Inquisitor,
I hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits. I know there's no excuse to justify my extended absence. You probably already know that I'm alive and well. Also, I'm not in Val Royeaux. It's a beautiful city, but after spending all that time preparing for the masquerade I've decided that I really do hate Orlesians and The Game. Still, if I didn't tell you that night, I'm glad things worked out the way they did and that I was able to help as much (or as little) as I did. I'm also happy those dance lessons paid off. You and the Seeker looked wonderful. I hope Morrigan is treating you well and that you're all adjusting to her presence. Yes, I know what I said.
I wish I could tell you things were eventful in the Hinterlands. Corporal Vale has everything in order. With the Mages and Templars no longer a serious threat, the refugees are able to access supplies and the hunter is able to, well, hunt. I still managed to provide some items for them. By the way, I sent a handful of Inquisition scouts back to Skyhold with some things I gathered. Have they arrived? One box is labeled mine. I imagine Nightingale already opened it to check the contents so you know it's nothing more than animal pelts. Krem has a blanket made of the same materials and I decided shortly after Haven that I would like one as well. Hopefully, this can somehow be arranged or else so many fennecs had to die for nothing. The idea doesn't sit well with me. Also, there's a new book of poetry for the Seeker. I didn't think the flowers would survive the trip. My next stop is Crestwood. I'm pretty sure, should you reply, the Inquisition soldiers will know where to send the letter.
I just asked and they informed me that they'll know.
Raven O'Hara
Advisor of the Inquisition
Raven,
I don't think I'll ever get used to how formal, yet so informal, your reports can be. Still, I think they're hilarious and always appreciated. Thank you for keeping me up to date with the status of the Hinterlands and scouts saying you're doing well in Crestwood. I remember you were disappointed you couldn't go the first time. Thank you for following up with them and making sure they're safe. Advisor or not, you're still allowed to take time for yourself, especially after the last couple of months. I imagine they weren't easy on you and I know I could never accomplish it so gracefully - especially in that dress. How do women breathe in corsets?
Cassandra loved the book. I think it surprised her that you were thinking of her and don't worry about the pelts you sent back. I got you covered. Is that the right phrase?
There's a lot we need to go over once you return, both regarding the Inquisition and then a few things on a more personal matter. Obviously nothing bad so please don't worry. I just need your help with a few things.
Looking forward to seeing you.
Inquisitor Trevelyan
Inquisitor
You got me covered? What does that even mean?
Crestwood is doing well after the incident with the Mayor. Obviously his title was stripped and he's working the fields. It's appropriate enough. The people still haven't forgotten what you've done here and they display the Inquisition banner proudly. It's good to see these kinds of outcomes. My second day here I stopped by the tavern, since it's open now, and while I didn't announce who I was, the songs and praise were heartwarming. With the constant downpour from before and now the heat, humidity is high my hair has never been so floofy. I kind of wish it would just rain so I don't have to deal with it.
There were a handful of Red Templars by the mine, but I took care of them rather quickly, so there's nothing to worry about. There are also no Fade rifts to report from my travels. Judith says hi. She was the one you killed the wyvern for. We had dinner together last night and I'm not sure how I feel about eating wolf since they're one of my favorite animals, but it's better than horse. And goose.
Please don't worry about me. I'm planning to leave within the week assuming that nothing terrible happens. Have you taken the time to judge the prisoners yet? If not, we can take a couple of days and discuss what's to be done - if that's something you'd like to go over. We can also discuss the next course of action and what should - or shouldn't - be done. I imagine I'm not the only one enjoying the downtime.
Anyway, I'll be in Crestwood if you want to reply. If not, I'll see you when I'm back. What would you say to dinner? Usual place, usual time? Give my best to everyone.
Sincerely - wait, no. Fondly? Yeah, Fondly sounds better.
What about formally?
Raven A. O'Hara. Advisor to the Inquisition.
It was nearly a month after the Masquerade when Raven crossed the bridge into Skyhold. At dawn, most were asleep making the signal bell for her arrival fall on deaf ears, but early risers Cullen and Bull greeted her at the gates. The large Qunari wasted no time engulfing her in a tight hug that knocked the air from her lungs as he lifted her from the ground like a ragdoll.
"We were wondering if you'd ever come back," he said once he put her back down. Raven smiled at his enthusiasm but couldn't find it within herself to feel the same. She was exhausted and her body was surprisingly sore from the long journey between Crestwood and Skyhold.
"I got tired of playing hermit. I think a month is a long enough vacation. Some of the soldiers should arrive later to deliver all the remaining materials I gathered. How have you been Bull?" She asked while straightening the loose black shirt she was wearing. It was the one Cole had worn at the Winter Palace after Florienne had been taken into custody. She'd found it folded at the bottom of her bag a week into her trip and knew either he or someone else had put the garment in there.
