TISSUE ALERT. To everyone who liked the last chaper and left reviews. THANK YOU so freaking much. i'm so happy we can be here for each other in this crazy time.

I got a PM where someone asked me to list the music in the beginning before the chapter started so they could download it and listen to it while reading. I'll try that format for this chapter only, let me know waht you guys think. In order of appearance

Music:

Your Hands Are Cold - Jean-Yves Thibaudet, OST Pride & Prejuidice.

The Heart of Life - Live at the Nokia Theatre, Los Angeles - John Mayer

Sunflower - Allie X, OST Sierra Burgess is a Loser

Rainbow - Kacey Musgraves.


Chapter 33 – I'm a sunflower, a little funny.

Wednesday, February 5th, 2020.

I feel movement and crying. I wake up and I see Ana crying out... she's having a nightmare and speaking in hindi. I try to wake her up gently but she won't come out of it.

"Ana... Ana baby, wake up."

She starts to wail all while still speaking in hindi and it sounds gut wrenching. I hold her face and call out to her. She immediately opens her eyes but she looks lost.

"Baby, you're safe. No one is going to hurt you." I look into her eyes. She stares back at me but doesn't move. She remains completely still. I wipe her tears. "Baby, you were having a nightmare. No one is going to hurt you." I run my hands over her arm and lift her hand to kiss it. She starts to blink and I feel her breathe again. I stroke her cheek. "I'm going to get you water, okay?" She looks at me and nods slowly. She still seems confused. I kiss the corner of her mouth and help her sit up and rub her back. I kiss her temple and go to get her water. When I come back, she's still sitting with her head in her hands.

"Drink this, baby."

She takes the glass from me and takes a few sips and gives it back to me.

"What happened?" she asks in a small voice.

I motion her to lie down and hold her.

"You were crying and saying something but I couldn't understand. It was in hindi I think."

She closes her eyes and I see a new wave of tears but I don't hear her cry.

"Do you remember what you saw?"

"I didn't really see anything. I just heard laughter and felt like I couldn't move." She says with her voice wavering. "This is a repeat of what happened in Portland in the beginning. I would wake up like this almost every other night... finally one night Kate recorded audio me having the nightmare after I had asked her to so I could see what I was saying." She swallows and starts to shiver.

"What were you saying?"

"I kept begging to be let go... to be forgiven." She looks straight up. She speaks a few sentences in hindi. "Did it sound like this or something similar?"

"I think so, it does sound similar."

She covers her eyes with both her hands and takes deep breaths.

"What can I do Ana, tell me?"

She shakes her head. "I'm okay now... I just need to wait till I fall asleep again." She says in a small voice.

I kiss her forehead, her eyes, her cheeks and finally her lips and pull her in close to me and hold her.

"In recovery when I would wake up at night in a panic. I couldn't call out to anyone so I would think about all the places I wanted to visit and the music I had associated with them. Sometimes Nita would sense that I was awake and she'd sing to me but other times I would have to close my eyes and imagine that music was playing. Of course it wasn't the same as the real thing... as soon as I regained mobility of my hands and arms, I created my nightmare playlist and always kept my phone near me just in case." She takes a shuddering breath.

"What places did you imagine going to?" I ask but my throat burns and my heart aches.

"I'd always think about the Cliffs of Moher and what it would be like to sit there and watch the water and sunset. I'd think about visiting Sardinia and Palermo, all the places in Portugal, Lake Attabad in Pakistan. Hiking in Capitol State forest with dad, the skylight in my room... anything to calm me and get me to fall asleep." She moves slightly out of my embrace to get her phone. I check the time and it's almost 2:30am. "This is the piece makes me think of the Cliffs of Moher, interestingly it's from the Pride an Prejudice soundtrack." She giggles and I kiss her forehead. I see that it's called 'your hands are cold.'

She plays it and it connects to the music system. Elliot as part of an extended Christmas present had speakers installed in Kate and Ana's room in addition to the living area of their apartment.

"I think this would sound really beautiful playing in the Escala great room but for now my small room will just have to do." She clicks play and puts her phone away and moves in closer to me and closes her eyes.

The pieces starts off as urgent and then slows down, melting into what would feel like the sunrise... then the piano seeps in and the music swells and it's breathtakingly beautiful. My heart aches to think of all those nights she spent dreaming herself to sleep with uncertainty of if she would ever be able to walk again let alone visit all the places she dreams of. As soon as it gets warmer, I'm taking her there. I'm taking her away from all this shit even if it's for a few days. I want to take her to every place she's pinned on that map. I want to give her the world and more. The piece ends and I see that she's fallen asleep. She looks peaceful... I kiss her lips and stroke her cheek. I'll always protect you Ana, I promise.

...

