I'm glad you all liked Chapter 23. See, I promised Ana would find her way back eventually. We still have 3-4 more chapters till they're back together. A lot will happen in these chapters but I promise there will be really sweet moments between them. Tis a slow burn y'all. This chapter is gonna be a long one too. In fact the next few chapter will be long. so buckle kids.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed and shared their locations. I wish you all safety and health. Crazy times we're in.

Here's a bonus chapter for the weekend. It's long and I hope you like it. Have a safe, sane and healthy weekend fanfic familia.

P.S. Shout out to Shan36 for being my 500th review. oh em gee.


Chapter 24 – Hanging by a moment with you.

Friday, January 24th, 2020.

EG: Bro, you coming to the dinner Mia and I are cooking tonight, right?

CG: If Ana is going to be there then I don't think it's a good idea.

EG: I asked her and she said was fine with it. Plus Kiran and Scooter are flying in for the weekend so your balls will be safe from harm, Dorothy.

CG: Fuck off Lelliot.

EG: See you at 6:30pm. Bring over some good booze and try not to murder us if she goes in for hugs.

CG: Asshole.

Since our exchange on Monday, I have barely seen Ana. She has been eating lunch at her desk and security alerted me that she's been working late till about 9pm every night. I suppose it's to avoid running into me on the elevators and it bothers me because I want her to eat well and rest. She went to Kavanagh Media the other day and spent way too much time there. Fuck, I hope she's not leaving GEH. I feel like an ass, so much for being a Dominant who is always in control. I've lost all control. Taylor told me about their conversation last week and I've been really trying to stay away now after my conversation with Flynn but the CPO remains in place. I don't give a fuck what she says about that.

...

I rarely ever go to Elliot's apartment, everyone just shows up at Mom's or in the rare event, to mine because there's always cooked food in the fridge and the liquor cabinet is always stocked. I get there and see Elliot and Mia cooking up a storm, I was always hopeless on the domestic front and having them both around meant I never went hungry when I still lived at Mom and Dad's. Kate and Ethan, stand around in the kitchen drinking wine. After hugs with my own siblings, the Kavanagh's give me slight nods but don't really try to make conversation with me. I deserve that. I don't know how serious this thing with Ethan and Mia will get but even if he's not into Ana, I still will have another reason to knock him out if he breaks Mia's heart.

Fuck, I really need to get laid and calm the fuck down.

"When is banana getting here?" Mia asks Kate.

"She'll be here soon, she had to go home to pick up some stuff and change." Kate says.

Elliot's phone rings and he answers. "Scooter, bro... what's your ETA?... yeah... uh huh.. okay... I see... yeah sure. We have room. I mean... we'll make it work." Elliot looks at me and I can tell it's not good. He hangs up and looks to Kate.

"What?" Kate asks and I can see she's confused.

"Don't freak out but Vishaal came in last minute and will be joining us."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Kate yells. "That motherfucker. I am going to murder him. No. He cannot come here."

"They aren't getting here till 8pm, so we have time to tell Ana and she can leave if she wants to. I couldn't exactly say... don't bring that fucker here." Elliot says. I am seething and ready to break the beer bottle in my hand. Elliot looks at me "Bro, don't do or say anything yet."

"I'm going to beat the shit out of him and then throw him in the sound Elliot." I am on the edge and losing control.

"CHRISTIAN!" Mia exclaims. "You already fucked up last week. Just stop digging a deeper grave for yourself. We need to wait for Ana."

We mull around quietly as Mia and Ethan set the table when we hear a knock on the door. Kate goes and opens it and it's Ana. I do my best to stand the farthest from her to make her comfortable.

"Hi guys!" she walks in holding a glass dish. "HEY BIRTHDAY BOY!" she says brightly and goes in to give Elliot a hug. She's like a ball of welcome energy.

"Thanks Steele! So, what did you get me?" he asks laughing.

"Well, you have my best friend, that's your present forever. I don't need to get you anything from here on out." She winks. "Oh and I made this cheesecake pudding for dessert. Didn't know what the vibe was for today."

"God bless you. I've been craving that for forever. You guys are all gonna die and go to heaven that shit is so good. Better than sex" Kate hugs her from behind and we all laugh. "Kate... that means so much coming from sex maniac like you." Ana giggles and I can't help but smile as everyone laughs.

Ana looks to me and says a solemn 'hey' and I nod back. She walks over to hug Mia. Ethan just holds out his hand and they both laugh and give a half hug to each other. Great; another joke at my expense.

She looks like she's lost weight and her face is tired but she's smiling. She's barely wearing any makeup as she stands around, wearing a cream white knit dress that reaches her calves and fuck... her hair reaches her lower back now. She's always so effortless. My mind and body immediately go haywire. Fuck me. Why did I have to fuck this up even further?

Elliot offers her sparking water and she walks around to see the place and slowly makes her way back.

"Elliot, I love your apartment and your library is a dream... so many architecture books. I might borrow some."

"Yeah sure go ahead. I didn't know you were into architecture."

"Oh very much so. In Montesano one of our neighbors, his wife was an architect and she passed away, she had so many architecture books and he knew I loved to read so I sort of took them all and I loved it. There was this one book that really inspired me, "The Architecture of Happiness". At one point I thought I was going to major in architecture but things changed. I still love it though."

"Whaaatttt? That's so cool. We need to talk about this more!" Elliot beams and I'm floored by this new revelation.

Ana's standing with us in the kitchen when Kate looks to me and starts to address the elephant in the room.

She clears her throat. "Steele, there's something we need to tell you." I see Ana's expression change and her eyes grow wide in concern.

"What happened?" she asks in panic.

"Daniel called Elliot and told him that Vishaal just flew in to Seattle this evening and he will be joining us."

Ana is stunned, she looks to me and then Elliot and then to Kate. "When did you find this out?"

"A few minutes before you walked in." Kate says carefully.

Ana looks down at the counter for what seems like forever, she takes deep breaths and I see slight shiver. She closes her eyes and then walks to get her phone from her coat to make a call.

She speaks in hindi and sounds pissed off and then switches to English.

"You told me he was going to be in Sedona, then how the fuck is he in Seattle now?... Kiran doesn't need any fucking help closing any deals, he's doing this on purpose... yeah.. .well no.. it's going to be awkward as fuck... okay I'll let you know. Bye." She's takes a deep breath and turns to us rubs her forehead.

"We're just going to act normal. Even though I want to smash his smug face in, we are going to act normal. He won't do any shit in front of you guys, he'll just say some random shit to me in hindi here and there to get a rise out of me but that's pretty much it. So please everyone just promise me, be normal."

"Steele, if you want to leave, it's okay. I don't want you to be uncomfortable." Elliots walks over and gives her a hug. I wish I could be the one to comfort her.

"Thanks Elliot, but it's fine. It is what it is. I really want to see Kiran, besides it will look really bad that she's in Seattle and I ditched her like this. I can handle it. I just need to figure out how to get out of hanging with them for the entire weekend right now." Ana says in a low voice. "Christian, can I speak with you for a moment in private?" She looks to me.

I follow her into game room where the pool table is or the 'balls room' as Elliot loves to call it.

"Christian, I need you to not make a scene tonight." She looks me dead in the eye. "... because I swear to God it will not be pretty for you."

"I just want to be here for you Ana. Whatever you need. I'm sorry about Tuesday, I overreacted."

"You embarrassed us both by doing that. You really need to grow up. Kiran doesn't know what's happening between us, not that I would ever tell her, so I will try and act as normal as I can for the sake of throwing off Vishaal and keeping up appearances but that only means I'll be in closer proximity to you. There won't be any need to be overtly affectionate."

