Too much was running through Marshall's head as he slowly approached Ryder's bedroom door. How badly was Ryder going to explode? How were the other pups feeling? How badly did watching Ryder lose his temper affect Chase and Skye? Marshall's thoughts were only interrupted when he walked nose-first into Ryder's bedroom door. Breathing heavily to attempt to steel his nerves, Marshall finally bit the bullet and hopped through the door. For a second after he got his bearings, it looked like Ryder, who was currently sat on the edge of his bed, was looking at him for a brief moment. But a brief moment was all it was, since Ryder, in the blink of an eye, had his eyes firmly locked back on on the floor.
"U-Uhhh..." Marshall began falteringly. "R-Ryder…? I-I, er-"
Marshall found himself cut off as Ryder swiftly raised a hand, still without even looking at him. The silence from the boy was deafening. It felt like an eternity before Ryder finally began to speak, albeit oddly quietly.
"Let's just ignore for a second what a failure of an owner I am… How terrible a person I am… Why I don't deserve to even have pets..."
"Wh-?!" Marshall spluttered. "R-Ryder that's totally wro-"
"QUIET." Ryder's head snapped up to glare straight at Marshall.
His voice was unusually-harsh, and also booming and intimidating enough to silence the pup where he stood. And noticing the expression of fear on Marshall's face, Ryder swiftly looked back at the floor with an expression of pain.
"...please, just let me talk..."
"...I'm listening..." Marshall squeaked.
Ryder swallowed with the expression of someone swallowing a mouthful of glass before speaking again.
"I ran away for a reason, you know… You… probably know this, but I ran away because I'd totally failed you… As your owner, I'm supposed to protect you pups… To guide you… To take care of you… And I couldn't do any of that… For three days… I thought I'd let you die right in front of me..."
Ryder's voice was completely monotone, up until his last word, where it had noticeably started to crack. Marshall could only continue to listen on in terrified dread.
"So… I couldn't even look any of you pups in the face… Or even talk to you… A-All everyone did was… was remind me of the pup I couldn't save… th-the pup I had to watch fall to his death... R-Rocky and… S-Skye… I-I didn't want to yell at them… But they… they were hurting me more than they thought by trying to talk to me… You… You mean so much to them, Marshall… Like they all mean so much to you… B-But… I-I… I let you die out there… I'd… failed every single one of you… I… I'm totally unfit for… f-for taking care of any of you…"
Ryder had now begun to shake. Slightly, but visibly.
"I-I know th-that… E-Everybody would say the same things to me… Give me all the classic lines..."
"'Classic lines'?" Marshall parroted.
Ryder took a shaky breath in. He was obviously fighting to keep his composure.
"I know how you feel."
"Time heals all wounds."
"He's always in your heart."
"It's all just God's plan."
"It gets better."
"He was such a good guy."
"He'll never really die as long as you remember him.
Somehow, every word from the boy's mouth was progressively-coated with more and more venom. His hands had curled into fists, both of which were shaking violently from the sheer pressure of Ryder's grip.
"Wh-Why do you say that…?" Marshall squeaked, obviously scared of what the answer was going to be.
"B-Because… Because..."
Ryder was very clearly about to blow a fuse. Slowly, he raised his fists above his head.
"Because it's all the same fake… empty… INSINCERE… OVERPLAYED… CRAP PEOPLE THREW AT ME WHEN MY GRANDPA DIED!"
Ryder's voice quickly escalated into furious screaming as he violently brought his fists down on his thighs with enough force to leave bruises. Marshall gasped as the foul word left Ryder's lips. Not once had he ever used language like that with any of them. He only wondered where in the world Ryder could've picked it up from, astonished at just how upset Ryder could be that he'd resort to such harsh words.
"PEOPLE ALL SAY THE SAME THINGS! LIKE IT'LL JUST MAGICALLY MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER, OR, OR IT'LL UNDO ALL THE STUPID THINGS THAT LED TO YOU DYING IN THE FIRST PLACE!"