"Are you sure you don't want to eat anything, how about a bagel?" Ana asks me half asleep, standing in the kitchen.

"Baby, just go to sleep. I'll get something on the plane."

She yawns. "Too late, I'm already up, if I sleep again, I'll wake up at 10 and miss work." She proceeds to put the kettle on to make herself some tea.

I finish fixing my tie and she hands me some coffee in a to go cup.

"I'm going to miss you Mr. Grey."

"I'll miss you too, you're busy tonight?"

"Yes, Pilates and then hanging with Kate and then tomorrow I'm going shopping and spending alllll your money." She giggles and tiptoes to give me a small kiss.

"I like the sound of that. I'll see you on Friday then?" Fuck... that's too long.

"That's how it's looking."

I put my coffee cup on the counter, pull her in and kiss her deeply. She walks us back to the wall and pulls on to my jacket and wraps one leg around me.

"Ana, I can't... I need to be at Sea-Tac by 6:45"

"All we need is 5 minutes Mr. Grey... we won't see each other till Friday." She pouts against my lips. Fuck... I'm so whipped.

She unzips me and strokes me. "Will you miss me?"

"So much baby..." I enter her and she moans and I thrust hard and fast into her.

"Yes... just like that... don't stop..." she looks into my eyes and bites my lip.

I fuck her hard and she lets me know how much she loves it. We both come together in no time.

"Hmm, I hope you have a really good day Mr. Grey." She continues to give me small kisses on my lips.

"Miss Steele, thanks to you, I'm definitely going to have a good day." I smirk.

"Christian." I hear Ros call out to me bringing me out of my reverie from early this morning.

"Yeah?'

"I've been thinking." Ros muses. Oh fuck... this can't be good.

"Ros, the only times you've started a conversation like that was when you want to ask Gwen out on a date, to marry you and then have a kid... please do not tell me you're leaving GEH to become a full time mom... I don't think I can handle that right now."

"No, fuck no. I just... I've been thinking about some shit. And don't worry, I'm with you for the long haul but what I do want to talk about is GEH related."

"Okay, tell me what's on your mind?"

"So, we have the Seattle-Mason Gala on the 12th, that's next week. I think we should take Ana with us."

"Why?"

"Because, well... you are absolute shit at this stuff. You leave after an hour and I have to schmooze with these fuckers and it's not my scene either, I'm not even sure Gwen is up to attending right now. I think Ana is a natural at this and honestly, I'd be more than willing to stay for the entire event if we had her with us."

Fuck, I forgot about that. I'd love to have her there but...

"You don't think it's a good idea?" Ros interrupts my thoughts again.

"Ros, what are you trying to achieve?"

"Christian, we're no longer the young kids on the block, I want you to think about the future. People we're dealing with now have families, I'm going to be a mom soon and well, let's be real, as much as I can hammer out a deal in my sleep, I'm still too fucking new age for these fuckers. Yeah, gay marriage passed and it's the law of the land but we're still dealing with some people who are stuck in the middle ages. If we want to expand into the middle east, south Asian and south east Asian market significantly, I want us to have someone who can really... look you saw how she handles a room. I think we need to groom her to be the face of GEH. We need to look human, more than just being known for throwing money at charities. Ana was right, we're not fucking robots."

"What's wrong with my face?" I laugh.

"I'm sick of it " she joins me. "No, listen GEH is always going to be yours, I'm just saying... a little help will go a long way. You're extremely private and I get it, you're not into the fluff but I think we can benefit from her representing us at events etc. How about we use the Seattle-Mason gala as an audition and see how she does? I'm sure she went to tons of events with her family"

I shrug when I really want to tell her it's a fucking brilliant idea.

"Let's talk to her about it when we get back." I murmur.

"Yeah, we can talk about it at the baby shower. By the way, don't worry, I've got you a solid in to ask her out on a date." She cackles.

"I don't need your help on asking a woman out a date."

"Ana isn't just any woman and trust me... you're gonna need all the fucking help you can get." She says as she drinks her coffee.

"You guys have become close friends?"

"Yeah, you could say we have. I've never really gotten along with women in terms of friendships... but she's easy to be friends with."

"You got to know her through Gwen, right?"

"Nah, Jose introduced us. Have you met him? He's brilliant... could easily take over for Travis in a pinch. Anyway, he told me about her. I think in her second or third week, he told me that I had to meet her. We went out to lunch one day and hit it off and then she eventually met Gwen and we became close."

"I've seen him around, we haven't been formally introduced."

"You'll meet him at the shower. He'll also be at the Gala, his husband is the MC this year. He works at Seattle-Mason and handles their events and donor outreach program."

"I'm surprised you never introduced Ana before. You seem quite taken with her."

