ATTENTION PEOPLE, WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT TWO LOVEBIRDS ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER. RELEASE THE LEMONS. haha. They'll be more good stuff in the next chapter.
Chapter 29 - I'm never gonna say goodbye.
Friday, January 31st, 2020
CPOV
Ana barely slept on Wednesday night. She woke up a few times during the night. Twice from a nightmare and the once I felt her crying. I tried my best to soothe her. She wasn't the same person she normally was while getting ready in the morning. She played no music. Her eyes were empty. I saw her on the CCTV and she remained at her desk the entire day and worked late.
I'm at my desk going over documents for the new defense contract we're bidding for when Andrea calls. "Mr. Grey, Miss Steele is here to see you. She says it's urgent. You also have a meeting in 20 minutes with marketing and legal."
"That's fine Andrea, let Miss Steele through, if we run longer, tell the others to wait a bit."
Ana walks in and she's furious I can tell, she has an envelope in her hand.
She stops at my desk and proceeds to speak as calmly as she can but her words are packing a punch.
"I just got a call from my bank that GEH was trying to direct deposit $1 million dollars into my account. Care to explain?" She raises her eyebrow.
"Ana, what are you talking about?" I'm about to lose my shit now.
"There was that call from my bank and a boiler plate letter with your signature at my desk about how GEH values me. I don't need your money, God, what is it with you billionaires. Fucking throwing money at everything. MONEY is not going to fix ANYTHING." She seethes.
Wait, what? When did that happened? I look at her confused. "Are you honestly going to sit there feigning confusion? Do you really not know what goes on in your company who authorizes decisions like that?"
I get up and walk to her and stand in her face, I'm so fucking pissed at her right now. "Listen to me Anastasia, I really don't know how that happened but I suspect it was Ros, on Wednesday she did mention something along the lines of perhaps giving you a promotion and making sure you were taken care of, I didn't know she'd do it so quickly. She's the COO, she has carte blanche on decision like that."
"Tell me, would you guys give any other employee a bonus like that?"
"No other employee has been able to achieve what you have, Ana."
Ana looks away. She's slightly shivering; I can tell her she's just as mad as I am. "I can't continue to work here anymore, I'm exhausted. It's just fucking painful and I am trying to move past everything." Her voice cracks.
"Maybe if you weren't so fucking good at your job and didn't have this whole company and staff wrapped around your finger, we wouldn't be dealing with this." I bite back.
She looks back to me and falls into a fit of laughter followed by tears. I have to laugh as well. I hold her face in my hands as tears fall. "Baby, the money comes with good intention only. Ros was so fucking impressed with you. Heck, I was fucking terrified and turned on at the same time, the way you commanded that room and the deal you got us, no one could ever hold a candle to you. What GEH is giving you is a drop in the bucket compared to what you've done for us in a few short months. There's never been an employee like you. Take the money, pay off your student loans, buy that apartment you wanted, do whatever your heart desires, you deserve all that and so much more. You earned this through your hard work and incomparable intelligence." I kiss her forehead, still holding her face. I've missed her smell, the feel and taste of her skin. It's never enough.
She quietly nods. "I need to go." Ana turns to leave, tears still in her eyes.
"I'll see you tonight?" I ask her.
"Yeah I'll be there." She says with a small voice. "I love you, Ana." I call out to her. She looks back crying "I love you, Christian" her voice is lighter than a whisper and then leaves.
...
I've asked Gail to help with the dinner this evening. We had a conference call with Ana on Thursday morning and she instructed us on what to order and from where. She's recreating a bit of the menu from Kiran's Sangeet and I know it'll be spectacular, just as she is.
I choose to wear the same outfit I wore on the introductory lunch at the wedding, a deep blue suit with a cream-colored shirt and leather slip-ons. I want Ana to see me as she did when we fell in love, familiar and safe; I want her back so badly. It's a fucking rainstorm outside and it'll really killing the mood but it's fucking Seattle and it's not a Friday night unless it's a torrential downpour.
