I didn't do much the first night with Annabeth except answer her every whim, despite the pain I was in. She was a fussy little girl and cried, notwithstanding being burped, fed and changed every hour or so. While it's been told time and again that babies could not be coddled, I could not help but keep her crying stilled and watch her, without having to deal with the separation. It got to the point where, by dawn, Hawkeye threatened to sleep in the living room and Dad had to tell me to leave her in the bassinet or else he was taking her for the next night so she could cry out in peace.
It didn't get much better afterward. By the time the sun was up, everybody wanted to meet her. Hawkeye purposely kept the first day to ourselves and the anxious circle agreed. Now, we had to introduce Annabeth to our other family. It was going to be an ordeal.
I decided that it was best that I initially remained in bed. I was in so much agony from being up all night that I wasn't up to walking up and down the stairs and greeting our company. However, I wasn't allowed to bar anybody from taking a gander at Annabeth either…with their limited time. Nobody was allowed to stay in the bedroom for hours on end. Only ten minutes max had been allotted to each person and/or family.
This is where Dad came in. He stood at his station at the door and directed traffic. He timed each visit and announced when one person could come in and when they had to leave. He knew he had to or else there will be arguments that were not necessary.
Luckily, after breakfast with Annabeth and Shannon in the bed, my first visitor was Mrs. Pettigrew. She didn't drag Larry this time (although she mentioned he will stop in when Annabeth was a few weeks older because his new girlfriend loved the children). She hobbled on her cane and sat next to me with outstretched arms. While Shannon ignored her and continued to play with her toys next to me, Mrs. Pettigrew commented on my daughters' beauty. As she continued to marvel at Shannon's growth, she took Annabeth into her arms and cooed.
"She looks so much like you," Mrs. Pettigrew observed. She tossed some of the dark brown hair to one side. "I'm sure her eyes will change color soon."
"Shannon's was the same way when she was born," I recalled. The memory of that night squeezed my heart and tore it into pieces. I kept it together though. "I think they'll be grey, like mine."
Mrs. Pettigrew nodded. Taking a deep breath, she added, "Hawkeye is very proud of you. I can see that."
"It was very scary," I recounted. Then, I stopped. There was so much I wanted to talk about, even if it was silly and nonsensical, but it could wait. "But we made it," I added lamely. "Life can't be better than this."
"I can't believe they allowed you to name her after the children's grandmother," she blurted out randomly. "How did you get away with it?" By then, she was laughing.
I took Annabeth back because the shaking was upsetting her. I waited until Mrs. Pettigrew calmed herself before answering. "I wanted to. It sounded right."
"How much did Hawkeye tell you? I am sure he skimmed through the good details. And they told you that she is no longer with us?"
"Enough was said. I know that she was a sad woman. She lost her family and she lived here until she died."
"Did you know she and Daniel got into many arguments? That they almost separated?"
"I wasn't told of anything negative like that. I think these things tend to keep behind closed doors."
"Well, it's the truth. It's the lost who are attracted to each other. But it also means that they're defensive, selfish and touchy. I am glad some can work through their problems."
The thought was chilling and it cast a dark pallor in the room. "I hope it does not happen again."
"Oh, no, no, of course not." Mrs. Pettigrew leaned in and kissed Annabeth on the forehead. "This is a new generation. They will understand better and hopefully learn from the mistakes of the past. Let this Annabeth be brighter."
I conceded with the sentiments. Mrs. Pettigrew left it there and chatted inanely until she (and not Dad) allowed the next set to come in. It was Radar and his mother. The same motions were repeated. Mrs. O'Reilly had to sternly direct Radar on how to hold a baby, despite the knowledge he gained in Korea. Even so, she was fussing and making noise about nothing. The noise was enough that Klinger and Soon-Lee dropped in (with Dad's permission), to make sure things were ok.
"Take it outside," I said immediately. I saw the argument in Klinger's eyes.
