Now?"
"Yes, would you like some more coffee? Or something to eat?"
Mom used to always offer me something to eat, mostly some sweet treat before we had a serious conversation when I was young, as if to soften the upcoming blow.
"I'm good, Mom but thanks."
I walk into Dad's office and he looks up and smiles at me. Weird. So weird. He's been quite generous with his smiling lately. Mom walks in a few seconds later and I sit on the same chair as I always have for the previous lectures I've gotten since I was a teen.
They sit across from me but the energy feels calmer.
"Mom, Dad... what's this about?"
Dad clears his throat but Grace is the one to speak with a wavering voice.
"I'm sorry, Christian. We're sorry. For being so blind and absent and even now, being so caught up with everything that we never took the time out to sit down with you and tell you how much we love you and how proud we are of you. You've achieved and changed the world so much despite what happened to you and you've been so present and committed to Ana in her time of need. You're our son; we're always going to love you. We might get it wrong every now and then but don't doubt how much we love you."
Oh fuck. This was not what I was expecting. The emotion is too much. I cannot speak. The last thing I want is to bawl like a baby in front of them. I silently nod.
"Son, that god awful woman will get what's coming to her. I was exploring options to bring criminal charges against her but the statute of limitations expired but if there's anything we can do to help you with this outside of emotional support, you tell us."
"I appreciate that Dad. I talked to Travis about getting me out of business with her last week but this little stunt she pulled last night... I'll have it taken care of. I don't want you two worry. Though, Mom I have to ask, how was it slapping her face?" I chuckle.
Grace laughs through the tears. "I'm a pacifist but I have to admit it was barely satisfying, I wouldn't mind having another go at her." I smirk at the thought of Grace going crazy beating the crap out of Elena.
"I'm sorry. I should've trusted you guys when I was younger, I was just too lost inside of my own issues and anger."
Grace gets up and pulls the chair next to me a little closer and takes her place. She holds on to my arm. "Don't be. You were a child. Life was so scary for you before and I understand... it was a confusing time and this was honestly our fault. I told her about you, I thought I was confiding in a friend when she offered to help you with the summer job but I should've been more aware. Please trust us now, Christian. We love you and we only want you to be happy. Cary and I have been talking about the lifestyle stuff too, we don't understand it but we're going to trust you. It's none of our business. Our business is wanting to see you happy and we hope that Ana gets better soon and you both are back to the way you were." She says crying.
I kiss her temple and squeeze her hand. "Thanks mom. It means the world to hear this." My voice is barely a whisper.
"Son, you can always come to us. We're here and we only want the best for you. Know that you can trust us."
I silently nod.
"How will you deal with running into Ana at work?" Grace asks.
"I'm going to do my best to give her space. It'll be difficult because... I've gotten so used to having her in my life and for to suddenly not be there is... it's a challenge."
No, it's fucking devastating. Challenge is something I can win, overcome. Devastating is something I have to silently experience.
They both nod. "Son, she just needs time. When I fucked up with Gracie... back in the last century... she gave me the silent treatment from hell but she came back. And Ana, she really loves you. Patience and faith. You'll need a lot of that but she'll come back." I look to Mom and she gives a wink with a reassuring smile.
"What did she say to you guys?" I ask.
"She was just saying thank you and that she loved you and needed some time away." Grace shares. "You can get through this Christian."
I don't know if I can mom.
"Thanks mom."
Thursday, January 2nd, 2020
APOV
Coming back to my apartment was emotional experience. I was finally in a space that was mine. Me. I was in my own space. Of course all the food had gone bad so Elliot and Mia helped us empty out the fridge and throw out the trash. We then walked to the corner market to get basics and ordered in Chinese and watched some TV. Mia and Kate are flying out to LA tomorrow for the golden globes. Perks of being the daughter of a media mogul? You get tickets to all the award shows. This however is Kate's first time going as a representative of Kavanagh Media since her dad is in London for business.