"I understand. Anything you need." Shit, this is such a fucking shitshow.

She walks past me and I follow her back into the kitchen where everyone eyes us like a bomb is about to go off.

"So, did you guys kiss and make up." Elliot raises his eyebrows teasingly trying to lighten the mood and everyone smiles including myself. I wish we had. I'd makeup to her all night and all weekend.

"No we did not." Ana deadpans.

"Have you ever tried telling anyone in the family banana?" Mia asks cautiously

"I can't Mia. How do I tell the family that paid all my medical bills in full and let me recuperate in their home that their son..." she takes a deep breath and shakes her head trying to control her emotions"...especially when I have no proof. I can't blow up the family like that. I'd lose Nita and Nani then and I..." tears start to fall from her eyes "I don't have anyone after them, I'll be all alone." she shrugs and Kate goes into hug her and it breaks my heart. Mia joins and so does Elliot as he yells "BANANA PIE TIME" they stand for a few seconds in a big group hug.

I hear Ana giggle. Ethan smiles at them while I stand around awkwardly and I feel incredibly left out. She should be in my arms. I should be comforting her. I should be protecting her.

Everyone resumes talking but Ana remains mostly quiet. She walks back to the TV room and looks around. She looks so tiny from a distance as she studies the books and artwork Elliot has around the apartment.

"You listen to Lifehouse, you're such a sap, Elliot!" Ana laughs from across the room commenting on the music playing through the speakers.

"You know them? Aren't they like from before your time?" he smirks.

"Yeah they are you old man but growing up I listened to whatever Kiran was listening to and then when I got my own computer in my early teens then I found music on my own."

"What were you into?"

"Well growing up with Kiran's influence it was a lot of Brit Pop and European stuff, like Kylie Minogue, All Saints, westlife, Spice girls, Craig david... but then on my own I really fell in love with indie artists and then I just grew into other genres, now I listen to everything except for death metal" she giggles.

"Let me guess, you loved John Mayer."

"Don't talk smack about John Mayer, Grey. He's amazing."

Elliot snorts. "Any man who writes shit like 'your body is a wonderland' is lame as fuck."

Ana cocks her head to one side, challenging him "That's big talk coming from someone who danced to Britney Spears 'overprotected' and sang along To. Every. Word." Ana raises an eyebrow and we all laugh. That smart mouth, god I miss it.

"Fuck you, Steele. I was drunk. Besides what happens in Cabo..." Elliot tries to stifle a grin.

"Doesn't stay in Cabo... told you I was lethal. Why else do you think I always stay sober?" Ana laughs out loud.

Ana tries to help out in the kitchen but Mia and Elliot forbid her to touch anything. So she stands around awkwardly but then talks to Ethan a bit. They laugh here and there and the pang of jealousy rears its ugly head. I'll be close to her soon enough. It fills me with dread that it's at the expense of her mental well- being.

There's a knock on the door and I see Ana's face change and her body stiffens. She looks at me and walks over to stand close to me, we're still a few inches apart so I hold her hand and look down at her and give it a squeeze. She gives me a slight nod and once Kiran and Daniel hug Elliot and Kate and everyone else, they both walk towards us and Kiran almost attacks Ana with a big hug while I shake Daniel's hand and give him a half hug. Kiran gives me a kiss on the cheek and gushes over us. Ana gives a small smile and tells her to relax and stop embarrassing us.

No one hugs Vishaal, it's all handshakes and he looks straight at Ana who has never squeezed my hand this hard and it's a small glimpse into the level fear and discomfort she's actually feeling. Kiran and Daniel are lost in conversation with everyone else but I see Kate watching us as Vishaal heads over in our direction.

He walks over, with the bravado of a predator towards us. "Aana, long time no see." He says with a smirk and it takes every fiber in my being to not knock this motherfucker on his ass.

Ana straightens herself and speaks with a low but authoritative voice. "Vishaal, this is Christian, he's..."

"Ah, yes, your boyfriend? I had heard about that. I thought you said he was just your boss? Grey." He nods to me but there's a glint in his eye and I know what he's trying to tell me.

"Kapadia." I respond curtly. The tension in the air is palpable and thankfully it's cut short when I see Kate walk towards us to break it.

"He was and still is but now he's more. What are you doing here?" Ana asks.

He snorts. "Helping Kiran."

"She doesn't need your help. She can close that hotel deal all by herself." She looks straight at him.

"Well, I wanted to reacquaint myself with Seattle, it's been a while." He says with a smile and I feel Ana's body tremble. "I'm going to get a drink." He immediately turns and walks away as Kate comes to stand next to us.

THE NERVE OF THIS MOTHERFUCKER, I pull Ana and we walk to one of the guest rooms and I close the door.

"Ana, this is unacceptable. You have to let me do something."

"You cannot do anything. I forbid you to do anything. This is my family Christian, not some person from my past where who I have no longer have a connection to and you can annihilate with your money and influence. You do anything to jeopardize my relationship with Nita and Nani and I will never ever forgive you." She looks me dead in the eye and I know how serious she is.

"Ana, I will keep you safe and I will give you whatever you need. You have a family with us."

"Christian, you couldn't even give me space when I asked you and I have lived a life with these people. Why can't you understand that I cannot let go, I'm not going to let one person ruin all the good I have with that family. If you cannot understand then you are free to leave. I can handle myself, I have Kate and Elliot."

"I am not leaving you like this. I don't like it one bit but I will not leave you." I lean and rest my forehead against hers and kiss it, trying to inhale her scent and hug her. She lets me and holds on to me, taking a deep breath. It's like home now. She pulls away "We should go back in there." she whispers. Fuck. This is such a shitty place to be in. I cannot comfort her in any way. More like you can't comfort yourself Grey.

We all try to be as normal as we can be during dinner. Ana doesn't say much; Kiran is energetic and very soon a little too tipsy for Ana's liking.

"Christian, you and I should get dinner sometime and I'll tell you alllll about our baby Aana." Kiran laughs.

"Okay that's enough wine for you Kiran." Ana chides playfully. "What? This is my job, to tell him all the embarrassing and adorable stories." Kiran giggles. "And there are so many stories, right Aana?" Vishaal chimes. Suddenly Ana does the unexpected and speaks cheerfully.

"Of course there are Vishaal Bhai." She enunciates the word Bhai and I see Vishaal's face drop a little. "So I don't know if you guys know, but I was 10 years old when I first met K-apa and Vishaal Bhai and we had so much fun during our first meeting. Ray and Nita were soon going to be married and these two made a promise to me that they'd be my siblings forever. My very own big brother and sister and we were thick as thieves. Right Vishaal Bhai?" She stares at him smiling. Suddenly Kate's words come back to me;

Ana puts up a really good and convincing front for them. She will smile and laugh through the pain and fear in front of them. She's even fooled me on occasion. I have seen her act so normal with Vishaal in front of the family that you would never guess there was something amiss.

"Aana, looked so cute when we first met her, she was like the pillsbury dough boy... but a girl." Kiran giggles. "We all just loved her so much and we had so many adventures together and got into trouble... well Bhai and I got into trouble while Aana always got off scot free. I blame those blue eyes." Everyone laughs including Ana and Vishaal barely smiles and reaches for his drink. Fucking piece of shit that he is.

"Pillsbury dough boy?" I ask. Ana looks to me and rolls her eyes and shows me a picture of the animated figure. I chuckle and lean into her ear. "I'm so proud of you and you're way cuter." She looks to me and smiles and I see her eyes start to water. I kiss her forehead and we resume engagement with the group.