Ros, Gwen and Travis along with this wife Sandra arrive at Escala an hour before the Rahman's are due to arrive so that we can go over social graces and general topics of conversations we can and can't talk about. Ana is supposed to instruct us but she's running a few minutes late. I finish pouring wine for everyone except Gwen who goes for lemon flavored sparkling water. The elevator pings and we hear Ana's laughter as she walks in with Taylor and Sawyer who are smiling and carrying a floral centerpiece and other floral accouterments.
Ana walks into the great room heading towards the kitchen where we're all standing, coat in hand holding a tote bag.
She looks drop dead gorgeous, wearing a plain black saree, with a black blouse that's heavily embroidered in pale pinks and greens. A thin belt with a brass buckle ties the ensemble together. She looks so fucking hot. I can't stop staring at her as she walks, her heels echoing through the entire apartment. Her hair is pin straight with a middle part, eyeliner with powder pink cheeks, and natural lips. None of us deserve her.
Our eyes lock but she looks away to everyone else and smiles brightly.
"Good evening everyone!" she looks back to Taylor and Sawyer thanking them for all their help and asks them to place the floral centerpieces on the dining table and that she'll come by momentarily to set it up.
"Holy shit Steele, you don't play!" Ros exclaims and Ana hugs her and Gwen.
"Thanks Ros, you and Gwen look so beautiful! How are you doing Gwen, almost at the finish line? You got this mama!" She looks to Gwen with love.
"God Ana, I'm so ready to be done." She whines "Well I've got a treat for you!" She takes out a small box of cookies from the tote bag and hands it to Gwen and gives her wink "Ana you're a godsend, I'm so ready to divorce Ros for you right now." Ana giggles.
"Hi Mr. Travis, hi Sandra, it's so good to see you again." She smiles. "Ana, you can call me Michael, stop making sound like a old man!" She laughs and they exchange some more pleasantries.
She looks to me. "Mr. Grey, thank you for hosting this dinner." I'm momentarily lost and look to recover myself. "Thank you for agreeing to join us and please, call me Christian." She gives me a small smile and walks around the kitchen counter. I introduce her to Gail as if it were for the first time and they both take it in stride as she looks to unload the contents of the tote bag.
"What you got there Ana?" Ros asks.
"I brought some Indian sweets for dessert and Kashmiri tea for after dinner. I know for a fact that Mrs. Rahman will appreciate this, it'll remind her of home." She smiles back. It reminds me of the Sangeet and I literally want to take her right now.
After a taking out all the contents of her bag and placing them neatly aside for later, she goes to join Gail to help set up the floral arrangements and look over the ordered food. The flower arrangements she's ordered are absolutely beautiful. She's added such a touch of elegance to the whole evening, making everyone feel so cherished and special. I want her in my life for forever and I wish she'd come back to me.
Mrs. Rahman and family arrive. They are immediately all taken with Ana and excited that she too chose to wore Indian clothes to honor them. So far the night is off to a great start. Mrs. Rahman's older son, Hasan and his wife have a 9 month old baby boy, he is smitten with Ana and doesn't leave her lap as we all sit down for dinner. She's eating it up. Kissing him and playing with them, telling his parents that she's never giving him back. They love the adoration she's showing their baby.
"You know Hasan Bhai, your son is quite the flirt. Didn't even buy me dinner and is stuck to me like glue."
Hasan lets out a laugh. "Like father like son." He looks to his wife Mina and winks. "Ignore him Aana, don't worry, I'll teach Ayaan some manners, I promise." She giggles.
Mrs. Rahman's daughter Resham has brought her husband, Jonathan, who works at a hedge fund. Resham is six months pregnant. Gwen, Ros and Resham strike up quite the conversation and compare notes on their pregnancy journey.
Hasan and I talk about his latest study and his start in the field of neuroscience. I find it fascinating. Ana otherwise holds the room even with a demanding baby in tow.