Ryder's head had snapped up to look directly at the dalmatian before him. It was like a car crash. Marshall was totally unable to look away from his owner's enraged glare. A horrible feeling festered in the pup's stomach. Somehow, the little voice in his head telling him that Ryder wasn't angry at him specifically did little to comfort him.
"WELL THAT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING! IT'S ALL JUST EMPTY WORDS! NOTHING WOULD CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU DIED AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE BECAUSE I FAILED YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED ME MOST! I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND I JUST HAVE TO SIT BY AND WATCH YOU FALL TO YOUR DEATH! LIVING THE REST OF MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU KNOWING I COULDN'T SAVE YOU!"
"B-But-!" Marshall stammered, somehow finding his voice again. "It really wasn't your fault! At all!"
"SEE?! YOU SOUND JUST LIKE THEM!" Ryder roared. His face was slowly turning a vivid shade of scarlet. "ALL THEY SAY IS THAT THEY'RE TRYING TO HELP! LIKE THAT MAKES EVERYTHING OK! THEY'RE NOT THE ONES WHO GOT A PUP THEY LOVE KILLED! THEY'RE NOT THE ONE WHO WATCHED ONE OF THE TOWN'S PROTECTORS FALL DOWN A GORGE BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T SAVE THEM! DO THEY HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT DOES TO SOMEONE?! YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THEIR WORDS DO?! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!"
"Wh-What are they supposed to say?! I mean, the Paw Patrol are considered heroes, don't you think they wouldn't know what to do with themselves if one of us died?! They'd be in a bad way, too!"
Marshall had too much adrenaline coursing through his veins to realise that what he said was only going to make things worse. Ryder slowly got off of the bed with his shoulders arched, his fists clenched and his arms stuck straight out to the side of him. Now Ryder's face had fully turned to a furious crimson, with tears of rage pooling in his brown eyes.
"...I… DON'T… WANT HEROES!" Ryder screamed. "I WANT MY PUPS! 'HERO' IS JUST A FANCY WORD FOR 'CORPSE'! I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT ADVENTURE BAY, BUT YOU PUPS ARE MY FAMILY! IF I LOST ONE OF YOU, I DON'T CARE HOW THEY'D FEEL!"
It really was remarkable just how much Ryder looked like a young child throwing a grief-fuelled tantrum. Now Ryder's tears were openly flowing down his face. Marshall couldn't help but feel intimidated by such an ugly sight. And by Ryder's unusually-barbed words. And yet, all the pup could do was listen on in fearful silence.
"AND YET, PEOPLE ARE WORRIED ABOUT ME! THEY WANT TO TALK TO ME! AND ALL I'M DOING IS PUSHING THEM AWAY! IF I'M A GOOD PERSON, WHY DO I KEEP RUNNING AWAY?! WHY DO I KEEP HURTING EVERYONE?! THAT'S ALL I'M GOOD FOR! I WANNA STOP HURTING PEOPLE! AND I WANNA STOP HURTING ALL OF YOU! BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW!"
Ryder sank to his knees, as if his outpouring of grief was too heavy for him to bear. Now he was looking less angry, and more despondent, with the tears now pouring from his eyes. Marshall felt his heart beginning to crack.
"I… I'M NOT A GOOD LEADER, I'M NOT A GOOD OWNER, I'N NOT EVEN A GOOD PERSON! I-I-I… I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY, I LET PUPS... D-D-DIE-! I-I… I… I-! I…! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
Ryder fell forward like a toppled statue, his hands hitting the floor with a thud as he collapsed onto all fours, wailing loudly as he flopped down and curled into a sobbing ball. Finally, words failed him completely and the boy broke down. Bawling like a helpless, vulnerable child. Ryder was the last person that would be known for crying, so to see him in such an ugly, tearful state was too much for Marshall to take, the pup's heart finally crumbling into bits.