Every now and then I catch Vishaal looking at Ana and the word menacing doesn't even begin to describe it. I put my open palm on her thigh, signaling her to hold my hand and she complies and I squeeze it. She looks at me and gives me a small smile as I raise her hand and kiss it, she slowly nods and goes back to eating.

We finish with dinner and have some of the dessert Ana made, it's a hit and it's all gone in an instant. Kiran tells me Ana hasn't it made it for her in years so it was a real treat. My girl is amazing at everything she does.

We all retire into our small groups. The girls sit around and talk animatedly on side of the room while the guys break off into groups. I talk to Ethan a bit, I refuse to apologize to him but a few minutes into our conversation I realize he's not all that bad. He's back from the east coast and looking to start up his practice after some experience with the department of education. I tell him I'd be happy to help in anyway I can should the need arise. That should suffice as an apology right?

I see Ana get and head to the bathroom. In the mean time I take a seat next to Elliot and listen in on his conversation with Scooter and Vishaal.

"GUYS!" Kiran calls out from the couches "Has Aana ever told you the vampire joke." Ana walks back from the bathroom and glares at Kiran. "Oh come on, Aana... you haven't told them yet?"

"I want to know!" Mia pipes up. "Is this a dirty joke? PLEASE say it is." Elliot laughs like the frat boy he is.

Ana rolls her eyes. "Kiran, you're drunk. Go home."

"Now you have to tell us." Mia whines. Ana gives Kiran another lingering look and then snorts.

She stands in front of us all and rubs her forehead. I can tell she's a little nervous and her face is flushed. She runs her hands through her hair and starts to address the room. It's reminiscent of her little speech at the intro lunch at Kiran's wedding. It feels like a treat to be able to see that girl again.

"OKAY FINE! But let me preface this with two disclaimers; one, this joke can really divide a room. One half will be like 'ewww you're a perv', which I totally I am and the other half will be like, you're a perv but you're charming and we still like you so whatever. To the former, I say fuck you! Learn to live a little.

Second, this joke won't be a 'haha' joke but it'll more for me because I want a particular gross image to live in your mind till the end of days. That will be the real 'haha' moment." I can't help but smile. My little pervert, let's see what you have in store for us. Elliot claps and rubs his palms "Hit us Steele, I love a good dirty joke." Ana giggles.

She begins to speak and walks from left to right across from us, engaging us all in the joke, stopping just short of Vishaal and refusing to look at him.

"OKAY, so! T'was the year 2019. The season was fall and the politically charged holiday was Thanksgiving. It was a crisp, cool Thursday night in Eerie, Indiana; population 150,000 and 3 very handsome vampires were out on the town to... get some."

"Wait, this wasn't part of the joke." Kiran says. Ana gives her the death glare. "Don't. Interrupt. Story. Time. Kiran." Ana punctuates each word and it's hilarious how serious she is.

"Sorry." Kiran nervously giggles and gestures Ana to continue on.

"Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was trying to provide some context...SO... as it happens on thanksgiving in the nicer part of town where fresh and warm blood is pure and of high quality, most people are in a food induced coma and therefore unable to answer the door... Now what happens when you don't answer the door for vampires?"

She looks at everyone and we all look at each other and Mia and Kate are the only ones to volunteer information that vampires cannot enter a house until they are invited in according the tenets of vampirism.

"Are you all for real? Like, get with the times bro... ANYWAY, so these three brothers, by the way, this shit I'm telling you has nothing to do with the actual joke, I lied about the context part, I'm just wasting your time and now I'm on a roll." She giggles and she's so fucking adorable and animated, her hands and eyes dancing as she speaks, that we all react to her in kind. It's a joy to see her this up close.

"So they end up at the local bar which doubles as a vampire hangout in the basement. They head on downstairs, by the way, these brothers are like hot! Super hot looking specimens. I thought I should throw that in there. The waitress immediately gets them a table and gets ready to take their order. The oldest brother goes 'I'll have a glass of your finest AB+, preferably no older than a day and under the age of 25.' The brooding second brother goes straight for the good stuff; 'a glass of B-, much like his life motto, on the rocks." She gives Elliot and look and he bursts out laughing and nudges me on the shoulder and it takes me a second to get that she's making a dig at me. I chuckle. Okay Miss Steele, go ahead and make fun of me, I'll take you anyway I can get you.

"Now the third brother, being the trendsetter he is, humbly asks for a cup of boiling hot water and a glass of ice with a little umbrella." All of us are now smiling and thoroughly engrossed.

"The waitress returns a few minutes later and place the order on the table and patiently waits because she too is invested in this situation." She kneels and sits in front of the coffee table and looks at me. "Are you done with your drink? I need the glass for this last part." I take one last gulp of the scotch and give her the glass, our fingers touch and I feel that spark. She puts in front of her and continues. "Now, for the remainder of this joke, imagine this is a margarita glass or something. Anyway, so the two older brothers then look at the youngest brother and are like, okay bro, what the fuck... show us. The youngest brother then proceeds to reach into his jacket pocket and takes out a used tampon and says 'haven't you guys every heard of tea bags?' and mixes it in the hot water and then quickly transfers it in the glass of glass of ice and TADA 'Virgin Iced Tea – it's gonna be allll the rage in 2020, bitches." She says as she holds the empty glass in the palm of her hand like a presenter on a game show and winks at me.

The whole room gags and I can't help but chuckle shaking my head and rolling my eyes. Mia is coughing and laughing. Elliot loses his shit "STEELE THAT WAS FUCKING GROSS" but he can't stop howling. Ethan rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. Kate is gone, almost falling on the floor. Kiran is dying on the couch and Ana points to Elliot, Mia and Kate, "SEE! THOSE REACTIONS... are what I live for. Told you, this joke was more for me." Daniel gets up, laughing and goes to get another drink to get rid of the image, I see Vishaal smirk and his eyes are fixed on Ana but I try my best to not let that affect me. I focus back on my girl. My Girl. She laughs and hides her face in her arms resting on the coffee table losing it over Elliot, Mia and Kate. When she raises her face, she's completely red and can't breathe, tears falling from her face. God, I want to kiss the fuck out of her right now.

Once the laughter subsides, everyone falls into the regular rhythm of conversation. Ana gets up and walks to the library and returns after a few minutes with a stack of books.

"Elliot, I'm taking you up on the offer to borrow books. I'll have Kate return these to you by Monday or I'll bring them back myself."

"You read that fast? You've got like what... 8 books there."

She shrugs "I'm a fast reader, besides some of these just have pictures."

"Which ones are you taking?"

She walks over and sets the stack of books down on the coffee table and kneels opposite us to go through them. There's a book on Mies Van Der Rohe, Water and architecture, Richard Meier, a book on Italian architecture etc.

"Who's your favorite architect?" Elliot asks.

"I don't have an absolute favorite but I like some Richard Meier's work, the Jubilee Church? Fucking beautiful. SHOP architects in New York are doing some pretty great stuff and I like Corb's theory on urban planning from the sky and his master plan sketch for Algeria. I don't really like American architecture, Europeans and South American's do it way better."

"Damn Steele, those are some strong opinions. We're gonna have to get together and talk this out. You really should've done architecture, I think you would've been amazing at it."

"Aana was going to attend UC Berkeley for their architecture program. Remember our trip to check out the campus?" Vishaal chimes in and I glare at him but his eyes are fixed on Ana.

