Regulus was not pleased with the recent developments at all. Lily, a mudblood and a member of the Order of the Phoenix, had apparently moved into his flat. He had invited Severus to live there, not her - he could not overstate how stupid he thought Severus was being. It was hard enough to be stuck at Hogwarts while Severus was in London, without getting this type of news. So what if Lily had decided she didn't like Potter any more? What right did she have to move herself into his flat? What if she hurt Severus again? What if this was one of Dumbledore's schemes? He was almost ashamed to acknowledge the thought: What if he is in love with her? No, he loves me, he only loved her as a friend...
I'm of age, he told himself. And if they didn't expel Sirius for his trick, they won't expel me for skivving off. He decided to return home, at least for a little while, to see what was going on with his own eyes.
He made a point of not knocking on the door to his flat. He walked in on Severus, hard at work on some potion, concentrating so heavily he didn't even notice Regulus walk in. Dark grey vapours emitted from the platinum cauldron Regulus had bought him over a year ago. Regulus watched, silently. He had missed Severus so much, and he had so few opportunities to watch him work, and he always loved it. Whenever Severus was working hard on something, he would poke his cheek with his tongue or glue it to the roof of his mouth, or hum a little - it was so different from how guarded Severus normally was in his expressions and movements. Then, he looked at his watch, put on gloves, and carefully removed three stone-like things from a bag. He dipped them into something that smelled like very strong acid, looked at his watch again, and only then allowed himself a moment's rest. When he looked up, he saw Regulus smiling.
"Reg! What are you doing here?"
"I was worried. Where's the m- where's Evans? What is that?"
"She's not here, and that's the reason she's not here. I can't tell her about this. It's for the Dark Lord."
Regulus was glad Severus had not lost every ounce of sense just yet. "I'm not happy about this -" he started, but Severus signalled him to wait and be quiet. He looked at his watch again and muttered something, then poured whatever he'd dissolved into the cauldron. Dark green vapours rose from it. Severus inhaled the vapours and suddenly looked as though he was on the verge of tears. He took a sip from yet a third cup whose content Regulus recognized - a creamy-looking lilac-coloured potion - Euphoria Elixir - and if Severus did not look euphoric, exactly, he no longer looked anguished.
"It's the Dementor teeth," Severus explained. "Secret ingredient - so the fumes alone are toxic. I'm only telling you this so that you stay away, I don't think the Dark Lord would want you knowing about this."
Don't let him know you're unfaithful, he does not need this in his mind, it's better that he thinks you will choose the Dark Lord over him, Severus told himself. The only thing he was sure of was that he had to brew this potion to perfection, and he finally had. He pointed his wand at the cauldron and muttered a few select spells, and when each one had failed to do anything he only looked more satisfied. The Drink of Despair was ready. He poured it very carefully into a bottle and corked it, still wearing protective gloves.
"So, you were worried?"
"Yes, I was, Severus, I'm not happy with this. I told her you'll accept a letter from her, I didn't think she'd move in - don't you think this is strange?"
How am I supposed to explain that I would be going mad here, with or without her? Severus thought. At least, since Lily had been in the flat, Severus had not been feeling as paranoid. Case in point - he had not jumped when he'd seen Regulus. But it was undeniable that Regulus had a point.
"Well, of course you're right, but she's left Potter and there's nowhere to go, really, and -" don't tell him she knows you are Death Eaters and that you hate it - "I've just been lonely."
"So you invited a member of the Order to live here?"
"Stop it, she's not living here, it's just until something happens. And I'm still alive, aren't I? She came here to apologize. I'm the one who invited her to stay."
"This doesn't make me feel better at all," Regulus sighed. Is this supposed to be encouraging, that this senselessness is coming from him and not from her? "Why can't she stay at her own house? Does this make any sense to you?"
He does not understand, Severus realized. I need her here, for myself.
"You have to trust me, it does, Reg."
"Why?"
"It just does." Don't tell him. Don't tell him. You've seen what happened to Rodolphus. The image of Rodolphus writhing in agony from his own wife's curses had burned itself into Severus's retina.
"There's another thing I wanted to speak with you about," Regulus continued. He did not know how to approach this - he could barely believe that this question was on his mind at all.
Severus tensed up. Does he know? He can he know?
"What is it?" He asked, and he knew he must sound incredibly guilty.
"Evans showed me your hospital file. It says - it says you tried to hang yourself."
"Oh, that's it?" Severus was relieved.
Regulus furrowed his brow. 'That's it?' That's it, he's asking me? It's the worst thing that could have happened!