"R-Ryder…?!" Marshall whimpered, with tears of his own beginning to flow. "C-C-C'mon… It-It's not true at all-!" Marshall walked up to the wailing child before him. "Y-You're totally… Totally a good person-!" Marshall wormed his way into Ryder's arms as best he could, putting his front paws around the boy's shoulders, quickly feeling Ryder practically hugging him hard enough for his bones to pop. "It-It's OK…! P-Please… Y-You're… G-Gonna be fine-!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! MAWSHALL, I'B PHO PHOWWY! I'B UH HOWWEBUH WEEBUH! I'B UH TEWWIBUH OHBU! I'B PHOU YUBHWUTH! I'B FUPH UH PHAIWUUH! AI SHUGGGUH PHE PHAIKIGH GHAWE OB YUU! I'B OWBWY GUUGH PHUGH GEBBIGH YUGH AWGH KHILLEB! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
In all the years that Marshall had known Ryder, not once had he ever gotten like this. He may have cried in the past, but not only was he now completely incoherent from being too worked up to even talk properly, but out of the corner of his eye, Marshall could see that rivers of snot and saliva were pouring from Ryder's nose and mouth. The horrifically-unpleasant sight was simply too much for Marshall to bear, and the dalmatian quickly broke down bawling along with him.
In fact, the duo were too caught up in crying like the distraught pair of children that they were to notice two more presences make their way through the dog door. First was Skye, who was followed by Chase. The two simply couldn't fight off their curiosity, and followed Marshall upstairs to hear what Ryder had to say. They had arrived just in time to hear Ryder begin yelling, and now that he was in hysterics, they couldn't keep themselves from looking properly. But this decision was one they both quickly came to regret. Both pups felt their hearts get brutally ripped in two the moment the sight became clear to them.
"G-Guys…?" Chase squeaked, tears very quickly flooding his eyes. "C-C'mon, there's… there's no need to… Y-You don't-! PLEASE-! G-GUYS, PLEASE DON'T CRY!"
Of course, Chase and Skye swiftly burst into tears simultaneously and charged forward, throwing themselves at their screaming owner and the dalmatian in his arms. The two were completely unprepared for the level of emotional meltdown that Ryder and Marshall had both reached. Seeing Marshall in tears was bad enough, but seeing the ever-stalwart and cheerful Ryder bawling his eyes out with a face coated in streams of tears, snot and saliva was far too much for either of them. They simply couldn't take it and fell to Marshall and Ryder's level very quickly. The cacophony of tearful wailing soon became deafening.
It was times like this that served as a reminder: for all of Ryder's maturity, coolheadedness and kindness, he was only a child of ten years. Ryder may have appeared calm and collected on the outside, but in the end, he was still only a child. A lonely, frightened, vulnerable and despondent child that some would argue had far too much on his shoulders. And any who bore witness to the current scene would only have further ammunition for their argument.
Ryder may have handled loss in the past when he lost his grandfather, his sole guardian, but seeing one of his beloved pups seemingly meeting their demise right in front of him was a degree of trauma that a child simply couldn't be expected to handle well. The pups were more to him than simple pets, and he handled losing one of them accordingly. In every tearful scream, in every hysterical wail was all of the pain, sadness and anger that Ryder had boiling away inside of him for the last few days. And it took what felt like forever for Ryder to even slow down slightly.
The pups, for their own part, hadn't stopped crying hysterically into their owner's torso. Ryder's pain was highly-contagious, and it only took Ryder slowly getting quieter and more worn-out for the pups to finally cease their own crying. Soon, they were left in a sniffling, whimpering pile around their owner, who was preoccupied with hiccuping tearfully and sniffling uncontrollably, taking huge, uneven gulps of air.
"R-R-Ryder…?" Marshall whimpered. "D-Do you… feel… b-better now?"
