Night 5:
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain
You would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become
Comfortably numb
I can't sleep.
Troy and I haven't really spoken to each other much, except for when he asked me if I could let him change the bandages. He thinks the wound has stopped bleeding out, but it will be a while before it can start to heal. I barely notice the pain anymore. I've just been so numb. And plagued by a different pain.
I lean up against a large boulder, staring at the dark sky. Ethan's face has already shown up and left, taunting me. I could've done something, but I didn't. I'm such a wimp.
Troy's fiddling with one of Ethan's sponsor gift, this weird remote that has nothing but a big red button on it. We haven't pressed it yet, because we don't know what it might do. Maybe it doesn't do anything unless Ethan activates it. But he's not here, is he?
My eyes sting. I've been rubbing at them so much to chase the tears away. I can't bring it in me to cry anymore. Or do anything. All I want to do is sleep, but I can't. I'm afraid. I don't want to know what happens when I close my eyes.
I flop backwards, feeling something slightly hard under my head. I'm lying up against Troy's shoulder. He doesn't react, just places the remote thingy on the ground next to him and sighs. "So...do you wanna talk about it now?"
"Are you my therapist?"
"I'd make a really shitty therapist."
I stretch out my legs. "You're probably way better than me."
"I think you're sad."
"No shit."
"Is it because of Ethan?"
"I don't know."
"You want to try and help...but at that point he was too far gone..."
I blink back tears as Troy continues, picking the dirt from his nails. He's always so careful not to actually touch the ground. "That's life. Yeah...it's nice to try and help someone...but...not everyone can be saved...that's why being in medical sucks sometimes...not like I do anything but stitch wounds..."
"That doesn't help."
"It's the truth."
"Thanks, Troy."
Troy eventually turns over; I can hear his heavy breathing as he tries to find a comfortable position to sleep in, lying more or less on top of the bags. I just keep staring up at the sky. I miss being able to see the stars. I miss looking out of a window and watching the clouds drift by. It's funny, all these everyday tasks that I might not ever get to do again. They're the things I miss the most.
I do miss my family though. And my friends...well, some of my friends. I know I did leave them on a sour note. It just makes me want to cry thinking about it. All the things I could've said and done, had I know what was going to happen at the Reaping.
God, I hope the cameras aren't watching me right now. Me, who can't feel anything but the urge to cry. Why can't I exhaust my tears like how I've exhausted the rest of my body?
"Are you crying?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Shut up."
Troy stifles a yawn, sitting up. "Yes you are."
"No. I'm not."
"Can I do anything to help?"
I shake my head. There isn't anything anyone can do. "It's about me. I just...I should be dead. Maybe if Ethan found me just a little bit later, I would've bled out and died. He...he saved me! And what did I do for him after? I let him die! I just sat there, too shocked to do jack shit and he died on me!"
"Again, what more could be done?"
"I don't know!" I drop my head in my hands, grabbing at my grimy hair. "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know..."
"VR, come on...I...do you want some water, maybe? Are the bandages too tight?"
"It has nothing to do with you! It's me! It's my fault!"
I let my emotions take over me, force me to become absolutely useless to a dying boy. I wish I could just turn them off, like a tap.
Beep.
A sliver parachute delicately floats down in front of me. I just ignore it while Troy grabs it. "It's for you."
"What is it?"
"An umbrella."
Great. That's the last thing I need right now. An umbrella to keep Troy dry from all the fucking tears I'm crying out. So much salt has been rubbed into the wound that it causes my eye to sting and my stomach to explode with cramps. I double over in pain while Troy reads the note attached to the umbrella.
This is no plain old boring umbrella. This is a brand new FireTin Umbrella 2000! It's an umbrella strong enough to deflect falling rocks and resistant to any kind of flames. Plus, it also keeps you dry in the storm! Rain not included.
Troy tucks the note into his pocket. "While, I was not expecting that."
"The sponsors have been sending me all sorts of weird shit. Well, not weird. Some of it's actually pretty useful."
"I'd say this umbrella is pretty useful.
Troy closes the umbrella and hands it to me. "You should get some rest now."
"I'm not tired."
"You're not tired or you can't sleep?"
"Both."
I tuck my arm under my head. "I just...I feel so..."
"So do I."
"But you did nothing wrong."
"Well, I'm going to sleep." Troy leans over a second time. "And I think you'll feel better about this tomorrow. Doctor's orders."
Well, if it's an order, then I guess there's not fighting that. I just close my eyes, unsure of how long it will take for sleep to finally come.
Alliances:
Careers: Cindra, Anthony, Quincy
The Beans: Sitka, Maryann
Three Bs: Tyrone, Whyllis
Awkward Duo: Troy, VR
Lone Wolf Opal: Opal
Kills:
Cindra: 4 (Bartleby, Ellie, Magaz, Leo)
Anthony: 2 (Gayle, Basil)
Quincy: 2 (Flynn, Teff)
Karen: 1 (Abril)
Tyrone: 1 (Delta)
Magaz: 1 (Karen)
Whyllis: 2 (Damask, Jane)
Other Causes: 1 (Ethan)
It's another deathless chapter. But VR's having a emotional breakdown in the middle of the night, which isn't exactly good news either.
Don't worry, I have things planned. We're gonna have some real fun action soon! :3
-Vr