She looks at him deadpan "No I wasn't. I was just considering the possibility." She looks back at Elliot "When I met with their architecture department I asked some of the students what it all entailed. I had only taken those drafting classes in school before the accident so when they told me how stressful and physically taxing it was, I spoke with my doctors and they advised against it. At that point, while I could walk a little, I couldn't really stand for more than 10 minutes and so still needed a wheelchair." The image of her in a wheelchair and injured makes me wince. As much as I wish I knew her back then, I don't know if I would have been able to handle seeing her like that. ...and we didn't know how my recovery was going to look like a year from then so I made the decision to go for English lit at WSU. Besides, I've noticed that there is a huge emphasis on exhibitionism in American architecture, it's either dull as fuck or it's screaming for you to look at it. There's no poetry. I'm happier just reading about it and experiencing the buildings in person, honestly."

She's such a wonder. She never ceases to amaze me with all this knowledge she has. I learn something new about her every single time.

"You can still do a Masters in the history of architecture, you know, you'd be awesome at it. You have a strong background already." Elliot offers.

She beams "I was thinking about that actually, University of Washington has a graduate program but I have some stuff to sort out. I have loans right now, when I'm done paying them off, I'll see."

"We should get together for lunch at my office one day or we can all hang one weekend and I'll show you the new projects we're working on and you can give me your take on them." Elliot is truly excited now.

Ana laughs "I don't know about that, I can read plans but not that well. Besides, if there aren't any renderings I'm going to be seriously bored."

"Don't worry about that, I'll show you the entire presentation pitch, complete with a bass wood model." He winks.

"Count me in then!" she smiles back clapping.

We all talk some more and Vishaal tries to chime in here and there but Ana barely responds to him. We hear a phone ring from the kitchen and Ana jumps up and runs to it. She answers it and I see her body language change, she's speaking in hindi and she's worried.

"Kiran, Vishaal, pick up your fucking phones." She yells from across the room. Kiran gets up to go search for her phone in her purse and Vishaal stands up and pulls his phone from his pocket and realizes he never took it off of silent mode and I see his face drop.

"My phone is out of battery." Kiran says. Vishaal makes a call and runs his hands through his hair. Kiran looks at him with worry, begging him to tell her. He hangs up and walks to Kiran and holds her.

I see Ana standing all alone watching as Vishaal tells Kiran that their grandfather just passed away. Kate runs up and hugs Ana, so does Mia. Ana doesn't react. She keeps staring at Kiran who has completely broken down. Ana walks away from Kate and Mia, no tears in her eyes and goes in to hug Kiran. She holds her tight and I see a few tears fall from her eyes but she doesn't breakdown.

They get their things and start to head out. We all are stunned with no idea of what is really going on. What unfolds in front us only last 5-10 minutes but feels like hours.

"Aana you have to come with us. Please" Kiran pleads, crying.

"Kiran, I can't, I don't have a visa. I can't go with you guys right now."

"Whatever, just come with us we have the jet ready to go, when we get to the airport we'll have someone figure it out. Even Daniel doesn't have a visa and he's coming. Plus Dad knows people and you can get the visa on arrival. Nani is going to need you, so is Nita. Please Aana. Please." Kiran is almost hysterical at this point.

"Kiran, listen to me, you guys go first and I will follow. I have to give notice at work and I'll get a visa. Just go. Take care of Nita and Nani for me till I get there, okay?" She says maintaining her composure.

Kiran and Daniel turn and walk towards the door to get their coats. Vishaal hangs back and takes two steps towards Ana but she backs away. I try to get up but Elliot stops me in time. Vishaal says something to Ana in hindi and she responds back with a grimace.

Once they're out the door, Ana runs back to her phone and makes another call all while speaking in hindi. She listens for a beat and then hangs up. We all watch her as if she were wounded animal. She takes a few deep breaths and turns to us and walks back to the coffee table to kneel where she was sitting before by the books. It's all of us on one side of the table and her alone on the other side. Kate gets up and goes to join her on the floor.

"My Nana, Nita's father, passed away in India about an hour ago." She says in a low voice.

"Steele, tell us what you need. We're here for you. I know you were close with him." Elliot says.

Ana keeps looking down. "I'm okay I think, I wasn't really close to him. He always kept me at a distance. It's always been complicated with him and I. My sadness is more for the fact that Nita has lost her father... Nani has lost her husband and that Kiran has lost the grandfather she adored. She was his favorite."

"But at the wedding he was affectionate towards you when you arrived." I say.

"That's just how you act when you greet an elder. I bow my head a little and they pat your head. He never really let me get close. I mean, when I was little he'd talk to me a lot but then as I got older, he distanced himself and I never understood why. I'm not part of the bloodline or legacy so I guess he always saw me as an outsider but Nani made up for that and more. If Kiran was his favorite, then I was hers."

"Did it ever bother you?" Ethan asks.

"At first it didn't, I just thought he was a grump or that he'd been there since Kiran was born so that's why but after the accident it made sense. I heard him talking about the importance of bloodlines and family and legacy and..." she shrugs "I put two and two together. In spite of all that, I still learned a lot of valuable lessons from him. Any time he gave Kiran and Vishaal or anyone advice, I listened."

"I'm sorry you had to experience that." Mia says with tears in her eyes.

She shrugs "it doesn't really bother me anymore, I mean it did for a while when I was vulnerable during recovery but I got over it. I had to, you know. I had to move forward and getting away from SF and being in Portland with Kate helped a shit ton." She looks at Kate lovingly and hugs her resting her head on her shoulder with her back to all of us. Kate rubs her back and whispers something in her ear and Ana nods. She gets up with her back still turned to all of us and wipes her face and walks to the bathroom.

"Babe, I'm going to take her home and I'll come back in a bit." Kate tells Elliot.

"I can give her a ride, Kate." I offer.

"I'm not sure if she'll go for that." I'd say she's pissed at me but she just looks disappointed and somehow that stings a bit more.

Ana walks back with her eyes and nose red from crying and face washed. She goes to pick up the books. "I'm going to head home and sleep. Sorry for being such a party pooper." she says with a heavy voice.

Elliot gets up and goes to hug her. "Don't you dare think like that Steele." He lets go of her. "Will you be going to India?" Mia asks as if she read my mind.

"As much as I want to, I won't. I can't go while Vishaal is there. It's not safe for me. I just said that to Kiran to get her out of here." She says. Thank fuck, I was worried there for a second.

"I'm going to drop you off." Kate says. "Uh, no you're not. I'll just take an uber. Relax, I'll text you as soon as I'm home." She scolds Kate and goes to get her coat. I get up and walk to her. Kate, thankfully, gives us some privacy.

"Ana, let me take you. I can drop you off or I can have Taylor drop you off first." I offer, more like beg since I'm dying to be close to her right now. She takes a deep breath and looks up. "Okay fine. Just drop me off at the front and I'll go up on my own." Thank fuck.

She hugs everyone, yes even Ethan much to my annoyance and says goodbye but not before threating Elliot to not break her dessert dish.

I pull up the privacy divider and Ana retreats more into her seat and looks at me wide-eyed. Fuck she's scared.

"Ana, I've been wanting to talk to you since you left mom and dad's and now with what happened this week. We need to have a conversation. There's so much I want to say."

She takes a breath and looks out the window and then looks back at me.

"Any conversation you want to have, will have to be in front of Dr. Flynn. After than grotesque display of toxic masculinity on last week, this is the only way we're going to have any conversation regarding us." She says completely detached. "Make an appointment and let me know... and we're going to need two hours because there is a shit ton that I have to say as well." I nod in agreement.

"I have an appointment for tomorrow at his house actually, I could pick you up and we can go together? The appointment is at 3pm"

"Do you always intrude on the poor man's family time?"

