Lily and Severus had come to a tacit understanding that political matters were off the agenda. He had told her that he was having doubts, that he wished he had not done it, and she believed him, and that was the end of the discussion - except for a single suggestion she had made, that perhaps Dumbledore would be able to help, if Severus would come to him. Severus had blinked, and looked at her, and she had understood.
The Drink of Despair was devilishly hard to brew. Its ingredients were expensive, rare, and dangerous, and it required extreme caution and precision - but Severus knew he was the man for the job. After all, as he reminded himself, he had successfully brewed Veritaserum in his sixth year, in a desperate attempt to override the silencing spell Dumbledore had put on him. For all the doubt that had riddled him, and all the danger harbouring a member of the Order in his house entailed - he was sure of this - he was the man for this job and this job needed to be done.
Dumbledore had made it so that Severus could not tell Lily the truth about Sirius, about what James had saved him from - he had made it so that Severus had lost her, had almost lost Regulus, had almost lost his life. He had made him cover up his own attempted murder. He had made Severus taste such bitter loneliness, such crippling helplessness, all to protect himself and continue to hide his decision to let a werewolf into the castle where children slept, and remain on friendly terms with the Blacks and their Gringotts vaults. Nobody, not even Sirius himself, deserved the deep green potion more than Dumbledore - Sirius deserved only death. Despair was what Dumbledore had caused him - when he could not even tell Lily, who had accused him of being obsessed, who had lectured him about Mulciber's joke that he'd use Dark magic on Mary, when he had choked on the words and found himself compelled to blab about James fancying Lily, when he could not even write down "for the werewolf" in his own potions book, and had been forced to write "for enemies," when Regulus had not believed him that Sirius had done something really bad, the way he was frustrated and angry with Severus... how much Severus had wanted to tell him the truth... despair was like being an animal trapped among flames - everywhere Severus had turned, from the moment James had pulled his limp body out of the Shrieking Shack, to the moment Regulus had finally accomplished legilimency, traps closed in on him, flames had threatened to swallow him. Anyone who swallowed this drink would relive and reveal their deepest, most shameful, most frightening memories and thoughts, and gradually become more desperately gullible, more helpless. The potion could not be charmed or transfigured, there was no known antidote, and its drinker would be impervious to any other form of magic. There would be no helping Dumbledore. Severus looked at the bottle he had filled and he felt great pride - the Dark Lord had trusted him, and he was about to deliver, above and beyond what anybody else could do.
Even so, he was terrified of facing the Dark Lord now - his doubts had been impossible to quell ever since he'd seen what happened to Rodolphus. And it's just perfect - he got Cruciated, and he used to sit to the Dark Lord's left - what do you think will happen to you, when he finds out what you've been thinking, when he finds out that you've been living with Lily? The irony did not elude him - as long as he could convince himself that he was crazy, he could stand to face his master; but after what had happened to Rodolphus - what would have happened to Regulus if he had only let something slip - Severus was sure, and the surer he was, the more fearful he grew, and the more fearful he grew, the surer he was - and the higher his own risk became of finding himself at St. Mungo's next to Rodolphus. The Dark Lord's voice had spoken, directly to Severus's soul: All traitors will be caught.
Severus had to deliver the Drink of Despair, however, and waiting any longer would not make it easier - a delay could only incur him the Dark Lord's wrath. He focused on the one permissible thought he had - Dumbledore will drink this and he will feel what he had done to me - and pressed down on the skull's mouth. Within moments, the Mark on his skin glowed and his arm burned - he had been summoned.
He apparated to the Death Eaters' new headquarters at the Malfoy Manor, where he had felt more at home, at least, where he did not see Rodolphus writhing in agony. He decided keeping eye contact to an acceptable minimum would be best from now on - that way, it would not seem strange if he'd be forced to so in the future. He knelt on the marble floor before the Dark Lord, Lucius, and Bellatrix for longer than he had to - do not give him reason to question you. Dignity was a privilege - it was reserved for those who were safe.
The Dark Lord smiled, and he appeared to be satisfied.
"You have sought an audience with me."
"Yes, My Lord. I have. I completed the task you have set me."
"Very good, Severus. And you have put all your considerable talent toward it? You have understood the importance of the task, and you spared no effort?"
