Honestly, I thought about marking this story as discontinued. I'm in the same age group as the DD, and therefore I can no longer relate to school life anymore. That being said, this is still my most popular story, and I still get reviews and messages about it to this day. I want to say that I really, really appreciate each and every single one. It has been over four years since I last even looked at this story, so I felt like I should reread it to remind myself what is happening. For the sake of not procrastinating any longer, however, I decided to just expand on what I had already written and upload it as-is. I may go back in the future to clean up the plot, but for now, here's Chapter 31 as I had originally envisioned it at whatever age I was when I wrote it. Thank you to everyone who has stuck through. I'm so sorry it has taken so long.
A Losing Game
Chapter 31
He cricked his neck, arms stretched over his shoulders as he finished warming up. It was a beautiful autumn day—perfect for a run. Taking one last gulp of water and cramming his feet inside his trainers, he opened the door, jumping slightly when he saw Sora standing before him.
She looked startled too, taking a step back instinctively.
He wiggled his way out of the flat, closing the door behind him so his parents and sister wouldn't see or hear. Sora had mostly been ignoring him since his outburst, so it was a surprise that she had willingly come over.
"Nice timing," he greeted.
She looked down to avoid his eye contact. "I've been here for a while."
He zipped up the light jacket he had put on. "I'm about to go for a run. Do you want to go with me?"
He eyed her dress and saw she was in no attire to join him.
"I broke up with Matt."
His initial reaction was delight, and he found it difficult to hide the emotion until he saw the look on her shame-stricken face. Her eyes were still pointed at her feet, but the distinction in her expression was clear.
"I'm sorry," he said.
She finally looked up, glaring. "No, you aren't! It's all your fault, Tai!"
Her tone had no effect on him, he choosing to focus on her words instead. "Why? Did you break up with him because of me?"
He knew he was being insensitive, but he had to know.
He knew he had done wrong when her eyes started to glaze over.
"I'm sorry," he blurted clumsily. "I shouldn't have said that. You're sad. I'm sorry."
"I hate you," she said, her voice higher pitched than normal. "How can you be so stupid, Tai?!"
He didn't answer, pressing his lips together tightly so he wouldn't say anything else. She turned around so she couldn't see her face, dabbing her eyes on her sleeve.
He hated himself for being upset that breaking up with Matt had this sort of effect on her. He supposed they had dated for a few months, but the fact that she seemed to have truly cared for him in some way felt like another slap in the face.
He knew he was being selfish. He reached out his arm, offering his towel.
"It's clean," he assured her.
"I don't want that," she said, swatting his hand away, once again rubbing her eyes against her sleeve.
"Did you eat?" he asked.
She shook her head slowly, finally looking at him.
He threw his towel around his neck. "Let's get breakfast then. Food always makes me feel better."
She could feel him staring at him, but she pretended not to notice, focused on the toast that she didn't have the appetite to eat.
He too hadn't really touched his plate, too busy watching her, trying to analyse what all of this meant. He didn't understand why she would choose to come to him only to refuse to say anything.
It was when the waiter asked if something was wrong with their orders that they finally started eating.
He was confused, and he couldn't take it anymore. He knew he should hold his tongue, but he had never been good at that.
"So what does this mean for us?"
She didn't answer, but he could see the instant misery that spread across her face.
He wished he had been more sensitive.
"Sorry, I'm being selfish again, aren't I?" he mumbled. "Is your food good?"
"I'm not thinking about you yet," she said.
He knew she only said it because she was annoyed with him, so he nodded okay.
"Sorry," he apologised again. "Come on, let's do something to cheer you up. Food obviously isn't working. What about the cinema? We can watch something funny."
"I don't feel like watching anything."
"A walk? Fresh air is always good, and it's a beautiful day."
"I'm wearing heels."
He looked outside the window of the restaurant to see the bay. "How about a boat ride?"
She followed his line of sight, where the sparkling blue of the water tantalised her.
"We can take the cruise!" he exclaimed, excited he was making some progress. "We can go to Asakusa, go to the temple or sit along the water…" He searched her face for a clue. "What do you think?"
