Chapter Twenty-Six
December 2004 (again)
Jasper leaned against the handlebars of the bike, hoping to find more aerodynamics that way, hoping that maybe he could go faster and find out the truth. He could hear the words, the sentences tormenting him;
"Bella! Please, please tell me you didn't go through with it without telling me. I mean, I know you want to keep our relationship a secret, but…"
Secret? Jasper thought. I wasn't even given a choice. Alice left me before we even had a chance to talk…
"Me? You thought we were going for me?"
I can't believe Alice would do that to me. Yes, it's her body, but a kid! I at least had the right…
No you don't, Jasper, his inner voice went on. You aren't worthy of anything or anyone.
But I had the right to know!
He thought back to that night, the night everything in his mind shifted. He had taken Alice in and loved her, really loved her. And when he woke up the next morning, all he could visualize was how he had been left once more, just like Miya always left him. He had wondered if he was falling for Alice, but just like Miya, she had proven that she couldn't or wouldn't, stay by his side.
He remembered everything about that night. It had started out as just dinner with Em and Rose, a little mini-vacation while on tour. Emmett and Rosalie had decided to go back to their hotel room early, (not that Jasper blamed them) and left him to his own devices.
Jasper left to his own devices meant he found a dealer and picked up some premium cocaine. He found two skanks that seemed to surface out of thin air and he took them back to his own room reserved under a fake name.
He hadn't been interested in a hook-up. It wasn't the sex that did it for him anymore, it was the drugs. He hadn't been with a woman in over six months, and that was okay with him. He had his music and his drugs and his booze. That was all he really wanted.
He sang the 'ladies' a song and snorted coke into the early hours of the morning. And when they had left…Alice had been there.
He had been just starting to come down off the high – stoned enough to do something stupid, sober enough to love her right. But when he woke up the next morning…
He let out a growl as the pain crushed him. Left, he had been left, just like he had been his whole life. He oftentimes wondered if he had told Miya what had happened to him, what his mother had done, would she have stayed. Or were they really just not good for each other?
His heart hurt and the pain intensified as his brain switched over to Alice again. He hadn't worn a condom, he knew that, and had berated himself for it anyway. He was always an advocate for safe sex. Hell, he was an advocate for safe drug use too. He never used anyone else's needles, always getting his hands on new ones, and even then, didn't re-use them when he was shooting up. He took himself down to the doctor every six months and had AIDS testing, just because he didn't want to hurt anyone…anyone besides himself, that is, and above all else, kept it on the down-low so as not to hurt Emmett. He sighed as anger overflowed once more, at himself, at Alice, at this situation he now found himself in, and drove like a demon as he headed toward James' townhome.
James had places in Nashville, California, and Florida, and he had also just purchased a ski cottage in Aspen, Colorado because of his avid love of winter sports. He was doing quite well in the real estate market, having invested wisely. Jasper knew this because he kept tabs on Alice and James. Not that he would admit it, of course, but he wanted to know where Alice was. It was as if she was a homing device. He couldn't understand why he needed to know; only that he did.
And this latest betrayal hurt him, cut him to the quick. That Alice would do this without his consent…it was almost more than he could bear.
Alice sniffled as she let herself into James' house. If this pregnancy scare had taught her anything, it was that she couldn't continue stringing James along. She needed to come clean, tell him she cheated, and then end it. She knew what she wanted now; she wanted to be with Jasper, no matter what. She needed him like the air she breathed. Even if he was still messed up, it didn't matter, she was willing to help him, even if it was just as a friend. She would find her way into his heart somehow.
She heard a sound at the open door and turned. "Oh, good, Jamey, I'm glad that you…" she gasped as she saw Jasper standing in the doorway.
"We need to talk," he said darkly.
Her mouth opened and closed like a goldfish as she continued to stare at him. "J-Jasper…"
He walked over to her and grabbed her arm, hard, wrenching her closer to him. "Tell me."
"T-tell you what?" she asked, her voice trembling.
"Tell me where you were today."
"I-I…uh…"
"Did you do it? Did you really go through with it?"
"Jasper…"
"Shut up. Shut the fuck up, Alice." He shoved her away from him and she caught herself on the entry table.
He turned back around and ran his fingers through his hair, grabbing it and yanking on a fistful. "How could you? How could you, Ali? What the fuck? Am I that horrible? Am I so horrible that you couldn't even have a kid with me? God!"
"Jasper, no! That's not…"
He turned and grabbed her by the throat, shoving her into the wall. "I am not a good person, Alice. I know that. But damn it, I could be! And you don't even give me a chance. How could you kill our baby?"
"Alice?"
Alice gasped again as Jasper took one step away from her, his shaking hand falling to his side. "James," she said softly.
James walked over to them. "Is it true?"
"No," she said softly.
Jasper slammed his hand against the wall right at her head. "Tell the truth!"
"I wasn't pregnant," she whispered. "I m-missed my period, but I wasn't p-pregnant. The doctor told me this m-morning."
"Alice?" James asked. "Why are you telling Jasper this?"
"B-because, I…we…"
"Alice came to my hotel room a few months ago," Jasper said coldly.
Her eyes closed automatically, as if bracing for a blow. "Jazzy…don't…" she whispered.
"No, Alice. Your fiancé deserves to know the truth since you seem incapable of telling it!" He turned to James and said, "She came from your house, from your bed and fucked me. Fucking fucked me and left me in the morning just like she always does. Hell, maybe that's my fault."
He ran his hand through his hair again. "Maybe I shouldn't have fucked you the first time, Alice. Maybe I broke something in you, I don't know. If I did, then, for that, I'm sorry. But, you're fucked up, babe. I mean, coming from me, that's saying something, because I am all kinds of fucked up. But you? You take the cake, baby."