I came home to two big dish barrel sized u-haul moving boxes in the building mailroom filled with clothes that Kiran had sent. She recently went on a shopping spree and sent me some of her old stuff, which is... a lot, which means I don't have to worry about wardrobe for another 4-6 months. Kate and I go through them and it's a given that she can take whatever she wants but Kate's style has always been on the... edgier and wild side. I've definitely learned some tricks from her, otherwise I'd be a mother Mary at work. This new haul of hand me downs is exquisite. Kiran recently went through a very tailored and sharp phase for her work wear so this works perfectly for me because it's exactly how I want to feel. I want to feel a boss ass bitch and I want my clothes to speak for me.
I sleep well for the first time in days, though my dreams still are a blur of his kisses and us dancing under starry skies followed by being tied up and whipped. It's confusing. My body is craving him. It's almost unholy but also right. It feels right to want him.
The whole apartment is quiet as I make my breakfast and enjoy the solitude. I leave notes for Mia all over the kitchen to show here where everything is should she want to cook breakfast. I choose to wear a fun white asymmetrical peplum top with black cigarette pants that are slightly above the ankle. I pair them with my black kitten heels and do my signature ponytail. I layer on the mascara and apply a slight blush with some highlighter to give me a bit of a glow and leave the apartment with purpose. Today will be good. Going back to a routine will be good.
I head out of the apartment humming a favorite to get me in the mood to face the day.
'Cause I already got a good thing with me (good thing with me)
Yeah, I already got everything I need (everything I need)
The best things in life are already mine
Don't tell me that you got a good thing for me
'Cause I already got a good thing with me (good thing with me)
Yeah, I already done everything I dream (everything I dream)
I'm good by myself, don't need no one else
Don't tell me that you got a good thing for me
'Cause I already got a good thing
I feel the wind get knocked out me as soon as I leave my apartment building. I see Sawyer get out of the Audi SUV and open the door for me. I told Christian our lives were to be separate outside of GEH. I look around and I see another Audi parked a few cars behind and doing a shitty job of blending in. I can see your fucking number plate, asshole. I give it the death glare. I walk up to Sawyer ready to unleash my wrath on him but then I remember he's a friend now and he's just following orders.
"Morning, Steele."
"Good Morning, Sawyer. I never thanked you for New Year's Eve, thank you for always looking out for me."
"Just doing my job, Steele." He says with a nod and smile.
"Listen, I know it's your job to essentially narc on me but I'm pissed at your boss and we're on a break. I am walking to work. "
Sawyer stifles a laugh. "I haven't heard the word narc in forever but Mr. Grey will not be pleased."
"Well, that's tough luck for Mr. Grey."
I turn to start walking and I suddenly hear Taylor call after me. I stop and groan as I turn around.
"Miss Steele. I understand the situation but please understand, it's not safe for you to be going anywhere alone without protection."
I decide that instead of arguing with him, I'm just going to go back to the apartment and wait them out.
"You know what Taylor, I didn't ask for any of this. The only reason why I could possibly be in danger is because of him. So you know what, fuck it. I'm going back to the apartment because I don't feel well anyway. Tell Gail I miss her and Happy New Year to you both." He nods and gives me a small smile "Happy New Year, Miss Steele."
Once I get to the apartment, I want to scream but everyone is still sleeping so that's a no go. Think Ana, think. I could take an uber from the back exit of the building but he could easily track my credit card purchases. I wouldn't put it past him, to track me that way, fuck he's probably tracking my phone right now. I'll use Nita's uber account and venmo her the money. Yes, that will work. I request and take the elevator to the 2nd floor and use the fire exit stairs to avoid being seen from the front lobby and walk to the back exit for the building where my Uber is waiting. I turn my phone off and get into the car.
I'm at GEH in less than 15 minutes.
I walk to my desk and put my things away. Time to face Mr. Travis. God, this will be embarrassing. I knock on his door and I see him reading over some documents. He looks up and smiles. Oh god, be strong Steele. You can do this.
"Good morning, Mr. Travis. Happy New Year."
"Happy New Year Ana, how are you feeling?"
"I'm doing well. I was hoping I could have 5 minutes of your time to talk about a personal matter."
"Of course. Please sit."
I take a seat in front of his desk and do my best to channel my inner Steele.
"Mr. Travis, Chris...I mean Mr. Grey, told me that he spoke with you regarding what happened recently with my health and confirmed that we are in a relationship."
He smiles and nods. "Yes he did."
