Thank you for your reponses to the author's note in chapter 26. Much love. A few shout outs!
LL: Thank you for our review. I will definitely do an authors note when south asian traditions come into play or explain them in CPOV during the chapter. Thank you for following along. It means a lot.
Jess: I am rooting for you. Send you all the good vibes from New Jersey. I can't even imagine how scary the wait is. Till then, I hope this chapter keeps your spirits up a bit.
Jennifer: Thank you, love!
LornaC: YOU ARE WELCOME and Scotland sounds like a dream. The self-isolation vibes are ughhh but it's helping me post regularly so yaaay.
Desini: I can only imagine. I have some friends who really don't get some of the traditions I do or the cultural norms we have in regards to familial obligations.
JT: I feel your anger and I promise, Vishaal will get what's coming to him. But this is Ana's fight.
Chapter 27 – The sweetest sadness in your eyes.
Monday, January 27th, 2020.
APOV
I return to 18th and quickly dash into the ladies room to fix my face and calm myself from the intense moment I had with Christian upstairs. . I get a text from Sawyer as I walk back to my desk.
LS: Heard I'm back on narc duty starting this evening.
AS: Haha! That was fast. Admit it, you've missed our girl talk.
LS: I admit nothing. When do you want to leave this evening?
AS: I have to go to Elliot's for dinner tonight. He asked me to come by around 7:30pm. I get done with work at 6, want to grab a coffee with me and we can catch up?
LS: Sounds like plan.
...
I meet Sawyer out front a little after 6. We head out and pick a coffee shop a few blocks away from Elliot's condo.
We grab our drinks and find a table by the window and settle into our conversation, catching up and making jokes.
"So, tell me the good stuff. Been out on any dates recently?" I wiggle my eyebrows.
"You're worse than Jose."
"I could be worse but I'm choosing to ask... politely." I laugh.
"I went out on two dates and they were tragic, just a bunch of bimbos. I need a guy who isn't... I don't know, all up in my face?"
I roll my eyes. "God, you remind me of someone I know." We both laugh and my mind wanders to Christian. My broody CEO... who I don't deserve.
Sawyer and I talk a bit more about the pitfalls of dating even though I have zero experience, I can make jokes at his expense and lighten the mood a little.
"Sawyer, I have a favor to ask and you can totally say no."
"Oh God, don't get me fired. I can't handle Grey losing his shit. We've all been walking on eggshells since..."
I look down and nod. "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry you guys have dealt with the brunt of all that."
"Shut up Steele, that's not what I meant. I mean, it hit him hard and it's affected him."
"Were you there when... everything happened at Escala?"
He looks out the window and closes his eyes and nods. "I wasn't in the room but I heard you I ran to the great room just as you started to have a seizure, then Taylor and Gail joined me shortly after."
I close my eyes. Fuck.
"I'm sorry you had to see that." I say with a heavy voice.
"I'm sorry you went through that but are you feeling better now?"
"I'm trying Sawyer. I have a lot of shit to work through and I have a lot of fear that I've been holding on to which brings me to my request."
"Shoot, Steele."
"Can you teach me self-defense? Like a refresher and then help me advance a bit from what I already know."
His eyebrows shoot up. "Are you in any immediate danger?"
"No. Not at the moment. I just... Dad taught me the basics and I took classes when I was growing up in Montesano but ever since my accident... I don't know how much you know of my history but basically my instincts are off and I don't trust myself."
I see his face change and there it is. That look of pity I've been trying to avoid from people since I moved to Portland. The same look that every one fucking gives me.
"I don't know the details of your history, Ana. And you don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable."
"It's not that. Just please don't look at me with pity, like I'm a broken girl. Shit happened to me and I really am trying to move past it but..." I feel my eyes begin to water and my throat burn. "Can we go into the car and talk? I need privacy to tell you this stuff."
We make our way back with our beverages and take our respective places in the car. I tell him everything in bullet point form from the accident to the recovery to the rape and what Dementor has been doing to me. I shut off my emotions and speak in almost monotone.
"Fuck." I hear him say under his breath.