"Yeah, I don't know why... I guess it just never came up besides you're so anti-woman at work, I just figured it wouldn't really matter. We get lunch every now and then. Just recently we had a heart to heart... I had this huge fight with Gwen, I swear this pregnancy is a fucking nightmare sometimes... and I kind of told her I was fucking scared to be a mom and that I was going to fail at it."

"I didn't know that you felt that way Ros."

"Yeah well, you hired a shark not a goldfish... besides you've got your own shit I imagine."

"Ros, you can talk to me. I mean I have no fucking reference to pull from but... we're friends... you can talk to me."

"Yeah, thanks... I just I think I need to talk to another woman you know?"

"What did she say to you?'

"She said that there was a solid chance the Gwen was equally if not more scared as I was and that as long as we talked about it, held each other's hand through this and focus on how much love we have for this baby that we'd make it through and be stronger at the end of it. It won't be easy but it will be worth it. That anything worth having is fucking hard and scary."

Fuck, I need to properly propose to this woman and make her my wife.

I quietly nod.

"She offered to help us with the baby on the weekends and weeknights in an emergency. She's fucking CPR trained in first aid for infants... her mom is a volunteer at SF memorial as a baby cuddler for NICU babies and got her the gig too. She told me that her mom had a friend who donated a bunch of money to SF memorial to further research in the aid of music to help babies born to drug addicts...Though now I suspect that it was AHAK who made that donation given her recent revelation about her family..." she muses. "So yeah, you may think I'm being emotional in my decision making in regards to her but you of all people know that I have good instincts about people.

I'm suddenly overcome with so much emotion.

"I trust you, Ros."

"Thanks boss. I think she'd be good for you."

"Ros, I know we're joking around but..."

"Do you like her?"

"I find her intriguing but again, she's an employee."

"I asked you if you liked her." Fuck, this is the no bullshit Ros line of attack.

I roll my eyes. "Does it matter? She hates my guts."

"That I can work with. I just need the green light from you."

"Let's just see how the baby shower goes." I smirk.

...

APOV

I give Christian another kiss and cling to him. I don't want to let him go but Mr. CEO has an empire to run.

"I love you."

He gives me his shy smile. "I love you too, baby. "

"Text me when you land."

"I will." He kisses my forehead and walks out.

I haven't woken up this early since... wow, since I had to fly out for the wedding. I decide to do some yoga for a change. I'm never able to do more than 10 minute session on weekdays but now I have two hours to kill. I try not to think about my nightmare from last night. I can't have that rain cloud hanging over me. I need to move forward, I have to actively look towards having a good day. I will have a good day today.

I first go turn on some music and go to finalize my outfit. Kiran pretty much bought every Roland Mouret piece she could find I think which works for me because I love how structured they are, I can't believe she let these pieces go. I feel like a boss when I walk into work wearing these dresses. I decide on a plum knee length dress that has bit a flare with Kate's louboutin's that she gifted me on graduation.

"Steele, you need big girl heels now. Just shut up and accept these as your graduation gift and step on any balls you need to on your journey up to success. Anytime you feel like you can't do something, just remember that these shoes are called 'So Kate' so, your ass better remember and think about' what would Kate do'"

I laugh at the thought. I miss my best friend but I'm so proud of her. She's on her way to become CEO of one of the biggest media houses in the country.

I set the timer for a 30 minute yoga session and feel much calmer when I'm done. After a shower I blow dry and lightly curl my hair and get dressed.

I listen to some relatively calming music, mostly from when I was kid to remind me of happier times.

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend you misunderstand
But I know the heart of life is good

I finish with my tea and breakfast and look over the NDA I have. Not that it's changed but I'm supposed to be having lunch with Jose and Val today and to say that my nerves are through the roof would be an understatement. I remember Flynn's advice. I have to let my trust in my friends. The heart of life is good.

...

Just before I get up from my desk to head towards the elevator I get a call from Christian.

"Hi baby" he croons and it makes me smile.

"Hey you, how's it going?"

"It's going well. I had a moment alone and I wanted to just call you and tell you how much I love you."

Oh fuck... why do you gotta make me cry in the middle of the workday, Grey?

"Why are you so good to me?" I say trying to calm my wavering voice.

"Cause, you're my girl."

"I love you so much."

"I love you too, baby. See you soon."

Lunchtime rolls around and we head to Jose's favorite sandwich shop. He needs carbs when serious conversations happen. Since he frequents this established quite often, he only has to call his order ahead and it's ready by the time we get there. By some miracle we get seats in a secluded corner on the second floor where can talk somewhat freely.

"Okay Steele, hit me." Jose starts.