"None, My Lord" - Severus looked down as though hiding something - "I have put all my effort into it, I -"
Bellatrix coughed. Severus looked up and into his master's eyes, and he thought about the potion he had indeed brewed to perfection.
"My beautiful warrior, he is telling the truth," Lord Voldemort told her. Bellatrix appeared vexed, dissatisfied - Lucius seemed very pleased.
"It might be my best work yet, My Lord. It is ready."
"Very well. Very, very well. Young Severus, I appreciate your discretion, but there is no need to be so careful in present company. You may hand it to me."
Severus removed the bottle from his bag and handed it over.
The Dark Lord surveyed it carefully, and smiled again. "Excellent," he whispered. "This is sure to aid me in my battle against my most bitter enemy." Lucius and Bellatrix gave knowing nods, and Severus only said: "My master's enemy is my enemy, My Lord."
"Well said, young Severus. If only Bellatrix's husband had felt the same."
Was the Dark Lord goading her? Bellatrix, who had begged to torture her husband herself? She looked as though she was remembering a harsh lesson. "My Lord!" She cried. "If My Master wills it, I shall kill the filthy drunk at the first chance! I am ashamed that I ever married him, I never should have brought him before y-" the Dark Lord raised his hand and she fell silent. "Bella, Bella, I believe you. You do not need to grovel - the healers at St. Mungo's can tell us tales of the depth of your devotion."
Why must I witness this? Severus asked himself.
To his endless gratitude, Lucius coughed.
"You may part, Severus," the Dark Lord ordered him. "I thank you again. You have done excellent work."
Severus did not dare to leave as quickly as he wanted to - he bowed respectfully to the three people in the high chairs, so much like thrones, paced his steps, and only when he was out of the manor and, with the albino peacocks, did he loudly exhale. Ever since the last Death Eater meeting, he had been going over every possible line of questioning, endlessly making lists of who knew what, and what would be a plausible explanation for everything he had been hiding, yet when faced with the Dark Lord at last, his mind was strangely empty. He was aware of what he should be feeling, but he did not feel it. It was not pleasant - it was a dull and lonely sensation that dampened even his happiness that Lily had returned, but he had managed to control himself, and not to broadcast his heresy to the legilimens.
He apparated back to the flat, and he found that even when the danger had passed, he still could not relax. He told Lily he was not feeling very well and went to hide in the bedroom to think.
Lord Voldemort caressed the bottle. It contained seven cups of the Drink of Despair, exactly as he had ordered. He was very pleased.
Now was the time to summon the other recruit Lucius had brought him. The defences Lord Voldemort had designed for his third Horcrux had to be tested, and so did Regulus Black. He pictured his youngest follower's face and pressed down on the mark. Many kilometres away, Regulus's hand burned. Surprised to be summoned when he was supposed to be at school, Regulus apparated instantly, knelt, and waited.
"Mr. Black," the Dark Lord said softly, "your assistance is required again. I have been made aware that you have a house elf."
"Yes, My Lord. Kreacher." Regulus smiled fondly. "Why does My Lord ask?"
How sweet, the boy's affection for that elf. Lord Voldemort remembered Regulus's own memories, of being comforted by Kreacher, ever since he was a toddler. His insides hardened, suddenly. Nobody had comforted little Tom Riddle. But Tom Riddle was gone, there was only Lord Voldemort, and Lord Voldemort had followers who were as loyal to him as the house elves were to their masters.
"I ask that you bring me your elf and order him to assist me. I have a task that requires an elf's unique qualities." Chief among them, they are disposable.
"My Lord, I will be happy - honoured - to serve you myself -" Regulus started, but his master interrupted him. "I am touched, Regulus, but no. Elves possess special magic, and it is that that I have a need for. Malfoy has already given us his home - you cannot expect him to volunteer his elf as well? Worry not - it will be a great honour to you and to Kreacher, to help your master."
Regulus understood, and promised to obey.
