My apartment was empty. Kara and I used our speed to pack everything into boxes, distracting me from how broken I truly felt. I still felt like me, but not me. I felt empty like a part of me had died, which in reality it had. My human side was gone. Everything I used to be was gone.
I wanted to curl in a ball and cry, but I knew it was impossible. I wanted to tell Kara everything, but I also knew the impossibility of that. I was trapped and all I wanted to do was scream. So I focused on getting the majority of my stuff, Kara said she would have someone come over to get the rest later.
I worked on my bedroom while Kara worked on the other parts of the house. I found my journal hidden under my bed and I shoved it deep into the box, covering it with clothes and trinkets. When I had time to unpack, I would find a place to hide it.
Once packed, Kara took a few boxes at a time and flew them to her apartment. Once clear, since it was cloudy, we walked back to her apartment side by side. Now that I was a full vamtronian I no longer had to fear the sun, but Kara didn't know that. When we arrived, my boxes were set in the corner and Kara said we could deal with them later.
Kara and I sat on the couch together. Neither looking toward the other, our eyes staring up at the white of the ceiling. Kara was the first to speak, "I'm really happy you wanted to move in. I was so nervous you would say no."
"I would never say no to you."
Kara rolled her head to look toward me. I felt her eyes on my face so I did the same. I could get lost in her eyes for hours. Watching the ocean blue twinkle in the light. Her smile faded as I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
Her hand rose to my face and she wiped the tear away, her hand lingering. "What's wrong?"
I wanted to tell her so badly...I almost did when this sharp pain seize my side. Just thinking about it made the pain surface and I knew saying it would be worse. I opened my mouth to spout some lie when my phone rang. I got off the couch and answered the call, wiping my face. "Hello?"
Lex's voice was on the other line. "I need you to meet me at the warehouse. I want to get you used to your powers. Come over immediately."
"But I…" A shot of pain went through my side, causing me to grit my teeth. Luckily, my back was to Kara. "I'll be right over."
I hung up and turned around to find Kara standing inches from me. Her face turned worried. "Where are you going?"
I shoved my phone in my pocket. "Deirdre wanted to meet and talk. It should only take a little while."
I grabbed my purse and keys from the counter. I made it to the door before she blocked my path. "Something is wrong I can feel it. What aren't you telling me?"
"Nothing, okay? I promise."
"Carly…"
I plastered a fake smile on my face. "Kara, I'm fine. I'll see you later." I kissed her cheek. "I love you"
I left before she could say another word. If she already suspected something was up I had a major problem. I headed to the warehouse and found Lex and Lena. I looked around and Lex sensed who I was looking for. "He isn't here. Brainy had to return to the DEO to help Nia Nal with something."
I sighed with crossed arms. "So, why am I here? You called when Kara was in the room with me. She already suspects something is wrong and she could have heard you through the dialer."
"She couldn't have." Lex said with a smug smile. "While you were out, I hacked your phone and wired it with some lead. She will never hear whoever is on the other line, but I hope you lessened her suspicion."
"Yeah, I told her Deirdre called so we could meet up, but I could tell she didn't fully believe me. It's only day one and I already know this is not going to work." I said, shaking my head.
"You just have to play it smart." Lex said, clearing his throat. "Now to why I called you here. You are a full vamtronian now and that comes with special abilities. Like flight and hypnotism. Before we can fight Leviathan I need to know you can use these abilities."
Lena stepped forward with a clipboard in hand. "He wants to see what you can do. So, could you try to fly and touch the ceiling above us." We all looked up. "It is probably 150ft in the air. Concentrate and see if you can place your hand on the metal."
"What if I fall?" I asked
Lex was annoyed. "You heal quite quickly, Carly. A fall will not kill you. Now concentrate and try to fly."
I rolled my eyes and took a few steps back from them. I jumped into the air and fell straight back down. With my abilities I could jump quite high, but not 150ft. So I continued at this for several minutes when I realized it wasn't working. I needed to try something else.