"I don't want you to look at me some broken china doll, Sawyer. I need to learn how to toughen up. Before the accident, I had perfect aim, I could floor a guy who was twice my size but now... I second guess every fucking thing and I'm exhausted." I take a deep breath. "I know Christian will ask you for a report on me and you're more than welcome to tell him about our conversation, I don't mind. But I'd rather train with someone I know than going to a new instructor and deal with all that NDA shit."
"No, I get it. We can train at Grey's apartment gym? Or the main gym at Escala."
"I don't know about that. My building has a gym by the way."
"Grey won't go for that."
I roll my eyes. "Let me think about it."
"Do you want to hit the shooting range sometime?"
"Not going to lie, I loved that shit but I know Christian is anti-gun so God knows how he's going to feel about that."
"He's a pansy."
"HEY, don't say that about my man!"
We both laugh and suddenly the atmosphere is light again.
...
"Hey Steele!" Elliot bellows as I walk in and give him a hug.
I can't help but giggle "Hi, Elliot bhai! Missing my bff?" I ask teasingly. "Yeah, don't tell her that though, I like to keep the girl guessing."
"Damn, is this what you look like when you work at GEH? I approve."
I burst out laughing. "Careful, Christian might hear you and knock you on your ass."
"I'd like to see the fucker try." He sneers. "In fact, one of the these days I'm going to show up and make sure I hit on you in front of him just to see Dorothy lose his shit."
"I think we should totally make this happen." I hold up my hand and we high five.
We order Thai and talk more about architecture till the food comes. Once we settle and start to eat I broach the subject.
"I'm glad we got time to meet alone, I've been meaning to ask you to hang out."
I can see the apprehension in his face. "Yeah, sure... everything good?"
"Yeah It is..." I take a deep breath. "I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with Christian and I've realized that I only know these very limited sides of him. The CEO from work, who he is with me which is still a very new evolution and what Elena did to him in regards to all the BDSM shit and even though he's emotionally closed off, I was hoping you could share your memories of how he was with you. I just want to know how he was growing up. I know nothing about him."
Elliot nods. "I can understand that and I appreciate you coming to me. My relationship with Christian was difficult at first. He came into the family when I was 7 years old. He was 4 at the time and just a scrawny kid. He never spoke, at least not for the first 3 years with us but he still played with me. I got over the fact that I wasn't the center of attention anymore eventually. I mean look at me, I'm fucking adorable and then this kid comes along and tries to steal my thunder, I was fucking pissed." He laughs a little and it gives me a little insight into how rambunctious Elliot was even back then.
"I knew he had been hurt. He was just so quiet all the time and he had nightmares. He'd scream the house down at night and man could he fucking throw a punch. He'd beat the shit out of me. I mean, I also wouldn't stop from teasing him but that's what older siblings do right? When Mia came, that was the first time I heard his voice. His first word was 'Mia', I swear Ana, it's like the room lit up. He wouldn't let go of her. He was obsessed with her. He couldn't bear to see her cry and he'd always play with her. Mia was the only one who could touch him. " I feel tears begin to fall imagining Christian as a little boy, in need of love and safety at night and then falling in love with his baby sister and finding himself.
"He opened up a bit after that but he still remained guarded with us. He'd get us to do shit and then always pin the blame on me so I was always grounded. The fucker was always in mom's good graces but then when he hit puberty he lost his shit and started drinking and brawling. It was a fucking shit show, Steele. Mom and Dad were at the end of their rope with him, I think they even considered sending him to military school or something. Then the summer he turned 15 it was a 180 change. He miraculously just stopped but he became increasingly withdrawn. He was polite but he'd barely speak to me. When I left for college, I completely lost him. He barely replied to any form of communication. When we'd come home for the holidays, he'd disappear for hours on end... now I know where the fuck he'd go. That bitch stole him from us" He shakes his head and tries to continue but he takes a few moments to compose himself.
"It's okay Elliot, we don't have to talk about this. Just tell me some happy memories you have. We don't need to talk about the heavy shit." I wipe the tears from my eyes.
"No, I want to tell you this. It's important for you know, you're family now and you deserve to know this stuff. I want you and Christian to make it so I will do whatever I can to help. He's my kid brother, I always want him to be happy. If that means crying like a baby over some thai food then that's a small price to pay." He chuckles and I can't help but smile. "You're an amazing older brother Elliot. Christian is so lucky to have you in his life."