I take a deep breath. "Jose, I already sort of mentioned this to you but Val, we haven't really gotten a chance to talk... I've been thinking for quite some time now and you both are my closest friends at GEH and... honestly in life too outside of my best friend and roommate Kate. The reason for that is that my adoptive mom comes from a family that's well known in the business circle and they insist on me having friends sign an NDA. I've always been uncomfortable with that idea because I never wanted to put that pressure on a friendship when it's just starting out so I chose to not volunteer information about my family beyond that fact that my mother lives in San Francisco... but truth is... the way I am with you guys... that's a very compartmentalized version of who I really am. I've... " Don't cry, Ana. You can do this. Take another deep breath. "I've been through some difficult stuff and it's shaped the way I am and a lot of it is connected to my family... and I want to be able to share who I really am as a person with you guys..."

I look up at Val who's looking down. I see the pain in her face.

"I'm really sorry, I don't want you to think I've been lying to you, I just didn't want to seem like a burden. I always thought I needed to be the happy go lucky girl to be seen as a worthy friend but I've finally found a good therapist and I've been realizing how I've been keeping people at arms length all these years."

Val and Jose nod. God, this is tense.

"Val... I'm sorry." I say.

"No Ana, don't apologize. I understand. Let me know where to sign and I'll do it."

I take out my iPad and hand it to her. Both Jose and Val read over it.

"Yeah looks good." Jose signs first and then I open another copy for Val to sign as well.

"Okay so, tell us everything." Jose rubs his hands and grins like a child who just found treasure.

"Yeah, I need something else to focus on in life. I'm breaking up with Bill soon so I need something to keep my occupied."

I can't help but laugh. I tell them the summarized version about the family and tell them that the more serious stuff I'd tell them when they came over to my apartment since I need privacy for that.

"So you come from billionaire stock?" Val asks wide-eyed.

"No, I don't. My father was ex-military and a high school teacher. He married Nita when I was 10 years old. Nita's family is from billionaire stock..."

"Oh okay... that's cool. So that's why you know so much about the Indian culture and can speak the language"

"Is that why you don't date? Because of the NDA shit?" Jose asks.

"Yes, kind of... It's not that I don't want to date, it's just complicated beyond the NDA shit." I start to tear up. Don't Ana, control yourself.

"Okay this weekend, after the baby shower, we meet at my place. I'll get the ice-cream and we will talk this out. Deal?" Jose says.

"Deal." Val and I both say in unison.

"Though you might want to do a proper snack run, we're going to need it." I warn.

"Dios mio... this bitch is out to give me a heart attack." Jose says with his hand over his heart while Val and I snicker.

We get up and they both hug me before we head out to walk back to the office. I stop at the health bar again to get my usual carrot juice and Jose gags without fail. Once we're at GEH, I realize we still have 10 minutes left so we head to the atrium to say hellos to some of our other friends. I feel my phone vibrate; I secretly hope it's Christian, again. I miss him so.

I check the caller ID. Why is Carla calling?

...

CPOV

We land at Sea-Tac at 6:30 and I see that I haven't heard from Ana at all since lunch.

CG: Hey baby, wanted to check in?

30 minutes pass and I don't hear from her. I'm already back at Escala. I call Sawyer to ask about her and he tells me that she didn't go to Pilates and wanted to go straight home. He could tell that she had been crying and didn't say a word or react to him.

CG: Baby, are you okay?

AS: Just tired. I want to go to sleep.

CG: Okay baby, sleep well. I'll see you on Friday. I love you.

She does not respond. I want to head over to her place but I have to remember what Flynn told me. I need to learn to give her space. I cannot hover and overwhelm her. I already imposed yesterday.

I shower, change and walk into the kitchen as Gail sets out dinner, steak with mashed potatoes and grilled vegetables. She also puts a side of mac and cheese, she know how much I love mac and cheese. She indulges me like a child sometimes. She retires for the night, I eat and work on the laptop for a bit but I'm distracted. I get a message from Ana, it's a little after 8pm.

AS: Would it be okay if I stayed over as Escala for a day or two?

Odd.

CG: Of course baby, you never have to ask. You can come by and stay for as long as you want. When do you want to come over?

AS: Now.

CG: Okay I'll send Sawyer.

AS: No, it's okay. I don't want ruin his evening. I can take an Uber. It'll be fine Christian, please.

CG: Ana, don't argue with me. Sawyer will be there soon.

I text Sawyer and ask him to pick up Ana and bring her to Escala.

Something feels off. 45 minutes later, the elevator pings, I walk out of my office and I see Ana walk into the bedroom with a bag. She walks slowly, head hanging, something is really wrong.

I walk into the bedroom and follow her into the walk in closet.

"Ana, baby what's wrong?" She turns around and her face is red, full of tears. She runs and hugs me, tightly and sobs uncontrollably almost wailing. I kiss her hair and rock her as she continues to cry.