I closed my eyes and concentrated on the idea of flying. The feeling I felt when Kara carried me with her. The wind through my hair, the smell of crisp air, and the feeling of weightlessness. I imagined being in Kara's position and zooming through the sky watching the small cars travel and the lights flicker. I began to smile at this thought because anything Kara related always made me happy.
I suddenly felt the feeling of cool metal against the top of my head. I opened my eyes to realize my head was touching the ceiling. I looked down to see I had somehow flown all the way up without even realizing it. The second I did realize it, however, I freaked out and fell 150ft downward onto the floor.
Normally, all the air would have been knocked from me, but because I don't breathe anymore, I just felt an ache in my back. Lena ran over as Lex just slowly walked. She stood above me with actual worry in her eyes.
"Are you okay, Carly?" Lena asked, offering her hand to me. I considered pushing her hand away, but if I could buddy up with her, she might just help me. So, instead of slapping her hand away, I placed my hand in hers and she helped me to my feet.
Lex approached with crossed arms, but Lena was the one to speak. "What caused you to fly?"
"Kara…" I said with a small smile. "I thought of Kara."
Lex was annoyed at my horrible landing, but let it slide. He snapped his fingers and one of his guards approached with no emotion on his face whatsoever. Lex grabbed a chair and forced the guard to sit. "Now that we know you can fly, we need to practice your hypnotism ability. I want you to hypnotize him with whatever command you like, but if it is to kill me or Lena, well, you know how that will end. I have also placed a special device on the rest of my men, including Lena and I, so your ability will not work on us."
"What do you want me to make him do?" I asked
Lex shrugged. "Make him forget this conversation."
I looked from Lex to the guard. I sighed loudly and took a few steps forward. I placed my hands on the chair arms, leaning down so our faces were on the same level. I had never done this before and Deirdre had never told me how to even begin. So, I thought about how vampires in movies did it and I tried to replicate it.
I looked into the man's eyes as he did the same with me. I stared deep into them like I was trying to swim in the colors. Suddenly, I felt his warm feeling rush over me and the guard's arms went limp. I looked deeper, feeling this lock inside him snap and then I knew I'd gotten in.
I spoke my command. "I want you to forget this conversation ever happened. You went for a snack and returned to your post."
The man monotonically repeated me. When I took a step back he blinked, grabbed his gear, and went back to his station as if nothing had ever happened. This made Lex very happy, almost giddy. For a second I thought he might jump up and down while clapping his hands.
Instead a giant smile appeared on his ugly face. "That was excellent. Your first try and it worked, amazing. I have heard some minds are harder to crack, but with practice that could come in real use."
"Now that we know I am capable of flight and hypnotism, what now?" I asked
"Nothing...for now." Lex said, heading for the door. He turned back with a smile. "Now that we know you can accomplish what I need, I will call upon you when it's time to fight back. Until then act like nothing is the matter."
He left the room, whistling as he went. I looked from him toward Lena who began packing up her stuff. I used my speed to appear in front of her, grabbing her wrist before she could pick up her bag. I wasn't causing any pain, but I held her wrist hard enough where she couldn't slip free.
I looked from our hands up to her face. "Lena, I know you didn't want this to happen. You did a lot of bad things to me and I will never fully forgive you for it, but I do know you aren't a monster. The look on your face yesterday proved that. Now I know he is helping you with Non Nocere, but he isn't following your mission. He is hurting people and I know you hate it. Please, if any part of you still cares, help me."
"I don't know if I can." Lena said with honesty. "He made that formula without my knowledge. Lex would never share how he did it with me and reversing it without the ingredient list would be impossible. Besides, he is my partner, why would I defy him?"
I squeezed her hand slightly. "Lena, listen to me. I know you think what he did to me was wrong and I know you have the capability to reverse it. I know you hate Kara and all of us for lying to you, but this is life and death here. He could make me kill innocent people, Lena. I know you don't want that to happen so please just consider it. Please."