"I wanted to assure you that this will not affect my work in anyway aside from what happened very recently. It was something that was out of my control but I am working to better myself. I don't want you to think that I will slack off or take advantage of my association with him. I am extremely dedicated to my job and committed to serving the interests of GEH as a whole. I hope that my work from my before my association with him will speak loud enough to my intentions as an employee of this company." I say with as much sincerity as I can. "I'm extremely discrete about my private life and I haven't told anyone here, even my closest GEH friends, I haven't told them. I value my privacy and I know the fascination with Mr. Grey... so I don't want ot cause any problems for anyone."
He begins to speak with paternal affection. "Ana, I appreciate you saying all this but you didn't have to. You've proven yourself time and time again. I trust your judgement and your work has been exceptional so far. I know you're a perfectionist, it's honestly scary sometimes but you've made things really easy for me so I have no doubt that you will continue to do so. Please feel free to talk to me should any problems arise. I've known Christian since he was a teenager and seen him accomplish all this while standing by him every step of the way and now to see him meet someone like you, I'm honestly happy for you both. I understand things a little rocky right now but it'll be smooth sailing in no time.
I swallow and give him a weak smile.
"Thank you Mr. Travis. I appreciate this."
"I see you as a daughter. Please don't ever hesitate to talk to me in the future."
Oh Mr. Travis, please don't make me cry.
"Thank you sir, that means a lot." I smile trying to hold back tears.
CPOV
I know she said she wanted me to stay away but I can't. I need to see her, I need to see that she's okay. I see her walk out with the bubbling energy she usually has but her face falls flat as soon as she registers the car to pick her up, with Sawyer jumping out to hold the door open for her. She looks around and her eyes land on my SUV and she just stares and it's like she can see through, it makes me flinch slightly.
She turns her head back to Sawyer and walks straight up to him. I can tell she's probably ripping him to shreds because his head is hanging the entire time. She turns and starts to walk away.
"Sir, let me go speak to her." Taylor stops me before I open my door to go after her.
"Fine. Tell her how important it is for her to have security."
I see Taylor run behind her and stop her. Again, I see that same fire and she is pissed as hell. She throws up her hands and walks back into the building.
"What did she say?" I ask as soon as Taylor opens the door to sit in again.
"Sir, she said she's not going to work, she's not feeling well."
I can see a hint of a smile on his face. He's probably enjoying the fact that someone is finally standing up to me. Me too, Taylor, me too but there can be no compromises when it comes to safety.
"Taylor, I'm going upstairs to talk to her." Hopefully I can reason with her and see her beautiful face up close.
Grateful that my name is on approved visitors list, I head up to her apartment and knock. No one opens. I knock a few more times and a sleepy Kate opens the door.
"Grey, it is too early in the morning." She yawns. "It's 8am Kate, where's Ana?"
"Let me see." She heads on to Ana's room and walks back "Ana's gone to work. Why?"
"No, I was just downstairs and she told Taylor she wasn't feeling well and came up. She can't go anywhere alone, she needs security. It's imperative."
Kate looks at me and I can see the wheels turning. "Ah, she gave you guys the slip then, that's my girl." Kate yawns and giggles.
"Call her Kate, this is not funny. I don't fuck around when it comes to security." She gives me a 'fuck off' look but goes back into her room to get her phone. In the meantime I call Welch and tell him to track her phone and credit cards and get back to me on any recent purchases.
"I called her, her phone is off." Kate tells me and sets the phone to speakerphone as she tries again.
I get a call from Welch almost immediately that her phone's last location was the apartment and there have been no credit card purchases for the past week with the exception of automatic bill payments or subscriptions.
"Keep trying her Kate."
My phone buzzes. "Grey."
"Sir, Miss Steele just walked into GEH. Front desk just alerted me." Taylor informs me.
"Thank fuck. Okay I'll be right down."
I look to Kate. "She's already at work. It appears she may have taken an uber but definitely not with her own credit card. Did you help her?"
"Don't look at me like that. She has my uber credentials but she didn't use my account and you know what, I don't need to give you any further information. She's a grown ass woman and she can do whatever she wants. Let her be Christian. "
"I can't Kate. If anything happened to her, I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
"Then stop trying to smother her. Let her come to you. Stop just being there. Let her come find you. God you men are so fucking hopeless sometimes. I'm going back to bed. Bye."