She slapped his face. "Fuck you, Jasper Monroe Whitlock. I was coming here tonight to tell James that I was leaving him, that yes, I cheated, but I realized I couldn't love him enough. I was coming to tell him goodbye so I could move on to you, that I love you. But…you don't know what you want, do you? You're willing to just air our dirty laundry and do and say things just to hurt me. What kind of monster are you?"
"What kind of monster are you, Alice?" James asked softly. "I loved you, I trusted you. I knew that you didn't love me enough, knew that you had feelings for Jasper, but I thought in time-" his voice caught and he sniffed back a tear. "I should have known better, I just thought…" He sighed. "I loved you and you betrayed me."
"Jamey, I'm sorry, I-"
"Save it," he snapped. "Just don't, Alice. Don't do this. Don't even try to come up with an excuse. I can't really even blame you. I shouldn't have been surprised."
She looked from Jasper to James and with a loud sob, ran out the door.
"Run away!" Jasper shouted, running toward the door. "Run just like you always do!"
Alice jumped in the car she kept at James' and sped off down the street. Jasper watched her go, his heart breaking and wishing he could take back half the things he said. He walked slowly back to his bike and sat astride it. He ignored James, who was silently crying from the doorway, and without so much as a look back, kick-started the bike and drove away.
Alice drove. That was all she did. She saw the exit for I-40 and jumped on it, heading east. She knew what she needed…she needed the ocean. So she drove, stopping only for gas.
She took I-40 all the way to Wilmington, North Carolina, and then took Highway 17 to a small town she had once vacationed in near the North Carolina/South Carolina line. She ran into a Walgreens and picked up some toiletries and a tourist tee-shirt since she didn't bring anything from home, and then proceeded to get a room right on the beach.
She went into her room, not nearly as nice as she had stayed before, and fell exhausted onto the bed. She sighed and closed her eyes. She had run away. She didn't used to run away, but now that had seemed to become the norm for her. "I'm pathetic," she whispered to herself as the tears fell.
She wasn't aware of time or space as she sobbed her heart out. It was when light began bathing the room that she stood. The sun was rising, a new day had come. She walked in a daze to the balcony and watched until the sun broke the horizon. She sat on the chair there, still in a daze as the sun continued to rise.
Hours later, a flurry of activity caught her eye. It was cold, being that it was a Saturday in December, but the North Carolina sun was semi-warm upon her face. She watched, transfixed as chairs were sat out and a small altar area was erected. There were tears in her eyes as the guests arrived and the wedding took place before her eyes. "It's not fair," she said softly. "It's not fair!" she screamed with clenched fists.
She stood, knocking her chair to the floor of the balcony in her haste to retreat to her room. She fell back upon the bed, sobbing afresh. She must have fallen asleep or either passed out from exhaustion, because when she awoke again, it was dark outside.
That was when she checked her messages. She had six, all from Bella, who was worried about her since Jasper had come back home so many hours earlier. She told Alice that he had come in and hadn't spoken to anyone, not even Emmett. She wanted to know what was going on and to call her because she was worried about them both. Alice took a stuttering breath and tossed her phone aside.
It was late once more, but she wasn't tired. She hadn't eaten in over twenty-four hours, but she wasn't hungry. She wasn't much of anything but miserable, horribly miserable. It seemed as though all she did was hurt people. "Maybe they'd be better off if I didn't even…" she said aloud.
With a growl, she stood up and strode over to the balcony once more. She looked out into the night and sighed. She was nothing. She meant nothing to anyone. She wasn't special, she wasn't loved, the only person who gave a shit about her was Bella, and even Bella had things and people other than Alice. Alice was painfully aware of how alone she was and that was when she decided to end it.
"Fuck this," she said boldly as she stomped back into the room. She rummaged through the bag of things she had gotten from Walgreens and emerged with a disposable razor. She looked at it, her mind running through her options. This was…she shouldn't…she took the razor into the bathroom and stomped it hard a few times with the heel of her shoe until all the plastic had broken away from the blade.
She picked up the blade, immediately cutting herself. She watched the blood bead up on her fingertips; crimson against the pale white of her skin. It fascinated her as she grasped the blade and sliced it against the skin of her hand. Again, another line of red appeared. This one was a bit deeper, a bit longer, and it took no time at all for the blood to drip onto the floor. She watched the drip, drip, drip as it fell to the white tile.
Her eyes grew wider as she took the blade and made another slice, this time on her wrist. Once more it beaded up before it started running down her arm and dripping onto the floor. She repeated the gesture on her other wrist and waited a moment. It took a surprisingly short amount of time for the bleeding to stop, however, and she looked at her wrists in exasperation.
She tried slicing again, deeper, clenching her teeth, grinding them against the pain. Again, the bleeding slowed and began to clot over.
"No, no! Don't do this!" she screamed. She stood, feeling a bit dizzy as she did, and chucked the blade across the room. She looked around the small space, noticing the rather large amount of blood on the floor. Apparently she had bled out more than she thought, but it still wasn't enough.
She walked blindly back toward the balcony. She looked over the edge. She wasn't very far from the ground, she was only on the second floor, but, it should do the trick, she thought to herself, as long as I hit the concrete by the swimming pool.
She picked up the chair that had fallen over earlier in the day, or the day before, or whenever it was she had knocked it over and she pushed it right against the railing. She stood in the chair and looked out into the night once more. She could smell the salt in the air, could hear the waves hitting the shore, and for the first time in months, she felt peace. She knew what she needed to do and without any more thought, she jumped.