"Aww, Jeanie, I wouldn't start anything." Klinger peered at Annabeth over Radar's shoulder. He was planning something too. "She's a beauty, like her sister and mother. I think she'll be short and thin, like you."
"No, she isn't inheriting your dresses from the Army," I declared when I noted the mischievous undertone in the statement. "Save it for your own daughter."
The scheme disappeared out of Klinger's eyes. "Oh, I don't know." Klinger put his hands behind his back and shuffled his feet. "I have enough trouble, Jeanie. I think Soon-Lee would like a son more than a daughter."
"Son can inherit," Soon-Lee reiterated stubbornly. It sounded like an argument they recently had. "Daughter bring honor to the family."
The mention of a daughter brought sudden tears to Mrs. O'Reilly's eyes. With a pang in my stomach, I remembered vaguely that Radar mentioned he had a little sister once upon a time, but she died shortly after his father had. He never told anybody what happened to her and why. All we knew was that she was there and then, she was gone.
Without managing another word about the children, Mrs. O'Reilly excused herself and grabbed Radar by the collar. Sensing something off, he too decided to leave. He almost left with Annabeth, but managed to bring her back to me when he realized his mistake. He apologized quickly and was off.
Klinger took his place. As soon as the baby was in his arms though, Annabeth was crying hysterically. Klinger tried laughing it off and thought it was the hair that scared her. When the volume increased, he began checking her diaper. Nothing was filled or dirtied. He put a hairy knuckle in her mouth. She wasn't hungry. He put her to his shoulder and tried burping her. There was no gas. Soon-Lee even tried everything and did not succeed, placing responsibility back with Klinger.
"Let me see," Shannon said. She stopped coloring and reached for her sister. "I'll help Abee." She crawled right into Klinger's lap.
"Ahh, don't you think your mom should help?" Klinger insisted. He pulled Annabeth out of the way, above Shannon's head. "I mean, it's pretty dangerous."
"No, it is fine," I reassured him. I reached for Annabeth and managed to get her back. "I'll help her, Klinger. Do me a favor and get a camera."
Soon-Lee dashed out before Klinger did. He followed her. For a few precious moments, I was alone with my daughters. It was pretty easy to arrange the three of us. I moved Annabeth up so Shannon could sit in my lap. Once she was settled, Annabeth was in Shannon's capable hands. While I held her head for support, Shannon did the rest. She told her sister that everything was ok and that she was there. She even pretended to be a mother and went through the same routine Klinger had.
By the time Soon-Lee and Klinger returned, the scene was peaceful. Annabeth was making muffled content noises at her sister while Shannon continued to talk nonsense. Klinger was relieved. He took the camera from Soon-Lee and snapped a few photographs. They came out of the machine and were laid on my nightstand to develop.
"We'll be back to say goodbye later," Klinger reassured me.
While it had been overwhelming to have so many people crowd around me, it dawned on me that we were going to be alone again. Alarmed, I realized that everyone was leaving in a few days. The reunion was ending as soon as it started.
Klinger noted my sudden change and patted my hand in lieu of hugging me. "It'll be ok, Jeanie. We'll visit again. I love it up here. It's so peaceful and quiet. Now, I understand why Hawkeye loves it so much."
I nodded. "Me too. Me too."
Dad yelled at Soon-Lee and Klinger that their time was up and BJ, Peg and Erin were waiting for their turn. Klinger shrugged his shoulders and kissed my forehead. He copied the same motions for the girls. Soon-Lee said her goodbyes in the same manner. As soon as they left though, there was a bounce on the bed. Erin had jumped right on.
Peg popped in her head. "I'm sorry, Jeanie. I told her not to."
I had managed to keep all of the girls stationary. "It's ok. I'm sure she can't help it."
"Let me see," Erin demanded.
Shannon was protective of Annabeth and tightened her grip. "My sister."
"Oh, Jesus," BJ swore under his breath.
I showed Erin once Shannon decided to share. "See? This is Annabeth, Shannon's baby sister."