She looked back down at her toast, picking at it.
When she had first told him the news, he had been elated. He had felt she had told him so that he could know she was now available.
Seeing her in her current state, however, brought him back to reality. No matter how much he wished it weren't true, she had cared for Matt and was sad to have lost him, even if it was on her own accord.
"Please don't be so miserable."
He had tried to refrain himself from saying that to her, not wanting to bring attention to her emotions but unable to do so. He hadn't seen her look so unhappy in years.
How long had he hoped for them to break up, only to find that the very event he had been hoping for would result in an emotion as upsetting as what he currently saw.
For a moment, he was tempted to tell her to get back together with him, if that was what it took to get her to stop looking this way. He couldn't, knowing he wouldn't have actually meant it.
She punctured the yolk of her egg, letting it mix with her toast but making no effort to actually eat any more of it.
"I'm sorry I'm wasting your time right now," she said finally.
"No!" he refuted loudly. "You aren't. I just…" He searched for the right words and fell short.
"You wanted to go for a run."
"I can run anytime." He winced. "Sora, I don't know what to do or say. I'm not good at being comforting. You know I'm much better at offending you."
She offered him a small smile that resulted in one of his own. Was it progress?
She finally took a nibble of her food. He was too focused on watching her to follow suit.
"Even if you aren't thinking about me," he started, carefully taking in every reaction, "I want you to know that nothing changes for me. I still do like you a lot. I'm not trying to detract you away from your breakup, but I'm just letting you again just in case you forgot."
She was still chewing. She didn't even look at him. He wondered how she could chew the same bite of food for so long.
"I didn't forget," she said coldly, once she had swallowed.
He shut his mouth. He had thought she wanted to see him to accept his confession, not literally just to be upset about Matt. They continued eating in silence.
"I didn't mean to sound so standoffish," she said quietly after a while. "Sorry, I said it because I knew you would take it, but that was rude of me. I shouldn't have done that."
"That's okay," he answered hopefully, feeling better instantly. "I don't mind being that person for you."
She smiled at him again, still small and sad but something nevertheless.
"But," he continued, wondering if he should stop. He was never good at stopping at the right moment. "Is there a reason you picked me to talk to? I mean, I can already see Mimi getting really pissed off that you wouldn't tell her first. It's not that I mind. I was just wondering…"
He finally stopped talking. He could tell he was on the verge of making everything worse again.
"To answer your question from earlier, yes, I broke up with him because of you," Sora offered as a response.
Tai felt his heart beat faster. "You mean because of what I did or because you're still interested in me?"
She didn't answer him, returned to eating. He could see her fighting with her mind about what to say.
"Because I'm a bad person," she answered, even though that hadn't been one of the choices he had offered her.
"You're not a bad person," he refuted instantly, not knowing what else to say.
"Tai."
"Hm?"
"Matt was always so good to me." Her eyes were welling up again. "He was good to you too. He was always defending you, even when I was so angry with you. When I told him what happened between you and me, he said he could forgive me." She blinked, and the tears fell. "If I move on from him to you, how can you honestly say that doesn't make me a bad person?"
He passed her his unused napkin.
"If he's so good, then he'll understand this too," Tai said, sounding unconvinced himself. "I want to be with you, Sora."
She shook her head, which he interpreted as rejection. His heart sank.
"I need time," she said instead, reigniting his hope. "It's impossible for me to forget him so quickly."
Although he felt a little bothered that Matt had meant that much to her, the words themselves were more reassuring than flat out telling him no.
"I can wait," he told her.
They somehow finished their meal. They were the only ones in the restaurant so early, and surely the waiter found it weird that they would sit there in silence, barely eating, the girl silently crying every so often, while the boy sat clueless and not knowing what to do.
When they had finished, she waved instead of hugging him goodbye, refused his offer to hang out more.
Once she had gone, he started running. He ran faster than he had in a while, his destination close but choosing to run the perimeter several times before he was finally ready to face it.
He wanted to turn back time.
Hurt and confused, he wanted nothing more than to hate Sora but couldn't bring himself to do it. Rather, he hated himself as he replayed the embarrassing scene over and over in his mind.