"Yeah, but I didn't protect him from that bitch. I should've paid more attention but I was just chasing tail and being a dumb jock." I reach out and squeeze his hand "Listen, you were a kid just living your life. You can't hold yourself responsible. None of you can, especially when the change you saw in Christian was a positive one in terms of him doing well in school and not drinking. No one could ever have imagined what he had gotten himself into. Our job right now is to make sure he knows how much we love him and help him for the future." I tell him and he nods "Yeah, you're right."
"When I first told Christian about what happened with Vishaal four years ago he wanted to murder him and he asked me why I couldn't bring myself to exact my revenge or wish him ill and I told him that my only wish is that the rest of my life is to infinitely happier than the 4 years of misery I felt at the hands of him. That's what our goal for Christian should be. That the next 50 years of his life are filled with happiness and love and safety."
"Damn Steele, you're so fucking wise. It scares me. Are you sure you're only 24?"
I can't help but laugh. "Nani is a good teacher and when you're confined to a bed indefinitely, you end up thinking a lot and stuff starts to make sense. But I'm messed up too in my own way... I'm trying to work on that." He nods slowly and eats a little more.
"What about after he dropped out of Harvard, I can imagine he was insanely busy with setting up the business but still, he was aloof?"
"Yeah, he barely smiled or laughed. Mia could sometimes get a reaction from him but it was always measured. I'd try to hang with him on the weekends, grab a beer or introduce him to girls but he'd just blow me off. It'd be a rare occurrence if we ever went hiking. He has a good relationship with Grandpa Theo but that also dwindled eventually, we all just chocked it up to him being busy and driven to make the business successful. Then at one point we just thought he was gay."
I burst out laughing. "Oh god, you know Kate asked him if he was gay right? In the interview for the WSU paper."
"Yeah I know, my girl has got the biggest balls." We fall into a fit of laughter till we can't breathe. "That's why when I saw him stare a hole at you at the wedding I was like... HANG ON A MINUTE. WHAT IS HAPPENING?" He's so freaking animated sometimes.
"Oh god, don't remind me. He freaked me the fuck out when you guys introduced me to him I thought I was going to get fired for fraternization cause HR runs a tight ass ship at work. There's an unofficial mantra for the women and it basically is 'stay away from grey'... I mean I've heard horror stories of how he'd shut women down at work. I did not want to be on the receiving end of that. Plus I never made the connection because you didn't look alike and Mia told me your last name was Grayson so yeah. Talk about a mini heart attack."
"Yeah, sorry about the name shit. Issues. Besides, I would've punched his face had he done that to you." He laughs. "Steele, seriously, his jaw was on the fucking floor when you sang the first night. I just randomly looked at him and he was in love with you, I just knew it. He has never looked at a woman they way he looked at you. I knew it. I was like, well I guess he's not gay and God I hope this girl can smack some sense into him cause when I saw him with you at the beach. Ana, I have NEVER seen him like that. I have never seen him happy like that. It was... something else man"
Tears start to fall from my eyes and I quickly wipe them away as we get up and put the food away "He's changed my life Elliot. For the first time since the accident, I felt like I belonged and the future seemed clearer to me. He was so sweet to me and I know he has a kind and generous heart but I just got scared with all these recent revelations and my past experience with sexual violence. I can rationally separate everything but emotionally; I'm still a mess. After what happened with Vishaal, I completely clammed up. I wouldn't talk to men, I couldn't trust them especially when someone I called my brother and had known since I was a child could violate me like that. Kate was the one who slowly pushed me out of my comfort zone. Christian is the first guy I've been with and it's scary you know especially when you find out stuff out about the lifestyle... I don't want to wake up to him one day telling me that either you become a submissive or this is over because right now this is all new to him but what happens when it becomes old and he no longer finds me appealing? I've dealt with rejection before, don't get me wrong but it'll just hurt a lot more this time around."
He walks over to me and gives me a bear hug and rubs my shoulder. "I know and you should take all the time you need. It's a lot to take in and listen, we're here for the both of you and if he ever dares to break your heart like that, I will murder him. Trust me on this. He may be my brother but it doesn't give him a free pass on being an asshole. Though, I also believe you can handle him all on your own. I mean you threw him out of your apartment, now that takes balls of Steel"
I can't help but laugh. "Yeah, it was epic. I threw Mr. billionaire out on his ass." I sneer and he gives me a high five.