Erin wanted to hold the baby. Luckily, Peg and BJ vetoed the idea. They managed (after some arguing with the two young girls) to get them off of the bed and playing in another corner. BJ took Annabeth from me and held her for a few minutes. Then, Peg cradled her. The look of pure love that passed between them melted my heart. They too were anxious for their new baby. What it will entail will be another matter altogether.
Peg didn't want to return Annabeth. BJ had to pry the baby out of her arms and give her back to me. However, she did remind herself that there were two little girls who were asking about having a tea party, right in my bedroom. As I sighed and obliged this request (hoping to keep at least three people busy), I watched the action. BJ huffed and puffed his way up and down the stairs, grabbing every piece he knew to be used, and constructed the area in such a manner that made it comical. He exaggerated the building to such an extent that Shannon and Erin were laughing.
Once things settled down, he rejoined me. Peg opted to sit back and remain a matron of the newly-established teahouse. She didn't elaborate any further details. BJ only snickered and commented about geishas.
"What was that?" Peg asked BJ.
"Oh, nothing important," BJ replied innocently.
Peg left it there. The tone didn't leave much room for discussion anyway. She looked the other way and continued the activities with the girls. While this did not count for time spent with Annabeth, BJ sprang right in and occupied the slot.
"'My sun sets to rise again,'" he began.
"Oh, we're going this route again?" I was prepared. "Ahem. 'She died – this was the way she died; And when her breath was done, took up her simple wardrobe and started for the sun. Her little figure at the gate the angels must have spied, since I could never find her upon the mortal side.'"
"Emily Dickinson? We must have had time to read. 'I am dead because I lack desire. I lack desire because I think I possess. I think I possess because I do not try to give. In trying to give, you see that you have nothing. Seeing that you have nothing, you try to give of yourself. Trying to give of yourself, you see that you are nothing. Seeing that you are nothing, you desire to become. In desiring to become, you begin to live.'"
"'My mother groaned, my father wept, into the dangerous world I leapt.'"
"I am sure you feel a connection to what happened to you."
The sudden change in conversation caught me off-guard. I didn't mean to parallel my life to William Blake, most certainly. While the poem itself did speak of the nurturing of children and how sometimes, childbirth and raising children was dangerous and joyless, it did not mean that I was thinking of the past. While depression always plagued me, I wished to dive a little more into the future.
I shook the thought of my parents to one side. "No. It just came to mind."
BJ nodded like he understood, but that he thought otherwise. "Well, Annabeth looks like you."
"So everybody has told me." I groaned.
BJ directed upward with his pointing finger, as if to make a point himself. "'Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.'"
"'You become,'" Peg chimed in from her corner. "'It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and your get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.'"
"I think she's catching on," I said.
"I also think Erin has been read that story too many times," BJ countered.
"Well, it's like Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said."
"Oh? Which verse?"
"'For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.'"
BJ tried responding, but Dad cut him off and called out that their time was up (and was soon arguing with someone to back off). Hawkeye wanted me to be left alone for a few minutes anyway. He entered just when Peg was gathering Erin and bidding the hostess (Shannon) a fond farewell. He motioned that Erin can stay with Shannon and we got them covered this time. But before Hawkeye could continue with his insane planning, Margaret shoved herself in.
Dad was in the doorway, shrugging his shoulders as Hawkeye glared at him viciously. "I tried."
"You can't keep me away." Margaret cleared Hawkeye and BJ out of the way with her outstretched arm and practically jumped on the bed. She grabbed Annabeth from me so fast that I didn't have time to react and soon gushed complete excitement. "Ooohhh, look at her! She's so beautiful!"
All of us exchanges glances with each other. Margaret continued to talk with the baby like none of us were watching her in a cross between amazement, incredulousness and outrage. Nobody made a move though. It was like Margaret created the scene of complete silence and shock and maintained it enough that we could not break her spell.
