Authors Note - March, 22, 2020.

Hi Fanfic Familia.

How we feeling? I hope you all are having a productive weekend inspite of the craziness out in the world. In addition to writing out this story, I've also started spring cleaning and it's not sparking any joy given how much shit I've been hoarding. Your girl has a problem.

Thank you for your responses to the last chapter. Still a lot of Ana's past with her family to be unfolded and it will be, as said before, a slow and frustrating burn.

Two reviews in particular made me want to write this authors note, i've tagged them at the end of the note. I felt it was necessary because I can keep chalking it up to "it's just how the culture is" but truth is if you've never met anyone from the south Asian culture or have absolutely no point of reference to it... everything Ana is doing can feel extremely frustrating. That being said, even understanding the culture and all it's intricacies still doesn't make some of Ana's behavior towards Christian, right. It just shows us how human she is.

I've read and am still reading a lot of fanfics and majority of them talk about Christian's complexities. They only deal with his trauma and in a lot of cases, we applaud Ana for being incredibly supportive, almost expecting her to just roll with the punches of his mercurial personality and be completely accepting of his past. That's great, that wraps it all up in a nice bow. I'm just flipping it and adding a little more to it.

The South Asian culture comes from the sub-continent, comprised of mainly Pakistan, India, Kashmir and Bangladesh but we can also add Nepal and Sri Lanka in there I think. Basically if you consider yourself 'brown' and from that area of the world, chances are you subscribe to south Asian traditions.

A lot of the culture in India, Kashmir and Pakistan (which are the main identities in this story) is oppressively patriarchal. Women are accessories. Women are known for their associations to their family; xyz's daughter, xyz's wife, sister, granddaughter etc – your association to a male counterpart is your absolute identity. In India especially, at one point in history, if a hindu man died, his wife would be set on fire as well. In some instances, a widow is considered untouchable after the death of her husband and her diet is restricted to make sure she is not allowed to eat certain foods that can arouse her libido. In Pakistan, in smaller towns where there is no education and exposure and men are incharge and hold 'community trials and follow their own version of the judicial system' women are killed in the name of honor or gang raped for the smallest of infractions.

All talk of sex and trauma is swept under the rug to protect the family's honor and should you make the mistake to tell someone who doesn't end up believing you then it's game over. You can be disowned, thrown out of the house or worse, forced to marry your rapist. You can also be held accountable for your trauma because 'you were asking for it.'

Sex is a taboo subject. Older women do not give proper sex ed talks to their daughters. They are just told to 'submit' to their husband's wishes.

I know, this sounds incredibly medieval but it is still very much a reality in big industrial and seemingly educated families.

Enter Ana. Daughter of an ex-army/carpenter/high school teacher. He marries Nita who comes from a shit ton of money. She's lost her father, she has no one but Nita and her family and now she's indebted to her adopted family for everything they've done for her.

Ana is a walking conundrum. She is frustrating behind the scenes. Her dedication to preserving the family dynamic is... it fucking hurts to write but my version of Ana is the amalgamation of so many women who have suffered different forms of abuse from toxic men in my family, myself included. South Asian women are experts at compartmentalizing. We could earn PhD's in the field. We will dress up, put on a smile and be on our best behaviors all to preserve the peace and not create a scene. Why? Because we've accepted our lives are not just our own but connected to others. Family above everything at the expense of our own sanity. Is it right? No. But it's the reality and it's the reality of so many women in not just the south Asian culture but the arab culture also.

Again, this is a cultural issue NOT a religious issue. Unfortunately, in the South Asian culture due to the influence of men, religion will be used to enforce cultural norms. It is wrong but it's a thought process that will take years of education, exposure and patience to unlearn.

The only difference between Ana and the women in my family is that she was able to get out. She was able to go to Portland and find a friend in Kate but she was still anchored to the family for fear of not belonging. She wasn't strong enough to completely cut ties. There is still so much that will be revealed in the future chapters. Still through a series of small, minor rebellions she was at least able to find a semblance of how she was before the accident. I won't even get into the financial situation right now.

If you haven't noticed already, Ana clings to the idea of being a good girl. That if she is a good girl and doesn't ruffle feathers and proves she is worthy that she will be spared and she will be safe. That is her M.O. That is the thought process of many south Asian women. That as long as I'm good, I'll be safe and I'll get my reward in the end. Is it right? Does it make sense? Maybe, maybe not. But her intentions otherwise are not malicious. She genuinely cares about the people around her and is an empath as we've seen... She does it as a means to distract herself from her own issues and deflect. That is where she is wrong. She does all this to her own detriment and all she has done is suppress her own issues.

In regards to Christian, aside from his childhood trauma and his inappropriate relationship with Elena, which he has slowly realized was wrong, he has created a life and world for himself where is a king. People grovel at his feet and whatever he says... goes. Except, Ana. She has made him question himself.

Similarly, Ana's current situation with Christian is really forcing her to face the fact that she hasn't really healed at all and that is fucking confusing and lonely.

Fear and love are powerful and toxic motivators. A long island iced tea full of clusterfucks. And as we can see, Ana has lived in fear for the past 7 years. Fear of not being able to control her own body and then emotional fear due to what Vishaal did and how the entire family paid her medical bills.

So yeah, in this story, layer by layer, we will see Ana analyze EVERYTHING about her relationship with her family and life in general. Everything so far has just been the tip of the ice-berg. And Christian will be a tremendous help. They will talk to each other and she will slowly open up. Will it still be frustrating, yes and they both will fight and hurt each other but as I have promised so many times before, there will be a happy ending.