Using Floo powder, he set off to his parents' house, where Kreacher had been living. Everybody knew that one day, soon, Regulus would take Kreacher with him to his flat - but as long as he was still at school, Regulus did not want to remind his parents that his flat was not empty. They resented the fact that a half-blood lived there at all, and they would certainly not appreciate said half-blood helping himself to their elf. This made Regulus miserable, but he reminded himself that Kreacher was happier with the family he had known since he was born, that Grimmauld Place had always been his only home, and that Severus did not need an elf to perform simple household magic. Kreacher will die of boredom with him anyway. He greeted his mum, and he greeted his dad - then explained that he had to do something for the Dark Lord, and that he would speak with them in a moment, and went to Kreacher's cupboard. The elf had clearly been sleeping, but he became animated as soon as he saw who it was. "Master Regulus! Kreacher is so happy to see young Regulus! Kreacher has missed him, missed him a lot!"
"I'm happy to see you too! In fact, you're the reason I came, Kreacher. I must ask you to do something for me -"
"Anything Master Regulus wants!"
"Kreacher, you know that in my room I keep pictures and articles about a great man - the Dark Lord. Ever since I was very young, do you remember that? The Dark Lord has honoured me, has accepted me as a follower - cousin Bella too, and cousin Cissy's husband - and he needs an elf. It will be a great honour for you, too, if you go and serve him, and do everything he asks, and then you will come home, Kreacher. Can you do that? It will make me very happy, and mum as well."
Kreacher did not like going outside - Regulus knew it - but of course, he agreed instantly.
"Wonderful, Kreacher! I will see you soon and tell you everything about school."
Long after Regulus and his parents had exhausted every subject of pleasant conversation, Kreacher still had not returned. Regulus was very familiar with the house elves' magic - he grew up around elves, he was never without one, and he could not understand what was taking so long.
When Kreacher finally popped back into the living room, he was shivering, nearly mute, and quite feral. Regulus had never seen Kreacher - or any other elf - in such a state. He could not speak, but only croak, barely audibly: "water... water..."
To his parents' astonishment, Regulus lowered himself to the floor to be near the elf as he gave him water with a spoon. "Serving the elf! What has become of my family?!" Walburga screeched, but Regulus barely heard her, He focused only on steadying his hand enough to give Kreacher water. Finally, Kreacher could speak.
"Kreacher... Kreacher wants to die," he said. "Kreacher is in great pain. Kreacher had done everything... Everything Master Regulus had asked... and Kreacher cried for Master Regulus to save him and Master Regulus did not come... Master Regulus hurt Kreacher… Kreacher was confused, Master Regulus sent him there to hurt him, like Master Sirius… but Kreacher is only an elf. I understand." With that, the elf shut his eyes and did not speak.
Regulus prayed that they still have the Euphoria Elixir, and took Kreacher with him, frantically, to his flat.
"HELP!" He shouted, as soon as the living room materialized around him. With their wands in their hands, Severus and Lily rushed toward him.
"What is it?" Severus asked. "What is Kreacher doing here?!"
"Help me," Regulus begged. "Look at him - he's never been like that, all he wants is water, he says I hurt him somehow -"
"Regulus, relax. What happened? Where have you been?"
"The Dark Lord summoned me, he said he needs an elf, I volunteered Kreacher like he'd asked, and he returned to my parents' house, he wouldn't let me come near him, he was shaking, and only wanted water, and now he's like this! Fix him! Do you have the Euphoria Elixir - please tell me we have it -"
Severus summoned the potion and handed it over to Regulus, who was already holding a spoon. He dipped it gently into the elf's mouth, and the elf woke up, with grinning ear to ear.
"Master Regulus has woken Kreacher up! Maybe he wants to give Kreacher more of that potion in the cave? Kreacher" - the elf got up and made a little dance - "is excited, let's go back there, let's go back - Kreacher can show you, and it'll be a great honour, Master Regulus said!"
"Kreacher, I order you to tell me everything!"