Lena was silent for a long moment before slightly nodding. I let her wrist go and she collected the rest of her belongings. She got to the door before turning back. "I'm sorry this happened to you. I truly am."
Kara sat back on the couch with confusion and worry. She could tell I was hiding something, but she couldn't understand why. We always told each other everything, so what changed? A few hours later she heard a knock at the door.
She hoped that it was me, but when she opened the door Nia was on the other side. Nia's eyes were puffy and tears stained her cheeks. Kara noticed Nia's disheveled state and brought her to the counter. Once situated, she made some hot cocoa for her.
"Nia, what happened?" Kara asked, handing a mug to Nia
Nia brought the drink to her lips, setting the cup down, and then explaining. "My friend Yvette was meeting this guy named Angus at a bar. She went out to meet him while I was in the bathroom. I came back to find her bleeding in the alleyway. Her date left a message that said the world doesn't want a trans superhero."
"Don't listen to his lies. You are just as real a hero as the rest of us. You save lives everyday and you should be proud of that." Kara said, placing her hands on Nia's shoulders.
"Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a good hero, but...he isn't the only one." Nia said, biting her lip. "I had J'onn do some research for me and Angus is a member of this online group. It's a hate group against transexual people, specifically transgender women who claim to be a fan of me."
Kara recognized the look on Nia's face. "Nia, hurting him is not going to solve anything. If we can figure out who he is, we can do this the right way."
"Kara, I tried and I am tired of waiting." Nia huffed. "Since this was your day off I got help from J'onn, Alex, and even had a short chat with...Brainy. They said it could take a few days to find this group and who Angus was since he wasn't in the crime database. This man needs to be taken off the streets and I can't wait a few days. He threatened my friend's life and I don't take that lightly."
"Nia, I understand…"
Nia shook her head and got up from her stool, turning back toward Kara with an annoyed look. "No, Kara. You don't understand. You will never understand what I am going through."
"Hey, maybe I don't." Kara said, getting off her stool. "But I understand being hated. I was bullied everyday when I was a kid for being weird. The first person I ever told I was bisexual to shut me out and never looked at me again because I was different. No, I'm not transgender and I won't ever fully understand what you go through, but I understand hate, better than most. But killing him is not the answer. You know that, Nia."
Nia shook her head. "I'm sorry Kara, but I can't wait. He is a threat as long as he is on these streets and I am going to bury him."
"Nia, please. If you kill him that blood will always be on your hands. You are a hero, heroes don't kill even if it's hard." Kara pleaded
"Sometimes to get things done you have to get your hands dirty."
Nia turned her back on Kara, slamming the door behind her. Kara pulled out her phone and dialed J'onn's cell. He picked up after one ring. "Nia stormed out of here with the intent to kill Angus. Please tell me you found something."
After my interesting morning with Lex, I got a call from Deirdre. She was worried about me and luckily due to Lex not giving the command more specifically I could tell Deirdre everything. We met up at a small restaurant on the poorer side of town, a place Lex would never be caught dead in. Deirdre ordered us salads, even though neither of us could actually eat it and then she wanted me to spill the beans.
I told her everything from Kara asking me to move in to being kidnapped to Lex making me kill Sara to having to lie to everyone and everything that happened this morning. Deirdre was silent for quite a while, taking in every word I said.
Then she spoke. "So, Lex drugs me and has my father kidnap you. Then he caused you to kill so he could have Brainy inject you with a liquid version of Lena's contacts. Now if he gives you a command you have to do it or you feel excruciating pain, so bad that it could kill you. Then if you try to kill him you'll die as well. Also Brainy works with them?"
I nodded. "Yeah, that's the gist of it."
"What if I killed him?" Deirdre asked. "What if I did the deed for you? Would this switch still go off?"
