13
Window Reflections
Fast Food for Thought
"Some time and dinner and a very special bottle of wine?" She wasn't sure if the chills that she felt running up and down her spine were from memories of the freezer or if they were in response to the nerves and the hot sensation she could feel building in her gut when she thought of the look in Lee's eyes as he described his cure for those chills. What did he mean by "some time" and inviting her over for dinner and a special bottle of wine at his apartment? Was that a line like the field experience one that he had tried to use on her the other night at the Fox Run Hotel or was it a genuine invitation to spend some more time together outside of work? Or maybe it was some odd Lee Stetson combination of the two? There were still too many questions floating through her mind, and she was determined to try to push them all to the side and focus on the most pressing one at that moment; what to wear tonight for dinner with Lee? She wanted to look nice. A part of her wanted to knock his socks off, but the other part of her didn't want him to know that she was thinking that way. That part of her still wanted to just be good ol' Amanda and not rock the boat of their relationship at all. Why was she struggling so hard to just go with the flow tonight?
Going with the flow had worked well for her up until now. Even as they drove together to the Marvelous Marvin's conference, she had been able to keep herself from getting bogged down with concerns over the details of their cover while she waited for Lee to explain how they would proceed. Someday maybe they would learn to discuss a plan before the time came to employ it, but she hadn't wanted to make a fuss about their cover. She did want to put down a few guidelines however. She had promised herself that there would be no repeats of that disastrous first weekend assignment at the Cumberland, and this time she really couldn't squelch the excitement she felt about working an overnight case with him. But, boy oh boy, she had been nervous too, after all it really did feel like things were changing between them, and she couldn't stop the varied thoughts of what that weekend could contain. But brother and sister?! Never had she considered that Lee would come up with a cover like that. Well, it sure had solved all of her concerns about sharing a room together, but she wasn't sure how to read him for a while after that. Of course the easiest thing was to just throw herself completely into the case they were working on because she was determined that Lee and everyone else would consider her to be as professional as she herself was determined to be. There was no way she was going to let those pesky feelings for Lee Stetson mess that up.
It was odd how much she could believe in Lee, but when it came down to this moment, she wasn't sure of him… or of herself. Did he just want them to be great friends and partners at work? Did he think of their relationship as a cozy brother sister type, or did he want something more? For goodness sake, he had made a lousy pass at her the other night, hadn't he? "Field experience!?" And that comment coming from Lee right after Francine's stupid quip hadn't helped set the mood either. Was she just another woman with him out in the field? Or was there really something special and unique between them? That was the annoying fearful voice that kept messing with her tonight. He had changed so much, he must have. He accepted her help now freely like when they were searching Marvin's office. He had complimented her work so naturally the other day after that tour of the plant, and it sure had sounded as if he was genuinely pleased with having her as his partner then, there didn't seem to be strings attached. Did he really care for her more than just because she was his charge in the world of spies and international intrigue? Did he really want to have a closer relationship with her like she had been beginning to believe he did? Maybe he was as nervous as she was about it? Maybe Lee Stetson wasn't as suave as he tried to make others believe he was. After all, that was what she had suspected to be true of him from the start wasn't it? She had always thought that Lee really had been a lonely man looking for real friendship and connection but too scared to let himself get close to anyone. That was why his friendship with her was so special to her, and that was why she was so nervous to let anything harm it. Maybe he didn't really know how to handle any new steps towards something more with her and so he flubbed it that night at the hotel. She felt bad when she thought of it like that; she had felt disappointed about it then too. She had invited him in for a cup of coffee hoping to let him know that it wasn't him she had side stepped, just his reference to old ways. Maybe the kind of relationship they could have together was totally new to him. It sure was new to her. His invite for tonight had flustered her, but a cure for her chills sounded a lot nicer than him sharing his old field experience, and so she was willing to go for it.
Francine's interruptions and comments hadn't helped very much. It had been so uncomfortable the minute she had waltzed into Lee's hotel room while he and Amanda had been going over the case. She had already been fighting her nerves about being alone with Lee in his room. And then Francine had blown in with her annoying comments about how cozy things looked in that one room with one bed. And she just had to make that jab about how times must have changed because Lee had booked them in two separate rooms. Oooo, sometimes she just wanted to give Francine a piece of her mind. She could have she supposed, while they were in the freezer together. She had tried a bit to talk to her about things, apologizing for being rude. Well it seemed to be the right thing to do if they were going to freeze together. Really, being stuck in a life threatening situation was a good way to get to know a person. It just stripped away any of those hard top layers.