"N-N… No..." Ryder stammered in a weak, raspy voice. "I-I'll… n-n-never… feel… better..."
"B-Because… y-you w-won't let us help you..." Chase whined.
"R-Ryder…" Skye sobbed. "P-Please… s-stop blaming yourself… Th-This was… none of our faults..."
"H-How can I not?" Ryder sniffled. "I… don't know who's fault… a-any of all of this was… I-I'm not sure I even... care about that anymore, to be honest..." The boy's voice quickly deflated into one of abject defeat. "...b-but… I'm… I'm not cut out to… to take care of any of you… I can't save you when you're in danger… I can't stop hurting people… I can't bring myself to talk to anyone… I… I'm… I'm…"
Ryder lowered his head to the point of his chin touching his chest, squeezing his eyes shut as his final word left his mouth in a pained, barely-audible whisper.
"...useless…"
In another first, Ryder had never used that word to describe anything or anyone, much less himself. And for all three pups, hearing it felt was likely what it felt like being stabbed. But instead of driving them to further tears, somehow, it renewed their resolve altogether.
"That's because you won't let anyone close." Marshall whispered in surprisingly-gentle admonishment. "We all know what kind of pain you were in… how scared you were of your nightmares… and how much the last couple days have hurt you… especially that whole episode with the river... But you can't just keep hiding and expect everything to just blow over… We wanna help you just like you've always helped us."
"Buf if you won't let us, we can't." Chase continued in the same tone as Marshall. "I know that since Marshall came back, saying all this is way easier. But if you won't talk to anyone, if you won't let anyone get close to you, everything's only gonna get worse and worse. And don't even THINK about blaming yourself, you hear?"
"He's right." Skye went on. "All this time you've been blaming yourself. You've been pushing out everyone who only wants to see you get better. And look where it's gotten you. Ryder… please… let us take care of you like you've always taken care of us… We all love you more than anything. And we all wanna see you get better. You've just gotta let us in… And not just us... everyone..."
Ryder didn't reply. All he did was lie in a heap with his pups while his hiccuping slowed and his breathing slowly became more regular. Ryder's meltdown was so intense that he could barely talk, but the words of his pups had hit him hard. He probably would have shed a few more tears if he wasn't too drained to let out so much as a single further drop of liquid from his eyes. He knew that they were right, and that he had to resolve to not shut everyone out. No matter how cliched and insincere their condolences may have felt, everyone was indeed only trying to help. After all, everyone who was grieving was grieving along with him. Inwardly, Ryder cursed himself for not seeing that sooner.
"So..." Chase began quietly. "Were you, uh… just gonna be alone tonight?"
"No way." Ryder shot back raspily. "I… I don't wanna be alone anymore… Maybe we should all go to bed? I mean, you can all sleep with me? If, er… If you all want?"
"But… you can't go to sleep now, right?" Marshall asked softly. "You… You're way too worked up… There's gotta be a way for you to cool down."
"I-I dunno..." Ryder whispered sadly.
"Hey! Movie night!" Skye shouted with a tone of somewhat-forced gaiety. "That's always done us good at Christmas and stuff! And we've always done that for our birthdays or if we're feeling bad, right? I can't think of a better thing to do right now!"
Chase quickly perked up. "Hey! Great idea, Skye!"
"That's genius!" Marshall concurred. "But… does Ryder think so?"
All of the pups looked towards Ryder. Even though he wasn't crying anymore, he was still a total wreck. Tears streaked his face and his nose was scarlet from all of the snot that had come gushing from it. His eyes were a fine shade of red and he looked exhausted beyond measure. But after a few seconds, the impossible happened. No-one was expecting anything like it to happen, especially not after he'd cried more than any of them thought possible, but even so, it happened.
Ryder smiled.
"That… That sounds incredible, pups..." he whispered. "C-Can I… put my… pajamas on, first?"
"Yeah! I'll go get the TV!" Marshall cried happily.
"And we'll go get the others!" Chase added. "C'mon, Skye!"
