12
Scotch Thoughts
One Bear Dances, One Bear Doesn't
He wasn't terribly late coming back to his apartment tonight, and that was a good thing. Last night's all-nighter had been enough for him. Especially because it had been a nerve wracking one. But every confusing bit of the last couple of days had been resolved now, and Lee was good and ready to kick back and relax! He carelessly tossed a couple of ice cubes into a tumbler and poured himself a nice glass of his favorite scotch. The only thing that would have been better than this glass of scotch would have been a dinner date with Amanda, but he hadn't gotten that far along with her yet. Plus she needed to be home with her mother tonight. What a time Amanda must be having with her!
Mrs. West must be a handful for her tonight. He wondered if Amanda was having a difficult time biting her tongue and not divulging any information about the Agency and the case to her. Her mother was probably going on and on about what they had just been through at that "debriefing center". Amanda had gotten very skilled at sticking to a cover, he was sure she would be able to hold her own, even with Dotty West. Just imagining the scene at 4247 Maplewood Ave tonight made him laugh out loud. It seemed as if nothing would diminish his good mood tonight. Actually, it was the first time in weeks that he had felt this light, happy and hopeful about life. And a bit of it he had to thank Dotty West for.
He had been unsettled over the past week or so, ever since Joe King had re-entered Amanda's life. And it didn't look as if he was going to make an exit any time soon. The man had just waltzed back into their lives and appeared as if he was going to make a permanent stance there. He had rented an apartment nearby and had accepted a stateside position with the EAO here in Washington. Granted, it was probably beneficial to the humanitarian aid work that he had been doing; after all of the corruption that his case had uncovered in the organization, it probably was a good thing that Joe was heading up the rebuilding of the programs in all those unstable African countries. But Lee couldn't help wonder why the man had to stay so goddamn near his ex-wife and kids. Ah, hell. It was a good thing for the boys that he did. But the jury was still out on whether or not it was good for Amanda (or himself) - at least until yesterday in the car during the stake out with Amanda in Rock Creek Park.
He knew that Amanda was concerned about listening in on her mother's conversations with Andrei Zernoff. He had really only hoped to hear something that would help him to identify the leak in the defector's program. He wasn't expecting anything Dotty would say to be of personal interest to him. He couldn't imagine what she would have to say to Dr. Zernoff except mindless chatter. He probably should have guessed, however, that her favorite topic would have been Amanda and the boys, and even though he hadn't expected to actually have a front row seat for the enlightening conversation about Amanda's personal life, he had gained insight that he had only prayed for in his own private thoughts.
Ever since that evening at Dooley's when he had seen Amanda and Joe dancing together, he had wondered where Amanda was in her thoughts and feelings about the future in terms of Joe, in terms of himself, in terms of relationships in general. Even though he had decided then that he wasn't going to let Amanda go back to Joe without letting her know how much he cared for her, the insecurities he had about the unknown status of her relationship with Joe had made it difficult for him to figure out how to relate to her except in the context of their work partnership. When he had put on those headphones and heard Dotty talking about Amanda's marital status, his insides had gone into a panic mode. It had been pure instinct to play it cool and tease Amanda; he only hoped that Dotty wouldn't say anything about Joe that would hurt him and that he wouldn't be able to hide a reaction to.
Hearing about Amanda being engaged to Dean was not something he had expected. It looked like Amanda wasn't thrilled about it either. So much had changed since he had met her, and he had almost completely forgotten about that faceless man whose name had begun with "D".He couldn't help feeling a bit smug about Amanda's discomfort though. It was obvious to him that she wasn't happy about Lee knowing that she had called it off because something had changed with her due to her new job, but the revelation sure did give him a heady feeling. But the best part was that Dotty had made no mention of Joe at all! And she thought that there was someone at work! Better and better! If Joe was a player at all in Amanda's thoughts, he was sure that Dotty would have mentioned him. But no, the newly reentered ex got no mention, only a mysterious someone at work. And by Amanda's embarrassed response he was sure he didn't have to guess that it was anybody else but himself. He had gotten the green light he had been looking for!
But he hadn't had a good opportunity to act on it. From that moment on everything about this simple surveillance case had gone haywire, and everything that he had trusted about himself and the way he had always done his job had been thrown into the mix. Over the last few years, he realized, he had been learning how to do his job while really caring personally about his partner. From the first moments that they had been thrown together, he carried a personal responsibility for Amanda. Partly because he had dragged her into the spy business, but also because there were innocents attached to her. Now he had added falling in love with Amanda to the cocktail of emotions that went with working with her. And he was quickly learning that there was even more of a twist to that when her children and now even her mother got involved in a case.
It had seemed like such an easy thing to slip the bug into Mrs. West's purse and use her eager interest in Dr. Zernoff to get the information they had needed. He could still hear himself blindly assuring Amanda that no harm would come to her. He had known it was going to be a difficult thing for Amanda to do, and he had been so proud of her when she had agreed and in front of Francine too. He was always pleased when Francine got a chance to see Amanda's growing professionalism. But he had not thought through how it would affect him if anything happened to Mrs. West.