After dinner we head over to the couches by the fireplace. Ana gives the baby back to his parents for a bit as she escorts Mrs. Rahman to the library to find her a spot to pray. When she returns, the baby starts to get cranky and starts wailing since it's nearing his bedtime but the only way he'll sleep is if his grandmother will sing to him. Ana offers to try knowing that Mrs. Rahman will at least be another 20 minutes with the evening prayer.
She picks up the baby and showers his faces with kisses rocking him. She walks away to the windows while he's still crying and starts singing to him, he slowly starts to quiet down and nestles his head in her neck while sucking his thumb. She walks back and forth, swaying him and singing and humming in the most angelic voice. We all watch her in awe. Her voice is low but it carries through the great room and echoes.
When I fall asleep, I feel you with me.
When I fall asleep, I feel you with me.
When I fall asleep, I feel you with me.
Till I fall asleep and you are with me.
30 days and counting, I'm going to sleep when,
I wake up, there will be me 29 more days left
When I fall asleep, I feel you with me.
When I fall asleep, I feel you with me.
When I fall asleep, I feel you with me.
Till I fall asleep and you are with me.
By the time she's done, the baby is asleep but she keeps walking and rocking him giving him light kisses on his temple as she heads back to where we're seated and having a drink.
"Thanks so much Ana, he can be really a pain sometimes, he hates it when we try to sing." Hasan tells her.
"Oh please, don't mention it, he's just tired and needed some attention; I do this with Raniapa's daughter all the time and I've been missing her so this is the next best thing." She whispers back, slowly swaying with him. Mrs. Rahman walks back in after praying and places her hand on Ana's face thanking her for treating her grandson with such love. She blushes under the praise.
"Ana, we're totally hiring you once the baby comes." Gwen declares. Ana giggles. "Deal! I can't wait to meet her!"
I can't stop staring at her. I want to be with her forever.
Ana gently transfers the baby boy to where Mrs. Rahman is seated and goes off to get tea and dessert with the help of Gail. After a while, I go to check on their status and I hear Gail talking to Ana.
"Miss Steele, how are you doing, really?" She asks with motherly concern.
"I'm just so exhausted and heartbroken Mrs. Jones." Her voice cracks. She picks up the tea cup and giggles, "Of course he has his own monogrammed china... narcissistic freak." Mrs. Jones laughs a little, "He loves you so much, Miss Steele." She puts her hand on her shoulder and Ana leans in to hug her. I walk in and Ana immediately pulls away and turns her body away as for me not to see her.
"Is there anything I can help with, ladies?" I ask, trying to break the tension. Gail gives me a knowing smile. "We're fine here Mr. Grey, Miss Steele and I will be right out."
I return to the couches with a heavy heart, wishing I could heal her and take away all her pain.
Ana and Mrs. Jones return a little while later carrying trays. "Tea and dessert time!" Ana giggles. Her eyes are red and I ache to kiss her.
She kneels on the floor at the coffee table and starts to pour tea for everyone one by one asking if they'd prefer sugar or salt, Mrs. Rahman chimes in and explains the origin of tea and how it's a winter delicacy.
She finally gets to me and asks "Salt or sugar?" her face completely impassive. "Sugar please." I say with a smile. She pours the tea, adds some sugar and hands it to me across the table. Our fingers touch, there's that charge... if she feels it she gives nothing away. This has never happened. A woman has never been able to resist me and here Ana doesn't falter for even a second. She's always in control. She has more control than me and it terrifies me.
Ana remains kneeling on the floor as she talks to Mrs. Rahman, they talk animatedly in Hindi and suddenly start singing to each other and laughing as they do.
"Oh God, this is how is starts!" Hasan laughs. "What are they singing?" I ask. "It appears my mom and Ana share the same taste in old Bollywood music. The song they're singing is an old love song." Hasan tells us. "Could you translate it for us?" Ros asks.