"Why doesn't she love me? Am I that unworthy? I'm her flesh and blood, why doesn't she love me?" Ana asks me.

"Baby, what happened?" I hold her face in my hands; she's in so much pain. I wipe her tears away as she falls to the floor. I sit with her. Her crying subsides but she shivers and heaves still.

"I'm going to give you a bath and then we'll have dinner. You haven't eaten yet, have you?" She shakes her head. She's disheveled and still in her work clothes. I help her up and bring her to the bathroom with me. Her eyes are fixed to the floor, as the water fills the tub. I kiss her cheeks and new wave of tears fall. I take off her shoes and remove all her clothing one by one. I kiss her forehead and tip her face to me. She looks at me with the saddest eyes. It breaks my heart. My beautiful girl is walking around with a broken heart. I kiss her lips and she closes her eyes, tears still falling.

I help her into the tub and sit outside, playing with her hair, caressing her cheek.

"Can you also join me, please?" she asks in the smallest voice. "Sure, baby." I smile back. I take off my clothes and I take my place behind her. I turn her face to me and kiss her. She keeps her eyes down. Shivers run through her body every now and then. I wash her, kissing her cheek, and her temple. I kiss her shoulder and her hands every so often.

"Talk to me baby." I plead as I kiss her cheek.

"When we had that fight before Christmas and I moved in with Grace for a couple of days, I called Carla, wanting to know if I could visit her in Georgia. I desperately wanted to get out of here. She never picked up of course. I left her 3 messages. I knew I couldn't worry Nita, she was all the way in India and I had made Kate swear to me not to tell her what happened, I didn't want her flying out for something that wasn't life or death for me. Carla finally responded to those messages by calling me today. Every time I talk to her, it's useless and I still go back for more. I'm such a fucking idiot. She doesn't care about me at all but I run to her because I feel like maybe this time, the fact that we share blood will make her want me and heal me. But she never does want me." She starts to cry more. I kiss her temple and try to comfort her the best I can. I hug her tightly. "She called because she found out that Nana had died and wanted to know if the will had been read... she was trying to fish for information to see if I had gotten anything."

She sits up and turns to the side so that her back lays against the tub to my left. I can see her face clearly now and she looks back at me. Her face is puffy and red.

"When I had the accident, it took her a whole week to show up by my bedside. Apparently she was on some cruise with "zero cell service". Thank God Ray had the foresight to have medical powers of attorney made for all of us and have each other's names on them. That way Nita was able to make all my medical decisions when I was critical. When Carla finally did show up, she wanted to pull the plug on me after 3 days. She said she couldn't "bear to see me in pain." In comparison, Nani and Alia Khala were at my beside within 36 hours, they flew in back from India and they took care of all the immediate financial costs and helped Nita through everything. Everyone else in the family showed up slowly in the following week. Thankfully the hospital followed chain of command and listened to Nita only but Nita and Nani still had to beg Carla not to create a fuss by going to the press. Can you imagine, two women who don't share an ounce of blood with me were convincing my biological mother not to let me die? I suspect that Nita and Nani paid her off to keep her quiet but I don't ever want confirmation because if it tuned out to be true it'd break me even more." She starts to cry again uncontrollably. My heart breaks for her. I can't believe she had to go through all of this.

"The doctors even asked Nita to eventually pull the plug on me after the second month but Nita and Nani never gave up. They had me transferred to San Francisco instead. Nita quit her job right after my accident. Nani stayed by my bedside day in and out till visiting hours were over. She would read the Quran next to me, play recitations of all the major verses. They'd all come and talk to me. When I finally woke up, the nurses told me, they said they'd never seen so much love for someone. 4 months, everyday, Nita and Nani, Alia Khala and Kiran whenever she could would come to see me and talk to me while I was in a coma. Other cousins whenever they visited would also come to see me apparently."

I feel tears fall from my eyes and I lift her hand and place it on my cheek as I kiss it.

"When I woke up, Nani would hold my hand and recite the Quran as if she were trying to heal me, but I couldn't feel her, I'd just cry and scream inside, asking for Ray. No one could hear me. I felt so alone Christian and I was such an asshole, the entire time I just wanted my mom. I feel so guilty for feeling that way. Carla barely visited. She came by once after I woke up and that too only for 4 days. She'd barely call about me. She was just so obsessed with Bob and his country club life that I was barely a passing thought. Even on my graduation, she didn't show up at the last minute. I had spent $400 to get those extra tickets from someone who was selling them on campus for her and Bob, that was like a whole weeks paycheck for me with overtime and at the last minute Bob apparently broke his foot and she couldn't leave him to fend himself. I mean, it was just for a day or two, it's not like he would have was such a huge moment in my life, I was graduating from college with a 4.0 and honors after all the shit I had been through and she let me down again. I almost didn't come to graduation but Kate, Nita and Nani forced me. I was so out of it, I desperately missed Ray; hence the lifeless handshake that I gave and not along with not looking at you.