I leave the apartment wanting to punch the wall in frustration. I sit in the car feeling so fucking out of control. I count back from 20 at least 15 times.
"Sir, might I propose a new covert be assigned to Miss Steele? " I hear Taylor's voice cut through the blur of my angry mind.
"Fine, make sure it's a woman then. Hopefully it'll be harder for her to suspect. And I want full activity reports at the end of each day."
"Noted. I'll have it done by lunch time."
...
Trying to focus is a fucking nightmare. My eyes keep darting to the chair where she got on her knees... Fuck. Just thinking of it gets me hard.
"Welch, I need access to the CCTV feed for the elevators, 5th floor, 18th floor, the lobby and outside plaza."
"Yes sir. Emailing you a link in the next 2 minutes."
Yes, this will help. I can watch her. God, I sound like a creepy motherfucker.
Tuesday, January 14th, 2020
Any chance of sleep has been shot to hell. My running routes are longer; Taylor hates my guts for sure. I'm meeting with Claude twice a day, I even had the overconfident fucker for session over the weekend. That's never happened. It's been 13 days since I was close enough to hold her. 13 long and difficult days. Watching her on the CCTV doesn't do her justice; I have a serious problem now. I'm restless and irritable. I've seen Ana around the building and she's diligently ignored me... it fucking stings and it's messing with my head.
I get activity reports from her assigned covert protection. She's been staying late at work. Sometimes she'll take a Pilates class during the week and on the weekend. Last weekend she went to two museums and walked around the city aimlessly. She's recalibrating. The covert attaches pictures to their reports and I see so much sadness in her. I wonder what she's thinking? This past weekend, she went out to brunch with her GEH friends and then went back to their place and got back home late. I feel incredibly jealous. She should be with me. We should be together.
Taylor drops me off at the front entrance after my lunch meeting and I walk in to a group of people waiting for the elevator. I immediately spot Ana, her hair is curled and hangs off of her back. She moves to take of her coat, while leaning over a fellow female employee's shoulder to see something on her phone. They both giggle like little schoolgirls. I'm a couple of feet away hoping she doesn't sense me until we're in the elevator.
I hear the male employee to Ana's left start to speak, I take a good look and realize it's her friend Jose.
"God, I honestly don't know how to you drink that shit?" He says with disgust.
"With your receding hair line, I honestly don't know how you can not." She sneers and I try to stifle a grin. Miss Steele never holds back.
"Hag." He scoffs.
"Queen." She giggles.
"Seriously, you're the only person I know who likes shit like that. Carrot and ginger juice, I mean... at least tell me there's some alcohol in there?"
"There's orange and lemon juice in here too, it's not so bad. At least try some... here." She hands the bright orange drink to him. I see Jose shiver and wave his hand dismissively towards her. "Get that white girl shit away from me."
"I'm ignoring you now." Ana declares and turns to the woman on her right. "Val, can you ask Anita to respond to my emails. Sam told me she's reliable but I've sent her three emails already. I need feasibility reports with the different zoning options for Lot 43. There's an internal meeting tomorrow to finalize what option to go for before the appointment with the Mayor and SDCI commissioner with the City on Friday and legal needs a final lookover on the language."
"I'll give her a nudge." Val offers.
"No tell her to at least reply to my damn email with an ETA. The lack of response is what pisses me off." Ana says annoyed.
The elevator doors open and we all shuffle in. Ana turns around while taking a sip of her drink and our eyes lock, she immediately looks to her phone and ignores me as I turn my back to her. Fuck, those lips.
As the elevator stops on multiple floors, the crowd thins out till there is only Ana, Jose, Val and myself in the confined space. The both do not say a word as they stand behind me. I can smell Ana's perfume and the pull of her body. I need her.
The doors open at 18 and I see her walk out from behind me with Jose, who turns to his left while Ana heads straight ahead down the hall. God she has a great ass. That leather pencil skirt is sexy as fuck. She's in a black knit top with a leather pencil skirt and black polka dot heels with bows on them. I love how she pairs the softness with a bit of edge.