"Sure, it's roughly translates to 'go wherever you may want to go, your eyes will still return to find me. My voice will travel far and wide after you' It's basically a stalker song If you ask me." Hasan chuckles.
"I heard that!" Ana looks back at us deadpan and we all end up laughing.
Soon, the Rahmans' and Travis' get up to leave for the night, followed shortly by Ros and Gwen. Ana and Gwen animatedly talk about everything baby as we walk them to the elevator, Gwen suddenly pulls Ana's hand and places it on her belly. Ana gets gasps and teary-eyed "Oh god, she kicked. That is so beautiful Gwen. This feeling never gets old for me!"
She leans down to speak to Gwen's belly "Hi baby girl, I'm Ana, I can't wait to meet you."
Gwen smiles. "every time you spoke she moved. Every time I eat those amazing cookies, this demon sleeps through the night. Please make me enough to last forever!" Gwen pleads. Ana gives her the biggest hug. "Consider it done. I'll make you another batch for Monday and give them to Ros at work."
Gwen beams "THANK YOU, also let's get lunch sometime or better yet, come by our apartment, we'll binge on the new season of Insatiable!" Ana laughs and agrees.
Ana and I see wave them off to the elevator and as soon as the doors close, she turns away and walks over to pick up the dishes and take them to the kitchen. She's trying her best to avoid me as I try and help.
"Christian, please, I can do this. Go to sleep. I will clean this up as best as I can and then I'll head out."
"Just leave it Ana, Gail will take care of it in the morning."
"It's the weekend. She has enough of your shit to deal with I imagine, I'm not leaving her a dirty kitchen, the least I can do is clean up a bit after myself."
"Why are you so fucking thoughtful and stubborn?"
"How about you just stop thinking about why I am the way I am. Just leave me alone. Go focus on something or someone you can actually control." She stares at me with anger and her words cut me.
I'm so fucking pissed right now. What the fuck is her problem? Is she still pissed about the money? Fuck.
I walk away as she puts the food away and empties out the tea cups; neatly arranging them outside of the sink to be washed in the morning. I look back at her from the piano and she looks so beautiful, fully concentrating on the task at hand.
I decide to try one last thing. I have no idea if she will respond. I sit at the piano and start to play a song that I heard in her main spotify playlist she shares with everyone.
I never could admit when I was wrong, man
Even when I felt it in my bones
I always thought it meant I was a strong man
And I wondered why I was alone
That's when she stepped out of the ether
Right when I was ready for a dance
She said "I don't know what I am doing, either
But I know when to take a chance"
I never knew how to be scared
'Til I found something I knew I couldn't lose
And then a revelation trembled
From the tip of my own tongue
And like the last few boys at the Alamo
Like Cusack holding that stereo
Or what Juliet hears from Romeo
I'm never gonna say goodbye
There's not a way to someone's heart that she can't see
She lives and loves with everything she's got
My dark days showed me how to ask, "why me?"
She showed me how to ask, "why not?"
She keeps a hopeful eye upon the future
She finds a way to share that hope with me
And the few times that she's met some sort of failure
She wins a little back by laughing at defeat
I never knew what life could be
So it stands to reason why I can't go back
And now a revelation trembles
From the bottom of my heart
And like the stock exchange for the billionaires
Like the convert singing his morning prayers
Or the scientist to the polar bear
I'm never gonna say goodbye
Like those last few boys at the Alamo
Like Cusack holding that stereo
Or what Juliet hears from Romeo
I can feel my voice about to crack as I reach the end.
I'm never gonna say
Don't make me say
I'm never gonna say goodbye.
I finish and bow my head down. "You sing so beautifully Christian." Ana whispers from behind me. She's still kept a distance.
I turn back with my tears in my eyes and see her standing with her head hanging low, she's crying. I walk up to her and hold her face in my hands "Please don't make me say goodbye baby, please."
"What do you want from me Christian?" She asks, still looking down.