"Yes! Master Regulus wants to hear everything, how Kreacher suffered, Kreacher will tell him!" The elf was nodding excitedly, jumping up and down as he spoke. "Kreacher went to the Dark Lord Master Regulus has always admired and he bowed, and he said he will serve the Dark Lord to bring honour to Master Regulus, and do everything the Dark Lord wants. And the Dark Lord took Kreacher to a cave on a boat, and opened the cave wall - are we going? Can we go there now? And there was a basin, and the Dark Lord told Kreacher to drink, and Kreacher drank it, and he saw" - Kreacher giggled as though he had some particularly juicy gossip to share - "Master Sirius, when he was little, ordered Kreacher to punish himself for being a stupid little elf" - Kreacher seemed like he would keel over from laughter - "only in Kreacher's vision, Master Regulus did not come and save him from Master Sirius, no." The elf wheezed, and his audience looked appalled. "Why do Master Regulus and his friends look so shocked? Kreacher saw all the times, all the times Master Sirius hurt Kreacher, but he was alone and Master Regulus did not come - let's go again, Kreacher wants to show you! And then his insides started to burn, and the basin was finally empty, and the Dark Lord placed a locket inside the basin, and Kreacher wanted it to stop - he cried for his Master and Mistress to save him, but the Dark Lord - Regulus's Master - only laughed, and he said Regulus serves only him - that Regulus doesn't care - that Regulus wanted Kreacher to die and that now he was going to die - don't be sad, Master Regulus!" Kreacher still sounded so unnaturally excited. "Kreacher can still die! And Kreacher's master filled the basin with more of the potion, and he left, and Kreacher was thirsty, as when Master Sirius had ordered him not to drink for two days, and he ran to the lake, and he almost drowned - yes, drowned!" Kreacher announced, as though superbly pleased with himself, and Severus was pacing around the room, and Regulus was openly weeping, and Lily was frozen… "But Master Regulus had ordered Kreacher to come home, so Kreacher has come home."
Kreacher looked around the room looking disappointed, as though the people he was talking to did not get a very clever joke.
"Reg," Severus said gently - "he needs to sleep. The Drink of Despair and Euphoria Elixir, in one night - he needs to rest. Tell him to go to sleep."
"You heard Severus, Kreacher," Regulus groaned.
"But Kreacher doesn't want to go to sleep, Kreacher wants to go back, and die - like Master Regulus wants! For his honour, like the Dark Lord said!"
"Kreacher, go to sleep. Sleep until I tell you to wake up. Now."
Kreacher was mutinous, but he immediately lay on the floor and closed his eyes. Soon enough, his chest rose and fell - he was heavily asleep.
His face still shiny with tears, Regulus faced Severus. "Did you say Drink of Despair? What's that - how do we fix it? How did you know?"
Severus seemed to shrink before Regulus's eyes. "I brewed it. You- you watched me do it."
Regulus stared at Severus with venom. " You brewed it," he accused him. "Is that why you didn't tell me what it was?"
Severus seemed miserable, and guilty, and betrayed.
"Regulus, you don't understand. He told me - he told me it's for his most bitter enemy! I had no idea -"
"Imagine that," Regulus said miserably. "Who knew my house elf was so important! Kreacher, the Dark Lord's most bitter enemy! Severus, come on - tell me the truth."
The truth? He wants the truth - that all this time I thought I was the only one the Dark Lord hadn't fooled, that I was the only one who realized what he was, and yet he had fooled me into joining - and into brewing this dreadful potion? Does he know what he's asking of me?
"Regulus - Regulus, trust me - he said 'most bitter enemy', I thought it was Dumbledore! You have got to believe me -"
"And that would have been okay?" Lily interrupted him.
"Shut up, Lily!" Both of them hissed at her.
"How do you know what you brewed is what Kreacher drank?"
"The symptoms fit perfectly. I thought he wanted to extract information out of Dumbledore, to blackmail him with, or… I don't know! I just wanted Dumbledore to suffer, like he made me suffer!"
"That's just great - you're the best brewer in England and he has you poisoning elves! What have I done, Sev?" Regulus seemed inconsolable.
"You've done nothing wrong. You didn't know. He lied to you - he lied to both of us. And it's not like you had a choice."
"What do you mean, I didn't have a choice? I could have - I could have refused! I could have asked more questions, before I sent Kreacher to him!"
"No, Regulus, you had no choice. I wouldn't have let you. You've seen what happened to Dolph - you can't betray him. He'll kill you."
"Oh, please, Dolph deserved it - what did Kreacher do?"