"Yes," he said sarcastically, "that's it . I don't know what you're so happy about. Why did you do it?"
"It was ages ago - does it matter now?"
"It matters to me! What do you mean, does it matter? Why did you do it? Why didn't you tell me?"
Severus sighed. He remembered it - of course he remembered it. He remembered Regulus's shock and horror at the sight of his bare chest and back, the ultimate confirmation, he had thought, that the Muggle had ruined him, that love would elude him forever, that shock and horror were the only thing he had to give to anyone, of how beautiful and whole everybody else was, and broken and ugly he was.
"I felt as though I'd lost you, and I couldn't stand it. It's my scars, Reg, you remember what it was like."
Regulus did not feel like this was an adequate explanation, at all. "You tried to kill yourself because I was shocked at your scars? I suppose you expect me to believe that? I'm not that stupid."
"Yes, I do. That's what happened. Look, I thought it was because you were repulsed, right? But I was wrong. So that's it."
Regulus could not remember when he'd ever been this angry with Severus.
"You hanged yourself - because you thought I thought you were ugly? What in Morgan's name is that?!"
He couldn't look at Severus. He buried his head in his hands. "So I should not have been horrified, I take it? I should have figured it was normal, what the Muggle had done to you?"
How was Regulus, who had barely been slapped once, supposed to understand what had gone through Severus's head, all this time ago? And even that slap, Severus told himself, was because of you.
"Look, there was nothing you could have done, alright? You didn't give me my scars. It's just been a hard time. I'm glad I failed, you know." Regulus looked up. "You saved my life that night in the hospital. I never tried again - I never wanted to."
"And you won't ever, ever, do it again? Because I swear, Severus, if you -"
"I won't. I promise. I would have made an unbreakable vow, but -" Regulus's face was twisted - "what? It's a joke, Reg. I won't."
Regulus was miserable. "How did you survive? Who took you to the hospital?"
Severus struggled to think, and then he remembered opening his eyes and seeing Dumbledore's face. "Dumbledore said it was some elf who had found me."
"Some elf, huh? And what's Dumbledore got to do with it?"
"He too wanted to know why - wanted to dissuade me from doing it again. Not nearly as helpful as you were, though."
Both of them remembered that first night in the hospital wing - it was a miracle, both of them knew it, but only now did Regulus understand how miraculous it truly was.
Regulus wanted to know: "Is Lily making it easier for you now?" As far as he was concerned, even if Evans was not necessarily guilty of anything, she was the reason so many bad things had happened, and Regulus simply could not fathom the risk Severus was taking.
"Yes."
"What if she hurts you again?"
Before Severus could answer, there was a knock on the door.
"Who's there?" Regulus asked. It was Lily. He opened the door and begrudgingly let her in.
"Aren't you supposed to be at school?" She asked him.
Slughorn might have called it cheek - Regulus called it audacity. "You're not Head Girl any more, Evans. Aren't you supposed to be at Potter's bedside, and not at my house?"
"Please, Reg," Severus tried to intervene.
Lily narrowed her eyes at Regulus but thought better of it before she spoke. It had been Regulus, after all, and not her, who was there for Sev these past two years, who had not been played for a fool like she was. She had about ten insults at the ready for Regulus, all courtesy of his brother, but she no longer wanted to have anything to do with his brother.
"I don't know what I'll do about James, if you must know," she informed him flatly. "I can't look at him right now. He's supposed to be discharged today, anyway. I can't face him yet. Please, Regulus, let me stay here, I'm not here for the Order, and I won't hurt Sev."
She can call him Sev. Was she lying? Regulus tried, briefly, to read her, but it was his second attempt so he knew absolutely nothing would come of it, anyway. When he looked into her eyes all he saw was the mudblood who had hurt Severus. Severus, however, seemed to know exactly what Regulus was thinking.
"For what it's worth, I suppose you can call me that too, if you want," he said, as placatingly as was possible for him. He still sounded like he was making light of the whole thing, and Regulus could not understand this. Wasn't it he who cried about her, who missed her for two years?
Their discussion was interrupted by violent and angry pounding on the door. "Let me in, Lily, you have to talk to me!"
The three of them looked at each other. Potter had indeed been discharged, and he wasted no time. Severus took his wand out, as did Regulus.
"What the hell are you doing here, James?" Lily shouted through the door. "I don't want to talk to you."
"You have to talk to me, I'm your husband," he shouted back, "and I'm not leaving until you do."