"I'm telling you, you're the best girl for him. He needs to be put in his place every now and then." I shrug.
"Tell me what you love most about Christian?"
"He's a protector. He's always been there when we've needed him. He drops everything to be there for us. He'll do everything in his power to make sure we're taken care of. Grey Construction is only where it's at because he decided to take a chance on me. I owe him a lot. He's just fucking brilliant, he's the bravest guy I know. I'm in awe of him"
I smile and nod at him. "Yeah, he's pretty special." I say wishing I was in his arms right now, looking into his eyes.
The rest of the night goes by in a flash as we talk a bit more about Christian and they memories of growing up with the Greys. I feel a bit better after talking to Elliot. I saw a different side to Christian. I know how much he loves his brother and it's beautiful.
On my way home I text Mia and decide to see if she's available for a dinner date.
AS: Hey love, sorry to text so late. Any chance you're free on tomorrow night to meet for me dinner? Come over to my place and we'll order pizza? Was hoping we could talk.
MG: Of course Banana, I'll meet you at 7pm?
AS: Yeah sure, and you can stay over if you want.
MG: Um, I might just go to Ethan's after.
AS: Mia Antoinette Grey, you hussy.
MG: Girl... I have SO MUCH to tell you.
AS: Oh god. I'm going to regret this aren't I?
Tuesday, January 28th, 2020
CPOV
"Sawyer, care you explain to me the gap between you and Miss Steele leaving GEH and getting to Elliot's condo." I ask trying my best to rein in my temper. Taylor looks stoic as always.
"Sir, Miss Steele asked for us to stop at a coffee shop to... talk."
The fuck... "What exactly did she want to talk about?"
"Sir, she asked for favor. She wants me to teach her self-defense."
WHAT? "What do you mean? Is she in danger?"
"I asked her the same and she said no. She just wants to learn from someone she knows, she needs a refresher and is hoping to advance her technique once she's gained back her confidence and can learn to trust her instincts again."
"I see."
"She also told me her history with her accident and..." I see Sawyer visibly wince "her assault. She would like me to train her at her building gym but I said that you might not go for that."
I nod.
"Whenever you both decide to start, I want you to train her in the apartment gym."
"I suggested that and she said she would think about it."
"I appreciate you doing this Sawyer."
He nods.
"How was she when she left Elliot's last night?"
"She seemed okay. I could tell she had been crying but our conversation on her way back home was light."
I nod and dismiss them for the rest of the day.
CG: How was dinner with Ana last night?
EG: Great. We were plotting ways to take over GEH. You might wanna watch your ass, Dorothy.
CG: I'm serious.
EG: Take a Xanax bro. Dinner was good. We talked and don't worry she still loves your mug... not sure why but she does.
CG: Thanks Lelliot.
APOV
I decide to eat lunch at my desk this afternoon. Lunch consists of mango flavored yogurt and oats with a stash of swedfish. I keep eating out and whenever I get home, I am too lazy to make anything. It's not fun cooking for one. The food Grace brought is almost finished. I can't wait for Kate to be back tomorrow but then again, she's going to want to spend time with Elliot. Maybe, they'll come over and we'll have dinner together? God, I'm becoming that friend, no that 'third wheel' they include out of pity. I should probably talk to Kate and get my mind straightened out. I never used to feel like this before. Get it together, Steele.
As sad and defeated as I feel, I've poured myself into work today and I've gotten shit done. It also helps that I've been keeping to myself. Jose and Val are feeling neglected. As much as I love them, I need a little distance to miss them too. My office chat window pings.
J. Rodriguez: You seriously look like a sad ass deflated balloon.
A. Steele: You sure know how to make a girl feel special.
J. Rodriguez: You know you can talk to us right?
A. Steele: I know :) I'll be fine soon I promise. Just some complicated shit going on behind the scenes.
J. Rodriguez: Good cause we miss your ass at lunch. I need someone to put Val in her effing place. The B is getting too much for me to handle alone.
A. Steele: You'd die without her you diva.
J. Rodriguez: Tell her that and I'll eff you up.
...