I move in to kiss her. "I can't believe I'd been so blind to you all this time."

"Like I said before, I guess the Universe wanted complete silence when we actually met. Just you and I, no distractions, no noise, just us." She muses. I lean in to kiss her lips again and she gives me a small smile, eyes still cast down, she continues.

"Carla still holds a grudge about how I chose to live with Ray. When she married husband #2 and we moved to Vegas, he turned out to be an abusive creep. He would say things like "you're so beautiful like your mother, you're going to turn so many heads" I was only 8 at the time Christian and it filled me with dread, a grown man looking at me like that. I just knew it was wrong. Sometimes I'd wake up at night and he'd be in my room staring at me... I missed Ray so much. After 3-4 months of weird stares and passing touches, I finally got the courage to call Ray from my school. I saved up enough quarters that I'd find around the house and used a pay phone to call him. Anytime Ray called the house, they would always be listening so I couldn't say anything. I told him the address of my school and begged him to take me back home with him. He was at the school the next day. The authorities got involved and Ray legally took me away, declaring Carla an unfit mother. The judge took a statement from me and I told them I didn't want to live with Carla anymore. She holds that against me. When I came back to Montesano, I became a recluse, I gained so much weight because I wanted to look ugly and that way no one would look at me the husband #2 did." She shivers and I ask her if she wants to leave the bath, she nods. I can feel anger surge through me.

"Who is husband #2, I'm going to kill him I swear." I say as I get up. "He drank himself into the ground." She says simply.

I dry her off, quickly wear my clothes and she pulls pajamas and a t-shirt from her bag. I hold her and kiss her after she's dressed.

"Baby, come, let me feed you." I hold her hand and take her to the kitchen. I heat up some of the steak and vegetables with some mac and cheese as I make her a cup of tea. She just stares at the floor. She looks like a little child and it breaks my heart even more. I take the plate and sit next to her and feed her. She eats. Thank god she doesn't have food issues. She starts to speak again.

"I know nothing about my birth father. Nothing at all, except for the fact that I have his eyes. I suspect I'm the product of an affair or something... Carla just always said that no one could ever understand their love and relationship. Apparently my biological father used to call Carla, Rose. That's why Carla named me Anastasia Rose. But then after Ray adopted me they added Steele. I don't even feel like a Rose but I chased this ghost of man to try and feel close to him. I bought rose flavored things to somehow feel close to him. I heard this song last year it's about how this girl says she feels like sunflower and that she's a little funny and that if she were a real rose then maybe people would want her. I feel like a sunflower, I'm only happy when I'm around people I love and when I'm alone, I'm just sad and broken. But a rose, a rose is defiant; it stands alone and commands attention even in the darkest of storms. I am not that." She sings a little, her voice broken and her emotion is so raw

But I'm a sunflower, a little funny
If I was a rose, maybe you'd want me
If I could, I'd change overnight
And turn into something you'd like
But I'm a sunflower, a little funny
If I was a rose, maybe you'd pick me
But I know you don't have a clue
This sunflower's waiting for you
Waiting for you

Her head hangs and she looks to the floor. I feel my eyes burn with tears. I try to feed her and she declines. She's barely touched her tea.

"As much as I love Nita, I've always kept her at arms length for fear that if my biological mother didn't want me, then Nita too could easily change her mind. I know I'm being stupid, her actions speak louder than words but I'm still so afraid that once Nani is no more that my bond with all of them will break." She looks to me with tears in her eyes. 'You know that Friday at the wedding, when I took her back to her room she told me about the dream she had about you. She saw you, not you as you are but your essence. When she saw you that night watching me sing she felt that it was you and when held your hand and told you to be happy, she knew it was you from her dreams for me. I took her back to her room and she kept yapping on about how you loved me and you were the love of my life and the father of my children and I was like, chill, he's my boss and you're senile." She giggles a bit. "Nita told me that when I was in a coma, Nani would talk to me and say 'you have to come back, your family is waiting for you, your best friends are waiting for you... the love of your life is waiting for you... your future children are waiting for you. I have dreamt that life for you, I have seen him and he needs you so you must come back."

I cradle her face and kiss her. Trying to tell her how much I love her because my brain is absolutely failing me right now. I crush her to me, and I can feel her tears fall, as I kiss her. I break away from the kiss "I really did love you then and I have been waiting for you, I just didn't realize it." I tell her, I can feel my voice strained. She nods but keeps her eyes down.

