I open the door to see both of my parents standing there, bags in hand. And at first, I'm elated to see them. They haven't been here since Christmas. But then I remember the current state of affairs, and I ask, "Oh my god, what are you guys doing here? Are you okay?"

"Well, Bells," Charlie says, stepping into our house like he owns it. "I figured that the safest place to be while a scary ass virus is on the loose is with a doctor. And what do you know? My son-in-law happens to be one."

Edward is silent. I look back at him, and I can tell he's thinking about the number of people in our house now. I quickly do the math, and it's now ten.

Jesus.

Ten people in our house.

"Aren't you gonna give us a hug or something?" my mom asks.

As soon as I start to head over, Edward pulls my hand back, holding me still while reaching for his stick. "Protocols, Bella."

"I'm not making my parents strip, Edward," I say glaring at him. "Well, I might have if Dad was wearing a MAGA hat, but thankfully he's not."

I grin.

Edward does not look amused. But he does back away from the stick.

"Hell no, I'm not!" Charlie says with gusto. "I've been a card-carrying Republican since I registered to vote when I was eighteen. And I cannot abide a man calling himself a Christian, then treating an American hero the way he treated John McCain. It's horseshit!" he exclaims definitively. "Pure horseshit."

It should come as no surprise to anyone that my dad, a retired cop from Arizona, loved John McCain more than anything. When I was growing up, he had a signed photograph of him hanging in the living room of our house. It was absolutely his prized possession. I'm pretty sure it's still there. According to my mom, he went through all seven stages of grief when John McCain died.

"Charlie…umm, Sir," Edward says. "I understand that you and Renee are excited to see Bella and the boys, but I must ask that you wash your hands before engaging in any physical contact with my family. It's the prudent choice during these uncertain times. No offense, Sir, but you're both in a high risk category."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dad asks Edward.

"It means we're old, Charlie," my mom says, slapping my dad on his ass.

"Speak for yourself," my dad retorts with a smile.

"That's fine, Edward," my mom says, grabbing Charlie by the hand. She pushes past us in a whirl of tie-dye, heading toward the kitchen. "As a liberal, I understand these things, of course. It's science. Charlie and his 'card-carrying Republicans' don't believe in science. They probably think we can pray this virus away. They probably think it's some sort of biblical plague set upon us in retribution for falling away from the ways of god. When the truth is, if god is punishing anyone, she's probably punishing everyone who voted for that pussy-grabber."

"Mom!" I shout. "The kids!"

Edward looks like he's going to have a stroke.

Dad looks indignant.

Jasper and Alice are both laughing.

"Oh, honey," she says apologetically. "I forgot what it's like to have kids in the house."

"What's a pussy-grabber?" Bennett asks.

Someone.

Please.

Save us from our mothers.

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My in-laws are here. In my house. They came without even a warning. Or a thorough battery of tests. Because I'm a doctor.

Why didn't I become a ballroom dancer like Nana Cullen wanted me to be? I was, and still am, very flexible. And Bella says I really know how to swivel my hips.

There's no time to ponder what could have been because Renee is talking about pussy grabbers and I need to put a stop to this.

When my youngest son parrots her comments, I think briefly that I may be having a medical emergency.

"Bella?" I call out. "If I pass out and no one can revive me, call 911 and enact emergency protocol 3B."

"Edward, you're fine. And I'm not going to roll you outside on the lawn to be picked up by an ambulance."

"You knew that?" I ask. "Without the at-a-glance reminder chart?"

"I always read your presentations, Edward."

That's my wife. She's the center of my world. And the only one who reads my presentations, apparently.

"Bennett, however, needs to know that he is never to repeat what grandma Renee or Esme, says." She adds, "Also, anything that Uncle Emmett says." She looks pointedly at our son, who is standing nearby. "You and your brothers need to shower and then you can play a game with Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper."

He nods and scampers back to the great room. Alice and Jasper follow. Presumably to clean up and not to sacrifice a live goat in order to balance the universe.

Bella and I stand in the living room. I take a deep breath.

"Everything is fine, Edward. It's only ten people," she reassures me. "Why else do we have such a big house?"

"Can you at least check their temperatures, Bella? Please? Maybe get them to shower and disinfect?"

Bella says, "I'm not checking their temperatures, Edward. I'm going to go hug them because I haven't seen them in three months. But if it makes you feel better, you can give them both a thorough examination later. That's probably not a bad idea anyway." She then goes to find her parents who are hopefully not contaminating my entire home. I wonder if Bella would let me hose them down in the yard?

My phone pings. It's a facetime from Emmett. I debate whether or not to answer, but in a time of emergency, my duty is clear. "Yes, Emmett."

"Edward, did I see Charlie and Renee pull up to your house?"

Is he staring out the window? I don't ask, because a short while ago he was staring into my backyard, so it's not really strange. For Emmett.

"Yes, Emmett. They're...uh, staying with us." I say it, but I still can't believe it. I guess it's too late to send them back to Arizona. And Bella would not be pleased.

"I can't come over for some bro time, but Charlie gets to quarantine there?"

"Technically we are not in quarantine. And I'm not your bro."

"That stings, Edward."

At that moment, Jasper comes in to ask for something and asks, "Edward, where do you keep your vegan leather and leather-making tools?"

"What the fuck is Jasper doing there? Are you kidding me?" Emmett screams. "And what the fuck is vegan leather?"

"Keep it down, Emmett or you're going outside again!" I hear Rosalie yell in the background. Honestly, he should start building a bed in his garage.

"He and Alice arrived before I got here, Emmett. And Charlie and Renee drove in right now." I don't comment on the vegan leather because I don't understand the oxymoron. Nor would I have tools for any hobby Jasper had. One time he asked to borrow my prosperity pyramid. I told him that sadly it was lost with my patience.

"Greetings, Emmett," Jasper says with a weird wave. Well, it's a wave. Jasper just makes it weird. "I sense negative energy coming from you."

Yes, your sense of hearing is registering the yelling and cursing.

"Fuck yes, I'm negative, Jasper." I hear Emmett mumble something about sensing a foot up his ass.

"I can recommend some breathing techniques to calm yourself," Jasper says.

Wow. He's actually giving useful advice for once.

"Get into the lotus position and I will hold out my hands and direct your life force-" Jasper is interrupted by Emmett before he can finish his magical nonsense. That will teach me to have a brief respect for Jasper's ideas.

"My life force is totally full, Jasper. Like you're totally full of s-"

"Emmett," I warn, before he finishes. "It's Jasper." I see him make a face. He's either irritated or about to release gas.

"I swear Edward, this is bullshit!"

"Emmett! Stop yelling shit!" Rosalie yells from the other room.

Is this display supposed to make me feel guilty for not letting him in my house?

"I'm going to have to find a way to even up the score," he says in a calmer voice.

"You can't think that I wanted this to happen. I didn't even let my parents come here. They will be terribly upset when they find out," I say, trying to make him feel better.

"Yes! That's a great idea," he says and clicks off.

I'm confused, as I gave him no ideas for the removal of his misplaced anger. Jasper clears his throat, and I turn to him. Reluctantly. For a brief moment, I pretended I was alone. It was bliss.

"So, the leather tools? Just an awl and scabbard if you don't have all the tools available."

Yes, Jasper. Let's go out to ye ole' blacksmith's ship out yonder and pick up your medieval tools to go along with the oil and herbs and we can have a Ren Faire in my kitchen.

Honestly, I may not make it through the night.

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AN: Thank you for all the reviews. Writing this is a bright spot in our day. Please stay the fuck home and read fic.