Cole had only worn it a handful of times because he didn't want to ruin it while in the field or during one of their regular sparring matches so it had been perfect for the Winter Palace. Anticipating the cooler weather of the Hinterlands, she packed thicker clothes and rogues armor made with nugskin and fennec fur to help keep out the cold. She didn't own a shirt like the one she had on but after wearing it for a day she would write Adrian and Delphine to rectify that.
"Things are always good here. We should talk a little later, just the two of us." He said the last part quietly. Raven looked up at him and Bull could see the confusion on her face as she slowly nodded. If it was anyone else he would've chosen to keep quiet about some of the things he'd seen and heard over the month she was gone, but she was one of his friends, something he hadn't expected to find when joining the Inquisition, and where Cole was concerned he felt she needed to know.
"Drinks tonight then?" She asked and with a nod in return Bull left to head back to his room above the tavern and also back to the sexy bronze-skinned Mage asleep in his bed.
With Bull's disappearance into the tavern, Cullen took his time observing Raven who had yet to say a word to him. He hadn't seen her since that night at the Winter Palace a month ago and it was strange to see what a small vacation was capable of doing to her; her red hair was down and certainly less tamed than he was used to seeing, like she took a bath and never tied it back. The shirt she was wearing was simple black cotton that seemed loose enough to move in but still showed off the curves of her breasts and waist. The smile she wore was genuine when she finally turned his way and Cullen had to hold back his surprise when she suddenly came forward and embraced him.
Her hands seemed to glide along his armor and up into the fur mantle he wore. The only way Cullen knew her hands eventually rested on his shoulders was the pressure of her grip followed by the eventual warmth coming from her skin. He smiled when he looked down to see that her head rested on his chest.
Cullen wrapped his arms around her waist while silently cursing his armor for preventing him from feeling the curves of her body and how warm she made him. Unlike the time he held her at the Winter Palace where she was in exquisite silks and a corset to fit the standards set for nobility, Raven was now wearing nothing to shape her body in any way but its own and he longed to be able to run his bare hands over her curves.
"I am very tired," she said when she pulled away and looked up at him. He couldn't tell before because of the distance but with them being so close he could see that, while somehow refreshed, she still looked tired. It wasn't an easy journey up the mountains and she approached on foot. Her skin had less color to it despite being in the Hinterlands and Crestwood and he was surprised he didn't notice the slight bags under her eyes. She needed some tea and rest. The cold certainly wasn't helping.
"No one was expecting you until tomorrow and Patrick took over training after the first week. Why don't you head to your room and relax today?" Cullen suggested and was surprised when she didn't object and just slowly nodded. "I'll have some tea and food brought to your room."
She continued to nod as she readjusted the small pack hanging from her shoulders and gave him a small smile before making her way up the stairs to the main hall. With any luck, it would still be too early for her to run into anyone and become stuck in a conversation.
It was good to be home, Raven thought as she closed the door to her room and let the bag of clothes fall from her shoulders. The trip, much longer than she'd intended, was desperately needed. There were a lot of things she had to sort through and the time away from everyone helped, even if she was alone during most of it. In fact, she still wasn't sure what made her want to come home early or make that trip in the middle of the night, but the sight of her bed in the morning light coming through her windows and all the pillows with her comforter made it worthwhile. Something else was on her bed as well. Large and dark but the patterns were unmistakable and the realization that it was the blanket of animal pelts she talked about wanting made her smile. Christopher really did have her covered.
With a contented sigh she slowly made her way to her bed while pausing every few steps to take off one shoe, then another and the socks she hated even though they were warm. The cool floor against her bare skin made her toes instinctively curl, the soft skin grazing along the smooth stone.
It wasn't until she was about to pull up the ends of her shirt to unlace her leather breeches that a noise caught her attention and caused her body to stiffen. Her daggers were in her bag and the purple knife she insisted on carrying was clipped to her bra. How long would she have to pull it out?
"Who's there?" She didn't turn to observe the room. "You have no business being in here."
"I know."
Shit. It was him… Cole. It was only Cole and Raven silently cursed. She should've known it would be him.
"I'll leave but I had to see. Hearing is harder but your song..."
Yeah, her song... she still didn't turn to face him. "What about it, Cole?" She didn't mean to sound so harsh, did she? What she was feeling wasn't his fault and it wasn't fair to take it out on him. She knew that. But over the last month, being away from him, reflecting on the night of the Masquerade and all the other days and weeks and months they'd spent together… It wasn't his fault. It was hers. Perhaps she should've stayed away longer. At least until she could finally let it all go like she'd intended in the first place.
