After Crabapple Cove started recovering from the flooding, Dolly returned. She had been roaming south of the Mason Dixon, trying to sell her idea of a business instead of being a traveling salesperson and displaying her fares at shows. She didn't tell anyone if she was successful yet or not. She was more concerned about the destruction the storm left us and made offers to help.

She visited me after she rested at her home for a few days and organized some relief efforts. When she greeted me and cooed over Annabeth, she collapsed on the couch and started laughing. She covered her mouth, to try to be polite, but could not help it. She pointed at me too, like it was all my fault.

Dolly tried talking. Every time she did though, they came out as gibberish. It was akin to a nurse hearing a bomb explode close by for the first time and screaming their fear into the arms of another person. It was the child who did not understand why an old man would use her so brutally – in peace and in war.

"What is it?" I asked her, to try to shake the images away. I was not patient either.

"Oh, did you really do that?" Dolly blurted out. Her merriment downgraded to a few giggles. "Mrs. Pettigrew tells you to leave. You do, go to a church…and, what? Help the residents who hate you?"

"What is so funny about that?" I demanded. My hands automatically went to my hips.

"Oh, that you're brave. I wouldn't have done that. I'd damn them all and use my own supplies."

"It shouldn't matter. People were in need. I had something most did not."

"You were in need too, Jeanie. You have two small children. Your husband isn't home. You escaped in a rowboat with the neighbors and resided in a church for almost a week. You're not even a church member!"

In retrospect, it was kind of hilarious. It was almost as good as Hawkeye coming back inside naked after watching Annabeth. While frightening in its own way, the experience of being an agnostic and going to a church was ironic and hypocritical of me. I cracked a smile.

"Well, it was interesting," I admitted.

"You didn't make any friends, did you?" Dolly asked me. She even winked.

"There was Lucy. She's very sweet."

"That is because she is partial to Hawkeye. She'll do anything for him. She's a former flame."

"There are the guys from Eddie's Bar."

"Again, they've liked the family for many years. I mean, someone new. Did anyone even ask you anything?"

"No." I had to think about it. "They were tiptoeing around me. I don't think they knew what to do with me."

Dolly laughed again. "Oh, yes. That sounds right. The outcast is hellbent on destroying their society and it turned out, she's just like them."

I had enough of this talk. I offered Dolly coffee. She accepted it and we went into the kitchen. Once we spun a pretty cup to our tastes, we returned to the living room. We chatted inanely (mostly about TC's letter and how I should respond to her) until the girls fell asleep. Annabeth was happy in her bassinet and Shannon was comfortable on the couch. I didn't want to move them.

I took a deep breath and put my cup down on a side table. My hands were shaking. Suddenly, I felt that I needed to talk to someone about the pictures and Dolly was the only one who would understand. I yearned to be held by another woman and told that it was not a passing nightmare. It was all real.

"What is it?" Even Dolly sensed that someone was off.

"Come with me." I got up and almost ran to my room. I unlocked it and let her in. "I need to show you something."

Dolly was confused. She knew better than to invade my personal space. She followed me though, baffled when she glanced upon my missing memories. When I flipped on the light and pulled out the box, a glimpse of revulsion flashed across her face. A flap was open and she must have seen the pictures.

Even handing her the letter did nothing to dispel her anger. "What the hell are you doing with this?" she demanded. She didn't bother reading the missive and put it on my desk. "Jeanie, I am surprised. That was disgusting. Those poor girls! Do you have any idea what you –"

I interrupted her. Digging deep into the piles of naked women, I found my pictures and shoved a handful at her. Some fell to the floor and she ignored them. Others, she stared at in utter shock. With an open mouth, she glanced at each horrifying memory. From the time I was thirteen to maybe seventeen, Clarence had taken hundreds of pictures of me, mostly naked. The child of thirteen grew into a hate-filled adult of eighteen.

"Oh, Jeanie," Dolly whispered. Tears quickly flew down her face. "I had no idea…"

She went through all of them. There, I recalled the first time Clarence positioned me and snapped the camera. It was in my bedroom. He used my corner bed to seat me. I had no clothes on. I tried covering myself with my arms and hid my face with my hair. There was blood on my bed. He deflowered me just minutes before and wanted to show the spot next to me. He considered me nothing more than an item of interest.

Dolly studied each one intently, like she was searching for some clue in that young girl. Each time she found something, she cried out in pain. A wounded animal, she bravely went through each photo until the end of her share. Then, I stopped her on one memory and opened my eyes to that young woman who was about to go to the Army.

That was the last one I remembered Clarence took of me. I had just turned seventeen. It was before Christmas. I still retained the stretch marks from my lost baby. There were scars all over my body. I stared into the camera lens like a woman on fire. There was revenge in that grey stare. Clarence did not know it yet. I was going to free myself.

"I need you to tell me I am going to do the right thing," I said to her when it was put down. "I want to burn them all. Mine will be last." I started crying.

Dolly took hold of me and put my head into her shoulders, so close that I did not know who was reassuring who. I sobbed loudly in there. For all of those women and even for me, I still felt pity and weakness. Inside of me, there was always going to be that girl who was first scared and then defiant of the man who had humiliated and violated me worse than Korea ever did.