CPOV
I head back to Escala just in time for Mrs. Jones to set out dinner. She looks at me wistfully. She's in her early 40's but she has a motherly like quality about her and I know she genuinely cares for me. I think my view of her changed when Ana came into my life, certainly more so after she left. I come out of my room and see her cleaning the kitchen counter before heading out.
"Mr. Grey, I've made Beef Stroganoff for this evening."
"Thank you Gail."
"Will there be anything else?"
"No, this is good. In fact, I'll be taking this into my study. I have some more work to do." That's my fucking life now. Fucking empty. I miss hearing Ana's voice echo through these spaces. I miss listening to her singing along to her music, her walking around... her aura. Her... everything.
I see Gail about to leave and do something completely unexpected before I can stop myself. "Gail, can I ask you something?"
"Of course, Mr. Grey."
"Do you think she'll come back?" I can feel my throat burn.
She takes a breath and her face softens even more. "She will Mr. Grey. You have to have faith in her and yourself."
"I used to think I knew how to read people, how to read women but she knocks the wind out of me every time. I'm out of my depth and it's not a feeling I'm used to."
"Well, she's not any kind of woman. She's one of kind, which is why you fell in love with her. Mr. Grey, being in love is just that, simultaneously feeling out of your depth and yet so safely anchored to the ground. You both will find your way back to each other. I know it."
I nod. This is probably the most personal conversation I've ever had with her. "Gail, I hope you know how much I appreciate what you and Jason have done for me over the years. I haven't been an easy man to deal with but you have stuck by me throughout and I am... grateful."
"Mr. Grey, you don't give yourself enough credit. You are a good man. Jason and I genuinely want to see you happy. Miss Steele will come back. I am sure of it." She smiles at me and I nod. I pick up my plate and head to the study to spend another long night working.
I'm in the middle of watching the evening news when I get a text from Mia.
MG: Spending the evening with Ana. She's doing well, here's a video of us being silly!
I open the video and Ana laughing with her hair in a messy bun and flushed cheeks and not an ounce of makeup on. She's laughing and speaking into the camera threatening Kate and Elliot to not come back till Sunday night because she doesn't want to share the food Mia and her cooked. She's adorable. It makes me smile and long for her. Mia proceeds to send me pictures of Ana throughout the night, of her eating, laughing, bundled up in a blanket on the couch with a tub of ice-cream and intensely staring at the TV. My simple girl with her simple pleasures.
CG: Thanks for sending these Mia, she'll probably kill us both if she finds out.
MG: We'll survive. Know that she loves you so much Christian. She's asked about you so the entire time.
CG: I know she does, I love her just as much. Thanks Mia.
APOV
Mia and I cook up a storm after a very successful grocery run which is great because this food can last me till Sunday if I freeze some of it. Suddenly my selfish ass doesn't want Kate and Elliot to stay over on the weekend and eat all the food.
"Mia, can I just marry you. Feed me till the end of time. You're so good at this." I talk like a child with my mouthful.
"Deal. Ethan and Christian are useless anyway." She giggles.
"So tell me, you and Ethan doing well?"
"Ana... he's so... mature and understanding and GOD, the sex... I mean..."
I hold up my hand to stop her. "Babies, I'm eating, can we please hold off on the sex talk and also, I see him as a brother so this is weird for me and not to mention, I've had sex with your brother so this is going to get awkward really fast."
"Oh yeah, I forgot. You and Christian, God... you're like in mom and dad territory for me. I never want to imagine them having sex." Mia laughs and quickly shakes her head in mock disgust.
"Listen, it's okay, you can talk to me about anything just when the time is right. Like after food. We can talk about sex after food." I laugh.
We talk about everything, her apprenticeship at the Mile High Club with this insanely sought after French Chef that just started. She's thinking of going to Paris again for another course to get more experience after she's done in the Spring but isn't sure given how well things with Ethan are going.
"Mia, keep your plans on track... Ethan is new. As much as I adore you both together, you shouldn't alter your dreams and goals right now. Ethan is mature enough to recognize that you too have aspirations and if you guys end up having to do long distance then you will do it and it will be fine. You're grown ups, women always compromise with the guy have to move to the boonies, and Ethan is a good guy... he will support you or I will beat his ass."