"I want your forgiveness, a second chance. Ana, I have only belonged to you. My heart, my soul has only been yours. It had been waiting for you. No one else matters. Please. I want us to go back to how we were."
She pulls away. "We can't go back to the way we were. It will never be the same. I'm scared. I am so scared and confused. I am barely holding on. Something keeps coming up. I have been trying so hard to come back but I keep hitting roadblocks and this is all when the world doesn't even know about us. What happens when everyone knows? Being back here right now. In the space, is painful for me, because I can only see a replay of that night in my mind and what I saw in that room. It was so hard for me to get through this dinner. I wanted to cry the entire time so I focused on Hasan and Mina's baby to get me through it but I am fucking pissed off right now.
You lied to me. You lied to me by not telling me something that affected my present and future. That put me in danger and it landed me in the hospital and led me to the dock that night. What the fuck happens if we decide to get back together and announce to the world? Then what? Will all these subs come out of the woodwork to punish you and tear me down with their dramatic tell alls? Don't you see, I lose in every situation, whether the loss is immediate or eventual, I lose. I have been losing since I was born." She's crying, half screaming at me, she looks so broken.
"Ana you said you wouldn't leave me."
"No Christian, you've pushed me away with your behavior and lack of trust. Had you told me all of this on your own rather than waiting for that sick bitch to come in here and tear me down with that unimpressed look and tell you that you'll eventually get tired of me, we would be having very different conversation right now. It astounds me that a man of your success lacks the gift of foresight in his personal life. You did NOTHING to protect me from that. You have kept me at arms length since we met. You said you needed time to tell me things and I agreed because I know trauma but now I'm out of emotional allowances. After a while that lifestyle was all your choice and that fact that you chose to hide it from me means on some deep level you were ashamed of it all. I have voluntarily told you all that I can about me. Because you're the first person since Kate that I actually want to tell everything... but it's never been reciprocated and that fucking hurts.
I have enough shit going on with my family and now to have your past come to haunt me and tear me down... people will still worship you and line up to have you whip them. Me? I'm just going to be someone they chew up and spit out for kicks. I'm all alone in the world with no bloodline to protect me. I am on my own and I'm done. So fucking done. I'm at a point where I'd rather die of heartbreak once and for all than die a little everyday for the rest of my life."
Tears continue to fall from my eyes; I can barely see her through them. Take a step towards her and fall to my knees and look up, begging. "Ana I'll do whatever it takes, please. I just need a second chance. I promise baby, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I will never lie to you again and I'll tell you everything you want to know."
She looks down in horror and cups my face in her hands. "Christian please, don't do this. Please." She drops down to her knees, crying. I take her hand and place it on my chest, I need her to know I am dead serious about this. She tries to pull her hands away but I don't let her.
"No, I only need you and your touch. I am all yours, so completely yours." I move to open my shirt and take her hand and place it on my bare chest. I close my eyes as I do so, willing myself to not feel the pain. "Christian!" she pleads crying. She pulls her hands away and throws her arms around my neck, crying uncontrollably. We hold each other. Her breathing calms down and she pulls back to look me in the eyes, I lean in to kiss her. Her lips are always so soft and warm when she's been crying. She kisses me back and our tongues explore each other, as if to apologize and make up for lost time. I get up from my knees and lift her up in my arms and walk her to the bedroom.
I set her down on the floor and she helps me take off her sari. I look at her, face illuminated by the soft glow of the city lights, standing in her black bra and panties, I take them off slowly and drop to my knees to worship her, I kiss her and lick her between her legs as her hands in my hair, pulling me back and pushing me in but she breaks the rhythm. She pulls me up and our lips find each other again. She takes off my jacket and shirt and unzips my pants and runs her hand inside of my boxers to stroke me. I've been dying to have her touch me again. "Ana baby, it's been forever, don't stop." She continues to kiss me and touch me as we moan into each other's mouths; I take her hand off of me and walk her to the bed as we continue to kiss.