The door opened. "Jeanie?" It was Dad.

"Shit," Dolly mumbled. She detached me from her and gave me a handkerchief from her pocket. "I'll take care of Uncle Daniel. You look happy."

It was tough. I was always a bad crier, Dean always told me. This was no different. I soaked the cloth Dolly gave me. I used my dress hem and that too was very wet. Anything fabric found in my room was utterly destroyed by my nose and eyes. When I checked myself in the mirror, I still was a terrible fright.

I had to face my father-in-law. Dolly was doing everything she could to stall him. She told me I was upset and trying to smile for the girls. She made another excuse that I was hiding in my room when he looked for me. Then, when Annabeth and Shannon woke up, I knew that it was time. Dad was going to see me.

I exited from my room. Dad and Dolly were in the living room with the girls, trying to calm them down. When Dad saw me, he almost dropped Shannon. He maintained his control over her and tried crossing over to comfort me. I waved him away. I wanted at least Shannon out of sight. I was not going to have her witness anything.

I tried smiling, forcing my lips to move. "Why are you home so early?"

"I decided to switch some days with someone," Dad confessed. "It's time to slow it down a little."

I knew what he meant. It was retirement. Dad always talked of withdrawing from the medical community and staying home. Oddly enough, it was not wistful either. He desired nothing more than to remain of service in Crabapple Cove. However, passing the torch to the next generation has been difficult for him. Seeing Hawkeye to Korea had been the next worst thing.

"Well, I best be going then." Dolly gave Annabeth to me and kissed my cheek. "Call if you need something. And write that damned letter!"

I nodded. I didn't dare speak. If I did, I was liable to cry again.

Dad said his goodbyes to Dolly and shut the door behind her. He kissed Shannon and put her down. "Honey, go and play. Will you?"

Shannon obeyed him and went to find her dollhouse. Dad took Annabeth from my arms and put her down in the bassinet. She went down, oddly without complaint.

"Can I come in?" he asked me.

I knew what he meant. Again, I shook my head and walked there with shame. He followed me to my room. This time, he shut the door behind us. He saw the mess on the floor and the pile on my desk. When he picked the mountain that Dolly left behind, he was shocked. I thought he was having a stroke. His face froze. His body quivered violently.

"Dad?" I was fearful. "Dad, are you all right?" I shook him.

"Does Hawkeye know?" he whispered, gently pushing me away. He didn't view the rest of the sordid shots.

I hesitated. "He knows that I was no virgin when we met," I admitted. "But yes, he knew. He did not understand why I cared so much about my family. And Clarence is dead now. What does it matter?"

"Who could have sent this to you?" Dad was highly upset.

"My brothers found them," I told him. "They didn't check them. They thought it was some old family pictures. They told me to go through them."

By then, I was in tears once more. Dad didn't know what to do. Out of respect, he flipped the photos downstairs and just held me. He tried shushing me, for the sake of the girls in the other room, and them muffled my cries into his shirt. My sobbing had become louder.

"He does not need to know yet," Dad soothed me. "The girls cannot know. We will take care of them."

"I want to put them in flames," I blubbered. "They can burn in hell."

Dad was startled by the statement. He only wrapped his arms tighter around me. His hand crept up to my head. His fingers held the whitening strands gently, like a father comforting a crying child. I don't think whatever he knew already was a walk in the park compared to Clarence. He could not possibly understand and reach into the depths of the dark soul for light. It would be lost there.

"Put these in the basement," he instructed me next. "Hide them with the other boxes. When we have a fire, toss some in. It we add some paper, Hawkeye won't be able to tell the difference."

It was our secret now. Dad was willing to help me expose the death of the past. It was to be covered up, like some repugnant affair, and left to the ashes in the pit. Within the four winds, it will be scattered and buried with our hurt and pain.

I don't know how long we stood there. Dad wanted to make sure that I was all right and wiped away every tear. When I stopped crying, he promised to make dinner and told me to relax with the girls. Annabeth had woken up and Shannon was bored without me. I had to get them cleaned up anyway, before Hawkeye came home.

I had to freshen up myself too. I was still a mess. The reflection in the window showed me so old that I thought that I was in my fifties. I was nearly thirty-two and still as lost as the day I left Bloomington forever.

Dad left already. Taking a deep breath, I locked up after me and made a mad dash upstairs. After twenty minutes, some washing and smiling made the redness dissipate. By the time Hawkeye came home minutes later, all of us girls were cleaned and ready to help him unwind. Shannon nearly took him down and Annabeth cooed in my arms.

The evening went on normally, even with a game of gin rummy with Hawkeye. By the time the girls went to bed, he was reading a newspaper and enjoying a beer. Dad had retired with a book in his rooms. I was sewing some of the girls' clothing and trying to plan out the next sizes. After a while, I thought about going to bed myself. I was relieved. Annabeth and Shannon were ecstatic about sharing a room together for the first time and the upstairs was quiet for the first time in weeks.