I get back to the office and log into the CCTV footage and click back a few minutes to see Ana during the elevator ride. She barely looks up at me. Val and Jose make exaggerated faces after pointing at me while fanning themselves and Ana looks towards the back of my head and then rolls her eyes at them. It makes me laugh. If only your friends knew Miss Steele.
I see a ping show up and lo and behold it's Ana's messages from the GEH internal chat forum. Yes, I got that forwarded to me too, why? Because it's my fucking company and I can do whatever I very well please.
V. Clarke: Seriously, how can you not think he's hot?
A. Steele: By having better things to do Val.
V. Clarke: He was TOTALLY checking out your ass. GIRL.
Oh fuck. I got caught.
A. Steele: Okay, you need to relax. For real.
V. Clarke: Oh come on, indulge me? Just admit he's hot.
A. Steele: Remember the golden words "STAY AWAY FROM..."? That also applies to pointless conversations of his 'hotness.' Now get Anita to reply to my god damn email.
V. Clarke: God, are you sure you're straight?
I can't help but chuckle. I have half a mind to fire this Val Clarke woman but her conversations with Ana prove to be entertaining. A couple of seconds later I hear another ping.
J. Rodriguez: Heard someone got their ass checked out. Though, I'm gutted it wasn't mine given how I've been working out to get that JLo level booty.
A. Steele: FFS. Val and her big mouth and also... you both are INSANE.
J. Rodriguez: Well my dreams are crushed.
A. Steele: You have a husband Jose, *facepalm
J. Rodriguez: So? A guy can dream.
A. Steele: You guys really need a new hobby.
J. Rodriguez: No, we need to get you laid and a boyfriend ASAP. I know a few people. I keep telling you I can get you an activation key for your...
A. Steele: DON'T YOU DARE COMPLETE THE SENTENCE JOSE NOEL RODRIGUEZ.
J. Rodriguez: oooh feisty... definitely adding that to your online profile.
A. Steele: You might want to get insurance on that sorry ass of yours, JLo like did.
J. Rodriguez: Why, you gonna spank me?
A. Steele: GO TO HELL WITH YOUR RECEDING HAIR LINE RODRIGUEZ.
J. Rodriguez: Already have a first class tickets there boo, taking you and Val with me. A Queen always needs her hags.
I'm equally amused and pissed off by these exchanges.
The afternoon drones on with meetings and conference calls of me mostly yelling. The lack of sex is getting to me. Which technically should not be a problem since I've gone as long as a whole year without sex but with Ana, it's not just sex... it's... a holy experience I crave and absolutely need. Having Ana this close yet so fucking far is throwing off my game. Ros has already given me a piece of her mind. Olivia has steered clear of me and I'm pretty sure Andrea has the nearest asylum on speed dial.
I'm going over one some renewal contracts when I realize that it's dark outside and I check the time to see it's just after 6. I open the CCTV feed and see Ana typing furiously. Every now and then she stretches and rolls out the kinks in her neck. Oh baby, I'd love to give you a massage and then make you come so hard you'd forget what planet you're on. She gets a call on her cell and picks it up and I see her face light up. She turns off her computer and jumps up wearing her coat in a frenzy and dashes towards the elevator. What the fuck has got her all excited?
I switch to the elevator CCTV then to the front lobby and then the plaza feed as she moves through the spaces. Once she's out in the plaza, I see her run up and hug a tall guy. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK? I can barely see his face but by the looks of it he seems blonde. It's definitely not Elliot. FUCK. WHO IS THIS GUY. They jump into a car and drive off.
"Welch, Miss Steele just exited the building and met with a man in the plaza. Run facial recognition and give me his info."
"On it, Sir."
I hang up and proceed to call Taylor.
"Get the car out front. We're going to Miss Steele's."
Count, Grey. Count. Breathe. Do not lose control. I keep telling myself this mantra as Taylor drives like bat through hell to get to Ana's apartment. He can sense my bristling anger.
I get to the front of her building and pretty much run out of the car and make my way up to her apartment. I get to her door and hear loud laughter and it pierces through my soul. I feel my phone buzz but fuck that shit. I bang on the door like a madman, close to breaking it.
Ana opens the door and her face goes from confused to pissed off in an instant. I look at her and then see the blonde opening a beer bottle.