Ryder watched as the pups excitedly ran out of the room. Slowly, his heart filled with happiness once again. Ryder knew that the pups had needed him all their lives. But he never knew how badly he needed them. He also knew that the pups would always be there for each other. But not once had he considered himself to be someone that the pups would immediately down tools to help out of an emotional pit.
"Shows what I know..." Ryder whispered to himself as he used his newfound energy to grab a tissue to blow his nose after picking himself up onto his feet, quickly locking the dog door, getting undressed, tossing his clothes into a pile in the corner and putting his pajamas on, moving back to open the main door for the pups.
And soon after Ryder had clambered into bed, propping up the pillows in preparation for the small TV that was about to be wheeled into his room, Chase, Skye and five other pups appeared at his door, alongside Jake and Carlos.
"Ryder?!" Rocky cried upon getting a good look at the red-eyed boy sitting in bed with a face streaked with tears, looking unbelievably vulnerable. "Wh-What happened?! A-A-Are you OK?!"
"Aww, Ryder, dude..." Jake whispered sympathetically.
"Oh my gosh..." Carlos whispered in horror. "D-Did we do this…?"
"R-Ryder..." Rubble stuttered. "Y-You... you look... l-look..."
"Th-This… This is way worse than I thought..." Zuma whined.
"Hijole..." Tracker lamented. "How could things... g-get this bad...?"
"Poor Ryder..." Everest whimpered.
Immediately, everyone made a swift beeline for the bedridden Ryder. Jake and Carlos removed their shoes and sat on the bed next to him, with one sitting on either side of him and quickly putting an arm each around him. The two were followed by their respective pups, who snuggled into their owners' torsos, but at the same time resting their heads against Ryder's sides. And the remaining members of the Paw Patrol scrambled towards Ryder, enveloping the boy with warm fur.
Ryder couldn't help himself. Working his arms free of the covers, he threw them around his pups and hugged them as tightly as he could. And with all of them pressing themselves against him, the message was clear to Ryder. Despite everything, his pups loved him as dearly as he loved them. For a few moments, Ryder had gotten lost in the love of his family until a cart could be heard being wheeled into the room. Opening his eyes, the boy saw the cart being pushed by a dalmatian, who looked up at the sight and smiled warmly.
It didn't take long for Marshall to plug the TV and DVD player in, before using the remote to turn the TV on, start the movie and jump into the pup pile before him, nuzzling as close to Ryder as he could manage, with the boy returning the favour as best he could.
Their attention was soon taken by the movie that had been left in the DVD player from the last time they had watched a movie. "Apollo Meets the Ultra Rescue Squadron". A big-budget crossover movie that Marshall, Chase and Ryder all positively adored. As praised as it was for its action scenes, the drama between the characters was a big sell, too. There was a little something for everyone in the movie, and the first 30 minutes proved it, utterly engrossing the entire group.
About an hour later, and very few people were left watching the movie. One by one, each pup fell into a deep, blissful slumber, with Jake and Carlos both being the first to nod off where they sat. Soon, the only one left actually watching the movie was Ryder, who had a fond, warm smile on his face, even as his eyelids drooped from fatigue. Somehow, the movie really had a way of speaking to him. To remind him to always have hope. To never give up.
He didn't stop to think about how he should have taken the movie's message earlier, however, as the Sandman was working his magic in a hurry. But even as his eyes slowly closed and Ryder slipped into Dreamland along with everyone else there, he was still able to hear one more dialogue exchange between Apollo and Ultra Rescue Chief Taurus.
"But… Chief Taurus… I can't… I can't rescue people like you can… I've got superpowers, but… I just can't use them… I'm no good compared to any of you..."
"Apollo… You mean more to people than you think. You're way better at what you do than you realise… Everyone here's counting on you… We all know you can do it... We're all rooting for you…"
"...really?"
"We're all right behind you… Hang in there."