"I know I'm being utterly stupid but I'm just so afraid Christian. I know that I'm just longing for those bonds that I had since childhood which were Ray and Carla because they feel safe. Nita came into my life when I was 10, I was fairly grown by then but the fear that if a woman who is actually programmed to love me by nature doesn't give two shits about me, what's to stop people who have no biological connection to me from leaving me. And I know that I'm being irrational and thinking emotionally because I see what Grace and Carrick did for you guys. They love you more than life itself and call you their own. So I can understand that, I really do, but I have so much fear in me. I never used to have fear like this when Ray was alive. I was just an awkward, fat kid who kept to herself and listened to a shit ton of music, and read and her dad was her best friend and then when Nita and Nani came into the picture, they became my best friends along with my cousins... I'm sorry, I know I'm rambling now. My head just hurts. I'm so tired and hungry." She starts to cry again.

"Baby, just a little more of this mac and cheese and take a pain killer and we'll go to bed. Please?" I ask her. She looks to the plate and nods. I feed her and she eats. Her head still hanging low and her eyes looking down. She sniffles and shivers every now and then and wipes her tears. I kiss her cheek and kiss her hands as I feed her. I wish I could do more to heal her. After she's eaten a bit and had some tea, I give her some advil and she takes it. I kiss her and carry her back to the bedroom and get into bed with her back to my front. I kiss her neck and cheeks. "I love you Ana, I'm so happy we found each other."

She turns around to me with her tears in her eyes "I think we need owe it all to Nani, she brought me back, she prayed and made me get better."

I caress her cheek "I'm forever in her debt."

"I'm sorry I just bombarded your evening with all my issues, I went home and Kate was going to be out late for a work deadline and I had all these negative feelings, I didn't want to be alone." Her voice is small.

"You did the right thing. I don't ever want you to be alone, so come here whenever you want. In fact I think you should move in. You can have your girl date nights here. You can redecorate the guest bedrooms upstairs and spend time with Kate and Mia whenever you guys want to hang out."

"And have you spy on our girl talk sessions" she giggles wiping her tears. "I'll put up signs on the doors, 'no boys allowed'"

I chuckle and kiss her. I love how she can still be playful when consumed with sadness.

"I don't think I can move in just yet but thank you for letting me visit whenever I want." She says.

"I want you to have whatever is mine." I say and kiss her. I see tears form again and I wipe them from her eyes as they fall. I try to change the topic to lighten the mood.

"I want to show you something." I pick up my phone from my side table and pull up the email with pictures that Andrea sent of Ana I shaking hands on stage. She's looking down and she shakes my hand and her face tense.

"You found a picture of us from that day?" She asks surprised.

'Yeah I emailed the PR department and they sent it over."

"I look pissed." She laughs. She turns to go pick her phone and scrolls through to find a picture of her with Nita and Nani and one with her and Kate. She's barely smiling. She looks beautiful but sad.

"You're not really smiling in these."

"Yeah... it was a difficult day and it was the last place I wanted to be." She says as her voice wavers.

"I wish we had met that day."

"I wish too." She moves in closer and hugs me, resting her face in the crook of my neck. "How was SF & LA?"

"It was okay, Ros wanted to check out this new tech startup... I'm not fully convinced of their idea but we'll still monitor their progress."

"I might got to SF next weekend. Mama and Nita are flying in on Thursday next week."

"Take the jet and take Sawyer with you, though I would prefer you not spend the night there. I'll get you a suite at the Fairmont."

"Christian, I know where you're coming from but I will be fine. Nothing will happen."

"Ana, please don't argue... I don't trust that fucker and..."

"Let's just table this for now then... we'll talk about it over the weekend." She responds back in annoyance.

"I just want you safe, Ana."

"I will be safe in that house with my grandmother. Anytime shit has happened to me it's been when I was completely alone and too far to scream for help. That will not happen again. Besides, it'll be the weekend, Nita will be home too, they'll be recovering from jet lag and Rania will be over with Aria... it'll be a packed house and I want to see them. I don't sleep alone when I'm there, I either sleep in Nani's room or with Nita and... I miss her okay, I miss my mom... it'll be such a dick move on my part if I say I'm spending nights at a hotel." She moves away and rubs her forehead. "Besides, Sawyer won't be allowed in the house. Nani is weary of that stuff. Only family members and their vetted significant others are allowed in. Even business associates are not allowed in the house unless Nani or Nana allowed them."

"I don't understand the reasoning behind all that but if that's how she runs her ship then..."I shake my head. How the fuck am I supposed to keep her safe if Sawyer won't be allowed. "So will I have to sign an NDA before I step foot in the house?"

"No, honor code applies to you. Besides, there is no business talk allowed inside the house unless Nana took calls in his office or he initiated any conversation about it. Otherwise, all conversation is to be about normal life."