I chuckle. "No, not really. Things are different this time around. More is at stake and he's known me for years so he's invested in my well being,"

She looks down and nods while staring at her fingers. "That was quite a performance back there with the joke. You're such a wonder sometimes" She smiles, still looking out the window. "I haven't told that joke... in a really long time. Drunk Kiran can be really clingy and whiny and it's not a cute look so I gave in, otherwise I probably wouldn't have done it."

"I'm glad you did. Never knew you were such a pervert Miss Steele." I say. She snorts. "Well, when you have a cousin like Kiran and Rania and a best friend like Kate who are unapologetic over sharers you only have two options, either beat 'em or join 'em and I chose to join 'em and actually make fun of them for my own entertainment." She laughs. God, I want more of this back and forth but I have so many other questions about what happened.

"What did Vishaal say to you that made you take a few steps back?"

She takes a deep breath and looks out the window. "I just don't like it when he comes near me so it's a reflex plus he was just saying that because they have the jet and I could enter and leave the country undetected if I wanted to... so I told him to shove his jet up his ass." She giggles.

I want to smile but feel myself tense. She looks at me. "Don't overthink it Christian and thank you for be patient with everything that happened today. I know it was awkward and seeing my interactions with Vishaal aren't all that a pleasant experience."

I take a deep breath, so desperately wanting to be close to her and to hold her. "Ana, I swear to God you are the only thing that's keeping me from drowning his ass in Lake Washington. Otherwise I would've murdered him ages ago."

"He's not worth the headache, trust me." She says while looking out the window. We don't say much after that. I stare at her profile as she sits with her eyes closed as a lone tear falls down her cheek.


Saturday, January 25th, 2020

CPOV

Ana tells me she has brunch plans with some of her work friends in Capitol Hill and will be done by 1:30pm. I can't help but feel jealous. It's an emotion I've come to feel and know too well since this whole mess started. Fucking Elena Lincoln ruining my life at every turn. She had been sending emails and calling the office like a madwoman trying to get to talk to me since I blocked her number on my cell and email.

I don't want to be tied to her in anyway. Pun intended.


FLASHBACK

January 8th, 2020.

After leaving work, I told Taylor to drive me to Esclava. I knew it'd be closed but Elena always stayed behind for a few hours. She hadn't been expecting me at all but her barrage of texts and phone calls to both my office and cell phone had driven me up the wall. She welcomed me in and we walked into her office.

"Christian, darling, I've been desperately trying to reach you. You're making a mistake. You have to see it."

"Listen to me Elena, I need you to back the fuck off from Ana and my family. Don't you dare show up anywhere near us. It is OVER. Do you understand, it is over, it has been over and it will remain OVER... FOREVER."

"You're just lost."

"NO! Elena, I have finally found myself thanks to Ana."

"She's a weak girl, Christian. You need submission and she will NEVER submit to you."

"She's the strongest woman I know Elena. She has shown me how to live. You kept me caged all these years for your own benefit. This stops now. The control, the manipulation, it's all over."

"You're making a big mistake, Christian and you will suffer."

"Don't make empty threats Elena, I have all the money in the world to destroy you. You won't be able to show your face anywhere in the United States, I will make sure of it."

"I MADE YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT."

I can't help but laugh. "I MADE MYSELF. MY MIND, MY TALENT AND MY DEDICATION. YOU JUST TAUGHT ME HOW TO FUCK AND REMAIN ISOLATED FROM THE WORLD."

"Love is for fools and it will ruin you. Watch. Then you'll come crawling to me."

"I'd rather kill myself than entertain that thought."

"Pathetic. That's what you are Christian."

"I don't give a shit about what you think. Now, I've instructed my lawyers to gift you my share of the business. I don't want to be associated with you in anyway. If you know what's good for you, you'll take it and leave me and anyone I love the fuck alone or I swear to god... I will make it my life's mission to burn everything you hold dear to the ground. Have I made myself clear?"

I see a flash of pain in her face at the finality of what I'm saying.

"Fine. You're making a big mistake Christian but I will always be here for you. You will come back to me one day. You'll see. You can't just erase what we had."

"Desperation isn't a good look on you Elena. Goodbye."

END FLASHBACK


AS: Almost done, paying the bill. I can meet you across the street from where I am? There's a place called Vivace Espresso. I'll meet you there?

CG: I'll be there in another 10 minutes.

AS: Perfect.

I park and wait. I look across the street and see there's a line of people waiting to get in for brunch. A couple of minutes later I see Ana and some of her friends walk out. They're all laughing and stand to pose of a selfie. One of her friends has balloons, which means it was probably a birthday brunch. I see her hug everyone including two guys but I can't tell who they are. I count to 10 and then count backwards. I need to remain calm. I need to remember what Flynn told me; that I have to trust her judgment. I cannot make decisions for her. She waves everyone goodbye and crosses the street but looks to me and signals she needs two minutes and goes to the Bank ATM right next to the coffee shop.

She comes back out a few minutes later. She looks so young and carefree, like she had a good morning, something she needed after last night. She's always so put together even when wearing the most normal of clothes like a pair of jeans with a white t-shirt. I love that she barely wears makeup. God, I could kill to kiss those lips right now. It's been too fucking long.

She's a little out of breath but in a slightly happier mood. "Hi, thanks for waiting. It was a little chaotic in there." She giggles.

"It's okay, we still have a lot of time. Was it someone's birthday?" I begin to drive out.

"Yeah, my friend Val from Mergers and Acquisitions. We'd been all planning to meet up for brunch at this place for forever but I was always busy on the weekends so they all planned this date and threatened me show up." she smiles.

"Who were the two guys?" I ask in my best, unaffected voice. She looks at me and snorts. "Jose and his husband Phillip." I feel my body relax. Thank god.

"So tell me, were you really checking my ass last week when I walked out of the elevator because my little circle of gossiping queens won't let me live it down." She challenges me.

I try to not smile but I can't help myself. "Miss Steele, can't help it when you wear a skirt like that. It's almost like you begged me to stare at it."

"Mr. Grey, that's grounds for harassment. I was wearing perfectly acceptable attire for the work place. Perhaps you need to realign your brain and keep your eyes to yourself." She says with a hint of amusement and sarcasm trying not to laugh.

I have to chuckle. "How did these gossiping queens find out?"

"Well, after I left the elevator my friend Val saw you looking at my ass and she's been at GEH for 5 years and has never seen you react that way. So thanks for that."

"It was an ass worth gawking over. Couldn't help myself." I say dryly.

"Well next time, please don't. I don't need all of GEH catching wind of this, it's been absolute torture being teased for the past week."

"I'd say you should wear it as a badge of honor. Miss Anastasia "who gets her ass checked out by the billionaire CEO" Steele."

Ana laughs out loud and it's genuine. "Fine then, host a company awards dinner and order me a plaque and present it to me. I'll gladly accept the honor."

We drive in comfortable silence till her phone rings. She picks it up and it's a facetime call.

"Hey babygirl, sorry I missed your call. How are you? How you were holding up." She says with affection

"Raniapa..." She says as her voice breaks. She says something in hindi and it sounds so heartbreaking.

"Oh baby... I don't know. You know how he was... so hard to read. Only Nani knew how to read him. Maybe he was saying goodbye in his own way. I'm so sorry, Aana. You know he loved you. Always asked about you. He just... he had a hard time expressing himself."

Ana sobs. "Yeah, I guess... I don't know." They talk in hindi for a bit more and both cry.

"Listen do you want to go to India? Cause if you want to, Karan has the jet at MIA and you can fly there and go with him and I can call up our contact at the Consulate in DC to expedite your visa and I'll have my assistant book you a ticket from Seattle."