I lay her down and trail kisses from lips down to her neck and finally land on her breasts. I've missed them so fucking much. I kiss and suck on them, biting every so often. She begs me to stop but I continue on. She's completely drenched as I play with her clit and she is so gloriously close. Her moans are louder and more urgent.
"Give yourself to me baby" I whisper and she comes loudly, screaming my name as I kiss her between her legs, making it more intense. It makes her arch even more and she's so beautiful this way.
I take off my pants and trail kisses up her hip and side to her breasts, heading further up to her neck. She has her eyes closed trying to calm her breathing. I kiss her lips, cheeks and eyes as I look down on her. She opens her eyes; face tear stained, and holds my face as she adjusts her body under me, throwing her legs around me, urging me.
"Ana baby, I need you so much, so fucking much." I say as I kiss her. "Love me Christian, show me how much you love me." I enter her slow, and take her mouth. My hands in hers, our fingers locked in each other as I thrust into her. It doesn't take too long till we're close. I bite her neck right under her ear and she gasps and comes around me, crying and screaming and I follow immediately "Ana baby... I love you..." It's so fucking intense.
APOV
This was not supposed to happen. I was supposed to be home and in my own bed. What the fuck am I doing? Why do I love him so much? Why do I fear him? I hate feeling like this.
This was so incredibly intense. I needed this release so badly. My body needs him. We lay in silence, breathing. His head is in my neck and he suddenly raises himself up and looks down at me, one hand holding my face at his thumb traces shapes on my cheek.
"You have such a beautiful voice and you've been hiding it from me." I say, tracing his lips.
He smiles "I'm nothing in front of you."
Tears come to my eyes and he softly kisses my lips. He pulls away and hovers over my lips, looking into my eyes. "You're everything to me Ana. I am nothing without you."
I can't help it as I throw my arms around him and cry into his neck, a loud and cathartic cry. He holds on to me for life and kisses my temple as he runs his hand in my hair.
As my crying fit subsides, he kisses my forehead and pulls me back so that we're face to face. Legs entwined as he runs his hands all over me.
"I've missed you so much. It was agony not being able to talk to you all the time, to touch you or kiss you whenever I wanted to. There were times during the day at GEH when I'd almost head down to 18th to kiss the living shit out of you but I knew you'd murder me." He says in complete seriousness.
I burst out laughing and fall into a fit. He chuckles softly and kisses my neck.
"Something amusing you Miss Steele?"
"Yes Mr. Grey, your fear of me is amusing and dare I say quite the confidence booster." I say trying to calm my laughing spell.
"Seriously though, whenever we met with Ros... you looked so beautiful, sophisticated and the way you held the conversation and the advice you gave, we'd all be so floored."
"Well, during the HR meeting, which, admit it... was such a dick move... I was angry at you Christian, I had to turn off my emotions. It's like what I said with Flynn, when I'm in a situation that isn't ideal for me, self-preservation is paramount and I will do whatever I need to do to get through it, which usually means my becoming a grade A bitch even if I'm smiling."
"Well it turned me on and put the fear of God into me all at the same time. Even after the meeting on Wednesday, Ros turned to me and said she was in love with you and now it turns out Gwen's also in love with you, you're a home wrecker, Ana." he teases.
"I'm glad I can provide so much entertainment at GEH." I roll my eyes.
"Did you just roll your eyes at me?"
"I did, and I will continue to do so, so deal with it." I giggle.
"I've missed that smart mouth and that sound." He moves to kiss me and trails more kisses down to my neck, "I've missed the feel and taste of your skin." He moves to my breasts to lick and suck on them. It throws me into a tailspin of emotions as I can't help but moan, I'm so turned on right now. Asshole knows how to work my body. I smile at the thought. I'm completely his and he is mine.
He raises head back to me. "Thank you for everything with the Rahman deal baby. You are a godsend; you have brought light to every facet in my life and made it come alive even at your own expense and I owe you everything I have for it. The way you hosted this dinner... whether it's a 10 person dinner or a 250 person wedding you make everyone feel like so cherished. You looked so beautiful tonight, you're the epitome of class and sophistication, when you walked out of the elevator I almost dropped the bottle of champagne I was so lost." He strokes my cheek and I try not to get lost in his eyes but I fail.