"It's different now." His voice was soft and Raven turned to see him sitting in a chair at her table looking down at his gloved hands. She wondered how tired she had to be to not notice him when she came in and started undressing. It shouldn't matter. He'd seen her nearly naked before back when she was mourning the loss of the life she'd once had and she'd seen him in next to nothing as she helped clean the wounds she'd inflicted during that near-deadly sparring match a couple of months ago. Still, she was glad he'd said something before she was able to remove anything significant. She shouldn't - he shouldn't have to be subjected to that. The thought slipped out and she wanted to turn away from those eyes of his. Had his rejection and avoidance have to do with such casualty? It was something she had never thought about before when he had been a spirit, but was he offended by the way she disregarded him and acted as if nothing had changed? Like he hadn't changed?
"Cole? Are you alright? What's different about it now?" Raven asked quietly wanting nothing more than to go to him but she didn't move. How would he handle her concern?
"Everything. Everything is so different but it's still not easier. I thought it would be. You were gone for so long." His words grew faster the longer he spoke. He wasn't making any sense and Raven wondered if it would be alright for her to run through Skyhold at sunrise to get Christopher, Varric, or Solas.
"Please tell me what's going on."
"You can't know. I'm sorry but it's better this way." He moved to stand, desperate to leave before he said too much, before he did something he'd never done before, something that he knew Raven would hate and he would most likely regret. Her warm hand grabbed onto his arm as he passed her. There was no strength behind her grip but he stopped anyway. Cole's eyes met hers for the first time since the Winter Palace and even if he couldn't already feel how his words and actions were affecting her, her eyes gave it away. She was tired, hurt, scared. She didn't know what was wrong but there was something and he knew he'd been the one to cause it.
"In the time we've been friends I've done nothing but encourage you to be who you are for the sake of your own happiness. I've accepted and embraced your actions and words. I've defended you, fought with you and for you, and have come to trust you with my entire being."
"You have -"
"I'm not done, Cole. I've answered your questions and tried to help you to the best of my ability no matter what the situation was. Is whatever I did so bad that you feel you can't come to me anymore? That you can't be honest?"
Her words were quiet but he heard her. Every word was laced with such pain that it made his chest hurt. Did she really believe it was her fault? She was hurting because of him; her song, once full of light, was now dark and muted, and Cole felt like a fool for thinking she would be okay with the distance he was putting between them. Varric, The Iron Bull, and Dorian had been right. Of course they were, he should've known better. When Cole made no move to answer she released her grip on his arm.
"You did nothing wrong, Raven." It was the only thing he could think of to say.
"Don't lie." Her tone changed.
"It's not you. The problem is with m -"
"Bullshit! Don't you dare lie to me, not after all we've been through!" He should've anticipated anger and he flinched at the sudden coldness of her words. When he turned to face her he expected her green eyes to cut him down where he stood as he'd seen her do with Cullen, Christopher, and the many enemies they'd faced. Instead, they reminded him of the stained glass he'd seen in Val Royeaux. Glistening with unshed tears.
"And what would you say if I told you? Are you willing to give up everything we have? I can't risk that - you. I won't risk you." He didn't mean to sound like he was challenging her. He didn't want to fight. She was… she was too important to him and seeing her distressed and dismayed hurt enough. Why couldn't she understand? Why couldn't she trust him to know what was best?
"Whatever it is, whatever it was, I'd say that you and I could work it out and move past it." She wasted no time with her reply and he knew that she meant everything she'd said "You just have to be honest with me. Trust me. Please! I can't- I've -" Tears spilled from her eyes.
He wanted to go to her, comfort her, wrap her in his arms and apologize. It was nothing short of a miracle that his legs listened to him and he remained still. His eyes moved to the wooden floor.
"It's selfish. I'm selfish but I can't lose you. Cole… "
"Words and thoughts run through my head and make my body ache. It's hard to calm down when I think of you. I'm sorry I'm hurting you but I have to. I can't think of any other way and I can't end up like him. That's worse. If he doesn't know how to make it better, how can I?" Cole rushed through his words, hardly able to look at her. Only after they were said did he realize how it probably sounded. She was confused, even more than before and Cole wished he could make her forget so he could try again. Did he really think she could understand?
Raven stared at him, struggling to see his expression in the dim light and make sense of what he said."I'm not like you, Cole." She didn't take her eyes off him as she reached up to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "I may know a lot of things about you and the others, but I'm not a mind reader and I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on." Her voice urged him to allow his eyes to finally meet hers. In the dim light, dressed in his shirt and a simple pair of black leather breeches, she was breathtaking and Cole could feel his heart speed up, hammering inside his chest. Could she hear it too, he wondered.
"I don't want to end up like Cullen," Cole said softly and it was quite possibly the last thing Raven expected to hear. She hoped he would help shed some light on whatever it was that was driving a wedge into their friendship, but the words he chose only confused her even more.