"No, it's okay Apa, I spoke with Nani early this morning, she told me to stay put. Are you coming to Seattle to finalize the hotel deal?"

"Yeah I have to now, since all the main people are in India. I get in first thing Monday morning and then hopefully we close this and sign the letter of intent. I plan to leave by 3pm."

"I was hoping we could get dinner after..."

"Babe, I have to come back to SF, I've already been working too much and Aria is starting to feel it so I want to be here to put her to bed. You want to come with me and spend a few days here? Just to get away for a bit?"

"No, it's okay. Work is a little crazy right now. I can't afford to take off." She says with sadness.

I hear the sound of a child start to whine and call Ana's name.

"By the way, your favorite gremlin is awake now, she wants to talk to you." Rania laughs.

"Is that my baby Aria? I miss you bubble, are you being a good girl for mama?" Ana asks animatedly in a child-like voice and it's adorable.

"Aana khala I eat all my bweakfast." the child says "I'm so proud of you my love. What did you eat." The child says something in hindi and Ana laughs. "You're so lucky, I haven't had that in forever... will you make me some when I come to see you gremlin?"

"Listen Aana, come to SF for a weekend, I'll make you all the desi food you like and bring Christian too, I never got to meet him. It's about time we start to brainwash him like Daniel. How is he by the way?"

Ana smiles "He's okay, just busy, you know how it is" I can tell she's trying to deflect. "Okay, well let me know whenever you want to visit, Raees was asking about you too and I need my Aria to spend time with you in person and not just video messages and facetime calls every week. It's been too long."

"Yes Apa, I'll send you some dates and we'll coordinate." She smiles back.

They talk some more about the business and I find it interesting, they switch from English to Hindi every now and then. I'm tempted to ask Welch to do a background check and a full profile on her grandfather's business but Flynn's advice starts to ring loud in my brain.

"This isn't a contractual relationship. You have to let Ana come forward with the information in her own time. You cannot invade her privacy like that because once she finds out you did, she will feel violated and for someone who values privacy himself; I hope you can understand that. After all, she hasn't posed a threat to you has she? You trust her? Then why not keep that initial assessment in mind and move forward with that."

She hangs up after a while and looks out the window but I can see her crying. She doesn't make a sound.

"Baby, what happened with Nana?"

She shakes her head. "He acted really weird the last time I was there. He actually talked to me. Like heart to heart. That hasn't happened... it only happened once before I left for college and it was brief. He wouldn't even interact me in recovery. But this time he told me he was proud of me and that dad would've been proud of the woman I've become, it was the first time he said that... He asked about you. He asked me to sing for him... for the first time in my life and it was the most gut wrenching song he could've asked me to sing. It was... a lot. He never called me, would never talked to me when I called from college. It was always just a brick wall from him and then he says all that shit to me and kisses my forehead and now he's gone." She takes a deep breath. "And now I'm crying over a man, who barely spoke to me but in the end showed me just an ounce of affection. I don't know. I'm sick of feeling this way."

I have no way to console her. I don't even know what to fucking say to her.

"What was the song about?"

"It was about when your beloved goes far away and you're pining for them. You sing out to your beloved that, the love I have for you, you'll never understand and maybe when I'm no longer in the world, you'll actually come back to find me."

"Do you believe that he loved you?"

She shrugs. "Does it matter what I believe? I don't have any memories of this love. I just have a whole lot of longing."

"Do you want to go to India?"

"I do but Nani wants me to stay put." She wipes her tears "I just feel so selfish. I should be there for them and I'm hiding out here because that Dementor has got that whole place wired. I've thought of every worst case scenario that can happen to me there and it's not pretty. They'll be back next month... is it bad that I feel a sense of relief that she said no?" her voice breaks.

"No it isn't but I'm also biased. I know you love Nita and Nani but you can't put yourself in harms way baby. If you really want to go then I can send Sawyer and another CPO with you, plus we have contacts in the state department who help with local security teams there. You'll be safe." I offer.

"No it's okay, also I just barely caught up with everything at work. I appreciate the thought but I'll be okay about all this after a goodnight's sleep."

She doesn't say anymore for the remainder of the ride and continues to look out her window.

...

We knock on John's front door and he greets us while holding his son Benjamin who looks much cleaner than the last time we saw him.

"Christian, Ana, come on in. Rhiann is just finishing up a quick call and our babysitter is due any minute so I hope you don't mind waiting a bit while I watch the kids?"

We follow him into the TV room where Chloe is playing with her dolls. She sees Ana runs towards us.

"AANA, you're back!" Ana crouches down and gives her a hug "Yes Elsa, I came back." I see Rhiann come out from one of the hallways and smile at us.

"Aana, you look sad. What happened?"

"I'm fine bubble, I promise. I'm just missing my dad a little." Ana strokes her cheek.

"Did he die like Elsa and Anna's mom and dad?" Rhiann gasps and chides Chloe but Ana signals her not to.

"No baby girl, he's just faraway right now but he'll be home soon." Ana says while trying to hold back her tears and I hear her voice waver and it's fucking heartbreaking.

"Don't be sad" She gives Ana a hug and a kiss "My daddy is a doctor and he helps when people are sad. He always gives me a hug when I'm sad and I feel better."

"I know bubble, that's why I'm here. Your dad is going to help me not be sad anymore and thank you for the hug, I feel so much better now." She smiles and kisses Chloe's cheek. I look at John and Rhiann and their adoration for the exchange. I feel a lump in my throat.

"Watch out Dr. Flynn, she's going to take all your patients and run your practice into the ground." Ana laughs and wipes her face.

"That's what I'm afraid of and Ana, please call me John. You're in my home now and my kids adore you... Chloe has asked about you a million since she met you last." John smiles genuinely at her.

What the fuck is happening. How can she just do shit like this so effortlessly? I'm losing my mind in awe.

We take our seat on the couch and Ana sits as far as she can from me. John sits across from us and we get right into it.

"Ana, I thought I was going to see you after the New Year but you never scheduled an appointment." John starts.

"I know and I'm sorry. I know this feels like I'm doing a disservice but it's just been chaotic with work. I've been staying late to catch up. It's not an excuse I know I have to do better. I'm trying to break these old self-analyzing habits where I just sit and think about stuff on my own for a while before talking about them."

"Why do you feel the need to do that?"

"Because the emotion I feel sometimes is just too much. I want my sessions here to be useful to me and not just me crying and being angry. I want to be able to verbalize what's going through my mind and that's really hard sometimes. Everything I'm experiencing right now is new and the only thing I know how to do to protect myself is to remove myself from the situation so I can find myself." She takes a deep breath as she finishes.

He asks Ana a recap of everything since the last session and she gives a blow by blow account from the New Year's Eve party till last night. Her attention to detail is incredible and she's so articulate.

"Would you like to talk about your grandfather's passing?" He asks.

"I'd rather talk about it during a solo session." She looks to him.

"Okay, then what bothered you most about Elena said?" John asks.

"The fact that she was right. I do come from nothing and that even if Christian doesn't see me as a charity case right now, everyone else will. If word of this ever got out, I know exactly how it's going to play out. I have seen it happen to my cousins and their significant others who didn't come from money. It's brutal how people dig into you and I feel like Elena is dedicated enough given her obsession with Christian."

John looks to me and asks me to counter. "Ana, I think in regards to what I need and don't need is a decision that I can only make. Elena can say whatever but in the end, it is solely my decision. I want you, have wanted you and will want you to be with me. As I said before, I need you in my life. Surely, I know myself better than anyone else."

