12

Window Reflections

One Bear Dances, One Bear Doesn't

Oh my gosh! She was sure her mother was never actually going to go to bed. For the past hour she had stood there at the base of the family room stairs with her shoes in her hands, poised to ascend the stairs. Each time she would place her foot on the step to go up into the front hall only to remember something else from her harrowing experience and begin to regale all over again. Only half way into the story she would remember that it was" top secret" and then she would have to back pedal and explain in great detail why she couldn't really share any of the facts with Amanda and how much she hoped Amanda would understand that "national security" was at risk and that was why she couldn't tell her any more. Then she would yawn or grasp her head in agony, mutter a "good night dear" and the scene would begin all over again. Amanda was so torn between laughter and utter exhaustion watching her, all the while stifling the urge to tell her mother that she knew exactly what she was going through. But now it appeared that her mother had finally made it all the way up the stairs to her bedroom, and Amanda carefully stretched her legs out on the couch and let her thoughts follow their own course.

Just the other day when mother had complained that life around there was so ordinary, Amanda had swallowed a laugh as well. But never had she thought that her mother would get herself into such a predicament. It had been so awfully frightening when the boys had gotten caught in the middle of Joe's troubles, and she was just getting herself and them over that ordeal; she really hadn't been prepared for her mother to insert herself in a case. When Lee had suggested that they just follow her mother and Dr. Zernoff, she had tried only to be concerned with eavesdropping on them. Once again, her nightmares about her family being drawn into one of the life endangering situations that had almost become common place for her had come true. She had tried so hard to keep her work at the Agency separate from her family life so that the ones that she loved so much could just stay normal and safe. But maybe that was impossible? Maybe because she was becoming immersed in a life of espionage and spies her family would be touched by it too? Maybe she couldn't separate them into two different worlds anymore?

Lee had been there to rescue the boys in the gym, but this time Amanda had ended up by herself, alone, to rescue her clueless mother and Dr. Zernoff. She had actually impressed herself with the skills that she had been able to use to try to free them. She knew that the mirror was actually a two way window, and she knew how to keep them from being paralyzed by fear and how to use the objects that she had on hand to create a diversion and find a way to escape. There were a couple of times when she knew that she had handled the situation the way she had because Lee had done the same for her countless times. But this time she had to rely on her own knowledge and strengths. As she led them down the hall while holding that gun, she knew that she was no longer the amateur civilian pulled off of the street.

But they had been caught. She still had a lot to learn especially about using a gun. She had been so glad to see Lee even if she did have to shout a loud "look out" and slam the door in his face. She hadn't even had to think about that part. She was his partner and she had to watch his back too. And what would have happened if Lee and Mother had really met? It was odd enough to see Mr. Melrose sitting across the table from her mother in the debriefing room. Would her mother have been able to put two and two together and figure out how well Amanda and Lee really knew each other? Would her mother begin to be able to put all the loose ends together and figure out what it was that Amanda was actually doing with IFF and Mr. Stetson, Sampson, Simpson? Oh, the events of the past couple of days were close calls on many fronts.

At that turn of thought, she sunk down further into the couch and pulled the throw blanket up under her chin. Her mind was quickly turning to the embarrassing conversation she and Lee had overheard in the car while they were listening in on Mother's picnic with Dr. Zernoff. She had worried about what they might hear while they listened. She had been more concerned for her mother's privacy; it should have occurred to her that her mother might divulge some of Amanda's secrets. Ooohh! She wasn't sure how she should feel about her mother discussing her own private life, and she sure wasn't certain how she felt about Lee having all that information. The part of her that had been guarding her true feelings for Lee for so long, even from herself, felt rather violated. But when she recalled the expressions that she thought she had seen cross his face, she couldn't help that excited thrill that rushed through every fiber of her body. It was clear that he was perturbed to hear Dean's name again. For heaven's sake, she had forgotten all about Dean! What was her mother thinking telling Dr. Zernoff that they had been practically engaged! Well, thinking back to that time in her life, maybe she had been, but, boy, she certainly had changed. The idea of being married to Dean now made her cold inside and out. She could feel the chill of what her life would have been like begin to touch her from her insides, and she began to pull the blanket further under her chin.

But then the image of Lee's eyes boring into her as he perched his chin on his fist and listened to her mother talk flooded her, and she could feel the heat rising again. She couldn't even handle his gaze then. Why on earth had he been so interested in her past dating history with Dean? He had looked at her as if she hadn't been honest with him and, back then, none of it had been his business. As if it had mattered to him what she had been thinking about Dean way back then! But that had been a mild embarrassment compared to what her mother had let loose next. Oh, how she hated eavesdropping!