"Who the fuck is he Ana?" I shout.
"How dare you Christian?" She yells back.
"Don't fuck with me Ana, who is he?"
I see Kate rush out of her room and look at us.
"Ethan Albert Kavanagh, meet Christian Trevelyan Grey. Apparently he's forgotten his manners today."
I feel a fraction of relief but I'm still pissed as fuck. I try to find my next words when Ana asks Kate and Ethan to give us privacy. Kate gives me the death glare while her and Ethan head out to their bar nearby to wait for Elliot and Mia. They close the door behind them and I turn my face to Ana.
"What the fuck are you playing at? Hugging random men outside on the street? You think this is funny?" I'm clenching my fists so hard I feel they will bleed
She looks at me with what I can only sense is disgust.
"He is not a random man. He is my best friend's older brother who by the way I see as a brother as well. He was in the area meeting with a recruiter and got done as soon as I did so we decided to share an uber. And how the fuck did you find out?"
"Security alerted me. I saw the way he held you and looked at you. He wants what's mine. I don't give a shit how you see him, I know how men see you and what they're thinking of when they see you. "
She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath and proceeds to speak in the calmest voice.
"We're setting him up with Mia tonight. They're actually pretty excited to meet each other if you must know..."
Oh. Oh fuck. FUCKKKK.
"...now, I'm going to put this in the only way you will understand. We had a verbal agreement where upon you agreed to give me space in my personal life. You broke that agreement twice already, first with the security and now with this visit. I will not let there be a third time. As of now I am not your girlfriend, I sure as hell am not your submissive to order around. Our only relationship is that of an employee and employer and right now what you are doing is a gross invasion of my personal time and privacy... Please leave."
We're standing about 6 feet apart but I walk up to her and get in her face. How dare she fucking speaking to me this way. I'm pissed as fuck and turned on. Right now I could fuck her into next week.
"You think you can just get over me? You think I'm that easy to get over? TELL ME ANASTASIA? BECAUSE LAST I CHECKED... YOU'RE MINE AND ONLY MINE." I almost grab her but she takes a several steps back using her hand signaling me to stop. For a beat I see fear flash across her face as she shivers, similar to when I walked into her sitting in my room the first day at mom and dad's and I feel an immediate pang of regret.
I see her grit her teeth trying to maintain her composure and god she smells intoxicating. This is confusing but she doesn't break eye contact for even a second.
"And there it is. Dominant-Megalomaniac CEO Christian Grey. Boy, you really are full of yourself. Let me tell you something Christian Grey, I came back from death. What kind of a feat do you think getting over you will be?" She asks with her voice heavy and I can see tears begin to fall but her anger still burning bright. I feel a punch to the gut as my world slowly falls apart.
"You don't mean that." My voice is barely a whisper. I feel a lump strangle my throat.
"Get the fuck out of my apartment before I throw you out." She seethes.
I swallow and slowly retreat to leave. I don't know how I get back to the car or even to Escala. It's all a blur. I check Welch's 4 missed calls and text confirming Ethan's identity. I fucked up. I fucked up, again.
I text John tell him I need an emergency session tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 15th, 2020
"John... I can't explain it. I felt the ground fall out from under me."
"Christian, do you trust Anastasia?"
"Implicitly."
"Then why go to her apartment and accuse her of not only cheating on you but claiming that she wouldn't be able to get over you?"
"Because I'm a sick fuck John. When I saw her hugging Kate's brother on the CCTV footage, I lost my shit. How can she not want me? She said that we were meant to be together, I KNOW we're meant to be together. Then how can she just walk away? Just the thought of rejection sent me into a spiral."
"Well, she asked for space and you disrespected that request. In fact you keep disrespecting her need for space and now her privacy." John says matter of factly. Yeah, no shit Sherlock, I don't need to pay you $550 an hour to realize that.
"I know. I know. FUCK... I know I overreacted and now I don't know what the fuck to do."
"Christian, you're a brilliant and shrewd businessman but Ana is not a business. She is a human being with free will and complex emotions just like yourself. She is your equal in this relationship and she expressed a need that is not being met."
"What about my fucking needs? I need her but it's so fucking easy for her to just walk around without me."