"Seeing you with Mrs. Rahman's grandson was the most beautiful thing, how you just took over and attended to his needs, giving his parents a break, how you sang him to sleep..." his voice cracks "I wish my birth mother had shown me that kind of love, I wish I had let Grace show me that kind of love. She did it with Mia, but I was always afraid, I didn't want to get hurt." He takes my hand and places it on his heart, skin to skin and I feel my eyes burn with tears. "You're everything I never knew I needed in this life, the realization of my deepest desires that I had suppressed. I completely isolated myself and now you're showing me all the possibilities. I am forever in your debt Ana, I will love you, worship you and protect you till my dying breath." He promises me with tears in his eyes, as if he were saying his vows. I move in close to kiss him. We get lost in each other again, lying face to face and he pushes inside of me, taking me higher and higher into a state of bliss. Our bodies perfectly in sync, it gets better each time.
CPOV
I wake up and it's still dark out. I turn and see Ana's not in bed. Did she leave? Fuck, no. Please no. I get up from the bed and see her sari is still crumpled on the floor by the door. She's definitely still here. I go into the bathroom and it's empty. I walk out to the great room and it's dark and empty but I hear the faint sounds of talking and... crying? FUCK.
I follow the sound and it leads me to the library. I see Ana curled up in the chair with her phone propped on the window sill as she facetimes with Nani. She's wearing my shirt from last night; she looks so beautiful sitting in profile, her head leaning on her knee as she stares into the phone. I hear Nani speak English for a change and I'm stunned, she sounds incredibly educated and sophisticated, a hybrid british accent, is this a thing among the older Indian women I wonder, who only speak their language on purpose to keep the rest of us guessing. I stand at the threshold to listen and watch.
"Aana, baita, remember what Allah says about Mawaddah and Rehma?" Aren't those Arabic words, I wonder? I know very basic conversational Arabic, I had to learn when we were working to land a deal in Abu Dhabi 3 years ago, which we barely got.
"Nani, he is not my husband, those concepts only apply to marriage. I do not owe him Mawaddah. Affection. and Rehma. Mercy."
"But you love him like one, don't you? You are happiest when you are with him? You see your life with him I know you do."
"We just met Nani, I don't even know if marriage is in the picture. It's all so new... I just don't know. And he's the first guy I've ever been with..." Ana's voice cracks.
"If it wasn't meant to be then it wouldn't hurt like the end of the world meri jaan." My love. Nani says knowingly.
"He lied to me... I can't explain it but I'm just scared. I don't want to get hurt. I'm tired of being hurt all the time." Her words are like a knife in my heart, she fears me when that's the opposite of what I want and intend to have her feel.
"Everybody lies even if it's to protect those we love, you think your Nana never hurt me? He fathered a child outside of our marriage and it was a mistake he apologized for till his dying day. We hurt the ones we love and if we didn't our relationships would never grow, we would never understand each other better. It hurts to grow baita. When a baby learns to walk, they must fall and cry many times to grow strong and develop their intuition. You two are learning to walk and you have to fall to grow stronger. Do you not want to be strong?"
Ana just sobs in return. The confessional floors me.
"I have lived a long life meri jaan, I know how men look at women, I can tell by their walk and how they touch a woman of their intentions. Christian loves you like no other. They way he danced with you; he was so gentle and happy to be with you. I have only seen a few men do that. Your father did that for Nita. They way he said her name, and smiled at her, wasn't it so beautiful? You must trust me when I say that Christian is that for you."
"I don't believe in forgiveness Nani, it doesn't change anything, the person still did what they did. It's another chance to let someone hurt you."