"Thanks Banana, you're right. I just have never felt this way. Remember when we talked about love in the car on the way to beach at the wedding... that's how I feel."
I lean and give her a big hug and she starts to cry, which makes me bawl like a baby.
"You've found your all encompassing love?"
"I have but... I haven't told him yet, I mean it's also so new. I'm not sure he feels that way about me but the conversations we've had are intense Ana. He's unlike anyone I've ever met. I feel like I've found...I've found my person. And it's in the little things that he does for me that... I've never experienced that. I can't explain it." she says wiping tears from her eyes.
"Then that's all that matters. If you're afraid to say I love you, I can understand that. Take your time but also enjoy this time. Feel cherished, feel his adoration and most of all, trust the connection you have." I suddenly miss Christian. I miss his touch. I miss his eyes. I should follow my own advice.
"I do, I trying my best to exercise patience as well... we all know how 'enthusiastic' I can be. I have self control issues but he calms me and it's a whole new world." I smile at her and squeeze her hand.
"I'm so happy for you. So fucking happy for you."
"I have you and Kate to thank, thank you for thinking of me and introducing us."
"Girl, we knew we wanted to hook you and Ethan up when we came back from Seattle after Cabo. It was just a matter of getting to know you better and making sure it would be a good match and then also Ethan moving back from the East Coast."
"Thank God it all worked out though I feel like shit that it put a dent further into yours and Christian's situation." I sense the guilt in her tone.
"Listen to me, Christian is a grown ass man who landed himself extra time in the doghouse alllll on his own. I gave him a piece of my mind that day and it seems to really have resonated with him, though knowing how impatient he can be... I mean you know him way better than I do, we'll see how long this lasts till his next outburst." I laugh a little and Mia gives me a small smile, tears still flowing.
"That's the thing, I feel like I don't know him anymore. He's definitely my brother. I love him there is no doubt about that but... he told me everything. He didn't give me the details on his BDSM lifestyle post Elena but I'm not an idiot, I have lived a life and have seen and heard shit but I just felt blindsided. All those years when I was looking up to my brother, he was trapped and being exploited by that bitch and then later on... it warped his sense of self... to make him... do... all... that and be... alone...ohhh I'm so sorry banana... I wish I had known..." She sobs and I pull her into another hug.
"I know babies, I know. It's hurts. I wish I knew him back then, I wish we could've saved him from all that. I wish we could have showed him how much he is loved and how important he is to us." I kiss her forehead and she starts to calm down a bit. "I said this to Elliot yesterday, that as hurt as we are about what he went through in the past, we need to now look to the now and future. We need to make sure the remainder for his life with us is filled with love, acceptance, safety and happiness. It's going to take all of us and a whole lot of patience to get him to see himself the way we see him. And Mia, he's still the brother you love and adore, he always will be."
I start to cry as well. I cry for the little boy who cried at night. I cry for the teenager who felt misunderstood. I cry for the boy who was sexually exploited by that bitch, I cry for the man who believed who was not worthy of love in his life. I cry for being such a broken mess who can't get it together to go back to him.
She nods and wipes her tears and sits up. "You're right, we need to move forward. Will you guys get back together Banana, no pressure, I just love seeing you both together, you're perfect and I've never seen Christian so happy and actually laughing like he does with you."
"We will Mia, when the time is right. As much as I took this break for myself, it's also for him. For him to really think about his life choices and also decide if what we have is just a phase or if he feels like he wants go back to the lifestyle. Because if it's the latter then there is no room for me in his life and Mia, I haven't been through all that shit in my life to be reduced to sexual plaything. This relationship is a first for us both and we've come from trauma and... there's just a lot to analyze and work through. I have a lot of feelings and it's confusing."
She nods silently playing with the blanket in her hands.
"Tell me about your relationship with Christian growing up. What is your favorite memory of him?"
Her face lights up. "Oh god... so many. I mean he was quite the prankster. He was always pranking me, nothing elaborate just little things but he would always make it up to me. It's hard to stay mad at him plus the black amex really helps." She giggles. "One of my favorite things was he'd tuck me into bed. He'd read stories to me and he would always check under the bed for monsters and tell me I was going to be safe and I'd believe him. He helped me not feel afraid of the dark. Even though every other night he'd wake up with night terrors and none of us could do anything to make him feel safe."