"Most likely." I said, running a hand through my hair. "So far he hasn't asked me to do anything drastic, just lying to everyone I care about. The only people I can truly talk to are you and Brainy, but I would rather turn him into a husk then hug him at the moment."
"Is there any way to remove the controlling liquid?" Deirdre asked
I shook my head. "As far as I know, no. If there is a way Lex is never going to tell me, but I did talk with Lena this morning and she seemed on the line. She might help me, but she also might just stay silent so Lex will continue to help her with Non Nocere. What makes this worse is when Kara finds out she is going to blame herself. I don't want her to know about my pain because I know it'll just make her worry more. I always cause her so much grief, I don't understand why she likes me."
Deirdre leaned forward, placing her hand on mine. "She likes you because you're a fighter. You fight this curse and try to make something good out of it. You could be what Lex says you are, but you aren't. You fight your darkness just as we all do. Besides, she loves you for you. Not the darkness in your soul."
"Does it get easier?" I asked, looking into her eyes. "Does the bloodlust get easier?"
"After a while, yes. Now that you are a full vamtronian it is easier to control, but since you are new it could be worse. It will take some time." Deirdre scrunched her face. "But eventually it will get better."
"I just want this nightmare to be over…" I said as my eyes wet with tears. "I moved in with Kara, but I can't tell her what's wrong or why I can't come too close. She already senses something weird and I don't know what to do. Hiding my new abilities is manageable, but my heartbeat I can't. As a half vamtronian my heart still beat, but now there is only silence. How the hell do I hide that?"
Deirdre moved back in her seat. She dug through her purse, pulling out a small device which she placed in my open palm. I took a closer inspection and saw a small button on the side, but I still had no idea what I was looking at. "What's this?"
She took the device back from me. "It's a heartbeat noise maker from a stuffed animal." She pressed the button and the device began to thump. "I turned the volume down while slowing it. As long as you keep it on you, she'll think you still have a heartbeat. It should work for the meantime, well, until we figure this out."
My eyes widened. "We?"
Deirdre rolled her eyes. "Yes, we. If you can only talk to Brainy and I then I am the only one who can help you. I can try my best to help you figure this out and remove Lex's control over you. Yet, reversing your transformation is impossible. I'm sorry."
"Don't be, it's not your fault. It's Lex and Brainy's." I said, anger rising within me. "I'm not surprised Lex would do something like this, but Brainy...he was my friend. I knew he was working with Lex to save the future and I kept his secret because if I was in his position I would do the same thing. But this was a different low. I would never have forced my friend to kill someone and then inject them with a controllant that causes them pain. I would have backed down, even if it meant the future would be lost. Brainy crossed a line and I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him."
My phone began to ring. I wedged it from my pocket and saw Alex on the caller I.D. I put it up to my ear. "What's up, Alex?"
"Nia turned off her comms. A man attacked her friend and Nia took it as her job to fix it. Kara already went to the scene, but she needs back up. Nia might kill him." Alex quickly said
I looked toward Deirdre and she slowly nodded. I turned my attention back to Alex. "Where are they?"
I thanked Deirdre for the device and left the restaurant. Alex sent me the coordinates and I switched into my suit, shoving the device in one of the pockets; yes the suit had pockets. I arrived just as Kara approached Nia.
Kara yelled Nia's name, causing her stop in her tracks. Nia had the man on his knees wrapped in some sort of energy whip. The man was still trapped in her beam of energy as she turned to look toward Kara. I came to stand beside Kara as she spoke. "Nia, I know what he did to your friend was awful and the things he says even more so, but killing him will not solve anything. He deserves to be punished by the law."
"He deserves to die." Nia said, gritting her teeth and looking back down at Angus. She squeezed the whip so tight he began gasping for air.
I decided I would give it a shot. I stepped forward so I was in Nia's line of sight. "Nia, listen to me. You do not want his blood on your hands. He deserves to suffer for what he did, but if you kill him that blood will stain your hands. Heroes don't kill, they save. He will pay for his crimes, but not like this. Nia, let him go."