She looked at the two people who actually lived there, embarrassed to the core. "I'm so sorry," she mouthed.
"Open up - or I'm vanishing the door!"
Severus wordlessly cast shield charms on the door and on every window.
"How about you get the hell away from me and we'll talk when you stop being a liar?" Lily yelled.
"I won't lie to you," James said meekly. "Just open the door. Please, Lily."
"Just do it," Regulus hissed. Better that this happens now that I'm here, and can defend Severus if I have to. I also need to know how, exactly, did a member of the Order find out where I live.
Lily opened the door and there was Potter, still injured, but well enough to be furious, and he looked at Severus with disgust.
"So, one fight and you run back to him ?" He snarled.
"Oh, sod off, James, I didn't run to anyone, I came here to apologize for what a lying bully you have been."
"Great, now that you've apologized to the man who called you a mudblood, will you come home? And have a proper conversation with me? Alone?"
"He apologized for that on the day it happened. I'm still waiting for an apology from you."
"Lily, is this a joke? Fine, I'm sorry I lied about some stupid trick Sirius played on this idiot three years ago. Need I remind you that I'm also the one who saved him?"
Severus looked as though he was about to be sick.
"Saved him - saved him so that you wouldn't lose your toy! Saved him so that Sirius would not be kicked out of Hogwarts and into Azkaban! Saved him, when you could have transformed already and you didn't risk anything except being found out! Saved him and then instead of seeing what you've become, bragged to the whole school? Fine. Thank you for saving him. Thank you for not letting an innocent person die. I didn't know you could go about saving a life in such a deplorable way."
Despite himself, Regulus was impressed.
Lily continued - it seemed that she was truly in her element, giving James a lecture. "You could have been honest with me, at any point, and I would have forgiven you. We've been together for a year - you've had a whole year - and I would never have come here if you had. I don't know who you are, James, how do you expect me to return?"
Severus never thought he'd see the day - James Potter looked humbled.
"What do I have to do so that you'll consider it?"
Lily thought about it. He was her husband, he deserved a second chance. Maybe Sirius was the bad influence, maybe without him, he would truly be who she believed he was. Sirius had to be out of their lives.
"It's either me or Sirius, James."
The color drained from James's face.
"No," he said. "Not that. Not that, Lily, you don't understand. He's like a brother to me, you can't make me -"
Regulus found himself suddenly invested in the argument: "I'm very sympathetic to your plight, Potter, believe me."
Everyone looked at him, puzzled.
"He's like a brother to me too, if you will, but our brothers don't always make us proud, do they?"
"Only because he isn't a pureblood maniac like the lot of you -"
Regulus looked around him, at Severus, Lily, and James, and started laughing. "You think that's why?! Sirius and my mum could fight about whether the sky is blue. He doesn't believe in anything except making her as miserable as possible."
"James," Lily addressed him quietly - "I have a sister too, a Muggle at that, and you haven't made much of an effort there, and I forgave you, and Tuney wasn't even at the wedding. You asked me what you need to do. This is what you need to do."
Severus would have rubbed his eyes, if he had felt safe enough to do so in front of Potter: Potter looked defeated. He asked for some time to think, and Lily, scornful, said he could have as much time as he needed.
"Before I kick you out of here - how did you know where I live?" Regulus asked.
"Your dear mother took the time to inform Sirius that you had gotten yourself a nicer flat than he has," James replied. Regulus told himself he would have to fortify the protections on his flat.
"For all I care, tell him it's a slum. Get out." Potter looked at him with hate and shut the door behind him.
Regulus realized that at some point during this exchange, he had moved closer to Lily.
"You two have more in common than you think, I suppose," Severus noted, drily. He'd forgotten about Petunia. "You both have siblings who hate me."
Both Regulus and Lily rolled their eyes.
"I hope this explains why I can't stay anywhere else," Lily said, traces of anger in her voice.
"Yep," Regulus answered, and stormed off to the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. He had a lot of thinking to do.
Severus shrugged and went to make them all some tea. As he boiled the water to the perfect 95 degrees with his wand, it occurred to him that he had somehow managed to conceal his attempt to end his life from both Regulus and the Dark Lord - and he realized what this meant. You have somehow stumbled on a way to lie to him.
Author's Notes: thanks for reading and leaving reviews, I love you. The fic is written up to chapter 25 - but due to an unpredictable development, I'm not sure when I'll be able to continue writing, so I'll publish the rest of what I have soon in the hope that I can return to you before long.
Thank you for staying with Severus and Regulus and supporting them.