Hawkeye stopped me. He kissed me hand and held it. "Anything interesting happen today?"

For a moment, I thought he knew. For that horrifying time, my mind reeled with the possibility that he had seen Clarence's dirty work and was disappointed in me. I feared that he did not want me as a wife anymore and sought a separation or that he wished to take the girls from me.

It was so silly of me. I was imagining too many impossible cases. Hawkeye knew that I was spoiled goods and loved me more for it. As I reminded myself, the military man was stuck in Korea, forced to deal with the one woman who loves him dearly. But the man as a civilian might be pressured into that awful divorce and that is one thing I cannot bear.

"Nothing," I reassured him. "Dolly visited. Dad came home early. He cooked dinner. We played with the girls."

"Same time, different place?" He rubbed his hand on my ass. "You ride?"

I played the game for a few minutes. Our talk was pretty cheap and full of plans to circumvent the girls. Promises and threats made their rounds. I was soon smiling again. It almost made Hawkeye believed that all was well. He did not need to worry.

But he did see right through me. Hawkeye had an idea that something was off. His eyes noted my distance and figured out the rest. He just could not tell what it was yet. He had to investigate.

~00~

The months passed quickly. That summer rain gave way to a damp autumn and a chilly winter. By the time the ice storms arrived in late November, almost nobody was able to leave home. It was difficult enough for the Packard to leave the driveway. Hawkeye sometimes had to stay the night away from home. Dad was spending less time at the clinic, preparing for retirement.

Christmas was coming soon. BJ and Peg were not coming this year because of her pregnancy (Peg was due a few days before Christmas). However, we had an unusual request. Margaret and Keith called and mentioned that they would be in Portland in the middle of December. They wanted to drive up and see Crabapple Cove again.

"Could we stay with you this Christmas?" Margaret asked Hawkeye. "We'd want nothing more than to be with family."

I don't think Hawkeye knew what to say. He stuttered a few times and begged to be excused. Then, he handed the telephone to me. Margaret was as confused as I was and just repeated her request.

"I am sure all of us will be thrilled," I told her. "Come. I'd like the company."

Margaret was pleased. "What has gotten into Hawkeye?" she then asked me.

"Possibly, the sheer thought of Hot Lips Houlihan under his roof and not another nurse except me to buffer."

"I thought he managed to get out of puberty."

"Apparently, he still has fantasies."

Margaret laughed. We talked for a few more minutes about some things we've rediscovered. Then, blurted out the most wonderful news.

"Keith proposed to me," she announced. She sounded terrified and excited, all at once.

"Oh, my God. That's wonderful, Margaret!" I was happy for her. "That's great news!"

"I didn't say yes yet," she replied sadly. "I am so…I don't know. I don't know if Keith is the one. I thought Donald was and looked how that turned out."

I understood her point. "Give it some time then. Love shouldn't have a time limit."

After we changed the topic and concluded some girly giggles, I hung up and went in search of Hawkeye. He was in the kitchen. He was doing another Times crossword puzzle. Shannon and Annabeth sat in his lap. The former started making up silly words to fill in the blanks. Hawkeye obeyed her every word and fit into as many letters he could in each tiny space. Shannon had to correct him every time.

"Daddy, not there!" she commanded, all high and mighty for a girl of three. "Over here."

When she was not crying over everything, Annabeth was an unusually quiet child. Her eyes liked studying someone before she grew close to them, even to us, her parents. Once she was comfortable, she allowed her sister to have the limelight (if Shannon was present). This time, her gummy grin egged Shannon on. It didn't help that Hawkeye was as rowdy.

"So quick to run away?" I drew closer and kissed him on the forehead. "It won't be so bad with Margaret here."

"She'll take your side," Hawkeye defended. Then, he had to tell Shannon that "ohnsop" was a word and he could fit it in two space.

"She will not," I corrected. "Besides, she'll bring company. You know that."

Hawkeye didn't answer me. He paid more attention to the girls and grew louder. I dropped Margaret for the moment. Watching all three together was a joy I could not shatter. The moment was too precious. An argument would have ruined it.

~00~

December 26, 1954
Crabapple Cove, Maine

'Twas the day after Christmas and all throughout the house, no creature was a-stirring, not even a former head nurse and her lackey. There are two girls who brought excitement and unaltered joy to this unusually calm season. There was a father-in-law encouraging all of us to bring our childlike behavior and to remember how to be young again. And then, there was the husband who instigated all of the madness by throwing ribbons and wrapping paper all over the place.

Oh, did I mention the wife? She was trying to keep control and laughing at the same time, all the while hiding the hideous secret from her husband and friends in the basement. She had to remember what was more important and continue to picture the happy life so wished for. The illusion could not be ruined.

Snow is falling. The New Year is about a week away. I wonder what it will bring us. It will be two years since we left Korea. Already, that seems a long time ago. Crabapple Cove is our home now. What can be more perfect?


To momoflanda: I apologize that the chapter is late. I hope you can forgive me! And Mistress Twist...I will stop her for now and let you catch up. You should have read 4 chapters by now. ;)