14

Scotch Thoughts

Playing for Keeps

He had probably used more of a determined shove than necessary to put the cork back into the scotch bottle, but the forceful shoottle, but it itaction had let the last of his frustrations out. At least he was home again instead of trying to weasel in on the good side of one or another of the cranky females he'd been around all weekend in order to protect her or work with her or side step her. He really had had enough of Tina and Donna and even Francine. All he had wanted to do tonight was see Amanda in person and have some more of the companionable conversation he had become accustomed to sharing with her. He had sped home and filed his report at the Agency with a speed that would either have Billy questioning if he had filled it our properly or raise his bosses expectations on the turnaround time of future reports. He was sure he had done an ample job on it, but all he really wanted to do was to put the lid on the case and get to Amanda's. By the time he had finally gotten to Arlington it was well into the evening and all of the windows in her house were dark. He had parked his car and worked his way along the clandestine route he always took to her back door to see if she was still on her family room couch. She was there. He could see her sound asleep snuggled on the couch. He had remained outside the French doors for a minute considering whether or not using his lock pick and opening the door was a good idea. She looked so beautiful and peaceful laying there with a sweet smile on her relaxed face that he decided to let her be. He would have to just content himself with the fact that he would probably see her tomorrow and went home. He really had missed her.

He had been looking forward to being able to have more time with her. The "prescription for warmth dinner" the other night had been completely enjoyable despite the rebellious nerves that had assaulted him as he had prepared for it. Whenever he was with her conversation just flowed easily. They had talked about their families and childhoods. They had laughed at each other and had listened to each other and somehow it seemed like they had only scratched the surface. Nothing else had happened though. He had discovered that connecting with Amanda like that was more enjoyable and fulfilling than anything he had ever done while being alone with a woman before. A couple of times he had considered putting his arm around her or trying to kiss her, but it had never seemed like the right timing, and he knew instinctively that if the moment wasn't just right and it appeared that he was stealing a kiss or making a move on her, it could back fire on him. More than anything he was scared of ruining what they did have together by charging forward and doing something their relationship wasn't ready for. He didn't want to ruin something special by rushing anything. As satisfying as that evening had been he wanted more and Billy's suggestion that he take Amanda to the Shenandoah Tennis Club as his partner on this last case sounded great!

But she had been sick when he had called to ask her, and boy, had he missed her during this case. There was a time, a few years ago, when being out in the field with Francine was an enjoyable and stimulating experience. They would egg each other on with their own special brand of flirtatious competition, all in good fun. But this time working with Francine had been an adjustment for him. In fact he felt as if he had floundered around for the first few hours trying to figure out how to operate without Amanda as his partner. During the drive out his mind had been more focused on a couch in the family room of a quaint suburban home in Arlington than on planning his approach for the case. He definitely didn't want Amanda to be upset that she couldn't help him, and he really didn't want her to think he was going to have a load of fun without her there. So why couldn't he just tell her that? Why couldn't he talk about anything other than the case with her when he had called her?

And Francine had driven him crazy! What was she thinking when she had taken the phone away from him the first time he had called Amanda from the Tennis Club? Maybe Amanda had really gotten under her skin while they froze together in that freezer? Francine had always pushed people away; he had seen her do it over and over. In fact he had taken cues from her early on; they had done it to each other. But she didn't have to go meddling between him and Amanda! They hadn't been dancing! That party had been the perfect opportunity for him to get a chance and call Amanda. He couldn't forget the look on Francine's face though when he had told her to knock it off. Did she know that he wasn't just calling his partner to bring her up to speed and get her take on the case? He had told her she was blowing his whole gig - his gig? Francine must think that he was up to his old habits and moving in on Amanda! Ah well, she would never understand! He was sure the woman was completely confused now. Who cares? What he had needed to figure out was the case and how to get that short tone out of Amanda's voice.

What was extremely clear to him as a result of that tedious weekend assignment was that he had become a one-partner agent. He had become one side of a two-sided coin and working with anyone other than Amanda took a period of adjustment. He had gotten comfortably used to Amanda's habits and instincts and it had changed the way he went about working a case. Nothing was the same without her. It had changed more than that. He wasn't the same without her.

He wasn't sure if being a one-partner agent was going to be an asset or a problem, but he was willing to accept it as true. Had he also become a one woman man? He let his sip of scotch roll around in his mouth tasting its rich flavors much in the same way he let this last question roll around in his thoughts. He had used a "wife" to get out of a tight spot with Tracy Austin. That had never popped into his head before. And he couldn't stop wondering and even admiring the decision Tina and Tony had made to marry even though they knew they would encounter opposition. He wouldn't have understood them even a year ago. He would have wondered why they would have gone to such an extent, why wouldn't an affair have been enough to suit their needs to be together. Could it be that marriage was that compelling when you found the person you couldn't bear to live without?

Was that the kind of connection he was longing for with Amanda? He could feel his heart reaching towards her over the phone line. He wanted her to know how much he missed her, how much he noticed how her uniqueness had become so necessary in his life. But even then he hadn't been able to say "I missed you". She'd had to say it for him. And hearing her say it had made that crazy toe-melting warmth rush through him. That tender moment after she had spoken the words that his heart had longed to say had been a moment of deepest connection for him. He had never felt that connected to another before. And as much as he was discovering connection was a wonderful thing, it also made him feel so insecure. He knew that the phone line between them was the only reason he had been able to speak words even as simple as those. Would he ever be able to break through that barrier of insecurity that was beginning to make him feel trapped? Would his need for Amanda to be a part of his life outweigh his fear of losing her like he had lost everyone else? He didn't have to answer that tonight. But the fact that he was asking meant maybe he wasn't ready. Would he ever be willing to risk it all like Tina and Tony had just to be together? What if he never was? Could he ever offer anything less to Amanda?