Ana doesn't sound convinced but chalks it up to something we have to deal with on a case-by-case basis.

"Ana, tell me about Christian coming to your apartment."

She scoffs. "Well, it was a real shit show if you ask me and I'm still fucking pissed about it. I'm sorry I'm cursing but I can't even begin to tell you how embarrassing it was to go through that. I have never been accused of disloyalty in my life and it hurt. I'm not one to play games, it's a waste of time. I didn't ask for space to play games with him, I did it to find myself but he will not listen. I have someone following me; I know it because Mia told me about her covert CPO so I knew he'd do the same to me. He's definitely watching me on CCTV because I have NEVER run into him this many times in the elevator or around work. I wasn't born yesterday. Oh... and how could I forget... him summoning me to a farce of an HR meeting in his office." She looks fucking pissed and she looks to me.

Fuck. She is GOOD and I'm embarrassed but also stubborn as fuck so I refuse to concede. I can see John give me a knowing look.

Ana gets up and starts to pace around as she continues to speak, she keeps her back to me as she looks out of the window.

"And then... his anger... he came at me and..." she stifles a sob and I feel like my blood go ice-cold. John gives me a worrying look.

"What do you mean he came at you Ana?"

She takes a breath. "He was angry, so fucking angry and asked me if I really thought I could get over him and that I was only his and he came at me and in that moment... I...I..." she shakes her head. "For a second it reminded me of all those times I had been in situations where Vishaal came at me. I felt helpless and it gave me a small window into what maybe Dominant Christian is like but this time... something else happened... one second I felt insane fear and then suddenly... I...I felt something shift inside of me. It felt dark but also clear... I felt... it was like a realization... my body... something I've been trying to protect... it just doesn't matter any more, it had already been broken and abused so if it happened again, it wouldn't matter. All I need is my mind. I came back from such darkness and pain. I learned how to walk again, how to speak again... if I could do all of that then I could certainly get over heartbreak. I couldn't have been brought back to lose myself over someone." She sobs, shaking her head and I hide my face in my hands. Fuck, she thought I was going to force myself on her. The fucked up part is, a part of me might have. I definitely wanted to kiss her and doing so would have willed her to let me take her. Fuck. FUCK, I am such an asshole.

She remains standing, looking out of the window, quietly crying as John gives her tissues. He looks back at me and signals me to speak.

"Ana, I am so sorry. That was certainly not my intention. I know I should have approached all of this very differently, I know I fucked this up. I shouldn't have been aggressive like that, I am still learning and I am trying my best to be worthy of you. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I never want you to feel afraid of me. I would never hurt you like that. This is all very new for me too, when you said all of that, it knocked the wind out of me, it showed me how strong you truly are and I felt so small. I felt rejected all over again. The thought of you not wanting me... I can't... I just... I'm sorry." My voice is strained and my throat burns.

"I didn't say all of that to hurt you even though I realize it came across that way. It's just the simple truth. No one dies for anyone Christian and life moves on after heartbreak. It isn't ideal but after a while it hurts less and you put one foot in front of the other. I know I had a weak moment at the dock but it's not something I wasn't in control of. I have been living with various forms of heartbreak since I was little, what's one more? I don't think it will dramatically tip the scales, at this point I'm used to it." She takes a deep breath and sits back down. Her face is hidden behind her hair.

"Ana, how do you want to move forward from this?" John asks.

"Well, like I've been saying from the very beginning. I want space and time but I can't seem to get it. At this point I have seriously considered resigning because it's just... it's a lot. I mean I know how impatient he is. I worked for him for 4 months before we met, I have heard it and seen it all and sometimes it was terrifying. We may not have known each other but I have seen that side of him but I..." she turns to look at me and her face is red, her eyes full of sadness. "It's like I told you in your office that day with HR... we are just different people, we operate differently and need different things. You have to respect that. I know you have needs but what I am asking you to do is to really look inside yourself and ask the important questions. You have never done that. It's always been your way or the highway. Well, guess what... I am not your submissive Christian; I can't be bend to your will. You have to respect my wishes. Relationships require expansion of personality, if you just stick to your hold habits and coping mechanisms then we will have no way of progressing. Please try and understand. Not everything is a game, not everything can be won." A new wave of tears fall and she looks down.

"Christian, would you like to add anything?"

"I know. You're right and I'm sorry. I got carried away and this is all very new to me. I'm sorry. I will stop and I will back off. I will still be there should you need me but Ana I cannot compromise on the security, it's non-negotiable."

She rolls her eyes "Fine, whatever. But I still want to go to work on my own. They can lay low." Fuck, thank God she agreed.

Sunday, January 26th, 2020

For some reason, I have this urge to hangout with Elliot. This has almost never happened but since Ana a lot of almost never happened things have happened. Flynn was right, I need to talk to people my own age, I need to talk to my peers and who better than my brother.

CG: Hey Elliot, are you free this evening?

EG: All good? We just hung out two nights ago.

CG: Yeah, I thought maybe you could come to Escala and hang out. Was hoping we could talk?

EG: Yeah sure, bro. What time?

CG: After 5pm?

EG: Can Gail make some mac and cheese. That shit is like crack.

CG: She already made some for the weekend so we're good.

...

I've been in the office working most of the afternoon when I glance at the time and see it's 5:30 and I hear the faint sound of the television. Is he already here?

I walk out towards the sound and see Elliot plopped on the couch stuffing his face with mac and cheese with a six pack in front of him.

"Sup little bro?" he grins like a child with his mouth half full. I can't help but roll my eyes.

"Not much, Lelliot. I see you've found your happy place."

"Oh yeah, I saw you on a call in the office and I thought I'd just chill for a bit and watch a show till you were done and then I saw the mac and cheese and well... here we are."

"I'll go make myself a bowl and join you in a bit."

We make idle chit chat and catch up on his current development projects and the new ones he's bidding for. I'm proud of him, he's really soaring with Grey construction and he's doing a great job. After sometime the conversation starts to lull and I can tell he has stuff on his mind, I know exactly what he's thinking and what he wants to ask.

"Elliot, I know you have a lot of questions and we never got to talk while Ana was at the house so go ahead and I'll try and answer the best I can."

His face tenses and I can tell this is going to be a long night and we're going to need more than a 6 pack.

"I think I'm going to need something stronger to get start and get through this conversation." He says in a small voice.

"Okay then let's go into my study. I keep the good stuff there anyway."

I get the bottle of scotch and give him a glass. We're probably going to go through this entire bottle given what lies ahead.

"Christian, I think more than anything my question is... why? Was it something we did to make you feel that you couldn't come to us for help or talk?"

"Elliot, please believe when I say that I didn't do this to spite you all. I just had issues and I had all this fucking anger and hurt inside of me. I didn't and to some degree still don't know how to properly articulate it. What happened with Elena... just happened. I couldn't bear to be touched and still can't. I just... " my voice trails off. "I know that it killed you guys but I was in my own personal hell with no way out. I didn't think I was worthy. All this shit gave me a respite from it and it taught me a great deal of control, which is what helped me get to the level of success I reached today. It helped get what I need without the fear of being touched. It was what I needed or at least what I thought I needed." I lose my words again; I can't seem to explain myself any further.

I see Elliot stare at the coffee table and his eyes closed as if I've pained him.

"I can't help think that this is equally my fault, if I hadn't teased you and been such an asshole when we were younger, you could've learned to trust me and confide in me. You're my kid brother, it fucking sickens me that Elena did that shit to you. If I see her again I will rip that bitch to pieces." He says with disgust and an extreme sadness that makes a lump form in my throat.