He had told her he would forgive her. How could he have said that?
He had once again proven to himself just how much of a weakling he was.
It tore him up inside that he had unintentionally brought Sora closer to Tai by trying to help him. He should have instead watched their friendship turn into ruin, but he had nobody to blame but himself. He thought he was the biggest idiot on the planet for trusting someone as selfish as him.
Tai was the last person he wanted to see, and yet this was the person precisely at his doorstep, sweaty and out of breath.
"Hey," Tai panted between deep breaths.
Why had he run here? He didn't care.
"I don't want to talk to you," Matt said as his greeting. He attempted to shut the door, but Tai put an arm up to block him.
"Can I—haa—have some—haa—water?" he asked.
His shamelessness infuriated him, but he still gave him what he had asked. Tai drank the entire contents of the cup in two gulps. He wanted him to choke on it.
"Thanks," he said, perfectly unchoked as he set the cup down on his dining table.
"What are you doing here, Tai? I'm assuming you didn't come here for water."
"I went on a run."
"I can see that. What are you doing here?"
Tai straightened his back. "I came here to ask you for permission to date Sora."
He couldn't believe it. Was he being arrogant and rubbing his breakup in his face? Or was he just a moron who thought this was the right thing to do?
"What if I say no?" Matt asked lowly.
Tai drew a breath. "Well, hopefully you won't."
"What if I do?" he asked again.
Tai didn't answer immediately, appearing to be in thought.
"I don't know," Tai admitted. "I'll have to think about it after you say it."
He was an idiot. He hadn't even thought about any other outcome except the one he wanted. Typical Tai.
"I doubt it'd change anything," Matt spat out bitterly. "It's not like you'll change your mind."
"Maybe not," Tai agreed, "but… Sora is really sad."
Good.
"And she thinks she's the worst person on the planet right now."
Less good.
"I don't see why you feel the need to tell me any of this," Matt retorted.
"Because she's sad, and I don't want her to be. Maybe if she knows you'd be okay with me and her, she'll feel better."
Matt narrowed his eyes. "I'm not okay with it, just like how you weren't okay with us, but unlike you I'm not going to backstab you over it."
"Okay, I deserved that," Tai accepted. "Matt, I consider you my friend."
Matt scoffed and took Tai's empty cup from the dining table. "Can you leave?"
"I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but you are. I just really like her. I wouldn't do this to you for just any girl, but I can't let someone like her get away. You know how it feels, don't you? You took her from me first."
He finally raised his voice. "That doesn't compare to what you did to me, Tai. You weren't with her when that happened."
Tai looked too calm. "I know. You're a bigger person than I am then." He chuckled. "You were always a little more selfless than me, don't you think?"
A little?!
Matt felt his brain explode in anger.
A little didn't cut it. A little was the biggest understatement he had ever heard. Tai was a little son of a bitch, and he wanted to kill him. He realised this was the first emotional outburst he had since Sora broke up with him, and it wasn't even from her but from him.
The words were already to his throat when Tai spoke first. "I don't want to lose a friend to this—"
"Oh, believe me, Tai. You have," Matt interrupted angrily.
"Come on, we're still friends," Tai beckoned with that cocky tone of his. "We've passed bigger hurdles than this."
"Sora told me you tried to kiss her."
The smug look on Tai's face disappeared, replaced with one of nerves. "Er…"
"I trusted you, but obviously you aren't one for loyalty."
"But did she tell you that I stopped myself?" Tai tried to justify.
"Do you really think that somehow makes it okay? The mere fact that you even chose to try it, and then hide it from me, is a sentiment of how fake this friendship really is." He felt his face grow hot not only from his fury but also his desperate attempt to not flip out on him. "So don't call yourself my friend."
"Okay, I've already lost a friend to this," Tai corrected with that same steady composure that made Matt want to kill him even more. "But don't make me lose her too."
He wanted to yell at him but couldn't because Tai wasn't yelling. He refused to come off as pathetic or angry when Tai was being so calm. He refused to give in to him or let him win again.