"Well, right now you're assuming her ease of being in this current situation. You don't know what she's going through. You have to understand that she had a life before you. A network she created for herself that she can fall back on. You, in comparison are quite closed off so while she can find distraction in real life, you in your personal life are unable to do because of the choices you made. Therefore your fixation on her is unhealthy Christian. You both analyze and process situations very differently. I highly encourage you to talk to your peers. Talk to Elliot, he's your brother and has your best interest at heart."
"Has she been coming to therapy?"
"I'm not at liberty to discuss her sessions or her visits with you unless I have her consent Christian, you know this already."
"Fuck. I know. I just... She won't talk to me John, there's so much I want to say. Fucking Elena, fucked it all up. We were doing so well those last two days and her visit compromised everything."
"Christian, in addition to being your therapist I also see you as a friend and therefore right now I'm going to give you advice as a friend. Often doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do. As someone who for the better part of the last decade has been used to getting his way, this new experience in your life is an education. You must take this as opportunity to learn more about yourself and evolve."
Why is this fucker always right? I am not about to give him the satisfaction but he is right. I need to calm the fuck down and keep my word. If she is to ever trust me again, I need to fucking get my shit together.
APOV
I'm at my desk and all I want to do is cry. The anger and hurt from last night is still coursing through my veins.
"Mia, Elliot, I know he's your brother and you love him but I will cut his balls off if he EVER pulls a stunt like this again. He's on my shit list." Kate says with passionate disdain.
"Don't worry babe, I'll beat you to it." Elliot offers. "
"I'm so sorry Ana. He really doesn't think sometimes." Mia pulls me in for a hug.
"It's okay guys, I'm just shocked that's all." I try my best to act like I'm okay when in reality I want to breakdown and cry the rest of my days. I've never been accused of disloyalty, ever.
"Are you sure about my birthday dinner next week? Will it be uncomfortable for you?" Elliot asks me.
"What? Don't be silly. I'll be fine, besides Kiran and Daniel will be there too. It'll be more than fine." I assure him with a smile and go in to hug him. "Maybe we should be careful hugging, Christian might come barreling through the door again." Elliot teases and I laugh.
I get texts through out the day from everyone checking in on me. Even Grace calls and I put her mind at ease. God, they really do love the both of us. If only that mercurial man upstairs got it through his thick head how much we adore him then we'd not be having these problems.
Towards late afternoon I get a call from Dr. Flynn.
"Ana, I hope I haven't called at a bad time."
"No, Dr. Flynn... is everything okay?"
"I actually wanted to check up on you. I spoke with Christian and he mentioned what happened last night. I wanted to see how you were doing."
Don't cry, Ana. Don't cry. "I'm okay Dr. Flynn. I mean...I have no other option now do I. I can't exactly afford to just sit at home and wallow over this?" I let out a slight chuckle.
"Agreed. I wanted to see when you want to schedule your next appointment. I thought we made a deal for you to come to therapy regularly. "
"I know and I'm sorry. I've been trying to catch up at work since I missed so many days. I'll call Marcy and schedule the appointment... could you transfer me to her so I can settle the bill first?"
I know I need to see him soon and not let any further negative feelings fester but a part of me is too numb. I need to process this on my own so that I can get the most out of my sessions instead of just crying the entire time. I can cry for free on my own time. I haven't even thought of how much he charges an hour. Great; another unforeseen expense.
"Hey Marcy, I wanted to settle my bill for the last three sessions before I book another one."
"Miss Steele, your bill has been paid for in advance."
"What? No, there has to be a mistake, I just recently became patient, there is no way my bill got paid for in advance."
"That's what I'm seeing in my system right now. You don't owe any payment for the foreseeable future."
"Can you tell me who made the payments on my account?"
"Let me see... hmmm... yes payments were made by a Mr. Grey."
I hang up and curse inwardly. That overly generous motherfucker, I love him and I want to beat the living crap out of him.
I decide to go down to the 3rd floor to the security office to talk to Taylor.
"Miss Steele, how can I help?" Taylor stands immediately. His office is like a security command center from a movie. There's a whole wall plastered with screens. I see another man who looks at me and immediately looks away to focus on his screen and type away.
"Uh, who is he?" I whisper.