"But you believe in Rehma, in mercy? Do you believe in Allah's mercy? If He can forgive the most egregious of sins, who are we to deny others mercy. We are not perfect, you too will falter, it is only a matter of time. Even with the best of intentions Aana you will make mistakes and Christian will forgive you because he loves you." I can feel my eyes burn with tears again.
"So what then, you want me to forgive Vishaal and Akash as well for what they did to me? Show them mercy as you say? " Ana bites back. Shit. Fuck. FUCK, I am going to murder them both.
"They are of no consequence anymore. They are not worth your time. Your life is moving forward. Christian is your future, only he deserves your Mawaddah and Rehma".
"Are you saying you approve of my life of living in sin?" Ana giggles.
"It's not a sin to be in love but it is a sin to deny yourself God's blessings. Let go of the past and look to the future. We only have one life, sometimes it is very long and sometimes it is very short, whatever is meant for you both, make it worthwhile. Make more memories than regrets, meri jaan. I have seen you grow from slipping away and almost leaving this world to being so full of life and celebrating everything around you. I want the latter for you always. I don't want to leave this world knowing you did not find happiness and love." Nani starts to cry and it's gut wrenching.
"Please don't cry Nani. Please come back soon. I'm going to come over for a weekend next month when you are back. We'll go to Sedona and stay at a spa resort. I got a raise recently so I can finally afford for us to do something fancy. I'm a big girl now!" Ana giggles and she sounds so fucking adorable.
"No need for spa time. Just bring Christian with you and we can go out for dinner, I want to meet and get to know the man who is going to take care of my jaan and give me my great grand babies." She says with a smile.
"Okay hold your horses. We just met. I'll see how things are by then." She says quietly.
"They will be good InshaAllah." Nani says, matter of factly.
"InshaAllah." Ana replies.
"Now go to sleep, I know it's late there. Tell Christian I said hello and Aana baita, let life happen, as long as you both talk out your fears and desires and give our self the time and space to understand each other then you can get through anything. If I could have still tolerated your Nana after all this time, surely you can try to move past this." She laughs.
"I will try Nani, thank you for talking to me. I miss you so much these days." Ana's voice cracks again.
"I will back soon, InshaAllah. Sada khush raho meri jaan, Khuda Hafiz." She says
(with god's grace, may you always be happy my love)
"InshaAllah, I love you, Khuda hafiz." In god's protection. Ana says and hangs up the phone. She continues to sob with face in her hands. I want to so desperately to hold her but I need to give her space and privacy. I don't want to hover over her. She picks up her phone off of the sill and goes through it. She starts to play a video and I can Ray's voice, she's watching a video about Ray teaching her how to ride a bike from the sounds of it. A warm light from the phone illuminates her face.
"Annie, you got this baby girl, remember, trust yourself, you can do anything. You're my girl of Steele."
I can hear Ana as she giggles and whines in the video "I'm trying dad but you need to buy me ice-cream after this."
I see her wipe tears from her face and laugh. My heart aches for her. I turn to walk back to the bedroom and lie back down. I lay awake, waiting for her to return. She comes back after a while and I hear her pick up her sari from the floor and place it on the chair after folding it. She climbs into the bed and clings to the edge pulling the duvet over her, the distance is too much. I pull her close to me, her back to my front. I turn her face to me and she looks up with tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry Ana, I love you."
"I'm sorry too and I love you, Christian." she says as her voice cracks and she turns her face away. I hold her tight and kiss her neck till we fall asleep.
(to be continued)
Authors note: They're back together and I promise they'll have a good weekend but there is still the topic of the playroom that has to be addressed...
A few notes:
First off, NANI COMING IN FOR THE RESCUE. Mawaddah means affection and Rehma means mercy. These are islamic concepts that apply to marriage that it is your responsibbility to show your spouse affection and mercy because they deserve it. Every good marriage has an abundance of both.
Meri jaan means my love
baita means child.
Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 25-27-28-29 board :)
Music:
And Counting... - Lights
Never Gonna Say Goodbye - Dawes.