Why was it that Tai always won?
He felt those inferiority complex demons rear their ugly head.
You're second again. You're always second. You'll always be second.
He felt he could cry, not from heartbreak but from pure frustration. Why was it that Tai Kamiya always get everything he wanted? Why couldn't that person—just once—be him instead?
"I turned down the University of Tokyo for Kyoto University."
"So what?"
Tai smiled, but even Matt could tell it wasn't real. Behind the physical curve was an uncertainty, and he saw the always confident Tai look insecure for the first time in a long, long time.
"I don't know anyone there… and… the opportunities there aren't as good… and the team isn't as good… but even then I might not even get a starting position… What if I lose everything…?" Tai was stuttering, the walls of his forged smile breaking down even further. "But I'm still going, because I know that's where Sora wants to go, and I would rather have a chance with her than become pro."
Matt didn't say anything.
"That's how much I like her, Matt. That's why I couldn't stop myself from telling her everything even though I knew it'd hurt you." Tai was looking at him pleadingly. "Everything that's happened in the past term… I almost went crazy. You saw it too, right? It was because of her. It was because I wanted her so badly. I can't promise you that I won't go for her just because you don't want her to, but I thought at the very least I could talk to you. Because even though you hate me now, you'll forgive me, right? We'll still be friends. Right?"
Matt hated him. The way he justified himself. The way he talked about it as if it were just something that would pass.
He hated him because he knew that even if he couldn't feel that way now, somehow, someway, Tai would convince him to change his mind again.
Because that's what Tai always did.
"You're not my friend," he repeated.
Tai's face fell. A look of remorse that didn't fit him, and then a desperate attempt to crack a smile again. He could practically see Tai's brain trying to come up with what to say next.
Matt spoke first.
"But you do what you want you want to do, Tai. It's not like I can stop you."
The fake smile turned into a real one. He wanted to wipe it off Tai's stupid face.
"Really?" he asked, looking both pleased and shocked. "Matt, you won't regret it. I'll be good to her. I promise."
"I don't care about your promise, Tai. Get out of my flat."
Tai stood in place.
Matt frowned. "What is it?"
Tai winced as he stepped forward. "Look, I know you're trying to play it cool, but you must hate me right now. I'll give you a free hit. Anywhere you want." He paused. "Well, er, except, you know…" Another pause. "And I'd prefer if you didn't hit my legs, since I'll need them for soccer. I might lose my scholarship if I get injured."
Matt thought about it, wondering if Sora would still like him if he knocked out a tooth.
"I'm not going to hit you, Tai."
"Go on. I deserve it," Tai insisted, placing his hands behind his back. "I swear I won't hit back."
"We aren't eleven anymore, Tai. Don't be so childish."
"What?" Tai asked, smirking a little. "Scared you can't hurt me?"
He hit a nerve, and Matt shifted his eyes to the ceramic brolly stand by his front door. Even if he couldn't damage Tai the way he so badly wanted, he was sure the stand could give him the concussion he deserved.
"That isn't it," he said coolly, shaking the thought away. "I'm not going to hit you, so stop trying to get me to resort to your level."
Tai chuckled. "Yeah, you were always a little more mature than me too."
"Get out of my flat, Tai."
Matt walked to the front door and opened it, indicating to Tai to leave. Tai obliged, thanking him again. He looked too happy as he left. He hated that. He hated that Tai had come guilty and left satisfied, while he just felt even worse.
As he walked back into his apartment, now devoid of Tai's presence, he came to the realisation that he was not in fact okay.
Objectively, he could admit that perhaps Sora wasn't right for him, and that he had known it all along. He had just pretended he could change her, convinced himself that he was enough. If she was to choose someone else, then it wasn't mean to be.
Subjectively, however, he couldn't accept it.
He found his lips subconsciously twitch to a small smirk, formed not because he found the situation funny but because he found it ridiculous. Déjà vu that he should have seen coming because it was a perpetual cycle.
You win, Tai.
You always win, because you've always been first.
And me?
Well, I'll just be second, just as I always have.
16 March 2020