"I want to kill her too but I'd rather watch her suffer at this point and trust me I'm working on making that happen."

"Did you really enjoy that lifestyle Christian? Because I can't seem to see who you are with... all of that." He can barely speak himself and I can sense his disgust.

"It was never enjoyment, it was a means to an end. I got what I needed and moved on. With Ana, I realized how fucking hollow my life had been till now. She gave you guys back to me in a way that I never knew I could have and I am filled with a lot of regret because of it."

"Did you want that for her initially?" Elliot gives me a look that I know all too well. It's a look when you're praying to a higher power to be proven wrong but I can't lie to him.

I take a deep breath. "Elliot when I first saw her at GEH, I briefly thought, yes, but only because that was all that I knew and I hadn't had a contract in almost 4 months. It was a fleeting thought but my interaction with her at work was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. Then... her eyes. I was a goner. When I saw her walk in at the intro lunch at Scooter's wedding... at the risk of sounding like a limp dick sap... I saw life in color for the first fucking time. I didn't know she was connected to the wedding when I saw her at work that first time. She introduced herself as Anastasia and whenever you and Mia talked about her you said Ana so I never made the connection."

Elliot looks away from and runs his hand through his hair. "I know that you really love her, I truly know that but that small window of time where you wanted her as a submissive... she didn't deserve that. She didn't deserved to be looked at like that and considered that way. She's a god damn angel." Elliot's voice is low.

"Dude, when I met her in Cabo, I can't describe it... I instantly had a bond with her that I have never been able to have with Mia and I love Mia, I do, but she's always been your kid sister and I was okay with that because I thought, I was always teasing you but that's what older brothers did. But you got to have that bond with her and she opened you up a bit so it was fine. I had my friends and I had a relationship with mom and dad and I was happy... but meeting Ana, I thought this kid gets me... and then you know already how she cared for Mia. She was already family to me since then and then she brought you out of your shell in just a few hours of the wedding. It was like watching a miracle worker. I think I finally got to see the real you. I wish we had met her sooner... and then we could had you come back to us as well. "

He smiles but it's still laced with sadness and the gravity of his words floor me. Elliot in spite of his carefree and big personality has always been the sensitive one among us. He had a big heart and a lot of love to give. Much like Ana. Maybe that's why they have such a strong connection and understand each other.

I can barely speak. "I'm sorry Elliot. I know I've disappointed you."

"I'm not disappointed Christian, I'm just..." he takes a deep breath. "I'm just sad because you have never deserved that shit. What happened to you when you were a kid, what Elena did to you, none of that shit should've happened you and it's not your fault. We just need to move on now and make sure shit like this doesn't get the best of us so we can actually strengthen our relationship. Enough of the secrets, I've got your back no matter what. You're my only brother. Even if I'm fucking pissed at you, I've got your back. But Christian, you have got to talk to us. We're your family... we're always going to be on your side."

"I know and I'll never forget it." I say with my voice strained. "By the way, Mia knows as well. She came to me after that night at the dock and I couldn't hide it. She doesn't know all the details about the BDSM stuff but she knows about what Elena did to me. I don't know if she's said anything."

I see Elliot nod and swallow "No she hasn't. I don't think any of us are going to be able to talk about this, we're all just processing this on our own for now."

"Did you and Ana get a chance to talk on Friday night after you left my apartment?"

"I tried to but she said that after my little show at her apartment last week, the only way she was going to have a conversation with me was in front of Flynn. We had a session yesterday and well... it was heavy."

"Yeah about that... real dick move bro. You really suck at the relationship stuff. You could've just called me and I would've helped you out but no, you had to go and be the tough guy only to get your balls cut off and tossed out by a 5'5" woman." Elliot laughs out loud and I join in and pretty soon we're howling.

"Dude, she's fucking terrifying. I had yelled at her and she just stood there and spoke to me with the most fucking, chilling calm. I swear I thought she was going to murder me. I mean, even Grace wasn't that terrifying. After she said her piece she walked up to me and said, 'now get the fuck out of my apartment before I throw you out', I swear to god, I almost died."

"Dude, there's a reason why her last name is Steele. Fucking nuts bro."

"She doesn't want me anymore though. She's made it abundantly clear on a many occasions and I'm sick to my stomach at the idea of not having her in my life. It's a fucking punch in the gut every second of every day. It also doesn't help that she works only two floors below me and whatever little interaction we've had or the number of times our paths of crossed, she remains impassive and unaffected by me."

"Christian, you're not giving her time. You are the most impatient man I know. I know you're afraid of losing her but the more you push, the more she's going to back out. I get that this is all new but patience bro, patience. I'm having dinner with her tomorrow. Kate's off to New York for a few days with her dad so we're all taking turns meeting up with her under the guise of 'let's hang out' when we're really just making sure she's doing okay."

"Okay. Yeah, sure. That sounds like a good idea." I feel a wave of jealousy run through me, I'm obviously not on this list.

"I'm not going to lie, I'm a little jealous of the relationship you have with her." I say with a small voice filled with regret. Elliot looks at me with wide eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, you guys have this connection, like you can read each other's minds and you're always making each other laugh and she's so comfortable with you. I don't know... I wish I had that with her."

"Well, her and I are alike in some ways but Christian, our relationship is so different from what you both have. I used to be so jealous of the relationship you and Mia shared. She always ran to you. She always took your side when we fought but as I grew older it bothered me less and less because sometimes that's just how it is. Doesn't make us any less of siblings, I know she'll still be there for me when I need it most. You too can have all of that with Ana but you have got to open up to her. You have got to let her see who you are and let her in. You're hiding behind this fear of...I don't know what it is, but you are holding back. And Ana, she just gives bro. She gives it all. Why do you think we all gravitate towards her? She doesn't even ask for anything, we all just want to be there for her. She knows how to meet everyone at their level and make them feel like they are the only person in the room. I have NEVER seen anyone do that. Fuck, I don't know how she does that, it looks fucking exhausting but she's a pro at it."

"You should see her at GEH, Lelliot. She recently saved us $10 million on contract because there were grammar errors and a clause that didn't belong in the final contract. She started this cookie initiative that's improved interdepartmental relationships which has helped Ros so much. Ros is in love with her. Can you imagine? Everyone in the fucking building knows her, from the janitorial staff, she's as famous as me except they all want to actually be her friend... She hosted karaoke night at a bar recently and at least 100 people showed up. She gave this speech on how she wanted to see more community at GEH and that they had to work together and make each other's lives easier so they could have a more meaningful work experience." I look up and Elliot is grinning like a like a proud brother. "HR showed me the video of her speech, hold on I have it." I pull up the email and play it for Elliot and he smiles and laughs.

"And get this, we had her come to my office to give us an informal assessment of my management style of GEH and she fucking laid it out there. She didn't hold back, she put me in my place. Said the only thing I had to offer was money when my employees needed validation and trust from me. I could go on and on. I was speechless Lelliot. You should've seen it. Ros is obsessed with her, the whole fucking building worships her." I shake my head in awe.

"Bro, for fucks sake, stop fucking this up. You're never going to find another girl like her. She's 1 in a billion."

"I know Elliot, I'm trying. In spite of myself, I'm really trying."


Authors Note: I know... the EMOSHUNS are too much. I promise the next two chapters are sweet and funny. I'm still reorganizing some of what I've already written and it's alot. I have a problem with brevity as you can see. I just want to describe everything, physically and emotionally. HELP.

Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 22-23-24 board :)

Music:

Hanging by a moment - Lifehouse

Your Body is A Wonderland - John Mayer

Overprotected - Britney Spears

Khamaj - Fuzon