"That's Welch, he's our security consultant for special projects but you can speak freely, I assure you."
"Okay... so I know you have someone following me and that he's watching me on the cameras. I've never run into him this many times ever in my time at GEH. I need this to stop. Please. I'm feeling suffocated"
"Miss Steele, this is conversation you need to have with Mr. Grey."
"If Mr. Grey was a reasonable man, I'd have a conversation but since we both know how absolutely bat shit crazy he can be given what happened last night, I am coming to you as a last resort." I see Taylor try to stifle a smile while Welch snorts.
"I'm glad you all find me funny." I can't help but giggle myself and then tears start to fall. Taylor, like the gentleman he is, offers me a handkerchief.
"Thank you, Taylor."
Taylor whispers to me "He is a good man, just a little hot headed. He really feels for you, this is all very new to him." I nod, trying to stop my tears from flowing even more. "He scared me Taylor."
"I can imagine and I'm sorry you went through that."
"How is he?" Taylor's eyes soften. "He feels like shit that's for sure."
"Is he eating and sleeping?"
"Not much. Gail has tried to get him to eat but he's been distracted and holed up in his office."
I look away trying my best not to breakdown anymore.
This last week, I did my best to rebuild myself. Being in my apartment and getting back into routine has been such a blessing. At first I was hurt and lost, mostly numb. I didn't feel like myself but now, I'm feeling anger. Anger at everything but mostly at myself, I was so weak that I let revelations from Christian's past bring me to a breaking point. I should've been stronger. I shouldn't have been so pathetic.
I was so desperate to run away from San Francisco that I refused to talk about my life with other people because I didn't want it to be real. I wanted to tuck it away into a dark corner. I compartmentalized to the point where no one except, Kate and now Christian with his family know everything. I have all these friends and none of them know anything real about me. They know this façade. Which yes, is a part of my personality but it's not my whole truth. I have kept them all at a distance. Since the rape, aside from Kate, Christian is the first person; I've truly opened up to. I want to tell him everything but there's so much pain inside of me that... but he has enough of his own. I need to learn to keep my pain to myself. With Kate, I've rarely cried talking about my shit. I've always just put it in bullet points and we've sat there and analyzed it. With Christian, I want to break down like a baby, wanting to be held. Wanting to be protected and it makes me hate myself because I hated that shit when people would just hug me in recovery. I had no control over my body and people would just throw themselves at me and even though I couldn't feel it, I still hated it.
I should be stronger. Dad told me I was strong. Nani told me I was strong. So I channeled that energy into my physical recovery and I made strides. I became that 0.01% of the population to make a full recovery from full paralysis. I came back.
Then why don't I feel strong?
Before the accident, I didn't have any secrets because I never felt the need to hide anything. I lived an incredibly simple life. I had friends in band and that was enough for me. I had an amazing relationship with Kiran and Vishaal. After the accident, everything changed. I had so much of what felt like darkness inside of me. So I kept it in. I kept the pain inside but I confided in Vishaal. He was my brother and we were each others vaults. I told him about my fears and dreams but he let me down. Then after that morning I realized, no one wants to see a sad girl because they either way to runaway from her or break her further. I suppressed it and after a while it became a numbing force that helped me push through.
Kiran's wedding was the first time I showed real emotion in regards to myself and that too so freely, and it was the first time I talked about my accident or even alluded to it in public. I thought it'd make me feel better but it made me feel trapped. Trapped by the pitiful stares.
Is Christian really with me because he just sees me as a project? A broken girl in need of repair? Will he toss me aside eventually? Maybe this break will help him realize that. He has a big life and important life. My issues shouldn't burden it further.
Maybe this break will help me realize that I am better off alone. Yes I need to work on myself. I need to go to therapy but I need to be alone. No one deserves to deal with a partner with this level of tragedy brewing inside of her.
There are days when I think I should just move back to Montesano. Go back to that small and simple life. We still have dad's house. I could get a job at the local library. I could tutor kids and babysit. I could live a small and simple life again. I could be safe again.
I just want to be safe again.
Authors Note: The next chapter will be very interesting. Ana and Christian will officially be introduced to each other at work and more fun things will happen.
Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 22 board :)
Music:
Good Thing - Zedd & Kehlani.