I burst out crying and I can't stop. It's embarrassing. Mia pulls me into hug and holds me tight. "Sorry... god... it's hard to be mad at him when you guys share memories like that. Asshole makes it so easy to fall in love with him." I laugh a little.
"Yeah...if he only believed it. I used to talk to him a lot because he'd always be grounded and in his room reading so I'd go up him and talk up a fucking storm and he'd answer every single question I had. He was so patient with me, I mean if you guys think I'm bad now... I was 10 times worse back then but he loved and still loves me. The distance of course grew exponentially after he turned 15. First it was slow and then when he moved out to go to Harvard, I lost him. I think we all did but this is the most we've heard him speak you know. Ever since you came and all this happened. He's talking to us. You're the reason for it Banana, you're a godsend."
"Mia, please... it's not me. I didn't make him do anything. In the end everything was his decision. He could have still chosen to not tell you guys anything."
"I know... but you gave him the courage to. That's what matters the most. He loves you so much Banana. I hope you still believe in that." She smiles at me and I find myself unable to look her in the eye. "I do, Mia I do. I love him so much but we both have growing up to do."
It's a little after 10pm when Mia leaves and I quickly clean up as I blast some music. As I put the last of the things away, an old song that I haven't heard in a longest time comes on.
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images
My mind drifts to Carmel by the Sea again. I turn off the song. I don't want to feel sad anymore. I don't want to feel lonely. I start to compose a text to send to Christian and I write a 100 different variations of salutations and it's fucking pathetic... an English major who cannot find the words to start a conversation.
I decide to put on my big girl panties and tell my brain to shut the fuck up and call him. The phone rings. Each ring feels like years have passed by. He doesn't pick up. I check the time, it's only 10:30... maybe he doesn't want to talk to me. That's fair.
I walk into my room and start to prepare my clothes for tomorrow. I should probably wear black. It's safe and professional. I want to blend in and not stand out. I take out a conservative knee length dress and choose my kitten heels with bows on the ankle straps. This should look nice. I met Mrs. Rahman very briefly at Rania's wedding. She probably won't even remember me. I don't think I've ever met Akash either... maybe I have... I'm brought out of my reverie when my phone rings. It's Christian.
"Baby? Is everything okay?" he asks concerned. God HIS VOICE... I'm just a melted puddle on the fucking floor now.
"Um.. yeah, I'm fine. I called.. to... I'm sorry... I called on impulse." I'm such a fucking nervous wreck.
"Ana, what happened?"
"Nothing." Don't cry, Steele. DO NOT FUCKING CRY.
"Okay." His voice is serious and measured. "Did you have dinner?"
"Yes I did. Mia was here this evening and we cooked."
"I'm glad to hear that."
And then there's the awkward silence. Us both hanging on the line.
"How are you feeling?" he asks.
"I'm okay, I think." I answer truthfully.
"Have you been sleeping?"
"Not really. I've got a lot on my mind."
"Want to talk about it."
"It's mostly sad stuff that I'm trying my best to work through."
"I see. You know you can talk to me and you can talk to Flynn."
"Yeah I know. I thought Nana's death didn't affect me but I think it has."
"Talk to me baby."
I take a deep breath and crawl into my bed.
"He's the first loved one to die since my dad. Before dad died I never experienced that. The death of a loved one. And... well, I never got to bury my dad or say goodbye, you know. I haven't even been to his grave. I feel like it's somehow a repeat of that except, I'm feeling this way about someone who was so distant with me and our last bit of time we spent is now messing with my brain. And then talking about him yesterday... I don't know... I'm confused and it's messing with me I think." I finish just as my voice starts to waver and gets thick.
"I'm sorry, Ana."
"It's not your fault, you don't have to say that."
"I know... I mean... I just wish you didn't feel that way or had to experience that."
"Maybe there's a lesson in all that I'm not seeing."
"Did you love him?"
"Yeah I did. I mean, he was the only grandfather I had. No matter how non-existent our relationship was. He was my grandmother's husband and my mothers father. I still would've done anything he asked me to do. I guess maybe, I didn't feel love but a deep sense of loyalty to him and now his memory after everything... ." I start to cry.