When Philip and Jamie had been put in jeopardy by that snake Prescott, he had been able to be the hero. It had been their own father's work that had put them in danger, Lee and the Agency had saved them. But this time it was his plan that had exposed Amanda's mother to harm. Well, maybe not totally. Mrs. West was a lot like her daughter, she sure knew how to get what she wanted, and she certainly had inserted herself into Andrei Zernoff's life. All Lee knew was that somehow the situation had quickly spiraled out of control, and not only did he have to find Amanda's mother as well as Zernoff, but he was also very worried about how Amanda was taking the whole situation. The personal responsibility that he felt added to his worry for all of them and it had made it very difficult for him. Never before had he been so concerned with the wellbeing of so many people connected so closely to his heart.
Amanda had impressed him though. Well, she had been doing a lot of that lately. He could tell how concerned she was about her mother, but he could also see how hard she was working at keeping her professional self in control. Not once did she say that she was scared, not once did she blame him or the Agency. She had stayed focused on the details of the case, she had kept her mind rational and for the most part, she had kept to the protocol she had learned. He really couldn't blame her for going ahead alone to the warehouse where they were holding her mother and Dr. Zernoff. If he had gotten the message sooner he would have backed her up. He could understand why she had gone ahead, but as her superior he still needed to bring it up today. Letting her know that he was often scared for her was a new admission for him, but he had wanted her to know that he cared for her and that he was proud of how she was growing in her skills as an intelligence operative. He had enjoyed watching the smile bloom on her face as she realized what he had said.
He, on the other hand, had almost completely lost his cool at some points during the search for Mrs. West. Not with Amanda, as he might have a year or two ago. No, he had tried to take out some unrelated cop. This caring business had almost caused him to lose his edge. He suspected that Billy had noticed it too. He could tell that he was holding back on his reprimand in his office last night. And if his boss hadn't been tipped off then, he must have been this morning when Lee had made that brilliant comment to that stupid Agency phone operator about Amanda being a clearance code all her own! Well, if someone higher up would just give her the clearance she deserved, none of that would have happened. And, yet, he knew perfectly well that Billy had seen through his curt response and could tell how much Amanda meant to him. He wondered if Francine could tell as well.
It hadn't been hard to notice that she had been strangely territorial during their surveillance of Zernoff. Ordering take out from The Blue Fox during a stakeout? Amanda was right, it would have been extremely suspicious to the neighbors. He had heard enough about Edna Gilstrap and the other suburban gossipers during his last stay in Amanda's neighborhood. They never would have let that one slide. Ha! He would have liked to have seen Francine try to "whip something up" with those groceries Amanda had brought. Actually he would have liked to have had a chance to "whip something up" with Amanda some time. He was realizing how much Amanda was the perfect partner for him. They made a great team.
Working with Francine the other day had highlighted that for him. He and Francine used to have a friendly competition; they respected each other's skills, but they never could have blended them like he and Amanda did. Francine wasn't a team player. He had known that way back, even when he and Francine had had their little fling. He had always contributed their dalliance to the fact that he was just a lifelong bachelor and he would never settle down, so it was good enough to have some fun and then never let it get too serious. Maybe that was true then. But now he had met a woman who was making him rethink that. He had really begun to enjoy the teamwork that he and Amanda had discovered, and he wanted more of it in every area of his life. He could even sense the change in himself as the three of them stood in their surveillance set up and discussed the content of a brown paper bag full of groceries. Even his ideas of food had been influenced. He laughed to himself again as he took a sip of the cold scotch.
And while he was contemplating ways that he was changing, there was no way he could ignore how he was becoming so aware of family connections and how important they were – even for himself. In the past he had told himself that he was better off being alone in the world. It had been painfully clear to him during all of his school days that he was the only Stetson he had ever known. Even his uncle had a different name. It had caused him to grow up believing that he really was alone in the world, rootless. But he wasn't. Watching Amanda's concern for her mother, and even her smile of pleasure earlier today when Dr. Zernoff had told Dotty how special she was, had made him long to somehow reconnect with his parents. They were gone of course, but there must be something of them in him or available for him to connect with. He had blocked it all out for so long. He had a picture of them somewhere; maybe he could just get it out from its hiding place? That connection that children have with their mothers was so foreign to him and yet it was foundational. He'd had it at one time and he wondered if its' influence was still with him. It was where loving another, being connected to another, caring for another began. You were happy when they were happy. And watching Amanda care for her mother had made her even more beautiful to him. Yes, Dotty West was a special woman. She was brave and caring and vivacious, open to new experiences and people. How much more special was her daughter? Seeing Dotty West rise to the occasion over these last two days had given him an appreciation of what Amanda had accomplished, how amazing she had become over these last two and a half years. He wanted to continue to discover just how amazing she was. But he had to start somewhere and so he had decided right then and there it was the time.
Oh, he had always taken pride that he was so suave, knowing the perfect line for each situation. Gah! He could cringe just thinking about his goofy line the first time he had asked Amanda out on that "date" to the Verdi Festival. "Hey toots"… ha! He really had changed! Tonight he was flying high because he had kissed Amanda on the cheek and told her that she was "very special". So suave, Stetson! Wasn't that what he had said to Leslie about Amanda months ago? That she was very special. And it had taken him this long to finally tell her himself. He still wasn't sure that she really understood what he had been trying to convey, but that was ok, it was a start. He still had a lot of adjustments to make and he didn't want to misstep; this caring business had a whole lot of new twists and turns that he needed to navigate. But he was pretty happy with his first step today. Draining the glass of scotch, he closed his eyes and remembered that brief moment outside Mrs. West's debriefing room. He could still smell the scent of Amanda and the softness of her cheek. Yes. He had made a good start.