She had always assumed that Francine must have had secret hurts and disappointments that made her prickly because, well, everyone had secret hurts, even herself. And Francine was especially prickly. Actually, trying to find a way to not yell at each other so much that they used up all of the oxygen had been a lot like working with Lee in those early days. And really, Francine must be a lot like Lee was. "People leave," she had blurted out. It was the fear of being left alone that made trusting others so hard, wasn't it? She didn't know what Francine's story was, but she could understand better now why she was the way she was. She knew that it was a similar fear that had so often closed Lee down in the past, and she knew that the fear of being left alone all over again if she opened her heart to someone new was what was knotting her up inside right now.
Well, maybe that box of chocolates would begin to melt the ice with Francine. And maybe this dinner invite and all of the other "no shop talk" dinners she and Lee had been having were forging a bridge for both of them to trust each other more. She was pretty sure they had created a good path in their partnership. People can change and grow; she was sure of that because she knew she had changed too. Carla hadn't believed her when she said that she was just a housewife. If the bad guy thought that she really was a spy, maybe it was true that she really had accomplished becoming a spy in her own right, not just because she was standing beside Lee. Maybe she just needed to fully accept this new view of herself. Francine had chided her in the freezer for being so dependent on Lee. It was true, in the beginning, she had seen Lee as some mythical knight in shining armor, but she now knew that he was a caring person committed to her safety. She understood this now, especially after his confession while they stood outside her mother's debriefing session about how often he was scared for her, how much it cost him, even emotionally, to protect her, and yet, he kept giving her opportunities to stand on her own. He had left her with Marvin this time knowing full well that something could happen. At first, when she heard Francine's comments about Lee rushing to her rescue and not being able to trust other people, she had those old feelings of being a burden to Lee flood over her. But so much had changed now; he treated her more as a partner now. They had counted the costs and they trusted each other and allowed each other to be responsible with each other's lives. She thought that they really had become a team. Thinking of the sound of Lee's voice calling to her as she sunk into that frozen stupor and drawing her out of it warmed her. True he had rescued her, but it had been just like she had done for him. That was mutual trust and relationship. Couldn't she try to step out further in that with Lee? True, people leave; Joe had left and Amanda had learned how to create a life alone. But what if love and relationship were calling to her? She shouldn't freeze her heart with a self-protective prejudice because of Lee's past. Should she make him jump through hurdles to prove to her that he had changed? She had never done that in the past; she had always just tried to get to know the real Lee Stetson and hadn't judged him. And now it seemed like he wanted to draw her even closer. Her own responses actually surprised her, maybe she didn't know herself as much as she thought that she did. He had self-protective fears that he had clung too, maybe she did too.
This was scarier than she had thought, but it really could be worth it if she wasn't so plagued with doubts about his real intentions. Why couldn't she just go with the flow better? Ugh, if only she could get a little bit more information from him that would give her something to hang her hat on about his sincerity about her. If only Francine's barbs about his past didn't cling to her so much right now.
Oh, she had to stop this crazy thinking! Just like when she was scared in the freezer and couldn't stop talking, now she couldn't stop thinking. Finally calming her racing mind down, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She realized that the whole time she had been caught up in her thoughts she had actually picked out a comfortable but flattering outfit and was actually looking quite nice. There didn't appear to be any sign on her face of the anxiety and apprehension that she had just let herself indulge in, and the idea of spending a leisurely evening at Lee's just having dinner and a special bottle of wine was something that she was looking forward to. She could just enjoy being with him because they really did have a very nice friendship. It would be like the laugh they had shared with each other over Francine's chocolates. And that made all of the tension flee. It was a good thing too because if she didn't leave now, she would be late. Time… some time… a memory of her own voice floated through her head, "Lee, we're talking about love. And when you're talking about love you have to be patient." Was that really what this was…? "It will take some time" Lee had said today when he had invited her to dinner. Well, she had better not be late. And she turned from her reflection and headed out the door.