"Why do you always reduce your self-worth to what others have done for you? Why do you always measure yourself by the debt you owe to them?" I can sense the irritation in his voice
"What else do I have Christian? I guess it's just the perks of being a woman in a man's world. The constant self-guessing." I laugh a little as I wipe my tears.
He takes a deep breath. "None of them are worthy of you Ana." I hear the heaviness in his voice.
"I don't know." I try to deflect, trying stop a new wave of tears.
"Want to hear something funny?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Ros caught me staring at your ass when you walked away from us to make a phone call."
I burst out laughing. "Oh god... Christian... KEEP your EYES to YOURSELF. Like you have NO idea, her and Jose have been on my case to setup a tinder and go on a date."
"I'll fucking fire them both." He laughs.
"No you won't, you can't live without Ros and Travis can't live without Jose. So you're just gonna have to deal."
"Ros, wants us to date. She's been trying to brainwash me and you looking hot as fuck yesterday was doing me no favors."
I bust out laughing trying to quash the discomfort of the compliment. "It was all just some makeup and a pretty dress. Has she ever done that before?"
"I'm going to ignore your self-deprecation. And no she's never actively tried to set me up. Which is why it's so surprising and entertaining. She's on to me though. She loves the fact that you ignore me and are so unaffected by me."
"She'll murder us both whenever she finds out." I giggle.
"I'll give her a raise to shut her up." He laughs.
"I like it when you laugh. When I first saw you around GEH, I thought maybe you never smiled a day in your life." I confess.
"Well, Miss Steele, you're quite hilarious. You make it easy to laugh."
"I've been known to have my moments."
"I thought you avoided me like the plague before you met me."
"Oh I definitely did that doesn't mean I didn't see you. I remember, I think it was my second month, I walked by conference room A and I saw you at the head of the table just looking out the window, lost in thought. You looked so sad but then I thought... ehhhh, rich people problems and walked away."
"You're the only woman who can so easily write me off." He says with sadness.
"I didn't know you and I know I judged you. It was wrong but it was honestly just a passing thought. I projecting my own insecurities in a way I guess."
"I guess I do that too. I judge people and measure their worth by money."
"We all judge people in some way. Doesn't make it right but I guess if we make an active choice to try and nip that thought process in the bud as it starts then we'll be okay."
"I guess." He muses. "Are you nervous about the meeting tomorrow?"
"A little. I haven't been in a setting like that for about 3-4 years and I don't know if Mrs. Rahman will remember me."
"You've met her before?"
"Yes, briefly... at Rania's wedding. Everyone and their mother showed up to Rania's wedding so yeah, we'll see. She knows Nani very well so once I introduce myself as her granddaughter, it'll be smooth sailing."
"Thank you for doing this, Ana."
"I'm happy to help, Christian."
"You always are. I felt a little guilty, I know you don't like using your family connections but you've been more than generous with everything. I know Ros is over the moon about you being a part of the process."
"Truth is, if I wasn't friends with Ros and I didn't know you but I still got asked to meet you guys to help with translations... I probably wouldn't have told you my connection to AHAK and given such a comprehensive look into the Rahman's."
"Why not?"
"I don't know... trust? I mean what would I have said, um, hi... please sign this NDA because I'm not allowed to talk about my family etc." I laugh a little. "My friendship with Ros and knowing you helped me trust you guys with that information. I've realized that I need to start trusting people again."
"I understand. Still, it means the world to me that you're going above and beyond for GEH."
"Well, don't thank me yet. We don't even know how tomorrow will go. I could very easily tank everything and then Ros will definitely fire me... and your chance to hook up with me will go down the drain." I can't help but laugh.
"Miss Steele, I think I can definitely still hook up with you with or without Ros's help." He chuckles.
"Dream on, Grey." I sass back.
"Miss Steele, you have no idea what I've been dreaming up."
"Perv."
"No denying that."
I giggle. "I've missed this. Us talking. I've been... I'm tried of feeling this way..."
"I know baby, but take all the time you need. In the end, I always want you to be happy. I fucking miss you but..."
"I know... I miss you too."
"It's late baby, sleep. I love you."
"I'll try. I love you, good night."
Authors Note: A little sunday night, and early monday morning pick me up for some of you guys. Cause next chapter is some major drama.
Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 25-27 board :)
Music:
Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