LeLev: Thank you so much for your review and for sticking with this story. I love it when people leave comprehensive reviews and share their thoughts. I wanted to clear up a few things you mentioned.

Ana needs therapy. No one is going to deny that. She need a lot of it and she needs to also... let go. She is always trying to control herself and things around her. She's exhausted and... yeah... all her usual coping mechanisms are failing because this is a completely new world for her. Same for Christian.

Yes Ana is bashing Christian, in some cases it's warranted and in some it is not. If you remember in the previous chapters she mentioned that she knew that their paths would cross and that she would be civil and respectful but that couldn't hang out with him alone. Yet we've seen him time and time again find excuses to see her and spend some time with her. Yes that has a lot to do with the idea of rejection but it doesn't make it right same as Ana holding the BDSM thing against him isn't right but this is the situation we are in.

Ana's actions didn't tell Christian's family her reaction was a catalyst to them finding out. Again, Christian chose to tell them. They heard Christian's truth from him. The only downside was that it took Ana's reaction for that to happen. Ana is still equating her rape to Christian's lifestyle but at least she met with the Domme and has gotten little bit of an understanding. The main thing here is that she was assaulted by someone who she loved and thought was her brother and he turned out to be someone completely different. With Christian, because of her lack of understanding of what she saw in the playroom, her brain sees this as a repeat of how she loved someone and they turned out to be something completely different. It's a matter of rational thought versus emotional though born out of fear.

In regards to the family, yes she threatened him. Was it right? We'll find out the reasons for why she said all that in future chapters, namely in the chapter that will talk about February 12th, 2020.

In regards to the working lunch with Ros. During therapy Ana asked him to stay away. Now, Christian had enough time to warn Ana that he would be at the lunch but he chose not to. Also, Christian did not tell Ros about Ana's family nor does she hold him accountable. That glare was more for like... 'are you for real?'. Ros did not know about Ana's connection to her family, the familial connection was something Ana revealed voluntarily when Ros asked Ana how she landed a job with AHAK. Earlier in the day, we see Christian's inner dialogue say that he deliberately didn't give Ana's name in when Ros called HR to get someone who could speak Hindi.

Similarly, the night before NYE, Ana told Christian how she regretted listing AHAK as a job reference on her resume when she was desperate to get a job and that MAYBE the background check would've brought that to light but there was still doubt that anyone knew of her association with the family.

So yes, Ros didn't realize Ana's connection to AHAK until she revealed it herself that Abdul Karim was her grandfather and then we find out her family's net worth. Which begs the question... how do you go against two families with more money than god? How can Ana with no financial resources accuse the son of a billionaire of rape? She has no proof. Again, I'm just trying to highlight how complex everything else is. Again, the chapter with February 12th, 2020 day will explain all of this.

What would Christian have done in a similar situation if he had been accused of something like that? Even if it was not true, you best believe Christian would bury everyone associated in the ground... figuratively of course.

As far as his social status is concerned, from the beginning Ana has wanted to keep this private and control the narrative. She is extremely private which is why she hasn't told her friends at work about her trauma either. She knows she'll have to make them sign an NDA. This was mentioned in NYE chapter. We know how the press is, as soon as they find out that Ana is a legal assistant who sleeps with the boss... well, put two and two together. They will dig into her past and she doesn't want that because people will look at her with pity.

Also, her grandfather was an extremely private man, she's also thinking about the consequences of that. Again, it's complicated.

Ana does love Christian, she's just scared. She's acting out and it's not right. She's alone in this but she is trying to inch her way back the best she can.

Luvdisney2007: HAHAHA, I know, I'm so gross but I'm glad it made you laugh. I hope what I wrote above answers some questions.

Again, this wasn't to make everything seem alright, but just to highlight the incredible complexities of us as human beings and the relationships we have. It's almost as if, Ana is taking out all her frustration and anger she has against her family... out on Christian because...he's not family. It's not right but it's how she's reacting.

Does this make any sense? It's not meant to make you like Ana anymore or less. It's just to give a sense of understanding of where she's coming from and not just through the lens of her trauma but the culture as well. The South Asian culture as result of the patriarchy is extremely submissive for women.

Almost every chapter has a small nugget that alludes to future chapters and revelations. I will be linking them back every now and then.

I promise that Ana being with Christian will give her a lot of strength. She'll do things she never could see herself doing before. OUR GIRL OF STEELE IS GONNA FIND HER WAY BACK Y'ALL!

HANG TIGHT AND WASH THOSE HANDS. I LOVE YOU

Mommapurvis: WELCOME to my little frustrating world of fanfiction. haha, thank you for joining us.

Misssee: THANK YOU! My mind is also isolating itself in their world and writing out their story.

Smills: I see you're slowly making your way through the chapters. Thank you for leaving reviews!

AnaSofia: SUP BOO! I'm so glad you love Ros and Jose as much as I do.

Carol222: Your summaries are the best. Thank you!

Gowildcats: YAY, another Team Ros member. She's going to feature quite a bit for the next few chapters.

Amysbusybug: GIRL. get well soon, sending you all the good vibes from south jersey! i'm glad my little story could keep you company. Much love.

LornaC: Your reviews always make my day. I'm so glad I can bring a little happiness to yours.

To everyone else, you know I LOVE YOU. Tell me what you're up to. MY DM'S ARE OPEN.