How on earth did her mother ever begin to suspect that there was someone a work!? Maybe her mother hadn't given up on the idea that Amanda was having an affair. She had asked her about it a couple of times during the first few months that she had been working with Lee. Funny, though, she hadn't mentioned it at all in over a year. Ha! It wasn't as if there had to be a man in order to make Amanda passionate about her work. National security was important and it captured her attention. She was glad that she had a job that made a difference, one that really could make the world a safer place for her boys. Being able to work with a man like Lee Stetson was also a challenge, one that could have caused her to quit numerous times. But it was also rewarding. Having the friendship that they had begun to build was something she never actually thought would happen. Was there someone at work? Maybe? Yes, at least she was beginning to hope so. But it sure wasn't something that she wanted to discuss with Lee, especially now! And when she had heard her mother's words, all she could do was try to make them go away. But lying there now she couldn't help but wonder what Lee had thought as he heard her. At the beginning of their work relationship she would have guessed that he would have been annoyed or flattered in an annoying sort of way. But now, so much had transpired between them – meaningful conversations and shared experiences, confidences shared in the dark, fears expressed and forgiveness given, opportunities to walk away from their growing friendship and even a couple of missed kisses. How had he responded to her mother's words? She had been so busy trying to hide her own embarrassment that she hadn't been able to notice his reaction.

He hadn't brought it up though. In the past, Lee would have gone to some awkward extent to make an excuse for their closeness. He would have pushed her away. Those days really were in the past, weren't they? It had been a long time since he had done that. Yesterday, he hadn't even teased her about her stupid "Huck Finn" slip up. Gosh! She sure had been rattled by everything that had happened. And somehow Lee had covered her. Not just by overlooking her silly nonprofessional slip up, but by also trying to take ownership for so much of what had happened to mother. It was almost as if they were arguing over who was to blame more and trying so desperately to excuse the other. That whole anxious time Lee had been right there with her. He had seemed rattled too, especially when he went after those cops. She hadn't had someone care for her heart like that in a very long time.

And even when he hadn't been right there with her, she had been aware of everything he had shown her and taught her. Gosh, their connection was so real, wasn't it?! She could feel the heat building inside of her. She was going to fall for him, completely and utterly if she didn't watch out. And what was she supposed to do with that little scene outside the debriefing room this afternoon?

It had touched her so much to hear Dr. Zernoff tell her mother that she was a special lady. She really was. What other mom would leave her home and move in with her abandoned daughter to help her raise two energetic boys without a father? Dotty West was that kind of a woman, heart and soul. And she deserved to have a man think that she was special. It had made Amanda so happy to hear that. Her mother had found a bit of romance and excitement after all.

But on a more personal level, she also had ached to hear those words spoken to her. A few months ago, Allan Chamberlain had made her feel special, but it had only touched the surface because he hadn't really known her, and she knew that he had needed her more than she had needed or wanted him. But today… today, Lee had touched her deeply. Had he known that he had? Had he known that confessing to her that she scared him half to death regularly had rocked her? She had caused him fear because of his concern for her safety often, and yet, he was willing to trust her to go into danger with him over and over again? He was willing to keep training her in a dangerous job and trust her to take that training and make her own decisions even though he feared for her? And he could tell her that with that beautiful smile on his face and with that tone of voice that could so easily melt her if she didn't keep her defenses up. And if that hadn't been enough to loosen her from her business minded foundation, he had then proceeded to tell her that he thought that she was "very special." And Lee Stetson, Scarecrow, would give her that sweet kiss on the cheek and smile a shy, pleased smile. God, those dimples! How was she supposed to stay composed when he looked at her like that?

But she had to. She was pretty sure that she had kept her cool about it for the rest of the day, until now. She just couldn't let her emotions go with him, not until she knew for sure what he was up to. Every day she felt more sure of herself as an agent and as Lee's partner, and every day she felt more sure of herself as a Lee's close friend. But she just wasn't sure enough to let her heart go even though she was beginning to suspect that a closer personal relationship might actually be what Lee wanted too. What Lee wanted too? She really did want a closer personal relationship with Lee, didn't she? If he offered it, she would take the risk and step beyond their friendship and into a romance with Lee wouldn't she? As scary as that felt, she knew that she would; if he offered it, if she could be sure of him…. If.