Severus was desperate. "Don't you see, Reg? The Dark Lord doesn't care - Dolph made an innocent mistake and he's still in St. Mungo's! I understand that he was stupid, but did he deserve what he got?"
Severus did not feel relieved, at all - though these very words had been clamoring to come out, it was only part of what he was dying to say - and couldn't. Regulus only seemed more angry at this partial truth.
"For Merlin's sake, Severus! What does Rodoltus have to do with Kreacher? Kreacher didn't betray us, didn't sell us out to Dumbledore, didn't put Death Eaters in danger, didn't lie about it while the Dark Lord questioned everybody else, he's just an elf!"
There was no way out of telling the truth now - now that all Severus wanted to do was to keep Regulus safe and obedient, so that the Dark Lord would never go after him...
"Reg, he questioned you first. He thought it was you. And if Dolph had somehow lied to him, he would have tortured you. And he used Kreacher - to test you. If he finds out Kreacher's alive - if he finds out you care - you'll be in St. Mungo's next to Dolph. If you're lucky. So no, you had no choice."
"DON'T TELL ME I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE!" Regulus bellowed, and Severus shrunk even more. "And don't tell me you didn't have a choice either, the Dark Lord's been good to you, he wouldn't have forced you -"
He still thinks being a Black will protect him. He thinks he's still at Hogwarts.
Severus could not lie anymore, he had to tell Regulus - Regulus and Lily - everything he remembered, everything he knew. If the alternative is for Regulus to demand an explanation from the Dark Lord himself…
"Regulus, he's not been - do you remember being Marked?"
"What's that got to do with anything?"
"My Marking has gone wrong." Regulus looked at him with escalating confusion. "I mean, of course it worked" - he looked at his left arm - "but it wasn't like yours was. Reg, who told you that you have to kneel, that you must only call him 'My Lord'? How come you know that you must do these things?"
Regulus thought back. His mind was strangely vacant. "Lucius?" He proposed.
"No. It was the Dark Lord. While you were marked. He hypnotized you - or he confunded you, only it wasn't like being confunded, because he spoke into your mind, and then he made you forget it. And he ordered you to kneel before him and he said all traitors will be caught, and they will be punished, and it will be worse than death - and that's exactly what has happened."
"You're lying!" Regulus said, with a bitter laugh.
"I'm not. I will drink Veritaserum again, if it will make you listen."
When Severus said 'Veritaserum', Regulus felt like he was hit over the head with irony. This was - exactly - what had happened then. Again, Severus had brewed a potion, and again, someone he loved had drank it, and nearly died, and again, it was all Regulus's fault.
It finally hit Regulus with all its weight: Kreacher did not possess the capacity to lie to his master - every word of it, every syllable, told with twisted glee, was true. The Dark Lord used the Drink of Despair on an elf, and lied to Severus about it. There was only the matter of what Severus had just told him - about his Marking.
"We've been Marked in the summer - and you never told me anything?"
"I thought I'd hallucinated it. But then, after what happened to Dolph… you have to believe me."
Kreacher thinks I tried to hurt him, like Sirius did… he said it, right before he collapsed - just like Severus did, because of Sirius -
It was the worst memory of his life, and he was reliving it in the most awful way. Walls closed around Regulus - he began to suffocate, to hyperventilate… I've nearly killed Severus, and I've nearly killed Kreacher - all because I didn't believe Sirius really was that bad, and that the Dark Lord would do anything to harm him… and now he will kill me…
Regulus began to laugh, a mad laugh. "What are we supposed to do now, Sev?"
"I don't know," Severus said, and he was desperate.
"May I speak now?" Lily said, and although Severus could tell she was trying to be understanding, he knew Regulus heard only her harshness. They both stared at her.
"It's obvious, isn't it? You have to join me. We'll fight the 'Dark Lord' together."
"Don't be an idiot Lily, that's impos-"
"I wouldn't call anyone else an idiot, Regulus, I'm not the one who became a Death Eater."
Suddenly, Severus felt immense relief. He cracked a smile and said to her, "there's something to be said, you know, for being made a fool of by the Dark Lord rather than James Potter."
Kreacher was still sound asleep on the floor. The three of them shared some Firewhiskey, and - laughing and crying - they knew that Lily was right.