"I see. Have they named a new CEO yet?"

"Not yet. Will hasn't been read yet... I'll eventually find out."

"Do you have any ideas what will happen?"

"Not really, I mean it's obvious that Alia khala and mama get everything but in terms of running the business... maybe they'll make Uncle Rish CEO and then in another 5-10 years, it'll be that asshole and Kiran will be running the show."

"And you get nothing?"

"Nope."

"That's fucking unfair, Ana."

"I don't think about it Christian and neither should you... " She turns away and takes a deep breath. I can tell this conversation is now getting uncomfortable for her.

I scoot in closer to her and kiss her temple and hug her tightly.

"You deserve the world, Ana."

"Christian, I just want the world I have right now. Nothing more."

...

Thursday, February 6th, 2020.

CPOV

I feel Ana stir and l look to her. Her back is to me and I can hear her hum a little. I get up from the bed and head out to the piano. I feel so stuck. I can't do anything.

She has all this pain and I feel at such a loss. She can so easily and effortlessly make me feel better after an intense conversation even if it's at her own expense and here I am hanging on to my trauma that pales in comparison to hers.

I play a little, just small sections of different pieces I know. Nothing feels right. How do I describe Ana in music? Do I compose something from scratch. I wouldn't even know where to start. I stretch my arms out and my head hangs over the keys. I breathe deeply trying to calm myself.

"Christian." I her Ana call my name softly, standing next to me. I look up and she runs her hand through my hair and kisses my forehead. She looks so beautiful and the gesture means so much.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep." I say as I stare at the keys.

"Do I snore that loud?" She giggles.

"Yeah, like a bear." I chuckle. She's so cute.

"What's on your mind my love?" She asks so sweetly as she sits next to me and touches my face. I lean in and close my eyes, savoring the warmth of her hand.

"I feel like utter shit. You went and go through so much and I can't do anything to heal you in your time of pain. When you told me all those things about Carla, Nani and your accident, I was so dumbfounded; I couldn't even say anything to make you feel better. You do so much for me and I can't even reciprocate." I choke on my words and tears start to flow, I stare at the keys as they slowly blur out with tears.

She starts to cry.

"Look at me Christian." She coaxes. I turn to her.

"All I need for you is to be there with me. You gave me a bath, you carried me and fed me. You kissed me and held my hand and most of all you let me ramble on, I have never said that shit out loud. That makes me feel so safe and loved. It's okay if you can't say anything back, you say so much when you kiss me. When you hug me till I can't breathe, that all tells me so much... and besides this is all very new for you too. You've been emotionally closed off for so long, it will take you time to grow into this. We all process emotion and love differently. Don't put pressure on yourself." She kisses my hand.

"I really want to tell you about my past but whatever I went through pales in comparison."

"Christian, you really can't compare what we went through. They were harrowing circumstances for us both. We both felt unsafe and loss of control and were manipulated... but we got out of it... we're here now, together. We can take care of each other and we understand the pain each other has been through... it's so rare to find a partner who really understands what you've been through but we found each other... more like I stalked you given our 10 year trajectory but you know minor detail..." she giggles and I can't help but chuckle myself.

"You're a way better therapist than Flynn." I smile at her.

"I know right?" She giggles "No, but he is good. I really like him and he's helped me a lot. I think if we did couples counseling with him it'd be so beneficial to us."

"You're right." She's always so right.

I pick up her hands and kiss them both. I kiss her knuckles and her palms. It's never enough.

Inspiration hits me and I release her hands gently. I start to play and sing. I know she loves this song, she hums it every now and then.

When it rain it pours but you didn't even notice
It ain't rainin' anymore, it's hard to breathe when all you know is
The struggle of staying above, the rising water line
Well the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella, well, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head

She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. Smiling. She looks so beautiful.If you could see what I see, you'd be blinded by the colours
Yellow, red and orange and green, and at least a million others
So tie up the bow, take off your coat and take a look around
'Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blown'
But you're stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella, well, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your headShe kisses my shoulder and leans her head on it, staring at my hands as I play.Oh tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around
Everything is alright now
'Cause the sky has finally opened, the rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same old storm again
Let go of your umbrella, 'cause darlin', I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
Yeah there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
It all be alright

She sings the last few lines with me. We are so good together. She lifts my hand and places it on her cheeks and leans into it as she cries. I pull her close to me and kiss her hair. We sit in silence for a while.

"Come to bed with me Mr. Grey, I miss you." She looks up. I smile and we get up and head back to bed.


Authors note: Couples therapy session with Flynn + baby shower shenanigans + more family dyanmics/secrets to be revealed in the next chapter.

How are you all doing? Jess, this is ridiculous that you still haven't gotten your test results yet. Fingers and toes crossed for you.