Eventually, one of us snapped. It was Hawkeye. He waited patiently until there was a lull in Margaret's cooing. Then, he managed to slip his arms between hers and take Annabeth away. As soon as he did, BJ acted. He grabbed Margaret by the shoulders and escorted her out. As Hawkeye handed Annabeth back to me, BJ wiped his hands together, almost like he was cleaning himself of dirt, and stood in the doorway like a guard.
"I think it's time for some pushback," Hawkeye announced.
"And she's the first example," BJ added.
"Quite right, Watson," Hawkeye continued. He warmed up the game. "Let's say that the mystery lies in the yellow pudding. We shall wait and see if it explodes."
They were right (despite the jokes about Margaret's blonde hair being similar to vanilla pudding). It didn't take long for Margaret to try again. By then (and very luckily), Trapper was right behind her. Just as BJ and Peg left, she tried sneaking back in to take Annabeth. From the rear (and bypassing my father-in-law), Trapper grabbed her by the hips. Swinging her forward, he had her face-to-face with him and soon was landing a wet one right on her hot little lips.
We all watched this scene with amusement from all angles. I had to lay the baby on the bed just to laugh, it was so funny. Hawkeye and BJ were in hysterics. Peg didn't know what to make of it, but covered her mouth to hide her snickers. Dad was leaning against the outside wall, laughing. Trapper even got some enjoyment of it, trying to spit out the kiss to bend over.
"Tuncle got Auntie Margaret!" Shannon was excited.
Margaret was not happy. Angered and foiled, she slapped Trapper across the face and stormed off. I heard her screaming something wordless, but I didn't catch it. Keith was nearby and seemed to have headed her off at the pass. He quieted her down quickly at the stairs and took her downstairs.
~00~
July 29, 1954
Crabapple Cove, Maine
Who am I really? Am I just so happy that I forget who I was and what used to be? Am I so sucked into my life here that days blur into one endless season and continue onward?
These questions continue to plague me. Well, they don't bother me really. I just keep exploring a new skin and pick at the scabs that heal over. Motherhood was a bit of a mystery when I came home and it hurt me time and again. Now, I have a new baby and it's a whole different ballfield. I don't even know where to begin! I have so many scattered thoughts, so I will be brief.
It's been some time since the last visitors sadly left Crabapple Cove and the help we craved disappeared. It had been a wonderful month with all of the people who served with us. But now, in the quiet of our small town and the routine we established, life has to go on. I had to learn who I am. I am not some person who used to play with her mother's disillusions. I am a mother myself, to two little girls who depend on me daily.
I am so busy that I keep forgetting about the one thing that has driven me insane: Korea. Sometimes, those dreams creep in. When Annabeth allows me to sleep for a few hours, it's there. I am camping out in the Swamp. We are running from bombs. There's a sniper in the compound. The wounded are more than what we can handle.
Then, when the slumber world fades away, the waking one takes its place. And there is a crying baby or a small child, opening their mouths and arms to me. I don't have time to think about myself anymore, with all of the tears I've had to wipe away. Oh, and it doesn't include a father-in-law and a husband either! They are just as bad.
I am stubborn. I didn't like being confine to bed and chose to remain downstairs. I knew that Hawkeye and Dad needed sleep and Shannon didn't need a baby to keep her awake at night. It was easier to settle in the living room. That way, I could get up and not be rushing through flights of stairs, baskets of diapers and a husband who likes to play while I am feeding.
I am so busy here that I had to think for myself, to make time for myself. But that is usually fixed. Mrs. Pettigrew offered to take walks with me, to get my strength back up. We usually walk the neighborhood with the girls. Sometimes, she and I will go to the store or to the bank. That is when we find a bus and rest our feet.
Shannon is beginning to tolerate Mrs. Pettigrew again. She doesn't talk to the woman, but heeds her orders. She tries to behave and not call her names. This relieves me. I want the past to remain there. I can only think of happy moments.
Oh, there is Annabeth again. I took her into my room, away from Hawkeye, and she likes it here. Only, it's one in the morning and she wants to be rocked. I shall write later.