"As admirable as our Commander is, I don't think there's anything in this world you could do that would make you end up like him. Why would you think that?" It was a fair enough question in Raven's opinion. She could never picture Cole ending up like Cullen. The two were so different.
"He wants you." The words were simple but that didn't stop her breath from leaving her lungs as Cole continued, "That night only made him want you more. He wants to run his fingers through your hair, to hear your moans as he kisses you, and to feel your body curled up against his in the night. He wants it, wants you, but you don't want him. I know what that's like now and being near you hurts."
Cole's admission left her short of breath. Cullen had made it clear he wanted all that and more, but to hear Cole say, out loud, that he wanted the same things was like the first fall on a rollercoaster. Her heart pounded against her chest, hands suddenly clammy, and she wanted to scream as her stomach reeled.
They had always been close; too close for some, but it was a dynamic that seemed to work for them. She didn't care about the comments, the murmurs in the main hall, or what her friends thought. When had it changed for him and how could she not have seen it? She could feel the way her fingers twitched and she had to fight to keep her eyes on him instead of looking away. Those thoughts were something she'd kept to herself in the recent months, buried so deep so he wouldn't know. Had that been a mistake?
"You want that? With me?"
Her question was simple, but Cole still struggled to find the words to answer her while his heart continued to beat so hard he could hear it and his stomach turned. If she were anyone else, he would've already left and found an area where he could be alone, but she wasn't anyone else. She was Raven and he needed her. She called to him. Her very essence drew him in and he never wanted to leave her again no matter how much her rejection would hurt.
"Yes. I know you can understand. Please, just once, let me show you." He would deal with the pain as long as she wasn't hurting anymore. Without another thought about the fear he felt, Cole moved forward and closed the distance between them, wrapping one hand around her delicate waist while the other cupped her cheek - an action he'd seen so many times before from lovers unaware of his presence - and leaned down until his lips gently met hers.
Raven stood still, both heart and mind racing as she fought to catch up. He'd pulled her body against his and his skin was warm through the thin material of their clothes but his breath on her face was even warmer. She had been so caught up in his words before that she didn't realize he moved to kiss her until it was already happening. It was then that she noticed the way her body hummed, her lips tingled, and a rush of heat filled her as she closed her eyes and kissed him back. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine being able to feel how she felt at that moment as Cole held her tighter, slowly moving the hand cupping her cheek to the back of her neck. Her hands seemed to have a mind of their own as they moved up to his chest. He tasted like cinnamon and it reminded her of the tea she often drank. She deepened the kiss and her hands clutched at the material of his shirt as he moaned against her.
"I - I'm sorry," Cole murmured quietly as he pulled away for air. It was a lie, he didn't feel sorry at all, but the last thing he wanted was to push more onto her. Even now he was aware of how soft and warm her skin was under his fingers. He could smell blackberries from the soap she used. He could see that her cheeks were flushed and the color of her eyes had darkened. He could also hear her song, loud and light again, as it mixed with his own in a beautiful harmony that caused his vision to blur. He blinked once, then twice. She was so happy. When her hand trailed up the rest of his chest and to the back of his neck, Cole couldn't help but shudder at the sensation.
"Fuck, I'm not," she replied quietly before pulling him to her for another kiss.
She wasn't sorry either, he realized as he followed her lead and kissed back. She wasn't sorry. She wanted him to kiss her. She wanted him. Had it always been that way? And, if so, how had he not been able to tell? How did she smell and taste and feel so good?
Images suddenly flashed in his mind of them together, wants he never knew existed, and feelings that were familiar but somehow felt foreign. Were they hers? Were they all things she'd kept from him over the months they'd been friends, all the times her mind was silent, the thoughts he couldn't hear? When she pulled away, Cole was surprised at how cold he felt but that didn't stop him from opening his eyes to look at her.
"I've wanted to do that for a while," she admitted.
"You wanted it, too?" Cole couldn't help but ask and all he could do was stand there as she slowly nodded.
"Yeah. For months, actually." She chose her words carefully, assessing his reaction. When he didn't move to leave, she took a few shaky steps away from him so they weren't pressed against each other. "Although I didn't think it would be after a trip you declined to go on with me. It's funny how that works."
"You hid how you felt."
"Of course I hid it. So much was happening all at once and the last thing I wanted to do was put more on you while you were adjusting to being human. What else was I supposed to do?"
She hid part of herself, he thought idly as he took one of her hands in his. She buried her wants because of him. Months… Cole couldn't fathom the idea. "I didn't trust myself to be around you with these thoughts and feelings filling my mind. Doing something wrong, saying the wrong thing and losing you. You are so lovely." He reached his other hand out and let his fingers run through her long hair.
She leaned into his palm, her eyes didn't leave his. "What about now?" She asked, a smirk playing at her lips. Cole cocked his head in confusion. "Do you trust yourself now that you know I feel the same?"