She glanced toward me. "He doesn't deserve to live. He and his group have harassed, beat, and murdered trans women. I am the only one who can stop people like him. I am the only one who can protect this community, my community. Men like him don't deserve the luxury of living."
"Nia, you have me." Kara cried with conviction. "I don't understand your pain, but I protect my city. Your community is a part of this city and that means I am here to save them with you and Carly by my side. Angus did awful things and he will be punished, but death is not the answer. Don't become the thing you swore to protect the city from."
Those last few words struck a chord. She stood there staring at the gasping man when she decided we were right. Killing him wouldn't solve anything. Nia made the whip vanish just to suckerpunch him straight in the face, knocking him out cold.
She turned back to look at us. "They want us to be invisible...because of their own fears. They want to erase us...so we need to shine brighter."
Angus' head hit the ground as blood dripped from his nose. The second I saw the blood, I froze like a statue. Deirdre said controlling my bloodlust as a full vamtronian would be easier, but it felt so much worse at this moment. My eyes locked on and I watched as it cascaded down his face onto the cement. The smell hit me next, like cinnamon and vanilla. I wanted it; bad.
Kara noticed my stiff posture and followed where I was looking. She quickly appeared beside me and pulled me in for a hug, pushing my face into her shoulder. Nia noticed the sudden movement and figured out what was happening quite quickly.
Kara looked toward Nia. "I'm going to take her home. Can you take him back to the DEO please?"
Nia pushed her anger aside. "Yeah, of course."
Kara and Nia nodded toward one another as I let Kara fly me back to her apartment. I knew now that I was a full vamtronian I could fly on my own, but if I told her...all hell would break loose.
We arrived at the apartment and I separated myself from Kara. I can't control anything in my life. I can't control my bloodlust and now I can't even make decisions because if I do one wrong thing I could fully well die. I wanted to tell Kara so badly, but I couldn't.
Kara noticed my restlessness. "Carly, talk to me. I know something is up. You have been acting strange ever since yesterday when I came to help you move in. Did something happen? Are you regretting moving in here?"
I shook my head. "No, I don't regret moving in here. Being near you makes me happier than I am on my own."
"Then why do you look so miserable?" Kara asked with crossed arms.
I bit my lip and looked down at my feet. I was on the verge of tears and in that moment I decided to tell her. I opened my mouth to speak and pain shot through me. I collapsed onto one knee. Kara appeared next to me, scanning for injuries and finding none. The pain ceased and I tried to push Kara away. "I'm fine, Kara. I'm fine."
I stood up on my own and she looked angry. "Do not tell me your fine! No one collapses in pain like that if something wasn't wrong. Carly, what's wrong? I can't help you unless you tell me what's wrong."
"I'm fine, it's just…" I looked into those hopeful eyes, my heart breaking. I had to lie again and it was tearing me apart. "I've been restless the last few days. I haven't been sleeping, I'm jumpy, and I have this constant fear that I'm going to lose control and hurt someone. I try to stay strong for you, but it's getting to me. Yesterday before you arrived I...had a panic attack and tonight when I almost attacked Angus it got to me even more."
I wasn't completely lying. I did have a panic attack and me almost attacking Angus caused me to feel awful, but that wasn't the complete truth either. Kara luckily bought the half truth and brought me in for a tight hug.
She continued to hug me as she spoke. "You will not hurt anyone on my watch. You're a beautiful person Carly and I will remind you of that everyday. Next time you feel this type of fear, come to me. I will comfort you as long as it takes to bring a smile back to your face."
I began to cry, soaking Kara's super suit. She was so loving and sweet, which made lying to her so much harder. Lying about my pain was not something I should do, but sometimes it's better to lie than tell the truth. When she pulled back she swept a strand of hair from my face and gave me a peck on the lips.
She squeezed my hand. "Let's go to bed."
